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  • 4 months ago
A group of eccentric aliens confers a human being with the power to do absolutely anything, as an experiment.

Director
Terry Jones
Writers
Terry Jones, Gavin Scott, Douglas Adams
Stars
Simon Pegg, Kate Beckinsale, Sanjeev Bhaskar
*
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Transcript
00:00:0030 seconds and counting. Power transfer is complete. We're on internal power with the
00:00:17launch vehicle at this time. T-minus 20 seconds and counting. All the second stage tanks now
00:00:22pressurized. T-minus 15 seconds. Guidance is internal. 12, 11, 10, 9. Ignition sequence starts.
00:00:326, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0. All engine running. Liftoff! We have a liftoff! And so in 1972,
00:00:46the Atlas Centaur rocket blasted off from our planet. A four-stage rocket that launched a probe
00:00:53way out into the blackness of space. The probe would use the energy from the sun and the
00:00:58gravitational pull of our neighboring planets to cross our solar system. That momentum would then
00:01:04carry it on into the farthest reaches of the universe. The mission to find intelligent life
00:01:11similar to ours out there in deep space. The probe carried a tablet which had inscribed on it
00:01:18the image of us humans, a man and a woman, and a map to locate us in the universe. Stage four
00:01:25disconnects and our probe is fired on its long journey. The world wished it bon voyage
00:01:32and may it find a friend out there in deep space.
00:02:02mad and bad and funny things
00:02:08all that for me and you
00:02:18anything
00:02:24anything
00:02:27absolutely anything
00:02:33for you
00:02:36i would give you everything it's in my power to do
00:02:49shiny pointy funny things a thousand pairs of shoes
00:03:02ah anything for you
00:03:09thank you
00:03:30welcome ladies and gentlemen when i interviewed neil clark for the book program
00:03:34i knew he was extraordinary now with the publication of his brilliant novel
00:03:40reviewers agree he's joined the ranks of britain's immortals ladies and gentlemen neil clark
00:03:53um so i suppose i wanted to start off by asking you how did you manage such amazing insight into
00:03:58the soul of modern man and and how do you know what men and women really want just really the
00:04:04whole relationship between humanity and the cosmos yeah well i think i probably achieved that
00:04:10by looking into my own soul catherine um i studied its uh its flaws its potential its its urgent needs
00:04:18i listened to its cries for help and its uh yellows of um anguish and um i uh i spent five
00:04:28long years in a book which i hoped would throw
00:04:31open the doors of a human perception and allow us to be engulfed in a sense of our own futility
00:04:39sorry about this
00:04:45oh
00:04:58go watch tv your dog was barking my dog was barking because you rang the doorbell
00:05:05i rang the doorbell because your dog was barking your lease has no pets well he is a guide dog
00:05:12you're not blind i prefer the term optically challenged you're not optically challenged
00:05:20either fiona you live like three floors up i mean i don't believe you don't control your
00:05:25bloody dog i am gonna get it sent to battersy dog's home right
00:05:34come on dennis let's go and evacuate your bowels
00:05:36evacuate your bowels come on dennis
00:05:46come on hi neil oh hey catherine hey it's funny i was um i was just dreaming about you
00:05:55really yeah you were presenting me with an award for my novel
00:05:59oh did you deserve it well i was i was proud but humble
00:06:03have you finished it actually in real life absolutely almost yeah because last spring
00:06:09you were on chapter yeah i've renumbered them in fact i've removed them oh yeah i find the
00:06:14whole concept of chapters just gets in the way so yeah yeah no i can see that i want reading it to
00:06:21be like being sucked into a giant vortex you know like going on facebook like facebook yeah that's
00:06:28a good one like being sucked into a giant vortex dennis why do you let me say things like this hey
00:06:39come on
00:06:58so
00:07:28so
00:07:44hmm
00:07:59ah
00:08:18come on ray it's only 20 quid no i can't now yeah but it can't lose no
00:08:22look i guarantee you a 50 return on your money before the end of classes today
00:08:29so when do you make your move on miss booker prize downstairs then oh i don't turns out she's
00:08:34a bit literal minded no foresight whereas me i could see for miles into the future
00:08:40man needs a woman neil i got dennis dennis is male he's a dog in case you hadn't noticed
00:08:48you know i don't want to complicate my life this is a tenner
00:08:52walk
00:08:58oh
00:09:16access in representative images of earthlings
00:09:29oh
00:09:38communication will be carried on in the language of the species to be judged
00:09:44i'm sorry i'm not understanding
00:09:49is that better carly understanding you now shall on by the power invested in me by the
00:09:54intergalactic council of superior species i hereby pronounce a destruction order on the
00:09:59planet earth with great respect sharon we should not pronounce a destruction order
00:10:05before we've given these earthlings a chance to prove themselves
00:10:09they've penetrated intergalactic space maureen is right they're clearly not a superior species
00:10:16look at the way they percolate if these earthlings can convince us that they are superior
00:10:24beings then they may join our society if they cannot we must eliminate them for the moral
00:10:29well-being of the entire intergalactic community thank you for explaining it to me sharon not at
00:10:34all miss barker no grant i don't want to talk to you no i don't want to see you either we had a
00:10:43great time last summer it's over what about overdue not understand thank you for calling
00:10:51these questions of yours make it sound as if i thought this bloody author can string two words
00:10:56together but he can it's a wonderful book darling didn't you read the memo we're doing a demolition
00:11:02job but it's the best thing he's ever written everyone says so that's why we have to pee on
00:11:07it from a great height i want 10 new questions please before noon
00:11:19don't you know she never reads the books she hates books
00:11:22why is she presenting a book program then i spy trouble just one
00:11:29no catherine you may despise her ego but that's what people tune in to see
00:11:36not books not authors god forbid but finnella's rampant pulsating sexually arousing ego i think
00:11:43people watch because it's a book program and they love books books are finished our job is to
00:11:50provide scandal gossip and character assassination with a thin veneer of literary respectability
00:11:55also not just selling out then we've sold out exactly
00:12:00but for god's sake smile
00:12:26it's enough to make you weep isn't it
00:12:29what price of pickles don't even look at the marinated herring honestly you'd be suicidal
00:12:38no i didn't want them anyway
00:12:46thanks um i also offer support and counselling on dips dried fruit and pasta sauces
00:12:55go
00:13:02the usual test sharon the usual test guide one earthly will be chosen randomly as defined by
00:13:08the intergalactic manual of good and 56 paragraph b uh page 56 paragraph d uh right to prove that
00:13:20understand the difference between good and evil how will they prove it they will be given the
00:13:27power that all superior beings have the earthling will be capable of doing absolutely anything what
00:13:34if he uses his power for evil the earth will be eliminated but if he uses it for good then
00:13:41we welcome them to the intergalactic community are we ready gentlemen commence in random selection
00:13:48earthlings processing processing
00:13:57charlie good wait selected
00:14:04the earthling has 10 days to prove he can use absolute power for good rather than for evil
00:14:19oh my god
00:14:31screw you
00:14:43all they want me to do is help them sneer at people who write wonderful books
00:14:47and my producer just wants me to dig up dirt on ammonotop third i keep telling him he'd be kind
00:14:53nature and lovely hands i would have loved to spend an evening with ammonotop third
00:14:59yeah except he's been dead 4 000 years rosie and spend all day long talking about embalming
00:15:05or find me a good one that's still breathing oh tell me about it what about grant oh well
00:15:12colonel grant turned out to have issues issues yeah like being clinically insane
00:15:18see maybe that's overstating it uh just obsessive possessive and pathologically jealous
00:15:27what about him upstairs oh he tried to cheer me up in the supermarket oh so he's gay what
00:15:34well he's sympathetic interested available that's the way life works no he's not gay he's
00:15:44very likable
00:16:03mr clark
00:16:14hi this is the 12th time you've been late this month mr clark yeah i got knocked off my bike
00:16:19yesterday you had food poisoning friday you thought it was saturday monday you forgot to
00:16:26put your clock forward oh everybody does that week last wednesday it seems you had an appointment
00:16:31with the delai lama yeah i showed you the picture that had michael jackson in it as well
00:16:38well he's a he's a great man great enough to appear in photographs when he is dead
00:16:44you mr clark are totally irresponsible you are idle and you're feckless feckless yes you're without
00:16:54feck if i could replace you i would
00:17:01yeah well so would i i just don't have anybody to replace me with
00:17:31like a skier
00:17:36hello gorgeous how about cocktails for two this evening go halves drop dead ray all right
00:17:45think about it and get back to me
00:17:49no neil yeah you could do anything what would you do hello neil love uh tinned
00:17:57mouse or fricassee of war victim i will have the roast headmaster please mrs b you are a one
00:18:04there you go thank you uh i'll have the casserole please mrs b
00:18:13you'll enjoy that mr ray i mean you don't eat it
00:18:16i mean if you could make anything you want happen what would it be
00:18:27i will make dennis regurgitate my notes from chapter three
00:18:36if you could make something impossible happen intact
00:18:39what if you could make someone worship the ground you walked on
00:18:48what even if she thought you were a little shit come on ray that'll be taking an unfair
00:18:52advantage of an innocent girl okay but i suppose there was one thing you could do
00:18:57that would change your life for the better oh that's easy i would make alien spaceships destroy
00:19:01tennessee sounded like it was in school
00:19:14out of the way out of the way stand back stand back stand back stand back just stay calm
00:19:24oh my god
00:19:25what who is that it was the salubrious gat of galaxy g946 wot
00:19:38gas what do you think you're doing just practicing sharing we haven't done the judicial review yet we
00:19:44may not want to destroy the species are you kidding 445 million 349 thousand 722 new alien
00:19:52species encountered number granted membership of the intergalactic community of superior beings
00:19:59zero we have high standards you know you're gonna wipe them out it all depends on the earthling
00:20:06and signs of a recovery seem as far away as ever
00:20:10he said he personally would work
00:20:18hello dennis
00:20:20dennis can you waited
00:20:29it was here at kinbrook comprehensive school but an explosion killed 38 pupils a police spokesman
00:20:36said they could not rule out a terrorist attack but say there were no connections
00:20:41with reports of a ufo sighting in the area the head teacher mr rob
00:20:50oh sure dennis it was an alien spaceship
00:20:54what are you talking about if i could make an alien spaceship destroy 10c then i wouldn't be
00:20:59farting around with this would i i just say dog mess clean yourself up
00:21:07see
00:21:24oh
00:21:37so
00:21:42it's just shock it's just it's just post-hallucination shock it's that's all it is
00:21:51i mean it couldn't have been an alien spaceship dennis could it i mean it's just something it
00:21:56couldn't have
00:22:10oh damn it
00:22:19whiskey go back in the bottle
00:22:22oh you see there's nothing it's nothing there's nothing it's nothing whiskey go back in the bottle
00:22:38oh my god i have to wave my hand
00:22:53whiskey exchange yourself for another bottle a single malt
00:23:01hey
00:23:23i didn't mean go back to the shop to get exchanged
00:23:38it's closed
00:23:43oh shit
00:23:53priority
00:24:00thank you
00:24:19you're naked
00:24:21oh
00:24:37you say one word about this constable you'll be on community relations
00:24:41oh my god 10c
00:24:56huh let everyone who died be alive again
00:25:12wow
00:25:30oh god
00:25:37obviously not everyone who's died ever are you crazy
00:25:42oh shit shit and uh everybody who died in the bomb blast that is alive again be completely
00:25:50uninjured oh shit shit shit uh yeah oh okay uh me feel better oh that's better uh me have a really
00:25:59good idea about what to do next oh that's a good idea um let the explosion never have happened
00:26:05you know i mean if you could make anything you wanted happen what would it be i'm sorry what if
00:26:12you could do anything what would you do that's very weird i just i i think i just dreamt that i
00:26:18could what do anything i i don't know if i could just wave my hand and say such and such and it
00:26:24would happen so what'd you do i made alien spaceships destroy 10c good thinking i would
00:26:30make dorothy pringle worship the ground i walked on you wouldn't be so cruel
00:26:40hello and welcome to book news the show where you get to know what books are coming to you
00:26:46and authors get what's coming to them what's the truth under publishers blurbs why do writers
00:26:52photographs always show them looking 10 years younger you've come to the right place to find
00:26:57out our first guest tonight is mortimer stanley whose latest novel is entitled what you see with
00:27:04your eyes open mortimer your last novel was published nearly 10 years ago it got what they
00:27:10call mixed reviews and sold fewer than 3 000 copies what possessed you to write another one
00:27:18well my wife was dying you were estranged weren't you well yes but on her deathbed she urged me to
00:27:25write another book knowing that she would never have to read it well finnell is complaining that
00:27:30you didn't tell her about his shoplifting conviction well he was 14 james it's got
00:27:34nothing to do with his book well neither is the show path listen what upsets vanilla about you
00:27:40is your integrity but me i quite like it play your cards right you could get your own office
00:27:48and a bigger desk and a view
00:27:53um i care about the english language it's found on every page
00:27:57of this book sorry that you don't mind you gotta play your cards right
00:28:03how are you doing here oh don't i get a kiss please go away that wouldn't be fair to you
00:28:09kath this is a wonderful opportunity for you to get to know the real me
00:28:13well i'm calling security you're not just the charming high-flying military strategist hello
00:28:18security not the inventor of extreme rendition either yes i've got an intruder in room 405
00:28:23or the mastermind behind warrantless domestic surveillance just a humble officer who adores you
00:28:33okay grant i appreciate that you like me like like what do you think one of these cardboard
00:28:40cutouts like no no no no adulate worship okay well i don't adulate or worship you
00:28:49i don't even really like you so that's why i'm asking you to just go away and leave me alone
00:28:55so there's some hope no no no there's no hope kat i came all the way to england to see you
00:29:01doesn't that show you how much i care about you no it shows me that you're obsessed obsession's
00:29:05not a quality that i admire really i think the lady wants you to go colonel
00:29:14you work for the bbc don't you i do
00:29:20you know who ultimately controls the british broadcasting corporation
00:29:27a little guy that used to work down the hall for me at fort bragg north carolina
00:29:31and he did it in his spare time
00:29:38i'll catch you later honey
00:29:46it was a party i was doing a documentary i was drunk judging me
00:30:00oh
00:30:15let 10c become a model class kind and considerate oh and eager to learn
00:30:31um could you all turn to page 73 please and read the entire chapter what the whole chapter yes
00:30:42oh good how exciting he's letting us read the whole chapter great well you get on with it then
00:31:00uh
00:31:14let the headmaster be nice to me for a change
00:31:19and what you did with the guitar quite beggars belief that is not how kumbaya goes
00:31:23yeah it's so good to see you i love what you're wearing this really does
00:31:27it's just a great ensemble so similar to what you're wearing before but your laissez-faire
00:31:32attitude to work it's great counterpoint to my buy the book approach great having you on the
00:31:36staff neil thank you right you must love you an awful lot to fly across the atlantic you just
00:31:44can't bear losing anything as far as grant's concerned i'm just a piece of lost property
00:31:50he wants to retrieve and put back on his mantelpiece he was really scary crazy
00:31:56i had a boyfriend like that once so you wouldn't take no for an answer what happened i married him
00:32:05mr erickson you know the romance languages french italian yes miss pringle i teach them well i was
00:32:11wondering how they got their name it's to do with rome ancient rome from the latin
00:32:18so it's just a coincidence that they sound so romantic actually i'm thinking of switching to um
00:32:23economics
00:32:32let miss pringle worship ray
00:32:53i can do heaps of fake and loony anything
00:33:06yeah
00:33:10me be president of the united states
00:33:12oh that's funny
00:33:23thank god we found you sir sorry we've been looking for you everywhere
00:33:26oh my god
00:33:38i am sorry about that mr president well here are the briefing papers for syria the deficit
00:33:44israel in the middle east china global warming unemployment and the arctic wildlife reserve
00:33:51jesus meet me by myself at home
00:34:02i can do anything okay but what what do i really want
00:34:17give me a really big dick
00:34:21it's not that big obviously just dick return to the old size
00:34:28oh oh okay um let me have a penis that women find exciting
00:34:40yeah it's good yeah can i have it in white right okay um let me have a really great body
00:34:48oh oh no um no look no look give me the body of a great man
00:34:58what the feck not albert einstein let me have the great body of a man
00:35:05me be able to see katharine from downstairs
00:35:18so
00:35:29shit uh let me not be able to see her
00:35:35no i don't mean me go blind uh let me be able to see but flawed as it was
00:35:40oh
00:35:45katharine from downstairs forget what just happened
00:36:11um ray you know earlier on we were talking about um being able to do anything oh yeah yeah well um
00:36:22this is this is gonna sound kind of stupid but um suddenly i can
00:36:28come what do anything just make things happen things that shouldn't happen i just wave my hand
00:36:34and they do are you feeling okay yeah um just look
00:36:44you tell us who you were you'll never believe this but i was a conjurer i went by the name of
00:36:51the great alfredo uh real name is brent hoskins i did variety clubs private parties the lot
00:36:59is this 3d projection or something right oh of course it's all gone now i blame the wogs hey
00:37:05all that black minstrel stuff once they started allowing that that's not me that's what i'm
00:37:10saying it's the jews took over the business he's never the same again just go and jump out the
00:37:15window what how did you do that i don't know i could swear it was the skeleton talking yeah it
00:37:37was okay let me see you do another one well what i can't think of anything oh come on you know
00:37:45how about some flowers bunch of flowers in my hand it's pathetic how about room be covered in flowers
00:37:56come on ray ray think of something more imaginative bloody hell palmer did you just
00:38:03throw this out the window now did you throw this out the window that's very funny what
00:38:10are you doing here go on get on home i'll cover for you oh my god
00:38:17this is the best sandwich i've ever tasted told you you know what we could own a racehorse
00:38:25right we could own every racehorse in the world no shit
00:38:39we win every time they're all ours let's forget about the horses we could have anything new
00:38:46wealth fame women we could make any woman fall in love with us neil any woman we want
00:39:04jump in babe curb crawling is illegal in this country grant that doesn't really apply to
00:39:09people with my security clearance besides how else are you going to get home on the tube go
00:39:14away the london underground is worse than anything we ever did in guantanamo you don't deserve that
00:39:19no i don't deserve this either please leave me alone okay okay i get it but you gotta let me
00:39:24down gently huh what does that mean well there's somebody else right no grant that's not what this
00:39:31is about it's you and i are not compatible so we could grab some coffee sit and talk
00:39:41but what would that even achieve there's nothing to talk about except for the luxury apartment i
00:39:46rented for us it's got a view of st paul's cathedral oh my god go home grant here's the key
00:39:54i don't want it and when i get you up there you're gonna think you died and went to heaven
00:40:11so
00:40:22so
00:40:31so
00:40:38fuck all tv producers especially ones that say you can sleep with them
00:40:43but if i play my cards right
00:40:52why do i always end up with the control freaks our gears yeah who are you upstairs
00:41:01oh and he's not gay he's attractive he's kind well then fuck him
00:41:08no he's nice no i don't mean that i mean
00:41:18you mean fuck him what right now no not now you got to let me do your makeup first
00:41:25so
00:41:30now option galactic power failure
00:41:34we'll have to suspend the test what this is on the blink sharon the earthling won't have
00:41:39galactic power until i get it working again i thought our galactic powers meant we could do
00:41:47anything soon
00:41:53catherine from downstairs be madly in love with me that was quick
00:42:02hi um you're not gay are you uh no
00:42:06um
00:42:23oh
00:42:26oh
00:42:34galactic power now returning to earthly
00:42:43so
00:42:53go on to get ready for work
00:43:00so
00:43:10whether be like it is in los angeles
00:43:15i didn't mean be like it is in los angeles right this moment it's the middle of the night for
00:43:20crying out loud whether be like it usually is in los angeles during the day
00:43:25it's so pedantic
00:43:37clothes get dressed on me
00:43:44and smarten yourselves up better
00:43:56oh
00:44:12miss pringle this really has to stop oh lord
00:44:25oh
00:44:30okay that was a very interesting ow ow can you just stop that please
00:44:35you stop tapping let's just have a break shall we just all right what's next
00:44:42oh this one's in german
00:44:47let me be able to understand german
00:44:55you talking about dennis look just shut up okay i can handle this
00:45:01she's not gonna ask me to marry her or have my children okay
00:45:08dennis what are you talking about
00:45:13that's a good idea actually what are you talking about dennis be able to talk biscuits
00:45:20what biscuits maybe if i make her fall in love with me like a little bit
00:45:24you know so she doesn't want to marry me but she would have sex on a regular for crying out
00:45:28loud they're in the cupboard what biscuits red biscuits black biscuits nothing else
00:45:34matters is that all you think about yes yes biscuits all right dennis become a rational
00:45:42thinking creature look i just can't concentrate on anything until i've had one of those biscuits
00:45:47i know it's crazy but that's how it is i guess i'm kind of hooked on them so please give me
00:45:51just one biscuit then i'll be able to think about something else that makes sense oh he's
00:45:57getting the biscuits he's getting now this is it yeah he's got them he's got them he's gonna throw
00:46:05one get ready get ready here it comes god it must be terrible being a dog i never realized you had
00:46:15so many cravings it's no worse than you and that bitch what bitch the bitch you were shagging last
00:46:20night oh my god she's not a bitch okay she's a lovely human female and we weren't just shagging
00:46:26right come to think of it i wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now little leg dance huh just above
00:46:30the sock how about it come on daddy i thought i turned you into a rational thinking creature
00:46:36rational thinking creatures still have desires oh well we can soon deal with that no oh no no don't
00:46:42take my desires away from me why not they're what makes my life worth living biscuits shagging i
00:46:49don't think i like your conversation but i worship you master i love you so much i can't bear
00:46:55displeasing you my whole world collapses when you're across with me look maybe it was better
00:46:59when you didn't talk oh no don't take away my power of speech now that i can think rationally
00:47:03that would be so cruel oh i heard the bell somebody hit the door the bell there it goes
00:47:08again hey the bell blow the bell hey hey somebody there it goes again hey hey somebody at the door
00:47:14oh no have i done something wrong again no just just be quiet do you understand me
00:47:19yes it's anything to stop you being angry with me the bell there it goes again hey hey hey hey
00:47:25dennis listen just listen listen listen listen be quiet that is an order right
00:47:30quiet i like obeying orders especially your orders good well then shut the fuck up right right
00:47:38shut the fuck up
00:47:43good boy
00:47:49oh god i made her do it i made her do it
00:47:56hi hey hey come in yes yes yes of course
00:48:00so look um about last night yes is this a bad time no no no no okay um i just i don't want
00:48:11you to think that i um do that sort of thing all the time because because i don't um i was
00:48:18slightly drunk yeah well i mean naturally otherwise we probably would have done the
00:48:21thing with the no no that's not what i mean i mean i i like you i um i've always really enjoyed
00:48:27talking to you i just i probably wouldn't have jumped on you like that if i haven't
00:48:32been pissed as a newt well sort of yeah okay well then let's just forget it it never it
00:48:38never happened no no no that's not what i'm saying neil oh well um what did you want then
00:48:46that's dennis
00:48:49dennis yeah he is a plumber um i'm having a few problems with my waterworks my water pipes
00:48:57i better get him the shagger it's a special wrench that plumbers use
00:49:04i thought i told you to shut up i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm really sorry sorry you're supposed
00:49:08to be a rational thinking creature sorry sorry i can't help myself sorry oh i want to shag your
00:49:12leg it's not a great time to be honest maybe later if you behave oh couldn't couldn't find
00:49:19the shaggers so he just went with the old the coupler i love you neil shut up dennis
00:49:25it's odd isn't it shouting at the plumber like that but uh the fact is he's my brother the
00:49:30plumber is my brother say you love me neil and we're very close god rosie was right rosie
00:49:36please can i shag your leg jesus neil how could you the next morning why do i always end up with
00:49:46creeps i'm not a creep there's a cat
00:49:56dennis be a dumb animal again for five minutes
00:50:01so she thinks i'm gay i mean so what you know i mean it means that she won't want to marry me
00:50:08or have my kids bingo problem solved thank you dennis
00:50:21katherine
00:50:26katherine
00:50:30um me be on the bus
00:50:31i don't mean i'm the boss i've been in the bus
00:50:40i am the engine and the passenger accommodations
00:50:46ow
00:50:50hey
00:50:53katherine
00:51:02no katherine katherine
00:51:08great you've got to stop mr pringle she's she's set up shrines all over the school
00:51:14there's even a website look you wanted her to worship you okay not like this right i don't
00:51:18have time for this wait you haven't lost the power no i haven't lost the powers
00:51:22right you have i haven't lost the thing become a duck
00:51:25right right stop it right stop it right stop it right become a sausage
00:51:34i haven't lost the powers ray okay this is where is he
00:51:38oh that's his car behold the car of ray
00:51:48katherine can we talk no but i love you you also love dennis apparently did you
00:51:54take out of there oh no this is mine yours yeah look you've got it all wrong about dennis
00:52:00i've nothing whatsoever against dennis you love him he loves you i'm happy for both of you just
00:52:05don't bring me into it yeah no but there's something i need to tell you about dennis
00:52:08you are gonna have to pay for that now that you've touched it it's mine no it isn't i heard
00:52:12what you said to each other neil yeah there's something crucial about dennis you don't know
00:52:16he's not a man i don't want to hear this neil i know but i'm just saying he's not a man
00:52:20oh get out of here and steal our stuff i told you that's not your sausage
00:52:30give me atp fine i'll just get you changed no it's it's never mind it's no because it's
00:52:36four pounds 20 keep it it's too much for a tip have it your way so i think so too
00:52:42she never does
00:52:46sausage become right jesus neil have you any idea how vulnerable the sush feels
00:53:01you must have been hungry
00:53:05it's clear he has no idea of doing any good whatsoever why can't we just get on with her
00:53:11destruction because there are rules maureen no we must follow galactic procedures rules didn't
00:53:18stop you from eating the inhabitants of g4378 janet they were delicious very crunchy as i
00:53:24recall surprise surprise oh my god wait wait wait you're crazy do you know that
00:53:36oh crazy love darling get out of my flat grant well i can't because you've locked the door now
00:53:42baby the way you got in oh honey come on now that ain't nice get out grant i never want to see you
00:53:50again get out of my life get out come on now open the door sorry sorry about the noise at least it
00:54:01wasn't barking
00:54:16invite dennis
00:54:18katherine katherine come back i'm leaving okay i'm coming hold it on wait for me now
00:54:28she's coming to dinner this episode looks at
00:54:32hey it's just about to start she's coming to dinner who katherine oh the bitch don't call her
00:54:42that all right i don't want you chipping in either okay just just pretend to be a dumb animal
00:54:46again me a dumb animal yeah well you don't have to pretend don't you it's just it's called acting
00:54:52what you mean like when i'm having my tummy tickled you love having your tummy tickled all
00:54:56right dog what it's a sham neil all dogs do it why why do humans like tickling dogs tummies
00:55:05because they love having their tummies tickled uh-uh dogs pretend to like it because they know
00:55:10human beings like doing it oh well just pretend to be a perfectly ordinary dog okay can't i join
00:55:17in the conversation just a little bit no that is so cruel somebody at the door hey hey it's a bell
00:55:26it's a bell it's a bell i know it's the bell dennis right no no sorry just one more peep out
00:55:32of you okay and the flea collar is going back on again right right right sorry sorry sorry sorry
00:55:38bark wolf do it properly
00:55:45yeah good okay thank you guarded
00:55:50hi has he gone no i don't think so
00:55:54dennis down named him after the plumber then did you uh yeah
00:56:00oh oh do you want your tummy tickled why do dogs like that so much
00:56:14so the producer promises to take me out of the general office and give me a big desk with a view
00:56:19but he won't he's just trying to get me into bed
00:56:24what did you want to tell me uh just try this first
00:56:45oh that's incredible
00:56:48that's the most wonderful thing i've ever tasted in my life
00:56:54oh i had no idea you were such a fantastic cook
00:57:02that's unlike anything i've ever tasted what is it i just said let the soup be the most amazing
00:57:08thing katherine has ever tasted unlike anything she's tasted before and it is really really
00:57:15i can make things happen anything that's what i was trying to tell you this morning
00:57:24you know i wasn't talking to a live-in homosexual plumber i was talking to dennis
00:57:30the dog dennis the dog who answered you back yeah because i made him talk
00:57:37oh with my powers
00:57:43special powers i mean what you you want a bigger desk you got it you want a great view you got it
00:57:51um neil how long have you had those special powers well they came upon me very suddenly
00:57:58very suddenly yeah i was knocked off my bike just ask ask me to do something anything just
00:58:04you know listen it's okay you can get out with this son of a bitch
00:58:13i'm out of here there's nobody else huh who is this guy she didn't tell you i'm her fiance
00:58:20you're not my fiance grant oh yeah and you weren't just making out with this apology of a man stop
00:58:24this you know how long you'd last on a battlefield soldier i'm sorry neil that long i'm warning you
00:58:31you're warning me yeah i'm warning you who is this guy you suck on this asshole all i have to do
00:58:38is go like this and and say what where did you find this fruitcake put that away grant uh what
00:58:44can i say grant become a fairy it's grant not grunt stop it and you're the goddamn fairy how
00:58:51about grant go back to where you came from it's great how about kiss my ass grunt neil don't he's
00:58:56crazy how about you say please grant don't put a bullet through my brain grunt stop it i prefer
00:59:02let all bullets bounce off me go on shoot me oh my god you're both crazy he doesn't dare neil
00:59:10please please pull the trigger what's the matter grant shut up go on shoot me neil he will no he
00:59:16won't yes i will no you won't grant drop the gun you're an idiot i wouldn't do this if i were you
00:59:26i wouldn't do this if i were you god i hate the english
00:59:33let grant's on break if he tries to throttle me shut up it's grand
00:59:38oh help help help who the heck was that uh that's dennis
00:59:49it's just a dog english
00:59:56oh shit what happened do you want me to make it better
01:00:00oh it hurts grant's arm be better
01:00:06hey hey hey hey hey what is this grumpy stuck on the ceiling oh shit grumpy plastered to the wall
01:00:17let's talk about this grumpy buried headfirst in the plant pot what do you mean potty plant
01:00:24grumpy standing in front of me
01:00:30yeah you want to be nice to me grant okay maybe i can help you
01:00:38i could make your life absolutely hell or i could say grant be holding a million dollars
01:00:48oh yeah a million dollars disappear oh come on i can do anything all i have to do
01:00:58is wave my hand you gotta wave your hand that's right isn't he great i love you i love you so
01:01:05much dennis keep out of this but you are great neil you can do anything dennis shut up
01:01:20hi made your mind up yet how about tonight good girl eight o'clock my place yeah always pick the
01:01:28wrong guy anyway oh and uh i got you a new desk
01:01:58uh
01:02:11it's about time now listen up when i take that gag out of your mouth you're gonna say exactly what's
01:02:16on that piece of paper you understand the moment you say a word that is not on that piece of paper
01:02:23i killed the dog don't let him shoot me understand nod if you understand
01:02:30okay okay i'm gonna take the gag out now remember one wrong word and the dog gets it
01:02:43okay read item number one let's go come on item number all pasty white englishman pasty
01:02:52white englishman to get big ears and wet feet
01:02:58now wave your hand what's wave your hand
01:03:07yes yes oh it's beautiful
01:03:17so
01:03:30neil
01:03:41neil
01:03:46oh you don't worship me do you what ray you're ray
01:03:59i can't find neil isn't he here he wasn't at school either i left him with my crazy
01:04:04gun-toting ex-boyfriend neil's got these powers no i know i know oh he got miss pringle to worship
01:04:11me and now she's turned me into religion they think i'm immortal so what they want me to prove
01:04:17it by rising from the dead we've got to find neil what wait
01:04:27hey hey what are you doing
01:04:30me
01:04:37i've got it where's your car what i know where they are
01:04:44it's just out here we can't shit lord oh no run for it get it
01:04:53lord
01:04:58this is working beautifully okay keep going number three let's go
01:05:01okay uh three all british police to have pink uniforms
01:05:23oh
01:05:41there he is
01:05:53ha ha ha
01:06:14oh oh
01:06:15ha ha ha oh it's beautiful i can't believe it all right next one come on read let all traffic
01:06:23lights be permanently sound green come on let's just oh hey hey hey hey hey huh do it do it
01:06:35wait now listen
01:06:44oh
01:06:56skip to the end hurry up just skip to the end skip to the end just there come on quick
01:07:03read it okay okay item 417 katherine west come on all right let him go grant why should i
01:07:13go on neil read the last item item 417 katherine west be madly deeply in love
01:07:20with colonel grant kochev and leap on him like a tigress begging for sex
01:07:27you bastard no come on now wave your hand come on neil don't or the dog gets it don't let him
01:07:34shoot me neil come on wave your goddamn hand but i don't want to love him neil i don't want to go
01:07:38anywhere near him i don't want to die yeah grant i love you please please let's have sex now
01:07:54dennis be free i'm free i'm free please no
01:07:58you uh grant become a corgi what oh shit do it do it grant do it do it me be free
01:08:09yes yes master yeah you chose to save me rather than that bitch yeah
01:08:14don't call her that katherine be her normal self and not in love with grant
01:08:19and all grant's wishes be cancelled
01:08:35uh dorothy pringle think about ray the way that you used to
01:08:39oh what the hell ray it's nothing to do with me get lost you creep thank you
01:08:47all right everyone else forget about ray
01:08:52thanks neil thanks a whole bunch
01:08:58uh ray can you take me home please sure
01:09:03i'm sorry i'm sorry
01:09:08any thoughts pathetic he has no concept of good or evil well the dogs seem all right yes yes
01:09:38oh hey katherine hi hey sorry about the other night can i cook you supper no thanks neil i'm
01:09:54doing a whole suckling pig no hey what's the matter is it because i made you throw yourself
01:09:59at grant no look you did what you had to do it worked forgotten well what is it then do you know
01:10:06what it feels like to be in someone else's power to have no will of your own i thought that i made
01:10:14you love me what well you know with my powers oh my god did i really come home early tonight
01:10:23because i wanted to or did you make me have i always lived opposite you or have you somehow
01:10:27rearranged things i'm never gonna know look i love you how can any woman love a man who
01:10:34could make her do whatever he wants any second every day forever i'm sorry i could never love you
01:10:40not in a million years katherine
01:10:50sharon terrible news this is indeed grave news it appears that the cerebrus gas has been
01:10:58interfering with our translation devices what's he done sharon i'm afraid janet that we have been
01:11:04calling ourselves by foolish sounding earthly names female ones are that it seems that
01:11:13sharon is particularly favored among female earthlings from australia the shame of it
01:11:20sharon i mean what should we be calling you call me the death dealing darkness bringer
01:11:28yes oh death stealer
01:11:33great waffles master who cares about waffles katherine hates me ray hates me everybody hates
01:11:41me i don't hate you and i care about waffles i think i like them even more than biscuits even
01:11:46red biscuits you know the worst thing is dennis this is all my fault you know i was just thinking
01:11:51about myself what i could get and yet with these powers you know i could have solved every problem
01:11:58in the world i could have made people happy you couldn't make katherine happy because i wanted
01:12:03her to love me you know i was being selfish i mean take world hunger you know uh let everybody
01:12:11in the world have as much food as they want i mean take homelessness let everybody in the
01:12:18world have somewhere to live no no no uh live in their dream house and war senseless war over
01:12:25forever let there be no reason for anyone to make war on anyone anymore yay yeah oh and
01:12:32reverse global warming has it happened
01:12:41the latest nation to succumb to the sudden mysterious exponential growth in world food
01:12:46supplies is china where the average weight is now 300 pounds and rising well today a party
01:12:52of picnicking school children brought down a mile-long section of the great wall of china
01:12:58as homelessness becomes a thing of the past the last undeveloped area of the sahara desert has
01:13:03become a gated community known as bogey towers property developers are now converging on
01:13:09well i mean at least i got rid of war well that was a good one that there'd be no reason to make
01:13:14war on anyone anymore well how could that go wrong for no reason at all new zealand has declared war
01:13:23wow barbados has declared war on somalia and in a surprise move the tiny island of
01:13:28st kitts and nevis has declared war on the entire rest of the world our war correspondent says he
01:13:34is unavailable for comment because he's too busy covering all the other wars which have just broken
01:13:39out for no reason at all a short time ago scientists were afraid of constantly rising
01:13:45global temperatures none of them have any explanation for this global warming not only
01:13:51to the last ice age but to a snowball earth of half a billion years ago on the other hand
01:13:59plans to turn the antarctic into the captain scott gated community have been put on hold shit
01:14:05shit shit shit oh it's not so easy trying to do good is it yeah this is just unfair
01:14:11beams and particles let everything go back to how it was before i started trying to make
01:14:15everything better for everybody beautiful though the earth looks from space we all know how fragile
01:14:21it is how much damage human beings have done to it and will it seems continue to do to it
01:14:30absolute power doesn't corrupt it just drives you bloody mad
01:14:34tell katherine i love her don't do it master i love you i've made arrangements for your biscuits
01:14:52you'll never have to worry about them again you're the kindest master just just okay i can't
01:14:56concentrate master don't you love me i can't stand it dennis i can't stand the responsibility
01:15:06you need to get that into your stupid dog brain
01:15:14i'll save you master here i come
01:15:16ah
01:15:21i can't swim master help
01:15:37you do love me master of course i love you dennis i just don't love myself
01:15:46time's up prime the destruction generator hang on we need to check if he's passed the test
01:15:53well he did start all those wars that was good but then he stopped them all
01:16:00but why he said he was trying to make things better for people that's very appalling
01:16:10the only good is to destroy the only evil his weakness weakness must be annihilated
01:16:18agreed vaporize the earthling and his wretched planet i told you so reprime the destruction
01:16:27generator
01:16:58try her again neil go on she won't have me then give up the powers i can't then give them to me
01:17:07you wouldn't have the powers but you'd know where they were and being a dog all i want to do is
01:17:13follow orders i'll do what you tell me to you're a genius not bad huh destruction generator already
01:17:24charged death dealing darkness bringer
01:17:37it is a curse that our neurons take so long to pronounce uh yeah it's like uh you just wave
01:17:42your hand like that i feel it wow yeah there you go so what's it gonna be biscuits but the power
01:17:53yeah but i don't have them anymore do i look tree become eiffel tower see
01:18:02what are you thinking dennis
01:18:03forgive me master what wait wait what are you gonna do
01:18:18that's the only short one
01:18:22if i have any power let the source of that power be destroyed forever
01:18:33so
01:18:57wait
01:19:03so
01:19:16oh
01:19:26oh all this marking be suddenly finished and neatly stacked up
01:19:34fiona blackwell go away
01:19:46fiona how lovely to see you
01:19:48thank you hey great news i got my sight back
01:19:54hey i think i hear catherine
01:20:01catherine hi hey um the letters become cucumbers
01:20:08us beyond the prow of the titanic i got rid of the powers i'm impressed
01:20:14yeah so i thought maybe we could have some dinner sometime
01:20:20yeah maybe yeah okay
01:20:36how about tonight i'll be down in half an hour
01:20:45we're going out to dinner i'll bring you both back a doggy bag i suppose i better keep my mouth
01:20:54shut turn me back den i can't i like you as you are stubby legs look at you i'm not a dog i'm a man
01:21:02hey nobody's perfect
01:21:10you could do anything whatever you want to do what would you do and who would you do it too
01:21:20if you could be
01:21:38streaking through the light
01:21:50raining at the star oh absolutely anything
01:21:56this is chewing a biscuit boss i'll try and give you that right now hold on one second
01:22:01no red biscuit right no no
01:22:05oh
01:22:14this is like porn now shaking noise
01:22:19oh look there's the red bit
01:22:21oh
01:22:26i'm done okay that's enough chewing biscuit for enough now
01:22:51at all was a bit of a ball but the truth keeps rolling around
01:22:55i think i'm gonna play a lot i think they got the power
01:23:17hey i'm gonna get you jumping jumping on the spot with a little something something
01:23:22that you got so come on people yeah come on people
01:23:29absolutely anything and anything at all
01:23:35streaking through the light
01:23:40absolutely anything and anything at all i can see the future but i never get to tell
01:23:45shining in the starlight all i want to do is say absolutely
01:24:16is
01:24:40anything
01:24:46oh absolutely anything
01:24:54absolutely anything
01:25:15you