• 3 months ago
COMEDY, CRIME
Joe North is a cab driver in London, something that gives him many opportunities to have sex.

Director
Stanley A. Long
Writers
Suzanne Mercer, Stanley A. Long
Stars
Barry Evans, Judy Geeson, Adrienne Posta

***
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Transcript
00:00:30I'd like to take a ride with you
00:00:33Don't want to be tied to you
00:00:37I promise I'll try my very best
00:00:41To please you, darling
00:00:44You know that there's more of me
00:00:48There's things you can share with me
00:00:51So take my tip
00:00:53And we could skip formalities
00:00:57Won't you be my cruisin'?
00:01:00Casanova
00:01:02Click your fingers and I'll be over there
00:01:06Smoothin' your hair, smoothin' your cares away
00:01:11There's no refusin'
00:01:14Casanova
00:01:16Stop the clock and we're workin' overtime
00:01:21Cruisin' Casanova, be mine
00:01:24My name's the Taxi Driver
00:01:27My name's the Taxi Driver
00:01:43Every major international city
00:01:45has that most popular means of transport, the taxi.
00:01:49That unique brand of conveyance
00:01:52which combines efficiency with individuality
00:01:55perhaps most popular for the personal service it provides.
00:02:02Enthusiastic, hard-working, with never a moment's rest
00:02:06probably the taxi driver's most lovable attribute
00:02:09is the warm welcome he is always eager to extend to foreign visitors.
00:02:15The moment you hail a taxi
00:02:17you can be sure of being greeted by a friendly smile
00:02:21a concern for your well-being
00:02:23and someone at the wheel always ready to lend a helping hand.
00:02:44There are at present literally millions of taxis
00:02:47operating throughout the world on a 24-hour basis
00:02:52ensuring that at any time, day or night, within seconds
00:02:56you can be speeding happily away to the destination of your choice.
00:03:03Renowned for their total lack of prejudice
00:03:05a taxi will stop for anybody, irrespective of colour, class or creed.
00:03:17Adored by the public for their whimsical charm and delightful disposition
00:03:21perhaps more than any other form of public transport
00:03:24the taxi driver holds a unique place in the hearts of the people
00:03:29not least his fellow road users
00:03:31who appreciate to the full that quiet, courteous patience
00:03:35that affable, friendly manner
00:03:37that consideration for his fellow motorists
00:03:39with whom he is always ready to exchange a friendly wave
00:03:43and some merry little quip.
00:03:47But possibly more than anything else to his credit
00:03:50the taxi driver bears the distinction of being a driver of knowledge
00:03:53experience and efficiency
00:03:56reassuring all who drive with him
00:03:58that the taxi is not only the safest vehicle on the road
00:04:01but holds the proud record for being involved in the least number of accidents.
00:04:07Ahhhh!
00:04:13Without a doubt, we, the public, owe much to these gallant knights of the road
00:04:19of whom it can truly be said
00:04:21everything we feel for them
00:04:24they feel for us.
00:04:36That'll be seventy-five, Gav.
00:04:38Thank you.
00:04:40Thank you.
00:04:42Thank you very much.
00:04:44Well, you try smiling when you've been lumbered with a miserable tight-fisted git like him
00:04:49after you've fought through all the bleeding traffic
00:04:51and had him moaning on at you like it was all your fault.
00:04:54Well, you try smiling when you've been lumbered with a miserable tight-fisted git like him
00:04:57after you've fought through all the bleeding traffic
00:04:59and had him moaning on at you like it was all your fault.
00:05:06Sorry about that.
00:05:08Been a bit of a bad day, know what I mean?
00:05:10By the way, my name's Joe.
00:05:12Well, with a name like that, I had to go in the cabbing business, didn't I?
00:05:15Been at it a year or so now.
00:05:17Got me own cab.
00:05:18Well, almost.
00:05:19Soon as I finish paying for it.
00:05:21Yeah, it's not such a bad job, really.
00:05:23It's hard work, but then so's anything these days.
00:05:26Not that I mind.
00:05:27Got me health and strength, know what I mean?
00:05:30Mind you, I'll be a lot happier when I get me own place.
00:05:32Trouble is, you see, I live at home.
00:05:34You need a bit of peace and quiet after doing this job.
00:05:37And living at home?
00:05:38No joke, I can tell you.
00:05:40Oh, yeah, makes a great start to the day.
00:05:44Oh, come on, Mum, I'm late as it is.
00:05:47Well, it's your own fault.
00:05:49Coming in here last night.
00:05:51Sisters and you, crashing about all over the place and waking me up.
00:05:55Lay off, Mar, will you?
00:05:56Do us a favour.
00:05:58You're getting more like your father every day, you are.
00:06:01And you're going to end up like him, mark my words.
00:06:04And where were you last night?
00:06:05Out screwing some poor innocent little girl, I suppose.
00:06:08Just like your father.
00:06:10Don't make me laugh.
00:06:11You hardly knew him.
00:06:12You only met him once.
00:06:14Don't talk like that in front of the baby.
00:06:17Woke her up and all, didn't he, my dear little pet?
00:06:21More consideration.
00:06:23Twice I met him.
00:06:25Twice.
00:06:26Give me him!
00:06:28Mummy will give you something nicer than that to play with.
00:06:31There's a good little girl.
00:06:34Well, are you going to sit staring at that all day or are you going to eat it?
00:06:37I don't feel like eating.
00:06:38Look, just give me a cup of tea, will you?
00:06:40Oh, I don't know why I bother, I really don't.
00:06:43I mean, food is wasted just as though it costs nothing.
00:06:46All right, all right.
00:06:47Oh, it's burning.
00:06:48Porridge better smell.
00:06:52Oh, it's all right.
00:06:53Just at the bottom.
00:06:54The top's all right.
00:06:59I don't like porridge!
00:07:00Yes, you do.
00:07:01It's lovely.
00:07:02It's porridge!
00:07:03Porridge, porridge!
00:07:04Shut up!
00:07:05Oh!
00:07:06Now look what you've done.
00:07:08You know it makes her cry.
00:07:10All right, I'll give up.
00:07:11That's it.
00:07:12Bloody hell.
00:07:13I'm late as it is.
00:07:14Where's me fares, will you?
00:07:15Oh, in the cupboard.
00:07:18Oh, my God.
00:07:23That little tyke's been thieving again, hasn't he?
00:07:25Where is he?
00:07:26Peter, come in here!
00:07:28Peter!
00:07:29And he's like his father and all.
00:07:31Wind up in the same cell with him, I shouldn't wonder, the way he's carrying on.
00:07:35Peter!
00:07:36How am I supposed to get to sleep in all this racket?
00:07:39Yeah?
00:07:40So, where's the fire then?
00:07:41Over here.
00:07:42Come here.
00:07:43Look, what have you got to say about all this lot then?
00:07:45Good gear, isn't it?
00:07:46I mean, it's not rubbish, is it?
00:07:48Yeah, you said you've got a proper job.
00:07:50Well, I have.
00:07:51I mean, I'm doing it proper now, aren't I?
00:07:53Been working very hard at it and all.
00:07:55I've got a sharp little organisation together.
00:07:57You're going to get us all into trouble one of these days.
00:07:59I mean, anyone could just walk in.
00:08:00Yeah, and all that lot lying there.
00:08:02Not to mention 20 cartons of hairspray I found hidden under me bed.
00:08:07Fell off the back of a lorry, didn't they, Mum?
00:08:09You're going to end up in the nick with ten years ahead of you.
00:08:11Peter's going in the nick!
00:08:13Peter's going in the nick!
00:08:14Why can't you get an honest job for once?
00:08:16What, like driving a cab?
00:08:18Leave off?
00:08:19Anyway, that's no more than bleeding highway robbery,
00:08:21so what are you doing telling me to go straight?
00:08:23Oh, choice. I like that.
00:08:27Just don't ask me to bail you out, that's all.
00:08:32It's your funeral.
00:08:45What did I tell you, eh? It's always like that.
00:08:47Makes it a pleasure going to work in the morning.
00:08:55I tell you what will cheer me up, is to pick up a nice bit of crumpet.
00:08:58Very handy for introductions, this motor.
00:09:14A man about town like you, may have better things to do.
00:09:21Spending this time, I see that it's worth your while.
00:09:26Oh, baby, I know you've been worth running free.
00:09:32I think you might be fine with me.
00:09:34Forget the rest, I'd like to test your driving style.
00:09:41Won't you be my cruising Casanova?
00:09:46Click your fingers and I'll be over there.
00:09:50Soothing your head, soothing your cares away.
00:09:55There's no refusing, Casanova.
00:10:00Stop the clock and we're working overtime.
00:10:04Cruising Casanova, be my man.
00:10:08Cruising Casanova.
00:10:16Where to, darling?
00:10:17Lambeth Bridge, please.
00:10:19Right you are, then.
00:10:32Nice morning, innit? You off to work, then?
00:10:35Yeah, I thought so. I can usually tell.
00:10:37Oh, being in this job, you have to be a bit of a psychologist.
00:10:40What do you do for a living, eh? Don't tell me. Let me guess.
00:10:43I'd say you're a secretary, right?
00:10:46Personal secretary to some oil magnate, eh?
00:10:49Really high-powered.
00:10:51Don't let appearances fool you.
00:10:53You're rightly to rave at this one when it gets going.
00:10:55Got a lovely little body on her, too. No mistake.
00:10:59Looks a bit miserable, though.
00:11:01I know what she needs, right?
00:11:03That's another thing I can tell.
00:11:05Whether a bird's had a good seeing to or not the night before.
00:11:09I reckon that one's had a right thin time of it lately, don't you?
00:11:13Born in London, were you? Now, don't tell me. Let me guess.
00:11:16I'd say, judging from your accent, that you're from somewhere up north, right?
00:11:20Yes, I can usually tell.
00:11:22Somewhere like Liverpool, maybe?
00:11:25Yeah, Liverpool, I'd say.
00:11:28She's weakening. What did I tell you, eh?
00:11:30Oh, yes. Definitely softening up.
00:11:32Stands out a mile.
00:11:34Which side of the bridge, love?
00:11:36The middle.
00:11:37The middle?
00:11:38Right, then. Middle it is.
00:11:52That'll be, um...
00:11:53Here, hang on.
00:11:54Hey, hang on a minute, darling.
00:11:56What about my affair?
00:12:01DOOR SLAMS
00:12:08Go away and leave me alone, please. Just leave me alone.
00:12:11But I never laid a finger on you.
00:12:13What's the matter with you? Jesus Christ, I only want me bleeding fair.
00:12:16Look, if you haven't got it, there's no need to panic.
00:12:18I mean it. Don't come any closer.
00:12:20All right, all right. I'm going. I'm going.
00:12:22You don't care, do you? Nobody cares.
00:12:25Eh?
00:12:26No-one will even notice I'm dead.
00:12:28If that's the way it is, I'll jump now.
00:12:30Oh, my God!
00:12:31Don't try and stop me. It's too late.
00:12:33My mind's made up.
00:12:35No, wait! Don't do it!
00:12:37Pain.
00:12:38The suffering will only end when the icy waters close over me,
00:12:41carrying me away into oblivion.
00:12:43Funny bird.
00:12:44Dreamless sleep of eternity.
00:12:46Darling, why don't you tell me about it?
00:12:47I mean, I don't pretend to understand.
00:12:49I've only just met you, haven't I?
00:12:50But you know what they say, right?
00:12:51A trouble shared is a trouble halved.
00:12:53And all I can say is, well, it seems to me a terrible waste.
00:12:56A beautiful girl like you trying to do away with herself.
00:12:58What do you say, eh?
00:12:59I mean, nothing's ever that bad, really.
00:13:01Not when you come down to it.
00:13:02It's too late for talking now.
00:13:04Oh, please, darling, try, eh?
00:13:06I'm all alone in the world.
00:13:08No-one loves me.
00:13:09No-one cares.
00:13:10You don't know what it's like to be left alone.
00:13:12Unloved.
00:13:13Unwanted.
00:13:14Hold on, I don't believe it.
00:13:16Beautiful girl like you and no-one wants to know?
00:13:18Listen, I could love you.
00:13:20I mean, the first time I saw you, I said to myself,
00:13:22now there's a girl I could really love.
00:13:24There was a man.
00:13:25Once.
00:13:26I thought he loved me.
00:13:28Oh, Ronald, Ronald!
00:13:29Watch yourself, you fool!
00:13:31He's never coming back.
00:13:32I'll never see him again, never.
00:13:33I want to die.
00:13:34I can't face life without him.
00:13:36Oh, Ronald, Ronald!
00:13:38Ah!
00:13:40Phew!
00:13:41I can't even kill myself properly.
00:13:43I'm a failure at everything.
00:13:45No, you just need cheering up, that's all.
00:13:47Look, you've had a nasty shock, right?
00:13:49Why don't I take you home, eh?
00:13:51Where do you live?
00:13:52Do you really think I'll ever be able to forget Ronald?
00:13:54Of course you will, with a bit of help.
00:13:56I need love, you see.
00:13:58That's what I need.
00:13:59Lots of loving.
00:14:00Well, I did just save her life, didn't I?
00:14:03I mean, the way I look at it, it's an offer I can't refuse.
00:14:06And strong arms.
00:14:07Strong arms to hold me.
00:14:09Hold you?
00:14:10It's like trying to undress a bloody octopus.
00:14:12I don't want you to think I'm promiscuous
00:14:14just because you caught me at a weak moment.
00:14:16Oh, I don't, I don't.
00:14:17Look, just lift up a bit, will you?
00:14:19It's just that without Ronald, I feel so helpless.
00:14:21I don't know, you seem to be doing all right.
00:14:23I wish he was here right now so he could see.
00:14:25Oh, I don't.
00:14:28Linda!
00:14:30It's Ronald.
00:14:31Ronald?
00:14:35Oh.
00:14:36You've got it all wrong, mate.
00:14:37It's not like that at all.
00:14:39I mean, I've just brought her back in my cab, you see.
00:14:41And you're just collecting the fare, that right?
00:14:43Yeah.
00:14:44No, you mustn't get it wrong.
00:14:47I didn't dare leave her.
00:14:50She was going to do herself in.
00:14:52Throw herself off Lambeth Bridge.
00:14:54Well, that makes a change.
00:14:56Let's see, what's the score now?
00:14:58Westminster twice, Blackfriars, London Bridge, Tower Bridge
00:15:01and that's only in the last few months.
00:15:03Well, how was I supposed to know?
00:15:04I mean, she was in a terrible state.
00:15:05Said you'd left her.
00:15:06And you did.
00:15:07You just walked out without saying goodbye
00:15:09and you slammed the door.
00:15:10Cover yourself up, will you?
00:15:11That's typical, that is.
00:15:12Most of the time you want me to uncover myself.
00:15:14That's different, that's when I'm with you.
00:15:15Well, you're with me now, so what's different?
00:15:17Admit it, you only want me for my body.
00:15:19Oh, Linda, don't be so ridiculous.
00:15:20I'm not being...
00:15:21You think you can treat me how you like,
00:15:22as if I've got no feelings.
00:15:24Now, you know that's not true.
00:15:25Oh, calling me a liar are you now?
00:15:27Not content with only wanting me for my body,
00:15:28I'm a liar as well.
00:15:29I didn't say that.
00:15:30Um, excuse me.
00:15:31I knew it.
00:15:32I just knew it.
00:15:33You don't love me anymore.
00:15:34Of course I do.
00:15:35You wouldn't say such things if you did.
00:15:37Look, I don't want to interrupt anything...
00:15:38Look, if I didn't love you,
00:15:39how the hell could I have put up with you for so long?
00:15:41I said, I don't want to interrupt...
00:15:42Just mind your own business.
00:15:43Keep your nose out of this, mate.
00:15:44I've got to go to work sometimes, you know.
00:15:46Without you thinking I'm leaving you
00:15:47and threatening to commit suicide.
00:15:49You drive me to it.
00:15:50You're so...
00:15:51You're so cruel to me, thank you.
00:15:53Oh, don't be so stupid.
00:15:54I mean, you're sick.
00:15:55That's your trouble.
00:15:56Oh, yes.
00:15:57That's always your attitude.
00:15:58You never think.
00:15:59And you still haven't remembered.
00:16:01Remembered what, for heaven's sake?
00:16:03It's my birthday.
00:16:05So what's important about a birthday?
00:16:06It's very important.
00:16:07You have one every year.
00:16:08Come on, you've got to have more than one.
00:16:09It's very important to have a birthday.
00:16:13It's going to be one of those days.
00:16:15I just know it.
00:16:19I'd like to take her out and push her under a bus.
00:16:21Don't you talk about your little sister like that.
00:16:24I won't have it.
00:16:26Sister?
00:16:27She's not even human.
00:16:28Look at that lot.
00:16:29A whole bleeding tan of soap powder ruined.
00:16:31Do you know how much money she's lost me?
00:16:33I don't care.
00:16:34I don't care.
00:16:35I don't care.
00:16:36I don't care.
00:16:37I don't care.
00:16:38I don't care.
00:16:39I don't care.
00:16:40I don't care.
00:16:41Look at how much money she's lost me.
00:16:42And when I've done a deal on it.
00:16:43Knocked myself out.
00:16:44I set it up.
00:16:45Well, no one asked you to bring it in here, did they?
00:16:47Cluttering up my kitchen.
00:16:49Well, I want it out.
00:16:50Just get rid of it.
00:16:51Do you hear me?
00:16:52Oh, yeah.
00:16:53Now, what am I supposed to say?
00:16:55Like, listen, mate.
00:16:56About that soap powder.
00:16:57I did have it, see?
00:16:58But it sort of vanished.
00:16:59Sorry about that.
00:17:00Or how about my little sister decided to decorate the house with it.
00:17:03Oh, they're going to love that.
00:17:05After they've picked themselves up off the bloody floor laughing, of course.
00:17:08Joe, Joe.
00:17:09You just tell him, will you?
00:17:10Just tell him to get rid of it.
00:17:12No, no.
00:17:13I've had as much as I can take.
00:17:14I'll wash my hands of the whole bleeding lot of you.
00:17:16That's it, as far as I'm concerned.
00:17:19Why don't you get rid of the stuff you've already got before you bring more in?
00:17:23It's getting so that I can't even move around me own house.
00:17:26What's all that gear doing in my bedroom?
00:17:28I'll bring her bloody little neck.
00:17:29So help me, I will.
00:17:30Peter!
00:17:31The little monster ought to have been put down at birth.
00:17:33What?
00:17:34Peter!
00:17:35What?
00:17:36What?
00:17:37I want to know what all that...
00:17:38Oh, never mind.
00:17:39Forget it.
00:17:40And where do you think you're going, Sonny Jim?
00:17:43I've got a nice little job for you first.
00:17:47Dump it.
00:17:48Oh, Ma.
00:17:49Where?
00:17:50That's your problem, not mine.
00:17:53And mind you, bring that bucket back.
00:18:04Where do you think you're going with that?
00:18:06I told you, I'm leaving.
00:18:07Oh, I see.
00:18:08Just walking out and leaving me to cope.
00:18:10A fine son you turned out to be.
00:18:13Just like your father, whoever he was.
00:18:16Here, what am I supposed to tell Carol when she comes?
00:18:19Well, you can tell her to...
00:18:21Hello, love.
00:18:22Hello, love.
00:18:23Carol, be steady.
00:18:24Bit of a drag.
00:18:25Got wedding bells in her ears.
00:18:27What are you doing with that, then?
00:18:29He's clearing off.
00:18:30Walking out on his responsibilities.
00:18:33That's what he's doing.
00:18:34Oh, no.
00:18:35No, I'm sure Joe wouldn't do a thing like that without telling me, would you, Joe?
00:18:39Yes, I would.
00:18:40I've had enough.
00:18:41I'm clearing out.
00:18:42I've had enough.
00:18:43Oh.
00:18:44Well, I expect I'll see you later, then.
00:18:47Joe?
00:18:48Joe?
00:18:49Joe, no, would you come here?
00:18:51Come here.
00:18:52Do I comprehend the situation correctly?
00:18:54Are you leaving home?
00:18:56Dead right.
00:18:57Without a word to me or even a bye or leave?
00:19:00It's got nothing to do with you.
00:19:02You think it's got nothing to do with me?
00:19:04I happen to be your fiancée, and fiancées have a right to know these things.
00:19:08So where are you going?
00:19:09I don't know.
00:19:10What do you mean, you don't know?
00:19:12Well, I just told you, I don't know.
00:19:14You can't just leave home and not know where you're going.
00:19:16Well, as soon as I find somewhere, I'll get in touch, all right?
00:19:19Well, when's that, then?
00:19:21How should I know tonight, tomorrow, as soon as I'm settled in?
00:19:24Well, does that mean you're not going to take me out tonight?
00:19:26How can I?
00:19:27I don't know where I'll be.
00:19:28Gone with the wind.
00:19:29What?
00:19:30That's what you were supposed to take me to.
00:19:32Gone with the wind.
00:19:33Oh, come on, you must have seen it ten times.
00:19:35Eleven.
00:19:36What with that and Lady and the Tramp every year at Christmas.
00:19:38It's enough to drive anyone up the wall.
00:19:40Well, you don't have to come.
00:19:41I mean, nobody's forcing you to.
00:19:43I mean, you don't have to care if I'm on my own,
00:19:45probably being molested in the back row.
00:19:47Oh, come on, who's going to molest you?
00:19:49Lots of people, if I let them.
00:19:51Anyway, you always do.
00:19:53Yeah, well, I've got to find something to do, haven't I?
00:19:55Gone with the wind, it's a long film.
00:19:56Well, if you won't take me to the pictures,
00:19:58why can't I come with you and help you find somewhere to stay?
00:20:01Carol, I'll be all right.
00:20:03Supposing you're moving in with another woman?
00:20:06Oh, leave off, Carol.
00:20:08Well, how am I supposed to know?
00:20:10Look, I'll ring you, all right?
00:20:12You see, if you would have told me you were leaving home,
00:20:14I could have done the same.
00:20:16And then we could have moved in together
00:20:18and got married before I originally planned.
00:20:20Yeah, well, I'll ring you.
00:20:22You see, if you wouldn't mind hanging about for a bit,
00:20:24I could belt home and start packing straight away.
00:20:26I know, look, um...
00:20:27Twenty minutes, fifteen at the outside if you took me back ahead.
00:20:30Carol, I haven't got time for all this.
00:20:37What is the matter?
00:20:38Do you not want to live with me any more?
00:20:40Of course I do, it's nothing to do with that.
00:20:42Well, you wouldn't think so the way you go on about it.
00:20:44You know, you'll have to get used to it once we're married.
00:20:47Look, what's up with you?
00:20:48Don't you trust me or something?
00:20:49Quite frankly, no.
00:20:51Charming.
00:20:52Well, it's just that I don't like to think of you being unfaithful,
00:20:55especially as I spent all my savings last week buying my engagement ring.
00:20:59Have I ever been unfaithful to you?
00:21:01No.
00:21:02Have you ever caught me with another woman?
00:21:04No.
00:21:05Have you ever caught me, when I've been out with you,
00:21:08even looking at another woman?
00:21:10No.
00:21:11Well, there you are then.
00:21:12You've got nothing to worry about, have you?
00:21:15That is besides the point.
00:21:17Remember, a penny saved is a penny not spent.
00:21:22What are you going on about?
00:21:24Do not put all your balls in one basket.
00:21:27That is what I'm trying to say.
00:21:29You see, if I caught you reclining in the embrace of another woman,
00:21:34do you know what I would do?
00:21:36I would chop it off.
00:21:39Look, you can trust me.
00:21:41As soon as I find somewhere, I'll ring you, all right?
00:21:44Well, I thought I was coming with you.
00:21:46What?
00:21:47Well, that's what we agreed.
00:21:49Yeah, well, look, you go home and pack your things.
00:21:51Yeah.
00:21:52And then as soon as I find somewhere...
00:21:54Yeah.
00:21:55I'll see you later.
00:21:56No.
00:21:59I haven't finished yet!
00:22:27Tom!
00:22:28Tom!
00:22:29You about?
00:22:30With you in a minute.
00:22:34Joe!
00:22:35How are things?
00:22:36Oh, not so bad.
00:22:37Eh, might have a carry-on.
00:22:38Busy, I see.
00:22:39Ah, not bad.
00:22:42Still got your picture gallery then?
00:22:44You dirty old bastard.
00:22:46Make good dartboards.
00:22:47Should see how my aim's improved.
00:22:49Here, pass that grease gun, will you?
00:22:53Tom.
00:22:55How's the cab business then?
00:22:57Ah, mustn't grumble.
00:23:02Thing is, I, er...
00:23:05I did want to ask you a favour, mate.
00:23:08Oh, yeah?
00:23:09Yeah, er...
00:23:11You know that flat you've got upstairs?
00:23:13Yeah, what about it?
00:23:15Well, it's got two bedrooms, right?
00:23:17Just about, yeah.
00:23:18Yeah, well, I've got this problem, see.
00:23:20Like, I've got to find somewhere to live, and, er...
00:23:22Well, seeing as how we're mates,
00:23:24I mean, I'd help towards the rent and that.
00:23:26Listen, Joe, any time.
00:23:28You know that.
00:23:29Unfortunately, it's not that simple.
00:23:31I mean, if you'd asked me a couple of weeks ago, no problem.
00:23:33But the trouble is, I've got a lady living with me at the moment.
00:23:35Don't tell me you need two beds.
00:23:37You must be slipping.
00:23:38No, no, no, it's not that.
00:23:40Look, Joe, I'll be straight with you.
00:23:42You know women.
00:23:43You never know how they'll react.
00:23:44I mean, well, Nicky's a nice lady, but...
00:23:46Well, she does work odd hours.
00:23:48Yeah?
00:23:49Has its advantages, I suppose.
00:23:51I wouldn't ask, if I wasn't really desperate.
00:23:54Just till I get something else fixed up.
00:23:56All right, all right.
00:23:57Just for a couple of weeks.
00:23:58Till you find somewhere.
00:23:59Yeah.
00:24:01Is this a private party, or can anyone join in?
00:24:03Hello, talk of the devil.
00:24:06I'll say this for Tom.
00:24:07He certainly knows how to pick them.
00:24:09I mean, it's obviously a bit of class.
00:24:10Probably an air hose test, or something like that.
00:24:12This is Nicky.
00:24:13She's a stripper.
00:24:15Well, it can't always be right, can you?
00:24:17Joe's coming to stay with us for a while.
00:24:19Oh, nice.
00:24:20When?
00:24:21How about now?
00:24:22You weren't kidding, were you?
00:24:25Well, I don't believe in hanging about.
00:24:26Once my mind's made up.
00:24:27You, er...
00:24:29planning on staying long, then?
00:24:31Well, just till I get myself sorted out.
00:24:33Find a nice little place to live.
00:24:35Oh, if you hear of anywhere that's going,
00:24:37not too expensive.
00:24:38Oh, yeah, sure.
00:24:40She fancies me.
00:24:41I can tell.
00:24:42I could pull this one dead easy.
00:24:43No problem.
00:24:45I expect you're like me.
00:24:47Work odd hours.
00:24:49Yeah, I do a bit.
00:24:51I suppose that means we won't see a lot of each other, then.
00:24:55If that's a quick one before I go.
00:24:59Oh, er...
00:25:00No, thanks.
00:25:01Better get out and earn some money.
00:25:03Like me to drop you off?
00:25:04Oh, yeah, great.
00:25:06Save me getting a cab.
00:25:08Yeah, I could definitely make it with her.
00:25:10But I think I'd better put in a bit of hard graft.
00:25:12Earn myself some money.
00:25:13Yes, that's what I'm going to concentrate on for a bit.
00:25:16Money.
00:25:46Oh, yeah, great.
00:25:47Save me getting a cab.
00:25:48Like me to drop you off?
00:25:49Oh, yeah, great.
00:25:50Save me getting a cab.
00:25:51Oh, yeah, great.
00:25:52Save me getting a cab.
00:25:53Oh, yeah, great.
00:25:54Save me getting a cab.
00:25:55Oh, yeah, great.
00:25:56Save me getting a cab.
00:25:57Oh, yeah, great.
00:25:58Save me getting a cab.
00:25:59Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:00Save me getting a cab.
00:26:01Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:02Save me getting a cab.
00:26:03Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:04Save me getting a cab.
00:26:05Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:06Save me getting a cab.
00:26:07Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:08Save me getting a cab.
00:26:09Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:10Save me getting a cab.
00:26:11Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:12Save me getting a cab.
00:26:13Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:14Save me getting a cab.
00:26:15Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:16Save me getting a cab.
00:26:17Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:18Save me getting a cab.
00:26:19Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:20Save me getting a cab.
00:26:21Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:22Save me getting a cab.
00:26:23Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:24Save me getting a cab.
00:26:25Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:26Save me getting a cab.
00:26:27Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:28Save me getting a cab.
00:26:29Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:30Save me getting a cab.
00:26:31Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:32Save me getting a cab.
00:26:33Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:34Save me getting a cab.
00:26:35Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:36Save me getting a cab.
00:26:37Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:38Save me getting a cab.
00:26:39Oh, yeah, great.
00:26:41Ricky.
00:26:42Ricky.
00:26:43Ricky.
00:26:44Ricky.
00:26:45No, stand back for God's sake.
00:26:48Stand back.
00:26:49Why?
00:26:50What's happened?
00:26:51It's in there.
00:26:56No, don't go any closer.
00:26:57No.
00:26:58Don't be silly.
00:26:59It's Monty.
00:27:00Oh, don't touch it.
00:27:01They're bad, you know?
00:27:02They're poisonous.
00:27:03Monty.
00:27:04Monty.
00:27:05Is it Monty?
00:27:06What do you mean?
00:27:07Your tail!
00:27:08Yeah.
00:27:09Monty is a python, and they don't bite.
00:27:14Anyway, he wouldn't hurt anyone, would you, Monty?
00:27:17Are you trying to tell me...
00:27:19Is that thing yours?
00:27:21Well, of course it is.
00:27:24And don't shout.
00:27:26You'll upset him.
00:27:28He's very highly strung.
00:27:30Was he doing it in my bath?
00:27:32Where else could I put him?
00:27:35Anyway, he likes it in the baths.
00:27:38Keep that horrible thing away from me.
00:27:40I'm telling you, you'll have to get rid of it.
00:27:42It's not staying here. You'll have to get rid of it.
00:27:45Get rid of it?
00:27:47I can't.
00:27:48And even if I wanted to, which I don't,
00:27:51he's part of my act.
00:27:52Change your act.
00:27:54Change my act?
00:27:56Monty is a huge success,
00:27:58and you don't replace that in a hurry.
00:28:01Do you, darling?
00:28:02Oh, will you stop doing that?
00:28:04It gives me the horrors.
00:28:05Those beady little eyes staring at me all the time.
00:28:07I don't know why you're making such a fuss.
00:28:10Give me his basket.
00:28:18I don't know how you'd feel if you found a snake in your bath.
00:28:20I mean, I almost had a heart attack.
00:28:22Are you sure that thing's going to be safe in there?
00:28:24Yes, of course he is.
00:28:27Monty is very well behaved.
00:28:31Here you go.
00:28:33There we are.
00:29:04Hi, Jerry, Bill.
00:29:06What's the joke?
00:29:07Pick any winners, did you?
00:29:09Nah.
00:29:10It's a mugs game, that.
00:29:11I'm going to give it up, mate.
00:29:12Save your money.
00:29:13Hello, sexy.
00:29:15My money?
00:29:16Might as well spend it on that, as anything else.
00:29:18I bet I'm thrown away on ruddy women all the time, like you.
00:29:20What you talking about?
00:29:21I make them pay.
00:29:22That's a secret, mate.
00:29:23Sex maniac.
00:29:24That's what you are.
00:29:25Nah, you're just too old, mate.
00:29:26That's your trouble.
00:29:27Can't get it up anymore.
00:29:29From what I've heard, you can't get yours down, mate.
00:29:31Well, pardon me while I do, Charles, innit?
00:29:33Oh, that's what they call it, is it?
00:29:35What's the matter with you, eh?
00:29:36You've forgotten what it's like?
00:29:38He thinks he invented sex.
00:29:40Hello, Joe.
00:29:41Hello, Dora.
00:29:47Haven't seen you for a while.
00:29:49Been busy, innit?
00:29:50Two dog rolls, two teas.
00:29:52The way he carries on, I'm surprised I don't get dropped off by now.
00:29:55Go on, you're just jealous.
00:29:57Like hell.
00:29:59You get to my age, you've done it all, haven't you?
00:30:01I'll get to your age, I'll need your help.
00:30:03Ah, get lost, mate.
00:30:05You reckon that's all there is to this job, don't you?
00:30:07Pulling birds.
00:30:08What do you reckon it's all about, then?
00:30:10You're all the bloody same.
00:30:12Out on the road for a couple of years, think you know it all?
00:30:15You'll find out.
00:30:17How's that dreadful brother of yours?
00:30:19What, Peter?
00:30:20Dreadful.
00:30:22What do you fancy, then?
00:30:24What do you think?
00:30:25Give us a dog roll, will you?
00:30:26One dog roll.
00:30:27One dog roll?
00:30:28You're going to get done one of these days, the way he carries on.
00:30:31More than likely.
00:30:32Still, I shan't be there to see it.
00:30:33Moved out.
00:30:34Couldn't stand it any longer.
00:30:35I'm on my own place now.
00:30:36Moved in with Carol, have you?
00:30:38Not bloody likely.
00:30:39Yeah?
00:30:40When are you going to invite me round, then?
00:30:42Any time you like, darling.
00:30:44Well, I'm free tonight.
00:30:45Funny you should say that.
00:30:47So am I.
00:30:48Pick you up about seven, all right?
00:30:49All right.
00:30:52Hey!
00:30:58Joe, if I let you, you know, you wouldn't think me cheap, would you?
00:31:11Cheap?
00:31:12No, of course not.
00:31:14Drinking double gins all evening?
00:31:16Of course not.
00:31:18It's being emotionally honest.
00:31:20What could be wrong with that?
00:31:22Besides, with a fabulous figure like you got,
00:31:25it'd be criminal to hide it away now, wouldn't it?
00:31:31I'll tell you something.
00:31:33You've got the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen.
00:31:35Have I?
00:31:37I have dreams about them.
00:31:39You don't?
00:31:40Really?
00:31:42But then there's something else, too.
00:31:44They're even better with nothing on.
00:31:47Can I have some wine, please?
00:32:10Joe, did I interrupt anything?
00:32:13oh oh oh oh oh oh darling you're fantastic
00:32:43But I haven't even got my trousers off yet.
00:32:46Oh.
00:32:48Shut up.
00:33:14What a scene that was last night.
00:33:17Makes you wonder whether it's all worthwhile, doesn't it?
00:33:20Just got to deliver this parcel. Should be fairly straightforward.
00:33:23Well, I don't think I can take any more excitement. Not for a while.
00:33:35Mrs de Villabalca. Parcel for you.
00:33:39Oh. Hmm. Bring it in, would you?
00:33:43Thank you.
00:33:51Oh, if you'd just like to pop it down over there.
00:33:54I daren't touch it, you see. It's my nails.
00:33:57It's your what, love?
00:33:59Nails. Tropical green, number three.
00:34:02Very exotic.
00:34:04The second they're dry, I'll be able to pay you,
00:34:06only I just daren't touch anything while they're like this.
00:34:09No, it's all right. You just stand there and dry off. I'm in no hurry.
00:34:12You wouldn't like a drink while you're waiting, would you?
00:34:15No, thanks. I'm driving. But thanks all the same.
00:34:17Oh, not even a cold beer, something like that?
00:34:20Well, I wouldn't mind a beer, actually.
00:34:22Oh, do help yourself.
00:34:28Actually, darling, you couldn't do me a large Campari and soda, could you, while you're there?
00:34:34Yeah.
00:34:36A large one?
00:34:38Yes, please.
00:34:41Say when.
00:34:43I never do.
00:34:49Oh, be an angel, would you, and just slip it between my lips.
00:34:53Oh, the glass. Yes, of course.
00:34:58Mmm.
00:35:00Sorry to put you to all this inconvenience.
00:35:02Don't mention it.
00:35:04It's just I always seem to get caught out when someone arrives.
00:35:07Yesterday, it was the television repairman.
00:35:09The day before, it was the plumber.
00:35:11And as for the window cleaner, well, every time he comes now, I seem to be in the bath.
00:35:16I see.
00:35:19Oh, you wouldn't be an angel, would you, and undo it for me?
00:35:23Mmm.
00:35:25It's for a dinner tonight. My husband's in cement.
00:35:28Oh, must be uncomfortable for him.
00:35:30It's a presentation dinner, you see.
00:35:32So I thought I'd wear green to go with my nail varnish.
00:35:35Very nice.
00:35:38Seems to be all right now. You're not in a rush, are you?
00:35:41It's just I'd like to try it on to make sure it fits.
00:35:45No, no, of course not.
00:35:47Oh, good.
00:35:55Chunk half this, innit?
00:35:58Must cost a packet.
00:36:00I bet she does and all.
00:36:02Make yourself at home, won't you? I shan't be long.
00:36:06What about her, then? Bit of all right?
00:36:09Shan't be long. My husband's in cement.
00:36:12Bloody hell.
00:36:25Have you lost something?
00:36:28Balls. Er...
00:36:31They fell off.
00:36:33Oh, never mind.
00:36:35You couldn't give me a hand with a zip, could you?
00:36:38It seems to be stuck and I don't want to break a nail on it.
00:36:41These birds and their zips.
00:36:44Jesus.
00:36:46It's a bit stiff.
00:36:48It won't be the only thing if she carries on like this.
00:36:51Yeah, I see what you mean. It is stuck, isn't it?
00:36:55Maybe if you pull it.
00:36:57That had crossed my mind.
00:36:59Have you done it?
00:37:01Yeah, I think so.
00:37:03Look at that. Just look at it.
00:37:05Just so typical of today's workmanship.
00:37:07That's the last dress I shall buy from there.
00:37:10Yeah, disgraceful.
00:37:12Now, what shall I do?
00:37:20Well, it was the only thing I could think of, wasn't it?
00:38:04Another satisfied customer.
00:38:06And the dress did fit, after all.
00:38:08Six pou...
00:38:10I suppose I can't really ask her to be fair now.
00:38:13Hello.
00:38:15How do you do?
00:38:17Do you work at a fair?
00:38:20Do you work at the fair?
00:38:22Yeah, I work at a fair.
00:38:24Fair.
00:38:26That's what I thought, isn't it?
00:38:28I didn't mean to bother you.
00:38:30But I thought there might be something I could help you with.
00:38:33Well, you know, I'm not sure you should be wasting your time.
00:38:36You're not going to be, are you?
00:38:38Well, I don't know.
00:38:41I can't help you.
00:38:43Promise that Nicky I'd pick her up from the club.
00:38:49Mustn't be late.
00:38:50In case she sets that snake on to me.
00:38:51This is the one, I think.
00:38:53Bye-bye, Nicky.
00:38:54Twelve beautiful girls.
00:38:55Do everything.
00:38:56Bye-bye, Nicky.
00:38:58Bye-bye, Nicky.
00:38:59Twelve beautiful girls.
00:39:00Do everything.
00:39:01All naked and they dance.
00:39:02Hey, where do you think you're going?
00:39:03Inside.
00:39:04Inside?
00:39:05Yes.
00:39:06Inside?
00:39:07Yes.
00:39:08Inside?
00:39:09Yes.
00:39:10Inside?
00:39:11Yes.
00:39:12Inside?
00:39:13Yes.
00:39:14Inside?
00:39:15Yes.
00:39:16Inside?
00:39:17Yes.
00:39:18Inside?
00:39:19Yes.
00:39:20Inside?
00:39:21Yes.
00:39:22Inside?
00:39:23Yes.
00:39:24Inside?
00:39:25Yes.
00:39:26Okay.
00:39:27Inside?
00:39:28Not without paying, no.
00:39:29I'm not going in.
00:39:30Not to see the show.
00:39:31I'm just picking up Nicky.
00:39:32That's all.
00:39:33You and a few others.
00:39:34No, honest.
00:39:35I'm a cab driver.
00:39:36Look, my cab's just outside.
00:39:37It could be anyone's.
00:39:38Look, if you think we're all going to go and admit you without paying, you've got another
00:39:42thing coming to you.
00:39:43I'm telling you, I'm only here to collect Nicky.
00:39:45I mean, do us a favour, mate.
00:39:46I'll give you my licence number if you like.
00:39:48You can check it.
00:39:49I know all the taxi drivers around here, mate.
00:39:51I don't know your face.
00:39:52That's because I don't normally do this patch.
00:39:54I'm only here to collect Nicky.
00:39:55I live in the same flat as her, see?
00:39:59Who's the one who went to bed with Monty?
00:40:02Oh, God.
00:40:05Oh, no.
00:40:06My accident, was it?
00:40:07Or did you need the help?
00:40:09Okay.
00:40:12Help.
00:40:25Oh, Nicky.
00:40:56Joe, would you mind hanging on just a minute?
00:40:58I've just got to nick back and get Monty.
00:41:00No rush.
00:41:01Okay.
00:41:26BANG!
00:41:38Okay?
00:41:39What?
00:41:40Are you coming or not?
00:41:41Well, if you're not quite ready I don't mind.
00:41:51That's Helga.
00:41:52Oh.
00:41:55You can put your eyeballs back in. I've invited her for supper tonight.
00:41:59Foreign, is she?
00:42:01No. She's a nun from Scunthorpe.
00:42:04Come on.
00:42:11It was lovely, Nicky.
00:42:13It was nothing special.
00:42:15I enjoyed it. Now what?
00:42:17I've got some yoghurt in the fridge.
00:42:20What shall we do now?
00:42:22Why don't we play a game?
00:42:24What about strip poker?
00:42:29Oh, come on. It might be fun.
00:42:31What do you say, Tom?
00:42:33No. He doesn't want to play.
00:42:36Oh, come on. Just for a giggle.
00:42:38Got any cards?
00:42:40Cards? Er... No.
00:42:42Well, how about spilling the bottle instead?
00:42:48OK.
00:42:51Well, I think I'll read my book.
00:42:55You can always play strip Ouija board if you prefer.
00:42:58Ouija board?
00:43:00Alice, spin the bottle.
00:43:54SPIN THE BOTTLE
00:44:24PHONE RINGS
00:44:27Er... I'll get it.
00:44:37Where's Joe? I came to see him.
00:44:39Oh. Er, he's not in. He's out.
00:44:41No. His taxi's here.
00:44:43It's all right. He's expecting me.
00:44:45Ask him.
00:44:54Hello. I'm Carol. Carol Hotchkiss.
00:44:57Joe's fiancée. I expect he's spoken of me.
00:45:00Which is his room? That one? Thank you, dear.
00:45:09Carol, listen. I can explain.
00:45:18It's the third house along, on the right. Number 42.
00:45:21That's you.
00:45:23Do you want a hand with those?
00:45:26Would you? Oh, thank you.
00:45:50You can just put them down here.
00:45:52I don't mind carrying them for you.
00:45:54That's very kind of you.
00:46:03I can't find my key.
00:46:05Are you sure? Perhaps it's in your bag loose.
00:46:08I'll try.
00:46:16It's not there.
00:46:18What about pockets?
00:46:20I haven't got any. What am I going to do?
00:46:23Perhaps you could go to a neighbour's till your husband gets home.
00:46:26He's away on a business trip. I can't even get hold of him.
00:46:30Don't you have a spare somewhere?
00:46:32Yes, of course. Oh, well, then.
00:46:34It's inside. I thought you might have one under a flowerpot.
00:46:38Harold. That's my husband.
00:46:40Harold's nervous about burglars getting in.
00:46:42Very well, but how do I get in?
00:46:44I could try to climb in, I suppose.
00:46:46But you have to help me. You will, won't you?
00:46:50I can't leave a lady in distress, can I?
00:46:55Let's see if there's a window open somewhere.
00:46:57Oh, there won't be one of those.
00:47:20Thank you.
00:47:50You will be careful, won't you?
00:47:52Safe as houses, darling.
00:48:05Are you all right?
00:48:07What's happened?
00:48:09Are you all right?
00:48:11Say something, please!
00:48:15What's happening up there?
00:48:18I didn't know what had happened to you.
00:48:20I called and called, but you didn't answer.
00:48:22Are you all right?
00:48:24Yeah, I think so. Look, you go down and I'll open the front door.
00:48:27I can't. I'm stuck.
00:48:29What do you mean, stuck? Just go back down the way you came.
00:48:32I can't. I'll fall. I'm frightened of heights.
00:48:35Look, it's quite simple. If you can't go down, you'd better come on up.
00:48:39I can't move. I'm scared.
00:48:41All right, then. Go back down the way you came.
00:48:44Help me.
00:48:46Help me.
00:48:48All right. Now, don't panic. You're quite safe.
00:48:50Just do as I say, OK?
00:48:52Now, put one hand on the next rung up.
00:48:54Go on, one more. Now the other one.
00:48:57Keep going. You're OK.
00:48:59I'm watching you. Up a bit.
00:49:01No, down just a little. Now in.
00:49:04Towards the wall. That's it.
00:49:06Go on. You're doing fine. Come on.
00:49:08It's all right. You're nearly there.
00:49:11That's it. Now, give me a hand.
00:49:13Lovely.
00:49:16You're doing wonderful.
00:49:18There you go.
00:49:20You're there.
00:49:22Through the window.
00:49:24Oh!
00:49:26Oh, you're all wet.
00:49:28Oh, I should have warned you.
00:49:31I'm sorry. I completely forgot.
00:49:33And of course, that's why I left the window open.
00:49:36Let the smell of paint out.
00:49:38Oh, and look at your clothes. They're covered in it.
00:49:41You have to let me wash them. You can't go out like that.
00:49:44Oh, well, that's very nice of you to offer.
00:49:46I think the least I can do is clean your clothes and give you a bath.
00:49:49Don't you?
00:49:55I do like hearing bubbly ones, don't you?
00:49:58Yeah.
00:50:00That's about right now.
00:50:04Oh, I can't wait to get in.
00:50:06Neither can I.
00:50:08Bubbles make me go all tingly all over.
00:50:10You as well?
00:50:15Oh, you look lovely.
00:50:17All tingly.
00:50:19What a way to go.
00:50:32Miriam?
00:50:44Oh, oh, oh.
00:50:46Oh, oh, oh.
00:50:50Oh, oh, oh.
00:50:52Oh, oh, oh.
00:50:54Miriam?
00:50:56Oh.
00:50:58Oh.
00:51:00Oh.
00:51:03Miriam, where are you?
00:51:05Miriam, are you in the bath?
00:51:07Ah, there you are. Didn't you hear me shouting?
00:51:10Oh, darling. What a lovely surprise.
00:51:12I wasn't expecting you.
00:51:14What a complete shambles. The whole trip.
00:51:16Oh, you poor love. Why don't you go downstairs,
00:51:18put your feet up and pour yourself out a nice, long drink,
00:51:21and I'll join you and you can tell me all about it.
00:51:23Well, there's nothing to tell.
00:51:25The entire fiasco was predictable from start to finish,
00:51:27and you know who's responsible, don't you?
00:51:30Well, I told him. I warned him.
00:51:32Yes, you did.
00:51:34You put Peters in as acting managing director
00:51:36and you've got nothing but trouble on your hands, I said.
00:51:38He can't cope with responsibility.
00:51:40He's got no initiative.
00:51:42Runs a Ford Anglia and doesn't play golf.
00:51:44You've marked my words.
00:51:46Well, I've been proved right yet again.
00:51:48That's wonderful.
00:51:50Now, why don't you just go downstairs?
00:51:52Wonderful? It's frustrating.
00:51:54Well, it's insulting.
00:51:57Oh, I quite agree.
00:51:59Now, why don't you just let me finish my bath
00:52:01and I'll be straight with you?
00:52:03Yes, I could do with a drink.
00:52:07What was that?
00:52:09Oh, it's not the plug, that's all.
00:52:11Oh.
00:52:14Oh, darling, can I get you anything?
00:52:16What?
00:52:18To drink.
00:52:21No, just go downstairs and I'll...
00:52:23Marion, is it really necessary to use all that much bubble bath?
00:52:25We only bought this last week and have already finished it.
00:52:27You really must be more careful in future.
00:52:29I can't afford extravagance of this sort.
00:52:31I mean, how you expect me to raise my housekeeping allowance
00:52:33in the face of such flagrant wastage,
00:52:35I really don't know.
00:52:38You really must put yourself together, you know.
00:52:40You're getting very careless lately.
00:52:42One do you know.
00:52:44It's all right.
00:52:49Marion, I meant to ask you,
00:52:51what on earth have you been doing in the bedroom?
00:52:53There's paint all over the place.
00:52:55It's a terrible mess.
00:52:57It's the decorators. It was meant to be a surprise.
00:52:59Surprise? I should think the only surprise I'd get
00:53:01would be the bill.
00:53:03Don't suppose you thought to get an estimate first?
00:53:05Oh, Harold!
00:53:08Never mind. Don't upset yourself.
00:53:10No, I expect you...
00:53:12You meant well, yes. Peter said...
00:53:14He meant well, I expect.
00:53:16Incompetent clodhopper, but would the board listen?
00:53:18Would they listen?
00:53:20Please, Harold, the water's getting cold.
00:53:22Joe, ah, yes, well, uh...
00:53:24Yes, but you have your bath and, um...
00:53:26Don't you worry about a thing.
00:53:28No, it was a lovely surprise.
00:53:30To find paint all over the bedroom.
00:53:33Yes, I think I do need a drink.
00:53:35It's all right now.
00:53:37It's all right now.
00:53:47I brought you a drink, darling.
00:53:49I thought you might like one.
00:53:51Oh, you mustn't stand about like that.
00:53:53Not with the window open.
00:53:55No, no, no. You'll catch your death.
00:54:05No, no, no.
00:54:35Oh.
00:55:02Sorry, mate, I'm not, um...
00:55:04I'm not an...
00:55:04Siberia's convent, Upton Road.
00:55:06Yeah, but...
00:55:20Of all the rotten luck, anyone else but a nun.
00:55:23I couldn't very well tell her to eff off now, could I?
00:55:34I wonder if I could trouble you to help me with my cases.
00:56:04Oh, I thought I heard you coming.
00:56:26It's cost me a bloody fortune in jeans, this job.
00:56:28How come?
00:56:29I keep losing them.
00:56:30Oh, by the way, your brother phoned up while you were out.
00:56:33What, Peter?
00:56:34Yeah, he said something about having a whole lot of television sets.
00:56:37Did we need one?
00:56:38Bloody hell.
00:56:39Why, what's the matter?
00:56:41Look, if he phones up again, tell him...
00:56:43I don't know, tell him I've left the country, anything.
00:56:46Why? You don't speak to him then?
00:56:48Not if I can avoid it.
00:56:49I've got enough problems in my own life without getting lumbered with him and his thieving.
00:56:53I may get into a few scrapes now and again,
00:56:55but that's one thing I've always stayed well clear of.
00:56:57Crime and all that.
00:57:03You know what this is, buddy?
00:57:20It's a gun.
00:57:26Just keep your mouth shut.
00:57:27Do as you're told and you won't get hurt.
00:57:29I said shut up and get going.
00:57:32Now, you make one wrong move and you're dead.
00:57:35Understand?
00:57:37Just stick to the driving.
00:57:39Keep your eyes on the road and you and me will get along just fine.
00:57:43Now, drive south.
00:57:45And no funny business.
00:57:47I know this town like I know my own face.
00:57:49If you ask me, we should have rung her out there and then.
00:57:51She'll get no trouble if we were stiff.
00:57:53Nobody's asking you, so shut up!
00:57:55Supposing an old man wants to talk to her?
00:57:57Ain't nobody going to pay no ransom for a stiff, dumb head.
00:58:01We've got to keep her alive to get the dough.
00:58:03Do you get it?
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:06Maybe she's already seen us, so why bother with all this stuff?
00:58:08So when we call up her old man, you want her to tell him where we stashed her?
00:58:12Oh, get it through that thick skull of yours, dumb head.
00:58:14What she don't know, she can't tell.
00:58:16Okay?
00:58:18Then we rub her out.
00:58:20Just stick to the road, pal, like I told you.
00:58:23Shut that moron up, will you?
00:58:25Do her right.
00:58:26Do her right. Now!
00:58:30Listen, birdbrain, we don't snuff her unless there's no other way.
00:58:34What if something goes wrong?
00:58:36So long as you follow orders, nothing will.
00:58:38Take the next turning on the left.
00:58:40And keep it real cool and steady.
00:58:43I am going to do something, as soon as I get the chance.
00:58:46Bit difficult with a gun pointing at my head, though.
00:58:53Okay, buddy.
00:58:55Turn left through those gates.
00:59:04Keep going.
00:59:08Further.
00:59:10That's it. Now pull up.
00:59:14Get that broad out of the cab.
00:59:16Here, give me a little rubbing mount, too.
00:59:18I mean, what's to stop him shooting his mouth off?
00:59:20Okay, buddy. Out of the cab.
00:59:23Nice and easy now.
00:59:25No sudden moves or this baby goes off.
00:59:28All right, buddy. Out of the cab.
00:59:30Keep it cool.
00:59:32Put your hands on your head.
00:59:34Now turn around. Come on, turn around.
00:59:36Now get moving.
00:59:38Turn around.
00:59:40Come on.
00:59:52Get up.
01:00:05Come on, hands against the wall.
01:00:11Come on, you can relax now.
01:00:13Look at him. He fell for it.
01:00:15I don't believe it.
01:00:17Look at his face.
01:00:19Look, I'm sorry if we scared you.
01:00:22The whole thing was a joke. Everything.
01:00:24You see, we were at this party.
01:00:27And someone suggested that we wouldn't dare try it in the street.
01:00:30And the no cabbie would believe it.
01:00:32So they bet us 20 quid to do it.
01:00:34No hard feelings?
01:00:36No hard feelings. I've been lucky.
01:00:38No hard feelings?
01:00:40No hard feelings. I've been losing fares while you've been doing all this.
01:00:47Oh, don't forget to get the paper signed.
01:00:49Oh, yes. I almost forgot about that.
01:00:51Look, we have to bring back some kind of proof that we actually did it.
01:00:54Look, do you think you'd mind signing your name to this bit of paper?
01:00:57And if you could add your cab number, that would be great.
01:01:08Thanks, mate.
01:01:39I can't stay
01:01:41Oh, you gotta
01:01:43Stay down tonight
01:01:46We're gonna have a good time
01:01:50We're gonna have a good time
01:01:54It's true
01:01:57Cause the roof is gonna get me down off this roof
01:02:01It's a lie
01:02:04I just can't live
01:02:06But I've been this guy now
01:02:09I wanna say
01:02:12To everyone here today
01:02:15It's true
01:02:18We're gonna have a good time
01:02:21We're gonna have a good time
01:02:29Hello, Maisie.
01:02:30Hello, Joe.
01:02:32Well, come on, love. Don't be nervous. I won't bite us off.
01:02:39Where to, darling?
01:02:40Oh, the usual, love.
01:02:41What, round the block?
01:02:42Yeah, that'll do. Just keep on driving. I'll give you a yell when I'm finished.
01:02:45Right.
01:02:46Here. You heard about Glenda, didn't you?
01:02:48Oh, sorry, love. Be with you in a minute.
01:02:51Glenda?
01:02:52Yeah. She married an Arab she picked up.
01:02:55I thought I hadn't seen her around.
01:02:56Yeah. An Arab. With oil wells and everything.
01:03:00Mind you, it was only a matter of time before she hooked some old geezer.
01:03:03It's funny. I'd never have thought that about her.
01:03:05What, getting married?
01:03:06Yeah.
01:03:07What, Glenda? You're joking.
01:03:08Every time she opened her mouth, a wedding bell popped out.
01:03:13So, how's business with you?
01:03:14Oh, well, it's quietened down a bit now the tourist season's over, but I don't do so bad.
01:03:20Tell you what, love.
01:03:21You get it out and start practicing, and I'll join you in a minute.
01:03:25Here, Joe.
01:03:26Could I have this one on credit?
01:03:27You know, I've just had the electricity bill in.
01:03:29Yeah, that's OK.
01:03:30Oh, you are lovely. I'll make it up next time, I promise.
01:03:34Don't worry about it. It's my pleasure.
01:03:36Tell you what, I didn't half get a flight the other week.
01:03:39I thought I'd caught a dose, didn't I?
01:03:41Oh, my. Don't worry.
01:03:44You have a very nasty cough there.
01:03:46You should get it seen to. It might be serious.
01:03:49That's the fourth one I've had this week with a cold.
01:03:51Only hope to God I don't go down with it.
01:03:53That's my trouble, you know.
01:03:55Anything that's going around, I seem to pick up.
01:03:57Yeah, I had noticed.
01:03:59Anyway, love, I can't sit here chatting all day.
01:04:01I've got to get back to work.
01:04:19Oh, my God!
01:04:27SIREN BLARES
01:04:31WHISTLING
01:04:33BEEP
01:04:54Something tells me this could be my lucky night.
01:04:56Number 24, you said?
01:04:5824, yes.
01:05:00Oh, a right little sex bomb, this one.
01:05:03I mean, you can tell from that voice, can't you?
01:05:05All husky and sexy.
01:05:07I reckon this one will need the smooth, suave, James Bond-type chatter.
01:05:11You, er...
01:05:13You in the movies, then?
01:05:15Sorry?
01:05:16No, it's just that I thought I recognised your face from somewhere.
01:05:19I'd swear I'd seen you on the telly or the pictures.
01:05:22Somewhere like that. Possibly.
01:05:24I knew it. I knew you were in show business.
01:05:27Are you famous, then?
01:05:29Well, if I was, you'd know who I am, wouldn't you?
01:05:32Yeah, well, I do, it's just that your name escapes me for the moment, that's all.
01:05:36Bunny McQueen.
01:05:38Bunny McQueen, of course!
01:05:40How could I ever forget that?
01:05:42Bunny McQueen?
01:05:44Oh, I get it, Bunny.
01:05:46Must work at that Playboy club.
01:05:48You know, one of those birds with long, floppy ears, all dressed up like rabbits.
01:05:52Oh, yeah, probably been in that Playboy magazine.
01:05:55You know, Playmate of the Month.
01:05:58I bet if I looked, I'd find a picture of you on Tom's garage wall.
01:06:02Who's Tom?
01:06:03Oh, he's a guy I live with.
01:06:05Is he nice?
01:06:06Yeah, he's all right. He's not as nice as you, though.
01:06:10She fancies me, don't she?
01:06:12Oh, I'm in here if I play me cards right.
01:06:16Make yourself at home.
01:06:24Sit down, relax.
01:06:26Well, I should sit over there, if I were you.
01:06:28It's more comfortable.
01:06:33I'll just get the wine.
01:06:37I'll just get the wine.
01:06:39I'll just get the wine.
01:06:41I'll just get the wine.
01:06:43Get the wine.
01:06:47There we are.
01:06:48Well, here we are, then.
01:06:52Have you been together long?
01:06:54What?
01:06:55This boy you live with.
01:06:56Oh, Tom? No, just a few weeks.
01:06:58Well, we've known each other for a couple of years now, but we've only been living together a short time.
01:07:02Well, he's not going to get jealous if he comes back and finds me here.
01:07:05No, he'll probably fancy you himself.
01:07:09Oh, let me.
01:07:14Ah, must need a new flint.
01:07:16Hang on, I've got some matches somewhere.
01:07:25Sorry about that.
01:07:39I think that's a really great outfit you're wearing.
01:07:41Oh, do you like it?
01:07:43I design all my own clothes.
01:07:45Yeah, well, it looks terrific.
01:07:47I suppose I shouldn't really be wearing it now.
01:07:49But after I've finished work, I just want to get away.
01:07:51I can't be bothered to change.
01:07:53Oh, no, you mustn't change. I mean, you look great as you are.
01:07:56A real turn-on, honest.
01:07:58It's a tough one, this.
01:08:00Oh, do you want me to do it?
01:08:02No, no, it's all right. Get it out in a minute.
01:08:05Come on, why don't you let me try?
01:08:07No, you'll never do it.
01:08:12Have you got the glasses ready?
01:08:14What? Oh, yeah.
01:08:19Sorry, we're a bit short on glasses.
01:08:27Well, this is very nice.
01:08:31Thank you.
01:08:33I think you're very nice.
01:08:35You, er, comfortable, are you?
01:08:38Mm, thank you.
01:08:40I think you're really something.
01:08:42Really, I do.
01:08:44I hope you won't mind if I say this, but, er,
01:08:48I think you've got the most beautifully shaped breasts I've ever seen.
01:08:51Really beautiful.
01:08:53Yes, yet they're much better now.
01:08:55Mind you, they cost me a fortune.
01:08:57So, um,
01:08:59why don't we give them a little air to breathe, eh?
01:09:06You've got lovely legs and all.
01:09:08Really lovely.
01:09:10I had to shave them, of course.
01:09:14Bloody hell!
01:09:16What's the matter?
01:09:17You! You're Othello!
01:09:19But of course I am. What did you think I was?
01:09:22I wonder if I could have him under the Trace Descriptions Act.
01:10:08Get going, Mr Fast.
01:10:10Never mind now. Just drive.
01:10:12How? How? I mean, Rob!
01:10:19Must have gone to the same party.
01:10:21Still, ten at a time, I should care. I'll play the game.
01:10:23Can't you go any faster?
01:10:25I'll do my best, but watch out for the law. I don't want to get done.
01:10:27Yeah, we'll take care of that. Just drive.
01:10:29Lift!
01:10:31Might give me some warmth, innit?
01:10:33All cars west, a robbery in Pride Street.
01:10:35Your attention is called to a black London taxi,
01:10:37believed to contain suspects.
01:10:39Riding 1505, over.
01:10:41What do we do? Stop them all?
01:10:43Turn right, just where that van is.
01:10:45Wouldn't it be easier if you told me where we're making for?
01:10:47I mean, we can have an accident at this rate.
01:10:49Look, I'm giving the orders round here, so shut up and keep driving.
01:10:52Oh, well, I suppose I've got to come on heavy,
01:10:54otherwise it wouldn't count.
01:10:56I wonder when they'll get down to the bit about doing me in.
01:10:58Not as good as the last lot.
01:11:00Ah, much more realistic, they were.
01:11:02We being followed?
01:11:06Don't think so.
01:11:08That's all right. We're going in the opposite direction.
01:11:11It's all clear. He'll drop us off at the end, here.
01:11:13Are you kidding? He's coming with us.
01:11:15We may need a hostage.
01:11:16Look, mate, why don't I just drop you here, like your mate suggested?
01:11:19Then I can sign your paper and you can be on your way.
01:11:21Paper?
01:11:22I just think it would save us all a lot of time, that's all.
01:11:24What paper? What are you talking about?
01:11:26You know, for your mates.
01:11:27I hereby declare I've done the dreadful deed and all that rubbish.
01:11:29I won't tell them I cottoned on.
01:11:31Listen, just shut up and keep driving.
01:11:34Oh, come on, now. Don't let's get carried away.
01:11:36I mean, a joke's a joke, but I keep losing business doing this lot.
01:11:38Yeah, it won't be the only thing you'll lose. You don't boat up.
01:11:41Oh, look, fair is fair, but you go too far.
01:11:43I'm not going to sign your paper. I'm warning you, so just watch your step.
01:11:45I'll see you.
01:11:46Left! Sharp left!
01:11:49Hang about. What's all this, then?
01:11:52Go right down the end of the garage. Drive right in.
01:11:55Oh, I get it. I get it.
01:11:57You will if you don't boat up.
01:11:59Bleeding Tom, innit?
01:12:01I mean, I told him about the other kidnap, and he thought...
01:12:04very funny.
01:12:23What are you doing here?
01:12:24You should know. What a bloody prank.
01:12:26Look, it's costing me money, this game.
01:12:28You know him?
01:12:29Course he bloody knows me. I live here, don't I?
01:12:31Er, what happened? Where's the car?
01:12:34Parked on a double yellow line, didn't he?
01:12:36We do the job, come rushing out with the stuff.
01:12:39There's a getaway car being done for parking.
01:12:41Had to come back by cab.
01:12:43And of all the cabs in London, you had to pick...
01:12:45Ha ha! Oh, no! Ha ha ha!
01:12:53I still say we can't trust him.
01:12:55I'm telling you, he's a mate. He's not going to shop us.
01:12:57I won't, I won't.
01:12:58And I say we shouldn't chance it.
01:12:59Look, I'm not going to say anything.
01:13:00As far as I'm concerned, it never happened.
01:13:02I don't know nothing about it.
01:13:03See? Now, I'll guarantee you. Now, don't worry.
01:13:05Don't worry?
01:13:06How much do you think I'm worth?
01:13:08Now, look, Nicky, we haven't got time for all that.
01:13:10Love, take them off, please.
01:13:11I knew I'd look good in expensive things.
01:13:13Yeah, you look lovely. Now, get them off.
01:13:15Right, well, er, if you've all finished with me,
01:13:17I think I'd better get back to work.
01:13:19Sit down. You ain't going anywhere.
01:13:21Yeah, well, I just thought...
01:13:22Well, don't.
01:13:25You expecting anyone?
01:13:26It's all right. It's not the law.
01:13:30And I thought taxi driving was a strain.
01:13:32Right, let's get this stuff away somewhere.
01:13:34It's making me nervous lying around the place.
01:13:36Yeah, where are you going to put it?
01:13:37I know a place where no-one will look. Nicky?
01:13:40Oh, I'm here, Monty.
01:13:45Christ Almighty!
01:13:47Hello.
01:13:48What are you doing here?
01:13:49You two know each other?
01:13:50Yeah, he's my brother, isn't he?
01:13:53Bloody hell, what's that?
01:13:55A hippopotamus.
01:13:57What the hell are you doing mixed up in all this?
01:13:59Well, I'm in the big time now, aren't I?
01:14:01I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.
01:14:03I was driving the getaway car, wasn't I?
01:14:05Oh, yeah. Parked in a double yellow line.
01:14:07I've done it before and never got nicked.
01:14:09So tell us what happened.
01:14:10Nothing happened. I got a bollocking.
01:14:12You lot came running out of the shop with the stuff.
01:14:14Well, the copper, he forgot about me, so I drove off.
01:14:17Yeah, we should have been with you.
01:14:19Well, it looks like you managed to pick up a cab all right, don't it?
01:14:21Little bleeder. Oh, do you?
01:14:23I saw what happened.
01:14:24Didn't know it was Joe driving it, though.
01:14:26How much did he charge you?
01:14:28I think you're very funny, don't you, eh?
01:14:30Come on, Harry, lay off.
01:14:31Yeah, well, how do we know he wasn't followed?
01:14:33Bloody amateur, coming straight back here.
01:14:35So what else was I supposed to do?
01:14:36It wasn't me that were following.
01:14:38Yeah, well, any more cheating, I'll lay one on you so hard,
01:14:40my fist will come out the back of your head.
01:14:42Take it easy, Harry, yeah?
01:14:43The kid didn't mean nothing. Just let it rest, OK?
01:14:45Yeah, trouble, isn't it?
01:14:46The kid didn't mean nothing. Just let it rest, OK?
01:14:48Trouble is, my friends, what do we do now?
01:14:50I mean, for all we know, they might have taken Joe's number.
01:14:53For all we know, they might be on the way round here right now.
01:14:56Taken my number?
01:14:57Oh, that's great, that is. That's really landed me in it.
01:15:00Tom's right. We ought to split before they get on to us.
01:15:02Yeah, we'll meet up tomorrow like we planned.
01:15:05Too late, they're here.
01:15:09Can't see anyone.
01:15:10Well, it's not ringing on its own.
01:15:12Who is it?
01:15:13If nobody makes a sound, perhaps they'll go away.
01:15:17Look, maybe you'd better go and see who it is.
01:15:20What?
01:15:21Do you want me to go?
01:15:22You stay right where you are.
01:15:23Yeah, go on.
01:15:27It's no use hiding. I know you're in there, John North.
01:15:30Bloody hell, that's all I need.
01:15:32Answer this door or I'll scream the place down.
01:15:35You let me in or I'm warning you I'll get the police to knock the door in.
01:15:39Carol, you took your time, didn't you?
01:15:42Where is he?
01:15:43Who?
01:15:44Oh, Joe.
01:15:46Who do you think I meant? Mickey Mouse?
01:15:49He's out.
01:15:51Working.
01:15:52What? When his taxi's here?
01:15:54What's he driving? Awesome cart?
01:15:56His taxi's not here. He's out, isn't it?
01:15:59Really?
01:16:00Well, I have just bumped into the tall lady from number three
01:16:03with a toy poodle and a blue rinse.
01:16:05And according to her, Joe's taxi drove into your garage ten minutes ago.
01:16:09So unless it's gone straight through your back wall, it's still here, isn't it?
01:16:14Well, you see, I wouldn't know about that because I was asleep.
01:16:20He's up there, isn't he?
01:16:22He's up there with another bloody bird!
01:16:26Joe, get rid of her.
01:16:28What am I supposed to do?
01:16:30And if I find you in a compromising position with your knickers down,
01:16:33I'll...
01:16:34Oh.
01:16:37Didn't know you had company.
01:16:39Hello, Carol.
01:16:41I just came to tell you that I've forgiven you
01:16:44for what you was doing last time I saw you.
01:16:46Oh, er, thank you.
01:16:48Yes. I've thought it over very carefully
01:16:51and I decided that what you did was a moment of weakness on your behalf.
01:16:55So I have forgiven you.
01:16:57Great.
01:16:58I thought you'd be pleased.
01:16:59Yeah, great.
01:17:01Well, aren't you going to introduce me?
01:17:06To your friends?
01:17:07Oh, yes, um, this is Peter.
01:17:10Yes, I know Peter. And Tom and that Nicky as well.
01:17:13And, um, this is, er, Jeremy.
01:17:16Jimmy, pleased to meet you.
01:17:17And, er, Rupert.
01:17:19Pleased to meet you.
01:17:20I'm Joe's fiancée, Carol Hotchkiss.
01:17:23Actually, Harry, Bernard and Jim were just about to leave.
01:17:26Er, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're going.
01:17:30Bye, Rupert.
01:17:31Nice to have met you.
01:17:35What did you say they do for a living?
01:17:36Insurance, bank computers.
01:17:41What's going on?
01:17:43What do you mean? Nothing. Why?
01:17:46Is there something I'm not supposed to know about?
01:17:49It's just that I get the impression...
01:17:52I mean, what's he doing here for a start?
01:17:54Just come to see my brother.
01:17:56You've got someone here, haven't you?
01:17:58Another woman.
01:17:59Another naked tart in the bedroom.
01:18:02Oh, for God's sake.
01:18:03Look, there's no-one here but us, that's all.
01:18:05How am I supposed to know that?
01:18:06Well, you've just got a suspicious mind.
01:18:07That's your trouble.
01:18:08You're worse than the CIA.
01:18:09You're into everything.
01:18:10If I caught you with another woman,
01:18:12Joan, also, help me, I would kill you, I would.
01:18:14Especially after I've forgiven you for your misdemeanour.
01:18:18Listen, darling, you know you're the only girl in the world
01:18:21who's ever been in a relationship.
01:18:23Misdemeanour.
01:18:24Listen, darling, you know you're the only girl in the world for me.
01:18:27It's just that I've learnt my lesson.
01:18:30Come on, let's go down to the pub and have a drink, eh?
01:18:32Do you really mean that?
01:18:34Yes, I'm thirsty, I could do with one.
01:18:35No.
01:18:36About me being the only girl in the world.
01:18:38Of course I do.
01:18:39Come on.
01:18:40Oh, well, don't push me, all right?
01:18:41I mean, the pub's aren't even open yet.
01:18:43So, we can wait.
01:18:44Which way did you want to go to?
01:18:46Just a little bit.
01:18:47Oh, all right.
01:18:49Thank God for that.
01:18:53Good day, sir.
01:18:55Madam?
01:18:56Going somewhere, were we?
01:18:58Who are you?
01:18:59Do you mind if we step inside, sir?
01:19:01What did you want?
01:19:02If you don't mind, sir.
01:19:09No, you see, we were just on our way out.
01:19:11Yes, I had noticed.
01:19:12Yes, we were waiting till the pub's opened.
01:19:14Inspector Rogers, CID.
01:19:17And this is Sergeant Jeeves.
01:19:19Afternoon, all.
01:19:20I rather thought you might be able to help us with our enquiries.
01:19:23Oh, what's been happening?
01:19:26Oi, you've got a search warrant.
01:19:28Why?
01:19:29You hiding something?
01:19:32You're with him, and you're with him.
01:19:36Right?
01:19:39So, who were you with?
01:19:41Myself.
01:19:42John, what's this all about?
01:19:44You're a bit young to be in this sort of league, aren't you?
01:19:47I didn't know there was an age limit.
01:19:49What are we supposed to be helping his enquiries with?
01:19:51Carol, love.
01:19:53It's to do with sex, isn't it?
01:19:55You've been having orgies up here, haven't you?
01:19:57That's what it is, isn't it? Orgies.
01:19:59No, ma'am.
01:20:00Well, it must be something like that.
01:20:02I mean, if Joe's anything to do with it, it must be sexy.
01:20:04You've got a one-track mind, you have.
01:20:06All right, if it's not orgies, what is it then?
01:20:08You might say it's a little treasure hunt.
01:20:12Joe, what have you got yourself mixed up with now?
01:20:14Nothing.
01:20:15I bet you have, especially if there's a woman involved.
01:20:18Listen, there's nothing up here.
01:20:20Not according to your two friends.
01:20:22We've got them outside. Picked them up a few minutes ago.
01:20:25What two friends?
01:20:26We know all about your little caper at the jewellers.
01:20:29I'm sorry, I really don't know what you're talking about.
01:20:31Why don't you just come clean?
01:20:33Your friends have.
01:20:36Found any little trinkets yet?
01:20:38Not yet, sir.
01:20:39You're not going to find anything, you know.
01:20:41We'll see. Life's full of little surprises, isn't it?
01:20:44Jesus Christ!
01:20:46I'm sorry, sir, I didn't mean to shout.
01:20:47It's just there's a bloody snake in there.
01:20:49That is Monty.
01:20:51He is my speciality and he's very highly strung.
01:20:54Please don't upset him.
01:20:55He's got a performance tonight.
01:20:57There's nothing there, sir.
01:20:58Told you.
01:20:59Yeah, I've just realised.
01:21:01You're looking for stolen property.
01:21:04Carol, why don't you belt up?
01:21:06Look at the cheek of it.
01:21:07I mean, coming in here and searching this place like we're all criminals.
01:21:10Now you, tell him, Joe. Go on, tell him.
01:21:13Carol, Carol, will you shut up, Carol?
01:21:15Go on, go on, tell him.
01:21:16Ask to see his search warrant.
01:21:18Go on, ask, ask.
01:21:19Go on, go on.
01:21:21If you don't ask, I shall never speak to you again,
01:21:23even though I have forgiven you.
01:21:26Have you got something to say then?
01:21:28Well, um, Inspector...
01:21:30Go on, go on, tell him to get out.
01:21:31Er, yes, um...
01:21:32And tell him to apologise.
01:21:33Tell him you know your rights.
01:21:35Tell him you'll sue him for liable if he don't apologise.
01:21:37She'll get me jailed for life.
01:21:39Go on, Joe, tell him.
01:21:40Joe is my fiance.
01:21:42Well, um, Inspector,
01:21:43as you don't appear to have found anything...
01:21:45That's right, really lay it on him.
01:21:47I suggest we, um, call it a day.
01:21:50Don't you?
01:21:51That's a bit pathetic, isn't it?
01:21:53Carol!
01:21:54I mean, he's just called us a bunch of criminals.
01:21:56We could sue him for that.
01:21:57Excuse me, ma'am.
01:21:58I haven't called any of you criminals.
01:22:01Yet.
01:22:02Oh, yes, you did, I heard you.
01:22:04You said we had stolen goods.
01:22:06What sort of people do you think we are,
01:22:07accusing us of being criminals?
01:22:09We are respectable, we are.
01:22:11I have never done anything criminal in my life.
01:22:13I work in a supermarket.
01:22:15Nicky.
01:22:16And as for Joe, well, he's a taxi driver.
01:22:18And Peter is, well...
01:22:20And as for Tom, well, you could hardly call him a criminal.
01:22:23He's a mechanic.
01:22:24Nicky.
01:22:25And Nicky, well, she's respectable, she's a stripper.
01:22:27Nicky.
01:22:28And so the last thing you could ever find in this place
01:22:30will be stolen property.
01:22:41No.
01:23:12Just been visiting Tom, poor bastard.
01:23:15Got five years, him and his mates.
01:23:17I thought I was going to go down myself at one point,
01:23:19but as I explained to them, I was a victim of the circumstances.
01:23:22And they let me off with a caution.
01:23:24Mind you, I think they were glad to see the back of me,
01:23:26because Carol was pestering the life out of them.
01:23:28Nicky got out of it all right.
01:23:30Probation, first offence.
01:23:32Tom's asked me to keep an eye on her for him.
01:23:34That's a favour I shan't mind doing.
01:23:36Lost me a lot of time, though, all this business with the law.
01:23:39Lost me a place to live and all.
01:23:41Guess where I've ended up.
01:23:43Nothing like home cooking, is there?
01:23:45Not like your home cooking, there isn't.
01:23:47Carol rang up, said she'd be round at six.
01:23:50You were taking her out.
01:23:52Oh, yeah, that's really lumbered me in it, that is.
01:23:54I suppose the only good thing that's come out of this is you.
01:23:57Getting off on probation.
01:23:58Really shook you up, that bust with the law.
01:24:00Good thing, too, turned over a new leaf, you have.
01:24:02You still eat anything that lies still on the plate, though, don't you?
01:24:05So, you've learnt your lesson.
01:24:07I'm glad to see it.
01:24:08I'm glad to see it.
01:24:09Good to see you going straight.
01:24:11Oh, I'm off.
01:24:12Where's me fares book?
01:24:17Bloody hell!
01:24:18Here.
01:24:19Don't you bloody swear in front of the baby.
01:24:22Teachers are bad habits.
01:24:39First, I'd like to test your driving skills.
01:24:44I'm taking my cruise in Casanova.
01:24:49Click your fingers and I'll be over there.
01:24:53Soothing your head, soothing your cares.
01:24:58Hello, darling.
01:24:59Which bridge do you want this time?
01:25:01Post Office Tower, please.
01:25:04Stop the clock and work in overtime.
01:25:08My cruise in Casanova will be my man.
01:25:12I'm a taxi driver.
01:25:14My man's a taxi driver.
01:25:18My man's a taxi driver.
01:25:20Won't you be my cruise in Casanova?
01:25:25Click your fingers and I'll be over there.
01:25:29Soothing your head, soothing your cares.
01:25:33No way, there's no refusing.
01:25:37Casanova.
01:25:39Stop the clock and work in overtime.
01:25:43Cruise in Casanova, be mine.
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