First broadcast 27th May 2021.
Lucy has organised a birthday surprise for Jon - entering him into a The Masked Singer event.
Lucy Beaumont ... Lucy
Jon Richardson ... Jon
Rob Beckett ... Rob Beckett
Craig Charles ... Craig Charles
Johnny Vegas ... Johnny Vegas
Michele Austin ... Dani Julian
Rosina Carbone ... Rosina Carbone
Elinor Dixon ... Elinor Dixon
Sarah Parks ... Sarah Parks / Margaret
Damion Priestley ... Neighbour
Emma Priestley ... Neighbour
Thomas Priestley
Elsie Richardson ... Self
Matt Bell ... Splinter
Callum Taylor ... The Dog
Lucy has organised a birthday surprise for Jon - entering him into a The Masked Singer event.
Lucy Beaumont ... Lucy
Jon Richardson ... Jon
Rob Beckett ... Rob Beckett
Craig Charles ... Craig Charles
Johnny Vegas ... Johnny Vegas
Michele Austin ... Dani Julian
Rosina Carbone ... Rosina Carbone
Elinor Dixon ... Elinor Dixon
Sarah Parks ... Sarah Parks / Margaret
Damion Priestley ... Neighbour
Emma Priestley ... Neighbour
Thomas Priestley
Elsie Richardson ... Self
Matt Bell ... Splinter
Callum Taylor ... The Dog
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00It is an interesting thing because when we first met, my aim was to make John like himself
00:10and now I've got to know him and I think, no, I don't like you either.
00:14He's a twat.
00:15Please welcome John Richardson.
00:19John Richardson is Britain's third favourite funny man, known for his hilarious panel show
00:24appearances.
00:25Fat greedy shit.
00:26Sell out nationwide tours.
00:29Mashed potato.
00:30And doing his funny anagrams on Countdown.
00:33Why have we got a kicking cur and a curly cur?
00:34We haven't got a sexy s and a spicy s, have we?
00:37Four years ago, John married me, I'm comedian Lucy Beaumont.
00:41Mamma mia.
00:42Mamma mia.
00:43And that's telling your mother you've arrived.
00:47Three years ago, we had our daughter, Elsie, and we decided to move to the countryside,
00:52to the calm of rural Hebden Bridge.
00:54Fucking Jesus.
00:56Against my better judgement, this programme follows our lives.
00:59I don't actually want this lawyer, but marriage is about compromise, isn't it?
01:04Coming up...
01:05It's John's birthday and I've organised a really great surprise for him.
01:08I think it's natural after your fucking birthday present to want to go and throw something
01:12sharp at a wall.
01:14It's the big day for Lucy's sitcom.
01:16You give me stools a good buffering.
01:18Genius.
01:19And things are going to change for the Richardsons because we're moving to London.
01:23I think that's when our sex life will improve because I think I've been stilted a bit here
01:27and I haven't felt very sexual.
01:31Meet the Richardsons.
01:32Cheese!
01:33Where are we looking?
01:34Down the lens.
01:35Oh, down the lens, sorry.
01:36Cheese!
01:37It was a sad day, the last ever Beaumont and Beckett show.
01:46Rob's just got too busy with all his TV work, he's ever so popular.
01:50Hello, you are listening to the Beaumont and Beckett show on BBC Radio 2 with Lucy Beaumont.
01:57Oh, Rob, I have had the best time.
02:00Thank you for believing in me.
02:01Oh, no, I mean, you've been incredible, the perfect radio host.
02:05You have had me in stitches.
02:07Oh, same.
02:08Feelings mutual.
02:09It's a good job the Caesarean's closed up properly.
02:11You've also got a surprise for John, is that right?
02:13I have, yeah.
02:14I shouldn't say too much about it, but it is his birthday coming up and it's not even his...
02:18Big 50.
02:19This is unbelievable.
02:20Does he like surprises?
02:21No, of course he doesn't.
02:22No.
02:23He hates them.
02:24So what are you doing with them?
02:25I like them.
02:26OK, that makes sense.
02:27He'll get into the swing of it.
02:28It's all about putting him in situations, isn't it?
02:29And letting him enjoy it.
02:30I have organised an epic surprise for you that I am very proud of myself, I must admit.
02:37Can I say no, I don't want it?
02:38The only thing you cannot say is you don't want it, because you will want it and you'll
02:43enjoy it.
02:44So the topic is happiness.
02:46Let's speak to our first caller.
02:47What's your name, mate?
02:48Hello there.
02:50Hello there.
02:51My name's John Richardson and I'm the happiest man in Hebden Bridge.
02:54Thanks for calling in, John.
02:57Well, I just decided to phone up and congratulate you both on some fantastic shows and compliment
03:02you on your chemistry, which brings joy to literally hundreds of people.
03:09It's nearly a compliment there, John.
03:10Yeah.
03:11Well, I'm a nice guy.
03:12I'm just trying to be nice.
03:13And I think nice guys deserve treats.
03:16And I think as a treat for being nice, perhaps, Lucy, you could tell me what you've got planned
03:20for my birthday so I'm not anxious for the next God knows how long.
03:23Well, it's a surprise, John.
03:25Don't you enjoy a surprise?
03:27Tell you what, then.
03:28If you love surprises, here's a little surprise for you.
03:31I actually think it's a complete pile of s***.
03:35OK, sorry to listeners there.
03:38Absolute dickhead.
03:39Unbelievable.
03:40That didn't be nice.
03:41I'm really sorry about your life.
03:44This is Beaumont and Beckett on BBC Radio 2.
03:48There's good news and bad news.
03:50OK, tell me the bad news first.
03:52The Jake Thackeray doc.
03:54Sally beat you to it.
03:55I caught it on BBC 4.
03:56It's really good.
03:57I, Sally Phillips, would like to reintroduce you to Yorkshire's least well-known Catholic
04:03alcoholic poet.
04:04You bastard.
04:05I remember him when I was a kid.
04:07I don't know.
04:08I didn't watch it.
04:09I mean, there hasn't been one for like 30 years.
04:11Yeah, surely there's room for two documentaries about Jake Thackeray on TV.
04:14Evidently not.
04:16Stop It and Tidy Up?
04:17Yes.
04:18I really liked the little cartoon John.
04:20Hello, my name's John.
04:23What are your thoughts?
04:24S***.
04:25CBeebies are going with Matt Lucas and a squad of baked potatoes.
04:28Baked potato changed my life.
04:31But you've still got your wet cloth, dry cloth.
04:34Christ, if that's good news, then we're in for it.
04:36Jessica Knappett is playing The Rock's wife in the new Marvel movie.
04:40Lucy from Hull can be Lucy from Hull.
04:43Well, I suppose that's good news if you want my marriage and my career to implode at the same time.
04:47And you've got the tour.
04:49John, you could be in training for Strictly by now.
04:53Oh, God.
04:54Yes, well, there's always that, isn't there?
04:59We're moving to London and I'm having to give up the love of my life, the dog and bastard.
05:04At least Lucy's happy about the move.
05:06I feel like I'm on the verge of something special and I feel excited.
05:12I feel alive.
05:13You know, we're not moving to like a war zone.
05:15I'm not being an arsehole.
05:16London's a fine place.
05:17There's lots to do.
05:18I can see my mates more.
05:20I can go to shows.
05:22And yet he's still not happy about it.
05:25Phantom's gone because of bloody Covid.
05:28No more Phantom of the Opera.
05:29My favourite musical is...
05:32You all know this.
05:33Say it.
05:34Aspects of Love.
05:35Phantom of the Opera.
05:36Phantom of the Opera.
05:39It's a story that speaks to me cos it's about a man
05:42who isn't attractive on the outside but he has a gift
05:45and he's in love with a woman and then by the end of the musical
05:49he kills a load of people and then escapes.
05:52You'd think they'd let shows with masks on, wouldn't you?
05:55Yeah, he weren't wearing it right, though, was he?
05:57I've seen people in Tesco walking around like that.
05:59Supposed to go over your mouth and nose,
06:01not your bloody left eye and your nostril, mate.
06:03Christ.
06:06Go, girl!
06:07Talking of masks, one of the biggest TV shows of the year
06:10is The Masked Singer.
06:12You have to guess which celebrity is in disguise.
06:16It's given me a really good idea for John's birthday present.
06:19It's The Masked Singer of Myron Royd.
06:22Cos I thought all the proceeds could go to flood aid.
06:25Earlier in the year, Hebden Bridge got flooded all over again.
06:28Spending millions of pounds on these new bridges and flood defences
06:32and not tackling the issue of why the water is all coming down so quickly.
06:35I know, I know, John.
06:36But then again, I'm not really qualified to talk on these matters
06:39cos I haven't got a degree, so I'm better off saying...
06:41Hey, when it rains, everything gets wet.
06:44Have you seen snow? It's like rain, but it's hard.
06:49It lands on you, but it hits you like a stick.
06:52Doesn't splash on you like a drink.
06:55Doesn't John hate parties?
06:57No. Why would he hate it?
07:00Fire!
07:02I just won't invite children.
07:05Before we move out, we really need to tell Emma and Damien.
07:08Lucy's not been able to do it.
07:10You're moving out?
07:11No, no, no.
07:14When I go to tell her, she just looks at me.
07:16You're like my sister, really.
07:18So now it's down to me.
07:19Day?
07:20I'm going round to tell our neighbour Damien that we're moving house.
07:24They might get angry.
07:25They've never got angry about anything.
07:27I could put a brick through their window and they wouldn't get angry about it.
07:30We were thinking of opening that up anyway.
07:32It's nice to have a breeze.
07:33I like the sound of the glass when you walk on it.
07:35I wondered why the kitchen were wet,
07:37and I didn't realise you'd pissed through a letterbox.
07:39But I guess you needed a piss.
07:41Well, he takes it out on his pictures, don't he?
07:43His paintings, he does.
07:45Did you do these?
07:46Yeah.
07:47All of them?
07:50He's screaming on the inside.
07:51Can you spot anybody?
07:53George Michael?
07:54You?
07:55Wow.
07:56That one?
07:57Jesus?
07:58You?
07:59Right.
08:00That one?
08:01Chiellini, the Italian centre-half.
08:04You?
08:05They're all me, are they?
08:06And what they are, because we feel as though we're family,
08:11these are portraits that we're going to keep in house and put them up.
08:16There's Lucy there.
08:18There she is.
08:19Wowzer.
08:20She's looking well.
08:21She is looking well.
08:22I was coming to say something, and I'll level with you.
08:30I can't remember what it was.
08:32Oh, I'm annoyed that I didn't tell him.
08:35I really struggle with men crying.
08:38I don't know what it is, it's some working class,
08:41you don't hug your dad.
08:43What are you hugging your dad for?
08:44Are you gay?
08:45That's the environment I grew up in.
08:47Do you want to shag your dad?
08:48I went to kiss my grandad once.
08:49I would have only been about seven or eight,
08:51but I'd had clearly what my grandad viewed as a landmark birthday.
08:54And I went to say goodbye, and I kissed my Nana Gwen,
08:56and I went to kiss my grandad Ron.
08:58And grandad Ron said,
08:59you're a man now, you don't kiss men any more.
09:01And I remember thinking as like an eight-year-old
09:03that there must be something wrong with me,
09:05because I was trying to get off with my grandad.
09:07And I thought, why did I not know that thing,
09:09that eight-year-olds don't kiss grandads?
09:11Can I just say, this sounds like therapy,
09:13so you actually need to pay me.
09:14I do pay you frequently.
09:16Who do you think paid for those biscuits, you?
09:18A hotel, by the looks of them.
09:20Well, actually, they did come free with the coffee,
09:22but I paid for the coffee.
09:23Can I have one to show Lucy?
09:25Which one do you want?
09:26I'll take the Yorkshire Ripper, yeah.
09:30I just feel like if I put that up in our house,
09:32it saves you having to explain it to anyone else.
09:35But I'm touched by that.
09:37See you later, fella.
09:38It's very hard to break bad news
09:40to anyone who's done a painting of you.
09:42Well, I think it was bloody weird.
09:44Frightening.
09:45And where am I going to put it?
09:48Today, me and John are off to Salford.
09:50Have you got so much stuff?
09:54What do you mean?
09:55Well, look, me, you.
09:57Well, it's everything I need's in there,
09:59and it pisses you off, so...
10:01What's your technique?
10:03Ram it all in.
10:04Talking about packing?
10:06Are you talking to me?
10:08I panic.
10:09I do my packing the way I, like, pack to go on holiday,
10:13or the way I load the dishwasher.
10:16I just ram it all in and hope for the best.
10:18I just get it done.
10:20Everything's, you know...
10:21We moved around a lot as a kid,
10:23sometimes in the middle of the night.
10:26Finally, the day's here.
10:27The recording of my BBC sitcom, Wet Cloth, Dry Cloth.
10:31Director Johnny Vegas didn't think I was right
10:33to play Lucy from Hull.
10:35Two words, Jessica Knappett.
10:37But now she's dropped out.
10:38We've lost Jessica Knappett.
10:40That's a shame.
10:41I will get to play Lucy from Hull.
10:43Now, like a...
10:46Sphinx.
10:47What is it that rises through the ashes?
10:49A phoenix.
10:50Like a phoenix through the flames and back.
10:53British comedy is alive again.
10:56Of course, Lucy from Hull was always going to be played by Lucy.
11:00But I've got to make a oney.
11:02It's part of my genius as a director.
11:04Ernie.
11:05I hope Johnny isn't too...
11:10..Johnny today.
11:12Fucking Jesus.
11:14I always feel threatened by Johnny Vegas
11:16because there is something very alluring about Johnny.
11:19Your mum's had sex with Johnny Vegas.
11:21And you can't put your finger on it.
11:23There's a magnetism that Johnny has that John doesn't.
11:27Get yourself an angry boot and you'll find out, won't you?
11:30And try making a fucking mess now, will you?
11:35I don't think he likes me.
11:37Say it like you mean it.
11:38I think he's just taking it really seriously.
11:41Shithead.
11:45Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...
11:48Are you looking forward to your birthday, John?
11:50Sarah.
11:51What don't I know? Nothing.
11:53I just want a quiet birthday.
11:55I've had a stressful week.
11:56What are you getting?
12:05Oh!
12:07Trapped me finger.
12:10You've only got tiny parts of sausage-fingered-sized hands,
12:13The powers that be
12:15have sabotaged real working-class humour.
12:19You know, people that I don't even think they like comedy
12:22and they're in a little London-centric bubble.
12:24Let's not pretend there's any subtext.
12:27There's nothing beneath.
12:29There's no, like, this is actually a comment
12:31on the class system of this country.
12:34Fuck you, Thatcher!
12:36Where's the chunky chicky?
12:38Wet cloth, dry cloth is a modern classic.
12:41It does something very important, which is this understanding
12:44that under humour and popular discourse
12:48lies a great well of feeling, really, but also of truth.
12:53There's bedroom tax in there, working tax credits.
12:57There's everything in there.
12:59Climate change.
13:01Where?
13:02Do you think the dumbbells smell like scampi?
13:05Someone says something that sounds like a penis
13:08and the other person goes,
13:10Ooh, do you mean a penis?
13:12And then they go, Not a penis!
13:14And we all go, Oh, he meant a Venus.
13:16Oh, heck, Margaret, save it for bingo.
13:19Our family's had a harder life than your family.
13:21I mean, it's only recently people stopped having gangrene in my family.
13:25My nana had both her legs chopped off
13:28and she was glad she said there was getting in the way.
13:31I thought I'd have to have my foot off for gangrene,
13:33but here it is, alive and kicking.
13:36The worst thing that happened all day
13:38was when Johnny Vegas' braces flew off.
13:40You set? Yeah.
13:44Margaret, you're on the filing cabinet.
13:46What? Not for the first time.
13:49Bobby, can you handle the desks?
13:51I'm on it, boss!
13:53Lucy, you give me stools a good buffering.
14:02Genius.
14:03And that word is banded about too much.
14:05Strictly top drawer.
14:08Who said the studio sitcom's dead?
14:10Yeah.
14:11Right, I've decided I'll do Strictly.
14:21In part one, I failed once again
14:23to tell Emma and Damien that we're moving to London.
14:26I was coming to say something.
14:29I can't remember what it was.
14:31Emma says the Masked Singer of Myvonroyd
14:33is a birthday surprise for John.
14:35I just haven't told him yet.
14:36Does he like surprises? No, of course he doesn't.
14:38No. He hates them.
14:40And I've realised being in Lucy's sitcom
14:42might be the end of my career.
14:44Right, I've decided I'll do Strictly.
14:46Sorry, darling, Beckett's just taken the last slot.
14:50Bollocks. There's always next year.
14:52There are two certainties in any British comedian's life.
14:56Death and Strictly.
15:00And as usual, the miserable bugger isn't happy.
15:03I don't really like my birthday.
15:05Why?
15:06Because everyone just looks at you all day.
15:08Birthdays should be illegal after about 18.
15:11When you get a thing like,
15:13now you can shag or now you can buy booze,
15:17and then odd shit ones when it's like,
15:19now you can hire a transit van.
15:21You didn't make enough fuss of my birthday.
15:23I don't...
15:25I did. You did.
15:27A week before your birthday, I gave you my credit card and said,
15:30go round town and buy whatever you want.
15:32I couldn't find anything and I thought, well, it'll have got me something.
15:35Or it'll have definitely got me... A DVD?
15:37A DVD from the supermarket.
15:39You said... What DVD was it?
15:41Parasite.
15:46Happy birthday to you.
15:51Woo-hoo!
15:53Thanks, mate. This looks nice.
15:55You're just a 40 now, John.
15:57I am, ticked off cos I had to cover my bald spot.
16:00Aw!
16:02Suits you.
16:03Right, so that one first.
16:06It's a mug?
16:07Yeah.
16:08That's funny, isn't it?
16:09Cos you haven't got a lot of them, have you?
16:11I always have more mugs.
16:12That's my mug, that's my mug, that's Elsie's mug.
16:14So you shouldn't have been using any of these, really.
16:17Ah, yes!
16:19Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat.
16:21Next one.
16:22Hot water bottle?
16:24Is it a hottie-bottie?
16:26Yay!
16:27Hottie-bottie!
16:30Lovely.
16:31This is the big one.
16:34It's going to be...
16:36It's the face of a haggard old man.
16:39It's a vampire.
16:41Why have you got me that?
16:43Oh, God, it's really freaky.
16:46John Richardson, you are going to be a vampire
16:50in The Masked Singer of Myronroyd.
16:54It's all going to be for charity.
16:56We're going to raise money for Flooded.
16:58Surprise party plus a live event.
17:01Are you taking the piss?
17:03No.
17:04Have you met me?
17:05This is going to be one of those days
17:07that when we're old, we'll look back and you'll see.
17:10That's why we got divorced.
17:11I'm reeling.
17:13I'm just so excited. I'm on cloud nine.
17:15I'm more excited than when I got married
17:18because there was an element of dread to that as well.
17:22I'm releasing some rage.
17:24My birthday present has just been given to me
17:27and I think it's natural after your fucking birthday present
17:30to want to go and throw something sharp at a wall.
17:34Fucking bottle bags.
17:36What do you want for your birthday?
17:38I'd like to dress up like a tit
17:39and sing in front of strangers at the fucking community centre.
17:44I had to go to the community centre
17:46to check out my birthday present,
17:48slash charity gig, slash pain in the arse.
17:51I don't know what it's supposed to be.
17:53I mean, I've seen them, I've seen them on ITV.
17:55It's fairly high-end prosthetics.
18:01I don't remember the episode where three of them
18:03are all fucking Pac-Man and one of them comes out
18:05looking like he's got something shoved up his arse.
18:08I must have missed that episode.
18:10BUZZER
18:12Can you believe I've pulled this off?
18:15Yes.
18:16You've used my name to film my haemorrhoid community centre
18:19without sounding like a big head.
18:21That seems like an achievable thing for you to have pulled off.
18:24Ha!
18:25He's really negative, isn't he?
18:27I've organised this for the flood charity
18:29and the surprise guests are really big names.
18:32I've managed to get my radio co-host Rob Beckett.
18:36You are listening to the Beaumont and Beckett show
18:39with me, Rob Beckett.
18:40And me, Lucy Beaumont.
18:42And the man who was buying our house, Craig Charles, to take part.
18:45A genuine 70s pub in your own back garden?
18:48Ah!
18:49You're the first person who's liked it.
18:51And they're both really into it.
18:53Can you remind me, please, please remind me why I'm doing this?
18:57I don't know why you're doing this, I don't want to be here.
18:59I don't know why any of us are here.
19:01It's for charity.
19:02How flooded does it get?
19:04Woo-hoo!
19:06Like Donnie Darko.
19:08Can you tell it's me?
19:09So, ladies and gentlemen,
19:11our first act of the evening, The Rabbit.
19:15CHEERING
19:20It was going really well, but I did organise it by myself,
19:23so there were a couple of small problems.
19:25Jon, what did you think you were singing?
19:28Night Time from Phantom Of The Opera.
19:30They don't know that.
19:32They don't know that. They're an indie band.
19:34Can You Sing Sit Down by James?
19:36I mean, when I say can you, I mean you're singing Sit Down by James.
19:46Any happiness I have, he crushes.
19:50Or anything where he should give me some sort of positive reaction,
19:55he doesn't, he won't do.
19:58It sounded a bit fun. Just a bit of fun, though, innit?
20:01It doesn't sound massively fun, does it?
20:03Do you know what's fun?
20:04Being in the pub with your mates, having a beer,
20:06and there's football on.
20:08Look at Rob and Craig.
20:10Look at what they're having to wear.
20:11They're not complaining, are they?
20:13They don't know what they're singing.
20:14I bet they've got their songs, haven't they?
20:16Oh, the band happened to know the fucking obscure indie track.
20:19I couldn't tell you, could I?
20:21I mean, I appreciate, Rob, that whenever we see each other,
20:23I happen to have just been fucked over
20:25and you have the impression that I'm a grumpy man.
20:27You then go away and live your life, which is fun.
20:30This is every day for me.
20:32I just feel a bit uncomfortable now.
20:34Pathetic little man.
20:36Can you just grow a pair and enjoy it? Thank you.
20:42Our next act for this evening, a vampire.
20:48He looks a bit pissed off.
20:52Please put your hands together and welcome him to the stage.
20:55APPLAUSE
21:01Oh, sit down, oh, sit down, oh, sit down
21:05Sit down next to me
21:08It was going great.
21:09Everyone was enjoying the music in the free bar.
21:11Some more than others.
21:14Red, red, red
21:21And then it was time for the big unmasking.
21:25So who do you think the rabbit is?
21:30Shall we find out?
21:32Drink it up, drink it up, drink it up, drink it up, drink it up
21:37CHEERING
21:41You've got a wonderful voice.
21:46It's hard to tell when you can see four of me, innit?
21:50Safe drive home.
21:53Next time there's a flood, get her to drink it.
21:55Pour a bit of Drambu in.
21:57I've never had a charity gig been heckled that much before.
22:00Sort of a bit of a lack of respect, really.
22:02I went in quite hard, didn't I?
22:04Do I regret it? No.
22:06Drink it up, drink it up, drink it up, drink it up, drink it up
22:11CHEERING
22:15How do you feel, TV John Richardson?
22:18I feel very hot.
22:20At these events, you're supposed to say,
22:22do you know what, I didn't think I was going to enjoy it.
22:24And actually, I really did. I fucking hated it.
22:27Drink it up, drink it up, drink it up, drink it up, drink it up
22:31I thought I was going to turn into a chocolate puddle.
22:34I really did.
22:39Can I just make an announcement?
22:41You'll be seeing a lot more of me because I'm going to be your neighbour
22:44because I've just bought John and Lucy's house.
22:48So if you see me in the street, come and say hello.
22:50Don't be strangers. Cheers.
22:51People like you have never graced the stage
22:53at Live and Roid Community Centre before.
22:55No, no. You know what, I think once would be enough.
23:00I'm so sorry.
23:02You shouldn't have found out like this.
23:04We tried to tell you so many times and then every time we came round
23:07Lucy would get upset or, you know, you were being sort of nice
23:10and you were showing us videos of Elsie and we thought we can't tell you now.
23:12Five times I tried to tell you.
23:14I promise we'll come and visit.
23:15So when's Craig Charles moving in?
23:19When we leave, basically.
23:21We love Craig Charles and Red Dwarf is just the favourite,
23:25best programme ever. Love it.
23:27Goose Goose!
23:28Have you heard of Goose Goose?
23:29No.
23:30Just say it in front of the camera. Goose Goose.
23:32One, two, three. Goose Goose.
23:35John walked in here looking like he was going to go to work experience
23:38and he's going to leave here looking like John Bon Jovi
23:42without the bad skin because he doesn't eat dairy.
23:46What are you doing? What are you doing?
23:48Argh!
23:51I want your blood.
23:56Moving day had arrived and it was time to say goodbye
23:59to Elsie's childhood home.
24:01This is the house you won't remember.
24:03They'll say, do you remember that house?
24:05And she'll say, no, stop talking about it.
24:08But she won't even say that, she'll go,
24:10fuck off, Dad.
24:11I'm going down the rec centre with all my mates.
24:14She will not talk like that.
24:15Do you know how the kids are doing now?
24:17They sniff this gas and then they have some whelk juice
24:20and then you feel like all fucked up now.
24:22She's going to talk like this.
24:24And Mummy, Daddy, do you remember when we did a pantomime there
24:27with Jason Donovan?
24:31And when you got your monkey set on fire.
24:33ALL GASP
24:35Mummy!
24:36Yeah.
24:37All great memories, luckily, caught on camera
24:41so we can enjoy them repeatedly.
24:43We're not taking these pricks with us, are we, to the new place?
24:46No.
24:47Come on, we need to get out of here.
24:49Have you enjoyed having us here?
24:52I'll defer to my colleague on that one.
24:54It's meant more to me than him,
24:57because you know he doesn't like people, things, joy, happiness,
25:03whereas you have been my lifeline.
25:06You've been my safety blanket.
25:09Just when I thought I can't carry on any more,
25:12you came into my life.
25:14Do you know what you've done?
25:16You've drowned out the sorrow.
25:18John, what's your seven?
25:19Unloved.
25:20Aw.
25:23I think that's when our sex life will improve,
25:26because I think I've been stilted a bit here
25:28and I haven't felt very sexual.
25:30And I think going back to London will make me feel like, you know,
25:34a woman with a career and that I'm doing things
25:37and I think it'll kick-start stuff for us.
25:39Mm-hm.
25:41We'll be going out more, won't we?
25:43We'll be going to theatres and opera.
25:46Oh, yeah, opera makes you horny, doesn't it?
25:51Is this your dog box?
25:52We haven't got a dog.
25:54Well, it must be someone else's box of dog eat garden, then.
26:00Christ's sake, is he all right to drive?
26:03You know what that is, don't you?
26:05That's Ghost Dog.
26:06I recently paid £100 to an exorcist to not get rid of a ghost dog.
26:11You don't really need to get rid of him.
26:13He's not causing you any harm. No.
26:15He's such a lovely dog.
26:16Vulnerable people who are looking for answers
26:19for things that they need in this world
26:21sometimes reach out to the idea.
26:23I did not want a boxer dog to get in bed with me.
26:25Far from it.
26:26Ghost Dog is a boxer dog.
26:28Oh, my God, can you feel that?
26:30Can you feel how cold it's gotten here?
26:32It may also be a real boxer dog.
26:34Have you got tingles down your spine?
26:36Oh, for Christ's sake.
26:38How weird is that?
26:41It's the end of an era.
26:43We've decided to leave.
26:44And I've decided something else needs to change as well.
26:48Our sex life.
26:49In the new house, we should do it.
26:52You say that now, but when we get there, you won't want to do it.
26:55I think we should do it.
26:58If you say we're doing it, we're doing it.
27:00It's my role to make you happy in life.
27:02And if you say we're doing it, we're doing it.
27:04We're doing it.
27:05I'm going to do it.
27:07Let's go.
27:09I'm doing it.
27:11Bye-bye.
27:13Bye-bye, house.
27:15House?
27:46I won't run amok when the females chuck confetti in my ears.
27:51And cross my heart, love, I'll keep up the feeling.