deaddogsmoking
  • 5 months ago
First broadcast 24th March 2022.

Lucy jets off to LA to launch her Hollywood career - leaving Jon on his own with a plan to prank his best mate Matt Forde - and a potentially career-defining audition with a genuine TV legend.

Lucy Beaumont ... Lucy
Jon Richardson ... Jon
Jed Mercurio ... Jed Mercurio
Matt Forde ... Matt Forde
Russell Kane ... Russell Kane
Jessica Knappett ... Jessica Knappett
Johnny Vegas ... Johnny Vegas
Gill Adams ... Lucy's Mum
Michele Austin ... Dani Julian
Morgan Bailey
Ali Mylon
Tom Nunez
Damion Priestley ... Neighbour
Charlotte Pyke
Elsie Richardson ... Elsie

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00I don't like erotic literature. No need for it. I don't like eroticism anyway. Literature,
00:10television, film, radio. You don't get so much of it on the radio. Don't get it on
00:16the arches, do you? Fucking hell. That is a micro-aggression. Hostile.
00:23Part of why we had to move...
00:24And then she just moves on.
00:26Part of why...
00:28Sorry, carry on.
00:29In tonight's episode, while I'm away, John has Matt Ford around to play golf.
00:35Come on!
00:37Lucy's mum and Johnny Vegas resume their activities.
00:40Please stop.
00:41And John has an audition with a TV legend.
00:46Line of duty, initial interview with John Richardson.
00:52Where are we looking? Which one?
00:54Cheese. Cheese.
00:57My new agent's been brilliant. She got me on Pointless.
01:01She got me on House of Games.
01:03Yes, Lucy?
01:04It's stingy. You know.
01:06And now she's got me the biggest break of all.
01:09Two letters, Lucy.
01:10L-A.
01:11Do you know what they love in LA?
01:12What?
01:13Funny women.
01:13That's where I belong.
01:15You're trading Rolf Harris for Harvey Weinstein. That's all you're doing.
01:19The American mentality is they're yes people.
01:22Yeah, can I get a gun and shoot a load of people? Yes.
01:25They think big.
01:26Yeah, can I blow up a building? Yes.
01:29So Lucy's off to LA for the week.
01:30And because I'm a good man, I'm driving her to the airport.
01:33Which of our houses that we've lived in since we knew each other
01:38do you miss the most?
01:39I really liked doing a poo in that little toilet that we had
01:43in Severton where there was...
01:44Off the kitchen?
01:45Downstairs, yeah.
01:46Do you like to shit just off the kitchen?
01:47Well, because the floor was heated.
01:48Heated floor, yeah.
01:50So it just felt like, you know, being in a womb.
01:53Being in a womb made you want to have a shit.
01:55Yeah.
01:56There's so much for you and your mum to unpack at therapy.
01:58I just always think it's funny when people talk about how calm in the womb was.
02:02I always want to say, do you know the womb I was in?
02:05Have you seen my mam?
02:07Panic womb.
02:08Panic womb.
02:10That's good, that, John.
02:12You should be a comedian.
02:13When we go through security, I get a bit nervous,
02:16even though I know I haven't put, like, drugs in.
02:20When they ask me, has someone packed your bag?
02:22Sometimes I'll go, they might have.
02:25So that's when they'll go through all my bags and stuff.
02:27And I'm convinced I'm like a mule without knowing it.
02:30Someone's put coke up my arse.
02:32I've only gone for a shit.
02:33I've come out with, like, four kilos of me.
02:36Yeah.
02:36So I walk through security like that, waiting for it to go off.
02:40You know when you go under it like that?
02:41And then they go, is everything all right, sir?
02:43And I go, yeah, I made it.
02:44Do you want to step this way?
02:46Dish.
02:47With Lucy on her way to LA, let's start the show again.
02:50Just me this week.
02:51Meet the Richardson.
02:54Morning.
02:59Ominous, isn't it?
03:00Feels like she's dead.
03:01She's not dead.
03:02She's just having a better time.
03:03She's in LA.
03:04I say she's in LA.
03:06She could be anywhere.
03:07I watched her House of Games.
03:08I mean, her grasp of geography.
03:10She could be around the corner in Sheffield.
03:11I thought, well, where would I host Live Aid?
03:14And I would host it in California.
03:16So that's where you've gone?
03:17Then I've gone a bit too high.
03:18Gone up into the Portland area.
03:20What does that mean for you while Lucy's away?
03:21Get to finish a sentence.
03:23I've never got to the end of a sentence before.
03:25I might like it.
03:25John's up for a part in the next line of duty.
03:28How about these bad boys?
03:29AC-12.
03:31You want me to call you a nonce?
03:33Yes, please.
03:34What's a nonce, Eddie?
03:35But he's not been taking it that seriously.
03:38Get in there.
03:41Interrupting.
03:42Oh.
03:43This is what happens when you work with Jed Mercurio.
03:46You get a lot of these very intense, very slow messages.
03:55I'm busy now, Jed.
03:56I've got stuff on.
03:57John!
03:58John, there's no bog roll.
04:00There is.
04:01It's in shops.
04:02It's everywhere.
04:03There's whole aisles of it in the supermarket.
04:05You give them coins and they give you toilet roll
04:08and then you wipe your bits and pieces with it.
04:10Have you got some I can have?
04:11If you're telling me I've been to the toilet already,
04:13then whatever is under there, you've sought yourself out with.
04:16Can I have some of these beers?
04:17Yes, please.
04:18Take the beers as well and then burn them for the chandle.
04:20John, guess what?
04:22What?
04:22Johnny's been in touch with me.
04:24Johnny Vegas, I assume.
04:25Who else?
04:26Who you've previously had an intense affair with.
04:29Your mum's had sex with Johnny Vegas.
04:30Shh.
04:31In my pub.
04:32When a woman throws a patty Guinness on you,
04:34what she's basically saying is, I own you.
04:37Lead me home, sugar tits.
04:39I think he misses me, John.
04:40That's like saying, you know that dog that I gave a bit of meat to?
04:43That's back in the yard.
04:44He wants anyone who will give him time and attention.
04:47I was having a lovely time then,
04:49flicking my little beer mats, having my beer.
04:52Now, I've got Jill's genitals smeared all over my bar
04:56and the prospect of Johnny Vegas back in my life.
04:58Consonant, please.
05:00Pete.
05:01You are going down.
05:03That is a sign from the gods.
05:07I think it's about your trousers.
05:09Another consonant, please.
05:11My new agent's managed to get me into the writer's room
05:13for a new American sitcom.
05:15It's dead exciting.
05:16Okay, so Mr. Dead.
05:18Just sort of spitball ideas around.
05:19She'll do well in America.
05:21She's got an American energy about her.
05:23It's just a shame no one will know what she's saying.
05:25Before she killed him, they dirtied on each other.
05:27They dirtied on each other.
05:29I like that.
05:30Maybe they could just have a secret curd.
05:31A secret curd?
05:33Yeah, the Iranian neighbour.
05:34I'm so valued here.
05:35But really, he was just joking.
05:37He was only jerking.
05:38What is a patty?
05:39What is a Humber Bridge?
05:40It's basically like Jeopardy.
05:41They don't understand everything I'm saying.
05:44Well, I mean, with comedy, you know, it's...
05:48What is it?
05:49Back in my pub, I was busy learning my lines.
05:56That's your fault.
05:57I'm just checking.
05:58You haven't forgotten about meeting Jeb Mercurio.
06:00You know your lines?
06:01Yes, I do, and he's been hassling me about it.
06:03Don't worry, I'm in the zone.
06:10Mercurio doesn't mess about, so learn the lines.
06:22I'll do it, don't worry.
06:23I'm fine.
06:25Oh, bollocks.
06:26I've got to go, there's a big dog.
06:28You're barred.
06:28Cheers.
06:30Welcome to the pub.
06:32Johnny headed upstairs and I carried on learning my lines.
06:37That was nearly the best thing that's ever happened to me on camera.
06:40And I'm playing with a split shaft.
06:45Sounds like something similar is happening upstairs, to be honest.
06:48They just take over your life, these people from all...
06:51This is my sanctum.
06:55This is where I come to just be on my own.
06:59Oh, please stop.
07:03She did this in London.
07:04She took the house and we were able to sell that from under her.
07:09I'm not selling this.
07:10This is mine.
07:10So this can't be allowed to happen again.
07:15She's either painting or panting up there and I don't like either.
07:18Suzanne has organized some stand-up gigs for me whilst I'm in LA.
07:23Next up is a very funny lady all the way from Hull and Ingerland.
07:28Give it up for Lucy Baumont.
07:33Thank you.
07:34Thank you very much.
07:34It's Beaumont, actually.
07:37Like Beau.
07:38It's actually French.
07:39It means beautiful mountain.
07:42Can you tell us what it's like to die on stage?
07:46No, and I'm insulted by the question.
07:49How dare you?
07:51Can you tell me what it's like to direct an absolute flop?
07:56There's something about dying abroad that is just
08:01the loneliest experience on the planet.
08:03I've got a very strong northern English accent,
08:06so just to adjust your ears to the sound,
08:10if you can repeat after me.
08:12Oh no, the snow on the road.
08:17If you repeat it.
08:18I've died all over the world.
08:20I've died in Norway, Amsterdam, Italy, France.
08:24I've died in Crete.
08:26But there's always that, you know, oh, it's the language barrier.
08:29But if you're in a country where English is the first language,
08:33you're just dying, aren't you?
08:34If you repeat it after me.
08:36Oh no, the...
08:38If you repeat it.
08:41Anyway, I think cracking the states
08:45might take a little bit more time.
08:47While Lucy's having a hard time,
08:49things are looking up for me.
08:50I'm on my way to meet Jed Mercurio,
08:52the creator of TV's biggest show, Line of Duty.
08:58Line of Duty, swearing,
09:01accents, bombs, car chases.
09:04Go on, get him!
09:05Push him over!
09:08It's all right, the safety's on.
09:10Can't come to any harm.
09:11Until I flick that switch.
09:13Bang!
09:13I'd shoot people in the balls, that'd be my thing.
09:17Who shoots a man in the balls?
09:19Holy Mary, mother of acorns.
09:31Hello.
09:31Hi.
09:32How are you?
09:33Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
09:34I was going to stand up then.
09:35I don't know if I needed to stand up.
09:38I like...
09:44I like what you've done with the room.
09:46Are you taping this?
09:51Line of Duty, initial interview with John Richardson.
09:54Oh, you are taping it?
09:56I'm filming.
09:57I think the show's amazing.
09:58My one note would be,
10:01sometimes people say H instead of H,
10:04and I find that quite...
10:06Because it's H, isn't it?
10:07And it's...
10:07John, what do you know about police corruption?
10:11Oh, it's really bad.
10:14All good.
10:16It's bad.
10:17The thing is, it's not all murders and shootouts.
10:19Most corruption is in the paper.
10:21It's in the paper.
10:22It's in the paper.
10:23It's in the paper.
10:23It's in the paper.
10:24It's in the paper.
10:25It's in the paper.
10:25It's in the paper.
10:27The thing is, with Line of Duty,
10:28people expect pulsating plot twists,
10:31cliffhangers, high-octane action.
10:33In the next season, we want to flatten all that out.
10:35We want to take the sting out of it.
10:37And that's where I think you might come in.
10:41Wowee.
10:42DCI Gideon Metcalf, a ferocious admin czar,
10:46double-checks everyone's paperwork,
10:48never more than five foot from a filing cabinet.
10:50He makes bent coppers quake in their boots.
10:53Sounds like the role I was born to play.
10:55I've got a similar reputation in comedy.
10:57I take notes to gigs with me.
10:58Older comics hate me because they think
11:00you should just react to the audience.
11:01But what about sex?
11:04You comfortable with that?
11:06I want you, Lucy Burns.
11:09For him or for me?
11:10For Gideon Metcalf?
11:12Um...
11:12Touching, nudity, kissing.
11:15Do you think you'd be able to do some sex scenes?
11:17I mean, from the way you've described the character,
11:19he doesn't seem like he would actually have sex with her.
11:21That's the whole point.
11:22I'm thinking, end of act one, plot twist, cliffhanger.
11:25He's a virgin.
11:27The OCG lay a honey trap, pop his cherry.
11:31Gideon Metcalf is compromised.
11:34Could he have had sex once before or like at uni or something?
11:37No, no.
11:38Complete virgin.
11:39He's struck out at every single opportunity.
11:41He found a way to mess it up.
11:47It's all acting, isn't it?
11:48I can pretend to be a virgin.
11:49That's what I wanted to hear, John.
11:51Take the script.
11:52Learn it, live it.
12:02Yeah, I liked him, yeah.
12:03It's quite intense.
12:04But I think that probably helped me in a way.
12:07I think he thought I was probably getting into the role
12:11of a sort of snivelling, sort of weedy, intimidated man.
12:15But actually, that's what I am.
12:22Sit down.
12:24Anything you need me to do on my own, I'm always still waiting.
12:27Do you want some of my dramatic acting?
12:29You got it.
12:30Hang on then.
12:34Sorry Lucy's not here yet,
12:35but we had some very upsetting news this morning.
12:40We ran out of oat milk at Co-op.
12:43We had to buy almond, which is worse for the planet.
12:47And it's worse in tea.
12:50But we're gonna carry on.
12:52I think we're gonna be all right.
12:55Do you like that?
12:56You bastard pricks.
12:59In part one, John met up with Line of Duty's Jed Mercurio.
13:03What about sex?
13:04Are you comfortable with that?
13:07Lucy's gone off to break America.
13:10And Jill and Johnny Vegas are back on again.
13:17Please stop.
13:19My agent had arranged a meeting with comedy actor Jessica Knappett.
13:23She's been in films and she was almost Lucy from Hull in my sitcom.
13:30And now she lives out in LA.
13:32Lucy.
13:34Sorry I'm late.
13:36I was waiting for the pool cleaner to show up.
13:38Oh, that's so LA.
13:40Such a cliche, but you've got to have a pool.
13:43I mean, you can't move to LA and then not have a pool.
13:45And do you know what I've noticed?
13:47Everyone has got good teeth.
13:49If you've got good teeth and you're in LA, you're set.
13:51It's amazing.
13:52It's just the energy.
13:53It's like it's one of them yes places, isn't it?
13:56It's like, yeah, you can do it.
13:58Everyone is just so happy.
14:00There's just so much.
14:02It's just positive vibes everywhere.
14:04John wouldn't cope in LA because he's Mr Negative.
14:07He likes to be around dour people.
14:09He likes to sit on Morecambe Pier in the rain.
14:12They're gonna get divorced if they come out here.
14:14He doesn't like joy people.
14:16I'll tell you what he doesn't like.
14:17He doesn't like men who look after themselves.
14:19Do you know what else I don't like?
14:20The number of people that exercise.
14:22You can't go out without seeing someone running.
14:24And when you're on your way to the pub, I find that a very hostile act.
14:31My mother-in-law and her lover have decided to give it a rest
14:35and come downstairs to raid my bar.
14:37Help yourself, Johnny.
14:39I'm gonna have a wee.
14:40Enjoy yourself in my pub, won't you?
14:42Yeah.
14:44Always do.
14:46It's like a morgue, isn't it, isn't it?
14:49You know what a pub needs, don't you?
14:51A bit of life.
14:52People.
14:53People.
14:57Lads!
14:58Vegas Pub Locking!
15:01Get in here!
15:03Right then, what are we having?
15:05Yeah, get the bottles in, mate.
15:06With notes on draft.
15:08So now it's all bottles.
15:09We'll take the bottles then, yeah?
15:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:12What's going on, what's going on?
15:13Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
15:14What are you doing?
15:15What's happened?
15:16I only went for a piss.
15:18You can't have that, I haven't got a license.
15:19I'm not, you're not allowed it.
15:20I'm, I'm sorry to be the arsehole.
15:22I am an arsehole.
15:22John, it's a private party.
15:24John, John, John.
15:24You haven't got a license.
15:25We're here to sell the nail.
15:26We're giving them.
15:28I am a prick.
15:28But on this matter, I'm not being a prick for no reason.
15:31You can drink with them in the street, Johnny, by all means.
15:33Meet them in the park or whatever you people do.
15:35What happened then?
15:36You were here.
15:37I only went for a piss.
15:38I haven't got a big bladder, I'm weak.
15:40I was gone about 30 seconds.
15:42And that will keep happening.
15:44Every time I go out, next time it'll be a rottweiler, then it'll be a fire.
15:47I'm just a fan of lock-ins.
15:49Eight celebrities have been locked into a pub.
15:52The winner will be the last man standing with Johnny Vegas.
15:58Shitty nail.
15:59Well, we need to bring it back.
16:00We should stop filming at the Richardsons and start making this.
16:04That's a fucking pile of shite!
16:08In his head, he still thinks it's celebrity lock-in.
16:11He's a good man to drink with.
16:12Oh, you was thirsty, weren't you?
16:14He's not a good man to go to the toilet and come back to find your pub.
16:19I'm going to use the word infested with strangers.
16:22What a waste of a pub.
16:24This is nice, isn't it?
16:25Lads, lads, lads.
16:26This is great.
16:28And he bought a pub.
16:29And Lucy sent us a message.
16:30She said, keep an eye on John.
16:32He's having all his friend over.
16:35That's clever, isn't it?
16:36Ain't she funny?
16:37My best friend is comedian and broadcaster Matt Ford.
16:41Whenever Lucy's away, I get Matt over for a session.
16:47Do you want some more?
16:50Matthew is coming up for, you know, just to catch up.
16:53You know, just a cup of tea and a natter.
16:55And by cop, I mean pint.
16:57But we'll do something first.
16:58You've got to do something you can tell Lucy we did,
17:01and then you can get shit-faced.
17:02I bought a pub, yeah.
17:03I can't have a pub in the new house, so I've had to buy a pub.
17:07The mentality is the same.
17:08I want a pub that no one else is allowed in.
17:10But you know what pub is short for?
17:12Public.
17:13That's why it's called a pub.
17:14Yours is a priv.
17:16Mine's short for pubic.
17:17Pubic house, where I sit there and scratch my nads,
17:21and they rain down like parmesan onto the floor.
17:24Oh, God.
17:26Like the scratchings, please.
17:30How competitive is John?
17:32Oh, he's competitive all the time, from the moment he wakes up.
17:35He's locked in a perpetual battle to prove himself.
17:38He thinks he's the best at everything.
17:42He thinks he's got a better personality, better morals.
17:45He thinks he's a better driver, best at maths, organisation,
17:49DIY, general knowledge, everything.
17:52He knows it all.
17:53Better than you at maths, isn't it?
17:55You listed about 10 things there, and you were still on the first hand.
17:58How big a run-up do you take?
17:59You just do yours.
18:01You do you, mate.
18:02Yeah.
18:02Oh, you do look like you know what you're doing, actually.
18:05You know what, as well?
18:05You've got that Rory McIlroy thing, the irritating face.
18:09And what's he like when he loses?
18:11Well, as I'm sure you'll know, he will claim that something wasn't right.
18:16This doesn't count.
18:17Yes, it... Oh, don't.
18:18All right, your first shot counts, then.
18:20Everyone's first shot counts. It's life.
18:22He's basically like Trump.
18:23You know, he'll make out he was rigged.
18:24The system was against him.
18:26Oh, you only did that.
18:27No, no, no, that doesn't count because you're a tarlot.
18:29There should have been an handicap on that.
18:31He will find a way to rob you of your deserved victory.
18:35Oh, that's gone.
18:36Oh, bugger.
18:38No, don't go off the back.
18:40While John was playing silly games,
18:42I was about to audition for the biggest role of my life.
18:45Imagine me in a Marvel movie.
18:47Lucy Beaumont.
18:47Hi, thank you.
18:50Just go and stand on your mark.
18:52So, Black Widow has been wounded in a fight with Ratman and his pack.
18:56They've kidnapped the president's daughter and you, Sparkle, are on their tail.
19:02Right, yeah.
19:03The fate of the world is in your hands.
19:08Oh, no, they've taken her down the sewer.
19:10Think, Sparkle, think.
19:12I know, I'll smoke them out until they choke.
19:15In your usual accent?
19:18Oh, sorry.
19:19Do you want East Hall or West Hall?
19:21Um...
19:22I can do East Hall, North Hall and I can even do West Hall.
19:25Oh, great, you're in the next Star Wars.
19:27Oh, you fuck.
19:28I'm just gonna go for it, sod it.
19:30Hang on, let me film this.
19:31Don't let go of the club.
19:36Three.
19:44Whoa!
19:45Oh, there it is, there it is.
19:48Oh, come on!
19:50The problem with Matt is he's very, very, very reactive.
19:55That means he's wonderful to prank.
19:57It's just an absolute open goal for someone like me, who is deep down a real piece of shit.
20:03He's probably the nastiest decent person I know.
20:07So when we lived together, him and me and my friend Danny,
20:11Danny found in a joke shop this horrible rat, like a toy rat, but it is in that position.
20:19It was horrible.
20:20It wasn't even for a prank, but Fordy shit himself just looking at it.
20:24So me and Danny were like, oh, this is on.
20:26It was like living in Victorian London.
20:28I would just open stuff and there'd be rats in it.
20:31So the first night we just put it in his bed and he went off to bed, pulled his duvet back.
20:37Screamed.
20:38And I just heard up the stairs.
20:42Then you've got to leave it a bit.
20:44That's the trick.
20:44You've got to get them out of the mindset of someone who's about to be pranked.
20:48The minute they're looking for it, game's over.
20:49They leave it a few weeks.
20:51So he would do it when he was out.
20:52So it wasn't even that he would get to see it.
20:54He wasn't there for the payoff.
20:55I knew at some point he liked soup.
20:59So I knew he'd have a big old bowl of soup.
21:02I put the rat in the microwave and I put it on the plate like that, peering out of the door.
21:07It'd been all, I don't know, all the way through.
21:09I'd put it on the plate.
21:11I'd put it in the microwave.
21:12Peering out of the door.
21:13It'd been all cock of the walk with his little...
21:19Fucking hell, there's a rat in here!
21:21Absolutely.
21:22Hock line and sinker, soup everywhere.
21:24And even though I've never seen it, I can picture it.
21:27And then you just hear it.
21:30Even if he's not there, you hear it.
21:32It's just on the wind.
21:33And now that the dust has settled on that and he's moved on from rat game,
21:37the time has come to strike again.
21:40I'd love you to miss some there.
21:42I know you would.
21:47Okay, John won the first hole.
21:50Golf won the first hole, really.
21:52But it means more to you to win, doesn't it?
21:53Not really, no.
21:55It's one of those things, it's like when you beat someone who is fundamentally awful.
22:00I feel like you've actually been so bad, you've robbed me of any joy.
22:05And you were barely there, so I feel like I've actually haven't really been there.
22:10Oh, Jesus Christ, what the fucking hell is that?
22:13What the fucking hell?
22:14What?
22:15What the fuck is that?
22:17Nice to meet you, man.
22:20That's my neighbour, Damien.
22:21How you doing?
22:21Jesus Christ.
22:23There's always a bit before the prank happens when I think,
22:26what if he has an actual heart attack?
22:28You've got to be careful with that stuff, haven't you?
22:30And I start to doubt myself and think, should we pull out?
22:33Is it too much?
22:34That can kill people.
22:35But I paid for the rat outfit.
22:37I paid for Dee's time.
22:38Jesus Christ.
22:39A breeze, a breeze.
22:40Was to make him shit the van.
22:42I think you did.
22:43It was wonderful, it was really good.
22:45Absolute treat.
22:46I'll be watching that one back a lot.
22:47Oh, Jesus Christ.
22:49If that had been an old cassette, I would have worn it out.
22:52Oh, Jesus Christ.
22:54John asked you to do this, then?
22:55Oh, aye.
22:56Well, I'm paid, aren't I?
22:57I'll just do whatever I'm paid to do.
22:59There was a genuine fear that Dee would get arrested.
23:01So why were you lurking in a bush dressed as a rat?
23:03He told me to.
23:04I would have disowned him instantly.
23:06I'm glad Fordy jumped, but the real prank was to try and get Dee to do 10 to 15 years.
23:10Bit of fun, innit?
23:11I promise you this, I'm going to fuck him up.
23:14Meanwhile, in LA, Lucy was auditioning for a huge role in a Marvel movie.
23:19I know, I'll smoke them out until they choke.
23:22Just your British accent?
23:24Oh, no, they've taken her down the sewer.
23:26Think, Sparkle, think.
23:27I know, I'll smoke them out until they choke.
23:30They catch her in the rat, read it in like a Cockney accent.
23:34She came in and took off her coat.
23:37Took off her coat.
23:38Do Birmingham.
23:40She crossed her legs and had a cup of tea.
23:42She started to sweat.
23:43She was very nervous.
23:45Do Welsh.
23:46She really was.
23:47Holden was her age, I think.
23:50She was around my age.
23:51Do Scottish.
23:53You could have.
23:54Okay, the new...
23:54This is the bit that's culturally inappropriate.
23:57You're getting in character.
23:59Oh, okay, the new...
24:00Iron Blue.
24:01Kate Winslet.
24:02Emily Blunt.
24:04Keira Knightley.
24:05Oh, no, they've taken her down the sewer.
24:08Think, Sparkle, think.
24:10I know, I'll smoke them out until they choke.
24:13Do you spider?
24:15What's that?
24:16Spider.
24:17Oh, right.
24:18Auditions on green screen, nightmare.
24:20In one aspect, it's not real and there's none there.
24:23So you've got nothing to play against.
24:24But on the other side, depending on what medication I'm on,
24:29there could be anything behind me.
24:31Go with leg, go with arm.
24:32If I saw a spider, I'd go, get away, like that.
24:36Okay, thanks for coming in.
24:37Obviously, we are going to see some other people.
24:41Hi.
24:42Hello there.
24:42How are you doing?
24:43How was it?
24:45Your bags?
24:46Shall I take your goddamn bags?
24:48Oh, it was a wonderful trip.
24:50I mean, who would have thought little old me,
24:52from Hessle and Hull, going to the Bad Apple?
24:56The Big Apple.
24:57Is that New York?
24:58That's New York, then.
24:59Jill and Johnny are in the car, so aren't you?
25:00Oh, God, I don't care.
25:01So, brace yourself.
25:02Oh, my God, I don't think I'm ready for them.
25:09You're quiet in the back.
25:11Yeah, yeah.
25:12Fatigued.
25:12Close.
25:14Please stop.
25:15You're in good mood, though, yeah?
25:17It's nice to see each other, is it?
25:20Yeah.
25:21I'm actually desperate for a pee.
25:24Ah.
25:24Yeah.
25:25Sorry.
25:26We're about 40 minutes away.
25:27Can you hold it for 40 minutes?
25:29Not really.
25:32Just going to reverse him.
25:33Do you need it badly enough?
25:34I just prefer to reverse it, and then I can get out easily.
25:40Look, this is a little bit awkward, but it needed me.
25:45What are you going to do?
25:46Basically, that has turned into that.
25:55Yeah.
25:57Johnny's asked me to marry him, and I've said yes.
26:00You are jerking.
26:01No.
26:03Oh, my God.
26:04Do you need to tell me anything else?
26:06Well, I'm not pregnant, obviously.
26:13Can I smoke?
26:14No.
26:15This has gone too far now.
26:17I don't mind a bit of Christmas romance.
26:21You're watching a very slow motion car crash now.
26:25Somebody needs to step in, get a stinger out, burst the tyres.
26:30Before somebody gets badly hurt.
26:31They're in a whirlwind romance.
26:33That's what happens.
26:34I'm just happy for him.
26:35If my mum's happy, I'm happy.
26:37And, you know, he's a Casanova.
26:39Casa Diablo.
26:40Look me in the eye and say, I, Lucy Beaumont, knowing my mother
26:44and all the things that have happened between us in the years,
26:48firmly believe that the solution to a lot of my mum's problems is Johnny Vegas.
26:53Can I smoke?
26:54No.
26:55Whoa!
26:56What?
27:00That's me.
27:03Stop me for a selfie.
27:04Who's put that there?
27:06You know what? This is the first time in my life
27:09that I've ever properly gone and got him and got one up on him.
27:12Fuck you, Richardson.
27:13Next time on Meet the Richardsons,
27:15John has to organise Johnny Vegas's stag do.
27:18Okay, so the next process is to get that liquid.
27:20Can we have some?
27:21Not yet.
27:22This is the copper.
27:23So we drink it from here?
27:26Not yet.
27:26Lucy takes her mum wedding dress shopping.
27:29Do you know what it is?
27:30What?
27:31I'm not a virgin, am I?
27:33And John agrees to appear on Celebrity Bullseye with me.
27:36Please welcome your host.
27:38It's Alan Carr.
27:59I want a tail.
28:01I won't run amok when the females chuck confetti in my ears.
28:06And cross my heart, love, I'll keep up the pace.