ChuckleVision 7x13 Clueless Chuckles
When their tent is blown away in a storm the Chuckle Brothers go to a hotel where, unbeknown to them, a Murder Mystery Weekend is taking place and they are mistaken for participants representing the police. As the guests and staff 'die', one by one, leaving the message, "You're Next",scrawled on a mirror, the brothers take it all very literally and, even when the 'corpses' come back to life to explain what has been happening, Paul and Barry remain clueless Chuckles.
Transcript
00:00Ch-Ch-Ch-Convision! Ch-Ch-Ch-Convision!
00:31Bonnie, Scotland. And camping again.
00:34Yeah. It was good of Dan the Van to lend us his tent after the last time.
00:38Yeah. Are you sure this is the right direction?
00:40Oh, yes. Just the other side of that valley.
00:42You'll be able to see it from the other side.
00:44Good. Cos I'm dying for a cup of tea.
00:46Ah, well, the by the wee while serves the best tea in the area.
00:49Wish you hadn't said that.
00:51By the wee while?
00:52Yeah, that's something else I'm dying for.
00:54All this fresh air and exercise, it's great.
00:56I can't beat sleeping under the stars.
00:58But in a tent?
01:00Oh, of course in a tent. But in the fresh air.
01:02And all the moocow.
01:04Bull.
01:05No, I mean it.
01:06No, it's not a moocow. It's a bull.
01:10Bonnie.
01:11What?
01:12Run!
01:23It's OK. I think we've lost him, Paul.
01:25Great.
01:26Hey, where's that tea shop?
01:28I don't know. We've run for miles.
01:30Well, where's the map?
01:31Oh, dear. I must have dropped it.
01:33Silly you.
01:34Silly me.
01:35Oh, well, we'll set up camp here.
01:37Are you sure?
01:39Yes. It's a lovely spot.
01:41Not a cloud in the sky.
01:42And I could do with an early night.
01:43Come on, get the tent up.
01:44OK.
01:56Was that rain?
01:58No.
02:03Was that rain?
02:04No.
02:08Well, that's rain.
02:10Perhaps it's just a shower.
02:12I'll put the radio on.
02:15And here's the weather forecast for the local region.
02:17Oh, good.
02:19It's raining.
02:20Surprise, surprise.
02:22This won't come as a surprise.
02:24But it will get heavier.
02:26And heavier.
02:29Hey, at least it's not thundering, because I hate thunder.
02:32And with thunder on the way.
02:36Hey, the weather's listening.
02:38And now, a game warning.
02:44What are we going to do?
02:45Find somewhere warm and dry to stay for the night.
02:47But it's raining.
02:48Exactly.
02:49Come on.
02:53It doesn't look very welcoming, Paul.
02:55Well, they won't be expecting visitors at this time of night, will they?
02:58I don't like the look of it.
02:59Let's go to the house next door.
03:01No, that's miles away.
03:02This will do.
03:03Come on.
03:04We're only going to use the telephone, then we were away as quick as a flash.
03:07Eh.
03:10It's a good job these sleeping bags are waterproof.
03:12Yeah, but they're supposed to keep the water out.
03:19I've got a good idea.
03:20Let's go home.
03:22No, Paul.
03:23I want to go home.
03:24I want to put up the curtains.
03:25The curtains.
03:26The curtains.
03:27I've got a good idea, Paul.
03:28Right.
03:29Close the window.
03:30I'll turn on the TV.
03:31The TV's on.
03:32They're on, Paul.
03:33Good evening, sir. Hello.
03:37That's very quick. I only phoned you ten minutes ago.
03:40Ah, talking of telephones. Yes, I phoned you in the nick of time.
03:43The storm has just brought the telephone lines down.
03:46I think there's been some terrible... Crime committed, that's right.
03:50Still, the police are here. Are they? Where?
03:53Ah, you're undercover.
03:55Let me help you with your sleeping bag.
03:57Oh, thank you very much.
04:00Hello.
04:02Hello. He'll be wanting to get out of those wet clothes.
04:06I shan't be a minute. Mum's the word.
04:09Wet's the word? Yeah.
04:11What's he going on about? He thinks we're undercover.
04:14We were. We were under magazine covers.
04:16No, he thinks we're the police.
04:18We'd better tell him we're not, then. Hang on, hang on.
04:21If he thinks we're the police,
04:23it means we can go in there and be nice and cosy and warm.
04:26If we tell him we're not, we'll be back out in the wet.
04:29Which would you prefer?
04:31It's obvious, PC Chuckle. You can't call me that.
04:34We need undercover names.
04:36If you come this way, sirs, I'll announce you, Mr...?
04:39I'm Ideal Holmes, and this is Dr... Watson.
04:42Mrs Holmes and Watson.
04:44Come this way.
04:57Lady Shave made your look.
04:59May I introduce Mr Holmes and Dr Watson?
05:03I say!
05:05Bit of blithering good fortune
05:08having you two on the case, don't you know?
05:11Sit down, Mr Holmes, Dr Watson.
05:15I'm so glad you're here.
05:17Why? What's happened?
05:19We just got dressed for dinner when we heard an intruder in the house.
05:23How do you know he's an intruder?
05:25He came in through the window.
05:27He's probably after the family jewels.
05:29Watson, make a note.
05:31Like...?
05:32No, not that kind of note. Write it down.
05:35I can't write music.
05:37No, write down what's said.
05:39OK, Holmes.
05:40Right. What's on?
05:42There's a garden party on Saturday.
05:44Just a minute. My pencil's broken.
05:46You don't have to write that down. Just what's relevant to the case.
05:49Stick to the point.
05:50I would, but it's broken.
05:53EXPLOSION
05:56What was that?
05:58Please accept my apologies, ma'am.
06:00Someone removed the fuse.
06:03Oh! My necklace!
06:06It's been stolen!
06:11I didn't see anybody, did you, Paul?
06:13No.
06:14What are you going to do now?
06:16We'd better call the police.
06:18We are the police.
06:19Of course we are, silly me.
06:20Silly you.
06:21Do something.
06:23To make.
06:24To you.
06:25To make.
06:26To you, then.
06:27To make.
06:33I don't want to tell you fellas your jobs.
06:36Feel free, Major.
06:37But shouldn't you be looking for clues?
06:40I was just going to say the same thing.
06:42Ellie mentioned what's on.
06:43Will you please find my necklace?
06:46I don't know where it is.
06:47Then look for it.
06:49Right.
06:52Oh, well, nobody's left the room.
06:54Except the butler.
06:56The butler!
06:57The butler's got the necklace.
06:59Come on, Barry.
07:06Ah, could we ask you a few questions?
07:08Certainly, sir.
07:10Do you know Lady Shave's necklace has gone missing?
07:12You hum it, sir, and I'll join in the chorus.
07:15No, no, no. Have you seen Lady Shave's necklace?
07:17Is that the latest Walt Disney cinematic release?
07:20No, you don't understand.
07:21What have you been doing for the last hour?
07:23Setting up for dinner, sir.
07:24And where were you when the lights went out?
07:26I immediately went and replaced the fuse.
07:28He's very good, isn't he, Paul?
07:29He is.
07:30I've got one.
07:31What's the capital of Italy?
07:33Rome, sir.
07:34And what's the highest mountain in Africa?
07:35Kilimanjaro, sir.
07:37And who was the first...
07:38I've started, so I'll finish.
07:39Who was the first man on the moon?
07:41That would be Neil Armstrong, sir.
07:43And who stole Lady Shave's necklace?
07:45Did anyone enter or leave the room during the blackout?
07:48I couldn't see.
07:49I don't think so.
07:50In that case, it must have been taken by someone already in the room.
07:54Well, don't look at me. It wasn't me.
07:56It wasn't me.
07:57Then it has to be...
07:58The Major!
08:00Dinner is served.
08:01Oh, good. What is it?
08:03Death by chocolate.
08:05Come this way, sir.
08:13I can't believe anybody would want to steal my heirlooms.
08:17Oh, they stole your heirlooms as well, then.
08:19No, no. I mean my necklace.
08:21Waiter, waiter.
08:23Sir.
08:24There's a fly in the soup.
08:25What's it doing, sir?
08:26I think it's the backstroke.
08:28I'm terribly sorry, sir. I'll get you another.
08:31Thank you very much.
08:32So, I suppose it was worth a lot of money, then, this necklace.
08:35Yes, it was worth thousands.
08:37Come and jolly useful a few hundred pounds.
08:40Why's that?
08:41Well, to be honest, Mr. Holmes, I may as well make a clean breast of it.
08:45I'm being blackmailed.
08:47Watson, make a note of this.
08:48Right.
08:51Just a minute.
08:53Now, there's two flies in the soup.
08:54I did say I'd get you another, sir.
08:59What's wrong?
09:00I've got a frog in me throat.
09:01Well, let it out, will you? It can eat these flies.
09:06Waiter, waiter.
09:07Sir.
09:08There's a Major in the soup.
09:09Major, look.
09:11Major, look.
09:12No, no, that's not right.
09:13It's made you look, made you stare, made you lose your underwear.
09:16No, look, the Major's dead.
09:18I didn't think the soup was that bad.
09:20He's been murdered.
09:21So, whoever murdered the Major probably stole the necklace, too.
09:25So, who else lives in this house, then?
09:27Only the chef, sir.
09:29I think it's time we had a word with the chef.
09:32I think it's time we had a word with the police.
09:34You are the police.
09:35That's right, we are the police.
09:37We're undercover, Barry.
09:38Point taken.
09:39When are we going to get out of these wet clothes?
09:42Have you got a change of clothes at all?
09:44Yes, I have, sir. Come this way.
09:46Oh, right.
09:47Excuse us.
10:04If you leave your clothes, gentlemen,
10:06the maid will take them and launder them overnight.
10:08There's a change of clothes provided.
10:10Right you are, then.
10:11Thank you.
10:15Lock the door, Barry.
10:19Come on, Paul, let's escape.
10:20No, get changed.
10:22We can't go anywhere.
10:24A, look at the weather.
10:27B, a crime's being committed.
10:30And D, they think we're the police.
10:33Just a minute.
10:34What happened to the sea?
10:35The tide went out.
10:37Another crime for Ideal Homes to solve.
10:40You're just like being the great detective.
10:42Barry, behind every great detective, there's a little brother.
10:45Now, where's your notes? We need to solve the clues.
10:47It's with me jumper.
10:50It could be the murderer.
10:51Don't be stupid, murderers don't knock.
10:53Well, that's not very nice.
10:54Neither's murdering people.
10:56Answer the door.
10:57I can't, I'm not dressed.
10:59Hide in the bathroom, then.
11:00OK.
11:01Unlock the door first.
11:08Come in.
11:13I've come for your laundry, sir.
11:15There you are.
11:17I'd stay where you are tonight, sir, if I were you.
11:20I'm not planning on going anywhere.
11:22Who was that?
11:23It's my partner, he's in disguise.
11:25I'm in the bathroom.
11:28Thank you.
11:33You can come out now, Barry.
11:35Right, now, where were we?
11:36Well, I was in there and you were on the bed.
11:38Oh, I mean, what were we doing?
11:39Looking for my notebook.
11:40And where is it?
11:41It's with me jumper.
11:42And where's your jumper?
11:43It's on the bed.
11:44Oh, no.
11:45It's been stolen.
11:46It hasn't been stolen, the maid's taken it away to clean it.
11:49Oh, dear, what am I going to wear?
11:51There's probably something in the wardrobe for you.
11:53Have a look.
11:59Thank you.
12:01Paul, Paul!
12:03What is it?
12:04There's something in the wardrobe.
12:05Well, I know it's not very nice, but you'll have to wear something.
12:07No!
12:08Look!
12:15What could that be?
12:16I don't know, but it's definitely not a lady shave.
12:18I need to speak to you urgently, sir.
12:21Just a minute.
12:22Cover her up.
12:23Right.
12:28Right.
12:30Come in.
12:36Is everything all right, sirs?
12:38Oh, yes, fine, thank you very much.
12:44In that case, you're needed downstairs.
12:47There's been a development.
12:49I never knew you had a camera.
12:53It's more serious than that, sirs.
12:56May I ask, are you any closer to solving the crime?
12:59In a word, no.
13:02In that case, you're needed in the kitchen.
13:05OK, I'll wash you dry.
13:07Follow me.
13:15Well, I don't see a problem.
13:17Monsieur Le Chef usually takes his bath in the morning.
13:20So?
13:21So why is he stewing in his own juice on a back burner?
13:25Well, he's a chef.
13:27He's obviously French.
13:29Well, he's a chef.
13:31He's obviously French and he likes apples.
13:33Hey, that's brilliant. How do you know?
13:35Elementary, my dear Watson.
13:37But who did this vile deed?
13:39I don't know, but whoever it is knows nothing about seasoning.
13:42There's nothing more we can do tonight.
13:44Well, add a bit of salt and leave him on a low light till morning.
13:47No, there's not enough time.
13:49Come on.
13:56Paul, Paul, are you awake?
13:58No.
13:59Paul, Paul, will you be quiet?
14:01Great detectives need their sleep.
14:03So do we.
14:06Paul, Paul.
14:09What is it?
14:10There's a note being pushed under the door.
14:12Well, what does it say?
14:14I don't know. I can't read it from here.
14:16Well, go and have a look then.
14:29Well?
14:30It says...
14:32Yes?
14:33Open the door.
14:35Well, go on then.
14:42I suppose we'd better go and have a look.
14:44Yeah, come on.
14:54There's nobody there.
14:56There's nobody there.
14:57There's nobody here.
14:59Paul!
15:01You've got to help me.
15:02I'm in terrible trouble.
15:03Why?
15:04Come to my room and I'll show you.
15:15That's terrible.
15:16I know.
15:17It was my favourite lipstick.
15:19Is everything all right, sir?
15:21Look.
15:22Oh, that's terrible.
15:23I know it was her favourite lipstick.
15:25No, sir.
15:26It's the spelling.
15:30Honestly.
15:31Criminals today.
15:34I know what we must do.
15:36I want everyone to assemble in the drawing room.
15:38Yes.
15:39Why?
15:40Well, that way they'll all be together and we won't have to keep an eye on everybody.
15:43Good idea, sir.
15:45Shall we say five minutes?
15:47If you like.
15:49Five minutes.
15:55Great.
15:56Our clothes are back.
15:57Right.
15:58We'll be nice and safe when we get in the drawing room.
15:59Good, because this place gives me the willies.
16:01Yeah.
16:02I wonder who the murderer is.
16:03I don't know, but there's only us and Miss Scarlet left.
16:07Oh, now there's only us left.
16:09Oh, dear.
16:10Oh, dear, oh, dear.
16:11I think it's about time we left.
16:12I think you're right.
16:13Come on.
16:26The drawing room is this way, sir.
16:29Of course it is.
16:30Silly me.
16:31Silly you.
16:38Hang on.
16:39Where is everyone?
16:40You are the only guests left, sir.
16:44So who's the murderer, then?
16:46Well, whoever it is must be in this room.
16:48Well, it's not me.
16:49It's the murderer.
16:50It's the murderer.
16:51It's the murderer.
16:52It's the murderer.
16:53It's the murderer.
16:54Well, it's not me, and it's not me.
16:57It must be you.
16:58Very good, sir.
16:59Well done.
17:00It was a tricky one this weekend.
17:01Well done, well done.
17:03Just a minute.
17:04You are dead.
17:05Appearances can be deceptive.
17:06You're dead too, the sequel.
17:08What about the others?
17:09Well, sir, after I took your laundry,
17:11I turned into Miss Scarlet and took you to my room.
17:14And while you were changing,
17:15I put on the chef's outfit and sat in the stew.
17:17But why?
17:18What do you mean, why?
17:19Aren't you here for the murder mystery weekend?
17:21No, we just came in here
17:22to get somewhere dry to stay for the night.
17:24Well, didn't you see the sign at the gate?
17:25No.
17:26Must have got washed off in the rain.
17:28So nobody's actually been hurt then?
17:30No, I'm really Beryl Butler.
17:32And I'm Colin Butler.
17:33And I'm Brian Butler.
17:35It's our hotel.
17:36Hotel?
17:37Yeah, this is the Manor House Hotel.
17:38We invented this scheme of doing murder mystery weekends
17:41to keep the hotel full.
17:42So where's all the other guests?
17:44Well, that's just it.
17:45We had a few cancellations due to the weather.
17:47And a coachload of visitors couldn't get here.
17:49Apparently there's a very dangerous bull loose.
17:51And some stupid maniac's let him out of his field.
17:54If I ever get me hands on him.
17:55Well, I think it's time we were going.
17:57Thanks very much, bye.
17:58What about the bill?
17:59They'll be round in five minutes.
18:03Come on, let's get out of here.
18:14So, we're going to have to get a new tent for Dan the Van now, eh?
18:17Yes.
18:19Unless...
18:20Look.
18:25Hey, it's our tent.
18:26Yeah.
18:27It's not such a bad holiday after all.
18:29It's a lovely day, we've found the tent, and we're nice and dry.
18:32Yeah.
18:33Now then, how are we going to get it down?
18:35Here, there's a stick here.
18:37Oh.
18:38Right.
18:49Vision, trick, trick, trick for Vision.