Foggy decides to become a one-man rescue and assistance service, but his efforts don't quite produce the intended result.
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00["Pomp and Circumstance"]
00:30I wonder what all this looked like during the Ice Age.
00:34Chilly.
00:35It must have been impressive.
00:38A sort of barren grandeur.
00:41Enormous shapes everywhere, but not a sign of life.
00:45Sounds like local government since reorganisation.
00:50Hey, I've been thinking.
00:55Oh yeah.
00:57Look at that.
00:59Face all screwed up with mental effort.
01:02Primitive man discovers language.
01:04Bog off.
01:06This is very first words.
01:09Do you mind?
01:10I'm trying to say something.
01:13All right, then.
01:15Out with it, small, scruffy person. Get it off your chest.
01:19Forgot what it is now.
01:21Oh my God.
01:24Now we shall never know what fundamental breakthrough is about to creep out from under that hat.
01:31My brain gets confused sometimes.
01:35Yeah, we've noticed that.
01:37Hey, I wonder if wellies rot your brain.
01:41It's true.
01:43When did you last see the Nobel Prize for Science go to anybody wearing wellies?
01:48If you don't like them, why the hell do you wear them?
01:50Sentimental reasons.
01:52His mother used to wear wellies.
01:54Ah, only in the house.
01:56Yeah, I remember his mother.
01:58She was the kind of woman who could have inspired the inventor of the bulldozer.
02:04She once threw a rentman at me.
02:06That's a lie.
02:08She didn't throw him at me.
02:11That just happened to be passing at the time.
02:14And rentmen were much smaller in those days.
02:17Marvellous how they've recovered, really, when you think that rentmen were practically extinct during the Ice Age.
02:25It's wonderful how nature keeps a balance.
02:27Look at you two, for instance.
02:29He's the scruffy one with few natural advantages,
02:33and you're the one who's standing with your boot in all them sheep-dropping problems.
02:39Oh.
02:45My God.
02:47What's up?
02:54See if he's left a note.
02:56A note?
02:58What the hell would he write to us for?
03:01A suicide note, you muffin.
03:04Hang about, Foggy.
03:06Maybe he's just swimming.
03:12Can you see anyone swimming?
03:14No.
03:22Poor devil.
03:25There's no note.
03:27Just a few tempeh pieces.
03:29Well, put them back.
03:31I've just counted them.
03:33Put them back.
03:35I bet your granny used to knit round the guillotine.
03:38Take her own sandwiches, front row of the stores.
03:41Oh.
03:44What's up now?
03:46Remove your hat.
03:47What good would that do?
03:49The man is gone.
03:51Well, you're not likely to find him under my hat, are you?
03:57Suppose he's only just gone under.
04:00Suppose he's not quite dead yet.
04:04Ah, yes.
04:05I was wondering when somebody was going to think of that.
04:07Right, that man.
04:09You search downstream.
04:10Craig.
04:12Upstream.
04:20I hope he hasn't got spots or anything.
04:23Takes the edge off your perseverance with the kiss of life.
04:26Maybe he could just hold his hand.
04:28Can you see anything?
04:31Just this great long prong on the bank scene.
04:34Can you see anything?
04:37Put your heads under, look for him.
04:44Don't stay so close together.
04:49No, stay back, stay back.
04:51Poor devil just gone under.
04:53Oh, dear.
04:55They will go in on four stomachs, you know.
04:57Worst thing you can do.
04:59Yeah.
05:01My own feeling is the poor chap was at the end of his tether.
05:05You get an instinct for these things, you know.
05:08I've had my chaps looking for him.
05:10Quite frankly, if he wants to go,
05:13is it fair to haul him back again?
05:22Oh.
05:24I, um...
05:26Oh.
05:27Ahem.
05:29I'll say.
05:32You've no need to bother.
05:34I found him myself.
05:36Oh.
05:54You great pillock.
05:59I have no regrets, I make no apologies.
06:02It was all done with the noblest intentions in the service of humanity.
06:05Well, I felt all right, Prawn.
06:08But think how you'd have felt if we'd saved his life, though.
06:10Saved his life? We nearly killed him.
06:12The cheeky bat nearly died of laughing.
06:15It was very embarrassing, Foggy.
06:17I don't know why you had to tell him.
06:19No, I wanted him to understand what a damn nuisance he'd been.
06:22Leaving his clothes, lying on the bank like that.
06:24Wasting the time of the rescue authorities.
06:27Not to mention exposing us all to extreme personal danger.
06:32Well, I thought you handled that dangerous dry land very well.
06:38Aye.
06:39You'll be in danger, all right. You ever do that again.
06:44I can't bear having my loins in cold water.
06:51Everything shrinks so.
06:56And we are not the rescue authorities.
06:58We're just three idiots getting wet on a purely private basis.
07:02It's all right. We're not exactly the rescue authorities.
07:05No, no. I'll grant you that.
07:07But we are something infinitely more precious.
07:10We are three private individuals with the right stuff in our veins.
07:13Not to mention pneumonia.
07:15Ready to answer the call whenever it comes.
07:18What call?
07:20The call of danger.
07:22Must be a wrong number.
07:24There you are, love.
07:25Oh, thank you, love.
07:33In the service of humanity.
07:40First aid kit.
07:42First aid manual.
07:44Flask of hot sweet tea.
07:48Aspirins.
07:49One torch and bandage.
07:52One torch and battery.
07:54Assorted splints.
07:56And emergency surgical instruments.
07:58I know, pal. I know, pal.
08:00What's these emergency surgical instruments?
08:04Well, at the moment, it's a Swiss Army penknife.
08:08And a bent spoon.
08:11Well, that's pretty comprehensive.
08:13Yes, well, you see, we can build our equipment up as we go along.
08:16But, I mean, these will do to get us started.
08:18Oh, absolutely. I mean, there's practically no emergency known to man
08:21that you can't alleviate with a Swiss Army penknife or a bent spoon.
08:25Hey, what I want to know is, where did you get that spoon?
08:31It's my old army spoon, madam.
08:33Yes, well, it had better be. Ours are all counted.
08:37Not that we begrudge the old spoon. In the service of humanity.
08:41I think the only part of humanity that wants servicing is that lot.
08:47They left to Florence Nightingale.
08:49I should think so, if all she had was a bent spoon.
08:58Hey, hey.
08:59Hey, there you are.
09:01Oh, it's the Fairy Queen.
09:05Where does he think he's going, dressed like that?
09:08Wherever there is need, madam.
09:10You'll get locked up.
09:13I shall become a figure of hope to all in Fane.
09:16Of course, as soon as practicable, I shall dress you too in the same uniform.
09:20Neat, but not gaudy.
09:22Wow, and ragged. The same uniform.
09:25He's not getting me in any Superman outfit.
09:29Well, he can't go turning up to the scene of an accident looking like that.
09:32He'll be upstaging all the victims.
09:36Superman is from Yorkshire.
09:38We should have known.
09:46God, it's scandalous.
09:48I mean, look at it.
09:50It's not an appliance in sight.
09:53God, it's typical.
09:56Absolutely nothing here you could use to rescue anyone with.
10:01What are you doing?
10:04You haven't really entered into the spirit of this yet, have you?
10:08Oh, you've noticed that.
10:10He ain't lost me.
10:12I know he's sought.
10:13He'd sooner push somebody in rather than have nobody to rescue.
10:19I don't understand all this apathy.
10:22Apathy?
10:23Apathy birthday to you.
10:27Happy birthday to you.
10:29I thought your experience in the river might have fired your enthusiasm.
10:34Oh, it did. It really fired our enthusiasm.
10:39We are in the rescue business.
10:41The noblest of professions.
10:43Saving decent little people.
10:46The others we can throw back.
10:50No, but seriously though, did it excite you in the water?
10:54Didn't you feel anything?
10:56I did. I felt something wriggling in my welly.
11:00Do you know what I felt?
11:02What?
11:05I felt useful.
11:08Just for once, we were doing something important.
11:11Helpful.
11:13And it came to me in a flash.
11:15So did that thing in my welly.
11:18I can envision.
11:19This is what we ought to be doing with our lives.
11:23Come on, on your feet.
11:24On your feet. You feel different when we've really rescued somebody.
11:28If it's all the same to you, Foggy, I had planned to fritter my life away harmlessly.
11:33Oh, not good enough.
11:35Yeah, well, I just thought I'd mention it.
11:37Oh, a man's got to have some purpose in his life.
11:40What's wrong with beer and funny women?
11:44Judging by the way you look, they're not to be recommended.
11:47Come on, get a move on. Keep your eyes open.
11:50We're looking for something that will help us to reach out to anyone struggling in the water.
11:57Right, now, if we find anything, we'll...
12:01We'll take it back to the canal side and leave it there, ready for any emergency.
12:06That's it.
12:09An old ladder?
12:11Yeah, well, we...
12:12We have to improvise, you know. We haven't got the resources available to the authorities.
12:17We have to make do.
12:19Yeah, well, the point that keeps occurring to me, Foggy, is that it's not exactly our ladder.
12:27I mean, nobody is claiming it's our ladder.
12:30We're not taking it to be our ladder.
12:33We're merely moving it so it becomes the general public's ladder.
12:37Or that portion of the general public which keeps falling into the canal.
12:40Now, come on, give us a hand with it.
12:42Come on. Right, keep it off.
12:45Oh, it's a scrap, Foggy.
12:48Leave the ladder.
12:50Leave the ladder. There's no time for that now.
12:52Come on.
12:57Oh, come on.
12:59Look at him, running about like a big girl.
13:04Any blood?
13:05I'm not going to look if there's any blood.
13:08Who's got the bag? Who's got the bag?
13:10You've forgotten the bag, haven't you?
13:12What about thee?
13:14Have I got to think of everything?
13:16Fetch the bag.
13:18Some poor devil's going to need that bag.
13:22Do you think there's going to be a lot of blood?
13:25A lot of blood?
13:29I hadn't really thought in terms of lots of blood.
13:33I've been aiming more for clean breaks, you know.
13:38Blood?
13:40Here, and don't leave the handbag lying around again.
13:45What's wrong with you two?
13:47We were thinking about blood.
13:49Here, give me the bag.
13:52I'm no stranger to blood.
13:55I like a bit of blood.
13:57I don't like pudding.
14:03Well, I do.
14:05Get a move on.
14:07I bet there's 14 dead.
14:09Hey, it were only a shunt.
14:12What do we need with 14 dead when we've got the town council?
14:22Here, does that look like 14 dead?
14:25Is there any blood?
14:27There's none.
14:29It's all under control.
14:31Foggy's approaching them with his handbag.
14:52I knew there'd be some blood.
14:55It's all gone now.
14:57You were right, Foggy.
14:59They said some poor devil would need treatment from your bag.
15:04Here, Liv.
15:05There's nothing broken.
15:07It's just squashed the end a bit.
15:13What were you doing running into somebody's fist like that?
15:16I was on an errand of mercy, madam.
15:18Oh, poking your nose into somebody else's business, more like.
15:24What are you doing standing there?
15:26Why do you get this urge to be motionless?
15:32Why is it that a million years of natural selection
15:35has produced a breed of men in these parts
15:38perfectly adapted to uselessness?
15:42You're driving me crazy.
15:48They say it's a mystery why a primitive man
15:51ever came down from the trees.
15:53Well, it's no mystery to me.
15:55If he were out like you lot,
15:57I'd expect the silly devil fell out.
16:09It's a trifle short on sympathy.
16:11Oh, but she stopped the bleeding.
16:13Oh, it wouldn't dare.
16:15There's no flannel with your Ivy.
16:17Well, not exactly straight, you know.
16:21Is it swollen?
16:22How does it look?
16:24Terrible.
16:26Worse than that.
16:28No, no, they're having you on, Foggy.
16:30They're having you on. It's really quite horrible.
16:35No, it's not, is it? It isn't.
16:37Oh, don't panic.
16:39It was never much of a nose, anyway.
16:42It was a classical nose.
16:44Oh, God, me nose.
16:46I was very happy with that nose.
16:48It was sort of early George Sanders.
16:52Yeah, well, it's more like Colonel Sanders now.
16:57Oh, yes.
16:58That's real Kentucky Fridays, that.
17:02I'm glad you find it amusing.
17:04I don't suppose it's all that amusing.
17:07When you've been living in a little cafe like me all your life,
17:10you've got to be grateful for any little love you can get.
17:13Oh!
17:15Does it hurt?
17:17Of course it hurts.
17:18What I find appalling is that they struck me
17:21while I was under the Red Cross flag,
17:23you know, on an errand of mercy.
17:25Like shooting down the Flying Doctor.
17:28Because I couldn't retaliate, could I?
17:31You can't go around wielding your karate chop
17:33when you're under the Red Cross.
17:35Karate chop?
17:37That looks more like a lamb chop.
17:40By God, they'd have been in trouble
17:42if I hadn't been protected by the Geneva Convention.
17:45Come up, all's well that ends well.
17:47Would you call this ending well?
17:49It's a small price to pay
17:51if it's put an end to any ambitions you might have
17:54for serving humanity.
17:56Put an end to it?
17:58You don't think I'm going to be deterred
18:00by the first little setback?
18:04Give us a tea, sir.
18:05And me tea.
18:07Oh, and one for the lady with the lamb.
18:15Leave it alone!
18:17It's nothing to do with you!
18:19Leave it alone!
18:21It may be your stretcher, sir,
18:23but we saw him first, dammit.
18:25We were getting in first aid
18:27almost before the man had fainted.
18:29Get out!
18:31Forget it!
18:33All of it! Forget it!
18:35I'm fine!
18:37You understand? I'm fine!
18:39Get him out!
18:41Out!
18:43Out!
18:45Out!
18:47Give him back!
18:50Open this door!
18:52Open the door!
18:54We pay for our tickets!
18:57What are you going to do
18:59if you have a real disaster in there?
19:01Are you going to handle it by yourselves?
19:03What, all three of you?
19:07That's the trouble with the medical profession, you know.
19:10Terrified of a skilled amateur.
19:14Ooh!
19:17Ooh-hoo!
19:40Why don't you take it off?
19:41Take it off?
19:43They think you're the cabaret.
19:45Take what off?
19:47The matron's outfit.
19:49They're making a spectacle of herself.
19:51Oh, listen to this.
19:53Advice on what to wear
19:55from Yorkshire's Barbara Cartham.
19:57You're embarrassing folk.
19:59Who am I embarrassing?
20:01Oh, him!
20:03Well, I wouldn't say embarrassed exactly.
20:05It's more like hoping that everybody understands
20:07that we're not actually related.
20:09Well, he's embarrassing me.
20:11What do you look like?
20:13Masculine.
20:15Rugged.
20:17Thirsty.
20:19Oh, definitely thirsty.
20:21Look, I haven't finished this one yet.
20:23You can't go thrusting a sore nose
20:25recklessly into a strange glass.
20:27Heh-heh-heh!
20:29Look at the way he sucks that.
20:31Just like my Auntie Connie's canary.
20:33I didn't know your Auntie Connie had a canary.
20:36Oh, yeah.
20:38She got it because she's scared of living on her own.
20:40Oh, that's very sensible.
20:42You wonder why more lonely widows don't think of that.
20:45Getting themselves the protection of a vicious canary.
20:48You're trained to kill, is it?
20:50You know, one of your deadly Doberman canaries.
20:53She keeps it for gas leaks.
20:56She's terrified of gas leaks.
20:58Why didn't she get an electric canary?
21:01Because she's poor.
21:03We're all poor in our family.
21:05That's because you never went to work.
21:07Listen, Elsie.
21:09When you're making a living being poor
21:11it's very difficult to find the time to go to work.
21:14That's an interesting viewpoint.
21:16The Semonite family didn't go into poverty
21:18with their eyes closed.
21:20They really thought about it.
21:22We were very good at being poor.
21:24We were famous for it.
21:26You were famous for not going to work.
21:28That's why you were poor.
21:30No! I blame that on God.
21:32Oh, yeah, that's right.
21:34Go on. Typical. Blame the Conservatives.
21:38I remember when I was a young lad
21:40being slung out of this boozer.
21:42You didn't blame that on God, surely?
21:44Not exactly.
21:46I should hope not.
21:48You were always being thrown out of boozers.
21:50That's true.
21:52There was one very, very irritating habit
21:55that landlords cannot stand.
21:57What is that, we ask cautiously?
22:01Having no money.
22:03So, after I picked myself up off the floor
22:07and made a meaningful gesture
22:09in the direction of the taproom...
22:12Well, you do, don't you?
22:14I went for a walk up the hill.
22:16It were a full moon.
22:18Fascinating. Feels compelled to make meaningful gestures
22:21whenever there's a full moon.
22:23It were very bright.
22:26It were a lovely night.
22:28It was a bit too clear for ferreting.
22:30But you could see right down the valley.
22:33And I suddenly thought,
22:35there's that big fat moon up there.
22:37What am I doing down here with no money?
22:39Whichever way you look at it,
22:41that is the major snag with being poor.
22:43No money.
22:47And then I heard myself saying,
22:49hey, God, I hope you've got a convincing reason
22:52for me being Compost Simonite
22:54and not the Duke of Bedford.
22:57Or even the Duchess of Bedford.
22:58Or even the Duchess of Bedford.
23:00No, no, no, no, no.
23:02I've never had the slightest desire
23:04to be the Duchess of Bedford.
23:07Well, that's good news for the Duke of Bedford, isn't it?
23:12What am I finding here?
23:14How do, Wally?
23:16What's this then? Have I missed something?
23:18Hey, is it National Swiss Week?
23:21Sit down, if you're stopping.
23:24I might, if you're not going to start yodelling.
23:28He's not going to start yodelling, is he?
23:30Sit down. Nobody's going to start yodelling.
23:32Oh, they do, you know.
23:34The yodel. You can see it on television.
23:37They're not there two minutes before they start yodelling.
23:40Well, hang around, Wally.
23:42If you've got the time, we might get a drink.
23:45Keeps it in a little bottle round his neck, doesn't he?
23:51Very humorous, I'm sure.
23:53Hey, how's your anticonus canary?
23:55Oh, nicely, thank you, Wal.
23:57You knew about that, then?
23:59Oh, yes. She's famous for her canaries, her anticonus.
24:03I keep telling them.
24:05Keeps it for gas leaks.
24:07She's of a very nervous disposition, is my anticonus.
24:11Gets the gas poured out every time the bird falls asleep.
24:16To what do we owe the pleasure of this surprise visit?
24:20Yes, I've been wondering about that, Wal.
24:22How come Nora let you off the leash?
24:24No, she sent me out. It's her idea.
24:27I'm completely legit.
24:29It's turning out to be a really magical Tuesday.
24:34It comes as a complete surprise to me.
24:37There she was, shouting at me,
24:39saying, don't just stand there, go out and get some help.
24:43Help?
24:44Aye, so I'm here.
24:46What sort of help?
24:48Oh, she wants some furniture lifting.
24:51Well, Wal, do you fancy a drink?
24:54Oh, aye, there's time for a drink.
24:56Oh, blimey.
24:57She's not going anywhere.
24:59She's trapped under the bed.
25:02Trapped?
25:04How did you manage that, Wally?
25:06Just lucky, I suppose.
25:10She went under after a speck of fluff
25:13and she got back of a pinny-ooch on a spring.
25:16Come on, can't you lift the bed?
25:19It's our marriage bed, a damn great thing.
25:22A bloke can get hernia-struddling on his own with his marriage bed.
25:27Hey-up, Nora!
25:29Your worries are over, are they?
25:32Oh, my God, it's not him, is it?
25:35It is, I know them wellies anyway.
25:38How do, Nora?
25:40Keep away.
25:41You look very attractive, Olivia.
25:44Where's me husband?
25:46It suits you, you know, being fast under a bed.
25:49Get me husband! I want me husband!
25:52He's coming, love.
25:54He's showing Foggy his pigeon photos.
25:57Don't worry, don't worry, love.
25:59I'll have you out of there in two shakes
26:01of whatever it is I can get hold of.
26:05Oh, them wrinkles stop it.
26:09Oh!
26:11Oh, what are you doing here?
26:14You've no business to be here!
26:16Get away!
26:17Oh!
26:19Nora, for future reference,
26:21just be careful where you put your boot.
26:25Come on, get in there.
26:27Come on, get in there.
26:29Oh, and a bowtie, too.
26:31Where have you been,
26:33leaving me here at the mercy of every passing mania?
26:36Oh, she's very deceptive, is Nora.
26:39She's bigger than you think.
26:41Come on, get out of the bed, one at each corner.
26:43Come on, jump to it.
26:44Yes, well, O'Neill, what's a four-pointer think
26:47in my bed, really?
26:49Oh, well, if you keep quiet about it, Nora, we will.
26:52Lift, now, lift.
26:54Why, this is some sort of bed, is this?
26:57Oh, you need some stamina for a bed like this.
27:01Oh!
27:03Oh, no, no, no!
27:05You're not putting me back!
27:07Get out!
27:09No, no, no!
27:11I am finished with you!
27:13Go on, go on, get off!
27:16Oh, come along, then.
27:18Stop hanging behind.
27:20If you're going to be efficient,
27:22we've got to practice our rescue drill.
27:24Right, come on.
27:26That's the way.
27:42Oh, you see what an excellent piece of rescue equipment
27:45you've got, Hanson.
27:47Oh, get on with it.
27:49Why me? That's what I want to know.
27:51Why me?
27:53Oh, don't worry about it.
27:55We've got all the responsibility.
27:57You'd hate it here with all this responsibility.
28:00I'll come back and strangle the first one
28:02that steps up, I tell you.
28:04Get on with it. Nobody's going to step off.
28:07You've got by far the most interesting job.
28:10You can tell by his face
28:12that he's got the most interesting job.
28:15Put the ladder back!
28:17You! The ladder!
28:19Put it back!
28:21What's that fool doing away from his house?
28:24I think he's trying to tell us something.
28:27Hey, you silly little sod!
28:45Hey, buggy! You're locked in.
28:47There's some fella wants to rescue you off the roof.
29:45THE END