Foggy convinces Clegg and Compo that starting a dog-walking business will be no work at all since they are already going on daily walks ... But it turns out to be more of a workout than anyone imagined
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00:30I wonder if my life would have been different if I'd been taller.
00:34Of course it would.
00:36Instead of being short and scruffy, you'd have been tall and scruffy.
00:40And longer holes in your trousers.
00:43They are quite long enough.
00:45I could have probably married Mabel Stoddart if I'd have been taller.
00:49But as it was, her father didn't think I was suitable.
00:52Well, of course, we are both astounded at that piece of information.
00:57I mean, we would never have imagined that anybody's father could ever find you unsuitable.
01:03Hey, Dewdrop, get knotted.
01:07Very suitable.
01:09Fathers do have a tendency to be unromantic about their daughters' love life.
01:14They're at that critical age, ready to deny such hoary fundamentals as a belief in crease-resistant trousers.
01:25Did her father ever tell you why he thought you were unsuitable?
01:28No.
01:30He never spoke to me personally.
01:32I'd call at their house, and he were always just going out.
01:36Whatever the time of day there, he was just going out.
01:40I wonder why.
01:42I've never seen such a bloke.
01:44Just going out.
01:45I'd say I'd do to his back if I were quick.
01:47I'd do Mr Stoddart!
01:50Gone.
01:52That's very disheartening, eventually talking to people's backs.
01:57Well, maybe you wouldn't have liked his front a lot.
02:01The world's full of people with fronts it's difficult to like a lot.
02:11Who did marry Mabel Stoddart?
02:14He married some yak during the war.
02:17Just because he had two pips on his shoulders.
02:21I often had two military policemen on mine.
02:24I didn't go around gobbling about it.
02:29You were never really the warrior class, were you?
02:33You've got something deeply civilian about those legs.
02:38It's me trousers. They never fit.
02:42Why?
02:44Don't know.
02:46Must be habit.
02:48Imagine Mabel Stoddart somewhere in America.
02:53With blue hair.
02:56Married, possibly, to an orthodontist, whatever that is.
03:01I wonder if she ever misses real life.
03:07Isn't an orthodontist something to do with teeth?
03:12I can't help thinking it serves them right.
03:16Hey, look.
03:18Somebody's made a right bog up of sharing that shit.
03:22They're supposed to be quite intelligent dogs, actually.
03:25I bet they'd have to be dressed like that.
03:28I bet they'd get a lot of stick from cheeky Mongols.
03:35Nothing wrong with the dog. Looks very smart.
03:38I suppose if he were there, there'd be Blanco in the poor little bagger.
03:42I bet it's cleaner around the house than your ferrets.
03:46My ferrets are Austrian.
03:49They're in the wrong damned house, then.
03:52It's not the kind of dog you'd ever feel comfortable with in draft beer circles.
04:00Fifi! Fifi!
04:03Which one of you two answers to the dog?
04:06Which one of you two answers to the name of...
04:10Fifi! Come here, you stupid twollop!
04:15Have you seen a dog?
04:17What make?
04:19What make? With a name like Fifi, it's an Irish wolfhound, naturally.
04:27It went that way.
04:29Towards the water?
04:31Yeah.
04:32My God, is it deep?
04:34No, it's just a few inches. It's quite shallow.
04:37It would be.
04:39It can swim, can't it?
04:41Swim? How do I know?
04:43All I ever see it do is eat flaming toffees, lick the wife and pee all over my geraniums.
04:49Well, that's better than licking the geraniums and peeing...
04:53How do they expect you to get attached to any damned thing that knows no better than to go around licking your wife?
04:58It's they that takes it for a walk, though.
05:01I get no choice. I get ordered out.
05:04But if it's her dog, why doesn't she take it?
05:06She's fatter than the doggies.
05:08She spends all her time chomping toffees, too.
05:11Mind you, she's great at keeping people from coming to the house.
05:17Well, I'd better go find that dozy bitch.
05:20I thought they left her at home.
05:25Oh, yeah, we'd keep him around for laughs.
05:28And fashion notes.
05:30He wouldn't think life was so funny if he had to go walkies every day.
05:38Walkies.
05:41Where are you, Doug? Nice dog.
05:45Come here, you stupid bitch!
05:48It was a pleasure to see someone happy at his work.
05:51Well, he should have kept it on the lead, shouldn't he?
05:53What? How would he like to be fashioned to a thing like that?
05:57I wouldn't mind.
05:59Not on a proper commercial basis.
06:02You know, if we were being paid for it.
06:06I've got an idea.
06:10There must be hundreds of people like him
06:13who'd seize the opportunity to have their pets exercised by a competent third party.
06:19Now, where are you going?
06:22Come back. It's a great idea.
06:26No, no, no, no!
06:29There isn't even any work involved.
06:32None? None.
06:34Don't let him lie to me, Norm.
06:37Don't let him get me involved in anything with any work in it.
06:41You're not afraid of hard work. I'm not?
06:43Of course you're not. Are you sure?
06:45You're afraid of even easy work.
06:47That's a true!
06:49Ha-ha-ha-ha!
06:51For a minute, I thought you'd mixed me up with somebody else.
06:54Who's going to mix him up with anybody else?
06:57Everybody's got to double.
07:00Oh, God.
07:03And don't scratch the wall this time.
07:06How come it was me last time? You're holding one end, you know.
07:09Yes, and I was holding my end off the wall.
07:12Just a moment, just a moment.
07:15Can't have ladies struggling while men are present.
07:18No, it's all right.
07:20No, look, just open the door. That'll do fine.
07:23No, no, I won't hear of it, madam. Kindly lower your end down.
07:26No, it's all right. Please don't bother.
07:29Oh, if you make your flaming minds over that end, this thing's heavy.
07:32What's they got there, Harvey?
07:34I've got some idiot in the way, as usual.
07:37Merely trying to be of assistance, madam.
07:40Oh, all right. Carry it if you must.
07:43Oh, what the hell's going on?
07:45Oh, I've got this childish urge to get me foot out from underneath it.
07:49Oh, don't just sit there. Come on, me foot's stuck.
07:52Ready? Let's have a look.
07:54Don't put your weight on it.
07:58What's I got there, Sid?
08:00Seems to be only useless beggar maidly.
08:02There's no need to adopt that attitude.
08:04Sid, Sid, Sid, what's in the box?
08:07It's a self-assembly modular high-impact and stain-resistant unit.
08:11Get away!
08:13I still don't know what's in the box.
08:16Here, I'll give you a hand.
08:18Get going.
08:20To you, a bit. To you. All the way. All the way.
08:23To your left. To your left.
08:29Come on, come on. Grab hold of something.
08:31Right.
08:35It's all right, Harvey. It were an impulse.
08:38You don't have to marry me.
08:40Stay there and don't move.
08:43Hey, Harvey, look.
08:45Oh!
08:48Hee-hee.
08:50What's that doing there, Doc?
08:52Just catching the passing moment.
08:54Oh.
08:56I can be doing with Sid, but the man has absolutely no sense of direction.
09:00Now, now, open it carefully.
09:02I am opening it carefully.
09:04Yeah, but I don't want it scratching before we even start.
09:06You started already.
09:08Yeah, but you can't just go digging in like a lunatic with that screwdriver.
09:11Well, pass me something sharper, like your tongue.
09:14It must have taken years before you learned to work together as smoothly as that.
09:19Come on, drink up.
09:21They're not the only ones with work to do.
09:23Ey up, I thought I said there isn't any work involved.
09:26There won't be any work involved.
09:32Good God, I mean, you can't call it work taking a little animal for a stroll.
09:36How little?
09:38Well, it can't be all that big, can it? I mean, dogs aren't all that big, are they?
09:41Big dogs are.
09:43Some of them are even tall.
09:45Sid, it's not a question of size.
09:47You see, you have to dominate them.
09:49It's a question of control. They respond to a firm hand.
09:52So does Ivy. She grabs it by the collar.
09:55It's worth it, though.
10:02The question is, would you trust your pet with the midget haystack here?
10:09And the answer is no.
10:12I think we'll keep you out of sight while Clegg and I are opening negotiations with our potential clients.
10:17If it's all the same to you, Foggy, I'd love to go with him and be kept out of sight
10:22while you open negotiations with our potential clients.
10:25I'd love to be kept out of sight, wouldn't you, Norm?
10:27I would, I would.
10:28Yeah, I love you.
10:29Nonsense. Nonsense.
10:30We should cover twice the ground with both of us knocking on doors.
10:33Now, you take this side of the street.
10:35Knocking on doors.
10:36Now, you take this side of the street. I'll take the other.
10:38Now? Right now?
10:40Well, of course, right now. Why wait?
10:43Oh, give us a second and I'll think of something.
10:48I don't understand you.
10:50I present you with this brilliant scheme and...
10:54You see, there's not even any capital expenditure involved.
10:57They'll all have their own dog leads.
10:59Oh, I don't mind leads.
11:01Well, if they don't, all we need's a bit of string.
11:03No, not this piece of string.
11:05Nobody's having this piece of string.
11:07All right, if we have to, we'll buy a piece.
11:10I mean, what other way could you start your own business
11:13on just a piece of string?
11:18Oh, it's brilliant, I tell you.
11:20I mean, what do we do half the day, anyway?
11:22Stroll around the hills.
11:24Might just as well take an animal with us.
11:28You see how brilliant it is?
11:30Without the slightest change in our lifestyle,
11:33all of a sudden...
11:35we're in the money.
11:38And there's not even any work involved.
11:40That's right. Go on.
11:42Appeal to his better nature.
11:46If they're going to spend their life avoiding work,
11:48they're putting a buck into it.
11:50If a thing's worth doing,
11:52it's worth doing well.
11:54Oh!
11:55Come along, mate.
11:57Let's get on with it.
11:59Short walks, 50p. Long walks are found.
12:02Flat rate, purred dog, irrespective of size.
12:06We could be on the verge of something big.
12:09Beep!
12:29Beep!
12:30Beep!
12:33Beep!
12:34Beep!
12:51Er...
12:53Good morning, Madam.
12:55Have a look.
12:57Well, what do you want?
13:23Could we take your pet for a walk?
13:36Suit yourself.
13:37I don't mind if you don't.
13:38I want to be at work with you, and I haven't got the luck to slightly drop one today, haven't
13:52we?
13:53How do you do it?
13:54Go on, explain to me how do you do it!
13:57I expected some flasher, but with little moustache, a real moustache!
14:00David Niven, I could have lived with David Niven, but what the hell is she saying, you?
14:05You must be a talker!
14:06That's it, isn't it?
14:07You're a talker!
14:08Big small Herbert, with the words!
14:09You must be a talker!
14:10Look at you!
14:11You're like a pair of empty long cons!
14:12Money!
14:13He must have money!
14:14Is that it, you swine?
14:15If you come back here again, I'm going to tell you!
14:16Every bit of you!
14:18I'll pay you a water bill tonight!
14:20If you come back here again, I'm gonna tear you into little crudely!
14:24Every bit of you!
14:42Jan Greydoaf was totally unreasonable.
14:45I had to leave.
14:46Ah, very fast!
14:49I had to leave very fast before me self-control snapped.
14:52If that had gone, there'd have been blood on that doorstep.
14:54Aye, is.
14:58How do, Wally?
14:59How do, Gumpo?
15:01You'd never think to look at him,
15:04that he was known as little laughing Walter Batty at school?
15:09I didn't know that.
15:10That's because I just made it up.
15:14What did they call him then?
15:15Inky!
15:16Inky Batty, I remember now.
15:19He were always covered in ink.
15:21It was like playing football with a piebald pony.
15:26He was always happy though.
15:29I think some of the magic may have gone out of his life.
15:35You know, I really hate big people who grab you by the throat.
15:39I thought you'd done judo in the army.
15:43Ah, yeah, well, I was posted before me got to throats.
15:47Mind you, I'll tell you something.
15:48If he had come at me with a bayonet by his jaws,
15:50that would have been a different story.
15:59I suspect you're wondering why I didn't grapple with him.
16:01Oh, no, we're not wondering, Foggy.
16:03We know quite well why you didn't grapple with him.
16:07Yeah.
16:09You're a talker, are you? A talker!
16:12No, that's it.
16:17No, well, actually, I just didn't want to touch the uncouth lout.
16:20You know, I hate being seen out in the street with people in their vests.
16:24You know, beer belly braces.
16:29You know, it's not exactly the sort of person you'd choose to grapple with.
16:33Nor of that is the sort of person I'd choose to grapple with.
16:37Don't tell us. Tell him. He's married to her.
16:40Looking well on it, isn't he?
16:44If ever he's looking for another home for her, he's promised me first refusal.
16:50I'm looking, I'm looking.
16:52Well, why don't you send her round?
16:54You know where I live.
16:55She won't come round.
16:58I don't know why you don't make yourself more attractive.
17:01Hey, I am more attractive.
17:05Before she'd marry me, I had to make myself more attractive.
17:10And like a fool, I did.
17:14You can't go tampering with nature, Wally.
17:17Just a bit of solid brilliancy, you know.
17:20Well, well-known aphrodisiac. You must have been irresistible.
17:24I was.
17:27Now, tell us, Wally, what's the secret?
17:31What does Nora like in a man?
17:34Total submission.
17:38Oh, that's great, Dorothy Butter.
17:41Why don't you follow the instructions?
17:44Your instructions are the printed instructions.
17:46You've got no idea.
17:47You wouldn't say that if you knew what I was thinking.
17:49Now, don't you start.
17:51It's terrible service round here.
17:53I know. I had to wait ages.
17:56Standing there feeling neglected.
17:59Might just as well have been at home.
18:02Well, didn't you ring the bell?
18:04No, I didn't ring the bell.
18:06I'd be gazape if you ringed the bell.
18:08Well, that's what it's there for.
18:10She takes every tinkle personally on that bell.
18:15That's ridiculous.
18:17It's merely a question of letting either know that customers are waiting.
18:20Oh, we don't mind waiting, Foggy.
18:22Right.
18:23Well, when you come to look at it, waiting's pretty interesting.
18:26Yeah, it's great, is waiting, isn't it?
18:28Yeah, people do it all the time.
18:30It's something biological, like fluff in your navel.
18:39Ring the bell.
18:43You ring the bell.
18:45Well, I'm perfectly capable of ringing the bell.
18:48If you ring the bell, I just want to prove to you people that you also can ring the bell.
18:52Oh, my God, you're useless.
18:54If you want anything doing round here, don't ask a man.
18:57You're all the same.
18:59If you don't like to take your trousers off to do it, you just...
19:06Very well, then.
19:08I'll ring the bell.
19:10Oh, dear.
19:16Give it here!
19:18Who's that now?
19:34Oh, dear.
19:37You have to laugh.
19:46Is that coming in, then, Wally?
19:48No, best go home. I'm late as it is.
19:51All right, see you then.
19:53Don't ring any strange bells.
19:55Oh, shut up.
19:57What does it feel like to be your own boss?
20:01Completely independent?
20:05Free.
20:07Oh, you wouldn't like it, Wally.
20:09Continual happiness can get anybody down.
20:12I suppose so.
20:16It must get very boring being happy all the time.
20:20Oh, it does, Wally. It does.
20:23Oh, cheer up, Wally. We're all in the same boat.
20:26You're lumbered with Nora, and we're lumbered with him.
20:30What are you talking about?
20:32And he's not as sexy as Nora.
20:34Cheer up, Wally.
20:36No.
20:38We've got to have a cup of tea, haven't we? We've got a business to get back to.
20:42If it's a cup of tea you're after, why don't you come up home with me?
20:46I find when I take a few friends home,
20:50Nora, she seems to forget all the jobs I'm supposed to do.
20:55Hey, that's a great idea, Walt.
20:59That's a great idea, Wally.
21:05God, that's great walnut cake, Walt.
21:08Oh, aye. Give her her due. She's good at walnut cake.
21:13Wally, Wally, I think I'm in love with your missus.
21:19Have some more walnut cake, then.
21:23Have you ever stopped to wonder
21:25if there are other beings watching us from out there?
21:31I think it's highly unlikely.
21:33Oh, I wish I was as sure as you are.
21:36Well, it stands to reason.
21:38If there was anything out there,
21:40they'd be doing their best to communicate with the more intelligent among us.
21:44I think it's highly unlikely.
21:46I wish I was as sure as you are.
21:48Well, it stands to reason.
21:50They'd be doing their best to communicate with the more intelligent among us.
21:54And I've never heard a word.
21:58Then you don't think that there are strange forms of life
22:01beyond our comprehension, watching every move us humans make?
22:05No.
22:08Well, in that case, I think your wife wants you, Wally.
22:12You think? Would you like to make sure?
22:15I should hate to go if it's not necessary.
22:18Arthur. Arthur.
22:22I want to congratulate her on her walnut cake.
22:25Oops.
22:40What a reaction you had there from Nora.
22:43Whatever did you say about her walnut cake?
22:45You can't take him anywhere.
22:47Why do you do things like that when you know she'll only hit you with a brush?
22:50That's if she cares.
22:52I like to leave her emotional and upset.
22:54That way she knows I've been.
22:57She may be indifferent to men,
22:59but when she sees me coming, she gets palpitations.
23:02Don't we all?
23:05Of course, it's taken me years to get her in this condition,
23:08but now, look.
23:11What happens when I press her front doorbell?
23:16Get away from her, you see!
23:18Get off me, Steve!
23:19She's getting all emotional.
23:21And don't come back!
23:23I can't believe that. She's just being hard to get.
23:25Well, it looks hard to me.
23:27I wonder how much mileage she gets out of one brush.
23:29He don't make brushes like he used to.
23:31This damn thing doesn't last two minutes.
23:33Only me can bring colour like that to her cheeks.
23:37What's he whispering about now?
23:39Is he talking about me legs?
23:41I won't have him talking about me legs.
23:44He's nearly full of Eastern promise, that's easy.
23:49If only we had a warmer climate.
23:51One good long hot spell and I could be whee!
23:58I sometimes think he's perverted.
24:01I am perverted.
24:02To North Sea gas, we all are, aren't we?
24:05Take him away.
24:07A man came with a big black van and disconnected my old appliance.
24:11Disconnected my old appliance.
24:15It wasn't anything personal.
24:17Oh, I'm glad about that one.
24:19Will you get a move on?
24:21Let's get back to business.
24:29Are you sure this dog walking business is a good idea, Foggy?
24:34I've never been more sure of anything in me life.
24:37You laugh at these doubts when the money comes rolling in.
24:40See, once you've got this thing started, we'll probably have to employ other people.
24:44The thing to do is to build on a firm basis locally and then we go national.
24:51We're going national.
24:53Will we like it?
24:54Of course you'll like it.
24:55We'll like it.
24:57You'll probably be walking dogs all over England.
25:00I'm not going to like it.
25:02No, you're not.
25:03All that way, I'm not walking perishing dogs all around England.
25:08We've got to become a household word for reliability.
25:12What's a household word for reliability?
25:15Boring.
25:18Then one day, it's going to happen.
25:22The phone's going to ring and it's going to be them.
25:25Them?
25:26The Royal Corgis.
25:29On the telephone?
25:32Not in person, no.
25:34You know what that means?
25:36Sharp teeth in the ankles.
25:39It means the Royal Warrant.
25:41Buy appointment on our letterheads and in with a chance of the OBE.
25:45I like it.
25:48W.C. Dewhurst, OBE.
25:51Mr. W.C. Dewhurst, OBE.
25:55Sir Walter Dewhurst, OBE.
26:00Of course, privately amongst the household, I'll still be known as Foggy.
26:03Foggy.
26:05Has Foggy come back with the corgis yet?
26:08No.
26:09Good man.
26:11They've never been so healthy.
26:13What is so good?
26:16Sunday for me is early morning mist and Foggy out with the corgis.
26:21Morning, Mark.
26:22Hello, Foggy.
26:24No dogs.
26:25Sprightly?
26:27Very sprightly.
26:28Only for God's sake, keep him out of the way.
26:30Those trousers are treasonable.
26:33There it is.
26:34Exactly.
26:35And it's somewhere that didn't ought to be showing.
26:38We'll buy him out.
26:39We'll set him up in a tax haven.
26:41He can go to Bermuda.
26:42Breed ferrets.
26:54Here we are then.
26:57Customer.
26:58In there?
27:00Of course in there.
27:02Look at it.
27:03Substantial dwelling.
27:05Only can afford to have his dog taken for a walk.
27:07Yeah, that's where we've been going wrong, you know.
27:09We should have started more upmarket.
27:13But it's a dangerous dog.
27:16Not when you're taking it walkies.
27:18You just dangle a lead and you say walkies and they behave like idiots.
27:24Speaking of behaving like idiots.
27:32Come on.
28:02He's certainly exercised his time, you know.
28:15Got the other hand of it.
28:17Don't you think that we ought to show our appreciation for the person who invented dog walking?
28:22Oh, show him, Norm.
28:23Go on, show him.
28:28Can't expect to get it right first time.
28:33Come on, Norm.
28:34Come on.
29:02Come on.
29:03Come on.
29:04Come on.
29:05Come on.
29:06Come on.
29:07Come on.
29:08Come on.
29:09Come on.
29:10Come on.
29:11Come on.
29:12Come on.
29:13Come on.
29:14Come on.
29:15Come on.
29:16Come on.
29:17Come on.
29:18Come on.
29:19Come on.
29:20Come on.
29:21Come on.
29:22Come on.
29:23Come on.
29:24Come on.
29:25Come on.
29:26Come on.
29:27Come on.
29:28Come on.
29:29Come on.
29:30Come on.