First broadcast 16th May 2018.
Jon is joined by Josh Widdicombe and Suzi Ruffell to address worries around the home - are people sleeping badly? Is it possible to be bored? Are people loading their dishwashers incorrectly? They won't solve anything, but they will rank them according to severity in a nice tiered system which helps Jon's nerves.
Jon Richardson
Josh Widdicombe
Suzi Ruffell
Simon Durrant
Richard Gadd
Jon is joined by Josh Widdicombe and Suzi Ruffell to address worries around the home - are people sleeping badly? Is it possible to be bored? Are people loading their dishwashers incorrectly? They won't solve anything, but they will rank them according to severity in a nice tiered system which helps Jon's nerves.
Jon Richardson
Josh Widdicombe
Suzi Ruffell
Simon Durrant
Richard Gadd
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I'm going to play a little bit of the song, and I'm going to play a little bit of the
00:31Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worry, the show where I break
00:39down all the world's anxieties and sort them in order of severity.
00:42I'm sure on the other side of the globe there's a TV show called something like
00:45No Worries!
00:46Well, this is more like So Many Worries, I Don't Know How to Cope
00:49unless I rank them all in order.
00:52Here's where all my worries live. This is my Worry Index.
00:56worry in it has been categorised and ranked following decades of thorough analysis. Anything
01:02you see in there that's red has been classified as a severe worry, amber ones are moderate
01:06worries, and anything I consider to be a low worry is a sort of jade. Let's take a closer
01:12look at a couple of them, starting with a low worry. I worry I'll never get the theme
01:17to this show out of my head. It's catchy, isn't it? So was the plague. It started off
01:26as a useful way of suppressing all the harrowing thoughts in my subconscious and now it's starting
01:30to replace all the other more important information, like how to cross roads safely. If I'm going
01:35to go being hit by a lorry, I don't mind, but I'd rather my last words weren't do-do-do-do-do.
01:41We've also got severe worries in there, like this one. I worry that Bitcoin will replace
01:46currency. It doesn't feel as safe to me as money in the bank. If we all decided to take
01:51our money out of the banks tomorrow, there's no way the cashier would reply, I'm sorry,
01:54but you might as well have asked me to fill this sack with unicorn jizz. Whilst I understand
01:59that leaves you unable to pay your mortgage and destined to spend the rest of your life
02:02on the streets, I'm afraid there's absolutely nothing I can do-do-do-do-do. So that's a
02:08glimpse into what's already in the worry index. Tonight we're going to be logging some brand
02:12new worries, all of which are related to the home. They say home is where the heart is,
02:16it's also where you're most likely to be burgled, involved in a serious accident, or
02:20watch back-to-back episodes of Rude Tube and wonder where your life has gone. Please make
02:25my guests feel at home tonight, they are the superb Susie Ruffell and Josh Whittaker!
02:29Hello. Thanks for coming. Thank you for having us. These are the worries I've already filed
02:48into the worry index before you arrived this evening. Blimey. I think that's sort of average
02:53day, isn't it? Yeah. Can I ask you why you're worried about dial-up modems? I'll be honest,
03:01I know the technology has surpassed, but I really liked the noise. It was nice to know
03:06you've connected to the internet, and now I just feel like we take it for granted without
03:10that five minute, we're now, we're now, brrrr. Finally I can look at a picture of some boobs
03:16in two days. Susie Ruffell, I have a Susie Ruffell related worry that I need to discuss
03:22with you before I put it in the index. My Susie related worry is this one. I worry Susie Ruffell
03:28is not as nice as she seems. I'm not? We know each other a bit, I'm very fond of you, except I was
03:33stalking both your Twitter accounts to get to know you better. I saw you'd retweeted a TV guide
03:41extract that gave a description of you that I'll be honest I found slightly worrying, so here it
03:45is. Rob Beckett at the Comedy Store, tonight's host is the big teeth Rob Beckett, bit harsh,
03:49he's joined by the racist Susie Ruffell. This is the main area of concern. I'll be honest, I wasn't
04:02thrilled about that, either. Not denying it so far though. So what happened is this was a stand-up
04:10show and I did a piece of material on the show where a few years ago I was on a very busy bus,
04:15and two elderly Chinese people got on, they sat either side of me, and I turned to one of them
04:20and said, would you two like to sit together? And then she said, we don't know each other.
04:24So I did that material and then apparently they were meant to call me the accidental racist,
04:41but someone made a mistake. Josh, tonight's topic is the home. I was trying to work out how I could
04:48make you feel most at home. Oh yeah? I think you would be most at home sometime in the mid-90s.
04:52Yeah, you do a 90s football related podcast. You claim to be able to identify any character from
05:00neighbours. If you give me a 90s character from Neighbours, I can tell you who played the part.
05:06Oh, I see. Helen Daniels played by Anne Haddie. Next.
05:10Next. Caroline and Christina Alessi. As played by? The actresses. Oh, it was the bizarre coincidence.
05:27So that's Caroline and Christina, but the actresses were called Christina and Caroline.
05:32It was the opposite way round. Complete bullshit. That's Gail and Gillian stroke Gillian Blakely.
05:42And finally, Paul Robinson, Steph and Dennis. Lovely. I need this. To win the car. I don't
06:00know who it is. I think that might just be Steph and Dennis's wife in real life then. Oh, you wish.
06:06That's Gail Robinson played by Fiona Cork. Oh man, I'm not going to be able to open a bottle of wine
06:14without thinking, fucking Fiona Cork. Just screw top for you from now on. Still, commendable effort, Josh Whitaker.
06:23So tonight we're going to discuss some of my new worries related to the home before we log them away inside the index.
06:32You will help me decide once we've discussed them how seriously I should take each worry.
06:36Tonight we're worrying about the home. Here is my first worry. When I'm at home, I worry I'll never again feel the sweet sensation of boredom.
06:44I feel like I look back on my life and I'm sure there were times when I would wake up and not have anything to do all day.
06:50And that seems to have gone now. There seems to be so much to do now later in life and there's so much of an evolution of smartphone technology
06:56that even the time I have, I don't realise because I spend it pissing around doing pointless things.
07:01When were you last bored? Properly bored? Like you, I mean. I'm a new father. Thank you.
07:10Three people cared. Twin daughters, Caroline and Christine. Played by.
07:20So obviously it's wonderful. We take that as rad, right? That's how I start. Don't get me wrong, it's the best thing I've ever done. However.
07:31So the baby, she gets bored if you sit holding her, but she's got that little going on that if you're walking around,
07:39she considers that entertainment. And obviously for the first five minutes I'm just enjoying the beauty of the love of fatherhood.
07:48But then I get bored. So the other day my girlfriend walked in to find me walking my baby forward and back,
07:54listening to a podcast about whether Princess Diana was killed in a conspiracy.
08:02Psychologists claim that being bored is an essential part of human development because it sparks creativity.
08:08In order to test that theory, I sent Richard Gad on a mission to achieve true boredom.
08:14Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pornhub, MySpace, Reddit, Pornhub, Google and Pornhub. With so much at our fingertips.
08:21Is it even possible to be bored anymore? YouTube, Netflix, Amazon, Snapchat, Pornhub, Rate My Face, Rate My Place, Chevy Chase.
08:29Pornhub. Have we lost the ability to think for ourselves?
08:32eBay, Pornhub, Uber, Grindr, Tinder, Thrinder, Minder, Judge Rinder.
08:37Does today's lack of genuine boredom leave us easily distracted?
08:43Boredom gives us time to think, to reflect, to process our emotions, to generate new ideas.
08:49It is well documented that Isaac Newton was bored beneath a tree when an apple fell on his head and he uncovered penicillin.
08:56And Alexander Fleming came back from a very boring holiday to find gravity all over his dishes.
09:01In short, boredom is the mother of invention. And I want to test the theory that it is essential for human progress.
09:08Which is why when John Richardson asked me to do this, I dropped everything in pursuit of the most boring environment imaginable.
09:15Milton Keynes.
09:17For the next few days, my bedroom will be transformed into a boredom box.
09:21It will be stripped of all my belongings, leaving no stimulus of any kind, in the hope the experience will result in a personal Einstein-level breakthrough of my own.
09:30Oh, sorry guys, I forgot to say, I need my bedroom for filming, so...
09:37Yeah, yeah, I understand, but with all due respect, you've only paid for one night in Airbnb and you've been here for six months, so...
09:48Here we are in my bedroom. As you can see, all of my items have been removed.
09:52Tablets, devices, consoles and other distracting stimuli.
09:57All toys of any kind.
10:03Any academic reading or books.
10:06OK, everything's good to go. Wish me luck.
10:11With cameras rigged to chronicle my descent into boredom, I was in this for the long haul.
10:17Nothing yet. Nothing yet.
10:21OK, come on.
10:25Can somebody tell me what's trending? Hello?
10:28You can do this.
10:29What's Donald Trump up to?
10:36Amazing!
10:37Oh, God.
10:39OK, so hot.
10:41Amazing!
10:42Oh, God.
10:44OK, so hot.
10:45Amazing!
10:47Amazing!
10:49Oh, it's hot. Oh, it's so hot.
10:54Amazing!
10:57Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.
11:00Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.
11:06Amazing!
11:08Amazing!
11:11Oh, God, that was awful.
11:13Oh, thank God.
11:16Oh, God, that feels good.
11:18You know you're only in there ten minutes.
11:21Don't make me do it again.
11:22Maybe boredom isn't the mother of invention. Maybe it is down to the individual.
11:26Perhaps Isaac Newton didn't make his discoveries out of boredom alone.
11:30Maybe it has something to do with his already healthy grasp of theoretical physics.
11:35And after all that time in that room, what did I learn?
11:37What did I learn?
11:39That amazing is a very confusing safe word.
11:42I've been Richard Garber.
11:43Oh, God, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run.
11:46Stop dancing!
11:55I started to feel like we should have paid him to do those.
11:59Do you think there's a link between boredom and creativity?
12:02Do you feel like if you had more time on your hands, you'd create better work?
12:05No.
12:07No, because I need a deadline.
12:10Do you feel like if you were just left to your own devices for ten years,
12:13you wouldn't write a better show than if I said,
12:15write me an hour of comedy in a week?
12:17I mean, I hope I would.
12:22My concern is that when I go to that place, I tend to tidy.
12:25So as a sort of obfuscation of thinking about things,
12:28I'll just find trivial things to do.
12:30I would look at pictures of new ways of tidying.
12:33One of the things you can do is sort your books, but by colour,
12:36so you end up with something like this.
12:38We've got that.
12:39You've never got that.
12:40Yeah, my girlfriend's mum's done it for our books.
12:43It's absolutely brilliant.
12:44It looks fit.
12:45I mean, it's useless if someone says,
12:47have you got One Day by David Nicholls?
12:49I don't know what colour it is.
12:50It's red.
12:51Occasionally, I'll be sat there and I'll think,
12:54I fancy reading a yellow book.
12:59Previously, I had to go with the yellow pages, but now...
13:04So let's file this away inside the Worry Index.
13:06We've had a good old chat about it.
13:08You tell me whether you think it's a serious problem or not.
13:10Up here are my serious worries.
13:12Papercuts, James Corden, loud children, Elon Musk.
13:17The big concepts of our time.
13:19For a very low worry, we want to go right down here with cleaning,
13:22which is a joy, and red wine, which is a joy.
13:24Pints.
13:25I mean, the main worry here is that there's not enough of these things.
13:29So I'm going to put it down here with somewhere like...
13:32Knitwear and offshore drift.
13:34That feels like a natural sort of home.
13:36I worry I'll never be born again. There it goes, a low worry.
13:42That's it for part one.
13:43Join us in a bit after I break the news to Josh
13:46that Neighbours has gone to Channel 5.
13:48We'll see you shortly.
14:03APPLAUSE
14:05Welcome back to Ultimate Worry Award.
14:07Tonight we're looking at worries exclusively to do with the home.
14:10So let's take a look at my next worry.
14:13I worry I'm bad in bed.
14:15I worry you're bad in bed as well.
14:18Oh, definitely.
14:28This is not actually supposed to be about sex.
14:30So thank you for besmirching my honour.
14:33No, obviously I'm great at the shagging, I've done all the shags.
14:39No, this is a concern that I'm not good at,
14:41is the other things you're supposed to do in bed, namely sleep.
14:44I don't think I'm a good sleeper.
14:46I'm certainly not a good dreamer.
14:48I think I'm having the wrong dreams.
14:50I prefer a nightmare to a dream, if I'm honest.
14:53I fucking love a nightmare.
14:56It's like getting to go to the cinema but you're in it.
14:59You have to start in a blockbuster every night.
15:02I wake up so alive, the world is such a disappointment.
15:05There's no fucking zombies in here, what's the point of this?
15:09Do you like a nightmare?
15:10I don't really have nightmares.
15:12I've started for the first time having recurring dreams.
15:14I love a recurring dream because that's deep psychological shit going on.
15:18I'm an expert on this, I tell you.
15:20So the only dreams...
15:21Impotence. Oh, sorry, I'll wait to see.
15:24I always have a recurring dream that is just a normal day.
15:30That's just your life.
15:32And then I'm naked.
15:35It's like a situation like this and I'll just go,
15:37oh, sorry, I'm naked.
15:42So I'll be at the supermarket and I think,
15:44oh, sorry, I'm naked.
15:48It's a great catchphrase.
15:51I'm going to talk you through some of my best ever nightmares.
15:55I'm slightly worried that talking about dreams
15:57isn't as exciting as it might be,
15:58so I'm going to illustrate some of them for you.
16:00This one, you've got to imagine, somehow London has flooded,
16:03so all this is underwater.
16:05That's not the big news.
16:07Amanda Holden's a sub-aquatic vampire.
16:12So is this one of your dreams?
16:14No, that bit's real.
16:17We're all up here on a sort of pier or jetty
16:20and I've been told, look, somewhere down in the cityscape,
16:22Holden's down there and she's killing people
16:25and you're the one that needs to go and deal with her.
16:28It's such a clear memory that I was peeking around the side
16:31of this sort of abandoned car park,
16:33Holden's come round the other fucking side of me!
16:37I turn around, vampire Holden!
16:40And then you go, oh, sorry, I'm naked.
16:43Next dream, abandoned toilet cubicle,
16:46blood all over the floor here, this is all blood.
16:49There's a fucking knife murderer on the loose.
16:51Me and my mum are trapped in this toilet cubicle.
16:56Did you know the knife murderer was coming
16:58before you and your mum went in the cubicle together?
17:02APPLAUSE
17:09We join the dream, Mother and I, at a fleeing knife murder.
17:14That's not where we hang out.
17:16That's a normal dream, right?
17:18I'll ask the sex expert, sleep expert!
17:21So one of the reasons I think I don't sleep as well as I might
17:24is the fear of what other people will do to me,
17:27because sleep is, of course, the most vulnerable state you can be in.
17:30I also spend a lot of my life watching videos
17:33of people doing things to one another.
17:36That sounds worse than it sounds.
17:40I sort of feel like, in terms of life karma,
17:42I deserve to have this sort of thing happen to me.
17:44This is the sort of thing that I watch a lot of and particularly enjoy.
17:48Friends destroying the pleasant sleep of other friends.
18:00HE SQUEALS
18:07HE MUMBLES
18:10LAUGHTER
18:16By the way...
18:22HE MUMBLES
18:24LAUGHTER
18:28Look at you laughing! You're loving it!
18:31I would not have laughed like that man laughed.
18:34I would have been livid.
18:36Do you know what? That really pisses me off, that kind of behaviour.
18:39Why are you so out of order?
18:41I'm not!
18:45Why?
18:47I think that should be a restable offence.
18:49Once you've fallen asleep, do you find that either of you
18:52get up to any activities in the night?
18:54Do you talk in your sleep? No.
18:56So there's an app you can download which is called a Sleep Talk app.
18:59And what you do is you put that by your bed
19:01and it records you while you're asleep.
19:03So it basically kicks in if at any point noise is made.
19:06It's quite a serious app.
19:07It's supposed to help you learn your sleep patterns.
19:09It tells you in the morning how long you've been in proper sleep for.
19:12What you can do is, if it hears a noise,
19:14you can upload that to the app and people can listen to them
19:17and talk about what sort of noises you're making in your sleep.
19:20My issue with that is that I would wake up, look at it,
19:24and I'd be like, oh, I said something in my sleep,
19:26and then it would be the voice of a child ghost going,
19:29I'm here, I'm here.
19:32I'm not saying that child ghost voices aren't a possibility on the app.
19:36I have listened to almost every uploaded sound on there
19:39and I'm yet to discover one.
19:41Mainly what you find is stuff like this.
19:43This is the most popular clip as uploaded by the Sleep Talk app.
19:48Ahem, ahem.
19:51Bzzz.
19:54Bzzz.
19:55Fucking hell.
19:58Go and open the window, Gary.
20:02That's, er, that's...
20:04Do you know what annoys me about that?
20:07Why does Gary have to open the window when she did it?
20:13I'll be honest, if it's farts you're into,
20:15there's an hour of your life that you won't spend any better.
20:18But there's also, there's obviously beyond farts,
20:20there are people who talk in their sleep.
20:22Yeah, yeah.
20:23And some of these are absolutely incredible.
20:25This is the first clip of someone talking in their sleep.
20:28Mushy peas, mushy peas, mushy peas.
20:31Mushy peas, mushy peas, mushy peas.
20:33Mushy peas.
20:36Mushy peas.
20:38Mushy peas, mushy peas.
20:40Mushy peas.
20:42Mushy peas.
20:44Mushy peas, mushy peas.
20:46Mushy peas, mushy peas, mushy peas.
20:49Mushy peas, mushy peas, mushy peas.
20:51Mushy peas.
20:53That's a TV first there, I think.
20:56Erm, possibly, I was going to say possibly my favourite,
21:00but I'll be honest, all the farts are my favourite.
21:03And then beyond farts, this is just unexplainable.
21:09HE GASPS
21:18It's a fucking Wumble in the bed.
21:20LAUGHTER
21:22It's a fucking Wumble in the bed.
21:34Wumble in the bed there.
21:36APPLAUSE
21:41So why do we fart or cry Wumbles in our sleep?
21:44To answer that question and a couple of possibly more serious ones,
21:47please welcome sleep expert Simon Durrant.
21:50APPLAUSE
21:55Nice to see you, Jack.
21:57Nice to see you, Jack. Nice to see you.
21:59Erm, why do people get up to so much when they're asleep?
22:02They're talking and obviously people walk about and do stuff.
22:05You have different types of sleep and most of this fun stuff
22:08happens during deep sleep, can you believe?
22:10So deep sleep means it's really hard to wake people up.
22:13So some people are just a bit more active,
22:16so they actually can start getting up, they start walking around the house.
22:19Some people have actually gone and driven in their sleep,
22:21which is a bit worrying because all the evidence we have
22:24suggests that you can't actually see either,
22:26you're just doing this from memory.
22:28Who are the people who sleep best?
22:30People who are absolutely relaxed, fundamentally.
22:33So...
22:34Not the sort of person who would host a show where they list all their worries
22:37and rank them all in severity?
22:39Probably not, Jon, no. How do you sleep?
22:42I'm not great, I'll be honest.
22:44I think I probably get about six hours on a good night
22:47and I think that's all right.
22:49I feel like six is fine to function, isn't it?
22:51Seven hours is optimal, yeah.
22:53If you get less than seven hours, you begin to cut a few years off your life.
22:56You get more than seven hours, you begin to cut a few years off your life as well.
22:59Really?! Yeah.
23:02I didn't know it was so precise.
23:05Who started this bullshit rumour about eight then?
23:08Everyone's saying it's eight hours, no?
23:10Yeah, no, seven hours.
23:13So once you drift off, what's the point of dreaming?
23:16Why do you start dreaming when you're asleep?
23:18Different theories on this.
23:19A crazy guy called Calvin Hall, who had way too much time on his hand,
23:22catalogued about 50,000 dreams
23:24and he found that it's kind of like Hollywood movies,
23:26that there are basically only sort of three different dream plots,
23:29most of which involve chasing people.
23:31Most dreams are also actually negative,
23:33so he thought maybe this is an evolutionary adaptation
23:36and you can actually practice escaping from bad things in your dreams.
23:40Oh, so we're training for real-life environments.
23:43So when Holden does go rogue...
23:45Exactly so!
23:49John, I believe you've been working on this one.
23:53It's been fascinating to know that I need more sleep
23:55as a genuine thing for my health.
23:57I'm going to start taking it a lot more seriously
23:59and it's great to know that I'm actually in training
24:01for military manoeuvres at night.
24:03Ladies and gentlemen, thank you to our sleep expert, Simon Doran.
24:06Thank you.
24:11So we're going to log this worry now into my worry index.
24:14I'll be honest, that shot up. I'm putting it right up there.
24:16High blood pressure is probably the sort of thing it should go near.
24:20It's worse than sticky doors, mate.
24:24Worse than sticky doors?
24:26Well, it depends why they're sticky, but like...
24:30Oh, but then to be fair, YouTubers are total wankers.
24:34So between unordered bookshelves and YouTubers, let's put it there.
24:37I worry I'm bad in bed.
24:43OK, that's it for this part.
24:45I'm genuinely going to have a little power nap
24:48and see if I can't stick some ears on the end of my life.
24:50I'll be all right, won't I? See you after the break.
24:56APPLAUSE
25:07Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
25:09where tonight we're looking at worries to do with the home.
25:11Susie, have you got a worry you'd like to suggest
25:13to put on the worry index?
25:15Yes, I am worried that I have brought something haunted
25:18into my house.
25:20Seems like a legitimate worry to me. Yep.
25:23What is the object?
25:25So, I was on holiday with my girlfriend.
25:28There was this man selling puppets on the beach.
25:33I admire you for holidaying in Blackpool.
25:37Where were you? I was in Sri Lanka.
25:39Right, OK.
25:41And the one that I saw was like this cute little puppet
25:44of like a little monkey.
25:46And I was like, oh, that's sweet.
25:48Anyway, the day before we left, she went and very sweetly
25:51bought one for me.
25:53And what she did was she bought me the most terrifying puppet
25:56you have ever seen. Yes.
25:58It's horrible. Yeah, I like it.
26:01I like it.
26:03The man said it's a witch doctor.
26:05What? Yeah.
26:07Which I found more scary, so instead I call it Clive.
26:12I believe we have it here. Clive is with us.
26:15Thank you. Oh, wow. I'll take it.
26:17I'll take Clive. Yeah, there's Clive.
26:19Yeah. I've picked this up straight away.
26:21What shit has Clive got up to so far?
26:23He picked this up straight away. You know Jim Henson, mate.
26:29Yeah, that's the scary bit.
26:31His mouth... His mouth disconnects.
26:35Hello, Susie.
26:37Clive likes living in your house.
26:44I wonder if Clive is the breakout star of this series.
26:48I'll be honest, it's a slightly freaking-looking puppet.
26:51It doesn't feel that nice, but this is all horseshit, isn't it?
26:54There's no such thing as ghosts and spooks.
26:56I don't understand the idea that ghosts would be malevolent.
26:59I think most people you meet are all right.
27:01Why, when they suddenly died, would they come back
27:03and just try and piss you off?
27:05Because they're dead!
27:07It was not my fault.
27:09To my knowledge, I'm yet to kill people.
27:12Susie, tell the story about when we almost got haunted in the hotel.
27:16I mean, almost has never been a keyer word.
27:20For quite a few years, I supported Josh on tour.
27:23Emotionally.
27:25And we once stayed in a hotel, and I arrived at the hotel
27:29and I looked and I thought,
27:31this could be where The Shining was shot.
27:33I'm in the hotel room, and it's creepy.
27:36I'm really, really scared, and I get a phone call
27:39on the... not on my mobile, on the room phone.
27:43And he just went,
27:45Hello, Raffle, I appreciate this isn't really in your job remit,
27:48but I'm terrified. Will you share my room tonight?
27:55Oh, Josh!
28:01I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you something
28:04that if you put it next to Clive,
28:06you will come to see Clive as quite attractive.
28:10So, Jon, please bring on my gift for Susie.
28:13Here's my Jon's.
28:17Nice outfit.
28:22I've had this specially commissioned for you.
28:24Is that you? That's me, yeah.
28:27It's Clive! It is!
28:29Is that how you see yourself?
28:32Do you know what the sad thing is?
28:34Your forehead's even bigger than that.
28:37I just think if you have that horrible thing
28:39hung on your bedroom wall,
28:41Clive's are just a cute little...
28:43I'm never sleeping again.
28:48So, let's file your worry
28:50that you've brought something haunted into your house.
28:52You think down.
28:54So, a low worry, but a greater worry than swimming pools.
28:57I think Clive's as scary as the lads.
29:00No, that's how Jon refers to his testicles.
29:04So, we're saying a low worry, but a topper end.
29:07All I'm thinking about is where I'm going to put this in my flat.
29:10I've totally zoned out the game.
29:12Well, then, it has to go next to house envy.
29:14There we go, your fear that you have brought something haunted
29:17into your home. There we go.
29:23Josh, do you have a worry for the Worry Index?
29:25I do. This is not like a joke. I'm genuinely...
29:28None of this is a joke, mate.
29:30This is Jon's life. It's serious business.
29:32Sorry, yeah. No, this is a genuinely thing I've been worrying about.
29:35So, I moved house about six months ago,
29:37and I've got two cats, Eddie and Beryl.
29:40And they've had to re-establish territories,
29:44and they're being tormented, because there's cats next door
29:47already in ownership of our garden, our new garden.
29:50I worry my cats are being terrorised by the neighbours' cats.
29:54I'm going to try and get on board.
29:56What?! I had to buy a water pistol.
29:59I had to buy a water pistol...
30:02..to fire at the neighbours' cat.
30:05Like a super-soaker?
30:07Like a super-soaker. It's pump action.
30:09It's pump action, right? Of course it is.
30:11But, obviously, I pre-pump it, cos I haven't got time.
30:13The cat's fast, right?
30:16Is it just by the back door, hung on like a proper stool?
30:19No, well, mate... Just all night, like that, waiting.
30:22I did have it in the kitchen, but then people would come round,
30:25and they'd be like,
30:27So I've got it handily in the garden.
30:29You open the door, it's there, bang!
30:32But then...
30:34..the other day, the neighbourhood cat was in our garden.
30:38I thought, here we fucking go, bring it on, Tiddles, right?
30:42I opened the door, it was during the snow,
30:44my water pistol had frozen.
30:48I'm proper picturing you in, like, a hat,
30:50like, out there going,
30:52SHE'S JAMMED, SHE'S JAMMED!
30:55So the idea is, you squirt the cat,
30:57and it learns to leave your garden alone.
30:59Yeah.
31:00Is the idea that your garden alone will be your cat's territory,
31:03or once your cats get...
31:04No, once we've got my garden, we're taking Austria.
31:08Do you hold it up and go,
31:10everything that life touches is your kingdom?
31:14I'll be honest, I'm trying to sort of look like I care.
31:17I just think all cats are pricks.
31:19Whoa!
31:20So what you're saying is,
31:21I've got a cat that wants to go out and be a prick in my neighbourhood,
31:24and it can't because there's a bigger prick next door.
31:26That's all I'm hearing.
31:28Why are all cats pricks? Sorry?
31:30Oh, I mean, how long have you got?
31:33I'm surprised Beryl and Eddie get on, to be honest,
31:35cos from what I've seen,
31:36cats don't even like each other round the house.
31:38Here's a bit of cat-on-cat crime.
31:41BIRDS CHIRP
31:51They're just dicks.
31:54So what's the solution to this worry, then?
31:56I've got an idea of what I think it is.
31:58Oh, yeah?
31:59Here is a gift for your cats
32:01that I think, if you use properly,
32:03will stop your cats getting any grief.
32:05So, John, please bring on the gift
32:07and then book the table at the curry house.
32:10There's a couple of little outfits.
32:12Oh, yes!
32:14So here, we've got a picture so you can see
32:16what the cats will look like when they wear their outfits.
32:20Oh, brilliant!
32:22That is amazing.
32:24I'll tell you what, those cats aren't getting any grief.
32:26Oh, thank you so much.
32:27You've been next door, yeah?
32:28I thought they were weak, those cats,
32:30but it turns out one's a pirate, one's a bloody sheriff.
32:36Oh...
32:41So...
32:43Let's log this worry.
32:45I'll let you guide this, cos they're your cats.
32:47I'm happy for it to be at the bottom, cos it's solved.
32:49Solved the problem. Right, right at the bottom, then.
32:51Let's get right to the bottom. Let's find the...
32:53Go on, there we go, the lowest problem of all,
32:55Josh's cats!
32:57Thank you so much.
32:59Wonderful. Well, that's it for part three.
33:01Join us after the break.
33:11APPLAUSE
33:17Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier.
33:19Time now to take a look at one last worry from the home.
33:22What is it?
33:24The worry that people don't understand the implications
33:26of loading the dishwasher incorrectly.
33:28Come on, mate.
33:30I say people, I mean this is a wider societal problem,
33:32I'm not referencing anyone in particular,
33:34certainly not anyone I live with or am married to.
33:37So let me stress that clearly from the beginning,
33:40this is not a targeted attack on my wife.
33:43I mean, there's a right and a wrong way to do everything.
33:46Loading the dishwasher is a perfect example.
33:48There are serious consequences if you don't load the dishwasher correctly.
33:52We'll get on to some of those later.
33:54To begin with, do you have dishwashers?
33:56Mm-hm. Do you load them correctly?
33:58Yeah. Yeah. Confident with that?
34:00Yep. Yeah. We'll find out later.
34:03Do you agree with me that this is a concern?
34:06Yes. No.
34:08I couldn't give a shit.
34:11So I think you might be part of the problem?
34:14The only thing I do that I implement clearly
34:17is obviously cups, bowls, anything concave,
34:21faces down so that it doesn't get water trapped in it.
34:24OK, that's base level, that's good.
34:27We have here a video that someone's taken
34:30of the inside of a dishwasher.
34:32I don't think they perhaps thought this clip
34:34would ever be used on television,
34:36but they probably didn't think I was going to get my own show.
34:39So I'll just talk you through what I consider to be
34:42some of the key points of loading a dishwasher while that video's going.
34:45Straight away, lovely.
34:47Plates, back left, nice even spread on the plates there
34:51so that you've got full access of the water.
34:54Bowls to the left here on the thinner section.
34:57Slight tilt forward on the bowl, as you can see there, of course,
35:00to allow the water coming up to really get under that lip there
35:03and clear off any residual cocoa pops or rice.
35:07Cutlery facing up here, this is a key issue.
35:09I think they've nailed that for the most part.
35:12Slight worry I have, you can see there,
35:14the propeller arc is coming here.
35:16We're not getting into the rim of this corner cup, are we?
35:19So do be aware as you're stacking right into the corners of the dishwasher,
35:22you're not always going to get full cleaning.
35:25Other than that, guys done quite well, nine out of ten.
35:28APPLAUSE
35:33I really feel for your wife.
35:36I think a lot of people do.
35:38Do you know what? Amanda Holden's right about you.
35:42You've both been kind or foolish enough
35:45to send me a picture of the inside of your dishwasher.
35:48Really regretting it now. As I am the authority.
35:50You were quite confident when you were sending it in,
35:52you were confident off the top.
35:54I was very cocky, mate, I'm going to be honest.
35:56Bridgerton can have this.
35:58Let's have a shot of the ruffle washer.
36:00I'll deal with some of the issues with the pointer.
36:04Full extender there, so I don't have to get up.
36:07You've done very well.
36:09You've got your cups and your things up on the top shelf.
36:11I can see what my problem is, Jon.
36:13Go on. Oh, I can see it.
36:15Can I answer, please? Please do.
36:17Step up, draw on the board, enjoy yourself.
36:19Can I draw on the board? You can draw on the board.
36:21That little squiggly line.
36:23Tell you what you've done wrong here, mate.
36:25The keys are facing downwards.
36:33For bonus points, and to still be with a chance of winning the car,
36:36Josh, why is that a problem?
36:38Because most of the dirt will occur on the business end
36:41of the knife or the fork,
36:43and so you need that facing upwards,
36:45so it's not touching the plastic,
36:47which would stop the bit that's touching the plastic...
36:49Keep talking, keep talking, I like it.
36:51Keep talking, keep talking.
36:53Then you've of course got the situation
36:55where improper rinsing has occurred,
36:57and perhaps you've got a grain of rice or a raisin
36:59still stuck to the spoon or fork.
37:01Yeah, and then when you're unpacking it,
37:03num-num, little tree.
37:05That's really upset me.
37:09I don't think I did a good job on mine.
37:11Well, let's find out.
37:13Oh, this is a joke.
37:15All clean? All clean, yeah.
37:17So what's the problem? What's happening here, mate?
37:19Some noise and stuff.
37:21Upside down.
37:23Just slagged air off for it, didn't you?
37:25I'll point out the two big problems, if I may.
37:29We don't put wood in the dishwasher.
37:31It's the other big problem
37:33that you weren't loved as a child.
37:37How do I draw that?
37:43This is absolute catastrophe, this.
37:45What's that?
37:47That's a pint glass just resting
37:49against your knives and saucepans there.
37:51Do you want to die? Do you want to die, Josh?
37:53How am I going to die from that?
37:55I'm glad you asked.
37:57First and foremost, what you're going to find
37:59is these glasses are going to get brittle
38:01over time with the washing.
38:03That's clearly tipped.
38:05It's going to smash into a fork or a plate
38:07as you've got stacked here.
38:09The glass is going to break.
38:11That piece of glass is going to fly, fly, fly around
38:13and you're going to have problems.
38:15I don't get in with the dishes
38:17when I'm washing it.
38:25I'm going to show you now why these things are a life and death situation.
38:27First and foremost,
38:29one of the minor issues you're going to encounter
38:31in the dishwasher world, residue on the food.
38:33I'm not going to blame the members of the public
38:35for this, I don't think we're at fault
38:37because the manufacturers that sell the dishwasher tablets
38:39use the lasagne dish as a way of saying
38:41look how good the tablets are.
38:43Bit of residual food trapped under there.
38:45It doesn't get washed properly.
38:47It's left to putrefy overnight.
38:49You use that dish the next time.
38:51You've got three week old peas and carrots in there.
38:53You're dead.
38:57Next up, dirty mug.
38:59Guest comes round.
39:01You've not cleared the residue of a mug.
39:03That needed a pre-scrub really.
39:05So that's been through the dishwasher.
39:07All it's done is moisten the filth.
39:09You hand that dirty mug to a colleague.
39:11They never come round to your house again.
39:13Death by loneliness.
39:15It's a real problem.
39:17Two glasses side by side.
39:19Bang into each other, they smash.
39:21The glass is smashing around inside the dishwasher.
39:23Winnicombe's all cocky.
39:25I'm not climbing in the dishwasher.
39:27What's happening is that glass is getting ground down.
39:29Every impact's getting ground down.
39:31You've got tiny shards of glass
39:33lining the inside of your cups and plates.
39:35You then eat the food inside those cups and plates.
39:37Glass inside your body.
39:39You don't need me to tell you this.
39:41Death by anal bleeding.
39:45Well, we're going to fire this worry away.
39:47I've come round to it, you know.
39:49It's a big problem?
39:51Moderate.
39:53Yeah, I can see your point.
39:55I think you're overly worried about it.
39:57No.
39:59Come on, mate.
40:01Sometimes I like to entertain the guests
40:03and you can swing me round.
40:05Sometimes you tell me something's a moderate worry
40:07and I can ignore you and put it straight on the top shelf next to oven cleaning.
40:09There we go.
40:11Incorrect loading of the dishwasher.
40:15Well, we've got time for one more quick worry
40:17from our audience this evening.
40:19Where is Alia Fernandez?
40:21Hi.
40:23What's your home-related worry?
40:25I worry that me and my boyfriend
40:27have an unnecessary large number of pants.
40:29You've got too many pants?
40:31Yeah.
40:33Do you share?
40:35Probably over 100 each.
40:37Can I just check?
40:41Are you counting a pair as one or two?
40:45So you both have 100 undergarments each?
40:49Yeah.
40:51What?
40:53Do you scare easily?
40:55100 each?
40:57Where do you keep them? In a separate house?
40:59We have separate drawers for them.
41:01You can't fit 100 pairs each in a drawer.
41:03Yeah, they're not that big, are they?
41:05Oh, I...
41:09I've got an awful image of the boyfriend now.
41:13How many pants each did you have before you met?
41:15It's such a weird thing.
41:17It was you, I reckon.
41:19It's so odd that both of you have got this same quirk.
41:21Is that how you met?
41:23No, it was definitely you, wasn't it?
41:25You introduced me to changing pants throughout the day.
41:27It's just nice, isn't it?
41:29You change pants throughout the day?
41:31This is a different thing.
41:33Sometimes you've got to keep digging to find the truffle.
41:35There it is.
41:45At what point during the day would you look at each other and say,
41:47quick pant change?
41:51Nip upstairs before Emmerdale and change the old pants?
41:53Do you get more than one pair a day?
41:55Not all the time, but, you know,
41:57if it's like a weekend, you've got a bit of spare time,
41:59just change them.
42:01Oh, do you know, I'm starting to feel weird now.
42:05Christ, I've had this pair on for 12 hours.
42:07I mean, obviously, you have too many pants,
42:09so that is a red worry.
42:11However, the fact that you're changing them so regularly,
42:13I've sort of come to admire about the pair of you.
42:15So I'm going to file it away simply as a moderate worry, Arlia,
42:17that you have too many pants.
42:25That's it for today's Ultimate Worrier.
42:27Is there anything I've been able to teach you,
42:29or show you this evening, that you're going to take with you when you leave?
42:31Genuinely?
42:33No.
42:35No, I won't, honestly.
42:37I will use those dishwasher skills.
42:39I genuinely, that has stuck with me.
42:41Thank you.
42:43I want that big painting.
42:45You've got that big painting.
42:47Great.
42:49One of my Johns is currently at your house,
42:51nailing it above your bed.
42:53Ladies and gentlemen, thank you to my guest,
42:55I, for one, have learned this this evening,
42:57I've learned that home is where the heart is,
42:59but it's also where Susie's puppet is,
43:01and bully cats, killer dishwashers,
43:03and sub-aquatic vampire Amanda Holden.
43:05So I'll leave you with this warning,
43:07please don't have nightmares,
43:09because if you don't get exactly seven hours sleep tonight,
43:11you're going to die!
43:13Goodnight!
43:25Goodnight!