Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. S02 E06. People.
First broadcast 7th August 2019.
Jon Richardson
Josh Widdicombe
John Robins
Holly Walsh
Anthea Turner
Sandra Wachter
Jon Richardson
Josh Widdicombe
John Robins
Holly Walsh
Anthea Turner
Sandra Wachter
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00🎵
00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:33Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worrier,
00:36the show where I discuss all of the world's worries
00:39and then file them away neatly for future reference.
00:42The really troubling worries I categorise as severe,
00:45the lesser ones are medium, and the milder ones are lemon and herb.
00:49This is my worry index.
00:51It's home to millions of worries,
00:53all of which have been categorised and ranked
00:55following decades of thorough analysis.
00:57And this week, we'll be looking at some brand-new worries
01:00exclusively to do with the theme of people.
01:03Now, just imagine if half the world's population
01:06was suddenly wiped out.
01:08It's nice to have a dream, isn't it?
01:10Coming up tonight, I'll be discussing skilled people,
01:13touchy-feely people, and, if we have time, M people.
01:16Then, at the end of the show,
01:18I'll be coming face-to-face with my ultimate worry
01:21over there in my worry lab.
01:25It's less Iron Man, more Ironing Man.
01:28But before we get to all that,
01:30please welcome my guests for tonight,
01:32Holly Walsh, John Robbins and Josh Whittaker!
01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:47Hello. Hello. Thanks for coming.
01:49It's a show about worrying.
01:51Do you think this might be a cathartic experience for you?
01:55Well, I was worried that people might think
01:58I was advertising New Balance,
02:00because I've got their logo on my shoe,
02:02but, as the costume department have made clear
02:05by adding a tiny piece of white tape,
02:08we're legally in the clear.
02:11Because now I look like a guy in New Balance trainers
02:14who's got a tiny piece of white tape on him.
02:17It's not technically illegal.
02:19It looks like if your mum went out to buy New Balance
02:21but bought slightly the wrong brand.
02:25And Josh, a family man now, a father,
02:27has that ramped up your worries?
02:29Are you a worrying man? Are you a calm man?
02:31I don't think it has. I think it's ramped down my worries.
02:34I used to worry about big things, like my immortality,
02:38but once you have a baby, you can quite happily be dead.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:45I can never be woken up.
02:47Well, it sounds like there's no downside to that.
02:50Let's get things under way with our first worry of the night,
02:53and it's your worry, Holly, which is...?
02:55Mine is I am worried that greetings are just too complicated these days.
03:01So, being confronted with someone for the first time?
03:04Yeah, I find it really difficult,
03:06and I think it's genuinely more difficult for women than men,
03:09because there's like a handshake that's very straightforward.
03:13And, like, handshakes are fine for women,
03:15but there's often a hug and a kiss,
03:18and I'm a terrible height, I'm five foot three,
03:21so if I ever mess up that kiss and hug situation,
03:26I always end up just necking someone,
03:28and it's giving them, like, a tiny little love bite.
03:31It's just really creepy when you've just met someone.
03:34That's just weird.
03:35I don't understand why we don't just standardise it.
03:38There should be rules, certainly in the workplace,
03:40like you get out of swimming baths,
03:42no hugging, no air-kissing, no heavy petting.
03:45Veruca sock on the hand.
03:47Veruca sock on the hand.
03:48Like, one kiss, two kisses, you know,
03:50there's so many sort of variations on a theme
03:53that everybody else just seems so comfortable with,
03:56and I don't understand.
03:57But some people are so confident with it,
03:59sometimes they'll go for the kiss, you go in with one kiss,
04:02you clearly withdraw, and they'll go,
04:05So I lean in, and I just whisper so no-one else can hear,
04:09I love you.
04:12Would you say you're a good shaker of hands?
04:15Never had any bad views.
04:17Sure about that?
04:18I've got a picture of you meeting snooker idol Steve Davis.
04:22Right.
04:23Let's have a look at what I think.
04:25Oh!
04:27What are you doing to the poor man there?
04:30What have I done there?!
04:35Was he about to kiss your hand?
04:37That's the sweetest thing I've ever seen, and also creepy.
04:40I've just remembered the first time I met John Robbins.
04:43Oh, this story never ends well for me.
04:47The first time I met Robbins was in Edinburgh in 2008.
04:50Yes, got all the hallmarks of a bad story.
04:54And I met John outside the Brass Monkeys pub,
04:57and John went like that,
04:59and I panicked, I genuinely kissed his hand.
05:05Oh, God, I don't...
05:07Do you know what? That's been repressed for ten years.
05:10And seeing that picture of Steve Davis has brought it all flooding back.
05:14So before the show, I set you the task of looking into greetings
05:18and awkwardness and see if there's anything we can do
05:21to sort of standardise this and avoid bad greetings.
05:24Yeah, well, luckily for me, there are copious internet videos
05:29of people kind of coaching you through how to avoid a hug,
05:32and one particular man I'm obsessed with, this guy.
05:35So he coaches people as to how to avoid a hug.
05:39So do you want to...?
05:41Hang out at a juggling event, I would say.
05:44OK, so... And the hugger?
05:46I want you just to go in for a standard, you know, big man's hug, OK?
05:51Oh, shit.
05:54So his whole thing is, you're going in for the hug and he's like,
05:57Hey, lovely to meet you.
05:59So that's the first one.
06:01And you end up kissing his hands.
06:05And the second one, you talk about the old diagonal one,
06:08people would come in like that, and then you just...
06:11Nice.
06:13You totally got to shut that down.
06:15I like that.
06:16The third one is the sneaky one, so they come in and they're like,
06:19oh, you know, give you a hug then.
06:21And then you just kick them in the balls.
06:23I don't think we need to run through that.
06:25APPLAUSE
06:27I like the high five.
06:29I think maybe it's a British thing,
06:31I think maybe we're particularly bad at it
06:33because there's some inbuilt part of our psyche
06:35that's just so uncomfortable about showing any affection,
06:38but other countries have got different ideas.
06:40Do you want to...? If I were to suggest some,
06:42would you two role-play this?
06:44Yeah.
06:45So you suggest the country and then we guess it?
06:47No.
06:48Does that get very problematic?
06:50No, no, no.
06:51I'm going to talk you through various different international greetings.
06:54Yes, please.
06:55OK, so if you two would like to stand up.
06:57So the first one, this is East Philippines.
06:59Yeah.
07:00Apparently you sort of do a fist bump on the forehead.
07:02That sounds like a punch, but...
07:04Sounds a lot like a punch.
07:06That's exactly what a punch is.
07:07So you do this, this kid here, these guys have got it down to you.
07:10Oh, so you don't do it at the same time?
07:12I guess you do one each.
07:13Whose fist goes on whose head.
07:14OK, so you fist bump my forehead.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:20APPLAUSE
07:23I like that one.
07:25The next one is the one which you probably all remember from being kids,
07:28the Inuit greeting.
07:30The nose?
07:31Yeah, but apparently it's a bit more complicated than that.
07:33This is the guide, it says,
07:35they greet loved ones by pressing the nose and upper lip
07:40against the forehead and then suck in, like breathe in,
07:44and causing the skin to be suctioned against the nose and upper lip.
07:50Suck the forehead.
07:52Suck his forehead.
07:56LAUGHTER
07:58Is that right?
08:00Hello to you as well.
08:02I swear to God that'll be on Pornhub before we ever meet.
08:08OK, and then the last one,
08:10I am totally cool about different cultures greeting,
08:14but this one I think I'd struggle with.
08:16Doesn't sound like it from the way you've said it.
08:18In India, to show respect when greeting someone,
08:21you should touch somebody's feet.
08:23Let's all say hello to each other.
08:25OK.
08:26Shoes is fine, though.
08:27No, I think it's barefoot.
08:29Oh...
08:31Wait a minute, have a bang on these, mate.
08:38When did that sock go on?
08:40It went on this morning, what do you think I am?
08:43Do you know what, I'm willing to go,
08:45but I'm going to just leave my socks on the end of my toes.
08:49It looks like a big slab of meat on now, now I look at it.
08:52I don't want John Richardson to see my toenails.
08:54Why, what's wrong with your toenails?
08:56Let's have a bloody look at them, mate.
08:58Shall we once?
08:59Shall we once?
09:00That's all right, it's a normal toenail, mate.
09:02This is like a kind of Victorian Pete toenail.
09:05That looks weird.
09:08All right, I've got my big toenail painted.
09:15This is the lamest strip show I have ever seen.
09:19Fine.
09:20Oh!
09:25That's like Andy Murray had gone insane.
09:29They do need cutting, I can...
09:31Oh, they are disgusting!
09:33Just touch my feet, give me some respect,
09:35so we can all move on.
09:42No-one touched my foot, no-one said hello to me.
09:44Hello!
09:51I genuinely looked at my feet this morning and thought,
09:54I need to cut those nails,
09:56but today's not going to be a day when it matters.
09:59They're not going to make me take my shoes and socks off on TV.
10:02I'll be honest, I found all that deeply unpleasant.
10:05And I have one more solution,
10:07which is something I've created for you.
10:09It makes you sort of appreciate the quaint Britishness of it,
10:12but if you really don't want to be hugged,
10:14I have made you this jacket.
10:17Oh!
10:18Which I think will... That should see off any risk.
10:21It's like a punk head chug.
10:23It's a real... I'm into this.
10:25Anyone going in for a hug with that...
10:27And it's just your size as well!
10:31It sort of also eliminates the handshake,
10:33cos they'll think, oh, she doesn't have any.
10:36So we're going to log the worry now.
10:38Oh, it squeaks as well.
10:40The worries, of course.
10:41I worry that greetings are too complicated.
10:43I think that, I mean, after that whole ordeal,
10:46there's no way that that isn't a severe worry.
10:48Yeah, that's a severe worry for me.
10:50It turns out handshakes are just the tip of the iceberg, to be honest.
10:53And I don't ever want to have to touch John Robbins' feet
10:56or have Josh Widdicombe's foot forced into my face again.
10:59So this is definitely a severe worry.
11:08That's all for this part.
11:09Join us after the break when we'll find out
11:11what's worrying Josh Widdicombe.
11:13See you in a bit.
11:16APPLAUSE
11:29Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
11:31where tonight we're looking at people.
11:33Josh, what is your people-related worry?
11:35Yes, I worry about offending people via text message,
11:40particularly WhatsApp.
11:42Right. It's easily done.
11:44Can you talk us through what your main worries are?
11:46It's the fear of sending a message to a WhatsApp group
11:50that's in full flow and silence.
11:56You mean inadvertently offending.
11:58You're not sending messages of you in, like, white hoods and stuff
12:00and going, why isn't anyone replying to my text?
12:03You've got to make sure you send that to the right WhatsApp group.
12:07See, I'm very frequently the one that kills the conversation dead,
12:11and I do it deliberately because I don't like the fact
12:13that these messaging apps have made conversations just go on forever.
12:17No-one ever shuts the group down.
12:19No-one ever says, this is done, guys.
12:21Well, you can't leave because then it'll announce,
12:24Josh has left the conversation,
12:26like he's stormed out of the Queen Vic or something.
12:29I was once in a WhatsApp group for a birthday party
12:33and the conversation moved on to, what is everyone doing tonight?
12:37And I was in the bath and I took a photo...
12:39Oh, I was in that group!
12:41I took a photo of myself and sent it saying,
12:43I'm just having a relaxing evening,
12:45but I didn't realise when you actually tapped on the photo and it went big,
12:48you could see about a millimetre of my penis at the bottom.
12:52So your whole penis?
12:54It was remarkable because it was just like,
12:57pew, Gemma has left the conversation, pew!
13:00Pew, Josh has left the conversation, ding, ding, ding, ding!
13:02It was finally good to get an out that time.
13:05This question's not on the cards, but I just wonder,
13:09whose fucking birthday was it and why wasn't I invited?
13:12It was Holly's, actually, wasn't it?
13:14Was it your birthday? Lovely. Did you have a nice time bowling?
13:17I was busy anyway, whenever I was.
13:19The worst thing is when you see someone is actually typing something
13:22and then they obviously just go,
13:24actually, no, I'd rather not say anything, I'll just...
13:27So you're like, oh, someone's going to chip in and save me
13:30and then they go, no, you're fine.
13:33I hate the whole thing, it's too transparent,
13:36and WhatsApp is too uniformly accepted.
13:38So in the past, I sort of knew my mum would text me,
13:42certain friends would WhatsApp,
13:44but your nana would always phone, and that would be it.
13:47And now everybody's on WhatsApp, there's too much danger of crossover.
13:51So I've done that, as in all situations, to calm myself down,
13:55a Venn diagram.
13:57So these are my key sort of groups.
14:00You've got wife group, friends group and family group.
14:03And where these overlap, you'll get certain...
14:05The middle here that they all get, every message will start with,
14:09sorry I'm late getting back to you.
14:11More often than not, sorry I kissed you.
14:15Sorry I missed you.
14:17The phone will go, are you sure you weren't sorry you kissed them?
14:20And then within that, you'll get satellite groups will form.
14:24So because of my wife, I have a satellite group,
14:27which is the NCT group, which is other people with kids.
14:31I'm not going to lie, I would have probably cut them adrift by now.
14:35I always think that's a weird thing about NCT,
14:37that you're basically friends because you all had unprotected sex
14:40on the same weekend.
14:42Can I just... What's an NCT?
14:45NCT is a scheme where if you're about to have birth
14:49at roughly the same time, you have classes to teach you
14:52not to be a completely shit parent.
14:54I had a really awkward, genuinely awkward situation
14:57involving my NCT WhatsApp group.
14:59We all had kids at the same time,
15:01and so what we'd do is send people pictures,
15:03you know, when our kids arrived, our babies arrived, look at this.
15:06And I'd never used WhatsApp before I got onto the NCT one,
15:09and I didn't realise it saved photos to your photo stream.
15:13So my baby was one of the last ones to be born,
15:16so I got a photo of him and I sent it to all my friends and family,
15:19and it wasn't until after I'd sent it that I realised that wasn't my baby,
15:22that was...
15:24I'd sent literally everyone I know a photo of somebody else's baby.
15:28And I was completely forgot about it until about three months later,
15:31I went home and I saw exactly the same photo on my parents' mantelpiece,
15:34and I just...
15:36I couldn't tell them.
15:39Pictures of the children are there, this is all not going to soft play.
15:43Then you've got subsidiary friends group is the adult sticker collectors,
15:46and this is one we've sort of been in together.
15:48Is that World Cup stickers, though?
15:50Football stickers, Benini World Cup stickers.
15:52So, in theory, it should be every four years, but it's not,
15:55cos every now and again someone will encounter something sticker-related,
15:58and suddenly a Graham, who I don't even fucking know...
16:02I'll feel like...
16:04My phone's going apeshit and I just want to leave.
16:06You need to turn down the vibrate on your phone.
16:09I've been sticking up there so far.
16:13And then this is the real danger of WhatsApp,
16:15what you've also got is the one group that is so far satellite
16:18it must never cross any other stream, and it's right down here,
16:22and it'll be something like Stag Do 2016,
16:25and it's still every now and again a picture of a ball bag or something.
16:31If this touches any other group in here,
16:34if that gets into the friends and family,
16:36what shall we get Mum for Christmas?
16:38Not one of those, that was a separate thing.
16:40It wasn't my Stag Do, I didn't want to go there, I was just at the bar.
16:43I stayed dry the whole night.
16:46What I'm going to do is offer you a solution.
16:48There's no solution.
16:49There is a solution, and it's a GIF.
16:51I love a GIF, or as they call them in Spain, a jif.
16:56We're going to build you now a custom GIF, a GIF pack, if you will.
17:00You're going to say something as if it were a WhatsApp group,
17:03you two are going to stop laughing immediately and look very upset.
17:06You're going to look down camera five, Josh, as if to say,
17:09uh-oh, I've done it again.
17:10We're going to make that into a GIF, and then you've got that.
17:13Whenever you kill a WhatsApp group, you can pop your own personalised...
17:16Oh, wow!
17:17Sorry, guys. That is useful.
17:18I've done that thing I do again.
17:20So sorry that I've killed the conversation again.
17:23So five is rolling.
17:24If you want to laugh away, you say whatever you like.
17:26There's no sound.
17:28No, he has got a tall head, actually.
17:36So there we go.
17:37Beautifully acted as well, by the way.
17:39Thanks.
17:40I know you've got sitcom experience, but...
17:42Was that...? That felt real to me.
17:45That did feel very real.
17:47So that's gone off to the GIF factory,
17:49and I can tell you now, if you check in at the GIF shop,
17:51you'll find it's already been made.
17:53What's...?
17:59Do you know what, Jon?
18:00I'm never going to fucking use that in my life.
18:06What do you think that is?!
18:09Can you stop it?!
18:12Turn it off! Stop it!
18:14But you cut out me and Holly.
18:16It just looks like he's shitting himself.
18:19Jon! Jon!
18:21Right, we're going to log your worry now,
18:23and the worry is, I worry I'm offending people over text,
18:26and I'm going to reveal to you now, Josh,
18:28that I'm going to classify that as a moderate worry.
18:31No! What?!
18:32While the risk is severe, I've given you the solution.
18:36And you have to accept that when, as we are,
18:38we're on the coalface of edgy, shocking comedy,
18:41I mean, you and I, pretty satirical, pretty brutal,
18:44you've just got to accept the bloodbath every now and again.
18:47Guys like us, we're going to overstep the line,
18:49and if the man can't deal with that,
18:51then you slide in your only Joshing in.
18:54I'm going to log that as a moderate worry.
19:02Is that the bottom centre?
19:04Yes, this morning.
19:05Is that the TV show this morning, or something you got up to this morning?
19:08That's this morning.
19:09I had a really bad morning, went down for breakfast.
19:12I'm supposed to be vegan, but I had a cheeky egg.
19:18And a guy busted me and said,
19:20oh, you can have an omelette if you like.
19:22And I said a sentence that I've never hated myself more.
19:25I said, I shouldn't actually be having an egg.
19:31It's well up there with the most I've ever hated myself.
19:34So, that's all for this part.
19:36Join us after the break when we'll find out what's worrying John Robbins.
19:40See you in a bit.
19:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:45Coming up on Ultimate Worrier...
19:47Left hand underneath an accelerator.
20:00Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
20:02where tonight we're looking at people worries.
20:05John, do you have a worry for my index?
20:07I do have a worry for your index, John.
20:09I have a worry that all my heroes are dead.
20:12And not only are they all dead,
20:15but I'm too old to make new heroes now.
20:18Who are we talking? Who's your biggest...?
20:20The big dead ones.
20:21Jesus.
20:22Jesus.
20:24But is he dead?
20:26The ultimate murder mystery.
20:30A 2,000-year-old saga.
20:32Mercury.
20:33So, Freddie Mercury.
20:34Big one.
20:35I know you're a big fan of Freddie Mercury.
20:37You frequently wear queen T-shirts to feel closer to him.
20:40Oh, hello.
20:41There you are.
20:42Is that a straitjacket?
20:45I think it's the opposite of that.
20:53I think I can see a millimetre of your penis as well.
20:57Is this resonating with any of you?
20:59What, is that resonating?
21:00Well, not the image, no.
21:02The idea of having heroes.
21:04Are most of your heroes still knocking about?
21:06Yeah.
21:07Yeah, most of them are still alive, I think.
21:09But you're a football fan, right?
21:10Yeah.
21:11So, as a kid, I supported Liverpool.
21:13I had posters on my wall of, like,
21:15Ian Rush, Bruce Grobbelaar.
21:17Alive.
21:18Harder to get hold of than you think.
21:19I know, but they were older than me.
21:22Whereas now, like Trent Alexander-Arnold,
21:25I can't worship someone who was born
21:28after the introduction of the two-pound coin.
21:32I'll tell you what, it's a hard rule, but you've got to have one.
21:36The sort of stereotype of your idols
21:38is people always talk about dream dinner party.
21:40I think a dream dinner party puts a lot of pressure,
21:42cos I always assume I'm hosting,
21:44and that means I'm going to spend a lot of time in the kitchen,
21:46I'm not going to get to speak to my guests.
21:48So my ideal scenario to have my idols
21:50would be a lock-in at my dream pub,
21:53The Dog and Bastard.
21:56So I've taken the liberty of building
21:59what I think that lock-in would look like.
22:01Me and my favourite people at The Dog and Bastard.
22:03Where's the landlord?
22:05There he is.
22:07I'm worried that the pint makes me look tiny.
22:10It looks like that bit in Lord of the Rings where they go,
22:12It comes in pints!
22:18First guest to arrive at The Dog and Bastard is...
22:21Marcelo Bielsa.
22:23The cheating Leeds manager.
22:25He's not remotely a cheat!
22:27He's the guy who sent the people to watch the opposition practising, right?
22:30He didn't cheat, he didn't break any rules,
22:32and he only did what all of the managers were doing,
22:34they just didn't have the guts to admit it.
22:36Next guest to arrive is...
22:38Rick Stein.
22:40Oh, yeah.
22:42That's the noise I want.
22:44Do you remember when he sent those spies over to Sunday brunch
22:47to see what they were cooking?
22:49Yeah, a lovely man, having a lovely old chat.
22:51You just want to know what he's saying instantly, don't you?
22:53Yeah, but you're vegan now, so you're not going to be able to ever...
22:56No, I don't think he'd like me.
22:58I mean, you can take that as a given for all your guests.
23:02Let's find out who's next.
23:04Oh, yes.
23:05Dawn French.
23:06Next guest to arrive, having a lovely cup of tea,
23:09you'll all recognise this lady.
23:11Hannah Hawkswell.
23:12Hannah Hawkswell, thank you, Jon.
23:14She was doing a documentary in the 70s about farmers in the Dales,
23:17how hard the life was.
23:18That is a relief, because I nearly guessed your mum.
23:25Next guest,
23:27Anthea Turner.
23:28Oh, good choice.
23:29Anthea Turner.
23:30I met Anthea Turner just before Christmas,
23:32and I got a bit flushed by the whole thing.
23:34Did you?
23:35Yeah.
23:36Yeah.
23:37Yeah, we did it.
23:38Yeah.
23:42Where did you meet Anthea Turner?
23:44It was on her dating website.
23:47It was just a charity gig.
23:49I don't like to talk about it.
23:51And final guest to arrive at the Dog & Bastard,
23:54Stephen King.
23:57I just want him to know that I'm glad he exists.
24:00I've been tempted to write to him and just say,
24:02you've changed my life.
24:04The books he's written, I'll read them for the rest of my life.
24:07He's made my life better, he doesn't even know.
24:09I don't want to be friends with him,
24:11I just want him to know we have the same planet for a little bit.
24:14What a fucking treat that is.
24:16Well, Jon, it's funny you should say that,
24:19because when I heard you were such a huge fan of Stephen King,
24:23I made some calls, guys.
24:25And we approached Stephen King...
24:28Did you really?
24:29..to get you, yes, a little video message from the man himself.
24:34Unfortunately, that didn't work out, he's a very busy man.
24:39Arsehole.
24:41However, what we did manage to find was a message from someone
24:45who, and I quote, has been described
24:48as the Stephen King of children's literature.
24:52Hi, Jon, it's R.L. Stine.
24:54You know, the Stephen King of children's books.
24:57I understand I'm a hero of yours, a literary hero.
25:01I just wanted to say thank you and you're welcome.
25:05I've seen your show.
25:07It's a severe worry.
25:09Good stuff, Jon.
25:10I'll see you at the lock-in.
25:18Right, so that was nice, wasn't it?
25:20It was a lot of fun, mate.
25:21I'm not going to lie, it gave me goosebumps, that video.
25:24I was a big fan of Goosebumps as a child.
25:27There you go.
25:28But I was overwhelmingly slightly pissed off
25:31that it wasn't Stephen King, but...
25:35So we're going to log your worry,
25:37I'm going to log your worry that all my heroes are dead,
25:39and clearly, Jon, that is absolutely a low worry.
25:42Oh!
25:44And I think, in a sense, your heroes are sort of supposed to be dead,
25:47and if the news of recent years has taught us anything,
25:49it's that your heroes are dead,
25:50they can't get up to any mischief any more.
25:52They'll swindle your dreams.
25:54So that is a low worry, Jon.
25:58Why are you worried about Anthea Serner?
26:00Why am I worried about Anthea Serner?
26:02I mean, for all the reasons earlier, just that...
26:07In a different world, who knows?
26:09Lovely. That's tense.
26:11So, our next worry of the night is this.
26:15I worry that people aren't trusted to make their own decisions.
26:18Now, this is all about robots doing our thinking for us.
26:21It's a thing called algorithms, which is a word I think a lot of us use
26:24without quite knowing what that means.
26:26It's basically a computer programme that takes information
26:29and then computes decisions on our behalf.
26:32Is that something of any concern to you?
26:34I think this whole computer's recommending stuff to you,
26:37working out how you think is a good thing,
26:39because it saves you time, it means you get the things that you want.
26:43I agree, and in a situation where you walk into a shop
26:46and the shop is able to tell you the things you need and give them to you,
26:49I agree, but what about a situation where you have some freedom of choice
26:53and you are influenced into making a certain decision?
26:56Yeah, you think there's no other options out there.
26:58I'm uninfluencible, mate.
27:00What about... Netflix is one area where this is used a lot,
27:03and they use an algorithm to tailor the thumbnail image for each programme
27:07based on what they think you like.
27:09So, say you go on Netflix and you decide you want to watch Friends.
27:12If Netflix is able to ascertain that you watch a lot of romantic comedies,
27:16the thumbnail they will use to show you for Friends
27:18will be one of maybe Ross and Rachel kissing,
27:21cos they'll know this person likes kissing.
27:24If they know that you watch a lot of buddy movies,
27:26they'll show you a thumbnail for Friends
27:28which will be Joey and Chandler reclining on chairs, so that's where...
27:31But that's all right, isn't it?
27:33Cos then you go, oh, I might enjoy the buddy aspect of Friends.
27:36Oh, I've got some kissing as well.
27:39Bonus kisses.
27:41Maybe you actually didn't want to watch Friends that day.
27:43Maybe you wanted to watch something else, but they target a thumbnail
27:46so specifically that you end up watching something you didn't want to watch.
27:49I'm going to say it, I reckon I've got the free will
27:51to see a picture of Matt LeBlanc in an easy chair
27:53and not click on it if I don't want to.
27:55Maybe you've watched a lot of Josh Widdicombe specials
27:58and they show you Gunther.
28:00LAUGHTER
28:05So, to enlighten us on who or what is making decisions for us,
28:08please welcome data ethics expert Sandra Bacter.
28:12APPLAUSE
28:18Hello.
28:19So, Sandra, what algorithms are out there now
28:21that we should be aware of?
28:23Algorithms are everywhere, basically.
28:25So every decision that can be made by a human
28:28can now be made by an algorithm.
28:30So algorithms are deciding if somebody should get to university,
28:33should be admitted to schools,
28:35if somebody should get insurance.
28:37Basically everywhere.
28:39So how could the data that's out there about me now,
28:42how could that be used against me?
28:44Ah, right. So a lot of insurance companies and banks
28:48are using Facebook data to make decisions.
28:51For example, they use Facebook data to decide if somebody should get a loan.
28:54So they look at who you're friends with,
28:56what you like on Facebook, what groups you join,
28:59and then they decide if you should get a loan or not.
29:01Unlucky, John.
29:03LAUGHTER
29:05There's so much data out there about you.
29:07Every time you use your phone,
29:09every time you Google something on the web,
29:11every time you visit a web page, it's all being tracked.
29:14We haven't even heard of private browsing!
29:19Does that work?
29:21LAUGHTER
29:25Not entirely convinced it will.
29:27But what if you sign out as well?
29:30I think it's really weird that in the future
29:32people will go through their relatives...
29:34They'll be like, oh, I guess I got my love of BDSM off my great-grandfather.
29:38How weird.
29:40What other areas of society are algorithms potentially a cause for concern?
29:44I think the most troubling example would be
29:47that algorithms are being used in the criminal justice system.
29:50So in the US, for example, algorithms decide if somebody is guilty
29:53and if they should go to prison, if they're being granted parole.
29:56What?! So, yeah.
29:58How do they decide if they're guilty?
30:00Well, that's the big problem.
30:02We don't really know.
30:04How can you use an algorithm that you accept
30:06that you don't understand how it's reaching its decision?
30:09Surely that is sort of George Orwell.
30:12There is a potential that algorithms are making better decisions than humans
30:15because they consider so much more data than humans
30:18and so they can be more accurate.
30:20And humans are also very biased.
30:22There was an interesting study by judges, for example.
30:25So it was found that judges are more strict in their judgments
30:30before they had lunch and more lenient after they had lunch.
30:33Wow, the Boots meal deal factor, I believe.
30:36Wow.
30:38Well, I'll tell you what, terrifying but absolutely fascinating.
30:41Ladies and gentlemen, thank you to Sandra Vakhtar.
30:43APPLAUSE
30:47So we're going to log that worry now,
30:49and the worry is that people can't be trusted to make their own decisions.
30:52And I think Sandra's testimony makes it clear
30:55that this can't be anything other than a very severe worry.
31:04Let's try that as a moderate worry.
31:08Let's try a low worry.
31:12The computer seems to be thinking for itself.
31:15There is something we can do in this situation.
31:17It doesn't happen very often,
31:19but sometimes we are called upon to file a worry manually.
31:24So I'll just pop that in the old filing system there.
31:27This is the severe worry drawer, and in it goes as a severe worry.
31:36That's it for this part.
31:38Time for a short break now and give up hosting, John,
31:40because everybody knows Josh should host this show.
31:43That's what it says on the autarky, I don't remember writing that.
31:46See you in a bit.
31:48APPLAUSE
32:01Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier.
32:03Now it's time for the final, most troubling worry of the night,
32:07which is...
32:10I worry I'm not a skilled person.
32:13I look at other people and I think they can all do stuff
32:17and I can't do stuff,
32:19and I think I've got to an age where they say,
32:22your brain from the age of four is in decline
32:26and I don't want to give the game away, I'm a little south of four.
32:32Do any of you have any secret skills?
32:38Do you know that's exactly the answer I wanted?
32:40I find the hardest one when people are like,
32:42oh, what's your party trick?
32:44And mine's just leaving early, that's it.
32:46You're invited to my party.
32:48Well, you've tried to learn things.
32:50When we lived together, you took up, and correct me if I'm wrong,
32:54watercolours.
33:00And again, correct me if I'm wrong,
33:03but when you couldn't get the hang of watercolours,
33:06you started doing painting by numbers.
33:10And it was like living with someone
33:12who was recovering from a brain injury.
33:15Are you artistic at all or do you just think
33:17I can probably teach myself to...?
33:19What it is, is I sort of try everything,
33:21because I think if I try everything,
33:23there'll be something I'm just amazing at.
33:25There's hobbies and there's things you do for enjoyment and for exercise
33:28and there's things that you think, I really want to be amazing at this thing.
33:31The things I'm good at are dog shit,
33:33so I can juggle, but with three things,
33:35which isn't mildly impressive. That's good, that's all right.
33:37Which things?
33:39It's just like a chainsaw...
33:42LAUGHTER
33:43..a flaming axe and a dragon.
33:46I also think I'm very good at finding Wally
33:49and it's not the sort of thing you can pull out at a party.
33:52And I think the key to finding Wally
33:54is you've got to ask certain questions.
33:56A lot of people just tear at it and work up a row,
33:58but what you've got to ask yourself is, what do I know about Wally?
34:01Well, for example, he's not a strong swimmer,
34:03so he's not going to be...
34:05He's in the top of the stamp, fucking hell.
34:11Hiding in plain sight.
34:13And then you've got to ask yourself, who is Wally?
34:16And then you find out, in a way, aren't we all Wally?
34:19And I look at that situation and I think, if I were Wally,
34:22what would I be doing?
34:23And I would clock an inflated lilo in the sun on a hot, sandy beach
34:28as a potential popping fiasco.
34:30So I'd be monitoring that situation.
34:32Once you find that out, you know, there's Wally.
34:35He's right there. There he is.
34:37So you've got to find the Wally inside yourself, I think,
34:40before you can really find any external Wallys.
34:43And for any American viewers, it's still Wally.
34:46You've got it wrong.
34:53So things like that now, nobody's impressed.
34:57But if you had a shit skill like that, you could take it somewhere.
35:00You could put a shit skill on telly and gain some respect for it.
35:03And that place was a little world called U-Bet.
35:06I loved U-Bet so much.
35:08But perhaps explain to the millennials what U-Bet was.
35:11U-Bet was a TV show on Saturday night on ITV
35:15in which different kind of members of the public would come on
35:18and they'd have wacky skills.
35:20I remember vividly a guy who could work out, and you'd like this,
35:24any Queen song by the way a candle moved in front of a speaker.
35:30Bullshit! I remember that.
35:32You remember that? Yes. That's insane.
35:35So it was stuff like that and then there'd be a panel of celebrities
35:38and they'd decide whether these people could do it.
35:41We have a clip. So this is a man who, not to delve too deeply,
35:45but probably as the result of a slow breakdown of his marriage,
35:49is able to recognise any type of lawnmower from touch alone.
35:55Are you ready to face your challenge? I think I am.
36:06That doesn't even feel green. That feels like a close-cut 1920.
36:13Yes, it is.
36:20That feels like a Ransom Simms and Jeffreys patent gear automaton, 1910.
36:28Oh, I knew it straight away.
36:32Last one.
36:38That's a Webb Whippet 10-inch, 1955.
36:44Yes, it is.
36:46How did you lose your fingers, Steve?
36:50Fascinatingly, Whippet 10-inch was my nickname at school.
36:56So inspired by that clip, I've decided to test my own skill.
37:00Now, as a man who likes a drink but has a very weak bladder,
37:04I feel like my skill is that I can identify hand dryers from the sound alone.
37:11Come on.
37:13Come on.
37:14Josh, you seem like the person to help me with this.
37:17You love a bit of retro telly. Yeah, I love it.
37:19So you're going to host our very own version of You Fret.
37:22Oh.
37:24Pending a challenge from their lawyers.
37:27OK, Jon, right, welcome to You Fret.
37:36Tonight's contestant is Jon Richardson from Lancaster.
37:40Jon is going to try and identify five hand dryers by sound alone.
37:45I'm really nervous.
37:46These hand dryers have been chosen at random
37:49by our independent adjudicator, Guinevere.
37:52Jon, why hand dryers?
37:56I just like being in toilets.
38:01I think that's something you take for granted.
38:03The game-changer for me was the Dyson Airblade,
38:05and I think we all felt that the first time you used one and you realised...
38:08I'm not going to lie, Jon, they've just hurried me up in my ear.
38:12It's the best part of going to the toilet, washing your hands.
38:14Right, so, celebrity panel,
38:16do you think Jon will manage to identify the five hand dryers?
38:20I'm quite worried that he will be able to do it.
38:23You're going yes, Jon? Yeah, I think he can.
38:25Holly? I mean, I don't care.
38:32But sure, why not? Give him a bit of support, yes.
38:35They are both backing Jon. I believe in you.
38:37Let's find out! Let's play Youth Rats.
38:44Right, Jon...
38:46Bloody hell, I almost fell off the stage.
38:50So, you stand there. I'm going to go to each hand dryer in turn.
38:54I want you to give me the brand of each hand dryer from the sound.
38:59Are you ready? Yeah.
39:01The first hand dryer sounds like this.
39:06I also am going to need you to identify
39:09whether that was the left or the right hand.
39:13I felt I could hear the rippling of fat in your palm.
39:19I've been working out, mate! I've been on a high-protein diet.
39:23The power of which suggests it was your left hand...
39:26Correct! On the left hand.
39:28..it was underneath an accelerator.
39:30Oh, my word!
39:33Are you ready for your next hand dryer?
39:36Yeah.
39:41I'd know that blindfolded.
39:44That takes me right back to the first time I heard one
39:47at Strensham Services in 2006.
39:51Just once again, Jon, they are getting me to hurry up in my ear.
39:54It's the damage to your ears.
39:56Just once again, Jon, they are getting me to hurry up in my ear.
39:59It's the Dyson Airblade.
40:01It is the Dyson Airblade!
40:06Straight on to number three? Yeah.
40:08Oh.
40:10Oh.
40:11That, for me, is your bog standard.
40:13That's probably the most ubiquitous hand dryer.
40:16Oh, now I'm nervous.
40:18It's not new, it's not old.
40:20It's quite a good hand dryer.
40:22I think...
40:23Now, I couldn't tell you whether it's the one with the rotating head,
40:26but I think it's a world dryer.
40:28It is the world dryer with the rotating head!
40:33That's industry standard, you'll find that in most pubs.
40:36It is absolutely the most exciting thing...
40:40..that I have been involved in in my career.
40:44Are you ready for number four, Jon?
40:46Yeah.
40:48LAUGHTER
40:52I think you're playing a trick on me there, Josh.
40:54No, I would never do such a thing.
40:56Well, technically, it's a hand dryer, but it's not what I'm into.
40:59That sounds like, er...
41:01That sounds like one of those things where...
41:03One of those things, he's got it, he's won!
41:08Finally, for the certificate and the trophy, are you ready?
41:14Oh, my God, what is that?
41:18Can I come closer?
41:21And can I hear it again?
41:23Do you want to hear it again? Yes, please.
41:25OK. You ready? Yes.
41:27I'm not going to do anything to you.
41:32That's an old hand dryer for my money.
41:35That's more heat than airbase, and that, for me, was...
41:38I don't... That was the big shift in the industry,
41:41was away from heat and into just the speed of the air.
41:44Yeah.
41:46It's either a Warner Howard...
41:49Keep, keep. ..or a Levante.
41:52It's one of the two. Which do you think it is?
41:55Well, I think the fact that you said keep going was...
41:59I said a Warner Howard.
42:01But I'm going to go for the Levante.
42:03The answer is...
42:05The Levante!
42:11Remove your blindfolds, Jon.
42:14It's time now to give you your certificates.
42:17Come on out, the mystery guest.
42:19It's Amputee!
42:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:26You did it! You did it!
42:28Thank you very much.
42:30Thank you very much.
42:37Jon, go for the hug.
42:39Thank you.
42:43Oh, thank you.
42:45So, we're now going to log the worry.
42:47The worry is, of course, I worry I'm not a skilled person.
42:50Clearly, it's a low worry,
42:52and I am a massively successfully skilled person,
42:55and it's made me realise if I can hear what hand dryers are,
42:58I can probably be Grade 8 piano by the end of the week.
43:01So, it's a low worry!
43:06That's it for this week on Ultimate Worry.
43:08A special thanks to my guests, Holly Walsh, Jon Robbins,
43:11Josh Riddicombe and Anthony Otero!
43:14Thanks for watching and I'll see you next time. Goodnight!
43:38WHISTLING