#greenwing #northangerabbey #janeeyre https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5domZkB-eRa6BuFOO8OXaQ https://dailymotion.com/bethfreed25
Caroline's First Day: Having locked herself out of her flat and spent the night sleeping in her car, Dr Caroline Todd arrives to start work at East Hampton hospital, smelling "like the inside of a taxi". Anaesthesist Guy Secretan offers her a bed at his flat - where she has an embarrassing experience in the toilet - but based on the hopes she would sleep with him, which she turns down, so he spends the night on the sofa. Elsewhere downtrodden house officer Martin goes on the Internet to see if his old classmates have had worse careers than himself and hospital administrator Joanna Clore has fun with a vibrating bed.
Starring: Mark Heap; Tamsin Greig; Sarah Alexander; Sally Bretton; Oliver Chris; Olivia Colman; Stephen Mangan
Caroline's First Day: Having locked herself out of her flat and spent the night sleeping in her car, Dr Caroline Todd arrives to start work at East Hampton hospital, smelling "like the inside of a taxi". Anaesthesist Guy Secretan offers her a bed at his flat - where she has an embarrassing experience in the toilet - but based on the hopes she would sleep with him, which she turns down, so he spends the night on the sofa. Elsewhere downtrodden house officer Martin goes on the Internet to see if his old classmates have had worse careers than himself and hospital administrator Joanna Clore has fun with a vibrating bed.
Starring: Mark Heap; Tamsin Greig; Sarah Alexander; Sally Bretton; Oliver Chris; Olivia Colman; Stephen Mangan
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00You
00:30Hello, it's Caroline Todd again. It's now 709 a.m. So that's what eight and a half hours
00:51since you planned you're on your way home from the Pink Lagoon. I'd have the keys to
00:55my brother's house before midnight. He said you were a bit of an unreliable neighbor but
01:02luckily for me the man from number 37 has a big heart and his own ladder. Yeah so as
01:09I was saying the fuel consumption on both models is fairly similar but the variable
01:14valve timing on the XK8 really helps acceleration at low speeds. Gives it that extra bit of
01:21wallop. In terms of liters you can really do what you want 3.8, 3.9. Yeah, yeah, yeah but which one's
01:30gonna make me look young? Well neither they are both just cars. I am starting a new job at 8.30
01:44in a hospital. I am dirty and exhausted. People will possibly die as a result and you will be
01:52responsible. You know I could damage you quite badly for wasting my time. Yeah. Listen thanks,
02:05thanks anyway it was really kind of you for trying and you'll be paying for a locksmith,
02:10all right? Oh sorry, don't, don't try and move your neck you'll be, you'll be fine I'm a doctor.
02:23I said don't move. In the meantime I don't know if you ever go to the winner's gym but I'm there
02:32most Thursdays after six. Morning. What happened? I got sperm in my eye.
03:32Yeah Adam I like your great big paper white shirt. I'm sorry you can't, I'm sorry we've gone over this many, many a time.
03:46Sorry to hear about your shower breaking. Maybe you'd like me to come and test it for you sometime?
04:14I didn't know you could plumb. I know what you're doing Rachel.
04:20Good morning. Hello. So new doctor arriving today? So. Worried? Why? Female apparently. It was a 50-50
04:42chance. She might be very good. Let's hope so. She might be stunningly attractive. She could be tall, incredibly tall, willowy. She may be intelligent but humble. Men, women and small children will fall in love with her instantly. She might be Latin, olive skin, husky voice. That'll be nice for everyone. You put all these elements together what have we got? We've got potentially today in this hospital a very
05:12tall, genius, woman of the people, uber babe, latino chick coming to work here. Will she be too tall to get through the doors? No, no, no. She'll be the perfect height. Good. Well that's all tickety-boo by me.
05:27Not even a flicker? No. Not even the tiniest bit? No, no, no. Because jealousy is an ugly emotion and only for the weak. Okay what I want you to do for me just once, try it, pretend. Why? Because it turns you on? Yeah. Please. For me.
05:41I want you to see the new bitch snap off her fingers, burn her hair and pluck out her nipples. Okay. Yes. Fantastic. How do you feel? How do you feel? Dangerous? Liberating? Yeah? Orgasmic? Exhilarating in a dirty sort of way. Are you all right? Oh yeah, yeah, there's a new female doctor coming today. That's all.
06:11Do you want to sign Kerry's birthday card? Nah, not really. Do you want to make a contribution to the present? Nah, not really. Do you want to sign Kerry's birthday card? Yeah, right. Do you want to make a contribution to the present? There is Kerry. Nah.
06:33Kim, Kim, Kimmy, Kimmy, Kim, Kim, Kim. Right, Wednesday's omissions list. Sooner rather than later, please. I'd like to see an updated meetings diary. Still talking, Kim? Inform me when the new surgical registrar arrives. I'd like a chicken booner for one. Can you put the car in for wheel alignment? Can you please call the Aztec Centre and tell them it does not reduce puffiness? And coffee, please. Have you gone blind? Conjunctivitis. I'm so sorry I'm late. The traffic was awful this morning and I left some bags of time as well.
07:02Oh, don't worry. If I had to do a school run, I'd never get to work on time.
07:06Come on now, back in the car, off to school. Here we come. No time to chase you.
07:37Well, what can I do for you this time, Dr Statham? I'd like a new badge, please. May I ask what happened to the old one? I've still got it. I'm sorry to report it's been vandalised by some bloody bastards. In what way? I'd rather not talk about it. Well, if you don't, I can't order you a new one.
08:04And where does it say that? In the regulations?
08:10There.
08:12All right. Somebody has used a marker pen to make some alterations. The badge should read, Dr Alan Statham, consultant radiologist. And on the word consultant, they've blacked out the letters ONS and LTA.
08:29I see. So that would in fact leave a C, a U, an N and an OIC. So your badge now reads Alan Statham consultant.
08:43Yes, thank you. That's what it's been changed to.
08:46Again?
08:47Yes, again.
08:48Well, all right. I'll see what I can do. It's going to take a couple of weeks to order you a new one, though.
08:53What am I going to do in the meantime?
08:55Well, I suggest you black out the books you don't want.
08:59Well, right, I will.
09:02I'd lose the second line rather than the first.
09:05What?
09:06Just trying to help.
09:25Is that for me?
09:28Oh, thanks very much, there. Thank you. Sweet.
09:33Mm.
09:34Mm.
09:35Mm.
09:36Mm.
09:37Mm.
09:38Mm.
09:39Mm.
09:40Mm.
09:41Mm.
09:42Mm.
09:43Mm.
09:44Mm.
09:45Mm.
09:46Mm.
09:47Mm.
09:48Mm.
09:49Mm.
09:50Mm.
09:51Mm.
09:52Mm.
09:53Mm.
09:54Mm.
09:56Oh, that's, um...
10:00That's quite interesting. What is that? You don't know?
10:04I found it in my bed.
10:06Yeah.
10:09Oh!
10:10Ah!
10:11Oh!
10:21Did you say you were Asian?
10:23Really helped my end-of-year quota there.
10:26Bit tired of telling this, like, but, you know, I think you might get away with it.
10:30Come on, come on, come on, come on.
10:32Staff liaison really ought to be here to sort out your bits and bobs.
10:36You're talking bits and bobs. I do have a bit of an accommodation.
10:41Peculiar smell.
10:43Sort of, um, toilety.
10:47Have you been to a festival? I had to spend the night in my car, so...
10:51Oh, we can talk.
10:57This is the same gallbladder,
11:00and here we can see the small object has become dislodged
11:04and is now down here.
11:08This is what I like to call the Mick Jagger effect,
11:12because it is essentially a rolling stone.
11:17Which is a joke. You may laugh.
11:21You're not laughing, Mr Boyce.
11:23That's because it wasn't funny.
11:25Yes, it was.
11:26Not really.
11:27I'll be the judge of that.
11:30You can't be the judge.
11:32Look, you only don't find it funny
11:34because you know very little about imaging techniques.
11:37When you've had as much experience as I have, you will find it funny.
11:40I doubt it.
11:41Hmm?
11:45Hmm?
11:51You can't make me laugh by poking me.
11:54Well, just...
11:56heed me.
11:58Hmm?
12:03And radiology. Sorry to interrupt you.
12:06I just wanted to introduce the new surgical registrar,
12:09Dr Caroline Todd.
12:11Dr Alan Statham, consultant radiologist.
12:14Welcome to the lunatic asylum.
12:17You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps.
12:20Oh, no. Come on, hang on now.
12:22The doctors aren't mad here.
12:24I mean, that certainly wouldn't be allowed.
12:27Not at my level.
12:29There again, we are an equal opportunities employer,
12:31so I dare say there might be one or two of the ancillary workers
12:34or even some of the clerical staff who might be considered a little bit...
12:37Oh, dear God, sorry we're going to have to be moving along.
12:40So sorry to have disturbed you.
12:45I'm like a little catapult.
12:47I can't talk right now.
12:49Hello!
13:00Have you seen them?
13:02What?
13:03The juniors, the students, Martin, Boyce, all of them.
13:05Yeah, what about them?
13:06Well, a new woman turns up, right?
13:08Frankly, a pretty ordinary woman,
13:10and they're all like bees round a honeypot.
13:13No. No, bees make honey, don't they?
13:16Yeah, so?
13:17Yeah, so.
13:18So why are bees bothering with a pot of honey, yeah?
13:22Why not stay back at the hive
13:24where there's as much honey as they could have, yeah?
13:26Yeah?
13:27Why flap all the way down to the supermarket
13:29or somebody else's house or wherever this honeypot is
13:32when there's plenty of honey at home?
13:34Yeah, all right, well, flies round a honeypot, then.
13:36No, flies prefer shit.
13:37Well, wasps.
13:38The fact is, it makes men look like a sad, desperate species.
13:41Right, so, well, you probably think that it would be better
13:44if everybody was a little bit more like you.
13:46Well, yeah.
13:47Yeah, well, no, because then, of course,
13:49there would be a great surge in lesbianism.
13:57Bet you can't headbutt that sign.
14:04Yeah, well, that was actually quite an easy one.
14:12Nice.
14:18No, no, no, but it is funny.
14:21You do see that, don't you?
14:23Well, it makes sense.
14:25A rolling stone?
14:26Yes, thank you.
14:27Thought I was going mad for a minute there.
14:29Ah, you see, Dr McCartney, some people do have a sense of humour.
14:33Yeah, sorry, I'm with Boise on this one.
14:35And Ange was just being polite.
14:37Yes, well, who asked you anyway?
14:39I think you did, actually, about two minutes ago.
14:41Oh, um...
14:43Any news on the other thing?
14:46What other thing?
14:48Whether or not moustache is back in fashion yet.
14:50No? No news? You keep me posted?
14:52Yes, and I'll let you know when they find a blonde
14:55who's got more than two brain cells to rub together.
14:57Not you.
14:59Or you. Obviously, you've got lots.
15:01Well done.
15:02But you, Dr McCartney, are about as intelligent
15:05as a gracilis myocutaneous flap
15:08on a perineal hernia repair.
15:13Banter.
15:14Sorry, sorry.
15:15Um, was that a comeback?
15:17It's not that I heard it.
15:18I was about 20 yards down the corridor.
15:20Emma said something about you were talking to a lightbox.
15:23Do you want me to report you for that earring?
15:25Only if I can report you for the moustache.
15:27Most women find male body-piercing repugnant.
15:29I, thankfully, am completely intact.
15:32Well, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes.
15:34Exactly.
15:39Banter?
15:41Yes.
15:50Ow.
16:05When are you ready, Martin?
16:08Well, um...
16:12The patients don't like me.
16:15Really?
16:17Anything else?
16:19No.
16:20Good.
16:21Well, don't hesitate to pop in again
16:23if there are any other worries.
16:25Right, is that it?
16:32Will you go out with me?
16:34No. Get out.
16:45Oh, I love the smell of formaldehyde.
16:49I was saying, you're not as young as I thought you'd be.
16:52Oh, my sainted Lord in heaven, what is this bollocks?
16:56Clouty.
16:58Hey, Clouty, where the toss are you?
17:00Yeah, I thought I said no more fucking rainbows.
17:03Yeah, over my rotten cadaver.
17:06I'd rather stick pins in my eyes, frankly.
17:08Can you deal with it?
17:15Sit.
17:17I didn't think walkie-talkies were allowed in hospitals.
17:19Yeah, it's a talking page, yeah?
17:21No, no, it's a walkie-talkie.
17:23They're really dangerous,
17:24not without potential interference with vital equipment.
17:26Dangerous?
17:27What, am I supposed to flood or a patient on fire
17:29or an outbreak of AIDS isn't dangerous?
17:40Ow!
17:41Pussying how you deal with stress.
17:48Yeah, um, give him some Calpol.
17:52Calpol.
17:54Yeah, it's in the cupboard next to the Bob the Builder pasta.
17:58OK. Yeah, parallel.
18:00Um, put him on to me.
18:02Hello, little man.
18:04Oh, hello. Have you got a hurty tummy?
18:07Have you? Where does it hurt?
18:10Oh, poor little poot.
18:11Na-na-na-na-na-na.
18:13Me-me-me-me-me-me.
18:14Oh, just grow up.
18:16Grow up!
18:27Hello?
18:30Can you send someone to fix the printer?
18:33It's jammed.
18:36It is quite urgent.
18:39Yeah.
18:40Thanks.
18:42Bye.
18:47Ow.
18:55Is this right for, um, ID test?
18:58Oh, one sec. I'll do it myself. Security almost chops heads off.
19:01Any chance you brought a photo?
19:04Oh, no. No, no. Should I have?
19:06No, no, no problem. I can work with this.
19:09Just pop yourself up against the white wall for me, would you?
19:13Gosh.
19:14Why don't you peel, Janet?
19:19And smile.
19:22Wait. Wait. No, sorry.
19:24I haven't got the right face on.
19:38No, wait. Hold on. Um...
19:40Can we do a kind of three-quarter profile?
19:43My hair's not really enjoying a full front look.
19:49Three, two, one.
19:53I think that's a winner.
19:56I bet you can't eat the coffee.
19:57I don't want to eat the coffee.
19:58I bet you can't eat the coffee.
19:59Why should I want to eat the coffee?
20:00Eat the coffee.
20:01No.
20:02You can't eat it, can you?
20:03No, I probably could.
20:04So eat it.
20:05No, no, you eat the coffee.
20:06All right, I'll eat it.
20:07Yeah, go on, then.
20:08I will.
20:09Yeah, go on. Eat the coffee.
20:10All right, well, I'm going to eat the coffee.
20:12Let's see you, then. Let's see you.
20:15Jesus, Jesus.
20:17I'm losing my coffee.
20:18You are. You are, aren't you?
20:20I'm losing my coffee.
20:21You are eating the coffee.
20:22You are eating...
20:23You ate the expensive coffee.
20:24Oh, I have?
20:25Yeah. Well done.
20:26Yeah.
20:27Do you know what that means?
20:28Do you know what the whole of that means?
20:30What?
20:31That means...
20:32That means that you won.
20:39Hmm.
20:40Oh!
20:44I mean, I look like a moose in that one.
20:47So, I mean, well, that's a security risk, so, um...
20:50Do you think we could just have one more go?
21:02Right, tea.
21:04Right, tea.
21:15Tea is horrible.
21:19Please, please, please.
21:22Well, I may not be in the mood tonight.
21:25Perhaps if your girlfriend hadn't cocked up the neural.
21:29Look, I'm a firework. I'm primed and ready to go off.
21:32Well, then I shall retire to a safe distance.
21:35Possibly wear protective clothing.
21:38I'm not wearing any pants.
21:40So, there it is.
21:42When...
21:43No, thank you, sir, yes.
21:45Goodbye to you.
21:48Oh!
21:59It's 41 feet of freedom.
22:02I guarantee it'll change your life.
22:04It gives you the chance to breathe.
22:06It's more than the handball.
22:08I get travel sick. Sorry.
22:12Ugly.
22:13What?
22:14She was gorgeous.
22:16Ugly. Deep down, inside, ugly.
22:18You know, I've never really even touched anyone that attractive.
22:22Well, I don't mind you touching my arm if you want.
22:24Oh, it's not quite the same, is it?
22:26Oh, half-lab alert.
22:33Rachel, where's the hand-out for the meeting?
22:35Um, I haven't photocopied it yet.
22:37Why not?
22:38Because Oliver's using the photocopier.
22:40He's doing 500 flyers for some party he's organised.
22:43He's using office equipment for his own personal use.
22:46Yeah.
22:47Go and kick him.
22:56Um, OK, I...
22:58Pretend I'm a woman and you come up to me.
23:00Give me your best line. Right.
23:02Best line.
23:04Hi, what's your name? Rubbish.
23:06Right, no, more adventurous. Um, right.
23:08Do you like swimming?
23:10Pathetic. Get over there.
23:12You...
23:13Two things women want, OK?
23:15Money and protection.
23:16Ah, well, I've got a helmet and a credit card.
23:18Right. So the two...
23:19Why don't you shut up for a second and watch?
23:21You be the woman and I'm...
23:23OK, ready?
23:25Yeah, I'll see you in Zurich.
23:29No, and I've seen you and I'm so astonished by your beauty,
23:32I can't speak. You see? Try it.
23:34Why Zurich?
23:35Because it sounds jet-setty, you know.
23:37Because I've actually been to Katwijk, so it's in Holland.
23:40Get on with it.
23:44Yeah, hello, Mum. I'm in Zurich.
23:46You're not in Zurich.
23:53What is that?
23:55Look, you're beautiful.
23:57You've caught me.
23:59All I've caught from you is you've got a coated tongue.
24:02What are you doing now? You look like you...
24:04I'm just trying some looks.
24:06That's a look. You look like you've had your head beaten against a rock 15 times.
24:15Now, please.
24:16What?
24:17Kick in, kick in, kick in.
24:31Ah! Fuck!
24:33That really hurt! What did you do that for?
24:36Joanna told me to. Sorry.
24:38It's all right. I guess you're just following orders now.
24:41Um, I just, um...
24:44wonder if you'd like to come out for a drink with me sometime?
24:48Um... OK.
24:51Oh, and just so you know, I always fuck on the first date.
24:54Oh, OK.
25:03You're adopted, for God's sake. So what?
25:05You don't have to be good-looking or charismatic.
25:08Women love it, especially foreign girls. Foreign ladies?
25:11Yeah, especially Eastern Europeans. They're always quite sad, which gives it a certain something.
25:16Oh, next you'll be telling me they're queuing up for threesomes.
25:19Actually, threesomes are totally overrated. Yeah, sure.
25:22Now, think about it. When you've done the deed,
25:24it's just one more hairy Mary prattling on in your ear.
25:27Who could be arsed with that? Not me, for one.
25:32Go and have a wank in the cupboard. Go on.
25:34I won't tell anyone. Have a hand, Shandy. Go on.
25:37Martin's having a wank in the cupboard!
25:39I'm not. I'm not.
25:46Sorry, it's just chocolate. Chocolatey fingers.
25:52Ah, Dr McCartney.
25:54I'm sorry to intrude. I know you're busy,
25:56but this is Henry's new surgical registrar, Caroline Todd.
25:59This is Dr McCartney. Hi, Mac. Call me Mac.
26:02Hi. Any relation to... Ringo Starr? No, actually.
26:05But impeccable timing, cos we're a pair of hands down on a routine hernia operation.
26:09Whoa, there you are. No, she hasn't had a pee during it.
26:12Then that's good, because she won't be paged halfway through the operation.
26:15What about her ID tags? I can vouch for her ID.
26:18You definitely look like a doctor. Yep, dilated pupils, no sense of humour,
26:23and, er... What do you smell? Is that minicabs?
26:27Do you want some?
26:29OK, let's go. Come on.
26:52OK, let's sew this mother up.
26:56Sorry if I seem a bit stressed out. I didn't sleep very well last night.
27:01And I did have a rather disturbing lesbian dream.
27:05Bingo. Would you like to talk about that, or...?
27:08I don't really remember it. Make it up.
27:11Positions, numbers. Numbers, positions.
27:13Were they shaved? Yeah, were they shaved?
27:15Perhaps I could try and have another one tonight,
27:17take a few notes, bring them in for you tomorrow.
27:19Can you draw?
27:22Your shoes are ringing.
27:27It might be a lesbian.
27:29Or the mothership.
27:31Mum, you're going to have to stop banging me at work.
27:33Right, for a tenner, name me five famous lesbians.
27:37Joan of Arc, Baudelaire... Boudicca.
27:39Boudicca and... The Brontë sisters.
27:41Kind of the Brontë sisters. OK.
27:43Martina Navratilova, KD Lang and...
27:46Five sisters. Yes, I know them all.
27:49The Queen of Lesbos.
27:51Yeah, well, a name would be good. Cassandra.
27:53Cassandra. Cassandra, yeah.
27:56Yeah.
27:57Right, top-up time. How long do you need?
27:59I think five minutes, thank you very much.
28:01Bet you can't do it in three.
28:09Odd, how much do you need for lunch?
28:11What, on food combining?
28:13Crispy duck, shredded lettuce,
28:15rich plum sauce wrap and, um, banana milkshake.
28:18Right. How can you eat duck? That's so mean.
28:20Why? I spent half my childhood feeding them.
28:22What have you got, Carrie? Lunch and meat.
28:24Oh, God. My friend made them.
28:27Friend? Male or female?
28:30Male.
28:32So what you're saying is a man made your sandwiches this morning?
28:35Yep.
28:37Well, what's his name?
28:39Tim. Tim? God!
28:41So is he your boyfriend?
28:43I don't know.
28:45Don't know? Well, have you slept with him?
28:47Slept, yes.
28:49God. Karen and sex.
28:51Not sex. Not sex. No.
28:53He thinks we're not sexually compatible.
28:56We just lie together naked.
29:13I am starving.
29:15They never give you decent portions here.
29:17No, they do. You just have to be nice.
29:19If you flatter them, you'll have more food on your plate than you can ever deal with.
29:22It's very simple.
29:24How do you flatter a woman like that?
29:26Nice overall.
29:28Ooh, what an alluring scent of fat.
29:30I've always admired career women such as yourself.
29:32Yeah, I never did.
29:34Can I get you, love?
29:36Hello. Hello. Um, well...
29:38Oh, crikey. Chili looks fantastic, as ever.
29:41Chili steak and kidney pie also looks tremendous.
29:43You're spoiling us today, as ever.
29:45I could do you a bit of both, if you want. Could you? That would be brilliant. Thank you.
29:48Chips and peas. Yes, please. Brilliant.
29:51These are the best chips in the whole country.
29:54Superb chips.
29:56Always nice to have a little bit of glamour while you're dining.
30:00So... There you go.
30:02Great. Thank you very much. Thank you.
30:04You have a fantastic day now. I will. Same to you, my love.
30:06Ta-ra. Bye.
30:08I'll have the same as him, please.
30:10My darling. We're out of chili.
30:12Are you joking? He only started serving about 20 minutes ago.
30:15You're out of chili already? That is unbelievable.
30:19Never mind. I'll have some of that scrumptious-looking pie
30:23and some chips and peas, please.
30:26Great chips, he said, and, er...
30:30I love chips. Mmm.
30:40You're looking very...
30:44fit.
30:48Is that it?
30:53Pikey. The earrings are a dead giveaway.
30:56And I was going to say, see you around, but I don't hang out at gutters.
31:00Oh, and when I said you were looking fit, I meant fat!
31:03I think you should bring packed lunches from now on.
31:11Oh, yes. What? Thank you. What?
31:14Mark Burgess sells fridges. Yes.
31:17Who? Who's Mark Burgess?
31:19Mark Burgess? Mark Burgess?
31:21Mark Burgess, like, school captain of everything.
31:24And now he sells fridges.
31:26Erm... What does it say?
31:28I'm a regional deputy director of a leading refrigerator manufacturer.
31:32I still have time for Sunday football and the occasional round of golf.
31:37Tosser. I win that one.
31:39You win. How do you win?
31:41Well, I think doctors are better than regional deputy directors.
31:45Hello, Mark, what do you do? I sell fridges.
31:48What do you do, Martin? I'm a doctor, thank you.
31:51I think you've got a few unresolved conflict issues there, mate.
31:55Oh, you're joking me. What?
31:57Adam Ross is a pilot. Bastard!
31:59Who's Adam Ross? He was my best friend at school.
32:02He's a pilot! Shit!
32:04Pilots are better than doctors, aren't they?
32:07No, no, they're not. And anyway, for all you know, people exaggerate.
32:11He could be a lonely alcoholic with diseases.
32:14People exaggerate, don't they?
32:16Well, that's true, true. Yeah, he could, he could.
32:19Nobody buys a jet ski.
32:21You hire them, you tosser. How are you gonna get it there?
32:26No, trust me, no airline in the world will let you take a jet ski.
32:30Look, I'm gonna call you back.
32:32See you in Zurich. How are you doing? You all right there?
32:35I'm fine, I'm just getting a change of clothes. Need a hand?
32:38I think I can manage to get dressed by myself, thank you.
32:41No, I meant with the bike. Impulse buy, was it?
32:44Well, I will use it. You always carry so much stuff.
32:47Oh, look, Mr Questions, I can't get into my house until tomorrow.
32:51My life is in this car.
32:53I haven't got anything to honk with.
32:56What?
32:58Your sticker. Honk me to bonk me.
33:01Oh, God, no, that's not my sticker.
33:04It's not my car. I bought it from a friend cos it takes more stuff.
33:10I'm Caroline, by the way.
33:12I know.
33:16Oh, God, you weren't there, were you?
33:18And he's the toaster?
33:20Guy's secretary. It's Swiss.
33:23Ah, cuckoo clocks, no beaches.
33:27Theft of Jewish gold after the fall of Nazi Germany.
33:30Sorry, I expect everyone says that.
33:32So, where are you going to sleep tonight?
33:34In between the wine rack and the lava lamp?
33:36I'm still working on it. I expect there'll be a hotel somewhere.
33:40You own a hotel? Bloody hell!
33:42No, no, no, it's a flat. It's my flat. You can stay there.
33:45At your flat?
33:47No, I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I'm on nights.
33:49I won't be there. It's spare room, clean sheets.
33:51No, I couldn't do that. I use Bounce.
33:53I bet you do. Toblerone in the fridge.
33:55I couldn't do that. Barry White. In the fridge.
33:57He's very sweaty otherwise.
33:59Yes?
34:01I'm quite tempted. How tempted? Out of 10?
34:03I said... Out of 12?
34:05Yeah, you see? You've got a lovely smile when you do that.
34:08But I won't. You smile.
34:10I've got a lovely smile when I smile. Yeah.
34:14Oh, Sally Dawson works for RASDA. Thank you, God. Yes!
34:18Oh, fucking brilliant. She wouldn't kiss me at school and now she works for RASDA.
34:21That's good. That is poetic justice. Yes.
34:23See, you want a career, you've got to get with Martin Deer.
34:25But only if you're a lady, cos I'm not queer.
34:27That's a wrap.
34:29My name is... Ooh! My name is... Ooh!
34:31My name is Martin...
34:33I've got to go.
34:39Martin Deer.
34:41I'm a senior doctor at a large teaching hospital,
34:44but I still find time to spend with my young Brazilian wife
34:47and two beautiful children,
34:49not to mention my collection of classic British sports cards.
34:52You twat! Go... I'm going!
34:54Yeah, I just came to get this bit of paper.
34:56Oi, twat!
35:00What? What's the matter?
35:02It was just... I haven't had sex since Oscar was born.
35:06And then last night, Ian touched my boob during Frost.
35:10And then his mother phoned in the middle of it and interrupted.
35:13Oh, I'm sorry.
35:15Oh, no, don't be. I had a twinge down there. It was wonderful.
35:22Fucking Mac. I know he fucking gets to the fucking canteen before me
35:25and he takes all the fucking jelly and hides it,
35:27cos he knows I fucking like it.
35:31What are you going to fucking do about it?
35:37Well, you can have mine.
35:42This doesn't mean that it's over.
35:50That fucker's going to get it.
35:52Get out. What? Out.
35:57Wanker.
35:59MUSIC PLAYS
36:24I wasn't trying. I didn't... You...
36:27I'm not even... Don't know what you're doing, so...
36:29OK, I'm just wearing my breast. Right.
36:31It's 1.2 kilos, so if I was going to post it in the UK,
36:34that would be £4.56,
36:37or to Europe, £6.12.
36:40You got anything you want to weigh? No, no, no, just...
36:45What, you mean my penis?
36:47Well, you could do, I suppose. See how much it would be to post.
36:51I'd say 28p UK or 68p Australia.
36:5528p's? That's light. Right.
36:57I mean, if you want to just pop it on the scales, I'd be happy to...
37:00No, cos I'm going to... I've got scales at home.
37:03I'll weigh it on them, so I'll just... What are you doing, anyway?
37:06I'm lurking about. Yeah, I'm not...
37:10Hey, maybe you and your 1.2 kilograms would like to come out for a drink?
37:14No. No.
37:17Right.
37:26No, no, no, no!
37:28Your bottom line is she asked me to deal with it.
37:30If you just wait! Having the time for this, Dr Statham?
37:33It'll free up more of your time if you just leave it to me to deal with it.
37:37Yes, well, as I say, I was only following Joanna's instructions.
37:40Yes, and I am only trying to help.
37:42Yes, well, let me handle it!
37:44Look, patient welfare is my responsibility.
37:46Exactly, and this is a wall, not a patient.
37:48The wall affects the patient psychologically.
37:51No, I won't get time for this, I'm afraid.
37:53I'll deal with it.
37:55Did you just push me?
37:57No, no, it wasn't a push.
37:59You did. You pushed me.
38:01No, no, it wasn't a push, it was just a...
38:03Oh!
38:05Sorry, I'll take some time.
38:07You're right, Suze. You just pushed me.
38:09No, Dr Hunter, he wasn't a push.
38:11Did you just push her?
38:13No, no, it wasn't a push, he was just trying to squeeze past her.
38:15But did you actually push her?
38:17No, no, no, it was...
38:19Did you actually push her?
38:21No, no, as I say, as I say...
38:23It wasn't so much a push, it was...
38:25It was actually self-defence.
38:27Self-defence? He pushed me. Twice.
38:29He does hit people.
38:31You can go away!
38:33No, that was just merely a demonstration...
38:35Of what?
38:37Well, of what the first...
38:39Pat, Pat, Pat.
38:41By Pat, you mean push.
38:43Nope!
38:45You do fine when people are bullied, it often creates a cycle of violence.
38:47I mean, I have to remind everybody here that I have seniority!
38:49Eh, well, why do you behave like a five-year-old?
38:51I heard that...
38:53Did you just touch my squadron?
38:55No!
39:03The point is, the point is...
39:05You...
39:07Hit...
39:17I mean...
39:19I am so sorry.
39:21I hear they're keeping you in for mild observation.
39:23Look, it's probably only concussion.
39:25But, er...
39:27If there's anything I can do...
39:31Sorry.
39:33Hi.
39:35Just so you're not out of step with everybody else yet,
39:37in this hospital,
39:39very few of us actually give presents to the patients at the end of the day.
39:41I mean, obviously it is your decision,
39:43but apart from that,
39:45it will cost you a fortune.
39:47So, you know...
39:49God knows, I know it's so easy to get involved.
39:51Get off me, I know this man.
39:53He tried to break into my brother's house.
39:55Right, thank you.
39:57Yeah, of course, that makes everything a lot clearer.
39:59Thanks.
40:01Martin.
40:03Consuela called, left a message for you.
40:05Who?
40:07Consuela, your young Brazilian wife.
40:09Something about your 1957 Jaguar being delivered.
40:11Martin, Martin.
40:13See this? Is that your signature?
40:15Yeah, it is, yeah.
40:17Yeah, can't really do smiley faces on death certificates.
40:19Look a little bit insensitive, OK?
40:21Right.
40:23Do you want to just sort that?
40:25Thanks, mate.
40:29Well, I think we'll have time to sort that at the meeting, don't you?
40:31Yeah.
40:33Yeah.
40:35Yeah, I'll get to that. Bye.
40:37Er...
40:39Is Aphrodite in for her Apollo?
40:41Well, I'm up to my neck in vacancy.
40:43Yes, yes, so there's the pen.
40:45I do think...
40:47Oh!
40:49Oh!
40:51Oh!
40:53Oh!
40:55Oh!
40:57Um...
40:59Yeah, sort it yourself.
41:01Good, that's more or less...
41:03I think you've covered it.
41:05Yes, I think so, and perhaps further...
41:07Thanks.
41:09As it were.
41:19Um, well, a friend of mine is, um...
41:23is having a...
41:25relationship
41:27with another friend of mine,
41:29and, um...
41:31the, er...
41:33the second friend, um...
41:35doesn't want anybody to know.
41:39Um, and the first friend,
41:41um...
41:43wants to shout from the rooftops,
41:45you know,
41:47I love you, I need you,
41:49er...
41:51Um, and obviously the first friend
41:53would, I think,
41:55prefer something
41:57a little more reciprocal.
42:01And, um...
42:03so this leads to...
42:09a...
42:19a great deal of frustration.
42:23Hmm.
42:25Well...
42:29have you discussed it with Joanna?
42:33Well, it happens as a grieve,
42:35does it?
42:37It's a good...
42:41red shank.
42:43Um...
42:45Hmm.
42:47Fuck off!
43:07Oh, yes, that seems to be working very well.
43:37Hello, Lily.
43:39Hello, Angel.
43:41Did you have a good day?
43:43I had a very good day, did you?
43:45Yeah, I had a good day.
43:47Yeah, I miss you.
43:49Mm, I miss you.
43:51I miss you.
43:53I miss you and your nose.
43:55Yeah, my nose misses you.
43:57I love your little nose.
43:59Yeah, my little nose.
44:01Your little button nose.
44:03It's not that little, though.
44:05Little ping-pong ball on the end.
44:07Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing.
44:09Yeah.
44:11Nah.
44:13Ah, that's better.
44:15Lovely little nose.
44:17Yeah, more kisses.
44:19Sweetie little nose.
44:21Quite manly as well.
44:23You should get the kink taken out of that.
44:25Then it'll be perfect.
44:27Only cost you about a grand.
44:29Come on, let's go.
44:35BUZZER
44:41No, no, no, it's a flat. It's my flat.
44:43You can stay there.
44:45BUZZER
44:47Guy, second turn.
44:49It's Swiss.
44:51BUZZER
44:53Clean sheets.
44:55Oh, yeah, there's too blue in the fridge.
44:57BUZZER
44:59BUZZER
45:01BUZZER
45:03BUZZER
45:05BUZZER
45:07BUZZER
45:09Sama kama bicha.
45:11Sama kama...
45:13Hello?
45:15Hi.
45:17Hey.
45:19Don't often honour us with your presence in here.
45:21Yeah, that's cos it's full of people like you.
45:23I'm killing time.
45:25Right. Can I have my usual, please?
45:27Erm...
45:29My usual pint of Guinness
45:31that I usually have, cos I love Guinness.
45:33So that's...
45:35Why are you killing time?
45:37I go back too early and my prey will have a chance
45:39to make another plan and escape.
45:41I go back too late and she'll be asleep.
45:43Timing is crucial.
45:45That's fantastic.
45:47I haven't a clue what you're on about, but that is...
45:49He's got prey.
45:51Really? Great.
45:53Fucking great, mate.
45:55Go down, you.
46:01Yeah.
46:23So tell me, why are you wearing a blouse?
46:25What?
46:27It's a blouse.
46:29I'm a designer.
46:31Laura Ashley?
46:33Are those roses?
46:35No.
46:37Well?
46:39Blouse.
46:41Blouse.
46:43Fuck.
46:45You are a genre.
46:47I am fresh blonde.
46:53Oh!
46:55Oh, that's lovely.
46:57We'll get used to it.
46:59Yeah, my favourite drinks.
47:01Can I have a Britvick chaser,
47:03that, please?
47:27Ah!
47:35You've got a super vagina.
47:37Yeah, thanks.
47:39Um...
47:41So, you're supposed to say something.
47:43Why?
47:45Well, you know,
47:47it's always me, you know,
47:49saying nice things about you.
47:51It might be nice
47:53if you reciprocated.
47:55All right.
47:57Um...
47:59You're, um...
48:03No, sorry, I can't think of anything.
48:05No, that's a joke.
48:07I can see the funny side of that.
48:09Seriously,
48:11it might be nice to get a bit of feedback.
48:13The same goes for our physical relationship.
48:15It's...
48:17I never get serviced.
48:19It's always me servicing you.
48:21Servicing?
48:23Oh, my God.
48:25You make me sound like a Ford Mondeo.
48:27Do you think I need my exhaust checking, then?
48:29Oh, yes, it might be nice
48:31if I had my exhaust pipe checked every now and again.
48:33Yeah, well, that wouldn't take long, would it?
48:35That would be a job for very quick fit.
48:37There's that.
48:39It's a joke.
48:41Size, isn't it?
48:43I don't know. You tell me.
48:45You're the joke expert.
48:47Yes, yes, I know, I know.
48:49No, obviously, I'm not concerned.
48:51However, I've seen many a cocky...
48:53I am a doctor.
48:55Oh, yeah,
48:57a radiologist.
48:59Well, I've seen quite a few.
49:01What, x-rays?
49:03Sort of pictures
49:05of cockies?
49:07How does it compare?
49:09To what?
49:11A gherkin? Baseball bat?
49:13Twiglet?
49:15Other people's.
49:17Oh, for heaven's sake.
49:19All right.
49:21I'd say you're, um...
49:23slightly below average.
49:29And you've got shit tits.
49:43Hi! I'm back.
49:45You won't believe the day I've had.
49:47I thought you were going to be on nights.
49:49Oh, spotty chinskin or Ramadan?
49:51Spotty chinskin.
49:53Fancy a drink? I know I do.
49:55I said I thought you were going to be on nights.
49:57Yeah, so did I. It's such a boring story, I won't bore you with it.
49:59Now, a little white wine or some Bollinger?
50:01You look like a bolly dolly.
50:03Oh, my ski pole. Now, that's got...
50:05Don't touch that end.
50:07You're telling me how to hold a ski pole?
50:09No, no, no, no. I'm just a little bit confused.
50:11Partly because you said you were going to be on nights
50:13and partly because you said you had a spare room.
50:15The spare room has gone?
50:17Phone the police.
50:19We're looking for a man with a spare room and a bottle of Bollinger.
50:21Look, you said you had a spare room and you don't.
50:23That was a lie.
50:25No, I've got a spore room.
50:27I keep... I collect spores from all over the world.
50:29I keep them in a...
50:31in a drawer, actually, in a spore drawer.
50:33I'm going.
50:35No, no, wait. Wait, no, no, wait.
50:37Cos, look, I tell you what, let's have something to eat
50:39and then we can talk.
50:41No, because how about some quail's eggs
50:43with a little raspberry juice?
50:45Look, just stop it, OK?
50:47I have slept in my car. I don't have a home.
50:49I smell. I have had a traumatic first day at work.
50:51Someone pulled my hair.
50:53I have come to a strange man's flat who is probably a psychopath
50:55and, to top it all, I've just done the biggest monster
50:57that won't go down.
50:59It won't go any further.
51:01I think I'm going to have to kill you.
51:03I'm going.
51:05No, no, no, tell you what. I'll tell you what.
51:07I'll go.
51:09But it's your flat.
51:11I'll go.
51:13And if you need anything, just yell, because I...
51:15Well, you can actually whisper under the door,
51:17cos I'll just be there, OK?
51:19And that smell, is that a good smell or a bad smell?
51:21Oh, God.
51:23Night.
51:27Shit!
51:41You may be thinking
51:43I'm comparing my penis
51:45to that of a corpse.
52:11Hey, come on, guys, come on.
52:13You know we don't play British Bulldog in theatre, yeah?
52:15If you want to mess around,
52:17bugger off back to A&E.
52:25Can we just try and be
52:27a little bit more professional?
52:29Jesus!
52:31Can't you walk?
52:33Jesus!