Sam Morril: You've Changed (2024)
Sam Morril showcases his unique laid-back style, effortlessly riffing on his experiences about the worst person he's ever dated, the challenges of ageing, and his take on various topics from cable news to the dangers of social media.
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00:00♪
00:13All right, Boston, keep it going, keep it going, guys.
00:16Keep it going, come on!
00:20Ladies and gentlemen, Stan Kochner!
00:24CHEERING
00:31Hello!
00:36How are you guys?
00:38Boston, hello. Oh, thank you.
00:41Uh, all right.
00:43Oh, don't... don't overdo it.
00:46It's not gonna be that good, but...
00:49Not a good listener. I'm not a good...
00:51I'm not good in relationships, very bad at listening.
00:53You ever do this in a relationship?
00:55You ever pop an Adderall and, uh, really listen?
00:59Hit him with that performance-enhanced listen?
01:02Like a Viagra, but for the relationship.
01:05Some would say more impressive. What's really more impressive?
01:08A hard cock or 45 straight minutes of,
01:10Mmm!
01:12Tell me more.
01:16I'm dating a very nice woman right now.
01:18The other night I come home from a gig.
01:20She's in my apartment dressed as a schoolgirl,
01:22which, uh, nice gesture, not really my fetish.
01:24I picked her because she's an adult.
01:26That's a big part of it.
01:28Also, she's older than me.
01:30She doesn't even look like a schoolgirl.
01:32She looks more like a dumbass that got held back 20 years.
01:35I'm like, oh, neat.
01:37I get to bang a special adult star tonight.
01:39That's... that's fun.
01:43We were sleeping together one night.
01:45While we're doing it, I lost my erection.
01:47It's a terrible moment.
01:49You know what I mean? It just slides out.
01:51Like a drunk being asked to leave the bar.
01:54And he's like, I'll be back.
01:56And everyone's like, I don't know, dude.
02:00And she got insecure.
02:02She was like, is it me? And I was like, yeah.
02:06It's not your fault. You're very attractive.
02:08It's just we've done this a lot.
02:10You ever try to explain the situation?
02:12You make it ten times worse.
02:14I was like, look, the penis is like a guard dog.
02:16For a stranger, it's gonna go crazy.
02:19But...
02:24With familiarity, it will soften.
02:28And she got angry.
02:30Started screaming and cursing at me.
02:32And then I got hard again.
02:36So it could be me.
02:38Been on the road a lot.
02:40Been traveling like crazy.
02:42I missed a gig in Vermont recently.
02:44I was flying from Texas to Vermont.
02:46I had to connect in Philly.
02:48The flight attendants will never admit you're gonna miss the connection.
02:50I told her, I was like, I'm not gonna make this.
02:52She goes, trust me.
02:54I said, I'm looking at the live updates.
02:56She goes, I think you'll be okay.
02:58I said, all right.
03:00So we land in Philly at gate B2.
03:02My connection, F32.
03:04On my phone, it says we're boarding.
03:06So I just held up the phone to show her.
03:08She looks at me and she goes, run.
03:10Now I'm that lunatic sprinting through the airport.
03:12You've seen that guy. You know it's hopeless.
03:14I get there just as the door is shutting.
03:16And I scream out, out of breath,
03:18please don't shut the door.
03:20Please don't shut the door.
03:22She looks right at me. I'm so sorry.
03:24Right in my face.
03:26I said, I really need to get on that flight.
03:28And she goes, there's nothing that can be done now that the door is shut.
03:30I said, it was you who shut it, though.
03:32Please.
03:34I've got a gig tonight in Vermont.
03:36I really need to make it.
03:38She goes, you won't be making that.
03:40So I ask her, what do I do?
03:42She goes, I get you a flight, Philly, Chicago, Vermont.
03:44You land at 10.30 p.m.
03:46I said, that doesn't help me.
03:48I said, let me think about it.
03:50She goes, it's boarding right now.
03:52I said, I'll take it.
03:54She goes, all right, it's gate B4.
03:56So immediately I start sprinting.
03:58People saw me who saw me run the other way.
04:00It's a humiliating moment.
04:02I get on the next flight by an eyelash.
04:04I should be grateful, but I'm in the last row, middle seat.
04:06That's all they had.
04:08I'm fuming.
04:10I start pounding Bloody Marys.
04:12Then I start drinking whiskey.
04:14Before I know it, I'm pretty drunk.
04:16I get on the plane.
04:18I get on the plane.
04:20I get on the plane.
04:22I get on the plane.
04:24I get on the plane.
04:26I get on the plane.
04:28I get on the plane.
04:30I get on the plane.
04:32I get on the plane.
04:34I get on the plane.
04:36I get on the plane.
04:38I get on the plane.
04:40I get on the plane.
04:42I get on the plane.
04:44The Russians always enjoy 7,500 bonus points.
04:46Which, you know, sure,
04:48I made the Jewboy thing, but still,
04:507,500 points for a word that harmful
04:52feels like a slap in the face,
04:54so I responded,
04:56shame on you anti-Semites,
04:58but they wrote back,
05:00we decided to give you
05:02an additional 7,500 points.
05:04I just pictured them in the boardroom
05:06like the N-word is worth 25,000.
05:08Jewboy, you have to start low
05:10cuz they will haggle with you.
05:12That's, uh, yeah.
05:19Trying to drink less.
05:20It's interesting as you get older, right?
05:22In my 20s, I would get wasted.
05:24I'd wake up the next morning hungover,
05:25like, what did I say to that girl last night?
05:28You know?
05:29I wake up hungover now like,
05:30did I sign up for a Paramount Plus last night
05:32with an NP cock?
05:34Oh, my God, I got hammered.
05:38I got really drunk at a steakhouse
05:40with my friend recently, though,
05:41and, uh, you know, a few too many Manhattans.
05:43I get back to my apartment.
05:44I'm on my phone.
05:45What pops up?
05:46It's a little girl with cancer.
05:48It's horrible.
05:49I got emotional.
05:50I got, like, visibly upset.
05:51I was like, this is messed up.
05:53Life is so unfair.
05:54I made a big donation to the charity.
05:56And then I woke up the next morning like,
05:58that is a bit more than I would have given, honestly.
06:02That's a tough situation.
06:03There's not a lot you can do.
06:06Hello, American Express Fraud Department.
06:10Some piece of garbage stole my card.
06:13No, not the steakhouse.
06:14St. Jude's Children's Hospital?
06:16That's the one I'm trying to contest here.
06:21You know what a guilty pleasure is
06:22when you're drunk?
06:23A cigarette.
06:24There's something very old-fashioned,
06:25bad about it.
06:26I love it.
06:27You got to respect the cigarette smoker.
06:28They are slowly killing themselves.
06:29You got to give them a nod.
06:30Yeah.
06:31Look at the dirtbags in this city.
06:32I love it.
06:33So cigarettes are something more,
06:35I don't know, like,
06:36they do make the vape people
06:37look like pussies, don't they?
06:39There's something more trustworthy
06:40about the cigarettes.
06:42You see a detective with a cigarette,
06:43he's going to find the missing girl.
06:46He's got a vape pen.
06:47She's fucking gone.
06:48You know, it's...
06:49And he's going to break the noose to you
06:51while breathing kiwi mango in your face.
06:53It's...
06:54It's a double bummer.
07:00I'll tell you, the AI scares me,
07:01the, you know, the artificial intelligence,
07:03this new tech.
07:04It's all crazy.
07:05They have wheelchairs now
07:06that can be driven by neurological impulses.
07:08I'm like, is that good?
07:09I can't control my thoughts.
07:11Some guy's going to be in a wheelchair like,
07:13that is a hot piece of ass.
07:17Wheelchair, no!
07:21It's the wheelchair's fault.
07:24How about sex robots?
07:25What do you think?
07:26You think you'd do it?
07:28No, just me?
07:29All right.
07:30Guess what?
07:31You think you won't, but you might.
07:33I think it's going to be like cell phones,
07:34even if you're broke,
07:35you're going to be like,
07:36I need a sex robot.
07:37But if you're really broke,
07:38you will get a lower end model.
07:41Like maybe while you're fucking it,
07:42you get ads.
07:46Your balls deep in the robot,
07:47all of a sudden you hear,
07:48liberty, liberty, liberty.
07:57But I'm gone a lot.
07:58I'm on the road a lot.
07:59It is very hard to have a connection
08:00with a human being
08:01when you're always connecting
08:02through the phone.
08:03It's just not easy
08:04to be in a relationship.
08:05For years, I remember
08:06I'd meet girls on apps.
08:07I met a girl on one of the apps
08:08once in her profile
08:09that said anti-human trafficking.
08:13Didn't know we had to announce it,
08:14but I've never been burned on that one.
08:18I'm on date number four like,
08:19oh, you're pro-trafficking.
08:20Oh, okay.
08:22No, it's cool.
08:23I'm still trying to get laid.
08:24No, I like that.
08:25That's very cool.
08:30I'm messaging with this woman.
08:31We haven't even met in person yet,
08:32but we're texting a lot
08:33because I'm gone all the time
08:34on the road.
08:35She's texting me
08:36these very sexual messages,
08:37each one crazier than the last.
08:39She sends me one.
08:40At one point,
08:41a guy's getting blown
08:42with a finger
08:43in his butthole woman's finger,
08:44and I was shocked,
08:45but, you know,
08:46shout out to in-flight Wi-Fi.
08:47It did come through crystal clear.
08:49Still a shocking text
08:50to get at 30,000 feet in the sky.
08:53Underneath, she writes,
08:54do you want this to happen to you?
08:56So, you know, I meet her for a drink,
08:58and I would have turned
09:00the plane around if I could,
09:01but I had to wait a couple days.
09:04We're having drinks.
09:05She shows me, on the date,
09:06I'd say 157 pictures of her dog,
09:08and I was like, different energy
09:10than the other day,
09:11but that's okay.
09:12But, you know, I'm playing along,
09:13and I was like, he's very cute,
09:15and she goes, that's it?
09:17Can't you fake it a little bit?
09:18And I was like,
09:19that was me faking it, honestly,
09:21but we get drunker and drunker,
09:23and at one point, she goes,
09:24I have a weird fetish,
09:26and I said, all right.
09:27She goes, I really like to pee on men,
09:30and I said, excuse me?
09:32She goes, it would make me really wet
09:33if I could pee on you.
09:34I said, I think it would make me pretty wet
09:36if you peed on me.
09:39She goes, would you let me do that to you?
09:41And I was like, yeah, what the fuck?
09:43You only live once.
09:45What am I, an elitist?
09:48She starts pointing and laughing at me,
09:49and I asked her, what the hell is so funny?
09:51She goes, it was a joke.
09:53I was making a joke.
09:54I can't believe you let someone do that to you.
09:55Clearly, that was a joke,
09:56and I was like, that's not a good joke.
10:00That's not standard humor,
10:02is you fake a fetish, the other person bites,
10:04and then you point and laugh and shame them.
10:06That's not...
10:08That's not great.
10:10And she goes, I guess it wasn't very nice.
10:12I said, it's all right.
10:13She goes, I'm gonna make it up to you.
10:14I said, really?
10:15She goes, whatever your actual fetish is,
10:16I'm gonna do it to you tonight,
10:17and I said, anything?
10:18She goes, anything.
10:19I was like, all right,
10:20it would really turn me on
10:21if we murdered your dog.
10:23It'd be cool.
10:26Or at least took a pee on your dog.
10:28I feel like your dog should suffer
10:30for what I've been through,
10:31is what I think.
10:34My last special, I had a joke
10:36that went viral.
10:37It was a trans joke.
10:38It was a pretty positive joke,
10:39but when a joke goes viral,
10:40as a comedian, at first,
10:41you're like, hell yeah,
10:42and then a second later, you're like,
10:43this could be bad for me.
10:46I was watching people weigh in in real time.
10:48A lot of them were trans.
10:49The first trans person was like,
10:50this is how you do it,
10:51and I was like,
10:52consummate professional over here.
10:53That's what I do.
10:55The next trans person was like,
10:56this is our guy now,
10:58and I was like, uh-oh.
11:01I support.
11:02You don't want me to be
11:03the voice of the movement.
11:04I'm fairly dumb.
11:06The next trans person writes,
11:07he's my least favorite comedian,
11:09and yes, I am familiar
11:10with his work,
11:11and I was like,
11:12that last part bothered me,
11:13honestly.
11:16He keeps hammering me.
11:17Samorell sucks.
11:18He's the worst.
11:19He's the worst.
11:20He's the worst.
11:21And you know,
11:22I never do this,
11:23but I'm bored on the road.
11:24I click on the profile.
11:25I kid you not,
11:26it's someone who tried
11:27to aggressively cancel me in 2013
11:29because she hated my jokes,
11:31and yes, I just said she.
11:32He used to be a she.
11:33Who cares?
11:34But every post now is,
11:35Samorell's the worst.
11:37He made bad jokes in 2013.
11:39So finally, I responded,
11:41and I wrote,
11:42but you know that people can change.
11:45You were a woman.
11:46It's not possible
11:47I'm a slightly different dude?
11:48Let's be fair here.
11:49You know, I...
11:53People get so weird
11:54with the trans stuff,
11:55how angry people were
11:56about the partnership
11:57Bud Light made
11:58with the trans woman,
11:59Dylan Mulvaney.
12:00I will say this.
12:01Shame on Bud Light
12:02for pretending to be good people.
12:04That did,
12:05that did a lot of good.
12:06That did a lot of good.
12:07That did a lot of good.
12:08That did a lot of good.
12:09That did a lot of good.
12:10That did a lot of good.
12:11That did a lot of good.
12:12That did a lot of good.
12:13That did,
12:14that did bother me.
12:15That Bud Light's like,
12:16guys, before you guzzle 17 of these
12:18and then drive home
12:21and sneak into your kid's room
12:23in the middle of the night
12:24to beat the shit out of him
12:25for no reason,
12:26take a moment to stop
12:28and celebrate a trans trailblazer.
12:30That,
12:32that's what we do at Bud Light.
12:36Anyone who was really pissed
12:37that Dylan Mulvaney
12:38was on the Bud Light
12:39can't get a life.
12:41I liked that she was on the cam personally.
12:44I did.
12:45Because I would look at it
12:46and when I would find her attractive
12:47I would know that I can't drive home.
12:49So,
12:52for me it provided a service
12:54and,
12:56yeah.
12:57If you don't like that one
12:58you're kind of pro-drunk driving too
12:59so you're in a pickle.
13:04It is interesting to see
13:05all these streamers
13:06all of a sudden become like allies.
13:08Have you noticed that?
13:09Netflix, Hulu,
13:10whichever one doesn't buy
13:11this next special.
13:12They,
13:14whatever group is most
13:15marginalized that month
13:16they're like,
13:17oh please enjoy our selection
13:18of hashtag
13:19end Asian hate classics
13:22featuring all the essentials
13:23and you see they have nothing.
13:24They're like,
13:25oh Harold and Kumar too
13:26escaped from Guantanamo Bay
13:28and
13:30don't forget about trans awareness.
13:31That's why we got
13:32Mrs. Doubtfire
13:33all month long.
13:34So,
13:36Netflix put Dahmer
13:37under LGBT
13:40which I saw that
13:41and I was like,
13:44you know someone high up
13:45who's like,
13:46they'll appreciate it.
13:48You guys know gay icon
13:49Jeffrey Dahmer?
13:52Instrumental in the movement.
13:58But then you see companies
13:59go the other way with it
14:00like Chick-fil-A
14:01was the first one I noticed
14:02years ago
14:03out of nowhere
14:04just like,
14:05we're against gay marriage
14:06and I think most people
14:07were like,
14:08you make chicken though right?
14:09You didn't have to say anything
14:10just a strange thing to announce.
14:13Just want to break out
14:14the social commentary
14:15maybe work into an ad
14:16so there's context.
14:17Like we at Chick-fil-A
14:18are against a woman's
14:19right to choose
14:20unless she's choosing
14:21a spicy chicken biscuit
14:24breakfast sandwich
14:26in which case
14:27choose away ladies.
14:30You guys are a good crowd.
14:31You know what?
14:32You deserve some abortion jokes.
14:34Yeah.
14:40Hey.
14:41Hey.
14:42You earned it.
14:45Some states
14:46want to make abortion
14:47a class A felony.
14:48You know what else
14:49is a class A felony?
14:50Kidnapping.
14:52Isn't that crazy?
14:53Those people want kids.
15:00I say we introduce
15:01them to each other
15:02a month prior
15:03and give a lot of people
15:04a headache.
15:08Look I'm a very spiritual man
15:10and I believe in reincarnation.
15:14Yeah you can tell
15:15by my energy right?
15:17I believe in reincarnation.
15:18I think if you're an
15:19unwanted aborted fetus
15:20you will someday come back
15:22as that guy at parties
15:23where everyone's like
15:24he's here.
15:29Still unwanted
15:30but in new form.
15:31So that's
15:32fun.
15:35Here's one I might
15:36lose some of you on.
15:38Why is it always
15:39the most pro-life people
15:40who are the ones
15:41who leave the babies
15:42in the hot car?
15:45Have you noticed that?
15:47Every time they're like
15:48life is precious
15:49but so is Walmart.
15:50So
15:52you better hope
15:53it's not a super Walmart
15:54or that baby's toast.
15:56Too many options
15:57in the super Walmart.
15:59You walk in like
16:00I'm going to get some
16:01groceries maybe
16:02some clothes while I'm here.
16:03Then you get to
16:04the baby clothes
16:05and you're like
16:06shit.
16:08You gotta walk up
16:09to the register like
16:10one extra bag please.
16:15Yeah you know
16:18that's
16:21that one always
16:22pisses off the environmentalist
16:23but you can't be scared
16:24as a comedian.
16:25You really gotta
16:27I love that I'm getting
16:28applause breaks
16:29on dead baby jokes.
16:31In a room that has
16:32a chandelier.
16:34This venue has history
16:35and I'm like
16:36you guys want to hear
16:37another dead baby joke?
16:41Oh yeah.
16:44I do like kids.
16:45I have a nephew
16:46he's a cute kid.
16:47The other day he goes
16:48Uncle Sam you want to
16:49play a game?
16:50I said you got it.
16:51He goes alright
16:52would you rather?
16:53I was like uh oh.
16:54He goes would you rather
16:55get chased by a grizzly bear
16:56or have to swim
16:57from a shark?
16:58And I was like
16:59if I had to choose
17:00would you rather
17:01get chased by a grizzly bear?
17:02And he goes
17:03well you'd be dead.
17:04Five years old
17:05these are the games
17:06they're playing.
17:07Then he goes
17:08your turn.
17:09I was like alright
17:10would you rather be
17:11a sex slave to a pedo
17:12or get chased
17:13by a grizzly bear?
17:15And he was like
17:16sex slave to a pedo
17:17and I said I think
17:18that's the move for you
17:19because you can
17:20bounce back from that
17:21you know?
17:26Smart kid.
17:30I have a niece as well
17:31very young.
17:32You hang out with
17:33these young kids
17:34you got to let them
17:35pick the movies.
17:36I was like hey
17:37you want to watch
17:38Pulp Fiction or Django
17:39Unchained?
17:40It's your choice.
17:41She wanted to watch
17:42Sesame Street Classic
17:43I watched it growing up.
17:44I feel like these
17:45kids shows when I was
17:46young though they felt
17:47a bit more escapist
17:48and now even kids shows
17:49they sneak into
17:50political agenda.
17:51They sneak it in
17:52but I catch it.
17:53One of the Muppets
17:54was like leaving
17:55home is hard.
17:56The other one goes
17:57it sure is.
17:58And I was like
18:00left wing propaganda
18:01for children.
18:03Harder to make a
18:04Republican kid show
18:05but that's the one
18:06I want to see you know?
18:07Big Bird is just like
18:08look some of these
18:09Muppets come here
18:10and they rape our women
18:13and I'm scared
18:15and I fear change
18:16on Sesame Street.
18:20The news is so
18:21upsetting now
18:22with the war
18:23it's so violent
18:24so much bloodshed
18:25it really makes you
18:26long for the days
18:27that Paul Pelosi
18:28had.
18:29Those were
18:30simpler times.
18:31We didn't know
18:32how good we had it.
18:35I was watching
18:36Fox News when that
18:37story broke and I
18:38have to give them
18:39a lot of
18:40the person who
18:41doesn't know there's
18:42a joke coming
18:43there's a
18:46it's a comedy show
18:47there's going to be
18:48a turn.
18:49Where were you
18:50in the dead baby chunk?
18:52Very strange.
18:57I choose odd times
18:58to take a stand.
19:03It's alright.
19:05I've never heard a
19:06woman say that before.
19:07Let me take a second here.
19:08Hold on.
19:14I uh
19:16I've never heard
19:17a woman say that before.
19:18Let me take a second
19:19here.
19:20I uh
19:22I was watching
19:23Fox News when the
19:24Paul Pelosi story
19:25broke and I have to
19:26give them a lot of
19:27credit for handling
19:28with a lot of class.
19:29By immediately coming
19:30on and calling him
19:31a homosexual.
19:32I thought that was
19:33very cool.
19:34An 80 something
19:35year old man's in
19:36the ER.
19:37His condition's
19:38unknown.
19:39Tucker Carlson
19:40comes on like
19:41I think he's gay.
19:42Don't just take it
19:43from me.
19:44We have a special
19:45expert correspondent.
19:46Thank you Tucker.
19:47My takeaway is that
19:49I wish Fox News
19:50was around in the
19:511800s.
19:53President Lincoln
19:54has been assassinated
19:55at the theater.
20:00Was Honest A
20:01being honest with
20:02himself?
20:03I don't know.
20:04Definitely the first
20:05time he took a shot
20:06in the back of the head.
20:07So that guy
20:10kinda gay.
20:19It is depressing
20:20watching the news
20:21because you're like
20:22this ain't gonna be
20:23good you know.
20:24Trump and Biden
20:25is pretty depressed.
20:26Objectively it is funny.
20:27If you're not American
20:28but if you live here
20:29you're like this is
20:30unfortunate for sure.
20:32Trump versus Biden
20:33is kinda like a
20:34drunk driver versus
20:35a guy who keeps
20:36falling asleep at the wheel.
20:38Like that guy's awake.
20:39He's not.
20:40He's not awake.
20:42The point is you
20:43ain't getting home.
20:44It ain't good.
20:46I was talking to
20:47my friend about
20:48Trump the other day.
20:49He goes he's a
20:50malignant narcissist.
20:51And I was like
20:52what do you mean?
20:53He goes he only likes
20:54people who like him.
20:55And I was like
20:56I guess I'm a
20:57malignant narcissist.
20:59If Vladimir Putin
21:00tweeted you gotta
21:01check out the new
21:02Samorell comedy special
21:03I think I'd be like
21:04look he is a
21:05complicated man.
21:10So many of these
21:11stories now break
21:12on social media
21:13and then you see
21:14the comments come
21:15flooding in and you
21:16know where we are.
21:17We're not far from
21:18a country getting nuked
21:19in the first comment
21:20being like yo
21:21they fucked around
21:22and found out.
21:25Instagram is a
21:26ridiculous place.
21:28You see people at
21:29their absolute highest
21:30and their absolute lowest.
21:31Guess which one
21:32upsets you more?
21:33It's the people thriving.
21:34Because someone's
21:35struggling and you're
21:36like hang in there buddy.
21:37Then you see another
21:38guy's like I just
21:39got a promotion at work.
21:40Got the best wife
21:41in the world and
21:42I love my little girl.
21:43I'm sitting on the
21:44toilet hung over like
21:45motherfucker.
21:46You think you're
21:47better than me dude?
21:51I saw a woman on
21:52Instagram doing an
21:53ad for a vibrator
21:54recently.
21:55Not a porn star
21:56just a regular person
21:57doing an ad.
21:58Had a really subtle
21:59name too I think
22:00it was called
22:01The Clitsucker
22:02and she was like
22:03ever since I
22:04discovered this
22:05little gadget here
22:06my life has really
22:07turned around.
22:08The comments were
22:09warm and receptive.
22:10Not a lot of men
22:11doing paid promotional
22:12masturbation ads huh?
22:13You're not going to
22:14see me on Instagram
22:15Aveeno is the
22:16only lotion that
22:17makes me cum.
22:21Aveeno immediately
22:22hits me with a
22:23cease and desist
22:24like you gotta
22:25gotta cut that out.
22:26I'm like sorry Aveeno.
22:29It's because women
22:30are less creepy than
22:31men so you get to
22:32do that you get
22:33paid masturbation
22:34ad privilege.
22:35Because I feel like
22:36women masturbate like
22:37it's a nice thing to
22:38do and I masturbate
22:39like I got bit by a
22:40snake and I need to
22:41get the poison out
22:42immediately.
22:45I feel like women
22:46are in bed like I
22:47suppose I could.
22:48I'm standing over the
22:49sink like I've got a
22:50zoom call in five.
22:51Let's try to morph
22:52back into a human
22:53quickly that would
22:54be nice.
22:56I don't even judge
22:57public masturbators
22:58anymore.
22:59I'm like I think that
23:00guy's late for a
23:01meeting probably.
23:02That's a good man.
23:03I do love this
23:04country though.
23:05I really do.
23:06I travel.
23:07I see a lot of parts
23:08that I maybe wouldn't
23:09see if I didn't do
23:10this and I was
23:11recently in
23:12Springfield Missouri
23:13and I was like
23:14that's not a normal
23:15thing for a New York
23:16Jew.
23:17We don't do that
23:18growing up.
23:19The only weapons we
23:20really sell like maybe
23:21a ninja star in
23:22Chinatown but that's
23:23not a great self
23:24defense weapon.
23:25But we're firing
23:26guns at the range.
23:27It's pretty cool you
23:28know.
23:29Guns are very
23:30controversial.
23:31They're a lot like
23:32babies.
23:33They are easy to
23:34hate but then you
23:35hold one and you're
23:36like I kind of get
23:37it dude.
23:38It really it's
23:39pretty cool.
23:40That's my theory.
23:41Guns are like babies.
23:42They're like baby
23:43lines.
23:44You date someone
23:45new you find out
23:46they have either
23:47like this could be a
23:48problem for me.
23:49And both will be in
23:50a school soon.
23:51So you know.
23:52Guys not all the
23:53jokes are happy.
23:54Some of them just
23:55work mathematically.
23:56They're not.
23:57My favorite gun
23:58enthusiast is the
23:59one who's like it's
24:00for emergencies only.
24:01Then you see his
24:02profile pic on social
24:03media he's like.
24:04I don't know what
24:05this is.
24:06I don't know what
24:07this is.
24:08I don't know what
24:09this is.
24:10I don't know if
24:12it's for emergencies.
24:13Oh shit.
24:14It's only for
24:15emergencies.
24:16You never see a guy
24:17who's holding an
24:18EpiPen.
24:20Hope it doesn't
24:21come to this.
24:24But if I accidentally
24:25chew a peanut I
24:26will use this.
24:29Not a lot of guns
24:30in New York City
24:31which is probably
24:32for the best.
24:33It's densely populated.
24:34The people are
24:35pretty unhinged.
24:37But they don't have
24:38a gun you can assume.
24:39So you're like I can
24:40get my anger out.
24:41Probably he's not
24:42caring you know.
24:43You use that as
24:44like fast track therapy
24:45almost.
24:46You bump a stranger
24:47and you're like watch
24:48where you're going
24:49dickhead.
24:50He's like fuck you
24:51dweeb.
24:52And then you turn to
24:53each other as you're
24:54walking away like
24:55good sesh.
24:56I was on the subway
24:57the other day in
24:58New York.
24:59I accidentally made
25:00eye contact with a
25:01crazy person.
25:02That's a terrible
25:03moment.
25:04As a man that is
25:05the closest you
25:06come to feeling
25:07like a woman in
25:08a bar.
25:09He's coming toward
25:10me which is
25:11not what I wanted.
25:13He sits next to me
25:14on the train.
25:15Puts his hand
25:16on my leg.
25:17There's nothing
25:18you can say.
25:19You can't be like
25:20oh I don't like that
25:21when people do that.
25:22I don't feel safe
25:23right now.
25:24So I had to get up.
25:25I walk away.
25:26I put my hand in
25:27the pole.
25:28He follows me.
25:29He puts his hand
25:30right above mine.
25:31So it's touching.
25:32He's just staring at me.
25:33Everyone on the
25:34train is watching
25:35but they're not
25:36watching like they're
25:37going to help.
25:39The city will
25:40eat away at you.
25:41You got to get out of
25:42New York every once
25:43in a while because
25:44at a certain point
25:45you just become a
25:46lunatic.
25:47You're around these
25:48people all the time.
25:49What really obsessed
25:50me about New York is
25:51you can't really
25:52find a yellow cab
25:53easily anymore because
25:54Uber and Lyft come
25:55into town.
25:56They kill them.
25:574 a.m. comes around.
25:58I can't find a yellow
25:59cab.
26:00I refuse to take
26:01the Ubers or Lyfts.
26:02Dudes start rolling
26:03up on you in their
26:04own car.
26:05No affiliation with
26:06a car service.
26:07I give him my
26:08home address.
26:09He goes,
26:10$60.
26:11I'm like,
26:12I'm not paying you
26:13$60.
26:14It's two miles.
26:15He goes,
26:16you fucking pussy.
26:17I said,
26:18you're a low life.
26:19He goes,
26:20you loser.
26:21I said,
26:22you're the loser.
26:23You're driving around
26:24alone at 4 a.m.
26:25He goes,
26:26you're a bigger loser.
26:27You walk alone at
26:284 a.m.
26:29I said,
26:30I hope your car
26:31crashes and it
26:32bursts into flames.
26:33He goes,
26:34I hope you get robbed
26:35and beaten in the
26:36ass.
26:37I said,
26:38I'm not paying you
26:39$50.
26:40And he's like,
26:41all right.
26:42I got in the car,
26:43and as he's
26:44dropping me off
26:45at home,
26:46I tipped him out
26:4710.
26:48He was scrappy,
26:49you know?
26:50But,
26:51problem is,
26:52you gotta get out
26:53of New York
26:54sometimes,
26:55because that energy
26:56will take years
26:57off your life.
26:58That constant
26:59fight or flight energy.
27:00I was doing a gig
27:01in London recently.
27:02My girlfriend was like,
27:03please,
27:04after this,
27:05we will go to Greece.
27:06I'll be a normal guy
27:07sitting by the pool
27:08in black socks
27:09reading a book
27:10about Hitler.
27:11She was like,
27:12all right,
27:13that's as good
27:14as it's gonna get,
27:15I guess.
27:16We're going there.
27:17What happens
27:18as we're going
27:19from London to Greece?
27:20First thing that happens,
27:21I'm going through security.
27:22They take my lube.
27:23It was my fault.
27:24It was too big a lube.
27:25I rolled the dice.
27:26I live dangerously.
27:27But it was the way
27:28he took it.
27:29He didn't say,
27:30I'm taking this.
27:31He loudly went,
27:32I'm confiscating
27:33your lube.
27:34I said,
27:35but I need it.
27:36Please.
27:40We get there.
27:41She's like,
27:42I'm so hungry.
27:43I need to eat.
27:44You gotta feed
27:45your girlfriends, guys.
27:46They don't know how
27:47to do it on their own.
27:48I don't know what she does
27:49when I'm not around.
27:50I think she just says
27:51I'm hungry
27:52and it just disappears
27:53in the air
27:54and she just sits there
27:55cold and starving.
27:56I don't,
27:57I'm not trying
27:58to generalize,
27:59but I do feel
28:00like all women
28:01are like that.
28:04All of you
28:05who have ever lived,
28:06you get very cranky
28:07when you're hungry.
28:08It must be tough
28:09to date a woman
28:10in a third world country,
28:11I would think.
28:13I feel like every boyfriend
28:14there is like,
28:15this is bullshit.
28:22We get to a restaurant.
28:23In walks a woman
28:24with enormous fake breasts
28:25and you better believe
28:26I looked
28:27and she was not happy.
28:29My girlfriend,
28:30I don't think
28:31the woman noticed,
28:32but my girlfriend goes,
28:33oh, that's what you like?
28:34I said, I wish
28:35it were that simple.
28:36You know,
28:37you're better than her,
28:38but that's not how it works.
28:39You're a Michelin star restaurant,
28:40but I'm a man.
28:41I see a Panda Express,
28:42I look.
28:43And then one day you're alone,
28:45that's all you eat
28:46is Panda Express
28:47and you're like,
28:48this ain't good.
28:49Single sex
28:50is more thrilling,
28:51but it lacks
28:52a nutritional value.
28:53Relationship sex
28:54is boring,
28:55but it's healthier.
28:56It's like a piece
28:57of grilled salmon
28:58relationship sex.
29:00No one's jazzed
29:01to eat salmon,
29:02but you finish it
29:03and you're like,
29:04pretty good.
29:06Single sex
29:07is Panda Express.
29:08You walk in like,
29:09this is gonna be excellent.
29:10The second it's over,
29:11I'm like,
29:12I think I'm gonna commit suicide.
29:13I think, uh,
29:14I'm a deeply unhappy man
29:16and tonight's the night
29:17I end it all.
29:20The night of the one night stand,
29:21I'm filled with passion.
29:22The next morning,
29:23it's a different story.
29:24The night of,
29:25I'm like,
29:26I'll move to Cleveland
29:27and I'm like,
29:28I don't care.
29:29The next morning,
29:30I'm like,
29:31if she died,
29:32it would have little
29:33to no impact
29:34on my day to day.
29:35Just be honest here.
29:36You ever hook up
29:37with someone
29:38from another country?
29:39That's a different energy, right?
29:41I was with this woman
29:42from Argentina.
29:43Some stuff is lost
29:44in translation
29:45when this happens.
29:46You know,
29:47like right before
29:48we sleep together,
29:49she goes,
29:50this I would surely regret.
29:51And I was like,
29:52I wonder what that means.
29:53You know,
29:54it's so interesting
29:55to be around other cultures,
29:57I had a one night stand
29:58with a woman once
29:59we were at my apartment.
30:00I'm going down on her
30:01and she's taking her time
30:02and not trying to be insensitive.
30:05I just,
30:06I have a legitimate
30:07neck concern.
30:08So, you know,
30:09the whole time I'm down there,
30:10I'm just thinking
30:11of all the PT
30:12I'm going to have to do
30:13to get back on track.
30:14There's resistance band work.
30:15It's a whole thing.
30:16It was at least 22 minutes
30:17because an entire episode
30:18of Frasier played in the back.
30:20Yeah.
30:21And if anyone's wondering,
30:22that show does hold up.
30:24Yeah.
30:25With my mouth,
30:26I was licking,
30:27but with my mind,
30:28I was like,
30:29fucking Niles,
30:30that guy is a rascal
30:31and OG legend.
30:33And then like 30,
30:3435 minutes in,
30:35she just went,
30:36I came,
30:37no buildup,
30:38no uh, uh,
30:39no shaking of the leg,
30:40just a wooden delivery.
30:41I came.
30:42You ever watch an indie film
30:43and the credits just
30:44pop up out of nowhere?
30:48I was like,
30:49did you just no country
30:50for old men me
30:51with your cooch?
30:53My last breakup,
30:54I was very sad.
30:55I was very low
30:56at a certain point.
30:57She broke up with me.
30:58She touched my arm
30:59to console me
31:00as she did it
31:01and I flexed,
31:02which,
31:04definite low point
31:05in my life.
31:06I don't know if I thought
31:07that was going to
31:08change her mind.
31:09Like she's like,
31:10wait a second.
31:11Can you curl 25 pounds?
31:13I'm like,
31:14I'm getting there.
31:15I'll tell you that much.
31:17Here's a little
31:18breakup advice.
31:19Never look at an ex
31:21social media ever.
31:22Don't do it.
31:23All my exes,
31:24they're sending me signals.
31:26Like every post
31:27is still clearly for me.
31:29You know what I mean?
31:30Smiling in a wedding dress.
31:32Nice try.
31:34Sad.
31:36Sad when people
31:37can't move on
31:38with their life.
31:40I was sad
31:41after the breakup.
31:42My friends were like,
31:43hey, you got to get out there.
31:44You got to get laid.
31:46I was like,
31:47hell yeah.
31:48I get street
31:49and I'm sad.
31:50But then that voice
31:51in your head is like,
31:52it will make you sad
31:53if you do that.
31:54I was like,
31:55right, right.
31:56But then that voice
31:57in my head is like,
31:58but you'll do it.
31:59And I was like,
32:00of course, yeah.
32:01I meet this woman.
32:02She's beautiful,
32:03but she's incredibly vain.
32:04She picks out
32:05a pretty pricey spot.
32:06We go to dinner.
32:07While we're having dinner,
32:08she actually says this.
32:09She goes,
32:10you know my last boyfriend?
32:11Starting quarterback
32:12in the NFL,
32:13so you know.
32:14I said,
32:15I know what?
32:16She goes,
32:17that I'm a catch.
32:19And she gave me a look.
32:20I said,
32:21you're very attractive.
32:22She goes,
32:23you're just saying that
32:24because you're trying
32:25to sleep with me.
32:26I said,
32:27and you're pretty smart as well.
32:28So you know,
32:29it's pretty good.
32:30The bill comes 375 bucks.
32:32And she saw it
32:33because I angled it.
32:34And we're back at my place.
32:38We're making out.
32:39She stops kissing me
32:40for a sec.
32:41And she goes,
32:42I don't want to be some girl
32:43you text your friends about.
32:44I said,
32:45I'm not going to text
32:46my friend Chase about this.
32:48She goes,
32:49Chase?
32:50I was like,
32:51too specific.
32:52You're not supposed
32:53to have a name
32:54locked and loaded.
32:55But that's my recap buddy,
32:56Chase.
32:57Everyone here
32:58has a recap buddy.
32:59It's just your horny friend.
33:01It's your friend
33:02who's a little too excited
33:03that you got laid.
33:04This is how
33:05it usually plays out.
33:06Dude,
33:07I had sex last night.
33:08He writes back,
33:09Instagram profile now.
33:11I shoot it over.
33:12He writes back,
33:13hell yeah.
33:14And I'm ashamed to say
33:15his enthusiasm
33:16fills the emptiness
33:17of my life with purpose.
33:18So,
33:19I continue making out with her.
33:21I go to remove her pants.
33:22She goes,
33:23there's something
33:24you need to know.
33:25I was like,
33:26that's not what you want to hear
33:27when you're taking off pants.
33:28She goes,
33:29I haven't shaved
33:30in a really long time.
33:31I'm getting a Brazilian wax
33:32tomorrow before my trip
33:33to Europe.
33:34And I said,
33:35well,
33:36that is very exciting news
33:37for the next fella.
33:38I don't think
33:39it's helping me here tonight
33:40in the United States,
33:41but thank you for
33:42briefing me
33:43on the renovation schedule.
33:45She brings a bottle of wine
33:46into my bed next,
33:47which is a classic
33:4825-year-old move.
33:49This is what I get
33:50for bringing home
33:51a woman that young.
33:52A woman my age
33:53would never roll the dice
33:54on quality linens
33:55with red pinot.
33:56It's amateur hour,
33:57but I usually date
33:59more age appropriate.
34:00My ex was also,
34:01you know,
34:02younger.
34:03When you date a few years younger,
34:04your friends always say
34:05things like,
34:06young women,
34:07they can fuck all night.
34:08And I'm like,
34:09cool,
34:10I can't.
34:11So,
34:12you know what else
34:13young women can do?
34:14And they're willing to
34:15because they think
34:16it matters.
34:17I need an older woman
34:18with a job
34:19that depletes her.
34:20That's what I need.
34:21Comes home
34:22after the job
34:23just grinds her
34:24into a nice salt.
34:25She just collapses
34:26on the couch like,
34:27don't talk to me.
34:28And I'm like,
34:29I won't.
34:30I'm in bed
34:31with this woman.
34:32She's got the bottle
34:33of wine.
34:34I politely say,
34:35hey, do you mind
34:36taking the bottle
34:37out of the bed?
34:38I'm worried
34:39you're gonna spill it.
34:40She goes,
34:41yeah,
34:42I'm gonna spill it.
34:43She jumps it everywhere.
34:44I was like,
34:45oh.
34:46And then she goes,
34:47they're just sheets,
34:48you pussy.
34:49And I said,
34:50the way you're
34:51disrespecting me right now
34:52is really making
34:53my dick hard.
34:54Good stuff.
34:55Keep it up.
34:56Then she grabs me
34:57and goes,
34:58I'll make it up to you.
34:59And I was like,
35:00respect.
35:01Female privilege.
35:02A move us fellas
35:03can't pull off.
35:04I can't ruin your things
35:05and then be like,
35:06whip out that vag.
35:07I know I destroyed
35:08one of your belongings,
35:09but I figure I finger you
35:10for a bait.
35:11We're back on track.
35:12The problem is, by the way, it's 6.30 a.m.
35:17I'm not going to get late. It's fine.
35:18I'm washed up. I'm past my prime.
35:20It's a younger man's game.
35:22I lack the patience, the perseverance, the passion.
35:24It's all over for me.
35:26Look out the window, I see a jogger,
35:28and I was like, ugh.
35:31You and me both, buddy.
35:33Fighting the good fight.
35:34A different fight, but a fight nonetheless.
35:376.38 comes around, and for some reason,
35:39she's coming on to me aggressively.
35:41She's freaking out.
35:42She's naked. I'm naked.
35:43I'm like, maybe I'm going to turn this around.
35:45Maybe I got one more in me. Who knows?
35:47I don't know where she starts crying.
35:48I said, what the hell happened? Are you all right?
35:50She goes, I had a breakup, too.
35:52I said, all right, let's not do this.
35:54And she goes, but I really, really want to.
35:56I said, I'm sorry. I'm not comfortable with it.
35:58She goes, please.
36:00And I go, sure.
36:01So we have sex around 7.15 a.m.
36:04We wrap up promptly around 7.21.
36:08Nothing showy, but nothing to sneeze at, neither.
36:10And the second it's over, she goes, I'm leaving.
36:13I said, just spend the night.
36:14She goes, I've seen your comedy.
36:16I know you don't like it when women spend the night.
36:18I said, they're just jokes.
36:19She goes, there's truth to every joke.
36:21I said, sometimes you're messing around.
36:23She goes, I'm leaving.
36:24I said, sincerely, I hope you spend the night.
36:26In the morning, whatever the hell this is,
36:27we'll get six hours of sleep.
36:28We'll get a late breakfast.
36:29You might even have a fun day with me tomorrow.
36:31You never know.
36:32She looks right at me and goes, bye,
36:34and slams the door in my face.
36:36And I do a sad, slow, pathetic walk back to my bed.
36:41And I collapse into the wine-soaked sheets.
36:45And I roll over and I text Chase, I'm back, motherfucker.
37:01You need your buddies.
37:03Everyone, you need your buddies.
37:04I was hanging out with a close friend the other day.
37:06He's a gay man.
37:07And you ever hang out with a gay guy so much
37:08that their behavior slowly begins to rub off on you?
37:11We're gossiping about a mutual friend.
37:13And he goes, oh, that guy.
37:14I heard he's got a huge dick.
37:15And I was like, really?
37:19Then a few days later, I'm with a straight friend.
37:21The same guy's name comes up.
37:22I was like, I heard that guy's got a massive hog.
37:24And he was like, why are you telling me this?
37:27I thought, that's what we do now.
37:30Thought we'd talk about our friend Sweet Dong.
37:34We were talking about HPV, which, by the way,
37:36if you don't have it at this point,
37:37get off the bench and get in the game, really.
37:42Found out I had it years ago.
37:44The doctor was like, you have HPV?
37:45And I was like, oh, no.
37:46And he goes, who gives a shit?
37:47I have it.
37:49I said, really?
37:50He goes, did you fuck in your 20s?
37:52And I said, yeah.
37:53He goes, then you have it.
37:54I looked at the nurse.
37:55She does this.
37:57It's a direct quote from my doctor.
37:58Did you fuck in your 20s?
38:00I was like, I'm going to have to get
38:01a better insurance plan next year.
38:03I become buddies with this doctor, because, you know,
38:05I don't have to use the portal with him.
38:06I could just text him for information.
38:08Like, my neck was killing me.
38:09I said, hey, can I do kettlebells?
38:10They're going to agitate the nerve in my neck.
38:12He wrote, I can't talk right now.
38:14I'm fucking my ex in Italy.
38:16I said, well, you wrote that.
38:17You could have written yes or no, probably.
38:20But my doctor's my friend Chase.
38:23I'm going to tell you a very strange story.
38:25So this happened a few months ago.
38:27The worst person I ever dated tried
38:29to reach out to reconnect with me.
38:32She was terrible.
38:33This was like 17 years ago.
38:34A narcissist, a manipulator made everything about her.
38:38Let's call Melinda for this.
38:39She's fucking my ex.
38:40I said, I'm not even going to talk to you.
38:42She's my best friend.
38:43I'm going to tell you a very strange story.
38:45So this happened a few months ago.
38:47The worst person I ever dated tried
38:49to reach out to reconnect with me.
38:51Let's call Melinda for the sake of this story.
38:54She calls me from a blocked number.
38:55I have the same number since I was a kid,
38:57so it's, you know, easy to reach out, I guess.
39:00I pick up, I say, hello.
39:01She goes, it's me.
39:04And I go, you?
39:05She goes, Melinda?
39:06And I couldn't stop my body from going, ugh.
39:10It just came out of me.
39:12And she goes, can you talk?
39:13And I was like, oh, it's a bad time.
39:15And she goes, well, what about later?
39:17Which is kind of like if a cockroach came
39:19from behind the fridge.
39:20And saw the expression on your face, and was like,
39:23we'll reschedule.
39:23And like, right, that wasn't the issue, exactly.
39:26But I panic, I hang up, and I will now
39:30read you the text exchange between us.
39:36Because this is next level bonkers.
39:40Hey, sorry, it's Melinda again.
39:43Can I call you back or something?
39:44Separate text, please.
39:47Separate text, Sam, it's Melinda.
39:50Separate text, what time should I call?
39:52Four distinct personalities coming at you lightning fast.
39:57I haven't yet responded.
39:58She writes, I just have a very quick question.
40:01Trust me, please.
40:02I don't.
40:04I write, text it.
40:05She writes, I'd rather not.
40:07Don't worry, it's nothing salacious.
40:08Like it all, I promise.
40:10I write, text is your only option.
40:13You'll soon see why I have to go to such lengths
40:15to create clear boundaries with her.
40:17She writes, oy vey.
40:20Well, you're available for a few minutes right now,
40:22even if it's over text.
40:23I write, two min-max.
40:26Any more, I will block you.
40:29She writes, block me.
40:30Oh, dear, OK.
40:32What a strange thing to say to me.
40:34But the actual reason I've reached out
40:35is because you know how you're performing at Madison Square
40:37Garden November 4th?
40:39I headlined the Madison Square Garden Theater November 4th.
40:41It's nothing, it's nothing.
40:46It's not a big deal.
40:47It's just hard work meets talented determination.
40:48You know, it's nothing but.
40:51Well, I'd really love to come.
40:52I sent you a message a while back on social media.
40:54Not sure if you got it.
40:55Point slash question is, would you
40:57be OK with that, with me coming to your show?
41:01I write, wouldn't make a difference to me.
41:03It's a pretty big venue.
41:06She writes, that sounds kind of mean.
41:08I guess I'm not sure why.
41:09I just didn't want to intrude or anything.
41:11Intrude on Madison Square Garden.
41:15Like, I'm going to be on stage mid-set like,
41:18who the fuck is that?
41:22What I do next is passive aggressive
41:24because I want the conversation to end.
41:25I just text her a Ticketmaster link.
41:30Hoping that's that.
41:33She writes, OK, great.
41:34Thanks, see you then.
41:35Break a leg as usual.
41:36Hope to see you like, actually see you?
41:39Anyway, thanks for taking the time.
41:41Hope to see you before or after your show.
41:44This is when a normal person would stop, right?
41:47She's just getting warmed up.
41:50OK, wait, which seats do I pick?
41:52Which seats, Sam?
41:53Let me know.
41:54I write, they're all good seats.
41:56It's the world's most famous arena.
41:59She writes, please help me pick.
42:01I'm happy to pay top dollar.
42:02I'm not good at picking seats.
42:04Separate text.
42:05Please help me pick seats.
42:07If you could help me with choosing the seats,
42:08I'd really appreciate it.
42:09Just let me know how to pay, OK?
42:12No response, followed up with a question mark.
42:14I send her another Ticketmaster link, this time
42:17to the last row all the way to the right.
42:20The furthest seats from me in the entire venue.
42:23She writes, these aren't very close.
42:25And I respond, neither are we.
42:35I really, really wish that's where the story ended.
42:39But the big night comes.
42:40I'm on stage at the MSG Theater.
42:42Things are going well, getting some good laughs.
42:45Anytime I do a joke about an ex-girlfriend, though,
42:47I hear a voice in the crowd go, hey, hey.
42:52I'm like, that's her stupid voice.
42:55One bad decision 17 years ago haunting me
42:58on the biggest night of my career.
43:00I play with it.
43:01I try to make it as fun as possible
43:02without embarrassing her.
43:03I get off stage.
43:04My agent goes, that was her.
43:07And she was removed.
43:09And you better believe I heard about it the next day.
43:20Hey, Sam.
43:21So I came to your show with mom and was so happy to be there.
43:24And happy for you.
43:25When you came on stage, I couldn't believe it.
43:27I couldn't believe that I came out.
43:29Every show I have to come out.
43:30It's standard.
43:31It's a contractual breach if I stay backstage.
43:33It would be foolish business for everyone involved.
43:37When suddenly, MSG security came up behind me.
43:40And the man told me I needed to shut the fuck up.
43:45Shocked and upset, I asked for his name,
43:46which he said was Paul.
43:49Paul is my agent, Mike.
43:52I love how committed he is.
43:54I also love that he had an alias locked and loaded.
43:57It's amazing that I have an agent that runs in the crowd
43:59seeing someone ruin my show and goes, shut the fuck up.
44:04And when she said, who are you?
44:05He goes, Paul.
44:10Anyway, the texts go on and on and on.
44:12I stopped responding a long time ago.
44:13But I called my agent.
44:14I was like, is this a problem?
44:15He goes, yeah, this could be a safety issue.
44:17We've got to do a background check.
44:19So we did one.
44:20And you want to hear the results?
44:23She's a working psychologist in New York City.
44:28I agree, I love it.
44:30I love that there's a dude in her office like,
44:32my ex won't text me back.
44:34And she's like, never stop.
44:42Finding out she's a psychologist is
44:44like finding out Cosby's on the new season of The Bachelor.
44:50I got to wrap this up.
44:52But let me tell you a story.
44:57So we've been on the road hard recently.
45:00It's me, James, who's directing this special,
45:03directing my last one, Gary, who you've
45:05seen earlier tonight, my boy Gary, Gary Veeder,
45:12and Brian, who you guys have met, Brian, my tour manager.
45:15So we're doing a gig in Baltimore.
45:19We're going from New York to Baltimore.
45:21There's a three-hour delay on Amtrak.
45:23I'm in a bad mood.
45:24I'm stressed.
45:25I might have muttered the word Nazis at some point.
45:28And then I thought about it.
45:29If they were actual Nazis, I'd be on the train.
45:31So the destination would be worse.
45:35But as far as we're talking about transit,
45:38I'm getting there on a Nazi car.
45:41But we get to Baltimore.
45:43I'm in a very bad mood.
45:45And we usually play basketball to sweat out the booze.
45:48Or, you know, big meal, we sweat it out, basketball.
45:50But I was like, guys, let's do hot yoga today.
45:53You guys know Baltimore's known for hot yoga.
45:55So we're in the class, all four of us.
45:58We're struggling.
45:59It's 30 minutes into a 90-minute hot class.
46:01At the 30-minute mark, the instructor recognizes me.
46:04She goes, I see we have a comedian in the class.
46:08Does he want to tell a joke?
46:09I look at Brian like, dude, what the hell do I do here?
46:11I'm a downward dog.
46:12It's not ideal, you know?
46:14Brian gives me a look like, let me handle this, which
46:16I don't know what that means.
46:18And then Brian goes, I'll tell a joke.
46:20I was like, what are you doing?
46:22This is a joke Brian tells a room full of women.
46:25It's an old joke of mine.
46:26He goes, my friend's girlfriend just had a miscarriage
46:28in the shower.
46:29And I was like, oh my god, worst baby shower ever.
46:36Silence.
46:38Except for one black dude in the back who went, oh, shit.
46:43The instructor goes, well, I'm triggered.
46:45I was like, you think you're upset?
46:46That one usually kills.
46:47So I turned to Brian.
46:51I was like, dude, what the heck?
46:52He goes, it's your joke.
46:53I said, yeah, I don't open with it.
46:56You got to earn some of these.
46:58The thing about a good miscarriage joke
47:00is, without a proper delivery, it's just nothing.
47:06Thank you, Boston.
47:07You rule.
47:08Thank you.
47:39This probably won't make this special,
47:40but I'm going to do it anyway, because I
47:42like to do this at live shows.
47:44Give me a real problem, I will solve it.
47:46And it's got to be real, though.
47:48It can't be like some bullshit.
47:49It's got to be a real problem.
47:50But I will solve it, and I'll buy you a drink.
47:52It's a good problem.
47:58I think you're looking for like a laundromat or something.
48:00I don't know.
48:01It's a live comedy show.
48:02I meant like emotional problems or something.
48:05The first guy was good.
48:07The first guy was good.
48:09He's like, I have a furniture issue.
48:13OK.
48:17I'm going to guess it was you, based on your accent.
48:25Someone must have peed on my carpet.
48:31It's such a drunken accent, the Boston accent.
48:35I fucked up my car.
48:39It was either me who shit my pants, or someone else.
48:41I don't know who.
48:52Oh, hey, buddy.
48:54Hey, buddy.
48:55I'm sorry.
49:06What is it?
49:07Oh, man, that's my type.
49:08It's your girl, dude.
49:09He set you up, buddy.
49:11Yes.
49:11The pepperonis don't curl up like a pug's tail
49:14staring into his butthole.
49:15I want nothing to do with it.
49:19Give me back my nose candy, bitch.
49:20No, dude, I'm not giving it to you.
49:22Give me back my nose candy, bitch.
49:23What are you doing?
49:25Shoot you.
49:35I know that you are not trying hard enough.
49:39Our lives are changing lanes.
49:43Ran me off the floor.
49:46The wait is over.
49:48I'm now taking over.
49:51You're no longer laughing.
49:54I'm not shouting fast enough.