Swimmer Jessica Long had three Paralympic gold medals by the age of 12, but with the highs of winning come the lows when competitions end. Long opens up to SELF about how she navigated her mental health struggles after the Paralympics and the stigma surrounding taking medication as an athlete.
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00:00I think there's a stigma around taking any, like, antidepressants, right, especially as athletes,
00:04because we're told, you know, to push through. And, you know, as a swimmer, I'm racing the clock,
00:09and I push my body so hard every single day, multiple times a day,
00:14that I just remember thinking, why can't I just get through this?
00:21I've competed in five Paralympic Games, and after every Paralympics from the time that I was 12
00:26years old, there's always that post-blues, right? It's just this feeling of what next,
00:31and you're on such a high, and then all of a sudden, it comes just crashing, right? You're
00:35not in your routine anymore, and you just don't even know what to do. And for me, after Tokyo,
00:39you know, I had success, right? I won three gold medals, two silver, and a bronze, but I
00:45was out of my routine, and I was just struggling, and didn't even know what to do, or how to keep
00:49moving forward. And I really, really struggled, because it wasn't me, right? I didn't feel like
00:54myself, you know, bubbly, happy, just full of life I normally am. And I just remember really
01:01struggling, and I had never been that type of person to not want to get out of bed, or to not
01:06want to get my nails done, or just things that brought me joy, and it wasn't getting better.
01:12I just realized that I couldn't do it on my own, and I think there's so much power in being
01:17vulnerable, right? And I think, you know, my whole life, I've had to be so vulnerable with being an
01:22amputee, or being an athlete. I didn't know how to be vulnerable with my mental health, and I just
01:29really thought, okay, what what do I do? My two little sisters have really struggled with their
01:34mental health, so they had been on antidepressants for a little bit. And I think for me, when I
01:38decided to do it, it was scary, right? It was really scary, and just, you know, I remember thinking it
01:45wasn't that big of a deal, but when it came time to have to take them every day, it was really,
01:49really a challenge, just thinking that, wow, I feel like a failure. I have a therapist that I've
01:53talked to for seven years, and you know, we say the same thing sometimes over and over again, but
01:58just this idea that, you know, it's okay to not be okay, and it doesn't really define you, and there
02:03is so much power in being vulnerable. And it took them for a little bit for just what was needed,
02:08and I just knew that I wanted to get back to feeling like me, and getting back into a routine,
02:13and that's kind of why I took them. I think there's a stigma around taking any, like, antidepressants,
02:18especially as athletes, because we're told, you know, to push through, and, you know, as a swimmer,
02:23I'm racing the clock, and I push my body so hard every single day, multiple times a day,
02:29that I just remember thinking, why can't I just get through this? Like, why do I feel so off? Like,
02:33what am I doing wrong? And that was probably the hardest part, is just that I couldn't work
02:37through it for some reason. And I'm like, I have overcome every single obstacle that's ever come
02:41my way, right? I was adopted from Russia, born without my legs, became a Paralympic champion
02:47three times when I was 12 years old, and I just remember thinking, I can't get through this.
02:52And it was just so bizarre. I think it's important to get rid of that stigma, because I think more
02:57people are hurting than we know, right? And I think everyone has their own internal battles.
03:01It's been really, really important to have those conversations, and I think it's like a ripple
03:05effect, right? When you are able to talk with your teammates, and, you know, our teammates, we can
03:09relate to each other so well with being part of Team USA, or being in an elite atmosphere. I think
03:14the reception that I got just when we, you know, I started being vocal about it was really positive,
03:20right? And I mean, I wouldn't probably have been able to take antidepressants if it wasn't for a
03:24few of my teammates who were on them as well. And I think just, again, getting rid of that stigma
03:28that, you know, there's something wrong with you, or wow, you're so weak, or you couldn't do it on
03:32your own. Like, I think we can, we have to start getting rid of that stigma, and it's okay to not
03:37always have it together. It's okay to not always be super positive, that it's actually really human
03:42and normal to have bad days, and to be sometimes negative, and to just be,
03:46just to go through a tough season. And I think we just have to continue to normalize it.