Paralympian Jamal Hill sits down with SELF to share how he navigated the hardest year of his professional athletic career. From the financial stress of parting ways with a big sponsor to his first time failing to secure a medal at an international competition, Hill learned to overcome his self-doubt and become secure in his decisions for himself and his career ahead of the Paris 2024 Paralympics.
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00:00You don't judge a decision based off the very next thing that happens or the thing that happens
00:05the next six months, you know, you need time. So 2023 was an extremely challenging year for my
00:11mental health as it pertains to my professional swimming and athletic career. I think one thing
00:16that really kind of teed it up is just that not only as athletes but as people, a lot of times
00:23we can fall into the fallacy of thinking just because we do something good or we do something
00:28right that everything that then comes after it should be easy, you know, like you make the right
00:33decision and now oh great like life is just gonna reward you, you won't have any struggles and
00:37that's really what a lot of 2023 was like for me. I started the year out just deciding to part ways
00:44from a really big sponsor in the past of mine and that was just a matter of alignment. I felt like
00:50it was more an integrity for me not to be in that space anymore and initially it felt really really
00:55good and I'm not saying, you know, sell your integrity. All I'm saying is that it's hard to
01:02eat integrity and so, you know, as the year went on and months passed I just started to feel more
01:08and more again like those burdens of real life that again like consequences of even positive
01:14decisions can still have negative repercussions and a lot of that I think financial stress started
01:19to bleed into my competitive mindset and then on my competitive mindset I wanted to be the best
01:26right who doesn't and and I felt like wow well this person is faster than me or that person is
01:31faster than me maybe I should try and train like them maybe I should try and go be them instead of
01:36being me and so I embarked on that journey and it led me all the way to world championships of last
01:43year which turned out to be the first international competition of my entire Paralympic career where I
01:50did not earn a medal so that just kind of compounded it right from great I'm doing this
01:55right thing for myself and for my spirit to well did I make the right decision and all the doubts
02:01that come with that too well I thought this was the right decision in terms of my strategy for
02:06competing and now I don't have anything to show for that either so how do I really discern right
02:13when I'm making the right decisions and when I'm not a moment that you are attempting something new
02:19in an attempt to become someone else as opposed to a more evolved version of yourself chances are
02:26you're on the wrong track I think self-doubt was the seed of it all for me doubt in the previous
02:31decisions I made because I felt like again I did something good for myself I should be rewarded life
02:36didn't you get the memo uh but life was like no dude like good job kudos but you know you still
02:42gotta you still got a life bro but all of it really climaxed into my very first tattoo it's
02:47just right across my chest here right across my heart so anytime I'm swimming which you all will
02:50see me swim this summer it says I am and uh there's a period it's a punctuation and it's got a lot of
02:57meaning for me the biggest thing is just that I am who I say I am I am enough I am capable okay I know
03:04times are hard right now but don't worry I am strong enough to outlast these tough times I am
03:11tougher than the tough times you know that's a big thing tough times don't last but um tough
03:17people do so anyone out there on your own mental health journey compare it to climbing a mountain
03:23you know you climb that first mountain you get to the top things are great at the top you know
03:27it's like oh my god I love it up here it's such great views you know I've got everything I need
03:32I've got this I've got that but life doesn't stop you know so maybe you're looking out and you see
03:36something else in the distance maybe it's another mountain maybe maybe there's something over here
03:40over there my whole point is you gotta come back down the mountain in order to get to that next
03:46place or to get to that next step and coming back down the mountain is a treacherous journey you
03:50know a lot of people can judge you hey why didn't you stay up there hey things were so good oh you
03:55fell off oh wow you thought you were somebody huh welcome back you get to the bottom you still got
04:00to go through lions tigers and bears but that's just what comes with it there's ups and downs for
04:05real ones and take pride in that enjoy your journey love yourself no 100% of anyone else
04:10is gonna 100% fit to you be a student take what you can learn what you can apply what you can
04:16a part of that comes with failure you know like you gotta fail in order to win any champion has
04:20probably lost more times than anyone who's never become a champion love your life love
04:25the people who love you and just remember you are enough