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TVTranscript
00:00A what?
00:01Beg your pardon?
00:02Pardon?
00:03What?
00:04Beg your pardon?
00:05Come again?
00:07I like the way it starts.
00:33Quite fat.
00:35Thin, really.
00:51Thomas, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
00:53Just a moment, John.
00:54I promised Marjorie I'd mend this clock for her.
00:56I wonder if you'd mind giving me a hand.
00:58A big hand?
00:59Little hand.
01:00Anyway, listen to me, Thomas.
01:01I have some bad news.
01:02Bad news?
01:03It's Marjorie.
01:04Marjorie?
01:05She's had a fall.
01:06Marjorie's had a fall?
01:07I'm afraid so.
01:08She was out riding this morning on Thunderbolt,
01:09and she hadn't returned by the time Mrs. Memphister arrived.
01:11It turns out she's had a fall.
01:13Now, just a moment, John.
01:14Calm down.
01:16Marjorie's had a fall, you say?
01:17Yes.
01:18Of a horse?
01:19Well, of course of a horse.
01:20Well, I don't see there's any of course of a horse about it.
01:23Girls nowadays are likely to fall off anything.
01:25Doesn't have to be a horse.
01:26No, but in this case it was.
01:27Could have been a chair, a table, a pianoforte, anything.
01:31Yes, except in this case she was riding a horse when it happened.
01:33When she fell off?
01:34Yes.
01:35So you reasoned to yourself Marjorie has fallen off a horse?
01:37That's right.
01:38Thunderbolt.
01:39Thunderbolt, you say?
01:40Yes.
01:41Well, Thunderbolt's a horse, all right.
01:42Exactly.
01:43Any damage?
01:44Well, too soon to say.
01:45Cavendish is examining her now.
01:46That old fool?
01:47What does he know about horses?
01:49No, Cavendish is examining Marjorie.
01:51Marjorie?
01:52Is she ill?
01:53No, she fell off a horse.
01:54Well, you better fetch Cavendish.
01:55I have, Thomas.
01:56It's in the drawing room.
01:57Horses are pretty big, John.
01:58I know they are.
01:59You fall off one of them, anything can happen.
02:01Well, quite.
02:02Well, not anything.
02:03No, not anything.
02:04I mean, this clock isn't going to become prime minister just because someone's fallen off a horse.
02:09I didn't mean anything in that sense.
02:11Well, absolutely not.
02:12Anyway, Thomas, Cavendish is examining her now.
02:14You said he was in the drawing room.
02:16He is, examining Marjorie.
02:17And where's Marjorie?
02:18She's also in the drawing room.
02:19So they're both in the drawing room?
02:20Yes.
02:21Well, perhaps it's not such an old fool after all.
02:24How is she?
02:25Well, too soon to say.
02:26Sounds like a hell of a fall off the horse.
02:27Yes.
02:29Now, what the devil was Marjorie doing falling off Thunderbolt?
02:31Oh, you know how Marjorie loves to ride, Thomas.
02:34Marjorie was riding Thomas.
02:37I'm Thomas, John.
02:38I know that.
02:39Marjorie wasn't riding me.
02:40Your story's a bit twisted there, old fellow.
02:42You said she was riding Thunderbolt.
02:44She was.
02:45She was?
02:46Yes.
02:47But she's not any longer?
02:48No, she fell off.
02:49Good God.
02:50I know.
02:51Where is she?
02:52She's in the drawing room.
02:53Marjorie was riding Thunderbolt in the drawing room?
02:54No, no, no, no.
02:55She fell off at Stratton Brook, where the path separates.
02:57That young fellow Cotswold found her and carried her to the drawing room.
03:00Stables would have been better, I'd have thought.
03:02What?
03:03Drawing room's no place for Thunderbolt?
03:04No, Marjorie.
03:05What do you mean?
03:06Marjorie's in the drawing room.
03:07With Thunderbolt?
03:08No, Thunderbolt's in the stables.
03:09Oh, well, that's all right, then.
03:10It's not all right, Thomas.
03:11I tell you, she's had a bad fall.
03:13Is she hurt?
03:14Well, it's too soon to say.
03:15Cavendish is with her now.
03:16Cavendish?
03:17He's a doctor, isn't he?
03:18Yes.
03:21I wonder if he knows anything about clocks.
03:26If my murderer's watching this, he'll kill me.
03:29This puppy, Snipper, is in most desperate need of help.
03:35Four weeks ago, Snipper's mother died.
03:38And only three days later, her father was killed by a hit-and-run driver.
03:44Barely eight weeks old and an orphan,
03:46Snipper was also faced with the embarrassing and painful affliction
03:51of incontinence.
03:53It's a condition that we in the West don't talk about much.
03:57Shame keeps millions of sufferers silent.
04:00But Snipper's incontinence was a source of great distress to her,
04:04and rather than come to terms with it, she ran away to London.
04:08It was on the way to London that Snipper was assaulted and abused by an older dog.
04:14You can imagine the effect that this would have on an innocent puppy bitch like Snipper.
04:19She was totally confused, bewildered and hurt.
04:23We think that it is around this time that she was struck with traumatic amnesia,
04:29a total loss of memory.
04:31This, apart from anything else, made it very difficult for her to know
04:34who she was and where she was going.
04:37She drifted into a life of scavenging and prostitution,
04:42selling her soft, furry young body just in order to stay alive.
04:46That was the life she was living when we at the ASTL found her.
04:50We were able to give her food, warmth, and more than that, love.
04:55The one thing that has been denied her in her short and tragically unhappy life.
05:00Snipper is really taking an interest now.
05:05Her memory is slowly returning, which is how we've been able to piece together
05:09the details of her existence.
05:11And with luck, she will be able to lead a normal, happy and happy life.
05:16A content, fulfilled life.
05:18But you know, there are thousands of Snippers in Britain,
05:21and we desperately need your help to carry on the work we're doing.
05:25We're an entirely independent charity.
05:27We receive no government funding and rely on public generosity to keep us going.
05:32If you're the kind of person who would like to help a Snipper,
05:35then why not send your donation, however large,
05:39straight to me, Stephen Fry, care of the BBC, instead?
05:43Thank you.
05:46Well, Brian Robertson's definitely got one.
05:48But, er, he's a captain, I suppose he'd have to have one.
05:51As an example. I don't know, really.
05:54I joined up very early. Very early. Too early, I think.
05:57I should have waited till they had a proper photocopier.
06:00Looks like the ASTL might do it in.
06:01Well, the ASTL? Yeah.
06:02Oh, leave it out. Leave it out.
06:04Oh, leave it out. Just leave it out.
06:06Why should I? Just turn it up.
06:08Turn it up. Turn it up.
06:09Switch it off. Move it under.
06:11Send it round. Knock it through.
06:13Rinse it out. Park it sideways.
06:15Oh, support it laterally. Indicate left.
06:18Oh, finance it underneath. Destabilise it casually.
06:21Oh, slide it up. Remove it gently.
06:23Oh, clean it thoroughly. Put it on the shelf.
06:26Max it over. Give it some morguing.
06:28I'm trotting it round. Sell it for a small profit.
06:31Oh, comb it thoroughly before putting it back.
06:33Smell it gently. Oh, leave it out.
06:35Leave it out? Leave it out.
06:37Oh.
06:41Who told you you were naked?
06:44I beg your pardon?
06:46I was thinking, who told you that you were naked?
06:51I think you may have lost me there, Arnold.
06:54Well, do you remember that passage in Genesis
06:58where Adam explains to God
07:02why he and Eve have covered themselves?
07:05Yes, yes. If I remember that story right,
07:08Adam says, we were naked and we were ashamed.
07:11And God says...
07:13Who told you that you were naked?
07:16Glenn and I are having a conversation
07:18about a passage in Genesis which has been intriguing me, rather.
07:23Yes, it is fascinating, isn't it?
07:25Anyway, tell me about the size of your girlfriend's breasts.
07:30Well, um, first of all, Glenn,
07:33let's clear up this problem of why God
07:37gave such a complex response
07:40to what is on the surface a relatively simple question.
07:43Mm, mm.
07:44Not as simple, though, as, are they very big or only quite?
07:49No, perhaps not that simple, but still relatively simple.
07:53Yes, yes. Simpler, certainly, than, is she very exciting in bed?
07:57I think, um, Glenn, that what God was saying is
08:02how can nakedness mean anything to you?
08:06How can that concept have any significance
08:09unless you have eaten the fruit of the tree
08:11whereof I said thou shouldst not eat?
08:13Yes. My bet is that they really are quite substantially large.
08:17Well, one thing at a time, Glenn.
08:20Yes, yes, all right. Let's take the left one first.
08:23How enormous would you say that is?
08:25Glenn is having a little difficulty concentrating
08:28on our Bible study readings
08:30because he has something of an obsession
08:32with the size of my girlfriend's breasts.
08:34Well, I like to put it this way.
08:36Arnold is having difficulty concentrating on our discussion
08:38about the size of his girlfriend's breasts
08:40because he's a little too interested in analysing passages from the Bible.
08:44We'll sort it out, don't you worry.
08:46I think God...
08:47So, would you say a 48 cup or bigger?
08:49Well, I think the Queen should give one to Esther Anson, definitely.
08:53Stand a bit closer to the left.
08:55A good smack in the face. She deserves it.
09:05LAUGHTER
09:16Hello, Control. Something up?
09:20Well, it's the oddest thing, Murchison,
09:22but I've been told that if I want to stay fit,
09:25I have to walk at least ten miles a day.
09:28Ten miles? Hmm.
09:30But you've always been as fit as a flea, Control.
09:32Or a fiddler, anyway.
09:34One of the fittest men in the service you've been occasionally referred to as.
09:39Have a look at this, then, Tony.
09:41What is it?
09:43Well, that's what I asked myself when the doctor gave it to me.
09:46And then I asked the doctor.
09:48And he said it's a pedometer.
09:51A pedometer? Yes.
09:53It measures how many miles I walk.
09:55Come on.
09:57Mrs Control is jolly careful to make sure I put it on every day, worse luck.
10:02Still, I suppose she only has your best interests at heart.
10:05That's true. I shouldn't grumble.
10:07After all, Tony... Control?
10:09She's only been so quite firm about it for my own good.
10:12Mmm. Any golly way, I think that's enough for one morning.
10:17And you didn't come here to listen to my woes.
10:20Oh, I don't know. They're quite interesting woes.
10:23What does bring you to the seventh floor, Tony?
10:25Well, Control, do you remember the minister asking us to jolly well
10:29hurry up and find out who was behind these bombs
10:31that have been going off in government departments of lately?
10:34Yes, indeed, I do remember.
10:36An urgent A1 top-priority investigation was called for, as I remember.
10:41There was to be telephone tapping, surveillance, everything,
10:44and no limit on the budget.
10:46The minister said,
10:48I want you to pull all the stops out on this one, Control, if you'd be so kind.
10:54Yes, it was quite a to-do.
10:57Mmm. As I recall, Tony, I put you in charge of that investigation.
11:02Is that right? Yes, you splendidly did.
11:06Well, have you come up with something that might be regarded as a clue
11:09or, better still, concrete evidence that might lead to some arrests?
11:12Yes, well, that's really the reason I popped in
11:15and surprised you at your walking, Control,
11:17because I've just had a report from Commander Henderson of Special Branch.
11:21That's the Scotland Yard branch that was set up specifically
11:24to deal with subversion and counterinsurgency earlier this century.
11:28That's the exact one.
11:30Oh. I imagine quite strongly it might be.
11:33Yes, well, they say that with some of our agents working undercover alongside them,
11:37they've managed to arrest a cell of men and women
11:40who they think they can prove are responsible for the whole sorry wave
11:43of unfortunate and exasperating bomb attacks.
11:46It was a sorry wave, wasn't it? Yes, it certainly was.
11:49Well, this is good news, I must say.
11:52I thought you'd be pleased. I am most pleased.
11:55Well done, Tony. Full marks.
12:01Calls for a coffee, wouldn't you say?
12:04It most certainly does. I'll fetch you one.
12:07No, Tony, I'll fetch you one. It's my turn.
12:11Well, goodness, Control, thank you.
12:13No, thank you, Tony. White no sugar, I think it is.
12:17That's exactly right. This really is excessively kind of you, Control.
12:21Not at all, Tony. And besides, the extra walk will impress Mrs Control.
12:27Oh, you! Back in a mow. Bye.
12:32There's a riot down at Bletching Common,
12:34so they had to use all the trousers for that one.
12:40But hopefully, when it's all sorted, we'll get our trousers back
12:45and things will be back to normal.
12:48Actually, I hadn't thought of that.
12:50Yes, I've got one, but before I had that one,
12:52I used to have to go down to the laundrette every week,
12:55but now I've had one put in my kitchen
12:57and the laundrette comes to me every week.
12:59It's marvellous, really.
13:01Violence. It's a theme we've touched on before now
13:04in this fortnightly look back on the past three days.
13:07And I dare say it's one we'll touch on again,
13:10and we don't apologise for that.
13:12Violence is not something that's going to lie down and go away.
13:15Well put.
13:17But the point is, surely, what are we going to do about it?
13:20Well, I suppose the phrase that best sums up our approach
13:23is responsibility television.
13:26Now, what does responsibility television mean?
13:30Well, it means that we're immensely concerned
13:33that nothing we do has a bad influence on our viewers.
13:37Thus, when I hit Hugh like so...
13:41Um...
13:43..we have to consider what the effect on the viewer might be.
13:48Yes. Is a vulnerable, easily led section of our audience
13:53going to start imitating this kind of behaviour?
13:56Well, so far in this series,
13:58I've hit Hugh on no less than a startling five occasions.
14:01You might think we had no thought at all
14:03as to how the young might be influenced
14:05by this kind of senseless, horrific violence.
14:07Would they start to imitate it? Hugh?
14:09Well, the interesting and inescapable that we've come up with is yes.
14:14Because since the series has started to be transmitted,
14:17I've found, walking along the street,
14:19that I've been hit on no less than 12 occasions
14:22by complete strangers.
14:24So it looks as if the suggestible out there
14:27are actually imitating my violent behaviour patterns and striking them.
14:31That's right, yes. Yes.
14:33Is that a worrying development?
14:35Well, it's not un-worrying.
14:37So it may be that the Milton Schulmans and Mary Whitehouses of this world
14:40aren't as incredibly stupid as they appear at first, second and 34th glance.
14:44Are we unwittingly helping to make Britain a more violent place?
14:48Well, it's beginning to look horribly like it, yes.
14:50Right. Well, let's stop now
14:52and let's see if we can't reverse this whole process.
14:56Now, would all those out there who are stupid enough
15:00to go out on the streets and hit Hugh
15:02just because they've seen me do it on television,
15:04would they now kindly watch very carefully,
15:06as I now smile at Hugh,
15:08hand him a £5 note and say,
15:11there you are, old chap.
15:13There's a fiver for you.
15:16Have a really super time.
15:19Oh, look, here's another one.
15:22And another.
15:23Well... There you go. Bless you.
15:25Well, thank you very much, if you don't mind me saying so.
15:27Indeed, I certainly don't mind you saying so.
15:29In fact, it's quite kind of you.
15:31Here's a fiver.
15:33Well, thank you, I'm sure.
15:35Good. Well, I hope now, Hugh, you're going to monitor
15:37the public's behaviour very closely.
15:39And if you find people are approaching you now
15:41with £5 notes instead of clenched fists,
15:43you'll come back on the programme and let us know?
15:45I certainly will, yep.
15:46Thanks so much. There's a fiver.
15:48Oh, thanks.
15:49All right, then.
15:50Just time now to go over to Devises
15:52and to catch up with Chris and that giant sauna.
15:54Chris.
15:56Well, it's a dying art, is my view.
15:59House prices, I don't know.
16:01You practically need to take out a mortgage to buy one now, Dave.
16:05Ooh, the last decent pencil I bought was Malaysian.
16:08Beautiful thing, beautiful thing.
16:10Must be worth quite a bit now, I think.
16:12So, he gets all misty-eyed and he puffs himself up
16:16and he says, I do it for my country.
16:18And he stabs himself in the head with a pair of scissors.
16:21Right.
16:22So the Irishman says...
16:24Are you ready for your main courses now?
16:26Yes, thank you. Excellent.
16:28Can I just ask you something?
16:30Certainly, sir.
16:31How do you do it?
16:32Do what, sir?
16:33Well, how can you hear from the other end of the restaurant
16:36the exact moment when I get to the punchline of my jokes?
16:39It's the fourth time you've done it since I came in.
16:42Well, now, that's actually a very good question, sir.
16:44Mm-hm.
16:45There's actually a tiny microphone hidden underneath your ashtray.
16:48I see.
16:49And we have a receiver in the kitchen, so it's very simple.
16:51Yes, I'd always wondered. Thank you.
16:53Now, who's having the lamb?
16:54Thank you.
16:55Here we go, madam.
16:56So, the Englishman had said, er...
17:00I do it for the Queen and jumped out of the window.
17:02Right, yes.
17:03And the Scotsman says, I do it for my country.
17:06And he...
17:07Stabbed himself in the head with a pair of scissors.
17:09Right, exactly.
17:11And so then the Irishman says...
17:13And you're having the chicken, sir.
17:15What?
17:16Chicken lacroix prepared at your table.
17:18Yes, thank you.
17:19Right, right.
17:20So, the Irishman says...
17:22Oh, my God!
17:26What?
17:27Chicken lacroix.
17:29What are you doing?
17:31What am I doing?
17:32Yes.
17:33Well, sir, I have to make sure the knife is properly sharp.
17:36The chicken, it's still alive.
17:39Not for much longer, sir.
17:41I think I'm going to be sick.
17:43Something wrong with the lamb, madam?
17:45Oh, no.
17:46You're not going to kill a live chicken in here.
17:48Well, certainly, sir.
17:49This is chicken lacroix, as you ordered.
17:51Fresh, plump, baby chicken prepared at your table.
17:53Stop, stop, stop!
17:55Don't kill that chicken.
17:57Don't kill it?
17:58No.
17:59Would you rather eat it while it's still alive?
18:01No.
18:02Well, then, I have to...
18:03No, no, I'm telling you, actually, don't kill it.
18:05Well, why not, sir?
18:06Well, you know, it's not worth it.
18:09Think of the letters we'll get.
18:13Letters? Who from?
18:14Well, I don't know, mad people.
18:16Mad people?
18:17No, you know the sort of thing.
18:19A Y-O-Y-O-Y was my five-year-old grandmother
18:22forced to watch a live chicken being hacked to death
18:25in the name of so-called entertainment.
18:27That kind of thing.
18:28Well, it's no worse than being hacked to death
18:30in the name of so-called lunch.
18:32Well, it is, actually.
18:34I beg your pardon?
18:35I think it is worse.
18:36Oh, do you?
18:37Yes, I do.
18:38Well, that's just her point of view.
18:39That's perfectly fair.
18:40All right, well, let's ask the chicken, shall we?
18:42Would you rather die as part of a sketch on national television
18:45or would you rather go straight into a Tesco sandwich
18:47unmourned and unnoticed?
18:49Look, I'm sorry, Hugh.
18:50It's just the way I feel, OK?
18:51What's the matter with you?
18:52We've had a great time.
18:53We showed it at the Blue Peter Studio, didn't we?
18:58It sat next to Desmond Lynham in the canteen.
19:01Who wants?
19:02Look, I know we agreed
19:04that we should actually kill the chicken on air,
19:06but I think I'd be happy now if you didn't.
19:08What's happiness got to do with it?
19:10Look, basically, the whole joke of this
19:12is supposed to be that I can't get out my Irish joke,
19:14and if you sort of add this...
19:16I mean, really, it's not...
19:17I agree, yes, absolutely.
19:18Well, all right, yeah, OK,
19:20if everyone's just going to go squeamish at the last minute,
19:22yes, all right, well, we'll call it off then, yes, fine.
19:24Excuse me.
19:26So I'll just have a green salad, please, waiter.
19:28A green salad, yes, coming right up.
19:30Thank you. Excellent.
19:32Now, where was I?
19:33Yes, the Englishman said,
19:34I'd do it for my queen
19:37and jumped out the window,
19:38and the Scotsman said,
19:40I'd do it for my country
19:42and stabbed himself in the head with a pair of scissors,
19:44and the Irishman says...
19:47Well, now what are you doing?
19:49Never heard a lettuce scream before?
19:52Well, it's frightening, isn't it?
19:53Never occurred to you that a lettuce might have dreams,
19:55hopes, ambitions, a family?
19:57Look, back at the lettuce, will you let me finish my joke?
20:00Oh, I'm sorry.
20:02Right.
20:03So, the Irishman says...
20:06I wouldn't sack it.
20:10Except in non-member states
20:13where you're obliged to eat your own.
20:20All right, Mr Simnock?
20:22Eh?
20:23I say, you all right, Mr Simnock?
20:25Well, it's Mimble Coco.
20:27Yes?
20:28Your Coco's coming in a minute.
20:31Eh?
20:32I say, your Coco is coming in a minute.
20:35I'll draw the curtains, shall I?
20:37Be cosier, then, you'll be more cosy.
20:39Draw the curtains, eh?
20:41Well, cosy, that.
20:42Yes.
20:44Coco.
20:45Yes, your Coco is coming in a minute.
20:47All right?
20:48Curtains.
20:49Yes, I'll draw them for you.
20:51There we are.
20:52That's a bit cosier, isn't it?
20:54Nights are getting chillier all the time, aren't they?
20:57Only seems like yesterday it was Christmas, I don't know.
21:00Oh, look, you've dropped your magazines.
21:02Look, I'll pick them up for you.
21:04Didn't like them. Rubbish, they were.
21:06Well, see what they are.
21:08There we are, look.
21:09Oh.
21:10Oh, no!
21:11There was no call to go doing that, was there, Mr Simnock?
21:14Where's me Coco?
21:16Your Coco's coming in a minute.
21:18I'm not so sure you deserve it now, though.
21:21Acting up like I shouldn't wonder.
21:25I'll tuck you in, look.
21:2792 years old.
21:29That's right.
21:3093 come November.
21:3292 years old, and I've never had oral sex.
21:38Well...
21:41I should think not, indeed.
21:43Oral sex.
21:45Never had an idea.
21:47Never ridden a camel.
21:49You're just babbling now, Mr Simnock.
21:51Never watched a woman urinate.
21:55I shall get very cross with you in a minute, I shall, really.
21:58Never killed a man.
22:00Well, there's a certain man I shall be killing, if he's not very careful.
22:03Never been inside an opera house.
22:05Never eaten a hamburger.
22:07You're a stupid, silly old man, and I won't have any more nonsense.
22:10You've fed up me. I've never done anything.
22:12Well, you're a bit chilly, I shouldn't wonder.
22:14Your cocoa will be along in a minute.
22:16Don't want any stupid cocoa.
22:18Well, there's no call to be getting contrary now, is there?
22:21You love your cocoa. You know you do.
22:23I hate cocoa. Gets a skin on it.
22:25Not if you keep stirring it.
22:27If you want to keck that, makes me want to cut up.
22:31I want to drink milk from the breasts of a Burmese maiden.
22:38I don't know what's got into you today, Mr Simnock. I don't, really.
22:41I think we're going to have to give you some extra vitamin E.
22:44Burmese maidens in Todmorden.
22:49You've got bad breath, you have.
22:52Well, there's no call to be getting personal, I hope.
22:55Like rotting cabbages.
22:57I'm very angry with you today, Mr Simnock.
22:59You're a great Nancy.
23:01I'm not a great Nancy, Mr Simnock, and you're wicked to say so.
23:05You're a great Mary Ann Bun Boy Nancy, but you've never even done it.
23:09I'm not going to take any more of this from you, Mr Simnock. I'm not, really.
23:12You shouldn't be in a place like this at your time of life.
23:15Well, someone's got to do it. Dedication.
23:17Though why I bother, I do not know.
23:19You should be out there having oral sex.
23:23Killing people and watching women urinate in opera houses.
23:28Eating hamburgers in opera houses
23:30and drinking milk from the breasts of Nepalese maidens.
23:33It was Burmese last time.
23:35Nepalese. I've changed my mind.
23:37Instead, you're stuck here taking rude talk from an old man.
23:40You're a great bog-breathed Nancy.
23:44You've really upset me today, Mr Simnock. You have, really.
23:47Now, I'm going out to hurry along your cocoa.
23:49When I get back, I don't want any more nonsense. Honestly.
23:53You're the screaming great Bertie in your pong.
23:5892 years old and I've never watched a woman urinate.
24:02Tragic waste, that.
24:04Now, here you are, Mr Simnock.
24:06I managed to intercept Mrs Gideon in the hall with the tray.
24:09So don't say you're not a lucky man to get your cocoa before the others.
24:12Hooray!
24:13Yes, that's better, isn't it? Cocoa.
24:15That's right, but a certain naughty boy said a few naughty things, didn't he?
24:19Oh, I'm sorry, Brian. Right sorry.
24:21Well, I'm not so sure you should have it now.
24:23As soon as you see your cocoa, you mend your manners, don't you?
24:25Oh, please, Brian.
24:27All right, there you are.
24:31That's better, isn't it?
24:33That's better, isn't it?
24:35Oh, it's a lovely drop of cocoa, that.
24:37That's Berent. That's the best.
24:40Good old Berent's cocoa.
24:42Always there.
24:43Original or new Berent,
24:45specially prepared for the mature citizens in your life.
24:49With nature's added store of powerful barbiturates and heroin.
24:55The shorter one's got a different accent,
24:57but they both smell of Noel Edmonds to me.
25:00In line with inflation.
25:02The rate of tax on beer will be increased by two pence in the pint.
25:07Cigarettes by four pence in the pint,
25:09which is in advance of the rate of inflation,
25:11in line with the government's current thinking on smoking and health.
25:16Petrol and diesel and Dove fuels will be increased by three pence in the litre.
25:22I am one of the people!
25:27I'm sorry?
25:28You bleed the people so that you may stuff your own fat pockets.
25:34Yes.
25:36The vehicle licence tax will be increased from one hundred pounds,
25:41its present rate, to one hundred and twenty pounds.
25:44Yes, so that your own bathroom may be lined with venison and fine delicacies.
25:51Captured in foreign wars thought by the poor people.
25:55Be quiet.
25:57I'll not be quiet.
25:58The poor of England have been quiet too long.
26:01While I have breath in my body and blood in my veins,
26:04I'll fight for the poor people of England.
26:07Bold words indeed.
26:09Aye, bold but true.
26:11And what is your name, sir,
26:13that you must shroud yourself under a lightweight travelling hat?
26:18My name, sir, and I bid you mark it well,
26:22is Tony of Plymouth.
26:25Tony of Plymouth?
26:27None other!
26:28By God, then, Tony of Plymouth,
26:31this time you have stumbled into the lion's den.
26:33Guards! Seize him!
26:36I fear, sir, that the guards will never save you from the people.
26:43You mischievous swine!
26:46Cur! Dog! Mongrel! Fish!
26:49I'll see you swing from the nearest jibbit for this.
26:52Is that so?
26:53Aye, that is so.
26:54Then have a care, sir,
26:56that the rope does not fasten itself around your own soft throat.
27:18On the contrary, sir, the blade of a tyrant is dull and fat like its owner.
27:23On the contrary, sir, the blade of a tyrant is dull and fat like its owner.
27:35Cur!
27:42The worm has gone.
27:44More? More?
27:46This worm will not be means-tested by a bully.
27:49Means-tested?
27:52Suck it.
28:14Alternatively, of course, you could just write to your MP.
28:21Thank you.