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TVTranscript
00:00♪
00:30Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:50Now, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
00:58Good, to some extent, evening, ladies and gentlemen,
01:00and welcome to tonight's programme.
01:03As some of you are probably aware,
01:05the political and sexual climate in this country
01:08has led to many large institutions like the BBC
01:12being forced to look elsewhere for their funding.
01:15Funding.
01:18And we are particularly excited here to be able to say
01:21that this show comes to you in association with Tidyman's Carpets.
01:27Tidyman's Carpets resists stains and repels spills.
01:31We regard it as a major step forward
01:33in the history of business sponsorship of the arts.
01:36Only Tidyman's can do this.
01:38But we don't want you to run away thinking that in any way
01:41our editorial independence has been compromised
01:44here at a bit of fry in Tidyman's Carpets.
01:49Bet you can't eat three.
01:52So, without any further ado,
01:54here is the first item in tonight's programme,
01:57and it's called, quite simply, The Spillage That Wasn't.
02:07Shut the door, Rupert's old scout.
02:09Right-o, Peter.
02:10Fancy a quick hundred up?
02:12Oh, absolutely, Governor.
02:14The ladies won't miss us for half an hour, right?
02:16Rather not.
02:18I'll break off.
02:21HE COUGHS
02:23Nice, uh, nice girl, this, uh, this Helena.
02:27Oh, damn hell and custard.
02:30Yes, she's a ripper, Father, an absolute ripper.
02:33Yes, yes.
02:34Good, um, good set of breasts to her.
02:37Oh, yes.
02:39Fine, curving arse.
02:41Yes, she has got a nice arse, hasn't she?
02:43Hmm.
02:45The, uh, the thing is, Rupert's old scout,
02:49um, you getting married and so on,
02:52I thought it was time we raised this whole subject of women.
02:55Oh, blimey.
02:57Are you, uh, expecting to have children?
03:00Oh, I should say so better, yes.
03:02Hmm, hmm, hmm.
03:04Now, I haven't raised this subject with you before, Rufus,
03:08but, um, have you ever wondered how you came to be born?
03:13Uh, well, I just sort of assumed, Peter, you know,
03:17that one day you put your penis inside Mama's vagina
03:20and inseminated her ovarism.
03:24Yes.
03:26Yes, that, um, that is what we told you, isn't it?
03:29Um, the thing is, Mattis,
03:32it's actually a spot more complicated than that.
03:35Complicated? Hmm.
03:37Yes, I'm afraid all that stuff about penises
03:40was just a lot of old pretending.
03:42So, uh, so what exactly...
03:46Well, I...
03:48It's not easy, this, you know.
03:50Well, have a stab at it, Peter.
03:52Um, I know.
03:55Stroke the table.
03:57Stroke the table? Stroke the table.
04:01Is this strictly relevant, Peter?
04:03Come on, man, what does it remind you of?
04:06Billiard table.
04:08Well, nothing.
04:10Unless you mean... Go on!
04:12Of course!
04:13The lush, velvety texture of a tidy man's carpet.
04:16Good man!
04:18Peter, how does having a tidy man's carpet
04:22help you to have children?
04:24Are you completely stupid?
04:27Yes.
04:29If you haven't got a tidy man's carpet,
04:32you can't do any kissing, and kissing makes babies.
04:36But, Peter, I still don't understand.
04:38How does a tidy man's carpet help you to snog?
04:42Sink, you jillock!
04:44Of course!
04:46Sucking a tidy man's carpet removes the stale, unpleasant mouth odours
04:50that stop others from frenching you.
04:52Quite right.
04:54I got it in one, eh, Peter?
04:58Now, wrap your laughing gear round this,
05:01and then wrap it round Helena.
05:04Just you try and stop me, Peter!
05:06HE LAUGHS
05:09Ah, that's my boy.
05:13Well, I was born Mary Paterson,
05:15but then I married, and naturally I took my husband's name,
05:18so now I'm Neil Paterson.
05:20I said, well, if God loves me, he's got a funny way of showing it, hasn't he?
05:23Let's shut him up. Pope or no pope.
05:26Now, it may not be a very popular or fashionable view,
05:31but I do believe that everyone should be forced to wear flared trousers.
05:37Hello, Control. I was just wondering...
05:41Oh.
05:47PHONE RINGS
05:55Hello? This is the Secret Service.
05:59No, I'm afraid Control's not in at the moment. Who is this, please?
06:02Ah, hello, Mrs Control.
06:06No, I don't know where he is.
06:08Yes, it's very strange. I just popped in to ask him if he'd like a cup of coffee
06:12because it's nearly 11 o'clock and there's no-one here.
06:16I agree with you, Mrs Control, that he'll probably turn up. Bye.
06:23Hello, Tony.
06:25Ah, Control. I was just beginning to worry.
06:27Oh?
06:29Yes, Mrs Control has just been on the telephone,
06:32and between me and Mrs Control, neither of us seem to know where you were.
06:35Well, let me explain, Tony.
06:38But before I do that, let me ask you if you notice anything unusual about the office.
06:44The window.
06:46Of course. The window always used to be slightly further to the left.
06:51Not quite, Tony.
06:53Uh, it was a bit of a guess, actually.
06:56I do remember that we did talk about moving the window,
07:00but if you recall, I asked you to make a feasibility study into the whole thing,
07:05but I then had to make the rather difficult decision
07:07that that particular game just wasn't worth the candle.
07:11What's actually different about the window, Tony, is that it's open.
07:15So it is, Control.
07:17Is this in some way connected to your not having been in the office earlier on?
07:21Yes. You see, I fell out of the window.
07:25Gosh, Control, I can only say how sorry I am
07:29and ask whether you were hurt in any way.
07:31To my surprise, Tony, I was not hurt in any way at all.
07:35Well, that is something of a blessing.
07:37Yes, that's right.
07:38Because one of the other things about being Control, I've always thought,
07:41is that your office is on the sixth floor.
07:43So that in the event of something like this happening,
07:46you have got slightly further to fall
07:48than if you were in the records department,
07:50who are located on the first floor of this building.
07:52Very similar thoughts were going through my mind, Tony,
07:56as I travelled towards the pavement with gathering speed.
08:01But Control, how did this whole sorry business come about?
08:04Well, Tony, I've got a confession to make.
08:08You see, one of the things I like to do
08:10before you very kindly bring me my morning coffee
08:13is to feed the pigeons who perch on the windowsill.
08:16Control, I can't say I'm altogether surprised.
08:19There had been some rumours in the canteen to that effect.
08:22Well, I'm glad to be able to silence those wagging tongues once and for all.
08:27I do feed the pigeons.
08:29And it was while doing so this morning that I fell out of the window.
08:33Control, I think I can picture the scene.
08:36Here you were at the window,
08:38so engrossed in what you were doing
08:41that you neglected not to fall out of it.
08:43Am I pretty near the mark?
08:45Spot on, Tony.
08:47Well, I'll tell you another thing, Control,
08:49that's resulted from this adventure.
08:51It's past 11 o'clock and you've not had your coffee.
08:55Oh, it never rains but it pours, eh, Tony?
08:58Yes, Control.
09:00But quite often it rains and pours at the same time.
09:04Mmm.
09:06Tell you what, Tony.
09:08On your way to the coffee-making area,
09:11perhaps you could ask Valerie kindly to pop outside
09:15and apologise to an old lady
09:17who was selling flowers outside the main entrance.
09:20I'll certainly do that, Control.
09:22Did she happen to be the unlucky one who broke your fall?
09:25No, she was fortunate in that respect, Tony,
09:28but she might be a little bit upset
09:30that my fall was broken by her small grandson.
09:34Well, fair enough, Control.
09:36I expect that in that case she'd welcome a cup of coffee too.
09:39Good thinking, Tony.
09:41Oh, now, come on, Simon.
09:44You've caused enough trouble today.
09:46You're not getting a single seed.
09:49Oh, all right, then.
09:52There you are.
09:55Boo!
09:58You see, you've got an aura around you.
10:00We all, all of us, we all have auras round us
10:03and I can tell from your aura that you're wearing shoes.
10:06Am I right?
10:08Now, it's our firm belief here on...
10:11..a bit of Fry and Laurie,
10:13married to a passionate girl from Stockton-on-Tees,
10:16that there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything.
10:21So now I and my partner in crime, Hugh Laurie...
10:25I call him my partner in crime,
10:28but we don't actually commit crimes together of any kind.
10:33That's just...
10:34That's just a ghastly and unacceptable phrase I like to use.
10:37So I and my, as I say, partner in crime...
10:43..would now like to show you the right way and the wrong way
10:47to deal with a couple of young children
10:49who've come round on Halloween a-trick-or-treating.
10:53Right, all we've got to do now is wait for the doorbell to ring.
10:56Right.
10:58Er...
10:59Nice carpet, Hugh. Tidy mins?
11:03Who else, if you'll pardon the pun?
11:06What pun?
11:08There wasn't one. I'm sorry.
11:11Ah!
11:15Trick-or-treat, mister.
11:17Oh, trick-or-treat.
11:19Trick-or-treat.
11:21Selvey's saying, did we prepare a bag of jelly beans out back?
11:25We most certainly did.
11:27I'll go fetch them.
11:31So, Hugh Laurie,
11:34so, young shaver-snapper, do you like football, do you?
11:37Yeah. Yeah? Did you fancy Arsenal this year?
11:40No way. I quite fancy my sister, though.
11:46Ah, here we are, then.
11:48There you go. Enjoy those.
11:50Catch you guys later.
11:52All right, then. Bye-bye.
11:56That was, of course, ladies and gentlemen, the wrong way.
11:59The wrong way. Wrong way.
12:01Wrong way.
12:03We're now going to show you the right way.
12:06Trick-or-treat, mister.
12:08What? What did you say?
12:10Trick-or-treat. Trick-or-treat?
12:13Yeah! How do you get me a no?
12:15This is England, not America. What are you talking about?
12:18This is not America!
12:22We call it the Tidy Mins Test
12:24because only Tidy Mins carpets
12:26have the absorbency and luxurious shag-pile bounce,
12:30the concussion of fall from even the highest of buildings.
12:42So, if those two children had landed 15 feet further to the right,
12:47lives would have been saved.
12:49Isn't it time you started thinking about a Tidy Mins in your life?
12:52The deep shag that really satisfies.
13:01PIANO PLAYS
13:07Oh, it's too big a part.
13:14Play it again, Sam.
13:19That's brilliant. Thank you.
13:22Play it again, Sam.
13:24Yes.
13:26I used to play the piano. I gave it up.
13:29Brilliant. Yeah.
13:31You have to practise a lot, don't you? That's quite right.
13:34It's all the practising. I couldn't take that. Brilliant.
13:37I'll tell you what. Do you know that...
13:40What's that song? Strangers In The Night.
13:43Do you know that one? Strangers In The Night? Yes.
13:46Go on, play that one. Strangers In The Night.
13:49It's brilliant. Go on.
13:52Oh, nice, yes.
13:54Some enchanted evening...
13:57You...
13:59That's actually a different song. What is?
14:02Some Enchanted Evening comes from a song called Some Enchanted Evening.
14:07Does it? Yes, it does.
14:11Strangers In The Night
14:14Yeah, which one do you want?
14:16Strangers In The Night. Go on, off you go.
14:19Strangers In The Night
14:24What are the words to it?
14:26Exchange In Glass. Exchange In Glass.
14:28Off you go. Go on.
14:30Exchange In Glass!
14:32That's too high. Do it down there.
14:35Do it down there.
14:37That's it, yeah. Go on.
14:39Strangers In The Night
14:42Oh, I'll tell you what. What's the other one?
14:45It goes...
14:49My Pretty One. I don't think I know that one.
14:52No, you must know that one. Everyone knows that one.
14:55I'll sing it for you. You follow along with me.
14:58La-di-di-da!
15:00Go on. That's it. La-di-di-da!
15:03My Pretty One
15:05Oh, it's brilliant, that one. Who wrote that one?
15:08You did, I think.
15:10I'll tell you what. You shift up and I'll play.
15:15No, I'll tell you what. I'll play you this one.
15:18This is absolutely my favourite one. Do you know this one?
15:22No.
15:29It's back home, that is. Is it? Is it really?
15:32Always makes me very sad.
15:34Yes, I could weep.
15:36LAUGHTER
15:52Berlin in 1924 was...
15:55..a shattered and divided city.
15:57No city for lovers.
15:59If Clarissa and I had known how brief our moments together were to be,
16:03perhaps we would have spent the time in the pension in Friedrichstrasse
16:07with more care.
16:09But lovers are traditionally careless of time.
16:12Tell you what. Do you know this one?
16:22Oh, no, I absolutely swear by these things.
16:25OK, you ask me anything.
16:27You ask me the time of day in Adelaide.
16:31I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what I'm doing.
16:34On the 3rd of August, 1997.
16:38There, you see? Nothing.
16:40LAUGHTER
16:49We return to some form of consciousness, eh, Major?
16:53Oui. Oui.
16:55You must forgive the rough methods of my colleagues.
16:58Barbarians. Barbarians.
17:00They have no finesse, it grieves me to say.
17:04Where the hell am I?
17:06You're fond of Matisse, Major?
17:09Such bold strokes of the brush.
17:12Such masterly control.
17:14Which way are you going?
17:16So you find one of your own lines.
17:18What was the purpose of your operation?
17:21Donaldson, Eric.
17:23Major. Serial number 6400...
17:27Oh, come, come, Major. You can do so much better than that.
17:31So much better.
17:33That's all you're getting out of me.
17:35Such a pity that our two nations are at war.
17:38We have so much in common, you know.
17:40Tell me, please, when is planned the invasion of France?
17:44Do you think I know that?
17:46And do you think if I did know that I would tell...
17:49You... Oh, my God!
17:53What is the matter, please?
17:55You, I... I can't believe it.
17:58You're not believing what, please?
18:00You're so... so beautiful.
18:06What are you saying?
18:08That it should happen here and now, of all times and all places.
18:13This is it. I just can't believe it.
18:16You're the most fantastic and attractive creature I've ever laid eyes upon.
18:22No, no, no. Don't... Don't play games with me, Major.
18:26Games? Kate, this is no game.
18:29This is the realest thing that's ever happened to me.
18:32Where have you been all my life, you gorgeous darling?
18:35Sit down, Major.
18:37Oh, your eyes, they light up when you're angry. Did you know that?
18:41Now, look. There's so much time to make up for.
18:44I don't know anything about you. I don't know your name.
18:47Hauptsturmführer Friedrich von Stolz.
18:51Friedrich. Yes, I like that. Friedrich.
18:54Major, have you taken leave of your senses?
18:56Yes! Yes, I have!
18:58For the first time in my life, I've taken leave of my senses, and I love it!
19:03Did anyone ever tell you you have the sweetest, silliest little nose
19:07and the biggest, bluest eyes?
19:10Now, I am going to give you one last warning, Major Donaldson.
19:15Get that arse!
19:20Friedrich, Friedrich, that has got to be the cutest little bum ever.
19:25No, no, no, listen. Enough, Major. Enough.
19:28Maybe, ha, yes, maybe you are playing on me with some of your English senses of humour,
19:33but you know... Oh, that accent.
19:36It's so dreamy, you could bathe in it.
19:38Kiss me, Friedrichens, kiss me now!
19:40Where are these plans of the invasion?
19:42Oh, who cares about a stupid little invasion?
19:45I do! Oh, right then.
19:486th of June, Normandy.
19:51But that doesn't matter. What matters is that we've found each other.
19:556th of June, Normandy.
19:58Yes. Now, honey, don't you think that deserves a kiss?
20:03Well, maybe just a little one.
20:07Well, I think I might have left the iron on.
20:11Cheers, Keith. Thanks for your time.
20:14Damn it! What?
20:17It's pretty much as we feared, John. Yeah?
20:20Only a whole heap worse.
20:22Suppose you start from the beginning.
20:25Not much to say. Seems that...
20:31Seems that 20 minutes ago, our time,
20:34the Derwent Enterprises, went into liquidation.
20:37What? Keith called a couple of hours ago from Helsinki.
20:41But that was Keith just now, surely?
20:43Yeah, just now our time. But he called a couple of hours ago his time.
20:47And he called to say that Derwent had gone under.
20:50That's right. Damn! Damn it to damnation!
20:53Damn, double damn and an extra slice of double damned!
20:57Who else knows this?
20:59Well, it's got to be all around town before you can say,
21:01hell, triple blast and damn it to Hades twice.
21:04Hell, triple blast and damn it to Hades...
21:07PHONE RINGS
21:08Yep, Derek knows.
21:10Damn it!
21:12Christ, if they pull on their options, it isn't fair thinking about this.
21:15The whole health club could go belly up.
21:17Right.
21:19I want to know who's behind them.
21:21I want to know who's pulling the strings.
21:24I want to know what in hell's name is going on.
21:27Damn it, John, I do believe you're scared.
21:30You're damn right I'm scared.
21:33I sense Marjorie's hand in this.
21:36Marjorie?
21:38I never told you this, Peter, but after Marjorie left me,
21:42I settled a block of shares on her and the boy.
21:46Shares in the health club? Were you one of your goddamn mind?
21:49In the club? No.
21:51No, I knew I couldn't trust her there, but I gave her shares in Dtech.
21:54And you think?
21:56Think? I don't think anything. There isn't time to think.
21:59There's only time to act.
22:01But is Marjorie really capable of a scrimshaw trick like this?
22:06Hell, Marjorie would float her own grandmother as a holding corporation
22:11and strip her bear of preference stock if she thought it would hurt me.
22:16Three pints of damn and a chaser of hell blast.
22:20What about the boy, John?
22:22The boy's Dennis, Peter.
22:25No, no, what about the boy, John?
22:28You leave the boy out of this. He's just a boy.
22:31You know, it's something I've always wondered, John.
22:33Yeah? How the boy ended up living with Marjorie after the divorce.
22:38The court ruled that I was violent and unstable.
22:42An unfit father.
22:44Well, that's a damn joke, John.
22:46If they could have seen how you've parented this company.
22:49Yeah, well, Marjorie told them a story about how one night I'd been working late,
22:54I came home and I sensed in Marjorie's eyes and voice
22:57a sneering, a mocking, I don't know.
23:00I suppose I must have flipped.
23:02I emptied a bowl of trifle all over her.
23:05So, she got custody?
23:07Very.
23:12Yeah, it must have hurt, John.
23:14It must have hurt not being able to watch Dennis grow up.
23:17Hurt? No. No, the boy means nothing to me now.
23:20Oh, yeah, John? Oh, yeah?
23:22So how come every year on his birthday
23:24you take him down to London to see Phantom of the Opera?
23:27I do that because I hate him.
23:30Fair enough.
23:32But I give Marjorie due warning this day.
23:35If she wants a fight, then by arse she's going to get one.
23:39And the prize, John?
23:41It's as big as they get, Peter.
23:43The entire leisure market in the Utoxeter catchment area
23:46goes to the winner. No strings attached.
23:49Why can't you leave me alone?
23:54John, what was it you once said to me about perspective?
23:58I seem to remember asking how it was spelt.
24:02No, no, no, after that.
24:05What are you trying to say to me, Peter?
24:08I'm saying...
24:10I'm saying, damn it, I'm here.
24:12Marjorie's 150 miles away her time,
24:16and if you and I, we can't fight this bastard son of a mongrel hellcat bitch,
24:21then we aren't the team who weathered the tiny man's crisis
24:24and came up smacking roses, that's what I'm saying.
24:27Damn it, Peter, you're right.
24:30Call Ipswich now, your time,
24:33and tell them that Derwent Enterprises or no Derwent Enterprises,
24:38this health club is in business and stays in business.
24:42And if Marjorie should call, John?
24:45Marjorie? Never heard of her.
24:47Damn it, John, I love it when you're flying.
24:50Right, Sarah, get in a pot of hot strong coffee and a dozen memo pads.
24:55Right, let's get the hell out of here before they arrive.
24:59Damn!
25:03Oh, this is one of them hidden camera things, is it?
25:07No? Oh, well, because I was going to say,
25:10it's not very well hidden, is it?
25:20Now, ladies and gentlemen, we're very excited.
25:23We're very excited, aren't we, Hugh? Yes.
25:25We're certainly tremendously excited.
25:27Shall I tell them or will you?
25:29I think you'd better tell them, because I don't know what you're going to say.
25:33Well, ladies and gentlemen, our final item this evening,
25:37our end sketch, has been stolen.
25:41Stolen? Mm, by Omar Sharif.
25:45Again? Yes.
25:47Well, I say stolen, I lost it to him in a game of backgammon,
25:50and even as we speak, he's using it as his end sketch
25:53in Monaco TV's Omar Sharif comedy hour.
25:57So that means we're going to have to improvise our end sketch this week.
26:01Ah, well, now, you see, now I know why you were excited,
26:04because, of course, improvisation is very much the coming thing, isn't it?
26:07That's right, that's right. Everybody's at it.
26:09Apparently, David Vine, the governor,
26:12even David Vine, improvises, has been for years.
26:16So does Mike Smith. That's right.
26:18Everything that the governor and Smitty say
26:21just comes to them off the top of their brains.
26:24Frightening. Mm, mm, mm.
26:26Now, in order to prove to you
26:28that the sketch we're going to end this evening with
26:31is totally improvised, we're going to ask you, the audience,
26:35to give us, the us,
26:38some kind of first line on which we can build our improvised sketch.
26:43That's right, and to give you some idea of a suitable sort of thing for a first line,
26:46we're going to show you some first lines
26:48from the A Bit Of Fry And Lorry First Line Archive.
26:54Um, has Sir Deborah Munnings arrived yet?
26:58Yes, I'd like to apply to become a homosexual, please.
27:13I didn't know you had spots. I haven't.
27:15Just great-looking hair.
27:24When somebody loves you
27:27It's all good unless they love you
27:33Well, perhaps I can press you to a cream slice,
27:36as I once said to an actress.
27:40Has Deborah Munnings arrived yet?
27:42Um, so, if any of you have any ideas for first lines for sketches
27:45that we can improvise, well, hit us now.
27:47Anybody? Hit us on a first line.
27:49Some first line that we can weave some kind of magic around.
27:52First line. Any ideas?
27:54Do you sell grapefruit? Do you sell grapefruit?
27:56Do you sell grapefruit?
27:58Well, it's a... We can weave a pretty tantalising spell around that one.
28:01Shall we try it? Christ, that's fabulous.
28:03All right, so, ladies and gentlemen,
28:05we now present our improvised sketch entitled Do You Sell Grapefruit?
28:08Yes, I'm hot for this. Hot, hot, hottie.
28:11All right, OK. Um...
28:14What?
28:16I'll be the grapefruit seller, you be the customer.
28:18Oh, right, yes. OK, right, let's go. Right.
28:21Wait a minute, what do I say?
28:24Make it up as you go along. Oh, make it up as I go along.
28:27Oh, I'm excited about this. Yes, right. OK.
28:30Ching-ching!
28:32Do you sell any grapefruit?
28:34Yes.
28:42Right, I'll have three, please.
28:45They're 14 pence each.
28:48Here's 50p.
28:50Thank you.
28:52Here's 8p change.
28:55And your grapefruit.
28:57Thank you.
28:59Oh, we just made that one up! That's amazing!
29:01Oh, wow!
29:07We're very excited about it.
29:10Seeing as being as how we're on a roll,
29:12does anybody have any other suggestions at all?
29:15You're wearing my hat.
29:18Well, yes, it could be something like that, yeah.
29:20Any others?
29:22Bugger off!
29:24Bugger off? Bugger off.
29:27It's not really a line, is it? No, it's more of a sort of idea, really.
29:33It's quite a good idea, though, isn't it? Yeah.
29:35Shall we do it? Let's do it. We'll do it. OK.
29:38Nice jacket. Thailand? No, Allies.
30:08Thank you.