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00:00I hate you. You hear me? I hate you.
00:03You really think you could seduce my wife, steal my son and get away with it, huh?
00:07With your ridiculous suits and your flobbity beard?
00:10This world would be a better place with you gone.
00:18And how does that make you feel?
00:20A little blue, if I'm honest.
00:22But I'm pleased that Tim is finally sharing with the group.
00:25We have to talk about Philip's feelings.
00:27No offence, Philip.
00:29No offence, Philip.
00:30You seem to have a lot of rage inside you.
00:32You got rage from that?
00:33I definitely did.
00:34Must be the acoustics.
00:35And Marcus, what do you think?
00:37I'm sorry?
00:38What do you think about your daddy's behaviour?
00:42I'm sorry, I wasn't paying the slightest attention.
00:44Does daddy get angry a lot?
00:45No.
00:46Can you let Marcus answer?
00:47No, he doesn't.
00:48Bad luck.
00:49Unless four or five times a week is a lot.
00:51What?
00:52Can you get that down?
00:53I'm sorry, daddy. Please don't beat me.
00:55Don't beat me?
00:57OK, that's very funny.
00:59I don't get angry.
01:00You seem pretty angry now.
01:01No, I don't.
01:02Please don't shout at me, Tim.
01:04I'm not shouting.
01:05He always does this.
01:06Yes.
01:07I think a lot of this rage...
01:08No rage.
01:09...derives from feelings of resentment towards Philip.
01:11Oh, you poor thing.
01:12So, that's something we need to work on.
01:14What do we think would be a good goal?
01:17I think they should hug.
01:19Oh, that's a terrific idea.
01:20Never going to happen.
01:21Or even a hug and a little kiss.
01:23You seriously expect me to get up...
01:25Hug and kiss. Oh, yes.
01:26Yeah, well, of course you do, Paula.
01:28But unfortunately for you, even Philip has no interest.
01:31Come here, big guy.
01:32All righty. I've got to get to work.
01:34OK.
01:36See you tonight.
01:37Tonight?
01:38Parent-teacher evening.
01:42Can I have a word?
01:48Why didn't you tell me about the parent-teacher evening?
01:50Why would I?
01:51Because I'm a parent.
01:52Well, technically.
01:53No, not technically.
01:54Tim, I don't want you with the parents evening.
01:56Oh, you're ashamed of me. Is that what you're saying?
01:58I believe the fashionable expression is,
02:00Duh.
02:01But I could help you.
02:02Tim, I've been scoring starred A's since I was 36 months.
02:06I know, but...
02:07This is not a battle you can win.
02:09How can I put this most simply?
02:11I'm the Persians at Thermopylae.
02:13The Portuguese at Kachin.
02:14You see what I'm saying?
02:16You're Persian?
02:17I'm saying I will win.
02:18I always will.
02:19I always get my way.
02:21I'll be in the car.
02:30Go!
02:51Go!
03:06Scan in progress.
03:07Identified.
03:08Low-fat organic tzatziki.
03:10£2.73.
03:12No, Tim Elliot.
03:14Next customer, please.
03:18OK, pay attention, people.
03:20Who's seen one of these before?
03:22Yeah, this is a personal microcomputer, or PC computer.
03:26Now, these machines have the capacity to process
03:29literally thousands of numbers and letters every hour.
03:34Excuse me. Sorry.
03:35Yeah.
03:36I think, um...
03:37I think some of your technical information
03:38might be a little bit out of date.
03:41Right there, bang!
03:42Look at him!
03:43Because there is your top gun.
03:45Only Tim, only Tim,
03:47noticed that I had, in fact,
03:48sprinkled some tiny factual inaccuracies into my lecture.
03:51You people are going to have to raise your game
03:53if you're going to keep up with this guy.
03:55OK, so today we're going to learn about computer hacking.
03:57Firstly, no thinking.
03:59Is hacking legal or illegal?
04:01Yep.
04:02Illegal.
04:03Wrong. You.
04:04Illegal.
04:05Wrong. Go.
04:06Illegal.
04:07Really?
04:08Yeah.
04:09I thought it was just found upon.
04:10You.
04:11OK, well, just as well MI5 is above the law.
04:14Would you please stop interrupting?
04:16Tim, so sorry about them two.
04:20Once you've settled into which site you want to hack into,
04:23start launching your XRF programmes.
04:25What's your target, son?
04:27I'm attempting to crack into a secure cachet
04:30of orbital-dominant images with high global significance.
04:33You're hacking into celebrity surgical records.
04:36Yes, I am.
04:37OK, five minutes. My job.
04:40HE CHUCKLES
04:44What are you doing?
04:46So are you, pal.
04:48Dear, only a B in geography.
04:51And what's this? A C in history.
04:55You'll have to do better than that if you're going to run the IMF.
04:58Just so I'm absolutely clear,
05:00you do know you're sabotaging your own son's school grades?
05:02Yep.
05:03And you don't feel bad about that?
05:04Just teaching him a little lesson.
05:06It's actually quite good parenting, if you think about it.
05:08Now, English language...
05:11Er...
05:13C, me thinks.
05:15Make it a D.
05:16Well, if you're going to do it properly.
05:18D it is.
05:19What are you doing?
05:20Hacking into Johnny Depp's holiday photos.
05:22Yeah, because that's what women do.
05:24No, actually, the boss has asked me to infiltrate an anarchist chatroom.
05:28Oh, get you.
05:31When you say holiday photos, no, never mind.
05:35You're kidding.
05:37No.
05:38You changed his grades?
05:39Yes.
05:40He's going to go ballistic.
05:42I know.
05:43And so what, you just hacked into the website?
05:45Yeah. You know, it's quite easy.
05:46You can hack into almost anything.
05:48Businesses, hospital records, bank accounts.
05:50Bank accounts.
05:52And businesses and...
05:54Cool.
05:55Right, yeah, it's all in the book.
06:04Hey, here he is.
06:06You're back early. How did it go?
06:08Not well.
06:09But you always get star days.
06:10I know I do.
06:11So you can imagine my surprise when I discovered several of my grades
06:14appear to have fallen below that standard.
06:17Well, it can't be that bad.
06:19Show me the report card.
06:21You're treading on very thin ice, Tim.
06:23Come on, let Daddy see.
06:26A C in history? I thought you liked history.
06:28I devour history.
06:30He devours history, and yet a C?
06:32Ouch.
06:33And a B in German? What's happened there?
06:35Das war ein schockierendes Resultat.
06:38Ja, I can well imagine.
06:40Looks like you've got a little bit of knuckling down to do, young man.
06:43Maybe I can help with your homework, you know, if you're struggling.
06:47A D in English language.
06:48Stop it.
06:49It says it here.
06:50English language, grade D.
06:52It's your native tongue.
06:54Too far, Tim.
06:56You went too far.
06:57I have no idea what you're talking about.
06:59There'll be consequences.
07:00You can count on it.
07:03Why don't you count on it, Mr. C in maths?
07:08I should head.
07:09OK.
07:10You're not worried about him taking his revenge, are you?
07:13No.
07:14A little bit, yeah.
07:15I suggest you sleep with the door locked tonight.
07:18No, seriously.
07:19No, I'm going to, absolutely.
07:21Night, Ollie.
07:27I don't know.
07:28I don't know.
07:29I don't know.
07:30I don't know.
07:31I don't know.
07:32I don't know.
07:33I don't know.
07:34I don't know.
07:35I don't know.
07:36I don't know.
07:37I don't know.
07:38I don't know.
07:39I don't know.
07:49Where were you last night?
07:51What are you doing?
07:52I waited up.
07:53You didn't come home.
07:54I don't...
07:55No, don't tell me you were working late.
07:57I don't live with you.
07:58Lost track of time.
07:59I don't live with you.
08:00Oh, the car broke down.
08:01I don't live with you.
08:02But you get it.
08:03We can make a life together, a life built on truth and honesty.
08:06Wow.
08:07But if you don't care enough to even fight for us,
08:09then maybe we should just call it quits.
08:12Yeah, let's do that.
08:14It's your choice.
08:15I think we should call it quits.
08:16Whatever you say.
08:17I say call it quits.
08:18I'm not a mind reader, Tim.
08:20You're going to have to open up to me eventually.
08:22OK.
08:23Why don't you...
08:24I wish I knew how to quit you.
08:26LAUGHTER
08:31That's not what it looks like.
08:39Still nothing?
08:40Not a thing.
08:42They're not a very chatty bunch, these anarchists.
08:44No, but they're probably all out somewhere doing anarchy.
08:47Brilliant.
08:48You should spice it up.
08:49Draw them in with a bit of virtual flesh.
08:53Yeah, all right.
08:54I am so hot in here.
08:58Air con broken.
08:59Nice.
09:00Must take off shirt.
09:02Dress.
09:03Dress. Good. Yeah.
09:05How did Marcus take his newly imposed mediocrity?
09:08Not that well.
09:09No.
09:10I felt a bit bad, to be honest.
09:11So you've changed it back?
09:12Not yet.
09:13Tim!
09:14We've been summoned to his headmaster's office this afternoon
09:16to discuss his grades.
09:18I just want to see his little Persian face.
09:21Nothing.
09:23And hi to you, Carl276.
09:40Can you go and take the delivery?
09:42James?
09:45Nosy.
09:47So, why do you think Marcus's grades have dropped off?
09:51I don't know.
09:53Nothing to do with me, and you can't prove a thing.
09:55It's OK, Tim.
09:56Parents often feel guilty about their children's failures,
09:59but they're completely innocent.
10:01Completely?
10:02How's his home life?
10:05Are you serious?
10:07Tim, this is just a routine conversation
10:09between a concerned father and an education professional.
10:12Mm-hm.
10:13Well, if you must know...
10:15Yeah?
10:16..things haven't been going very well at home.
10:18I see.
10:19It's Marcus's mother.
10:20Oh.
10:21She's dating this guy who, between us, is a dick.
10:28Right.
10:29Well, let's try not to focus on...
10:31He's really annoying and clingy.
10:34You know the type.
10:35Emotionally fragile, mentally not quite right.
10:38I'm sure he must have some redeeming qualities.
10:40He doesn't.
10:41Perhaps he's a hilarious raconteur
10:44or a surprisingly gifted salsa dancer.
10:46No.
10:47No?
10:48No.
10:49Right.
10:50He thinks he's funny,
10:52but really people are just laughing at him.
10:54What a fool.
10:55Yeah, and as for the dancing...
10:57Yeah?
10:58Well, I mean, to be honest,
10:59he just doesn't have the hips for salsa.
11:01How dare you!
11:02These hips were born to swing to the rhythm of the bongo.
11:05I thought you were just an education professional.
11:07An education professional?
11:08With Cuban lightning coursing through his veins?
11:10You've gone too far this time, Tim.
11:12Too far!
11:13All righty.
11:14I take it this meeting is over.
11:34What are you doing here?
11:36What are you doing here?
11:38I thought you had double entry bookkeeping this evening.
11:41I did.
11:42And?
11:44I've been suspended.
11:46What?
11:47What for?
11:49Philip said you'd know why.
11:51Philip.
11:52What have you done, Tim?
11:57Nothing.
12:04Marcus.
12:07You know, you have to come out sometime.
12:09Even if it's just to eat.
12:16I know you miss being at school.
12:17Do you want to talk about it?
12:21I'm going to get you back in, I promise.
12:26Marcus.
12:37You're dead, you're dead, you're dead.
12:43Good night.
12:48Sir.
12:49Ah, Tim.
12:50You wanted to see me?
12:51That's not loaded, is it?
12:55No.
12:56Sorry, sir.
12:57I need to ask you for a few more days off.
12:59You've already had a week off, Tim.
13:00I know.
13:01I have a domestic situation I need to deal with.
13:04I see.
13:05Why do you say so?
13:06What's her name?
13:07Who?
13:08The girl, you dirty squirrel.
13:09There's no girl.
13:10In the family way?
13:11Of course she is.
13:12No.
13:13What?
13:14No.
13:15No, it's my son.
13:16He's been suspended from school.
13:17No ladies involved?
13:18Absolutely not, sir.
13:19I swear.
13:20Well, in that case, I'm sorry, Tim.
13:21I can't give you any more time off.
13:22You're far too far behind on your training.
13:23There must be someone who can help out.
13:28Oh, until what time?
13:32Oh, go on then.
13:33OK.
13:34OK.
13:35Bye, bye, bye, bye.
13:36Bye, bye.
13:42He'll be fine.
13:43He will, won't he?
13:44Of course.
13:45Look, there are plenty of worse people you could leave Marcus with.
13:48Yeah, you're right.
13:50Like who?
13:51I can't think of anyone.
13:52Not one.
13:53Yeah!
13:54Here we go!
13:56Hey!
13:57Ha!
13:58Of course.
13:59It's obvious, really.
14:00Shh.
14:04On today's show...
14:05Brothers at war.
14:24What are you watching?
14:25Only Television Genius.
14:28How can you watch this dross?
14:30The guy on the right is sleeping with the girl.
14:32So?
14:33The girl is married to the guy on the left.
14:35Boring.
14:36The girl is the sister of the guy on the right.
14:39Go on.
14:40The guy on the left is the brother of the guy on the right.
14:43Shut up.
14:45They're siblings.
14:47And they're about to bring out the dad, who is gay, and sleeping with the uncle.
14:53...whom she claims drinks excessively, does nothing around the house, and has even been violent to her on numerous occasions.
14:59Your theories on dollar redistribution be interesting.
15:03Thanks.
15:04Are you cute too?
15:06Maybe.
15:07Is there a Mr. Strike 1886?
15:13Not yet.
15:14Good.
15:15What are you into?
15:17You first.
15:18Theater.
15:19Golf.
15:20Spanking.
15:22Spanking?
15:25What?
15:26Come on.
15:28No.
15:29Strike 1886.
15:30Carl 276.
15:32You make me sick.
15:34Wait.
15:35Stay away from me.
15:36I was joking.
15:37I was joking.
15:39I can explain.
15:40I have a weapon.
15:45So, what do we think?
15:47Very sharp.
15:49I think so too.
15:50That was a wonderful shopping excursion.
15:52Good.
15:53How do you have such an expensive car on such a modest salary?
15:56It's complicated.
15:57Did you consolidate your debts into one easy-to-manage monthly payment?
16:01Something like that.
16:02So, what's next?
16:06I suppose you want to watch Countdown.
16:08A quiz?
16:09Boring.
16:10What else is there?
16:11Well, I'd normally tuck into another one of these.
16:13Brilliant!
16:15What the hell's going on?
16:16Oh, Tim, have you seen the show?
16:19Yes.
16:21Yeah, it's rubbish.
16:22How can you say that?
16:24Look how wise and majestic he is.
16:26What are you wearing?
16:28I know.
16:29My trousers actually have toweling material inside them.
16:32I might literally beat you to death.
16:34Don't do it here.
16:35Do it on the show.
16:36Have you eaten anything today?
16:38Plenty, thank you.
16:39You don't look very well.
16:41That's not organic chicken, you know that?
16:46Oh.
16:50I was actually still eating that.
16:55She's in with him now.
16:56You've really done it this time.
16:59Can I go see him?
17:01Best not.
17:02He's sleeping now.
17:03How is he?
17:04Not good, I'm afraid.
17:05This is going to play out beautifully in court.
17:07I tried reading to him, but his body is just too weak to digest 19th century post-industrial literature.
17:12And you tried Elizabeth Gaskell?
17:14Yes.
17:15No response.
17:16I can't wait to tell Paula all about this.
17:18I took my eyes off him for one moment.
17:20I should go.
17:21Yeah, sorry.
17:22Thank you, Justine.
17:23I'll check on him again in the morning.
17:25This is perfect.
17:27I will fix it.
17:28First thing.
17:36Yes?
17:40Hiya.
17:41Hello.
17:45Thanks for seeing me.
17:46It's that short notice.
17:47Uh-huh.
17:50May I, um...
17:51No.
17:52All right.
17:53Philip, I wanted to apologize for the other day.
17:55I think we both said some things that we regret.
17:58I didn't.
17:59Just me, then?
18:01I am sorry that I called you unfunny and clingy.
18:07And a dick.
18:09You remember that.
18:11Whoops.
18:14And I am also sorry if I suggested that your hips were not designed for salsa
18:20when it is clear to see that they are perfectly engineered to invoke the Latin beat.
18:24Yes, well, thank you.
18:26I won't pretend your words did not wound, but I know that at heart we are very dear friends.
18:31Yeah, so with that in mind, I wondered if...
18:37I wondered if you would consider readmitting Marcus.
18:40Well, under the circumstances, I am prepared to readmit Marcus.
18:46Really?
18:47Well, that's...
18:48That's great.
18:49Thank you.
18:50Now, if only we could find a way to mark this milestone in our friendship.
18:54Forget it.
18:55What?
18:56Not hugging you, Philip.
18:57No, you're right.
18:58It would be wonderful having him at home all the time.
19:06One hug.
19:07Yes.
19:08But no kissing.
19:09Of course, no kissing.
19:10I mean it.
19:11I never even wanted to kiss.
19:14What is wrong with you?
19:16Sorry, got confused.
19:17Unbelievable.
19:18Let me know about Cirque du Soleil.
19:28Good morning.
19:29I didn't kiss anyone.
19:30What?
19:31What?
19:32What's wrong with you?
19:33Nothing wrong with me.
19:34Why would anything be wrong with me?
19:35I'm absolutely fine.
19:36What's wrong with you, if anything?
19:37Excuse me for breathing.
19:38Sorry, just a bit of a bad morning.
19:42Oh, is Marcus still not well?
19:44No, he's doing better, thanks.
19:46He watched a documentary this morning on quantitative easing, so...
19:49Well, that's good, I think.
19:52Yeah, I should probably put his school record straight.
19:55Yeah.
19:59What happened to you?
20:00He slipped.
20:01Clumsy me.
20:02I'll be more careful in future.
20:05I definitely will.
20:10What?
20:11Nothing.
20:12Am I doing something stupid?
20:14No.
20:25How are you feeling?
20:26Juvenescent.
20:28Right.
20:32Listen, I'm sorry you got suspended from school.
20:34Why are you sorry, Tim?
20:36It wasn't your fault, was it?
20:37No.
20:39No, I...
20:40I do feel responsible in a strikingly indirect way.
20:43Listen, I promise, I'll never interfere in your academic career again.
20:47Never?
20:48Never.
20:49No parent-teacher evenings?
20:50Especially no parent-teacher evenings.
20:54OK, then.
20:59Oh, and, Tim?
21:00Yeah?
21:01I told you, I always get my way.
21:10I think I'm in a spot of trouble!
21:12I don't suppose you could amend criminal convictions, can you?
21:16Thanks, mate, I really appreciate this.
21:18I owe you one for...
21:19Tim? Tim?
21:20Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
21:21You're still angry, and I understand that, but...
21:24Marcus!
21:25Hey, buddy!
21:26Marcus!
21:27Hey, buddy!
21:28Remember who got you the clothes?
21:30It was Uncle Chris, wasn't it?
21:31You're an accomplice!
21:32I'll tell them it was your right...
21:33Evening, officers.
21:37You let me know if you need more jasmine tea.
21:39Will do.
21:40Now, put that away!
21:42Put that away!