Spy - 101 (2011) [couchtripper][U]
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FunTranscript
00:00Oh
00:30Marcus did I startle you? No. No, I was no
00:34How are you? How was school?
00:36Torpid right. Hope I'm not interrupting. No. No, I think this is just
00:42Delivered by mistake. No, I do this left you. Oh, hey now. Listen, I'm he loves you Marcus. I know she loves me
00:48We're trying to establish why she does not love you
00:52Right because you are weak. Okay, and you are boring. I see and you were lazy
00:57That true I didn't love you. There you go. You say I despised you
01:02Your weakness drove her into the arms of another man a man who could properly nourish her both intellectually as well as physically
01:08That's exactly right. Really don't need to hear about Philip. No offense Philip. Hey, I don't care
01:13But I ended up scoring the hottie not in front of him. You are still his headmaster for God's sake
01:19So we'll see you next weekend. Oh, but can't I just stay with you?
01:22It's only temporary just while your mama sorts out all the legal stuff. Yes, and her pill addiction
01:35You take care big bear don't get off me
01:38Come on, thank you. I'm feeling the need for speed
01:43Okay
01:45Right
01:48Now the oldies are out of our hair
01:50I'll say you and me go grab ourselves a pizza or alone time. Yeah, that's a good idea
02:15You
02:2422 pages a minute pretty reasonable in consumption and the photo quality is good. It's not bad
02:30Can I access the printer through my phone? What do you want to do that for? I'm handling this. Thanks, Chris
02:34I just thought that I loathe people like you Chris
02:37Transferring your failed aspirations onto some trendy bit of hardware that has the processing power to run NASA Chris
02:44But all you do is watch hilarious clips of fat kids on roller coasters Chris or illegally download the latest girls allowed album because you're too
02:52Embarrassed and too cheap to pay for it Chris and the rest of the time you sit in front of your screen slack-jawed
02:58Gorging yourself on meaningless drivel until one day the futility of your hate resistance smacks you square in your flat
03:06feeble face
03:10I'm gonna think about it already
03:15Thanks do call again
03:20Just for once
03:24Why'd you stay at computer galaxy the prestige
03:30Marcus hates me Marcus is a dick
03:32You can't say that about my son. I know I've met him. He is he's nine
03:36I don't know why you don't just let him live with his mom. Believe me. Judith is not a good mother Wow
03:42For what it's worth I think Marcus is pretty hard on you. Thanks
03:46Appreciate that so you divorced his mother big deal lighten up
03:49She was actually the one who so what if you exploited her pill addiction to win back custody and have her chucked out of her
03:54Own house good for you shows you care the courts have decided that I should honestly cares
03:59If you've been working as a junior sales assistant in a computer shop for the last seven years
04:05Five years actually seven years actually do
04:08Seven years
04:11When they wonder he doesn't respect me I'm
04:13not
04:15Going nowhere. That's a problem because no, I'm sorry
04:18I should be doing more with my life than selling cheap printers and sitting here with you every single day sharing M&S meal deals
04:25I have a BSC from Sussex Chris. I have a first from Oxford. And do you see me complaining all the time exactly?
04:31No, I'm sorry
04:33What are you doing it isn't time I'm quitting quitting to do what I don't know something better with my life
04:42See you around Chris
04:53You got something on you, yeah
05:04Oh, yeah, I'm on my journey. Oh gee what any danger of some supper? Yes, absolutely
05:13Let's see what we've got
05:18Human forget it. I'll go around to Justine's. They're having Lanta gene. I quit my job
05:23I
05:30Quit my job today and what exactly are we going to do for money get another job a better job doing what?
05:38Sudoku I'm
05:41Figured it out yet. We'll take your time. The human body can last a good 10 days before withering to death from malnutrition
05:47I'm sensing that you're not that pleased. I know it's unfashionable in today's socialist dystopia, but I still regard
05:53Unemployment as a badge of failure. No, see no. Look. This is a new start for me cross, you know
05:58I mean, yes things might be a little bit
06:01Difficult to begin with but it's a chance for us to really come together, you know be a team
06:04Come on, what do you say dad? Yeah
06:08Get a bloody job
06:10Understood good. Have fun
06:13All right, you have a BSC in computer science with Spanish with Spanish
06:19Clarification, huh? You've been working at computer galaxy for you think five years, but it might be seven. Yeah, that's right
06:25You like number puzzles and strategic board games. I do and you have an adorable little son called Marcus. I
06:31Have a son. All right. Let's see what we've got. You should be doing this. Mr. Computer. Yeah. No, you shouldn't
06:37Well government-funded organization and it would be illegal if I let you touch my terminal, right? I didn't ask. Yeah. Well next time just think oh
06:45Here we go. McLaren are looking for a computer engineer for their Formula One team involves attending all the Grand Prix's
06:52Monaco, California, Indonesia salary 58 and a half
06:56That sounds great. I can't be away that much need to be with my son
07:00And I bet he absolutely loves being with you
07:03Oh
07:05Playboy are looking for a web technician. That sounds quite fun. Doesn't it? Wow sign me up. You have a son
07:12No, but you just you shame on you Tim
07:14Well, it's gone now. So Oh
07:17What about this one civil service? They need someone to input data now
07:21It's only a six-month contract, but you never know might get extended
07:25Yeah, go on. Really? Yeah civil service. Why not school?
07:28All right, now there is an assessment day tomorrow at 12, so I'll just print off your forms and you are good to go
07:34all righty, I
07:36Feel like this is gonna be the start of great things for you, too
07:47Hey good job
07:59You
08:01Ready for your interview? Yeah, I think so. Do you want to practice some questions? Nope. I think I'm okay
08:08Why do you think you're suited to this position?
08:11Well too slow on a scale of four to sixty. Do you prefer failure or defeat?
08:16Don't understand really no 47 what no, no, okay pretty basic stuff
08:21Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're gonna stick to questions about my CV
08:25Just
08:27The one sheet yeah, how compact
08:31Says here you're single. Yes been single a long time. Um, well since your mother left me
08:36So what's that all about a year and why specifically do you think women find you so repugnant?
08:43Yeah, I really don't think they're gonna ask me that so say you speak intermediate Spanish say
08:48Kuala, Sonia's export of the honest principal is the Catalonia
08:53See Quintana's
08:57Illuminous
08:58de la los dos boss and
09:02Tonio's vendors
09:05Do you think you got the job no, no
09:08You got to pick me up from football this afternoon and try not to be too late
09:12It's probably not the best idea for a nine-year-old to be left alone on an empty playing field. All righty
09:18Unless you're trying to get me abducted. Is that what you want him?
09:22No
09:26Good luck with the interview
09:44Excuse me, um, you don't know where room one. Okay. Thanks. You don't know
09:49You don't know
10:00Just in time any pop
10:13No talking, thank you
10:19Oh
10:34Right, you have one hour again
10:50Oh
11:00Maybe just leave them. Yes
11:19Oh
11:39No finished finished it's only been 17 minutes I can stay it's fine got things
11:50Oh
12:02What's your name Tim Elliot
12:05Well done Tim well done be back at two for the interview, okay
12:19I
12:24Just get it later good idea
12:26I
12:44Think it went okay
12:46Well, you'd be sure to tell them from me that the civil service is nothing but a pimp to this fascist puppet government
12:52And I count off the days till we see their servile heads rolling in the streets. Yeah
12:57Yeah, I'll definitely do that. All right, cool
13:09Gonna need a new one
13:16Do you mind
13:19I
13:20Was saying it first. No, I meant with you sit with you. Oh you
13:24So I thought you meant you wanted me to
13:27Do you mind? Sorry? No. Yeah, go ahead
13:30Come it probably I'm Caitlin
13:32and Tim
13:34Sausage. Okay. They're pork. I'm fine. Yes, I think they are just as
13:4087% meat
13:42You finish the test very quickly
13:44Very definitely pork in there. I mean I found it pretty easy as well and beef then again
13:48My entire career has been leading up to this moment. So
13:51Really?
13:53Well, I don't think you'll get the job
13:56Why have you heard something? No, is this part of the test? Are you wearing a wire?
14:02Son just says that they only hire ugly people in the civil service. So that would count you out
14:07God, I want this job. Sorry. Don't worry about it
14:11Loads of other jobs out there. There's one a playboy right now if you're interested
14:15That was a model, you know, just techie stuff
14:18No, you're not attractive enough to be a model because that you are, you know, but you don't you wouldn't want to
14:24You know do all the
14:28You know, you're not attractive enough to be a model because that you are, you know, but you don't you wouldn't want to
14:33You know do all the
14:36You know, you know, I mean, thanks, but no right. Yes. Yes. I mean not even. Thanks, right? Just no
14:46I'm gonna head back. Okay. Yeah, good luck this afternoon you too
14:54You sure you
15:01Yeah
15:05Yeah
15:16Damn impressive exam results Tim. Thank you, but we don't appear to have any paperwork on you
15:22No, I'm job center should have sent it over
15:25Discreet I like that. So any questions for us?
15:31Do you do dental cover
15:33Yeah for the teeth
15:36You
15:37You are one cool guy Tim. It is smoking cool
15:40Okay, but I bet you hear that all the time not as often as you think Tim. We uh
15:45We'd like to offer you a job
15:47Wow, brilliant. Okay. Thanks
16:05I
16:22That is yeah, I know it's standard issue Glock 17, I'm afraid
16:26But hey, you're free to supplement it. Did you see fit?
16:30Personally I preferred these babies
16:35Boom
16:39Right good what everything okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh, yeah, actually one thing
16:47Will I be needing that a lot do you think what you mean for the data processing not reading your t-bird the
16:53processing the data
16:55The whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, hmm. It's okay nice and easy
17:01That's it. Let's slide it across
17:05You
17:08See that I am fully conversant in PowerPoint and Excel and I do speak intermediate Spanish
17:23Tim would you just go outside for a moment? Should I tell you just you?
17:36You
17:40Well, Tim
17:42Clearly there's been some kind of mix-up
17:45Oh, yeah
17:45Now I have to inform you that everything you've seen today falls strictly within the official secrets act and if breached will result in life
17:51Imprisonment you understand? Yes. Yes, you have put us in a very awkward position
17:59But luckily for you, I like awkward positions
18:03I
18:04Always have you read me? No terrific
18:08Now Tim, you've demonstrated skills today that we can definitely use
18:12So, what do you say pal?
18:14You want a job but doing what what do you think as an agent in Her Majesty's Secret Intelligence Service? Shut up
18:23No, Rick
18:25Any questions? Um, what does it what's the job involved? That's classified. Do I get stay in London classified, but I'll be working for you
18:32No, I got it classified. No, it isn't. No, okay. Only kidding that really is classified
18:38Could I think about it? No, not the way I roll but Tim if you do accept this job
18:45Your world would never be the same again
18:48People's lives will depend on you. Is that fun? Of course it is
18:54but it's also a burden a
18:56Burden that you cannot share with anyone and I mean
19:00anyone
19:01Well, what'd you say?
19:03I
19:28You did well today Caitlin welcome aboard
19:34I
19:45It's so beautiful, what are you wearing? I was just catching some rays. Have you shot it yet? No, can you shoot it?
19:51No, it's really dangerous. I'm sorry. Sorry. This is ridiculous. I went for a job in IT
19:56How could I be a government agent? Yeah, I'm amazed you don't have to keep that a secret
20:01You see how bad I'm gonna be at this, oh, can we shoot Marcus? No, it's Marcus damn it
20:12Sorry
20:20Don't tell anyone
20:30I
20:36I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Hey, okay. Mommy said you'd be late yet another reason why she loads you. Is that true?
20:43What do you think Phillips never late? Can we please not discuss Philip?
20:47No offense Philip Roger that
20:5123 minutes late make a note, please Philip. Sorry muchacho. Can we get in the car? I'm actually quite cold
21:01A good response time on me won't be long now Marcus
21:05Gilbert you call me. Yeah, stop saying that. I will never call you then for
21:14Ask me about the interview, how was the interview? It was good. Did you get the job? Yes, I did
21:20And what critical function will you be providing? Okay, you are not gonna believe this but your father is gonna be responsible
21:28for
21:31Copy and spreadsheets and
21:34Inputting random data. It must be thrilling to have finally fulfilled your potential
21:40It really is
22:00You