My stay-at-home dad husband will not keep the kids for an hour when I’m home because he says it’s not his responsibility to give me a break, so I checked out of our marriage. Plus all updates
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This story may be adapted for more entertainment.
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This story may be adapted for more entertainment.
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00My stay-at-home dad-husband will not keep the kids for an hour when I'm home because he says
00:03it's not his responsibility to give me a break, so I checked out of our marriage. I have a full-time
00:07job, usually working between 50 to 60 hours a week. My job is not stressful physically,
00:12but I'm a high-end manager, so I have a lot of responsibility on my shoulders,
00:16and it takes a toll on me. At the beginning of lockdown, my husband stopped working to
00:19care for our then 5-month-old and limit his exposure. At the time, we could make it work
00:24and knew it was a temporary struggle. When we became pregnant with our second in 2021,
00:28I told him I needed him to return to work. Since then, there has always been a reason why he could
00:32not, usually boiled down to the kids. He's miserable at home, and I've been begging him
00:36to go back to work, even if I need to change my working hours or work remotely more often than I
00:40do to accommodate a second-shift job for him, that it would help our financial situation and
00:44he'd feel better, but there is always a reason why he can't. I work a minimum of 50 hours a week in
00:48the office and probably 5-10 at home sporadically through night and weekends, but I do my very best
00:52to take some of the burden off of him when I get home. I immediately take over with the kids,
00:56we play, I make dinner, I handle the bedtime routine, and I get everyone up and fed before
01:01I return to work the next day. I'm not perfect by any means and have much to work on, but I try my
01:05best. A lot of weekends, James and the kids want to go out and do something as a family,
01:09and even though I am far too tired, I usually try to push through for the kids' sake. I battle
01:13severe depression, and I've been in a low lately that I believe is caused by burnout. Last weekend
01:18it was the anniversary of my mother's passing, and I was feeling a little extra emotional,
01:21I was at the end of my rope after work called me asking for help and both kids were throwing
01:25separate fits, I snapped, I told James that I just needed an hour, an hour where I'm not needed,
01:30not as an employee, mom, wife, anything, whether to play a video game or scroll my phone or take
01:35a shower where someone isn't, jumping in with me, all I asked for was an hour. James responded to
01:40me that it was not his responsibility to give me a break, and I needed to figure that out for
01:44myself. I was taken aback and a little offended by this, because I feel like a partnership we
01:48should be helping one another, and not figuring it out for ourselves, he responded with I'm trying
01:52to teach you, no one is just going to give you what you want. Later that evening, my grandmother
01:56called to reminisce about my mom, and I was crying, James then told me he hadn't realized what day it
02:01was and apologized, so I thought that was that. Fast forward to yesterday, I was called into work
02:05for an 11-hour shift on Saturday, so I got a one-day weekend, I wasn't in a much better headspace,
02:10and my tipping point started by asking James to go to the store to get diapers before the kids
02:14woke up he refused to get up putting the responsibility on me, and then proceeding to
02:17spend five hours non-stop sorting through his magic, the gathering collection. Sunday is usually
02:22our big cleaning day, and I was a bit fed up doing the cleaning and keeping the kids entertained
02:25alone. I know it is such a small thing but in my overstressed and depressed mindset, it was enough
02:30to snap a little. I once again asked for an hour, and he once again told me that wasn't his
02:34responsibility. I told him he was wrong this time, he then snapped back at me that he's always with
02:38the kids and he never gets a break. He called me selfish for asking, I told him about going through
02:42his cards for the entire day, and he said that's work and not a break. I then mentioned that every
02:46day when I get home, the kids are watching TV and he's playing video games. I have no idea how long
02:51he plays before I get home, but I know he continues until I have dinner ready. He said that isn't a
02:55break because he doesn't even like video games. I don't know what to do, I don't know if I'm being
03:00unreasonable. I feel crazy because I feel like I'm not asking too much. All I know is I'm so tired
03:04of feeling this way. Update, it hasn't gotten better, but I've come to a realization that I've
03:09been checked out for a while, and the fights and problems he and I have don't bother me like they
03:12used to. I have actual dreams about leaving him, and I want to. I, however, feel trapped. We have
03:18two cars, both in his name as gifts from his mother. I pay the insurance and tags on my car,
03:22a 2016 with 250k miles on it that he ran into the ground driving for Uber for two years before
03:27COVID, but I have absolutely refused to pay for his newer 2020 car that I begged his mother not
03:31to get because I knew I would be stuck with the payments. So both cars are technically his. When
03:35we bought our house, it was under a false promise, his mom offered to watch the kids when she retired
03:40so James could return to work. This did not happen. She also co-signed for the home with
03:44my husband so we could get a better rate. So I also have no ownership of our house. I don't have
03:48anywhere to go. My dad has a small basement I could rent, but it adds over 30 minutes to my
03:52commute and I do not know what I would do for child care. Other than being unhelpful, he has
03:56shoved me, been romantic with me while I slept, and constantly gaslighted me. I'm over it, but I feel
04:01stuck. I know it's unhealthy, but to cope, I'll usually have a couple, two to three, beers before
04:06bed, and he constantly berates me for being an alcoholic. There's probably more that I'm
04:10forgetting, but I'm just emotionally tired and unsure what to do. Update 2. I told him I wanted
04:15a divorce. I told him I was done. It obviously didn't go well, and he's trying his usual manipulative
04:20tactics of crying and taking steps to change, setting up a psychiatrist appointment to switch
04:24his medication, having a job interview lined up, etc. It is very hard and against my nature to not
04:29cave now that he's suddenly trying, but I'm staying strong. I'm reminding myself that this has
04:33happened before. I'm going to my dad's this weekend so he can see his grandkids, but he just
04:37got divorced a few months back, so I plan to talk to him about options and what I need to know. I'm
04:42scared as hell because I don't know what I'm going to do about the car, place to stay, kids, etc.
04:46But when I told him I thought him trying to have sexual relations with me while I slept because I
04:50couldn't say no was great, and he continued to do it anyway. Or when he went to a club with his
04:54friends and expected a pat on the back from me and all of my friends because he didn't get a blow
04:58from one of the girls. Or when he started nonchalantly telling people that he shoved me
05:01backward onto the couch or on the bed mid-argument to my friends like it was normal. These are the
05:05things I'm reminding myself to stay strong during. We live in a three-bedroom home,
05:09so I've made him move into the guest room while I get my ducks in a row.