The Three Badasses Who Want Me - Full Movie
The Three Badasses Who Want Me - Full Movie
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Ellen Musk, the only woman on the Forbes 30 under 30 list, arrives at Atlanta today.
00:00:12What a business tycoon is doing here in Georgia, a forgotten stage no one knows.
00:00:17Angela, my next door neighbor, still selling your hippie junk here?
00:00:21If your mother-in-law sees, she's going to throw a big fit again.
00:00:26Your mother-in-law was right about you.
00:00:29What's the point of watching the news all day about these moguls if you can't even apply it to your penniless self?
00:00:34And how do you know that this is none of my business?
00:00:38All right, everybody get out.
00:00:41We got an important guest coming.
00:00:45You.
00:00:50You deaf? I said pack up and scram.
00:00:53I paid the stall fee already, and if you want me to leave, then fine, but you have to compensate for today's losses.
00:01:00You want to say that again?
00:01:04You know who's visiting today?
00:01:06Ellen freaking Musk, one of the richest people in the world.
00:01:10Ellen Musk?
00:01:11Of course, a hick like you probably never heard of her.
00:01:14Just know that you can't afford to piss her off.
00:01:17Really?
00:01:18Ellen Musk is flying all the way to Atlanta just to come to some flea market?
00:01:23You don't think that she could be coming to see me?
00:01:29Coming to see you?
00:01:31All right, you know what? I'll play your game.
00:01:34If she does this so much as give you a glance, I'll eat dirt.
00:01:41Deal.
00:01:50Ellen Musk, get to the flea market within ten minutes, or else you're fired.
00:02:12Prepare the limo. Ms. Lockhart requires us immediately.
00:02:23Ah, your ten minutes is almost up.
00:02:26Good, hope you don't wet your pants.
00:02:28Five, four, three, two, one.
00:02:41Ellen, uh, I mean, Ms. Musk, uh, Ellen, uh, I mean, uh, I'm sorry that I, uh, sorry to frighten you.
00:02:50How's my boss bitch?
00:02:52Kickin' ass, girlfriend.
00:02:54So how do you, like...
00:02:57She's my boss?
00:02:59Eh, I prefer business partner or best friend.
00:03:04No way.
00:03:08Well?
00:03:13No, no, I'm sorry for offending your boss.
00:03:15No, I won't do it again.
00:03:19All right, that's enough.
00:03:21We're not tyrants here.
00:03:29Sir, I found Angela Lockhart.
00:03:37You mean Angela Lockhart, my runaway bride.
00:03:42You made me lose one million dollars in just one game of poker.
00:03:47Who are you?
00:03:50Where is she?
00:03:52Atlanta. And you were right, it was secretly her propping up Ellen Musk.
00:03:56My clever bride. I will chase you to the end of the world if I have to.
00:04:04Max, prep the jet. I'm heading to Atlanta.
00:04:12Dr. Wilson, Benning Sterling's on the move. He's headed to Atlanta.
00:04:15Atlanta? The game is afoot. I'm going.
00:04:19Wait, Dr. Wilson, the Prince of Bhutan needs your medical attention.
00:04:22He can wait. I need to pick up my bride.
00:04:28Dr. Wilson!
00:04:35General Eisenhower reporting, sir!
00:04:38Benning Sterling and Shane Wilson are headed to Atlanta.
00:04:41Atlanta!
00:04:43Where is that?
00:04:45Whatever, prepare my war plate!
00:04:47Don't sue going after my fiancee.
00:04:50This is war.
00:04:56No!
00:05:07I've secretly allowed your husband, Jared Cooper, to win the bid on the Maple Plaza project like you asked me to.
00:05:13Thank you so much, Ellen. This is going to be the best anniversary gift ever.
00:05:18That project is worth billions. He can finally take his company public.
00:05:22But Angela, my boss, I don't understand why you do so much for him behind the scenes without ever revealing your true identity.
00:05:32Without your backing, no offense, but he's nothing without you.
00:05:37Well, three years ago...
00:05:53You saved me.
00:06:05He saved me, and I fell in love with him instantly.
00:06:09I didn't want to reveal my true identity because I didn't want him to feel the pressure of being with a billionaire heiress.
00:06:15But now, with this contract, I feel like we'll be on more equal footing and then I can finally come out to the public.
00:06:22So that's why you have me secretly helping him.
00:06:26I'm sure he'll be moved when he finds out.
00:06:30But why work at the flea market?
00:06:33Are you disguising yourself to test him?
00:06:37Well, these exotic spices are incredibly rare and cost a fortune to find.
00:06:42Plus, I get to make the best dishes for my hubby and his mom.
00:06:46You seem happy being a housewife.
00:06:52Where the hell are you? Don't tell me you were selling junk at the flea market again.
00:06:57Get home stacked. It's a big day today.
00:07:01That was...
00:07:03My mother-in-law, Carol, she judges me because she thinks I come from a lower-class family.
00:07:09But she's going to be ecstatic tonight when I finally come out and tell her who I really am.
00:07:15You know, she even remembered our 30-year anniversary.
00:07:23Please spend more time with my son.
00:07:27Hi, I'm home. I have a big announcement I have to make.
00:07:31Finally, you're back. Now sign the divorce papers.
00:07:36Divorce papers?
00:07:39Is this some sort of misunderstanding, Mom?
00:07:43God, don't call me Mom again. We're ending that relationship.
00:07:48Just look at you. Dirt all over.
00:07:51You're selling the title of Mrs. Cooper.
00:07:54You don't deserve my son. You're way below his league.
00:07:58I'm below his league?
00:08:00That's right. You are.
00:08:03Jared is signing a hundred billion dollar contract tomorrow with the Ellen Musk.
00:08:09And then his company's going public.
00:08:12That's how much he's accomplished in three years.
00:08:14But you? You're still just a stinky hippie peddler.
00:08:20Jared's like the king in the clouds. And you...
00:08:24You will always just be a pawn.
00:08:28Like dirt on our shoes.
00:08:32Dirt on your shoes?
00:08:35But Ellen Musk works for me.
00:08:38You're delusional. You will never upgrade to a queen.
00:08:42How dare you compare yourself to the real deal here.
00:08:47Resorting to lies is definitely not good enough for Jared.
00:08:52And who are you to come into my house and meddle with my family matters?
00:08:59You're nothing but a pathetic excuse for a wife.
00:09:04Jared deserves a queen like Kaylee.
00:09:07Not a lowlife dirtbag.
00:09:09Enough!
00:09:11Jared, I knew you wouldn't divorce me.
00:09:15But I am.
00:09:17Don't fight it, Angela.
00:09:19Here's 500K.
00:09:21You'll never make this much as a hippie peddler selling spices.
00:09:25Now sign the papers, take your check, and leave.
00:09:28Don't embarrass yourself further.
00:09:32I've done so much for you these past three years.
00:09:36Did that not mean anything to you?
00:09:39Didn't expect you to be so greedy.
00:09:42Fine. Here's another 200,000.
00:09:46500,000 is too much for her already.
00:09:49She's done nothing.
00:09:51Hasn't even contributed a grandchild.
00:09:54She just sells cheap grass all day.
00:09:57Is that really how much I'm worth to all of you?
00:10:01I took care of both of you these past three years.
00:10:05You think we can't just hire a maid to cook for us or something?
00:10:10And she wouldn't embarrass us with that permanent stench?
00:10:14A hippie peddler becoming the wife of a CEO?
00:10:18What a joke.
00:10:20If you actually love my son, you'll sign the damn divorce papers already.
00:10:25And leave!
00:10:29You really think that Jared would have gotten that Maple Plaza bid without me?
00:10:33Let alone taking the company public?
00:10:36I did everything for you, Jared.
00:10:39Now you take credit for my son's success?
00:10:46It's all my work.
00:10:50Baby, we're going to be late for the auction if we keep letting this psycho stall us.
00:10:58You did say you would win me Princess Diana's tiara, didn't you?
00:11:03So, she's the reason for the divorce.
00:11:07She's worth more than you, Angela.
00:11:11Fine. I'll sign it.
00:11:15But don't regret it.
00:11:18Regret?
00:11:20Do I know who I am?
00:11:22Yeah, a cockroach that only knows how to crawl her way into a married man's bed?
00:11:26I'm Eric Vanderbilt's only daughter.
00:11:30Jared winning the bid on Maple Plaza was because of my dad.
00:11:35Because he's business partners with Elon Musk.
00:11:39It's part of the power that I have as an elite.
00:11:43You can't do shit because you're poor.
00:11:47Social stratum matters.
00:11:49Yeah, social stratum does matter.
00:11:53And the Coopers are beneath me.
00:11:56And you really think Elon Musk would come to Atlanta if it weren't for me?
00:12:01Ha! You're delusional.
00:12:04Now sign the papers and scram!
00:12:10You owe me.
00:12:12You dirty bitch. You sicken me.
00:12:18You hit me.
00:12:22Now sign the papers, take a check, and get the fuck out!
00:12:42I don't need your penny money.
00:12:47We're finished.
00:12:49You don't want the money? That's your loss.
00:12:52Your check is just pennies to me.
00:12:55But I would like my ring back.
00:13:06Have fun on your economy flight while I catch a ride on my private helicopter out of here.
00:13:17And I'm way out of your league.
00:13:24Isn't that the Winston Blue Diamond Ring?
00:13:28It's worth tens of millions of dollars.
00:13:32Oh, it's probably just cheap glass.
00:13:35Something she found at the flea market.
00:13:37You're right. She could never afford anything so expensive.
00:13:43Congrats, Jared Boo Boo. I'm getting rid of that dirt bag.
00:13:48Oh! My dad says there's going to be a secret big shot financial tycoon at tomorrow's summit.
00:13:55Bigger big shot than Elon Musk?
00:13:58Yeah. And nobody's met them, but I can introduce you.
00:14:02Everything's thanks to you, babe.
00:14:13Angela, Mr. Vanderbilt, the richest man in Georgia, wants to schedule a meeting before the bidding.
00:14:18Vanderbilt?
00:14:19Yeah. He's actually CEO of one of our companies. Basically, our employee.
00:14:23Okay. I'll meet him at the summit tomorrow. It's fine.
00:14:26You're still going to the summit tomorrow? But you and Jared Cooper are already divorced.
00:14:30That's exactly why I'm going.
00:14:35Angela Lockhart.
00:14:38I'm sorry, I'm late.
00:14:41You were supposed to be in the office.
00:14:43That's my plan.
00:14:45I have to go, but I have a meeting with my mom.
00:14:48I'm sorry, I'm late.
00:14:51I have a meeting with my mom.
00:14:53I'm sorry, I have to go, but I have a meeting with my mom.
00:14:55I have a meeting with my mom.
00:14:57I don't know what's going on.
00:14:59Angela Lockhart, I finally found you.
00:15:07Who is he?
00:15:09That, that's Devon Sterling.
00:15:12He's number one on Forbes 30 under 30 list, an early investor of crypto, CEO of Sterling Enterprises.
00:15:18Rumor has it he's worth trillions.
00:15:21And he's your fiancé.
00:15:24What? What? My fiancé?
00:15:28The one and only.
00:15:31So, after running away and leaving me single for three years,
00:15:36have you figured out how you're going to make it up to me yet?
00:15:39Babe?
00:15:48That tiara looks perfect on you.
00:15:54What is she doing here?
00:15:59You skank. My son just divorced you yesterday and you're already hooking up with another man?
00:16:05Divorced?
00:16:07That's right. So, I guess this was never meant to be, Mr...
00:16:13Sterling. Devon Sterling.
00:16:17So she has to hide her marital status to find another man.
00:16:21Guess she's not just a forsaken woman, she's also a stinky penniless whore.
00:16:29How dare you insult my boss like that.
00:16:32Who the fuck are you, bitch?
00:16:35Do you know who I am?
00:16:38They don't know who you are.
00:16:41You hide it well.
00:16:43X-Team! Teach these fools a lesson.
00:16:48Teach these fools a lesson.
00:16:52Sir, you were kind of in a rush when you flew to Atlanta and then to New York.
00:16:58You forgot to bring the security team.
00:17:05Mind if I borrow your men?
00:17:08Go ahead.
00:17:12Toss these ill-mannered apes out.
00:17:15Oh, you bitch. I'll have my son teach you a real lesson.
00:17:21Oh, please.
00:17:25A kiss as a reward, my lady.
00:17:29No.
00:17:37Guest list is very distinguished tonight.
00:17:40You've got Bill Ford, Harvey Buffett, old money like me.
00:17:45Gentlemen, Harvey, Bill, this is Jared Cooper.
00:17:48Pleased to meet you all.
00:17:49Your families all started empires after the Industrial Revolution. What an honor.
00:17:54I heard you secured the Maple Plaza project.
00:17:57It's worth billions of dollars. Congrats. You'll be next.
00:18:01Thank you. But we haven't received the contract yet. We deserve it.
00:18:05Oh, that's nothing. I introduced this kid to Ellen Musk.
00:18:08Vanderbilts and Miss Musk have always had a good relationship.
00:18:11So, thought I'd help the kid out, pull a few strings.
00:18:15Thank you, Mr. Vanderbilt.
00:18:17Now, we just have to impress Miss Musk's special guest of honor.
00:18:21Yes. I heard they're a very important and powerful guest.
00:18:26Even wealthier than Ellen Musk.
00:18:29Now, if we can just secure a position with this big shot, we can feast for generations.
00:18:38I'll do my best.
00:18:44Excuse me.
00:18:45Yes, Angela.
00:18:47What if it's the Prince of Bhutan?
00:18:51How did a hobo like you sneak in here?
00:18:54Me? A hobo? How did a cheating scumbag like you sneak in here?
00:18:59You sleep your way in?
00:19:00I told you, Angela Lockhart, don't bother stalking me.
00:19:03Nothing will come of it, and it only sickens me further.
00:19:06Don't flatter yourself.
00:19:11This is your ex-husband?
00:19:15Were you blindfolded when you married him?
00:19:17Who the hell is this?
00:19:19You were cheating on me?
00:19:32Son, you have to avenge me and Kaylee.
00:19:35That wicked ex-wife of yours hired some thugs and a gigolo to beat us up.
00:19:41They even took Kaylee's tiara.
00:19:45What?
00:19:55You dare hurt my mom and Kaylee?
00:20:00Get your hands off of her!
00:20:06My lady.
00:20:15My lady.
00:20:22My queen.
00:20:33It's...
00:20:35It's him!
00:20:37He scammed a million dollars off me in a game of poker yesterday.
00:20:40Who are these peasants?
00:20:42These seats are reserved for thee, Ellen Musk, and her special guest.
00:20:46Oh, shut up, old man.
00:20:49You're disturbing the peace.
00:20:53Fuckers, you know who that is?
00:20:55That's Eric Vanderbilt.
00:20:57You have any idea how many generations of wealth he has?
00:21:00His ancestors built the railway and steamship empire of America.
00:21:04This civil war would not have been won without his family's involvement.
00:21:07Vanderbilt.
00:21:09The father of that skank, Kaylee Vanderbilt,
00:21:14who only knows how to crawl her way into a married man's bed.
00:21:18That lonely Vanderbilt family?
00:21:27Oh, goddammit.
00:21:29A stomachache now?
00:21:34Whatever.
00:21:35Angela can handle herself. She'll be fine.
00:21:39She'll be fine.
00:21:50How dare you call one of us low?
00:21:53I'm Harley F. N. Buffett,
00:21:55the most important investor in the entire stock market.
00:21:59I can wipe you out with a simple pinky only.
00:22:03And I can wipe you out with just a strand of my hair.
00:22:07Not with me around.
00:22:09I, Bill Ford, and the entire Ford Auto Empire stand with these gentlemen.
00:22:14You're all just peasants compared to who I really am.
00:22:19You're fucking delusional, Angela.
00:22:21We've had enough of your games.
00:22:23Security, break their limbs and toss them out.
00:22:27Looks like the old guard is teaming up against you.
00:22:30But don't worry, you got new money.
00:22:34I can handle myself, thank you.
00:22:37Yes, my queen.
00:22:39You're all despicable.
00:22:42An insult to your family names.
00:22:47Now, it's my turn to rule.
00:22:50Destroy Jared Cooper.
00:22:53Cut off all business ties.
00:22:56And if you don't,
00:22:59I will take away all of your family's wealth and power.
00:23:03Ha! I knew it.
00:23:05You're here to fuck with me.
00:23:07You can't fool anyone here.
00:23:09How much money did you spend on that get-up
00:23:11to hire that gigolo to make me jealous?
00:23:13You're an orphan who sells hippie spices at a flea market.
00:23:17You have nothing.
00:23:19And you will always be nothing.
00:23:21She's a gold digger.
00:23:24Gold digger?
00:23:25Gigolo.
00:23:27Want to try me for a night?
00:23:30Yeah, you're a little too pricey.
00:23:32Mr. Vanderbilt, we really shouldn't keep these bandits here any longer.
00:23:35They might upset Miss Ellen Musk and her special guest.
00:23:38Angela Lockhart is my spurned ex-wife.
00:23:40She's only here to try and ruin my bill in the Maple Plaza project.
00:23:43Oh, I'm gonna kill that sushi chef.
00:23:45Security!
00:23:51Security!
00:23:53You all don't realize that you actually all work for me.
00:23:56And now you're trying to throw a coup?
00:23:58You!
00:24:00Insolent fools.
00:24:02Let me guess.
00:24:04You're that special guest?
00:24:06I don't know.
00:24:08Throw them out!
00:24:10And not without some broken bones, too.
00:24:18Oh, you back down ass.
00:24:23I got this.
00:24:25I got this.
00:24:52What the hell are you two doing here?
00:24:54I thought we were supposed to guard you.
00:24:56No, you're supposed to make sure Miss Lockhart is okay.
00:24:59Oh my god, we're so screwed.
00:25:10Angela!
00:25:12Don't hurt her.
00:25:14You bitch. I've always been sick of you.
00:25:16You just threw yourself at me.
00:25:18How dare you insult my boss like that.
00:25:20Boss?
00:25:21Did she say her boss?
00:25:23That's Musk.
00:25:24That's Ellen Musk.
00:25:26That woman right there is Angela Lockhart.
00:25:28My boss and sole heiress to the Henry Lockhart's fortune.
00:25:32Their lineage is older than this country itself.
00:25:35Past the American Revolution?
00:25:37Back to the Renaissance.
00:25:39If she's your boss, then that means Angela Lockhart is...
00:25:42That's Lady Lockhart to you. She's royalty.
00:25:45And since you're all subsidiaries, she's your boss's boss.
00:25:49What the hell did you do?
00:25:52Oh, your majesty.
00:25:55Welcome to the United States.
00:25:58We've always been your loyal subjects.
00:26:01Yes, your highness.
00:26:03Is it a queen or princess?
00:26:05It doesn't matter.
00:26:07My queen, please forgive our insolence.
00:26:10Yes, we didn't mean to offend.
00:26:13What are you doing, you idiot?
00:26:15Let go of the boss lady and beg for forgiveness.
00:26:22What rightfully belongs to you.
00:26:44She's a badass herself.
00:26:46He missed out on a good wife.
00:26:48He missed out on a good wife.
00:26:50You, you, you told me your wife was a hippie peddler.
00:26:54Turns out you were the freeloading scumbag this entire time.
00:26:57No, no, don't believe their lies. I worked hard for everything.
00:27:00You worked for everything?
00:27:07Hi, Henry.
00:27:09So, our 30th anniversary is coming up,
00:27:12and I thought that maybe we can do something special this year.
00:27:15I can't focus on anything trivial like that.
00:27:17I have to figure out this bid for the Maple Plaza project,
00:27:20and if I get it, I can take the company public.
00:27:30You were nothing before me.
00:27:33All your achievements, all your glory,
00:27:36that's all mine, including the Maple Plaza contract.
00:27:41I can take all of that away.
00:27:44Just like that.
00:27:46No, you can't take that away from me.
00:27:48That's why Ellen Musk was urging us to pass on deals to this nobody.
00:27:52Oh, and this antique wedding ring?
00:27:55Yeah, I forgot to tell you.
00:27:57It was Queen Victoria's,
00:27:59and its worth is equivalent to more than an entire country's GDP.
00:28:08No, I gave you back the ring.
00:28:11I gave you back the ring?
00:28:13I divorced a royal heiress?
00:28:15No! No, please, no!
00:28:18No, please take me back, baby!
00:28:20I still love you!
00:28:25Oh, man, looks like they've started the party without us.
00:28:28No one's allowed to start a fight without Cole Eisenhower.
00:28:37God, these two again.
00:28:39Is he Cole Eisenhower?
00:28:41President Eisenhower's descendant.
00:28:43After General Eisenhower won World War II,
00:28:45each of his descendants have all gone on to become five-star generals,
00:28:48the highest rank in the nation's military.
00:28:50Bloody buffoons know your history.
00:28:52Sorry I'm late, babe. I got lost trying to find Atlanta.
00:28:55Then lost again on my way back to New York.
00:29:02And that there is, that is the legendary boy genius, Dr. Wilson.
00:29:07He's Dr. House's protege.
00:29:09Dr. House? I thought that was just a TV show.
00:29:12Oh, no, that's based on a real figure.
00:29:14Yep, that's me. Son of James House.
00:29:17Dr. House? He's practically my uncle.
00:29:20I correctly diagnosed the Pope before him when I was just 12 years old.
00:29:23So he's been off carrying himself a waterfall somewhere in the Netherlands for the last 14 months.
00:29:29And I'm late because I ran out of gum and had to make a pit stop.
00:29:37Hey, Ellen, who are these weirdos and why are they here?
00:29:41Uh, they're all your fiancés.
00:29:44What? Fiancés?
00:29:49Plural?
00:29:50Fiancés.
00:29:51Plural?
00:29:53Watch it, nerds. I'm her fiancé.
00:29:56No, I'm her fiancé.
00:29:57You can both shut up. I'm her fiancé.
00:30:00It's you.
00:30:01It's me.
00:30:02Who the hell is he?
00:30:03I'm Spider-Man.
00:30:06How are all three of these men my fiancés?
00:30:11Your father had arranged these engagements years ago, but I didn't tell you because he decided to marry Jared Cooper at the time.
00:30:18He has three badass fiancés and she marries his dumb ass.
00:30:25Whatever.
00:30:26Since you're all here, help me finish them.
00:30:31Since you're all here, help me finish them.
00:30:36At your service.
00:30:38Me too.
00:30:44One down, two more to go.
00:30:46She's become queen.
00:30:47Bishop to G4.
00:30:52Ow! Ow! Ow! What is that?
00:30:56The most German festin' water in the Nile River.
00:31:02Rook to A8.
00:31:06Hello?
00:31:11I thought I was king.
00:31:12No, you wish. The king doesn't do anything, so Alan can be my king.
00:31:17Oh, fine.
00:31:22Bankrupt to four. It's right this second.
00:31:29I... I've been bankrupt.
00:31:33No!
00:31:41I've been bankrupt. No!
00:31:44I told you I would remove all of you from status and power if you didn't cooperate.
00:31:49Well, guess what? Game over.
00:31:51All right, boys. Let's figure out this four-way engagement.
00:31:55Oh, that's serious business.
00:31:57I'm right with you.
00:32:00Wait for me. Nobody beats me to the finish line.
00:32:12Angela!
00:32:15You already have three fiancées?
00:32:18You can't accuse me of cheating.
00:32:20I want compensation.
00:32:25You greedy SOB.
00:32:27Who the fuck is that?
00:32:28My ex-husband.
00:32:29Wait, you were married?
00:32:31Yeah, and if that's a problem for you, then you can totally back out of this engagement.
00:32:36More for me? No, no, of course not. Just...
00:32:40Do you want me to check your eyes for you?
00:32:42Don't steal my joke. I can make him disappear without a trace.
00:32:46All evidence of your past with him will be gone.
00:32:49What? Is there something on my face?
00:32:51Uh, yeah. Murderous intent.
00:32:54Let's remarry.
00:32:56Let's remarry.
00:32:58You still don't realize.
00:33:01I only fell in love with you because you saved me from drowning three years ago.
00:33:26Sir, it's an emergency. We need to wreck right away.
00:33:35Nicole Eisenhower and Shane Wilson are causing mayhem at the company warehouse.
00:33:39Okay, I'm on my way.
00:33:43She should be okay now.
00:33:48Hey, you! Watch over here. I'll be right back.
00:33:57You saved me.
00:34:04Fuck. I unwittingly gave away my own wife.
00:34:09Fuck. I unwittingly gave away my own wife.
00:34:12You've cheated on me, you've hit me, and you've insulted me.
00:34:17And after all that, I never want to see you again.
00:34:21I fucking hate you.
00:34:23Lady Lockhart.
00:34:25God, what now?
00:34:27Yes, we understand that you are a very busy person,
00:34:32but if you're not going to give your ex-husband the Maple Plaza project...
00:34:36How about us three?
00:34:37Yes, unlike that scumbag, we won't turn on you.
00:34:40Yeah, no. You're all fired for trying to throw a coup.
00:34:46This is your fault, you doofus. We never should have believed your bullshit.
00:34:50No, no. We can't lose our positions with Ellen Musk and the Lockharts.
00:34:57Our family.
00:34:59I'll get you for this.
00:35:06Hey, I never should have listened to you.
00:35:08I'm ruined because of you.
00:35:21So, what's the situation here?
00:35:25I don't want to marry you.
00:35:35I don't want to marry you.
00:35:38Listen, I only met you guys a few hours ago,
00:35:42and I'm not interested in flash marriages.
00:35:45But what if I told you?
00:35:48What if I told you that we've known each other for much longer than just a few hours?
00:35:54Much longer.
00:35:58Angela, your parents would like to have a video call with all of you.
00:36:06My lovely princess, how are you?
00:36:09Look, your mother and I are in Italy.
00:36:11The views here are absolutely stunning.
00:36:14Perfect for a wedding, wouldn't you say?
00:36:16I heard you finally divorced that good-for-nothing, blood-sucking, freeloader husband of yours.
00:36:24Can't call his name, but anyway, congratulations!
00:36:28I've selected three prime young men for you to choose from to replace him.
00:36:34You must pick one of them to marry. Otherwise...
00:36:37Let me do it.
00:36:39You must choose one of them in seven days.
00:36:42Otherwise, we'll kill ourselves.
00:36:46Mom!
00:36:48Alright honey, that's it.
00:36:50Bye! Bye!
00:36:55So, who are you going to choose?
00:37:00Well, what if I want all three of you?
00:37:05Well, what if I want all three of you?
00:37:10That seems greedy.
00:37:17But, I can always remove the other two options.
00:37:22Hey, I may be a doctor, but I can take lives too.
00:37:26I know and have access to all the deadliest poisons in the world.
00:37:31Whoa, okay, no murder please, I was just kidding.
00:37:37You have seven days to win her over.
00:37:39Ooh, it's like The Bachelorette.
00:37:42I know, we'll start with challenge one.
00:37:46Welcome to the show, The Three Badasses Who Want Me.
00:37:50Today, we have our first challenge.
00:37:55What is all of this, Ellen?
00:37:58You'll see.
00:38:07Oh my god, oh my god, cockroaches!
00:38:10All women are afraid of cockroaches.
00:38:13And it is every man's job to save their beloved woman from this monstrosity of a creature.
00:38:19What will our three candidates do to prove their undying love for our single, but screaming her head off heiress?
00:38:34Looks like one of our contestants has already called it quits.
00:38:37It's up to the final two.
00:38:44Whoa!
00:38:51Whoa!
00:39:02Crunchy.
00:39:04That is sick cold.
00:39:06Hey, when you're stranded in the middle of the battlefield, you'll be glad to see one of these around.
00:39:11There are two more left.
00:39:13Want to try one?
00:39:14Oh my god, no, no.
00:39:17Oh my god, save me.
00:39:19Save you? You're going to save me.
00:39:24I'm a German folk doctor.
00:39:26These hands can't get germs on them.
00:39:28They're for surgery and saving lives.
00:39:40Whoa!
00:39:44Thank god you're here.
00:39:48Are you alright, honey?
00:39:50Angela!
00:39:54Alright, you won the first challenge, so your reward, you get to watch over her for the night.
00:40:00Just don't cross the line, if you know what I mean.
00:40:03I'm not her scumbag husband. You have nothing to worry about.
00:40:11Honestly, even if you guys fuck, it's not like it's against the rules or anything.
00:40:14At least my girlfriend gets some.
00:40:16I bet her husband has a small dick anyway.
00:40:21The cockroaches!
00:40:22They're gone, they're gone.
00:40:24There's nothing in this room except you and me, okay?
00:40:27I'm going to kill Ellen when I see her tomorrow.
00:40:34I need a drink.
00:40:41Whoa, easy! You're on an empty stomach.
00:40:44Oh, why do you care?
00:40:47Are you trying to drink away your sorrows, Angela?
00:40:52You guys were right.
00:40:54I was blind from marrying that asshole.
00:40:57You know, I wasted three whole years of my life with him.
00:41:03He never even loved me.
00:41:05And I gave up my entire career for him.
00:41:09Do you really think that you would still be number one on the Forbes 30 under 30 list if I was around?
00:41:17You may not be number one on Forbes list, but you know what you're number one in?
00:41:22What?
00:41:26You're number one here.
00:41:30You know, we've known each other kind of a long time.
00:41:33Lies.
00:41:36You all just want something from me.
00:41:44Angela, I know it's hard to trust again.
00:41:49But I assure you, I will never let you down.
00:41:54I know it's hard to trust again.
00:41:57But I assure you, I don't care what family you're from.
00:42:03I'm the richest man in the nation.
00:42:05I don't need your power, your status, your wealth, your connections.
00:42:12I just need you.
00:42:16I'll prove my love to you within six days, I promise.
00:42:25Okay.
00:42:31Screw the contest. I just want love.
00:42:36Angela, you're drunk.
00:42:39I'm an adult. Can't a girl just get what she wants?
00:42:43It's okay.
00:42:49But love and sex aren't exactly the same thing.
00:42:52Well, they're not mutually exclusive either.
00:43:04If this is what you want.
00:43:22Nine-inch penis.
00:43:24Morning to you, too.
00:43:26You sure you were drunk last night? You wouldn't...
00:43:29A girl remembers when she's had a nine-inch penis inside of her.
00:43:35Well, glad you enjoyed it.
00:43:38But don't tell Shane or Cole.
00:43:41Because then they would...
00:43:44They would...
00:43:47But don't tell Shane or Cole.
00:43:50Because then they would...
00:43:52Say that you were being unfair?
00:43:54Technically, us having sex doesn't break any rules.
00:43:57I won the first challenge, and according to Ellen,
00:44:00my prize was to spend a night with you anyways.
00:44:04Don't make this any harder than it already is.
00:44:10Are you sure you don't want it pretty hard?
00:44:14Stop.
00:44:17Fine, fine, fine.
00:44:21I won't tell.
00:44:23But only on one condition.
00:44:27I won't tell.
00:44:29But only on one condition.
00:44:32You have to go out on a date with me.
00:44:35Fine.
00:44:38I've had a crush on you since college, Angela.
00:44:42You never noticed me.
00:44:47You should get dressed and get out of here before anyone sees you.
00:44:53It's only 7 a.m. She's still sleeping.
00:44:56I'm not sleeping alone.
00:44:58Yeah, I'm not letting my fiancé be alone with another man for another second.
00:45:03Morning, gentlemen.
00:45:05Morning, gentlemen. Oh, or shall I say ruffmen?
00:45:08Oh, don't mind him.
00:45:11What's up, guys?
00:45:13We're ready for the second challenge.
00:45:15No cockroaches this time.
00:45:17Yes, no more terrifying things. That was my bad, Angela.
00:45:20This better be a good challenge, Ellen.
00:45:22I'm sure you'll all enjoy this one.
00:45:24The second challenge is...
00:45:26The second challenge is...
00:45:28A date.
00:45:30Lane, I should have asked for something else.
00:45:32A date? That's it.
00:45:34What's the catch?
00:45:36No catch. Just who Ms. Lockhart enjoys spending her time with the most.
00:45:39As simple as that.
00:45:41I know what I want to do. Let's start with me first.
00:45:43Okay, who's up first? Then...
00:45:45Me. Save the best for last.
00:45:48Ain't that right, Angela?
00:45:50Then it's decided.
00:45:54Please don't take my BMW away.
00:45:57Too bad. You pissed off the Lockharts.
00:46:01I have nothing left.
00:46:11It's that bitch who ruined me.
00:46:16It's that bitch who ruined me.
00:46:26General Eisenhower, sir!
00:46:28At ease, Lieutenant.
00:46:30This is my lieutenant. He also manages this boxing gym.
00:46:33Pleasure to meet you, Madam Eisenhower.
00:46:35He's so serious. But hang on.
00:46:38Lieutenant, I don't know who I'm going to marry yet.
00:46:41Baby, I decided to take you here on our first date so that I can introduce you to my guns.
00:46:46Guns? Like murder weapons?
00:46:49Yes. Murder weapons.
00:47:00I like my guns, babe.
00:47:02Pretty rock hard.
00:47:04Yeah.
00:47:05Let me show you what I can do with them.
00:47:07Lieutenant! Come close!
00:47:10Wait! You're just going to hit him like that? He's not even going to fight back?
00:47:14Fighting back would be treason, ma'am!
00:47:16Treason? You guys are way too serious.
00:47:19I'm sorry.
00:47:21I'm sorry.
00:47:23I'm sorry.
00:47:25I'm sorry.
00:47:27I'm sorry.
00:47:30Look, you rock hard bitch! I caught you!
00:47:32If I'm going down, you're all going down with me!
00:47:35Lieutenant, here's your attack!
00:47:49You dare try to hurt my wife?
00:47:54I will make you pay!
00:47:57You don't need to keep beating him up. We could just take him to the cops.
00:48:01Not when he tries to hurt you!
00:48:09Zoe's a bit violent. Some might call it being protective.
00:48:12Poor anger issues.
00:48:14What if we get married and I forget to use a coaster on an antique table or something?
00:48:19Is he going to be, like, rough?
00:48:22Hey, some girls are into that.
00:48:24I don't know if I am.
00:48:27Well, maybe Shane will be your type.
00:48:32Your date with Shane starts now.
00:48:37Hey.
00:48:39Hey.
00:48:40Cool ride.
00:48:42A gift from the Chancellor of Germany when I saved his wife.
00:48:45Impressive.
00:48:49Your breath smells like peppermint.
00:48:52Refreshing.
00:48:54I got cool mint, too.
00:48:56Or do you prefer spearmint?
00:48:59What do you not have in this coat of yours?
00:49:02Fruit flavored gum. I can't stand those.
00:49:05So, where are you taking me, Shane?
00:49:07Let me show you.
00:49:15Dr. Wilson!
00:49:17I'm VIP of VIPs!
00:49:19Right this way.
00:49:20VIP of VIPs?
00:49:22Ah, just some other guy I saved. I forget who.
00:49:25You saved a lot of people.
00:49:27I do what I can.
00:49:29Oh, my gosh.
00:49:31It's my gold-digging neighbor who just got dumped by her husband.
00:49:36Sandra Miller, what are you doing here? I just thought this was for the VIP of VIPs.
00:49:41Your mother-in-law told me all about the divorce and how you hired some gigolo to beat her and Kaylee Vanderbilt up.
00:49:48Hello, of you.
00:49:50What are you doing here, Sandra?
00:49:52Of course your bird-brain wouldn't remember.
00:49:54I sell high-fashion jewelry pieces so high-end, you couldn't even afford even a few soldier organs.
00:50:01The auction begins.
00:50:03I'll deal with you later.
00:50:06Here, I'll just be right inside.
00:50:12Cameron, I have a task for you.
00:50:18Our next piece is absolutely extraordinary.
00:50:21Cleopatra's armband, sold by our vendor, Sandra Miller, for five million dollars.
00:50:30Excuse me, I'd like to donate this piece to auction.
00:50:34It's Queen Victoria's ring.
00:50:37I'd like to donate this piece to auction.
00:50:39It's Queen Victoria's ring.
00:50:41What are you doing?
00:50:43Just watch.
00:50:48Just watch.
00:50:50That is Queen Victoria's ring?
00:50:52Please, I'm an expert and that's a fake.
00:50:55She probably got it at the flea market she works at.
00:50:58You work at a flea market?
00:51:00Not this again.
00:51:01Cut the bullshit, that wouldn't even sell for five dollars.
00:51:04Oh yeah? Here, you want it? For free.
00:51:07Ew, I don't want that trash from a stinky hippie peddler.
00:51:12Well, that's too bad then, because you are the fraud.
00:51:17What are you talking about? And who the hell are you to accuse me?
00:51:21Throw them out!
00:51:23Dr. Wilson, I know you're a legend in medicine, but we're professionals.
00:51:28Oh yeah? And that armband sells for five million dollars?
00:51:32Yeah, mine is the real thing.
00:51:35You two are just upset because you're too poor to afford our luxury items.
00:51:40Why is that so?
00:51:41What if a so-called expert failed to recognize Queen Victoria's ring then?
00:51:45Dear Lord, this is real. It's authentic. It's Queen Victoria's ring.
00:51:57Karen, what have you found?
00:51:59Yeah, that picture of Cleopatra's armband you sent me? It's a replica.
00:52:05They had the same one right here at the flea market.
00:52:08So, you are the fraud. You just went to the flea market so you can buy some fakes.
00:52:15And Cameron, how much are these fakes being sold for?
00:52:19One-fifty.
00:52:21Wow, not even five dollars. Sandra.
00:52:25You've been duping us the whole time? Arrest her!
00:52:30No! Please! This is my time! Please!
00:52:34What's going on, Dr. Wilson?
00:52:37Uh, investigating lead poisoning from cheap jewelry for the Emperor of Japan. Bye.
00:52:41Blacklist her from the jewelry industry forever.
00:52:53I had a really great time tonight.
00:52:55Me too. May I have a kiss?
00:53:06What?
00:53:14Something wrong?
00:53:16Do you always have gum in your mouth?
00:53:23Yep. You never have to worry about stinky breath from me.
00:53:36You owe us a bunch of money, Cooper.
00:53:40I don't have any money.
00:53:42How did you pay for this hotel then?
00:53:45I guess you'll only pay up if I break your other leg.
00:53:56Mr. Vanderbilt.
00:54:00Mr. Buffett.
00:54:03This is the contract for the Maple Plaza project.
00:54:07That's right. Miss Musk wanted me to give it to you.
00:54:10I knew Angelo was still in love with me.
00:54:13I knew Angelo was still in love with me.
00:54:16No, no. Sorry about those injuries from earlier. It was all just a little misunderstanding.
00:54:22Yeah, we could be partners again.
00:54:25And then maybe you can tell Lady Lockhart to put in a good word for us?
00:54:31Angela still loves me. She's just throwing a fit.
00:54:34She'll be back to me soon enough.
00:54:36Yeah. Do you need any help winning her back?
00:54:38We can give you jewelry to give to her.
00:54:41I was just sucking up to these pricks a few days ago, and now they're all begging me to help them out.
00:54:47It feels so damn good to be in power.
00:54:50Sure. I'll put in a good word for you.
00:54:54I just need...
00:54:55Anything. You tell us, we'll give you anything.
00:54:58After I take everything from these idiots, I'll go after Angela Lockhart for my revenge.
00:55:10I'm giving the contract to Jared Cooper, just like you asked me to.
00:55:13Well done. He'll be fucked soon.
00:55:17Well done. He'll be fucked soon.
00:55:19I don't get it, Miss Musk.
00:55:21That contract has a preliminary clause. It requires him to pay 50% of the costs up front as a deposit.
00:55:27And if he can't, then what?
00:55:29He'll be bankrupt.
00:55:30So as long as he's greedy, I have to take it.
00:55:34I'm avenging my best friend.
00:55:36I want to show the world that without Angela Lockhart, he's nothing.
00:55:46I signed the Maple Plaza project.
00:55:49We should celebrate.
00:55:50You did?
00:55:52You see, I know my son has it in him.
00:55:54That skank Angela is nothing next to you.
00:55:57And it's all thanks to you, sweetheart.
00:56:00Actually, it's thanks to Angela.
00:56:06What?
00:56:07You're trying to ditch me to go back to your wife?
00:56:10Oh, no, no, no, no. He's not.
00:56:12Jared, what are you doing?
00:56:14You have such a beautiful and bright future ahead of you.
00:56:17It's my decision, Mom. I'm the head of the house here.
00:56:22I'm telling my dad.
00:56:23Fine. Go right ahead. He has enough problems himself.
00:56:26If you're obedient, I'll keep you around as his side piece.
00:56:29But if not, you can scram.
00:56:32Dad, Jared is being mean to me. Teach him a lesson.
00:56:36Kaylee, be a good girl, okay?
00:56:38Jared has the backing of some very powerful people now.
00:56:42Don't get on his bad side.
00:56:44We can't afford to piss him off.
00:56:46So do as he says.
00:56:48But, Dad...
00:56:54I'm sorry.
00:56:56I'll be your side piece.
00:56:58Very good. I'm happy you've come around.
00:57:01Now, let's go celebrate.
00:57:05I mean, do I really want to be with Mr. Minty Mouth forever, though?
00:57:09But that tongue action, though.
00:57:11Tongue is important in more than just one spot.
00:57:14Ellen, we are in public.
00:57:16It's true.
00:57:17Oh, stomachache.
00:57:19Again?
00:57:20Stomachache.
00:57:21Again?
00:57:22I have to run to the bathroom.
00:57:23Devin should be here to pick you up soon.
00:57:25Okay.
00:57:27Devin's late.
00:57:29Not a good sign for a date.
00:57:33This hotel restaurant has five Michelin stars.
00:57:38It's her.
00:57:39And she's alone.
00:57:40With no one to save her.
00:57:44You whore.
00:57:45You seduced my son so he'd get back with you.
00:57:51Let me tell you.
00:57:53I would never go back even if your entire family got down on their knees and begged me.
00:58:01Hey, you guys can fight all you want, but you need to take this somewhere else.
00:58:04Whoever gets rid of her for me gets all this.
00:58:07What?
00:58:08Why do I have to leave?
00:58:09She's the one starting shit.
00:58:11Because I have money and you don't.
00:58:13You're just a stinky hippie peddler.
00:58:16And my son just signed a $100 billion contract.
00:58:20He still got the contract?
00:58:22Hmm.
00:58:23Must be Ellen's doing.
00:58:25Even if he does sign it, he doesn't have the liquidity to pay the deposit up front.
00:58:29Oh, he's just gonna...
00:58:31Bet you've never seen this much cash before.
00:58:35Bet you've never seen this much cash before.
00:58:40You take my charity and toss it in my face as if it's your own.
00:58:45My maid wouldn't even pick up such a pitiful amount.
00:58:48$1,000 to take her away.
00:58:51$2,000 to drag her away.
00:58:54$5,000 to beat her away.
00:59:00Oh! Oh! Hey! Hey!
00:59:02Ow! Hey!
00:59:03Stop!
00:59:06You okay? Are you hurt?
00:59:12Weakling.
00:59:13You! You! Just a few days ago you found yourself a boy toy right after getting divorced.
00:59:18And now you have two more?
00:59:20What a whore.
00:59:22What a whore.
00:59:23Yeah. And Jared wanted to get back with her?
00:59:26What if she has an STD?
00:59:28Oh, like sleeping with a married man wouldn't give you an STD.
00:59:32Let's go. We'll expose her to Jared.
00:59:35Hang on.
00:59:38What do you want?
00:59:39I'll scream!
00:59:40I don't hit women.
00:59:42But I never said I don't kill women.
00:59:45But I never said I don't kill women.
00:59:47I said I don't kill women.
00:59:50Oh God. He is a murderer.
00:59:53What if he murders me?
00:59:54Not him. Definitely not him.
01:00:01We're not afraid of you.
01:00:03That's enough. This isn't a war zone.
01:00:05You'll be removed from being a five-star general if you hurt a civilian without adequate cause.
01:00:10I was just messing with them.
01:00:12Was he though?
01:00:13We're not afraid of you.
01:00:16Jared! You have to avenge us.
01:00:18Look at this slut. She's found two more boy toys.
01:00:21She's cheating on you. Don't get back with her.
01:00:23Oh, Mr. Cooper. It's you.
01:00:25I apologize for this scene.
01:00:27I'll toss out the potty crashes immediately so that you can go to your salvation banquet.
01:00:31What did you say? You were going to toss out?
01:00:33What did you say? You were going to toss out?
01:00:35The potty crashes.
01:00:38Oh!
01:00:39You have any idea who that is?
01:00:41That's my wife.
01:00:42We saved that title for the real skank over there.
01:00:45That's right. Know your place.
01:00:47Shut up.
01:00:48She's cheating on you.
01:00:51I know your place. You're just a side piece.
01:00:54If I still want you, that is.
01:00:56Eric, have you gone mad?
01:00:58This is Eric Vanderbilt's only daughter.
01:01:00You slap her for this whore?
01:01:02Mom!
01:01:03They really think they're something, huh?
01:01:05Angela's an heiress to a family whose wealth and status goes back to the Victorian age.
01:01:09She's richer even than Ellen Musk.
01:01:12I only got the Maple Closet project because she gave it to me.
01:01:16What?
01:01:18You apologize right now or I will kick you and your father to the curb.
01:01:27I'm sorry.
01:01:29No.
01:01:31This can't be.
01:01:33This can't be.
01:01:35I made you divorce...
01:01:39Go home.
01:01:41You're not suited to come with me to my celebration banquet.
01:01:49I apologize on behalf of my mother.
01:01:52Honey, I know you came here to celebrate my achievements.
01:01:56I promise no one will bother you anymore.
01:01:59I didn't come here for you.
01:02:01I'm on a date.
01:02:03A date with two men at the same time?
01:02:06She really is a whore.
01:02:08Angela, please forgive me.
01:02:10I really do love you.
01:02:14Oh-ho! Lady Knockout is here!
01:02:18Oh-ho! Lady Knockout is here!
01:02:22Yeah, we already know you beat Ford's ass up.
01:02:26We're too old for that.
01:02:28They're here for my celebration banquet.
01:02:30Please, you gave me the contract.
01:02:32So if anyone should go as my guest of honor, it should be you.
01:02:36Oh, yes, please, Miss Lockhart, join us.
01:02:38We'll all be one happy business family again.
01:02:42What the hell are you all doing here?
01:02:44Where were you?
01:02:46Stomach issues.
01:02:48Again? Would you like my diagnosis?
01:02:51No.
01:02:53Let me make myself clear, okay?
01:02:57I would rather die than be with you again.
01:03:00Seems that they're not actually on good terms.
01:03:04I can't lose face in front of these pricks.
01:03:06Otherwise, they'll cut me off, too.
01:03:08Angela, I know you're still mad, but please give me a chance.
01:03:10I'll prove it to you.
01:03:12You want a chance?
01:03:14Angela, no.
01:03:15You have three great guys here who all want to marry you.
01:03:18Don't take him back.
01:03:20I'll give you two choices.
01:03:24I'll give you two choices.
01:03:28Me or the contract.
01:03:31You're kidding me.
01:03:33No, I'm not kidding you.
01:03:35If you choose me, we can remarry this week.
01:03:39But you don't get the $100 billion contract.
01:03:43The choice is all yours.
01:03:45That's a tough choice.
01:03:47You think so?
01:03:49He either marries a royal heiress or gets a contract that takes his company to the moon.
01:03:52Either way, he benefits.
01:03:54Why can't I have both?
01:03:56You really are a greedy bastard.
01:03:58Angela, I saved you in the pool, remember?
01:04:01I deserve the contract.
01:04:03Did you really?
01:04:08Look who's fashionably late now.
01:04:11He didn't save her at the pool.
01:04:13Wait, what are you talking about?
01:04:16I choose the contract.
01:04:19I knew it.
01:04:20You'll get what's coming to you.
01:04:23With this contract, my company's earning potential is limitless.
01:04:27Angela Lockhart, you humiliated me in front of everyone.
01:04:31I will get you one day.
01:04:33Let me show you something.
01:04:46You saved me.
01:04:52You saved me.
01:04:54I'm sorry if his lies led to you wasting three years of your life.
01:05:00But I promise you, I'm going to make it up to you with the rest of our lives.
01:05:05No, no, I wasn't lying.
01:05:07I just couldn't remember exactly what happened that day.
01:05:11Hey.
01:05:18Does that mean we both each saved her once?
01:05:22What? Me?
01:05:24Dr. Wilson losing at saving people?
01:05:27No way.
01:05:28You guys, one of you, do something life-threatening right now.
01:05:32You're crazy.
01:05:34Actually, they've all been doing horrible shit behind your back.
01:05:40What?
01:05:42Mr. Sterling had me investigate their company's dealings.
01:05:45Turns out they've been fudging the numbers on your shared accounts and contracts.
01:05:49Put it simply, they've been stealing from you.
01:05:53I can't believe I didn't realize.
01:05:55Ms. Lockhart, I'm so sorry.
01:05:57I should have had third-party accountants check thoroughly.
01:06:00No, it's not your fault. They're just too slick.
01:06:03You'd like me to punish them for-
01:06:05Oh God, no. Not that again. Please.
01:06:08Max, you know what to do.
01:06:24The banks have pulled all of our funds.
01:06:26All business ties have been severed.
01:06:28We're bankrupt!
01:06:34How did you do that?
01:06:36Who are you?
01:06:37Who are you? And don't say Spider-Man!
01:06:42I'll tell you who I am.
01:06:45I'll tell you who I am.
01:06:49I am...
01:06:51Crypto Punk Number Two.
01:06:53What did he say he was?
01:06:54That's more bizarre than Spider-Man.
01:06:57You're Crypto Punk Number Two?
01:07:00Well, I'm Crypto Punk Number One.
01:07:03See? You are number one at something.
01:07:05The most expensive NFT collection in the world.
01:07:08Forget Forbes' list.
01:07:10It's all about young money now.
01:07:12So, how about our date?
01:07:20I'm not letting him one-up me on this one.
01:07:22Let's buy two.
01:07:36They forgot to cancel my contract.
01:07:39I still have the $100 billion project.
01:07:43Yes! I'm rich!
01:07:46They'll make them all pay soon!
01:07:54What?
01:07:55Mr. Cooper, sir.
01:07:56The Maple Plaza contract requires us to provide 50% of the costs up front.
01:08:00Otherwise, it's a breach of contract
01:08:02and we'll have to pay for all financial repercussions.
01:08:05No!
01:08:07I'm bankrupt!
01:08:09I need a little off-card.
01:08:11You tricked me!
01:08:18Allow me.
01:08:22I'm sorry I was late, my queen.
01:08:24I had to get some very important materials
01:08:27for our special date.
01:08:30Well, cheers.
01:08:32Cheers.
01:08:41This looks good.
01:08:47Did you use my spices?
01:08:50I know your ex-in-laws never appreciated you.
01:08:55You can have all the money and power in the world
01:08:57and you still can't force a man to love you.
01:09:02I couldn't even remember our anniversary.
01:09:08Angela,
01:09:10your future with me
01:09:14is going to be different.
01:09:16Come on.
01:09:18Upstairs.
01:09:28Come on.
01:09:37Wow.
01:09:39Devon, I can't believe this is what I've been missing out on
01:09:42these past few years
01:09:44just because of some silly mistake.
01:09:47Angela,
01:09:49I've known and loved you for three whole years.
01:09:51Actually,
01:09:53I've also loved you for three years.
01:09:56That's right.
01:09:58I fell in love with you three years ago, too.
01:10:00How is all of this possible?
01:10:03I didn't meet any of you until recently.
01:10:06Well, actually, maybe Devon, but...
01:10:10I've had a crush on you since college.
01:10:13You were my motivation to go to business school.
01:10:17Despite who you were,
01:10:19you never judged me for being poor.
01:10:23Are you trying to get hired at Fortune 500
01:10:27in a suit like that?
01:10:31All you do is babble on and on
01:10:33about Internet money,
01:10:35Bitcoin, and shit like that.
01:10:39Are you trying to steal my spot?
01:10:43I'll teach you a lesson.
01:10:46Hey! Get away from him!
01:10:48Angela!
01:10:50Fight the girl. I like her.
01:11:03How is he?
01:11:04It's a rare poison
01:11:06made from a mixture of dried roots found in Africa.
01:11:09Osh to God, salt to you.
01:11:10Can it be cured?
01:11:12I actually think I know that poison.
01:11:14It sounds really scary,
01:11:15but its cure can actually be found in any developed country.
01:11:18Household salt.
01:11:26I like her.
01:11:29There you go.
01:11:31Time is up.
01:11:34Oh, shoot. I'm late for swim practice.
01:11:43I like her.
01:11:45We have been rivals ever since.
01:11:48So, that's how I...
01:11:50Well, we all met.
01:11:53I barely remember.
01:11:55I should have never let you go to swim practice that day.
01:11:58Matthew Richards, the guy who poisoned me,
01:12:01attacked you out of revenge.
01:12:03You wouldn't have known.
01:12:04I did hear you dropped out and became a loan shark, though.
01:12:06That makes you feel any better.
01:12:08Yeah, I think that suits him a little better.
01:12:11Angela, your seven days is almost up.
01:12:13Now that you know they all loved and fought for you for three years,
01:12:17who will you pick?
01:12:23How can that be?
01:12:25Angela Lockhart is an heiress?
01:12:32Kaylee, we've gone bankrupt.
01:12:36Bankrupt?
01:12:38The Vanderbilts have gone bankrupt?
01:12:41Well then, get out of here!
01:12:44You can't do this to me!
01:12:48Jared!
01:12:49Mom, it's me.
01:12:50What happened?
01:12:52Jared, I have carefully reconsidered.
01:12:55Angela is way better than this dimwit.
01:12:57You should get back with your wife.
01:12:59We're bankrupt.
01:13:01What?
01:13:05Jared Cooper.
01:13:08We're here to propose to your belongings.
01:13:12No one is going to save you now.
01:13:15Mom!
01:13:19What kind of an asshole throws his own mother to the dogs?
01:13:26Who will you pick?
01:13:29I...
01:13:32I brought you fried chicken.
01:13:34Fried chicken?
01:13:35Hey, not all girls like sushi and caviar.
01:13:38Yeah, he's right. I did live in Atlanta for three months.
01:13:41Sucking up last minute!
01:13:43At least I don't speak like an AI robot.
01:13:45Hey, stop. Stop.
01:13:49Welcome back to the bachelorette.
01:13:52I mean, the three badasses who want me.
01:13:55I mean, Angela Lockhart,
01:13:58Angela Lockhart...
01:14:00You know what I mean.
01:14:02Today, our heiress bachelorette will choose
01:14:05which one of our three badasses will she marry.
01:14:09Will it be Shane, the doctor?
01:14:13Cole, the general?
01:14:17Or Devin, the CEO?
01:14:23Looks like our bachelorette may need a little more time to decide.
01:14:27Oh, the suspense is killing me.
01:14:30But when she does, she will take this eternal rose
01:14:33made from glass imported from Venice
01:14:36and give it to our winner.
01:14:38Angela.
01:14:41Angela.
01:14:43Oh, I...
01:14:46I need more time to think.
01:14:52While our bachelorette takes a little time to decide,
01:14:56why don't we check in with each of our candidates?
01:14:58Let's check in with each of our candidates.
01:15:01Let's start with Cole.
01:15:03Cole.
01:15:08There's not much to say.
01:15:10Who wouldn't want a five-star general
01:15:12who has huge biceps,
01:15:14a massive chest,
01:15:16who would protect their wife?
01:15:21Okay, thank you.
01:15:23Uh, Shane?
01:15:26Muscles, money,
01:15:28they won't get you so far.
01:15:30But you need a well-balanced man like me
01:15:32that has more than one way to keep a lady happy,
01:15:35if you know what I mean.
01:15:39Okay, I think we do.
01:15:41And Devin?
01:15:44That was quite disgusting.
01:15:48I just hope Angela's okay.
01:15:50I know she's going under a lot of stress right now,
01:15:53a lot of choices to make.
01:15:56And she's my queen.
01:15:58I just really hope she's okay.
01:16:00And then one more thing.
01:16:02What kind of a doctor
01:16:04brings fried chicken to a girl?
01:16:06That's a good point.
01:16:08It's bad for her heart.
01:16:10And then you!
01:16:12What?
01:16:13You know what they say about military men.
01:16:16They beat their wives.
01:16:21Enough!
01:16:24Stand up!
01:16:26Hey, you guys.
01:16:28Whoa, break it up!
01:16:30Hey! Break it up!
01:16:32Ugh!
01:16:37Cut to commercial!
01:16:39Cut to commercial!
01:16:54Ugh.
01:16:57This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my entire life.
01:17:02Who do I choose?
01:17:11Angela's marrying me!
01:17:12You're not stealing her from me.
01:17:14Oh yeah?
01:17:16I may be a doctor, but like I said,
01:17:18I know and possess the deadliest poisons in the world.
01:17:24What don't you have in that coat?
01:17:26Fruit flavored gum.
01:17:27I won't let you take Angela away from me.
01:17:29I'll fight you to the death.
01:17:31Don't forget about me.
01:17:33It's time I reveal my true identity.
01:17:39These stupid profile cards don't make any sense.
01:17:42They do not. They do not help.
01:17:44Who made these?
01:17:54Ugh.
01:18:04It's time I reveal my true identity.
01:18:09I'm actually a part of the X-Men.
01:18:12And I have the power of telekinesis!
01:18:19Oh!
01:18:24Ugh.
01:18:31We may have to work together to take him down.
01:18:44This battle within our heads is the most intense I've ever experienced.
01:18:48I may not be able to take them both down if they decide to team up.
01:18:51Hmm.
01:18:52Winterman or Kulm?
01:18:58You know,
01:19:00I've always really liked your hair.
01:19:02Really?
01:19:04I'm actually pretty self-conscious about it.
01:19:07So I appreciate that.
01:19:09Hey, hey, hey.
01:19:11And you know, Kulm,
01:19:13I've always really liked the way you talk.
01:19:15Really?
01:19:17Yeah.
01:19:20What do you got for me?
01:19:22I've always really liked the way you chew gum.
01:19:25Yeah?
01:19:26Yeah.
01:19:27That's fresh, right?
01:19:29Yeah, yeah.
01:19:31You know, you're actually a really good doctor.
01:19:33Hey, hey, hey.
01:19:35You need me to look at you?
01:19:36I got you.
01:19:37Hey, me?
01:19:38Angela's been kidnapped.
01:19:40Angela's been kidnapped.
01:19:42It was Jerry Cooper.
01:19:44That fucker!
01:19:46We have to find her.
01:19:47What, how?
01:19:48Her ring.
01:19:49Her dad installed a GPS tracking mechanism on her ring just in case.
01:19:52Well, let's go then.
01:19:54My phone!
01:19:55My fiance!
01:19:56My fiance!
01:20:02Jared.
01:20:06What am I doing here?
01:20:09You destroyed me.
01:20:12You took everything.
01:20:15What?
01:20:16I have nothing left.
01:20:18It's not my fault you were too greedy.
01:20:21I wasn't greedy.
01:20:23You had sex with my wife.
01:20:25What?
01:20:26I'm not your wife anymore.
01:20:28Oh yeah, I know.
01:20:29You wouldn't take me back now, not unless I get you pregnant with my child.
01:20:32This is illegal.
01:20:33You wouldn't want your child to be away from its father.
01:20:36You won't have me arrested.
01:20:38You will take me back.
01:20:40Ow!
01:20:42Come on, bitch.
01:20:45I'll settle you down a little.
01:20:55You will be begging me to fuck you soon.
01:20:59Hey!
01:21:01Antimo, come here!
01:21:06You're too late!
01:21:08I drugged her.
01:21:09She'll be dead soon unless...
01:21:10Yet?
01:21:11Have you forgotten who I am?
01:21:13He really does have everything in his coat.
01:21:15Everything except for fruit.
01:21:16Yeah, except for fruit-flavored gum.
01:21:17We get it already.
01:21:18Just save my boss!
01:21:21Here you go.
01:21:27You're all good now.
01:21:29Oh, thank God.
01:21:31But what do we do with that piece of shit?
01:21:33What?
01:21:34What are you going to do to me?
01:21:36Hey, stop!
01:21:37No!
01:21:38Don't!
01:21:39Ow!
01:21:40Enjoy your erectile dysfunction forever.
01:21:45Ow!
01:21:47Glad we didn't actually have that fight.
01:21:49Turns out he's the most dangerous of them all.
01:21:58So who did you pick, sweetheart?
01:22:00We've invited the most important figures of the world to your wedding.
01:22:03The Prince of Bhutan.
01:22:05And remember, we will kill ourselves if you don't choose.
01:22:11Welcome back to the finale of...
01:22:13The Three Badasses Who Want Me.
01:22:15We're down to the wire.
01:22:17Literally.
01:22:18The wedding day.
01:22:19But who's the groom?
01:22:33Welcome back to the finale of...
01:22:35The Three Badasses Who Want Me.
01:22:37The Three Badasses Who Want Me.
01:22:39But who's the groom?
01:22:43Uh...
01:22:44Seems our heiress still hasn't decided.
01:22:48Any input from the parents?
01:22:50Maybe that will help sway our bachelorette's choice.
01:22:53Oh, this is exciting!
01:22:55Who should my daughter pick?
01:22:58Let me think.
01:23:02I like the doctor.
01:23:04He's cute.
01:23:07But the general looks like a strong fellow.
01:23:11And we can't forget about Devon Sterling, the one who's loved her the longest.
01:23:15Isn't that right, Devon?
01:23:17Angela.
01:23:24You are all three very fine gentlemen.
01:23:29And I'm really grateful for all of your love.
01:23:33But this was a really hard decision.
01:23:36And...
01:23:38I decided to devise one last challenge.
01:23:42And...
01:23:44I decided to devise one last challenge.
01:23:50I'm just kidding.
01:23:51I'm just as sick of this as you guys are.
01:23:57Each of our candidates have saved our main character.
01:24:00I mean, bachelorette, once.
01:24:03They've all proven their undying love.
01:24:06So who gets to unlock Angela Lockhart's heart?
01:24:09Literally.
01:24:12Could it be the sexy and protective, general with a temper, Mr. Cole Eisenhower?
01:24:23Or the fun, wicked-minded, but kind of weird, Dr. Shane Wilson?
01:24:33And last but not least, could it be the richest man of them all?
01:24:38The man Angela would have married a long time ago, Mr. Devon Sterling.
01:24:45Gentlemen.
01:24:47It's been a pleasure getting to know you.
01:24:49May the best man win.
01:24:52May the best man win.
01:24:55Drum roll, please.
01:25:04Never gonna let you down.
01:25:06Never gonna run around and desert you.
01:25:10Seriously, Ricky?
01:25:18I choose...
01:25:21I choose...
01:25:29I need a powerful, strong man.
01:25:31I really feel like he could protect me.
01:25:35Who could resist those guns?
01:25:39Could I interest you in an NFD, Ellen?
01:25:41Yeah, would you like a full-body checkup?
01:25:46I choose...
01:25:51I choose...
01:25:57Shane, it's you. I'm lovesick for you.
01:26:01You like that minty flavor, don't you?
01:26:03Yeah.
01:26:06It's that tongue action, ladies and gents.
01:26:09Ellen, be my new queen. I hope we can go together.
01:26:12Guns, baby.
01:26:20Guns, baby.
01:26:25It's always been you.
01:26:35I'll always love you.
01:26:39Let's give it up for those nine inches, everybody.
01:26:42Ellen, would you like a full-body checkup?
01:26:44Have you seen my murder weapon?
01:26:46I need fruit-flavored gum for you.
01:26:50Mmm-mmm-mmm.