Jack Me
Jack Me
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Greasy burgers, chicken too, goes through you like shit through a goose.
00:00:05Jackass food that's hard to chew, but it goes through you like shit through a goose.
00:00:19America!
00:00:21Home of the fat.
00:00:24We got the largest donuts,
00:00:26the largest hamburgers,
00:00:28the largest hot dogs,
00:00:30the largest knockers,
00:00:33and the largest, fattest, hungriest human beings on planet Earth.
00:00:37In fact, if you live in the U.S., you'll probably see more fat in your lifetime than a slaughterhouse floor.
00:00:44Congratulations, swine, and the hormones in the food are enough to make a toddler grow tits.
00:00:50We have way too many fast food joints in America.
00:00:54I mean, there's a park and puke on practically every corner.
00:00:57The vomit being served today is way out of control.
00:01:00Things used to be different.
00:01:02Home-cooked meals used to be an American pastime.
00:01:06It's much easier today to just hit up a Jack's shack for dinner.
00:01:10But at what cost?
00:01:12Although my mom didn't cook that often,
00:01:14I still have many memories of her rattling the pots and pans in our kitchen.
00:01:18This is her, way back when.
00:01:20Sometimes, if she wasn't too hungover,
00:01:23she'd whip up some toast or a nice bowl of cereal.
00:01:27Oh, and here's a good picture of her in the kitchen,
00:01:30taken right after she gang-banged about a dozen Hell's Angels.
00:01:34Good one, Mom.
00:01:35In fact, most of my memories of her are in the kitchen,
00:01:39probably because that's where she kept the booze.
00:01:42The only time we ate out was when one of Mama's boyfriends knocked over a liquor store,
00:01:47or when she'd turn a trick down at the laundromat.
00:01:50Now we have a new public enemy number one.
00:01:53Jack.
00:01:55And his commercials are just a sick display of his power in the fast food market.
00:02:20You'll never scream louder for my suicide sandwich.
00:02:25Grab one today.
00:02:28Diaper not included.
00:02:30Yeah, about as funny as a fart in a morgue.
00:02:34There's a new Jack's popping up every day.
00:02:37And let's not forget the hazards of his horrible food.
00:02:41It's a scary hormone-injected menu of death.
00:02:46Now what would happen if I ate Jack for a month straight?
00:02:51Well, I guess I'd have to know him pretty well, huh?
00:02:54But seriously, I don't know Jack.
00:02:56Not yet, anyway.
00:02:58I've just heard the horror stories.
00:03:00So now it's time I taste what I've been missing.
00:03:03So come on.
00:03:05Jack!
00:03:15Jack!
00:03:45Jack!
00:03:52Jack!
00:03:54Jack!
00:04:12I figured if I was going to go all out on a 30-day Jack Spender,
00:04:16I would need a reputable physician to monitor my health.
00:04:20Problem is, I don't have insurance.
00:04:23So I enlisted the medical supervision of an ex-veterinarian
00:04:27who ran an underground clinic down by the L.A. River.
00:04:30Any history of health problems?
00:04:33Not really.
00:04:35No aneurysms, retardation?
00:04:37I did have some mental illness a few years back.
00:04:40Oh. Tell me more.
00:04:42Well, let's just say I got a little crazy at Cheesy Chuck's Pizza Parlor one night,
00:04:47and when they arrested me, I was naked in the ball crawl.
00:04:51Are you sexually active?
00:04:53Yes.
00:04:54A girlfriend?
00:04:55Yes.
00:04:56No, I said girlfriend.
00:04:58Um, yeah. Yeah.
00:05:01Right.
00:05:02Any history of family diseases?
00:05:04Let's see. My dad drank till his guts vulcanized,
00:05:07and my mom had every STD in TJ.
00:05:11TJ?
00:05:12Yeah. My mom rode more donkeys down there than Pancho Villa.
00:05:16The reason I ask about your parents is that heredity plays a large part in our health.
00:05:22Why, did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
00:05:26It is?
00:05:27Yeah. It runs in your genes!
00:05:29Ha ha ha!
00:05:32Now, are you sure you want to go ahead with this?
00:05:36You realize Jack's food is one of the leading causes of serious health abnormalities.
00:05:45Jack is an evil, sadistic clown that preys upon our children and our community.
00:05:51It's my moral obligation to show this great country
00:05:56exactly what this hormone-injected garbage can do to a human.
00:06:01All right, moron. It's your body.
00:06:03I wouldn't worry too much.
00:06:05You look strong as a horse.
00:06:07So, let's get started with some tests, shall we?
00:06:11Our food is good! It's good for America!
00:06:14The FDA...
00:06:16They're coming down on us.
00:06:18We only use the best ingredients!
00:06:20We use the best shit there is!
00:06:22And the FDA can drink my piss!
00:06:33Doctor is in, and wearing a grin.
00:06:36I've got a PhD in sodomy.
00:06:40Lift your gown, spread your cheeks.
00:06:42This physical takes three whole weeks.
00:06:44This plantar thermometer will make your toes curl.
00:06:48I'll grab your nuts like a star-spangled...
00:06:50Mother should turn a door.
00:06:52What's that for?
00:06:53A little more hypno to relax you for the rectal exam.
00:06:56My practice suits don't bother me.
00:06:59Cause I got some PhD in sodomy.
00:07:13So, overall, you're pretty healthy.
00:07:16The worst that can happen to you is you would die an excruciating death,
00:07:20and Satan would emerge from the bowels of hell and torment your soul forever.
00:07:26Well, I guess I can live with that.
00:07:30Okay. Good luck, moron.
00:07:33Thanks, Doc. You're a good man.
00:07:42Screw you, hobos!
00:07:44My Art Café is a recipe for success!
00:07:47Smoke, tits, and Satan!
00:07:50Jack, it's not all about rump shaking and tit twirling.
00:07:54It's, um...
00:07:55Jack, you're white.
00:07:57Whiter than an albino's ass.
00:08:00Get to the point, dick licks!
00:08:02White rappers suck.
00:08:04Say that to Anima!
00:08:06Four number one hits this year alone!
00:08:10You can't have that one hit.
00:08:12Ass hostage?
00:08:14Exactly!
00:08:15Inhale my sausage!
00:08:18I'll make you my ass hostage!
00:08:21But that wigger was a fluke.
00:08:24Well, for some street cred, we do have...
00:08:28Lack Jack.
00:08:30What?
00:08:31Roll the tape.
00:08:34My name is Jack, and my ass is black.
00:08:37My burgers are bomb, cause I'm the real Mack.
00:08:39I smack their buns, and the beef I toss.
00:08:41Then I throw down my special sauce.
00:08:44Just slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:47Come on, just slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:51The all-new Black Jack Burger.
00:08:54It's hot, and it squirts.
00:08:57You're shitting me!
00:08:59Where on God's white earth did you find this hugrat?
00:09:03Compton Clown School, actually.
00:09:07You dumb pricks!
00:09:09There's already an unfunny fat ass in Hollywood named Jack Black!
00:09:14No!
00:09:16It's Black Jack!
00:09:19F you!
00:09:20I'm Jack, and that's my jail!
00:09:23And don't you forget it!
00:09:24There's only one Jack!
00:09:26But Jack!
00:09:27Please!
00:09:28Cops!
00:09:29Grab your kettle kilts and head to the pay-as-you-go!
00:09:32Fire!
00:09:33Whatever.
00:09:34I'll see you later at the petting zoo.
00:09:38You better watch yourself, you gnarly!
00:09:40I'll put your punk ass back in the halfway house where I found you!
00:09:48Yeah, so I'm not gonna exercise for a month either.
00:09:51Which suits me fine.
00:09:53I mean, this is L.A.
00:09:56Nobody walks here.
00:09:59People in L.A. are so lazy.
00:10:02If they could drive to the toilet, they would.
00:10:07Speaking of toilets, this is my place right up here.
00:10:13Yeah, my girlfriend's not too hip on this whole experiment thing.
00:10:17She just hates fast food.
00:10:20She says it makes her feel all rubbery.
00:10:25Yeah, we met at a little store in North Hollywood about a year ago.
00:10:33We fell in love so fast.
00:10:39So fast, she says she literally felt the wind rush through her body.
00:10:51Oh, hey honey, I was just talking about you.
00:11:03Yeah, she's a little shy around new people sometimes.
00:11:07All right.
00:11:09Hey honey, where'd you put that patch kit?
00:11:13Left leg's looking a little flat.
00:11:22Shut your lousy blowhole and listen to me.
00:11:25It's my body and if I want to wear a diaper for the rest of my life, that's my problem.
00:11:31So get off your lazy ass and fix me a bologna sandwich.
00:11:36I want something nice to eat before I start my Jax diet tomorrow.
00:11:44Oh, screw me, huh?
00:11:48Say something now.
00:11:50That's what I thought.
00:11:52Psycho.
00:12:01Well, this is it.
00:12:03Day one.
00:12:05The first meal of the day.
00:12:07The most important meal of the day.
00:12:09Breakfast.
00:12:14Y'all have a Flappy Jax breakfast combo.
00:12:17This is every kid's dream.
00:12:19Jax.
00:12:21For breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:12:25I got me some Flappy Jax.
00:12:32Here goes my first bite.
00:12:44Ah.
00:12:46That's good.
00:12:48That's good.
00:12:50That's good.
00:12:52Ah.
00:12:54Damn, who shat in the batter?
00:12:59Do you eat at Jax?
00:13:01Not so much, but I think I've eaten there, yeah.
00:13:05I eat at Jax.
00:13:07What do you think of Jax food?
00:13:09It's all greasy and they don't take the time to prepare it right.
00:13:13Ah, I don't know. Maybe I want to get some fat.
00:13:17I hate Jax.
00:13:19You like Wendy's?
00:13:21Yeah, Wendy's nuts are in your mouth.
00:13:26So you ever get the Jack meat, you know, big size?
00:13:29Yeah, I've been jacked before.
00:13:31Man, it was fucking awesome.
00:13:36Yeah, last time I ate one of those Jack burgers, it tasted like feet.
00:13:40Thank you very much.
00:13:41Now here's the rules.
00:13:42I can only eat food from Jax.
00:13:44If Jax doesn't sell it, I can't eat it.
00:13:47I have to try every item on the menu.
00:13:51And finally, I have to eat three squares a day.
00:13:55Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:13:58No pussing out.
00:14:00Well, it's lunch time and I'm about to inhale the Mumbo Jumbo Jax Super Circus Combo.
00:14:06What size do you want? Do you want to get Jax?
00:14:09Yeah, Jack.
00:14:11Jack meat. Jack meat.
00:14:16Damn, this thing's about as rare as a full set of teeth at Walmart.
00:14:23And I got the Jumbo Jumbo Death Defying Drink.
00:14:29Oh boy.
00:14:35Oh, that's horrible.
00:14:38Let's see what we got here.
00:14:41Ah, cool.
00:14:42I got the Two-Headed Circus Freak Action Figure.
00:14:48Sweet.
00:14:50High dive time.
00:14:54Score, baby.
00:14:57What do you think Jax food is doing to the public's waistline?
00:15:01Well, shit. It's making the whole country a bunch of lard-ass.
00:15:05And that upsets you?
00:15:07Is there a mustache in Mexico?
00:15:12Now people are doing the unthinkable.
00:15:15They're suing Jax's greasy ass.
00:15:19Come on. We used to eat out quite a bit when we were kids.
00:15:23This is a new phenomenon. It's an epidemic.
00:15:26Kids are growing pubes in preschool.
00:15:29It's unacceptable. Period.
00:15:31And don't even get me started on periods.
00:15:34It's those damn hormones.
00:15:37So, listen, Bub. Here's the deal.
00:15:39Everybody's getting on fat eating all this fast food all the time.
00:15:42That's a damn shame.
00:15:43Did you know that most people eat out 40% of their meals?
00:15:48I mean, I, of course, eat out a little bit more than that.
00:15:51If you know what I'm saying.
00:15:56So, I heard you want to sue Jax.
00:15:58Oh, yeah. I am going to sue the suspenders off of that ball of shit.
00:16:03I am going to sue the suspenders off of that ball-headed, burger-pimping bastard.
00:16:08I am going to sue Jax until he ain't got jack.
00:16:11I'm going to sue him until he can't even order off his own value menu.
00:16:15Are you kidding me?
00:16:16Yeah, you can quote me on that.
00:16:18And you've sued food companies before?
00:16:20Oh, companies, schools.
00:16:22Oh, shit.
00:16:25Stella, yeah, where in the hell is the file for the Little Sisters of Mercy?
00:16:29Huh?
00:16:30I have that in court today and I am not letting those bitches off the hook.
00:16:34Church has got plenty of money.
00:16:36The file is not on my desk in one minute.
00:16:38I'm going to sue you.
00:16:39Again.
00:16:41Jack has a team of top-notch lawyers foaming at the mouth for some action.
00:16:46And occasionally, he fires back.
00:16:49Come on.
00:16:50I've been doing this shit a long time.
00:16:53I just made a ton of cash with Lord of the O-Rings.
00:16:57Then I just wrapped Butt Pirates of the Caribbean 2.
00:17:01Now I've got to deal with this crap.
00:17:03Yeah, I'm currently involved in a lawsuit pending with Jack.
00:17:07It's over the use of this title.
00:17:10Jack me.
00:17:19See, this friggin' scum sack says he already owns the phrase.
00:17:25So now, next month, I've got to drag my ass down to court and settle this shit.
00:17:31Not to mention, the judge wants to subpoena my two lead stars from Jack.
00:17:37So how's that going to look?
00:17:39When the judge says,
00:17:40Will Jennifer Love's Huge Dick and Harry Ass Truman Please Take the Stand?
00:17:48Yeah, somebody's going to get jacked all right.
00:17:52Mwah.
00:17:56Hey, Jacks.
00:17:58You have a choice.
00:17:59You can choose this.
00:18:00See, you've got your circus midget size.
00:18:02Or you can choose this size.
00:18:06AKA, Suicide.
00:18:09You have a choice.
00:18:10There is no choice.
00:18:12I'd rather be butt raped by a large inmate than to buy this, rather than buy this.
00:18:19Shit, you could eat a trunk load of trout for how much calories you get in this.
00:18:24And let me tell you, I've done it.
00:18:26I smell it.
00:18:30Jacks offers various drink sizes to quench your primal thirst.
00:18:33They got the Circus Midget, the Clown Court, the Midway Monster, and of course, the Jack Me Special, the Suicides.
00:18:42And for the hard cores, there's the Steroid Smoothie.
00:18:46Drink it up.
00:18:50And Jack also puts a gang of sugar in his drinks.
00:18:53Not to mention ingredients more unnatural than a 90-year-old man having a sex change.
00:18:59And of course, the cherry on top, hormones.
00:19:07Welcome to Jack's. Can I take your order?
00:19:09Yeah, give me a Bearded Lady Burger, an order of Drunken Carny Curly Fries, and a soda.
00:19:17Okay, go ahead.
00:19:19Oh wait, you didn't ask me if I wanted to get Jack.
00:19:22Get your hands off my ass.
00:19:24What?
00:19:25Not you, I was talking to my manager.
00:19:29Okay.
00:19:32Just look at this thing.
00:19:34Two pounds of pure Angus fur.
00:19:38More hair than Burt Reynolds' balls.
00:19:41Wow.
00:19:43Not to mention, enough curly fries to lasso Louis Anderson.
00:19:49And of course, my favorite, one gallon of highly caffeinated, sugar-saturated water.
00:19:59Oh boy.
00:20:03Last time I ate that much fur, I was at a swing party in Chatsworth.
00:20:13Mmm.
00:20:26Stop.
00:20:32Wow.
00:20:34Hey, a condom.
00:20:43Jack's, it's what's for dinner.
00:20:56I feel like total crap today.
00:20:59But it's breakfast time, and I ain't quitting now.
00:21:06Yeah, that's the son of a bitch our camera's caught stooping around one of the restaurants.
00:21:10It appears he's making a movie or something.
00:21:12Probably trying to shut you down.
00:21:13He looks like a real moron.
00:21:15Funny you should say that.
00:21:17His name is Moron.
00:21:18Moron Spermlick, to be exact.
00:21:20A real loser.
00:21:21I trailed him to some shit shack out in the woods.
00:21:24You done good, Dick.
00:21:25I'll take it from here.
00:21:29The side effects are horrendous.
00:21:32Hair grows in weird spots.
00:21:34Some men even develop breasts.
00:21:36It's like suicide eating it, Jacks.
00:21:39It really is.
00:21:40Yeah, I'm getting this weird pulsating sensation in my schlong area.
00:21:45It's really strange.
00:21:52It must be all the hormones.
00:21:54Quick, give me another burger.
00:21:59Move it!
00:22:00Move it!
00:22:02That's the good thing about L.A.
00:22:04They deliver everything.
00:22:06Dick.
00:22:08Yeah.
00:22:11Hey, little bitch.
00:22:12I heard you're making a movie about how my food sucks.
00:22:16No way.
00:22:17Your food's healthy and nutritious?
00:22:19You're a crap moron.
00:22:20Everybody knows my food ain't fit for a coma patient.
00:22:24If I hear one more story about your little art fave film,
00:22:29I'll make you go down on the cloud.
00:22:32Well, it's video, actually.
00:22:34Cut your mustache!
00:22:36If I hear any more crap, I'm gonna cut your hair to end
00:22:39and you'll be wearing a smile like mine.
00:22:42Got it?
00:22:44Um, yes, Jack.
00:22:45I'm sorry.
00:22:47I'll be watching you.
00:22:58Let's face it.
00:22:59Fast food will kill you quicker than PCP.
00:23:01And unfortunately, without that bitchin' buzz.
00:23:03And I don't think America's doin' its civil duty.
00:23:06Lettin' its kids run around at all hours into the night
00:23:08at these grease shacks, well...
00:23:11Excuse me, I am up here.
00:23:16He picks his nose with the TV on
00:23:18I'm a pig now, baby, I'm a pig, pig, pig
00:23:21He spits his toes when he's feeling gone
00:23:23I'm a pig now, baby, dick
00:23:26He goes out on a Friday night
00:23:28Takes off his pants cause he feels all right
00:23:31Third down and twenty to go
00:23:33This two-ton turkey is ready to go, go, go
00:23:43Rock!
00:23:48Take three, folks!
00:23:53Stick it!
00:23:56Cut it, rock!
00:23:58Rock!
00:24:00Look, bad stuff happens when you eat this garbage every day.
00:24:04Things like...
00:24:05Violent diarrhea
00:24:08Soft-serve stool
00:24:10Yum!
00:24:11Ring sting
00:24:14Projectile vomiting
00:24:17Male lactation
00:24:19Oh boy
00:24:20And genital strokes
00:24:23In fact, if this continues
00:24:25Half of all kids born in the next five years
00:24:28will become so fat and bloated with hormones
00:24:31California will indeed sink into the ocean
00:24:34before the year 2010
00:24:40They're always hanging out somewhere
00:24:42Somebody didn't know where I was
00:24:43With my hair in a mess, with my underwear
00:24:45Outside someone's head with a little bit of food and chili
00:24:48I'm sorry!
00:24:49You don't like to get out with somebody
00:24:51There's a woman coming right back to me and saying
00:24:53Hey woman!
00:24:54Why don't you shut up and get the hell out of my life?
00:24:56I don't care what your name is anyway!
00:24:58Shut up, dog!
00:25:01Big turkey!
00:25:02Bitch!
00:25:03Watch my TV, boy!
00:25:05We live a big life!
00:25:15Without further ado, let's bring out Gerald Funyan
00:25:20What's up, World of Warships, you hot?
00:25:22I'd like to thank all you wonderful kids and faculty
00:25:24for giving me the opportunity to tell my story
00:25:27Sit down, nigglet!
00:25:30Anyways
00:25:31I never smoked cigarettes without filters
00:25:34And I never drank liquor that wasn't in a 40-ounce bottle
00:25:37My hang-up was jacks
00:25:39And before my last unemployment check
00:25:41I weighed 400 pounds in the shade
00:25:44So I brought a pair of my old droves
00:25:47Oh, snaps!
00:25:48Got them backwards
00:25:50Anyways, you get it
00:25:51My black ass was fat
00:25:54And active
00:26:00Another one bites the dust, baby
00:26:05I don't think the son of a bitch knew what he was getting into
00:26:08I mean, raised in a trailer
00:26:10Abused
00:26:12His dad was awful
00:26:14Horrid
00:26:15While most kids heard bedtime stories before they went to sleep
00:26:21All he heard, usually, was this
00:26:27Yeah, my dad used to get real drunk
00:26:30And he'd make me watch Chuck Norris movies in the nude with him
00:26:35All night
00:26:39Do you like jacks food?
00:26:41Yuck!
00:26:42I prefer something healthy
00:26:44What would you rather have other than jacks?
00:26:47Well, actually, I prefer a hot grease enema
00:26:50Hey, I haven't actually seen you at the club lately
00:26:52Where you been, girlfriend?
00:26:54What are you talking about?
00:26:55We don't know each other
00:26:57Don't hate
00:26:58Masticate
00:27:04Jacks is poison, man
00:27:06Do yourself a favor and eat out of the dumpster behind the free clinic
00:27:12Well, you pretty much succeeded in reaming out your health
00:27:16You gained 10 pounds and you look like shit
00:27:19I look like shit?
00:27:22Scratch that
00:27:23You smell like shit
00:27:26This is absurd
00:27:28Stop it before it's too late!
00:27:36That'll be $4.25, sir
00:27:38Alright, there you go
00:27:40Hey, did you want any special sauce with that today?
00:27:43Yeah, I'll take some special sauce, thanks
00:27:45Alright, hey!
00:27:46Journey, load them up!
00:27:54Anything else today?
00:27:56I think that'll be it
00:27:57Alright, just one minute
00:27:59We'll take care of your special order
00:28:01Alright
00:28:04It's the special sauce that makes it so much more enjoyable
00:28:13Jacks!
00:28:23Oh boy, Circus Sunday Supreme
00:28:264,000 calories of...
00:28:30What the hell is this?
00:28:33Wow, it's disgusting
00:28:34Oh crap, it's a headless rat!
00:28:39Where's the head?
00:28:44I'm off the scene
00:28:50Do you ever eat a jack?
00:28:53No, not unless my microwave is broke
00:28:56Not unless I'm feeling suicidal!
00:28:59We all know this
00:29:00Fast food is not the greatest thing in the world for us
00:29:04But there are just times when it's convenient
00:29:07You guys look in pretty good shape
00:29:09Do you get a lot of exercise?
00:29:11Do I get a lot of exercise?
00:29:13Yes, I do!
00:29:17But listen, it should not be a part of your everyday diet
00:29:22Hell yeah, I'll be coming over to your house like Batman
00:29:25He don't even leave without robbing
00:29:29It's easy
00:29:31You just don't have the time to go and get a proper meal
00:29:35So, it works
00:29:37That's what I'm talking about, I'll run my shit off
00:29:40Yeah, it does
00:29:42What's the grossest thing you've ever found in Jack's food?
00:29:45One time I found a roach
00:29:48A roach?
00:29:49Yeah
00:29:50What did you do with it?
00:29:52I smoked it
00:29:59Yeah, these are the first chicken chunks I've had on this sick adventure
00:30:10I can almost hear them clock
00:30:16Wow
00:30:18I don't know what chunk of the chicken this came off of
00:30:23I think it's the pecker
00:30:32These must be the nuggets
00:30:34Hehehehe
00:30:38Yowza
00:30:40Did you know that chicken is the only animal you eat before it's born and after it's dead?
00:30:46So, exactly what's in Jack's trapeze chicken chunks?
00:30:50We have an assortment of goodies in here actually
00:30:53You got your lips, your eyelids, belly buttons, ear lobes and assholes
00:30:59Oh, and an occasional foreskin
00:31:04Cough, cough, cough
00:31:09Hello?
00:31:11Hello?
00:31:12At Jack's, along with horrible food, usually comes horrible service
00:31:16Case in point
00:31:19Now, what the fuck do you want?
00:31:21Trying to order some food
00:31:23You want a corn dog, bitch?
00:31:25As a matter of fact
00:31:26We're closed, get the fuck out of here man
00:31:28You guys are fags
00:31:34Jack Beans
00:31:36Jack Beans
00:31:39Yeah, Jack Beans
00:31:40What?
00:31:41Jack Beans
00:31:42Jack Beans
00:31:43Jack Beans
00:31:44Come on
00:31:45Jack Beans
00:31:50Cool
00:31:52Jack's
00:31:54Yeah, I guess one of the negative side effects of this whole experiment
00:32:00Was one night I came home and I was a little hopped up from a few burgers
00:32:07And experienced a violent episode of void rage
00:32:11Well, unfortunately I took it out on the missus here
00:32:15Jack Beans
00:32:18Jack Beans
00:32:21Jack Beans
00:32:24Jack Beans
00:32:27Jack Beans
00:32:30Jack Beans
00:32:38Now listen, I know he's there
00:32:40Put Jack on the phone
00:32:42The public deserves to know the truth
00:32:48Damn
00:32:57What do you want?
00:32:58I'll have the dancing bear burger meal
00:33:00And Jack me
00:33:01Hey Leroy, sound like a homie
00:33:03What?
00:33:04I knew it, I told you
00:33:05Fuck you, man
00:33:06Your mama's so nasty she got Ricky riding a trailer
00:33:08Yeah, whatever
00:33:09Listen here you minimum wage making piece of shit
00:33:12Come on up to the window and I'll jack you up
00:33:14That's it
00:33:15Someone's getting jacked here
00:33:17It's not gonna be me
00:33:21Quit pulling my chain, man
00:33:28Jack Beans
00:33:30Jack Beans
00:33:33Jack Beans
00:33:35Do you know what a hormone is?
00:33:37Yeah, it's like you've got too much cholesterol
00:33:41He's full of hormones
00:33:42Supposedly blows up your meat
00:33:45It's like you can make more sex
00:33:47Makes you make more sex
00:33:49It's a chemical released by the brain to help the body do things
00:33:54Isn't that something your mama does?
00:33:56With the marshmallow breakdance
00:33:59Wait a minute, did he say marshmallow breakdance?
00:34:04With the marshmallow breakdance
00:34:07Marshmallow Pepsi breakdance
00:34:09It turns into food
00:34:11To the general public, hormones are pretty much a mystery
00:34:15Hormones are molecules that act as signals from one type of cell to another
00:34:21When hormones are increased at such a fast rate as with Jack's food
00:34:25This leads to gynecomastia
00:34:27Which means overly developmental lobules and stroma enlargement
00:34:32Basically, it gives you titties
00:34:35Something I haven't shared with everyone
00:34:38Is the last couple days
00:34:41I started developing breasts
00:34:47Um, come up here
00:34:51So, um, yeah, it started as this pressure in my chest
00:35:05And, uh, yeah, these things just grew out of nowhere
00:35:11But this morning, I looked in the mirror
00:35:15And we can guess what I did
00:35:18That's right, I put milk in my coffee
00:35:21You know, I saw a boy yesterday, 7 years old
00:35:25With a rack, made Pam Anderson look flatter in a TV dinner
00:35:29I feel a little heavier
00:35:31No offense, but you're no Karen Carpenter to begin with
00:35:36Wow!
00:35:37What, did I gain a lot?
00:35:39I don't know, did you see the ass on that intern there?
00:35:42Damn, she's fine
00:35:44Come on, Doc, how much did I gain?
00:35:48Whoa, about 10 pounds, you better slow down, kid
00:35:55You may want to invest in a training bra
00:36:00It's the Orca Show!
00:36:02Welcome back, everyone
00:36:04We're here with Moron Spermlick, a filmmaker
00:36:07Well, actually, it's video
00:36:09Whatever, White Britain
00:36:11So, I hear you on a 30-day diet of Jack's food
00:36:16So how you doing health-wise?
00:36:18Not bad for a man with honkers
00:36:20Damn, Conway Titty, that was real?
00:36:23Oh yeah, and this is just after a few days of eating Jack's hormone-filled food
00:36:29So, what's next? You gonna keep going?
00:36:33Whole 30 days?
00:36:35Shut up, bitch, I'm talking here
00:36:38Well, if I live through the rest of this month
00:36:41I'm thinking about doing a whole series of 30-day stunts
00:36:45Tired
00:36:46Dude, that's played out
00:36:48One-trick ponies only work in bestiality films
00:36:52Take me, for instance
00:36:54This show has something new every time
00:36:56Keep it new, keep it new
00:36:58Well, I mean, I'm gonna change it up every month
00:37:01How?
00:37:02Well, next month I'm gonna punk for speed at truck stops for 30 days
00:37:06Okay
00:37:07Then I'm gonna embark on a 30-day diet of Gila monster semen
00:37:11We get it
00:37:12Then it's 30 days of dry-humping lawn fur
00:37:15Okay, we get it
00:37:16Followed by 30 days of huffing dirty laundry in a trailer park
00:37:19Thank you, everybody, for tuning in
00:37:21We'll see you same time tomorrow
00:37:23Oh, God, how could she stand in?
00:37:25Listen, everyone, please, cut the commercial
00:37:27Cut, cut, you little stupid
00:37:29Don't you ever hit a woman on my show
00:37:32Yeah, let me get two big-top tacos, the three-ring onions, and a suicide soda
00:37:43I don't know, man
00:37:47It's like nobody understands me
00:37:51And I feel so depressed
00:37:57Shit
00:38:02I took his PMS
00:38:10I don't know, man
00:38:12I'm getting pretty bored with this menu
00:38:15Tonight I got the clown-around-corndog combo
00:38:21And a gallon of caramel apple soda
00:38:26I got the cramps, too
00:38:28Sorry if I'm a little bitchy, Andy
00:38:58Yeah
00:39:01Yeah
00:39:28Yeah
00:39:29Yeah
00:39:57Jack, Jack
00:39:58We got a real problem
00:39:59Ronald's cutting into our profits big time
00:40:02We gotta do something about it
00:40:07No, honey, I told you I'm leaving the office
00:40:10I'll work my nose off today
00:40:15Hooray, McPrickface
00:40:17You took my business, Ronnie
00:40:19Now I'm gonna take your life
00:40:21Hey, hey, let's talk about this, clown to clown
00:40:24All right, then
00:40:29Die, pussies
00:40:45Jack's even supplies our local schools with his garbage food
00:40:48And many prisons as well
00:40:50In a recent prison poll, we discovered that most prison riots
00:40:54Erupted after the consumption of Jack's shit-filled food
00:41:03With Jack's formulated market strategies
00:41:06The kids today don't stand a chance
00:41:09Hey there, kids
00:41:10I'm gonna show you some pictures of some people
00:41:13And you try to guess who they are
00:41:16Okay?
00:41:17Here's the first one
00:41:20Yeah
00:41:21George Washington
00:41:23I don't know
00:41:24Who might this be?
00:41:26I don't know
00:41:28George W. Bush
00:41:29Right
00:41:30Are you gay?
00:41:32Do you like pitching or catching?
00:41:34And this one?
00:41:37I don't know who that is
00:41:39Oh, that one, Jeremy
00:41:40Very good
00:41:41And how about this guy?
00:41:44Jack
00:41:45That's easy, that's Jack
00:41:47Very good
00:41:48Hey, do you have any booze?
00:41:50Really, man?
00:41:51So obviously these kids know Jack
00:41:53And Ron Jeremy
00:42:10So, have you ever eaten at Jack's?
00:42:12Dude, only when I'm broke
00:42:13But that ain't been lately
00:42:15Any advice on staying slim?
00:42:17Hell yeah
00:42:18Fuck your fat ass and ride a bike or something, dude
00:42:21I mean, you gotta handle your scandal
00:42:29So, have you ever tried Jack's Big Tuck Burger?
00:42:33Yeah
00:42:34Once
00:42:36How was it?
00:42:38You kidding me?
00:42:39That shit was tougher than Lance Armstrong's scrotum
00:42:42Hmm, I'll have to try that one
00:42:45Whatever it is
00:42:48I love fast food
00:42:49I love fast food
00:42:51Even if it takes forever
00:42:53I love fast food
00:42:57I love it
00:42:59Kids across the nation are being emotionally and physically terrorized by eating this trash
00:43:06And we're not gonna take it anymore
00:43:08Jack, you better watch your greasy ass
00:43:11They have some cool toys
00:43:13Jack's is famous for toddler branded toys
00:43:15The dolls
00:43:16The games
00:43:17There's Jack Gannon
00:43:18Jackopoly
00:43:19And his latest video game, Jumpin' Jacks
00:43:24So, my little Martha comes home the other day
00:43:26With this kids meals doll
00:43:28And she's playing with it
00:43:30And everything's going really well
00:43:32And then she starts to undress it, like kids do
00:43:35And...
00:43:37Oh my god, that just isn't right
00:43:39What are they doing over there?
00:43:42Oh ho ho ho ho
00:43:44This onslaught of marketing
00:43:46Is aimed at grooming the new Biles
00:43:48To serve Jack for life
00:43:50Jack
00:43:51Well, time for your first blood test
00:43:55You nervous?
00:43:56Not even
00:43:57Shit
00:43:58I got more blood in my stool now
00:44:01Than a poodle has pumping through its veins
00:44:05Jack wasn't always a total asshole
00:44:10But I do remember the day he snapped
00:44:13Like it was yesterday
00:44:18Dad, can I go to the store?
00:44:21Sure kids
00:44:23Just be careful crossing the street
00:44:26Ha ha ha ha
00:44:28Ha ha ha ha
00:44:30Ha ha ha ha
00:44:33Ha ha ha ha
00:44:35Oh shit
00:44:36Oh shit
00:44:37Oh shit
00:44:38Oh shit
00:44:39Oh shit
00:44:40Oh shit
00:44:41Oh shit
00:44:54This poor little shit
00:44:57What's going on in here?
00:44:59Are you giving away my secrets again?
00:45:01Jack, honey, relax
00:45:04You relax, you old fucker
00:45:13Jack has even penetrated our school system
00:45:21I will help
00:45:25What's the grossest thing you ever found in your food here?
00:45:28Um
00:45:31Hares, that's all
00:45:33An ear
00:45:34A human ear
00:45:35I ate it, I was hungry
00:45:37I mean, there's spit every once in a while
00:45:39That maggot, yeah, that was pretty bad
00:45:41There's like bone and blood and stuff
00:45:43How about the dead hamster, I think?
00:45:44I think we shouldn't beat around the dead hamster
00:45:47Well, one morning I woke up in bed
00:45:49And there was a pool of chili under me
00:45:51And, well, it might not have been chili, but
00:45:54Uh, this is pretty much the worst
00:45:58Piece of shit that I've ever had
00:46:00Have you, um, experienced any, uh
00:46:03Psychological trauma from eating the food here?
00:46:07Yeah, at night I just lay awake
00:46:09And I just can't stop thinking about my impending death
00:46:13I have been sexually harassed, Jax
00:46:15A man came at me with a fry in a sexual manner
00:46:18Have you ever met Jack?
00:46:20Yeah, he gave me an autograph
00:46:23On my last nut
00:46:29I mean, how can you shovel this shit down these teenagers' necks?
00:46:34Well, it's pretty easy
00:46:36Give us money and we feed them
00:46:38But look, she's got two Big Top tacos
00:46:42Cotton candy
00:46:44And a Sideshow soda?
00:46:46I mean, this is outrageous
00:46:48Yeah, and you know what else is outrageous?
00:46:50What's that?
00:46:51Your titties are bigger than hers
00:46:53Now I'm not answering any more questions
00:46:55Talk to Don Camposano
00:46:57He's our union food rep
00:47:06We feed all the schools in the neighborhood
00:47:08And most of the prisons in the state, too
00:47:11Come on, let's take a walk
00:47:16Hey, what's this in here?
00:47:18Uh, that's not-
00:47:19Oh my God, is that-
00:47:20That's sugar, isn't it?
00:47:21What-
00:47:22Hey, get out of here, huh?
00:47:23Can't a guy get a little privacy around here?
00:47:25That ain't sugar
00:47:29You got some good shit here, man
00:47:31Oh yeah? Was this stuff frozen?
00:47:33Well, of course
00:47:34How do you think we keep it fresh?
00:47:36So, can I see your freezer?
00:47:38Of course you can
00:47:39Let's go
00:47:43Okay, this is where the-
00:47:45The really good stuff for these little-
00:47:47Little shitheads are
00:47:49This is the corn chips
00:47:51And, you know, tortillas
00:47:53All that white flour stuff
00:47:55That they love, okay?
00:47:57And over here we got
00:47:59The basic sweets
00:48:01White sugar
00:48:02Which is really, really good for them
00:48:04It messes with the teachers
00:48:06Because it messes with their attention span
00:48:09And over here we have Jack's Frozen Hot Wings
00:48:11I think he calls them his
00:48:13High Wire Hot Wings
00:48:14Or some shit like that
00:48:16And-
00:48:17Oh, shit
00:48:18Get that camera out of here
00:48:19Get it out of here
00:48:20Louie
00:48:21Wait, come on, man
00:48:22This ain't funny
00:48:23Louie, wake up
00:48:24Oh, shit
00:48:25Come on, man
00:48:26This ain't funny
00:48:31Jack's no good
00:48:32Last time I ate there
00:48:34My stomach
00:48:35Felt like
00:48:36Bruce Lee punching
00:48:40I feel I ate
00:48:41A bad poodle there
00:48:46Jack
00:48:47Don't eat there
00:48:48You'll eat to death
00:48:51Jack is no good
00:49:00Oh, let's see
00:49:02Ah, tasty local dish
00:49:04Yeah, give me the kung fu combo
00:49:07Yeah
00:49:08We are out of it
00:49:09Can you order something else?
00:49:11Hmm
00:49:12Oh, shit, man
00:49:13That's the one I really want
00:49:14Don't you understand, Raw Eye?
00:49:16We're out of it
00:49:17I told you to order something else, bitch
00:49:20Do you have anything that's like that?
00:49:22Similar?
00:49:25Get the hell out of here, fuckface
00:49:37And it seems that even the teachers
00:49:39And phys ed instructors
00:49:41Are poisoned by the Jack plague
00:49:43So, do you think our kids are getting enough
00:49:45Exercise in our schoolyards these days?
00:49:47Oh, yeah
00:49:48Over here we got the boys basketball
00:49:53And over here we got the girls soccer
00:49:56Damn, I like to bend that like Beckham
00:49:59Do you like the food served here at school?
00:50:01Yeah
00:50:02Yeah, it's pretty good
00:50:03It's good
00:50:04What's your favorite thing to eat here?
00:50:06The Crazy Clown Kid's Meal
00:50:07Yeah, it's great
00:50:08We don't even have to go to Jack's anymore
00:50:10Exactly, the food comes to us
00:50:12Right here in the cafeteria
00:50:14It's sweet
00:50:16Come on now
00:50:17You know these kids are getting jacked
00:50:19Just look at them
00:50:20Cooper, pass the goddamn ball, you little ball hog
00:50:23He's a hog, all right
00:50:25Coach, fast food is killing these innocent kids
00:50:28Listen, Mr. Movie Guy, whoever you think you are
00:50:31These are good kids
00:50:32The last thing we need is some wannabe biker fag
00:50:34Coming around here and screwing things up
00:50:38And you smoke?
00:50:40Oh, yeah
00:50:41A lot?
00:50:42Yeah, I go through maybe two, three lighters a day
00:50:45Hey, low pitch
00:50:50The coach gets angry too much at us
00:50:52Yeah, we don't really like him
00:50:54He's a loser
00:50:55I hate him
00:50:56Anderson, put that hustler down and give me 20
00:50:59I don't think that kid can do push-ups right now
00:51:01Listen, this isn't healthy
00:51:03What are you talking about, this isn't healthy?
00:51:06These kids are okay, you butt lick
00:51:08O to the K
00:51:10Why don't you take your handlebar mustache
00:51:13And ride it back to Frisco, you big homo
00:51:25Hey, time's up
00:51:27Get your fat asses inside
00:51:34I want pizza
00:51:36I want pizza
00:51:39I want pizza
00:51:41Don't eat no pizza
00:51:43I want pizza
00:51:45I want pizza
00:51:47Does the public even realize what's in a sack of Jack's?
00:51:50I mean, we know that Jack targets the kids
00:51:53But what about us, the adults?
00:51:55So I went in search of a nutritional fact sheet to Jack
00:51:59Hey, can I get a Jack's fact sheet?
00:52:01You can fill it up
00:52:06Do you have a Jack's fact sheet?
00:52:08A who?
00:52:10Nutritional information sheet
00:52:12I didn't know we don't
00:52:14Does your food have hormones in it?
00:52:16I can't read it, what happened to you?
00:52:18Hi, can I get a nutrition sheet?
00:52:21What you want to know?
00:52:23I want to know what's in Jack's food
00:52:26Torn out cookouts, roaches, all kinds of nasty ass shit
00:52:31Well, you can see that Jack likes to hide the facts
00:52:34I couldn't find one lousy nutrition sheet anywhere
00:52:37Too many calories, I'm dry, this is where the calories go
00:52:42So, in summation, as you can see from the chart
00:52:45Your company's profits have been in a sharp decline much of the past year
00:52:48Except for a very small spike here
00:52:50What happened there?
00:52:52Well, that's when your rival, Ronald McDoodle, was found dead lying on the pavement
00:52:56Now listen, the point is this
00:52:58Jack's is very image-challenged
00:53:01But that is why I'm here
00:53:02I'm going to help Jack's evoke a new, public-friendly image
00:53:07Listen, sugar house
00:53:09I'm one of the last public to try to fix my image
00:53:12Jack, wake up and smell the poontang
00:53:15Bad press is murder in this business
00:53:17Why, just the other night
00:53:19I saw some dropout film school fag on the Orca show
00:53:22Talking about how bad your food was for people to eat
00:53:25I don't watch that shitty show
00:53:27What you need is damage control
00:53:29B.S., what we need is a new sandwich
00:53:32Jack, you care to do the honors?
00:53:34Have a seat, Sally
00:53:35It's Sheila
00:53:37Oh, whatever
00:53:38Are you ready out there, Roxy?
00:53:40Introducing the new
00:53:43Jack Rabbit Burger
00:53:49Rabbit meat?
00:53:50Are you serious?
00:53:52It's lean, it's abundant
00:53:54It's cheap
00:53:55No way, you guys, the public will freak
00:53:58Listen, Shirley
00:53:59It's Sheila
00:54:01Whatever
00:54:03She hasn't even heard the slogan yet
00:54:06All right, well, let's hear it
00:54:08The new Jack Rabbit Burger
00:54:10This time you'll be glad the rabbit died
00:54:14Yes!
00:54:15And this is your solution
00:54:17Pumping toxic hormones into little bunny burgers?
00:54:20I'd rather be pumping that bunny
00:54:23That can be arranged
00:54:25And you got an awful big bush
00:54:27Trying to come in here and turn our business sideways
00:54:31No shit!
00:54:32Speaking of bush, I'd like to sink my teeth into that pelt
00:54:36Yeah
00:54:37Done!
00:54:38For your information, boys
00:54:40I happen to have a degree in marketing and advertising
00:54:43I can't believe it
00:54:45What, that I have a degree?
00:54:47No, that you're still here
00:54:50Listen, dammit
00:54:52Give us a minute alone here, Roxy
00:54:54And leave the burger
00:54:56I want this thing here to take a bite
00:54:59Hey, now, come on
00:55:01Show us those bunny breaths
00:55:05Kapow!
00:55:06High five!
00:55:08That is it!
00:55:09I've had enough with both of you
00:55:13Oh, chill, Cheryl
00:55:16For the last time, it's Sheila, dickbrat!
00:55:19And I've got the floor now
00:55:21As for you, you big ball-headed, egotistical
00:55:25Or should I say testicle, sad excuse for a circus clown
00:55:29Go ahead and run your company to the ground, see if I care
00:55:32The worst that's gonna happen is people might actually live a little bit longer
00:55:36I must have been smoking crack to think I could work with a couple of shitlicks like you
00:55:40Now wait a minute, we were just razzing you a little
00:55:45Suck my tit
00:55:53High five!
00:55:59Hey, can I get the bumper car bacon biscuit and the ponytail potato pieces?
00:56:11Well, the last time I saw this much trash was at my family reunion
00:56:22Up yours! I'm not quitting now
00:56:26Yeah, I know it's only eight in the morning
00:56:29So I'm drinking a goddamn beer
00:56:31Get over it
00:56:34I don't know, man
00:56:36I don't know if it's worth it
00:56:39My body's a wreck
00:56:42Then I got my first period
00:56:46That was a nightmare
00:56:50I don't know, man
00:56:52I don't know if it's worth it
00:56:54I don't know, man
00:56:56I don't know if it's worth it
00:56:58I don't know, man
00:57:00That was a nightmare
00:57:05What the hell have I done?
00:57:09So, you've been really down in the dumps, huh?
00:57:14Yeah
00:57:16Well, if it's any consolation, I must say that your drugs look fabulous
00:57:22Thanks, that's a push-up bra
00:57:25I have your chart here
00:57:28I'm afraid the results aren't good
00:57:31Maura, do you want to end up a big fat bloated pig with a hog's face and an elephant's ass?
00:57:41Oh, hey honey, I was just talking about you
00:57:45One second, it's my wife
00:57:47And there's only one item on Jack's menu that doesn't contain sugar or hormones
00:57:52It's the water
00:57:54Jack's secret circus water
00:57:58Some Jack's restaurants offer salads to appease the critics
00:58:02But the roughage is genetically modified and about as appetizing as, well, you get it
00:58:09How about up there?
00:58:11I'm feeling a little bloated
00:58:13You look radiant, get up there
00:58:19See, it's only two pounds
00:58:21And I bet you that's all booby
00:58:23Hey, aren't you going to buy me dinner first?
00:58:26First?
00:58:37Man, this stuff's like crack
00:58:40I was feeling horrible
00:58:42But once I got some Jack's in me, I was feeling alive again
00:58:52Oh honey, give me a beer
00:58:57Yeah
00:59:02Hey, get out of here man, I'm trying to back one out
00:59:07Oh mommy, I'm so scared
00:59:10Sing me that little song you used to sing me when I was five
00:59:14Oh you big fat pussy, suck it up
00:59:16The next thing you're going to tell me is you're growing tits
00:59:26I'm a big fat pussy, I'm a big fat pussy
00:59:29I'm a big fat pussy, I'm a big fat pussy
00:59:32I'm a big fat pussy, I'm a big fat pussy
00:59:34As you can see, I now crave Jack's food all the time
00:59:38In fact, I've been having strange cravings a lot lately
00:59:42I hope that weirdo I met behind the homeless shelter didn't knock me out
00:59:47Not to mention I've gained quite a few pounds
00:59:50And sprouted some decent melons
00:59:53And my favorite part of the day
00:59:56Laying around, eating Jack's
01:00:00Watching my tits grow
01:00:05Good times
01:00:09So we enlisted a couple of nutritionists to call Jack's headquarters
01:00:13And see if they could recommend any healthy items off their menu
01:00:17So how often do you recommend eating at Jack's?
01:00:20That depends, how long do you want to live?
01:00:23And what's the healthiest item I can eat at a Jack's restaurant?
01:00:27Probably the napkins
01:00:31But how could I have a tumor?
01:00:33I've only had them for a couple of weeks
01:00:35I keep trying to tell you it's Jack's crappy food
01:00:39A man your age should be having a vasectomy, not a mastectomy
01:00:43So you want to hear the good news?
01:00:45Sure
01:00:47We only have to remove one
01:00:49Oh, great
01:00:50So now I'm going to be running around town with just one tit swinging?
01:00:53Moron, don't worry
01:00:55It's a fairly simple procedure that I've performed on at least half a dozen farm animals
01:01:00Come on, don't be a pussy
01:01:02Jack B.!
01:01:04Jack B.!
01:01:06Jack B.!
01:01:08Jack B.!
01:01:10Jack B.!
01:01:12Jack B.!
01:01:14Jack B.!
01:01:16Jack B.!
01:01:18Jack B.!
01:01:20I was just getting attached to that thing
01:01:22Yeah
01:01:32Oh man
01:01:40I'm having hot flashes
01:01:43I just soiled the bed
01:01:45It's like two in the morning
01:01:48Oh boy, my bandages need changing
01:01:53I think I've finally hit rock bottom
01:02:03I just ate a cheeseburger
01:02:27Screw your life up!
01:02:28Your body officially hates you!
01:02:30Stop this before you die!
01:02:35Gina, get your big butt in here and get me some coffee
01:02:41Yeah, I'm really scared
01:02:43I can't remember ever feeling this bad
01:02:46Except that time you wanted to experiment
01:02:49And that vibrator knocked out all my teeth
01:02:52Thanks, honey
01:02:53I love you, too
01:02:55All right, goodbye
01:03:01Joe
01:03:03Joe
01:03:05Joe
01:03:07Years ago, I took an oath
01:03:09To look out for the best interest of my patients
01:03:13Joe, I've been asking myself
01:03:16If I am indeed doing that
01:03:20See, Moron doesn't have any friends
01:03:25Except for maybe his old gutter slut mother
01:03:29And she's been in and out of jail
01:03:31Throughout most of his pathetic life
01:03:38Now she's in a mental rehab facility
01:03:40Out in Claremont
01:03:48And I think this whole experiment
01:03:50Is a result of many years of pain and neglect
01:03:59Poor Moron
01:04:01Those who risk everything
01:04:03Usually don't have much to live for
01:04:25As soon as I got out of San Quentin
01:04:27My very first bus stop was right here
01:04:30So I got out and took a crap
01:04:32Right there
01:04:34So I came over to the counter
01:04:36And experienced my very first Big Top Burger
01:04:39Last year I ate 2,148 burgers
01:04:43I think I hold the world's record
01:04:46You ever run out of money and get a Big Top Jones?
01:04:49Ah, hell no
01:04:50One trip to the men's room I can make 20 bucks
01:04:52Same room I crapped in 10 years ago
01:04:57Wow, Big Top Burger number 20,000
01:05:01That looks real
01:05:14Thanks a lot Don
01:05:16Hey, you want to make a quick 20 bucks?
01:05:18Oh my God
01:05:25My artwork is all about Jack
01:05:28He fascinates me
01:05:30I spent hours on this masterpiece
01:05:33Nice
01:05:34This is me
01:05:37And this is Jack holding a sword
01:05:40He has me chained up
01:05:42So that I'll eat all the crumbs
01:05:44Of his dirty floor
01:05:46Very nice
01:05:47And this one
01:05:49Jack is bitch slapping me the kingdom come
01:05:53Because I spilled a jar of scalding hot mayonnaise
01:05:57All over his lap
01:05:59Cool, cool
01:06:01Oh shit
01:06:03This one's not finished yet
01:06:09Put Jack on the phone I said
01:06:11Sorry pal, he went bowling
01:06:13Well you tell him the jig is up
01:06:15Screw you
01:06:17And screw you too
01:06:19I mean this is hard for me to do
01:06:21I mean people need to know about Jack
01:06:23They need to know the truth
01:06:26See, back in college
01:06:28We used to eat Jack's all the time
01:06:32Who knew?
01:06:34Who knew?
01:06:35Well I gotta go
01:06:36It's time for my self breast exam
01:06:37I do one every hour
01:06:38You know, you can never be too careful
01:06:41Yeah, we traced the calls back to his trailer
01:06:44No shit
01:06:51Hey moron
01:06:52Whoa
01:06:53You're barking up the wrong bush queer bitch
01:06:56Easy Jack, what are you talking about?
01:06:58The TV shows, the phone calls
01:07:00That wasn't me, I don't even know your number
01:07:03Well I got yours punk
01:07:05And if I got one more report of you snooping around
01:07:08I'll make panties out of your ass
01:07:11And soda out of your piss
01:07:14Yeah
01:07:37Actually he is one of our better dancers
01:07:40I got you Jack! I love Jack!
01:07:52I'm crazy for Jack!
01:08:04I got you Jack!
01:08:11Jack rules!
01:08:14Do you know where Jack's headquarters is?
01:08:16No, he's always in an office in his commercials.
01:08:19I don't know where it is. Is this San Diego? I don't know where it is.
01:08:22Yeah, up the road, hang a left, follow the trail of dead animals.
01:08:29So now we have what are called Jack-Heads.
01:08:32These people that'll do just about anything to wolf down that next fight.
01:08:36Just the other week I heard of these kids in Iowa that stabbed a Jack's employee in the neck with a sharpened corn dog stick.
01:08:43Jack attacks, not a pretty sight.
01:08:46Jack-Heads are popping up everywhere these days. It's pretty scary.
01:08:50And no one really knows the long-term effects of Jack's food.
01:08:54When these hormones saturate our brain functions, they confuse the neurotransmitters,
01:08:59causing severe mental derangement, mood swings, and anxiety.
01:09:04In other words, it'll make you crazier than a cross-eyed crack whore.
01:09:23Yeah, I was strung out on Jack's for years.
01:09:26I still think about all the people I hurt when I was high on Jack's.
01:09:30My friends, my old ladies.
01:09:34I fractured my grandma's skull with a chain off a minibike for crying out loud.
01:09:39Well, actually, she kinda deserved it.
01:09:42She took some of my fries.
01:09:44Without asking.
01:09:52Listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me!
01:09:55I'm done with you!
01:09:57Every day it's the same thing!
01:09:59You get up, you wash your ass,
01:10:02Jack's company gave me a restraining order to stay off their property, see?
01:10:07But I'm their only son.
01:10:09My daddy Jack's a deadbeat. He says I'm not his. I'm not his.
01:10:13And why do I look just like him, huh? Huh?
01:10:22My favorite song is Pastor O'Muppet. It goes a little bit like this.
01:10:27I don't know what I'm saying, I'm out of there, I'm out of there.
01:10:30Give me that bucket!
01:10:32I'm ready to rock!
01:10:51And I said I put down a debt.
01:10:57What the hell?
01:11:03I'm here to speak to Jack.
01:11:05Sorry, I can't help you.
01:11:07Come on, you sure you can't just let me see him?
01:11:09No. Sorry, there's nothing I can do.
01:11:11You sure about that?
01:11:12Yeah. Sorry, I can't help you. You need to get out of here.
01:11:14You sure there isn't something I can do?
01:11:16Nothing that comes to mind.
01:11:17Yeah?
01:11:27I finally done it. I got past security.
01:11:39Where's Jack?
01:11:40Let me call you right back.
01:11:42Who the hell are you?
01:11:44I'm your company's worst fear.
01:11:47The FDA?
01:11:49No, I'm making a movie about the damage that your company does to America.
01:11:53So what do you want to know?
01:11:55Let's start with the simple questions first.
01:11:58Okay.
01:11:59How would you describe Jack's food?
01:12:04Bowel packing?
01:12:05I have something I want to show you.
01:12:07Hey, hey, hey, I'm married.
01:12:09Holy cyclops, kid!
01:12:12What do you have to say about this?
01:12:15Where do you shop for bras?
01:12:17This is from the hormones in your fat-ridden food.
01:12:20Hogwash! Fat-ridden?
01:12:23We have a lot of low-calorie items on our menu.
01:12:26Do you even know what a calorie is?
01:12:28A calorie?
01:12:30Yeah, a calorie.
01:12:32Starts with a C, an S.
01:12:35Calorie.
01:12:36Lettuce!
01:12:37Find out what a calorie is.
01:12:39So, how did such an imbecile get a job like this?
01:12:44Well, Times Sanitation Department really wasn't hiring.
01:12:48Well, it's no secret.
01:12:50You used to work for your competitors.
01:12:52Competitors?
01:12:53McDoodles.
01:12:56Well, okay, okay, you got me.
01:12:58They let me go, but it could have happened to anybody.
01:13:02Why?
01:13:03Money laundering, fraud, embezzlement, sexual harassment.
01:13:08They dropped that one.
01:13:10I gotta go.
01:13:12Well, if you're waiting on the Food Channel, they're not coming.
01:13:15Our food is an icon of health.
01:13:19Come in, come in.
01:13:20Just a second.
01:13:22Sorry, Mr. Singer.
01:13:23We finished making patties.
01:13:25Our hands are killing us.
01:13:27Can we take a break?
01:13:29Okay, take 20 minutes, but put down 30.
01:13:32All right.
01:13:33Okay.
01:13:35Do any of you guys know what a calorie is?
01:13:38No.
01:13:39Huh.
01:13:40Okay, you can go.
01:13:44It's a miracle these guys are even alive.
01:13:47It's a miracle they even speak English.
01:13:51Did you know Jack hires illegal aliens?
01:13:53No comprende.
01:13:54Hey, get back here.
01:13:55Speak English.
01:13:56Come here.
01:13:57I mean, how do you sleep at night?
01:13:59Usually in the nude.
01:14:01I gotta go.
01:14:02I have an appointment.
01:14:03So pack your shit and bounce, honky.
01:14:15Why do you think there's no fast food joints in Beverly Hills?
01:14:18Because I think people in Beverly Hills are really snotty,
01:14:20and they wouldn't go to a fast food.
01:14:22They could afford something more expensive,
01:14:24and so that's probably where they go.
01:14:26Man, they ain't got no Jack Shacks in the 210.
01:14:30They don't even feed that shit to their pets.
01:14:38Just one more day to go.
01:14:42As I reflect back on my experience,
01:14:45I just wonder,
01:14:47was it all worth it?
01:15:03Come on, moron.
01:15:04One more day to go.
01:15:06Let's see how much you've gained.
01:15:09Wow.
01:15:10You look good in diapers.
01:15:14I'm sorry.
01:15:30Will that complete your order,
01:15:32or would you like something else today, sir?
01:15:34Yeah, a side show salad, thank you.
01:15:37Hey, motherfucker, give me some change.
01:15:39Yeah, hold on.
01:15:40My mama said give him some change, Peckerwood.
01:15:42One second.
01:15:43One second.
01:15:44Yeah, Jack me.
01:15:45Hey, one-titty motherfucker,
01:15:46I'm gonna jack you right now.
01:15:47Jack me!
01:15:50Jack me!
01:15:53Jack me!
01:15:55Jack me!
01:15:58Jack me!
01:16:01Jack me!
01:16:04Fuck this.
01:16:06Come on, Jack.
01:16:07It's time to take this guy out.
01:16:08What's the problem?
01:16:09The problem is,
01:16:10he's my best customer!
01:16:12Jack, let me handle it.
01:16:15I got this, Jack!
01:16:17Wait a minute, that sounds a little weird.
01:16:20I know what you mean.
01:16:32Well, this is it.
01:16:33The final test.
01:16:35Over the course of 30 days,
01:16:37I gained 28 pounds,
01:16:39puked my guts out,
01:16:41threw knockers,
01:16:42had one removed,
01:16:44shit a river of jacked juice,
01:16:46fashioned a diaper,
01:16:48got my ass kicked and carjacked,
01:16:50only one more meal to go.
01:17:12Hey, how's it been?
01:17:20What's wrong with you, boy?
01:17:22You look like you're having a bad life.
01:17:24I guess so.
01:17:25What do you mean, you guess so?
01:17:27Hey, how would you feel about getting naked
01:17:28and watching Chuck Norris movies?
01:17:30Huh?
01:17:31Dad?
01:17:32Son?
01:17:33Ah, shit!
01:17:34Take it easy!
01:17:35Ah!
01:17:36Ah!
01:17:37Ah!
01:17:38Ah!
01:17:39Ah!
01:17:40Ah!
01:17:44Get your ass back in here, boy!
01:17:46I need to talk to you!
01:17:48Ah!
01:17:49Ah!
01:17:50Ah!
01:18:11Where is that dildo?
01:18:18Say goodbye, moron!
01:18:34What happened to you, man?
01:18:36Hey, look, it's Jack!
01:18:38Jack!
01:18:40Hey, what happened?
01:18:42I don't know, man, he just keeled over.
01:18:44Oh, God, it must have been something he ate!
01:18:47Yeah.
01:18:48He almost made it!
01:18:54Die!
01:18:59Just die!
01:19:02Die!
01:19:07Die!
01:19:12Just die!
01:19:20Oh, shit!
01:19:21I've forgotten my Bible.
01:19:23Does anyone have a Bible handy?
01:19:26Come on, Father, let's get this over with.
01:19:29Really, man, I gotta take a crap.
01:19:34Moron was a good man.
01:19:36With lots of friends.
01:19:38Yeah, right.
01:19:42You are one funny guy, Doc.
01:19:45Let's blow this graveyard and go get loaded.
01:19:47Oh, Doctor, you put the fun in funeral.
01:19:51I guess he won't be needing you anymore.
01:20:22Oh, shit!
01:20:35Electrocute Jack!
01:20:51Jack Bane!
01:20:53Jack Bane!
01:20:56Jack Bane!
01:20:59Jack Bane!
01:21:02Jack Bane!
01:21:05Jack Bane!
01:21:22Jack Bane!
01:21:32Jack Bane!
01:21:35Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
01:22:05Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
01:22:35Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
01:23:05ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
01:23:35ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
01:24:05ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
01:24:35ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
01:25:05It's just a turkey, a two-toed turkey
01:25:11It's a turkey
01:25:15RUN!
01:25:22Take three, FIGHT!
01:25:28Stick it!
01:25:29Stick it!
01:25:34He doesn't care about mowing the lawn
01:25:36I'm a pig now, baby, I'm a pig, pig, pig
01:25:39He only cares about porking your mom
01:25:41I'm a pig now, baby, pig
01:25:44He goes out on Friday night
01:25:46And takes off his pants cause it feels alright
01:25:50Third down, forty to go
01:25:52This two-toed turkey is ready to go, go, go!
01:25:55He's just a turkey, a two-toed turkey
01:25:58Gangsta!