It Burns When I Laugh

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https://amzn.to/3SNrvho

Transcript

00:00:00I love you, baby, baby, say it right through and through

00:00:20I love you in spite of all the prayers I thank you

00:00:25I ain't running around drinking, staying out all night

00:00:30It's gonna take a lot of thinking to figure that it's right

00:00:35Oh, oh, and I'm never gonna get enough

00:00:38It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:00:42You're a hot ball of flame, you burn me up

00:00:47You're a love I cannot take

00:00:49Oh, oh, and I'm never gonna get enough

00:00:52It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:22It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:27It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:32It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:37It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:42It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:47It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:51It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:01:56It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:01It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:06It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:11It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:16It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:21It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:26It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:31It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:36It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:42It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:47It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:52It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:02:57It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:03:02It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up

00:03:07Well, excuse me, I apologize

00:03:10I have not introduced my friend, confidant

00:03:14And dare I say, a significant other

00:03:18Mr. Lance Manshaft

00:03:20Well, finally, thank you Miss Manners

00:03:23Well, whatever you know about manners

00:03:26I was the one who taught you

00:03:28I remember years and years and years ago

00:03:30Up at Raymond Burr's house

00:03:32Well, you were so busy oogling the pool boy

00:03:35You couldn't even remember what fork to use

00:03:38So there

00:03:45Hey, are you sure we're going the right way?

00:03:48That's what Eileen said

00:03:50She said it was a rural drive

00:03:52Yeah, uh, rural, that's a good definition

00:03:54This is definitely rural

00:03:58This road better empty out into the town soon

00:04:02You know, Eileen and I were probably playing in someone's house for the kid folk

00:04:06We don't get lost out here

00:04:09That was scary, okay

00:04:10That sounded just like some line out of a B-movie

00:04:12You know, it's like

00:04:14Hope you guys aren't planning on taking me out of the woods here

00:04:16And killing me in some sort of satanic ritual or some shit

00:04:20Oh shit, you found us out, Cheryl

00:04:22Must have seen the goat's head in my suitcase

00:04:25Better call Xavier and tell him the plan's off

00:04:27We'll need to find another virgin

00:04:29You ever notice how

00:04:31Prettier an area is, the uglier the people are?

00:04:35That's because they gotta have something pretty to look at

00:04:37They gotta have something to look forward to

00:04:39Could you imagine me stuck in some nasty ass town

00:04:41Surrounded by a bunch of ugly motherfuckers?

00:04:43Actually, yes, I can

00:04:45It's called doing Fred Schilling's gig in North Dakota

00:04:47I don't think I've ever done that gig

00:04:49What part of North Dakota?

00:04:51I don't know the name of the town

00:04:53Actually, I think it was called Nasty Ass Town, North Dakota

00:04:57I think I want to work that gig

00:04:58Doesn't sound like there's a lot of pudding out there

00:05:00Pudding?

00:05:02You know, like chicks

00:05:04No, like road pudding, you know, groupies

00:05:21Hi, how are you?

00:05:23Good

00:05:26Hey, you didn't even do a show when you're already in, bro

00:05:29That's a lot of pudding

00:05:31That's what I call rude tapioca

00:05:33Not nice

00:05:37What's up with the film crew, gentlemen?

00:05:39We're picking up banjo

00:05:41Oh, uh, we did comics for tonight

00:05:43We're shooting a documentary on stand-up comedy

00:05:47The show's been cancelled

00:05:52What do you mean? Nobody told us

00:05:55After the incident last week, I told Eileen it just wasn't going to work

00:06:00What incident?

00:06:04John, have a seat

00:06:06Please

00:06:14Now, you comfortable?

00:06:16Can't get you anything?

00:06:19All right, now I'm going to talk and you guys are going to listen

00:06:23Last week, one of your brethren insulted one of my better patrons, Big Lenny

00:06:27Patrons? More like denizens

00:06:30I said without comment

00:06:36Anyway, he insulted Big Lenny because he called his mother a whore

00:06:41Now, that's not the issue because, in fact, she is a whore

00:06:44And a very fine whore, old school

00:06:47Most of the guys in this bar have written the passage to manhood in her velvet saddle

00:06:51The thing that irritated him, and me, was the fact that he referred to her like she was common

00:06:57Like she was ordinary

00:06:59You know what, man? That's great

00:07:02But we really need to get out of here

00:07:05I'd love to listen to your story, but since we got screwed on this gig...

00:07:08Son, you can go when I'm finished

00:07:11We kind of got screwed on this gig, so I figure we should probably get going

00:07:16You can go when I'm finished, son

00:07:18Please do not call me son, unless you plan on playing ball with me, okay?

00:07:25Put your head on the bar

00:07:28Put your head on the bar, or I will

00:07:40Now, again, the issue is not whether Lenny's mom is a whore or not

00:07:43The issue is, as you guys come into these, as you call them banjo-picking shithole one-nighters

00:07:48And you talk about us like we're beneath you

00:07:51Like we're just some kind of roadkill on your little Audubon to success

00:07:55Kids, you gotta remember something, this is America

00:07:58These people are America

00:08:00We make you, we break you

00:08:02Without us, you become nothing more than a footnote

00:08:05Of course, maybe you're the exception

00:08:08You, I'm sure, are not

00:08:13Is it okay if I let my head up now?

00:08:16Because I'm having trouble breathing through your uncommon bar

00:08:20Get up

00:08:24Listen, sir, we didn't mean any disrespect

00:08:27But, you know, it's just we're really frustrated

00:08:31We traveled all this way for nothing, and we don't even have a place to stay

00:08:38All right

00:08:40You guys have been attentive to my little ramblings

00:08:43So, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna toss you a bone

00:08:46Now, I got a place about a mile down the road on the right-hand side

00:08:48It's not much, but it's clean

00:08:51So, I'll tell you what I'll do

00:08:52I'll put you guys up for the night

00:08:54Tomorrow, you call Eileen so you can get some kind of compensation

00:08:58Does that sound fair?

00:09:01Believe me, I will call Eileen

00:09:05That sounds... Thank you

00:09:07I really appreciate it

00:09:09You can leave now

00:09:12Leave now

00:09:15Now!

00:09:17Speaking of sleeping arrangements

00:09:21You know, we got one bed here

00:09:23I'm hoping you don't sleep naked

00:09:26Of course I'm not gonna sleep naked

00:09:28Good, because I didn't want us both being naked in the same bed, you know what I mean?

00:09:32You're not sleeping naked

00:09:34Dude, I gotta... I can't sleep in underwear, man

00:09:36I get all bound up and shit down there

00:09:38It doesn't work

00:09:39Underwear? Bullshit, man

00:09:40You're sleeping fully clothed, dude

00:09:41You're sleeping on the floor

00:09:43What are you, like, uh...

00:09:45Not quite sure of your masculinity, or...

00:09:47No, I just don't want to wake up with your masculinity poking me in the back

00:09:52So, does this mean, like, no cuddling?

00:09:57Was Richel was funny?

00:09:59But you're implying he is now?

00:10:02Well, let me just...

00:10:04Let me say something

00:10:05And I'm gonna be the one to say this

00:10:07It's not happening for Richie

00:10:09It's not happening

00:10:10Years ago, it might have

00:10:11And years and years ago

00:10:12But it's not now

00:10:13In a nutshell

00:10:15It's a night show with him calling

00:10:18I like to date the homeless

00:10:20And picking up a homeless...

00:10:21They're really easy to pick up, too

00:10:23It's like picking up a homeless woman's like

00:10:25Hey, baby

00:10:26Wanna keep warm?

00:10:30See the tall one?

00:10:31Oh, yeah?

00:10:32Her name's Nikki

00:10:33She's a stripper

00:10:34She wants me

00:10:35But, uh...

00:10:36Then again, who doesn't, huh?

00:10:38I gotta go

00:10:39A lot of comics were geeks

00:10:41Or nerds, or misfits, or whatever

00:10:42Back, you know

00:10:43It's true

00:10:44And they, uh...

00:10:45You know, they got into comedy

00:10:47To get back at the society that rejected them

00:10:50Or to get the women

00:10:53Who would never give them their time of day

00:10:55Really

00:10:56Because in order for a geek to get laid

00:10:57You've either gotta be famous

00:10:59Or own a software company

00:11:01And pay for a shitload of hookers

00:11:02And these guys would rather tell jokes

00:11:09So this is the comedy condo, as they say

00:11:11This is it

00:11:15Nobody said comics had to be neat, right?

00:11:17Just funny?

00:11:18Right

00:11:19Have a seat

00:11:21The comedy condo's kind of a...

00:11:23Sort of a vicious circle

00:11:25Like, the club puts absolutely no money into it

00:11:28Mm-hmm

00:11:29Because they know that some asshole comic's

00:11:31Just gonna get drunk

00:11:32And trash the place, so...

00:11:34That's why it always looks like shit

00:11:36But you can't really blame the club owners, though

00:11:38Because some comics are just idiots

00:11:40Like, I know some people

00:11:41Who do some, like...

00:11:42Crazy shit, like...

00:11:44So stupid

00:11:45Like, burn holes in the carpets

00:11:47And write on the walls

00:11:49Or get really drunk and pass out

00:11:52Or do really freaky shit to the couches

00:11:56So...

00:11:57Really?

00:11:59I don't mean that couch in particular

00:12:01I'm just giving you an example of

00:12:04What goes on in the comedy condo

00:12:07Actually, I think it was this couch

00:12:09I'd like to, uh...

00:12:10I'd like to get up

00:12:11And I'd like to, uh...

00:12:12I'd like to get one of these

00:12:14The Comics Bible

00:12:16A national paper or a local paper

00:12:19Mm-hmm

00:12:20Because there's usually...

00:12:21There's usually a story that can relate, you know

00:12:23That can fit into a bit

00:12:25That the locals will relate to, you know

00:12:28So you do a lot of current event material and...

00:12:33Not really

00:12:36Unless I see something good

00:12:39I'm gonna try to work it in

00:12:45What's up?

00:12:46You're back early, man

00:12:47What, uh...

00:12:48What happened to, uh...

00:12:49Nikki, uh...

00:12:50That girl you were working on, the stripper

00:12:52Godhead

00:12:55Oh, that's too bad, man, yeah

00:12:57I know how it feels

00:13:00Yeah, it was...

00:13:01Afterward, we're kicking it in her car and, uh...

00:13:03Um...

00:13:05Turns out, uh...

00:13:06You know, we're talking

00:13:07Whatever

00:13:09Turns out, uh...

00:13:10Nikki is short for Nicholas

00:13:13Yeah, he's a fucking transvestite

00:13:16Yeah, thank you

00:13:20Oh...

00:13:23Yeah

00:13:24Next time you see me talking to a chick after a show

00:13:26Just remind me, please

00:13:27To ask her if she's had any prostate trouble in her recent past

00:13:31Would you do that for me?

00:13:33Can I use that?

00:13:34Can I use that?

00:13:35Fuck you

00:13:37So what's your take on Sean?

00:13:39He's funny

00:13:40He's a funny guy

00:13:41Um...

00:13:42But...

00:13:43You know, the only thing is that

00:13:45With Sean, I mean, he...

00:13:48I think he's in it for the fame aspect, really

00:13:50To be honest

00:13:51Because he doesn't stick to one act

00:13:53He's always trying to come up with a gimmick

00:13:55Or, you know, to be a superstar

00:13:59Or he's always jumping on whatever bandwagon comes along

00:14:03Right

00:14:04To, like, get a TV series

00:14:06Anyway, I'm thinking about becoming a prop comic now

00:14:08I mean, I was watching that Potato Head guy

00:14:10His half-hour comedy special the other night

00:14:13And man

00:14:14That guy, he just, like, got a killing in the college market

00:14:18He's killing

00:14:19Are you sure you want to do that?

00:14:20I mean, really

00:14:21Because, like, that gives people no insight into who you are

00:14:25And most prop comedy is really stupid

00:14:30Yeah, but I don't know, man

00:14:31I mean, the people love stupid humor

00:14:32That's it

00:14:33People really love the stupid humor

00:14:34You gotta go for it

00:14:35I gotta go for it

00:14:36I'm thinking that's the way to go

00:14:37I think you should use, you know

00:14:38Work on your religious stuff

00:14:40And make a name for yourself that way

00:14:41Because that's really good

00:14:42And I got nothing against religion

00:14:43Like I said, my mom is very religious

00:14:45I've got nothing against religion

00:14:46I just have a different take on it

00:14:47You know what I mean?

00:14:48Because I'm thinking to myself

00:14:49God, by definition, is the supreme being, right?

00:14:53God's got a message for me

00:14:54God's smart enough to send me, like, a newsletter

00:14:57You know, something comprehensible, logical

00:15:00In a language that someone has spoken in the last 2,000 years

00:15:02You know

00:15:03The only thing that I get that resembles a newsletter, though

00:15:05Are these pamphlets that I get on my doorstep

00:15:07Every morning, every Saturday

00:15:08You know

00:15:09And I'm reading their pamphlet

00:15:10Because I'm a good sport

00:15:11I'm reading, I'm thinking to myself

00:15:12You know

00:15:13I don't think this is the word of God

00:15:14You know, I don't

00:15:15And maybe it's not really the pamphlet

00:15:17So much as it is the paper delivery boy

00:15:19That's bringing it to my doorstep, right?

00:15:21Because I'm looking at this guy going, yeah

00:15:23You know, man

00:15:24Nothing quite says divine messenger better

00:15:27Than a mustard-colored fake tweed jacket

00:15:29With Naga Head elbow patches

00:15:30You know what I mean?

00:15:31And he tells me he knows when the Armageddon is coming

00:15:33Well, judging by his pants

00:15:35Apparently it's coming in flood form

00:15:42Yeah, I heard something

00:15:48Hey, hey

00:15:49Hey

00:15:50Hey, brother

00:15:51That was some funny shit up there tonight

00:15:52Yeah, thanks, man

00:15:53Man, I ain't laughed that hard in a long time

00:15:55Really?

00:15:56For real, for real

00:15:57Yeah?

00:15:58For real

00:15:59Hey, you're alright, too

00:16:00But anyway

00:16:01That shit you were talking about

00:16:03You know, you were talking about

00:16:04Your parents dressing you

00:16:05Yeah

00:16:06I could totally relate

00:16:07Oh, yeah?

00:16:08My parents were the same way

00:16:09I mean, I let my wife dress me

00:16:10I mean, I let my wife dress me now

00:16:11But, like, you can see

00:16:13She's got a bit of a drinking problem, too

00:16:16Yeah, well

00:16:19You know

00:16:21I guess

00:16:22I guess my dad had a dick to photograph

00:16:25Hung like a mule, supposedly

00:16:28She checked to see if it was genetic?

00:16:29Uh-huh

00:16:30Huh?

00:16:31Nothing, he's just trying to be funny

00:16:34Well, leave it to a comedian to try to do a joke

00:16:41Well, I gotta go

00:16:43So soon?

00:16:45Yeah

00:16:46Yeah?

00:16:47Well, my wife's gonna get testy

00:16:49Because when she drinks

00:16:50She gets horny

00:16:52You know what I mean

00:16:53Oh, yeah, sure do

00:16:54Unfortunately

00:16:55But thanks for the visual

00:16:57Huh?

00:17:00Well, I gotta piss

00:17:01Okay

00:17:02You keep going, though

00:17:03You keep at it

00:17:05You're funny

00:17:06You're gonna make it

00:17:07Alright, thanks, man

00:17:08You're gonna make it

00:17:09I appreciate it

00:17:10Thanks, brother

00:17:11Alright

00:17:12Every fucking show

00:17:13There's always some guy

00:17:14Some drunk guy

00:17:15Who's gotta come up

00:17:16From the audience

00:17:17And relate to a story

00:17:18You know what I mean?

00:17:19Gotta tell you some badass joke

00:17:20Or whatever

00:17:21And every town you go to

00:17:22No matter how bad it is

00:17:23The smaller the town

00:17:24The smaller the crowd

00:17:25The worse the jokes

00:17:26Yeah, and the worse the breath

00:17:27Yeah, no shit, man

00:17:28My buzz got stronger

00:17:29Off each sentence

00:17:31Before today

00:17:33I was really thinking

00:17:34Is it all worth it?

00:17:35Or, uh

00:17:36Or should I just pack it in

00:17:37And go, uh

00:17:38Go back to work

00:17:39In 40 hours a week

00:17:40You know?

00:17:41But, uh

00:17:42Now that I got the good work

00:17:43From a man

00:17:44I think I'm gonna stick it out

00:17:47Because apparently

00:17:48I'm gonna make it

00:17:50So do you always walk

00:17:51To get your coffee

00:17:52In the morning?

00:17:53Yeah, I do

00:17:54I like to get coffee

00:17:55Or, uh

00:17:56Or, uh

00:17:57Breakfast

00:17:58Or something to eat

00:17:59You know

00:18:00It's hard to get exercise

00:18:01On the road

00:18:02So I like to, uh

00:18:03I like to walk

00:18:04As much as I can

00:18:05That sounds like a good idea

00:18:06Yeah

00:18:07Hey

00:18:08Hey, man

00:18:09Give me a dollar

00:18:11Come on, shit, dude

00:18:12It ain't for drugs

00:18:13Or booze or nothing

00:18:14Come on, seriously

00:18:15Look at me

00:18:16Fork it over, fucker

00:18:21Dude, I can't believe

00:18:22You just fucking gave that guy

00:18:23A buck, dude

00:18:24Shit, he didn't do anything

00:18:25He didn't even fucking

00:18:26Ask politely

00:18:27Yeah, did you hear

00:18:28The way he asked, though?

00:18:29I mean

00:18:30Give me a dollar

00:18:31What am I gonna do, huh?

00:18:32I'm not gonna argue with that

00:18:33Fuck it, it's only a dollar

00:18:34No, dude

00:18:35It's not the buck, man

00:18:36It's the principle of the matter

00:18:37I mean, you know

00:18:38He

00:18:39Jesus

00:18:40I mean, you gotta make him

00:18:41Work for this money

00:18:42I mean, Jesus

00:18:43What's he gonna do?

00:18:44Whittle me a plaque?

00:18:45Dude, I don't know

00:18:46Make him dance or something

00:18:47Raymond Burr

00:18:48He was so

00:18:49Massive

00:18:50Well

00:18:51Well, dare I say

00:18:52Thick

00:18:53Thick

00:18:54I think

00:18:55Thick is the word

00:18:56We're looking for here

00:18:57Oogling

00:18:58Well, oogling

00:18:59That's what you were doing

00:19:00And don't forget

00:19:01We met, Mr. Burr

00:19:03Lance and I

00:19:04While we were selling

00:19:05Men's furnishings

00:19:06Furnishings?

00:19:07Well, he's a huge man

00:19:08For God's sake

00:19:0922 neck

00:19:1138 sleeve

00:19:15And he owned his own island

00:19:17Ray, for God's sake

00:19:19He was his own island

00:19:20Yes

00:19:22Oh

00:19:23And every Friday night

00:19:25We would all

00:19:27Caravan up to Raymond Burr's house

00:19:29And have dinner

00:19:31Because he was

00:19:32Well, he was a gourmet cook

00:19:34Yeah, oh

00:19:35He made the best remaki

00:19:36Remaki

00:19:39Sorry

00:19:40Remaki to die for

00:19:42And we would

00:19:43Thank you

00:19:44And we would

00:19:45All be up there

00:19:47There you go

00:19:48All of us

00:19:49And we would have dinner

00:19:50And then we would put on a little show

00:19:53Much like

00:19:54Well, sort of a gay

00:19:55Our gang

00:19:56Mm-hmm

00:19:57He was Darla

00:19:58And I was

00:19:59Alfalfa

00:20:00Oh, yes

00:20:01And Raymond Burr would be there

00:20:03In his apron

00:20:04Mm-hmm

00:20:05And for God's sake, not much else

00:20:06Oh, no

00:20:09Good cast set

00:20:10Thanks, bro

00:20:11Fantastic

00:20:12Hey, you had a good set, too, man

00:20:13Oh, thanks, man

00:20:14Excellent

00:20:15I appreciate that

00:20:16The fuck?

00:20:17Dude, isn't that that dude you gave a buck to?

00:20:18Holy shit, you're right

00:20:20He's drinking a beer

00:20:22Oh, wow

00:20:25Hey, didn't I give you a dollar today?

00:20:27Hey, yeah, that's right

00:20:28Thanks, man

00:20:29I appreciate that, that's cool

00:20:30Yeah, but

00:20:31You said you weren't gonna spend it

00:20:32On drugs or booze

00:20:33And here you are drinking a beer

00:20:34What's up with that?

00:20:35No, no, no

00:20:36I used the buck that you gave me

00:20:37For the cover charge

00:20:38That's cool, you know

00:20:39Anyway, I wasn't gonna drink

00:20:40But, you know

00:20:41The club has a two-drink minimum

00:20:42And everything, you know

00:20:43What am I supposed to do?

00:20:44It's not my policy

00:20:45Yeah

00:20:46You know, so

00:20:47Like, you know

00:20:49Anyway, you know what?

00:20:50You were really funny tonight

00:20:51I gotta tell you

00:20:52That shit about your parents

00:20:53Dressing you is classic

00:20:54I remember guys like you in school

00:20:55You know, what a ridiculous

00:20:56Fucking look that is, you know

00:20:57So

00:21:00Anyway, man

00:21:01Keep it up, dude

00:21:02You're going places

00:21:09So, did you give it to him or what?

00:21:10No

00:21:12Got me on a technicality

00:21:14Technicality?

00:21:15What the fuck is wrong with you?

00:21:17He didn't use the dollar I gave him

00:21:18On the beer

00:21:19He used it on the cover charge

00:21:21And you fell for that?

00:21:22Dude

00:21:24Fucking go back over there, dude

00:21:26Alright?

00:21:27And fucking make him do

00:21:28The electric slide or something

00:21:29Dude, I mean

00:21:30He's got to fucking work

00:21:31For his money, dude

00:21:32Bucket, man

00:21:33It's only a buck

00:21:34Dude, it's not the buck

00:21:35It's the principle of the matter

00:21:36You got conned by a guy

00:21:37Wearing nine layers of clothing

00:21:38That's fucking sad

00:21:39No, no, no, it's cool

00:21:40It's cool

00:21:41I got something for my money

00:21:42Oh, yeah, what'd you get?

00:21:43Validation

00:21:44Oh, yeah?

00:21:45Did he relate?

00:21:46Yeah, you know, he did

00:21:47I got two experts

00:21:48Telling me I'm going places

00:21:49You know, I really wish

00:21:50I could live with that

00:21:51But, no

00:21:52That's not good

00:21:55Where's he going?

00:21:56I don't know

00:21:57So, uh

00:21:58I was thinking of

00:21:59Going dancing later

00:22:00Oh

00:22:01You know

00:22:02Find a club or something

00:22:03If you wanted to

00:22:04Come with us

00:22:05Oh, yeah

00:22:06I'm following you guys

00:22:07So, let's do it

00:22:08Alright

00:22:09Cool

00:22:10You know, we don't actually

00:22:12Know where to go

00:22:13So, if you have any suggestions

00:22:15Oh, I'm not as new here as you

00:22:18So, whatever you decide

00:22:19Is great

00:22:22Hey, so

00:22:23Did you get my money's worth?

00:22:24Oh, more

00:22:25Yeah

00:22:27He made me give him a buck, too

00:22:29Oh

00:22:30Well, I guess you showed him

00:22:32You guys ready?

00:22:42Champagne

00:22:43Color your eyes

00:22:45What's your sign?

00:22:47Are you hitting on me?

00:22:48Am I hitting on you?

00:22:49No

00:22:50It's for verification of this ID

00:22:53See

00:22:54If this ain't yours

00:22:55You might have the dates memorized

00:22:57But you're not gonna know the guy's sign

00:22:59Smart, huh?

00:23:00Fucking brilliant

00:23:01Uh

00:23:02I'm a Virgo

00:23:08Cool

00:23:09Five bucks

00:23:10Thanks

00:23:15Do I ever go to the comedy club?

00:23:16Do you ever go to the comedy club?

00:23:17I go every now and then

00:23:18Alright, I'll tell you what

00:23:20Four free passes

00:23:21Four free passes?

00:23:22Right there

00:23:23You come down

00:23:24Check us out

00:23:25We're gonna be there

00:23:26Sunday night

00:23:27Tomorrow's the last night

00:23:28We're gonna be there

00:23:29You come down and check us out

00:23:30Yeah, we'll be there

00:23:31Me and this guy back here

00:23:32We're gonna be there

00:23:33You come down and check us out

00:23:34But even if you don't go tomorrow

00:23:35Come anytime

00:23:36They're good forever, okay?

00:23:37I can go anytime?

00:23:38Anytime you want

00:23:39How's that sound?

00:23:40Great

00:23:41Sound good?

00:23:42Yeah

00:23:43Thank you

00:23:44Wait, wait, wait

00:23:45What?

00:23:46You forgot to pay the cover charge

00:23:47It's five bucks

00:23:48What are you talking about?

00:23:49I thought, you know

00:23:50Oh, all you thought

00:23:51You know

00:23:52I see how it is

00:23:53But there's strings attached

00:23:54You know

00:23:55I don't want your fucking free passes

00:23:58Because they're not really free, are they?

00:24:07Hey, um

00:24:09We're filming a documentary here

00:24:11And if you'll let us in

00:24:12We'll put you in the movie

00:24:13Really?

00:24:14Yeah

00:24:15You'll put me in the movie

00:24:16Yeah

00:24:24I love you baby

00:24:30Straight right through and through

00:24:33And I love you

00:24:34In spite of all the crazy things you do

00:24:37Running around and drinking

00:24:39Taking time all night

00:24:41Well, it don't take a lot of thinking

00:24:44To figure that he's right

00:24:46And I'll never get enough

00:24:49Like why you burn me up

00:24:51What are you guys doing?

00:24:53Um, we're making a documentary film.

00:24:55Oh really? What about?

00:24:57But this guy right here is a comedian.

00:24:59Oh really? Is that right?

00:25:01Yeah.

00:25:03So you're filming now?

00:25:05We're filming right here.

00:25:07You know, he did a show here in town and now we're here.

00:25:09Oh yeah. No, that's great actually.

00:25:11I'll be very quiet.

00:25:13If you try to get out of the way, you know, whatever.

00:25:15But you know, if the camera shows up

00:25:17across my face then we're very photogenic.

00:25:19Great.

00:25:21Very natural.

00:25:23Let me know if you're okay to do another round.

00:25:25Okay. Great.

00:25:29So where are we going next?

00:25:31Um, well,

00:25:33Tuesday we've got to be in Sacramento.

00:25:35But Monday,

00:25:37we've got a little one night

00:25:39or someplace in between.

00:25:41I don't even know the name of the town.

00:25:43You don't sound happy about it.

00:25:45Nah, it's cool.

00:25:47It's cool.

00:25:49Why do you even do it?

00:25:51Well, you know,

00:25:53the lady who books it,

00:25:55she heard we're going to be out in this area.

00:25:57So, you know, she asked if we would do it.

00:25:59And, you know,

00:26:01I figured we're going to be out here.

00:26:03It's a little extra cash. It's on the way.

00:26:05You know, what the hell.

00:26:07You know, it's an awful gig.

00:26:11A lot of owners

00:26:13or bookers will just book you right off that recommendation.

00:26:15That's how I get into a lot of clubs.

00:26:21You're back soon.

00:26:23Didn't find no one to dance with?

00:26:25No, I did. I got slapped.

00:26:27You did?

00:26:29Turned on a charm early.

00:26:31Huh?

00:26:33You know, I just didn't want the same thing to happen

00:26:35again like it did the other night.

00:26:37So,

00:26:39what'd you do?

00:26:41You grabbed her crotch and checked for a penis?

00:26:43Yeah, right.

00:26:47I just, uh,

00:26:49asked her if she was a woman.

00:26:51You just asked her if she was a woman?

00:26:53Yeah.

00:26:55You just came out and asked her

00:26:57if she was a woman?

00:26:59Yeah.

00:27:01Did she look like she could be a man?

00:27:03Not really. And again, neither did Nikki.

00:27:07What did she look like?

00:27:09She was all right.

00:27:12Well, there she is.

00:27:14You're an asshole.

00:27:20Let's go in Casanova.

00:27:24Way to pick up the chicks, huh?

00:27:26Hi, I'm Sean. Are you a man?

00:27:28Fuck you.

00:27:30That's all the line that gets me in bed.

00:27:32God, I could dance.

00:27:34I taught dancing

00:27:36at Arthur Murray Dance School

00:27:38in Sioux City, Iowa.

00:27:41And I taught Dear Abby

00:27:43and her lovely sister,

00:27:45what is that other nosy bitch?

00:27:47Ann Landers.

00:27:49And I taught them how to dance

00:27:51in Sioux City, Iowa.

00:27:53Good God, Sioux City.

00:27:55Try being artistic

00:27:57in Iowa, for God's sake.

00:28:01Sweet Jesus.

00:28:03It was years and years ago.

00:28:05Got a call from the NBC people today.

00:28:07That's great.

00:28:10Actually, I had an audition about a month ago

00:28:12for a new sitcom.

00:28:14So did you hear

00:28:16bad news about it?

00:28:18Yeah.

00:28:20Apparently, I'm too witty.

00:28:22Too witty?

00:28:24Yep. They said that

00:28:26Intelligent Comedy was last season.

00:28:28They like my physical stuff,

00:28:30but

00:28:32they don't anticipate physical comedy

00:28:34coming back into fashion

00:28:36for another year or two.

00:28:38That's insane.

00:28:40I mean,

00:28:42if you're funny, you're funny, right?

00:28:44Yeah. To everybody

00:28:46but the people who count.

00:28:48So what did they say was out of fashion?

00:28:52Impressionists.

00:28:54What about Impressionists?

00:28:56Nothing.

00:28:58I got a call from NBC today

00:29:00and they told me that my brand of comedy

00:29:02was out of fashion

00:29:04and that Impressionists are in.

00:29:06God damn it!

00:29:08What?

00:29:10I just fucking went out and spent like $2,000

00:29:12on toys

00:29:14and I went to the toy stores and novelty shops

00:29:16and all these second-hand stores

00:29:18buying stuff to assemble

00:29:20and turn it into my prop comic act

00:29:22and now you're telling me it's worthless.

00:29:24Don't worry about it, man.

00:29:26I don't know why you care.

00:29:28It's just one guy's opinion

00:29:30and it'll probably change next week anyway.

00:29:32You're probably right.

00:29:34I don't know why you let it go to waste.

00:29:36Look at the car out there, man.

00:29:38I got a trunk full of shit

00:29:40strapped to the roof.

00:29:46Fuck, man. I don't fucking know.

00:29:48We're in there for like half an hour,

00:29:50we're eating some breakfast, come out,

00:29:52all my shit is gone.

00:29:54My whole fucking act has been stolen.

00:29:56This is worse than doing a set in front of Troy Mills.

00:29:58At least he only steals a couple jokes.

00:30:00I wonder if maybe this happened to Potato Head.

00:30:02All right, guys, here's the deal.

00:30:04What exactly was missing from the trunk?

00:30:06Fucking everything, man.

00:30:08I spent out $2,500 with the shit this morning.

00:30:10Every fucking thing I had.

00:30:12My whole life savings was in that fucking trunk.

00:30:14Now I got fucking nothing. Everything was in there.

00:30:16You're a comedian.

00:30:18Maybe you should rely on wit and not so much props.

00:30:20Look, man, I was fucking becoming a prop comic

00:30:22so I didn't need to rely on wit.

00:30:24You obviously don't understand the business,

00:30:26so, you know.

00:30:28Please stick to being a cop.

00:30:30We're not going to put roadblocks up all over the city

00:30:32to find guys with stolen wigs and five-wheeled bicycles.

00:30:34What the fuck are you going to do then?

00:30:36This is my fucking life savings, man.

00:30:38I understand that, but we're not going to block

00:30:40the whole road down for you.

00:30:42I mean, we'll do what we can to try to find you,

00:30:44and if we do, we'll call you.

00:30:46But here's a little advice.

00:30:48If you're going to be a comedian,

00:30:50maybe you should write some really good material.

00:30:52Shit's an idea, because then if this stuff happens,

00:30:54you can at least rely on your wit.

00:30:56All right?

00:30:58Oh, roll them on in!

00:31:02Oh, that's the Bronx theme song!

00:31:04It's this...

00:31:06Boom!

00:31:08Shit like this always happens. It does.

00:31:10That's why, you know, I hate to drive anymore.

00:31:12I never drive.

00:31:14And I fly as much as I possibly can.

00:31:16It wouldn't have fucking done me any good anyway.

00:31:18This shit always happens, dude.

00:31:20You're right, man. You're right.

00:31:22I mean, bad luck follows you around like B.O.

00:31:24at a Grateful Dead concert.

00:31:26All I'm saying is that

00:31:28if I weren't a punk band, I would never sell out.

00:31:30You know what I mean?

00:31:32I mean, that's what punk's about, man.

00:31:34It's about, you know, it's about the scene.

00:31:36It's about saying,

00:31:38fuck corporate rock.

00:31:40And how can you say, fuck corporate rock,

00:31:42and then sign, like, a big three-album deal

00:31:44with, like, Atlantic or some big record label like that?

00:31:46I mean, that's like a rabbi converting to Catholicism

00:31:48because somebody gave him a couple of million.

00:31:50You know, all I'm saying is

00:31:52be true to your convictions, you know what I mean?

00:31:54If you really believe something, believe it.

00:31:56And if you do be true to your convictions, that's all I'm saying.

00:31:58I know, I agree with you.

00:32:00But, I got a question for you.

00:32:02What?

00:32:04How come you keep changing your act?

00:32:06You change your act into something you're not

00:32:08just so you can make it big.

00:32:10Isn't that kind of like selling out?

00:32:12I'm not in the punk world.

00:32:14Sean, come on!

00:32:16Hurry up! Let's get going!

00:32:18I'm coming, I'm coming.

00:32:20I'm almost ready.

00:32:22I gotta put on my shoes.

00:32:24What's the big rush today?

00:32:26It's just, I hear weird things about this club owner, Jared.

00:32:28He's got specific ideas

00:32:30about the way he wants things to be run here.

00:32:32So, since I never worked for him before,

00:32:34I just want to get there

00:32:36and make a good first impression.

00:32:38Hey, besides, he says

00:32:40John said he's going to open up

00:32:42two more clubs

00:32:44that he's a good guy to be in with.

00:32:46Two more, really?

00:32:48Yeah.

00:32:50One in Arizona and Texas.

00:32:52But he said he overheard him

00:32:54saying something about San Jose, too.

00:32:56So, it's anybody's guess.

00:32:58That's cool.

00:33:00Alright, I'm ready.

00:33:02Ready to go?

00:33:04Yeah.

00:33:08Ready?

00:33:10Yes.

00:33:12I got the keys.

00:33:14Hey, do you know what you're going to be doing tonight?

00:33:16Yeah, I guess I do.

00:33:18Excuse me.

00:33:20Bartender.

00:33:22Can I talk to you for a second, huh?

00:33:24I don't want to be rude, I don't want to get in your face, nothing like that.

00:33:26But, I specifically ordered

00:33:28a margarita blended,

00:33:30no salt, huh?

00:33:32And there's salt on the rim.

00:33:34No, no, no. Yes, there is.

00:33:36Fucking salt right there.

00:33:38I fucking taste the salt. You're the fucking salt right there, huh?

00:33:40You salted a little bit.

00:33:42Yes, you did.

00:33:44You fucking ordered it for somebody else?

00:33:46You see somebody else ordering a margarita,

00:33:48you fucking prick?

00:33:50Hey, Bill.

00:33:52My friend Bill's going to get something to drink.

00:33:54You better not fuck up his order. What do you want, Bill?

00:33:56I'm not going to drink, you see, because

00:33:58this time I'm going to have something like a little

00:34:00jello shot, maybe.

00:34:02Just a jello shot.

00:34:04Get a little tipsy without getting all full up with the water.

00:34:06You know what I'm saying?

00:34:10The fuck is wrong with you, huh?

00:34:12Hey, Chris, you're drinking with us, right?

00:34:14You want to drink with us?

00:34:16No, I'm not drinking again.

00:34:18We've gone out three nights in a row.

00:34:20Every night I've got to take a fucking cab.

00:34:22I'd be damned if I'm going to get in a cab with those fucking assholes again.

00:34:24The fucking Nazi cab drivers are crazy.

00:34:28Hey, man, you were awesome tonight, huh?

00:34:30Thanks, man.

00:34:32Yeah, I didn't know you could do all those voices.

00:34:34I mean, nobody does, man.

00:34:36I could always do it.

00:34:38I just never did that stuff before.

00:34:40I didn't want to be known as like an hack or impressionist or anything like that.

00:34:42No, man, that's funny.

00:34:44That was some really funny shit.

00:34:46You should definitely keep that.

00:34:48That's a strong closer.

00:34:50Oh, you think so?

00:34:52Definitely.

00:34:54That was good, man.

00:34:56Did you get a chance to talk to Jared?

00:34:58Not yet, no.

00:35:00He said he was going to come in here and talk to me.

00:35:02He was in the middle of something.

00:35:04I don't know how he couldn't have been happy, though, man.

00:35:06You tore that crowd up tonight.

00:35:08Yeah?

00:35:11All right.

00:35:15You have Jared's ears.

00:35:19Sean, would you excuse us, please?

00:35:21Yeah, sure.

00:35:23Rich, have a seat.

00:35:25And, Sean.

00:35:27Yeah?

00:35:29I like what I heard tonight. I see potential.

00:35:31Now, we'll talk later.

00:35:35I definitely will use you in my clubs

00:35:37when I open the new ones in the future.

00:35:39Thanks.

00:35:41Sounds great.

00:35:45Rich, what can I say?

00:35:50John told me you were funny,

00:35:52and I can honestly say he was right.

00:35:56I just have one question.

00:36:00Ask away.

00:36:02What's your point?

00:36:05I've been a bartender for 13 years.

00:36:08Actually, 14 years.

00:36:10And working in a comedy club is a little bit different

00:36:12than working in, like, dance clubs, you know?

00:36:14Because at a dance club, the bar is where it's happening.

00:36:17You know what I mean? People come to the bar.

00:36:19They're yelling and screaming. They're partying.

00:36:21Throwing money around.

00:36:23They buy the drinks from me. They tip me.

00:36:25That's the way I can pull in, like, two bills a night.

00:36:27Here, it's not so much, you know?

00:36:29I got to depend on the waitresses to tip me out.

00:36:32And, uh...

00:36:34You know, a lot of them got kids.

00:36:36They're single moms, and, you know,

00:36:38what's going to happen there?

00:36:40Julie, how many kids you got?

00:36:42None.

00:36:44Shut up.

00:36:46I like to get to know a lot of the comics that come around here.

00:36:48They're pretty cool, you know?

00:36:50I figure, like, one of them will make it big

00:36:52and come back and get me, you know, sweep me off my feet.

00:36:54We'll get married and move to, like...

00:36:57Probably L.A. Yeah, we'd probably go to L.A.

00:36:59That's where the movie stars live, you know?

00:37:01We could buy, like, a big truck

00:37:03with, like, big monster tires and a roll bar.

00:37:05We'd totally live it up.

00:37:07Jared decided to take me under his wing

00:37:09and mold me into a great comedian.

00:37:11I mean, who's a better authority on comedy than Jared?

00:37:14He's been in the business, what, 25 years?

00:37:17Anyway, he also told me to change my name,

00:37:20make it into something funny.

00:37:22So, you know, he said,

00:37:24if you sound funny, people are gonna think you're funny.

00:37:26And I figured, uh, Bill Hilarity, boom!

00:37:29What's funnier than hilarity?

00:37:31I mean, hilarity means funny, right?

00:37:33Funny's good, yes. Yes.

00:37:35Funny is good, but...

00:37:37I require a little extra from my headliners.

00:37:41I want to see a message.

00:37:43I want them to give something to the audience.

00:37:47I gave them what they wanted, right?

00:37:49I gave them laughter.

00:37:51No. No.

00:37:55No.

00:37:57Yes.

00:37:58The thing that pisses me off about this job

00:38:00is that comedians, they don't tip.

00:38:02You know, generally.

00:38:03They're like, hey, I'm the comedian,

00:38:05I'm gonna pay you for the drinks.

00:38:06You know, they take that attitude with me.

00:38:08And that really kind of pisses me off.

00:38:10You know, because they should tip,

00:38:11because we don't really make the money.

00:38:12I'd like to be a bartender. That'd be cool.

00:38:14You know, make the drinks.

00:38:16That'd be cool, because I'm really creative.

00:38:18I could do that, yeah.

00:38:19Like, taste them and, like, test them out

00:38:21and, like, make up new drinks.

00:38:23Because, see, the other night I was at home

00:38:25and my roommate drank all the rest of my beer.

00:38:27So I was mixing together whatever I had.

00:38:29Like vodka and tequila, Kahlua, a little grenadine.

00:38:33It was pretty good.

00:38:35All right, but while I was making it,

00:38:36I was making macaroni and cheese for dinner

00:38:38and I ripped open that little powdered cheese packet,

00:38:41you know, and I spilled some in my drink.

00:38:44And I wasn't gonna get rid of my drink,

00:38:45because that's all I had, you know?

00:38:49So I stirred it up and I drank it.

00:38:51It was pretty good, you know?

00:38:53Yeah, the cheesy whore.

00:38:55I'm the one in charge here, really.

00:38:56I'm the guy making the drinks.

00:38:58I'm in charge of the comedy juice.

00:38:59I'm pushing it out there.

00:39:01If I make weak drinks, it's gonna be a weak show.

00:39:03If I make strong drinks, it's gonna be a strong show.

00:39:05And that's what I tell these fuckers

00:39:06when they don't tip me.

00:39:08This could be one of those, like, theme drinks,

00:39:09like a blowjob or, like, sex on a beach, you know?

00:39:12And you could have, like, a ritual

00:39:13that you'd have to go through.

00:39:14The bartender would set the drink up in front of you

00:39:17and you'd have to say something like,

00:39:19where's my fucking sandwich, bitch?

00:39:21Nobody gathered around here.

00:39:22And even if there was people here,

00:39:24you're not supposed to talk,

00:39:25because there's a fucking genius on the stage,

00:39:27you know what I mean?

00:39:28Rich, when you get up on that stage,

00:39:29did you grab that microphone?

00:39:31You're the leader.

00:39:33They're looking to you for guidance.

00:39:38Comedy's not about humor or laughter

00:39:41or any of that superficial bullshit

00:39:43that people tell you it's about.

00:39:45I'm still working on my jokes.

00:39:46I don't get a lot of laughs.

00:39:49Jared says that's okay.

00:39:50He says comedy's not about laughter.

00:39:53I think I'm pretty good for a beginner.

00:39:55And I'm not telling you how to do your act, okay?

00:39:57And I'm not telling you

00:39:58that I'm not going to book you in the future,

00:40:00because I like you.

00:40:02All I'm saying is you need to work on a message.

00:40:07You know what I'm talking about.

00:40:09I've been around a long time.

00:40:11I know a lot of people.

00:40:12I have a lot of connections.

00:40:15I've got a lot of people sitcoms.

00:40:17A lot.

00:40:18And I can do it again if

00:40:21I truly believe in that person.

00:40:24That's what comedy's in right now,

00:40:26that intelligent physical.

00:40:28If I wasn't doing this, I'll be honest with you,

00:40:30I'd probably be a comedian myself,

00:40:32because I'm a funny fuck.

00:40:34You know what I mean?

00:40:36I'm twice as funny as the jerks that get up here.

00:40:40But that comic lifestyle thing,

00:40:42that doesn't make it with me.

00:40:44You know, stretching from gig to gig.

00:40:46They don't make any money.

00:40:47They can make any money.

00:40:48You ever seen the way these guys dress?

00:40:50They're like fucking dirt poor.

00:40:51And I like to live my life.

00:40:53There's a certain standard that I like to live by.

00:40:55You know, I got a good car, my apartment.

00:40:58But I could be a comedian if I wanted to.

00:41:01I got a lot of funny shit, man.

00:41:03Like the other night, this guy comes up to the bar,

00:41:06and he goes,

00:41:07I like Sex on the Beast.

00:41:10And I said,

00:41:12you're gonna have to get her permission on that one, buddy.

00:41:14Can I give you permission for that?

00:41:17Anyway, that's just an idea for a joke.

00:41:22I got hundreds of fucking funny jokes like that.

00:41:25Personally, I think you're exactly what the networks are looking for right now.

00:41:29What I'm saying here is,

00:41:32that when my audiences leave my club,

00:41:34okay,

00:41:35not only do I want them to think,

00:41:36yay, I had a great time,

00:41:38but I want them to be able to believe

00:41:40that they left there with something special.

00:41:43They were able to take something special home with them.

00:41:48Have you tried selling t-shirts?

00:41:50I've been working on this bit about the spotted owl.

00:41:52I'm saving that for when I'm a headliner.

00:41:54He says it's all about the message.

00:41:56Jared knows.

00:42:03You see,

00:42:05you see,

00:42:06running a comedy club,

00:42:07it's not all about filling seats,

00:42:09selling drinks, and booking acts.

00:42:12I'm sort of like a surrogate father

00:42:14to some of these young comics that come in here.

00:42:16This club is,

00:42:18it's like a home away from home.

00:42:20You know, and like a good father,

00:42:22I want my comedians to do something with their lives.

00:42:25To really make an impact on society.

00:42:27To give back to the world.

00:42:28You know why?

00:42:30Because that's what comedy's all about.

00:42:32It's about love.

00:42:34It's about caring.

00:42:36Wait a minute, I'm not done here.

00:42:37I'm making a point.

00:42:38Hey, where the hell are you going?

00:42:39Hey, who knows more about comedy than Jared?

00:42:42You prick.

00:42:45Did he really get you a sitcom?

00:42:48I don't know.

00:42:49That's what he said.

00:42:51I don't know.

00:42:52He knows a lot of people.

00:42:53He's been in business a while.

00:42:55But this is Sacramento.

00:42:57Not exactly L.A., so.

00:42:59Could be on the level.

00:43:01But it could just be like a big ego trip for him, too.

00:43:05But,

00:43:06he wants me to do a little spiel at the end.

00:43:09I'll do it.

00:43:10This club pays pretty well,

00:43:11and he's getting pretty proud, so.

00:43:13I'll do it.

00:43:14Who are you calling?

00:43:15Uh, Jim Phillips, comedy contact.

00:43:17Really?

00:43:18Yeah, you know.

00:43:19Yeah, you work for him?

00:43:20Nah, I've been trying to get in here for like a fucking year, man.

00:43:22I just get to run around all the time.

00:43:25Really?

00:43:26Well, he loves me.

00:43:27Make him the phone.

00:43:28Really?

00:43:29Yeah.

00:43:30Okay.

00:43:31I don't know what I'm doing.

00:43:33Yes, Jim, please.

00:43:35Rich Burns.

00:43:37Hello.

00:43:38Hey, Jim.

00:43:39What's up?

00:43:40It's Rich.

00:43:41How you doing?

00:43:42Good, good.

00:43:43Yeah.

00:43:44Oh, I know.

00:43:45Yeah, I'm going to be there in March, right?

00:43:49Yeah, March 17th.

00:43:51Right.

00:43:52Excellent.

00:43:53Look, I was wondering if you, uh,

00:43:55do you have a feature for that week?

00:43:58Oh, really?

00:44:00Really.

00:44:01Because I was thinking, I was, well,

00:44:03I was just going to ask if I could bring my own.

00:44:06Sean Payne.

00:44:07Oh, yeah, he's good.

00:44:09He's good.

00:44:12Oh, well, I've been going on three weeks with him now.

00:44:16Yeah, no, he's rocking the room.

00:44:18Definitely.

00:44:20Okay.

00:44:21He's right here.

00:44:22Hold on.

00:44:23Do you have, um, second week of April?

00:44:25April?

00:44:26Yeah.

00:44:29Yeah, I got it.

00:44:30Cool.

00:44:32Yeah, he does.

00:44:34All right.

00:44:35All right, excellent.

00:44:36Thanks, Jim.

00:44:37Um, yeah, I'll see you soon.

00:44:38Okay, I will.

00:44:39Bye-bye.

00:44:41You're in.

00:44:42Second week of April.

00:44:43No shit?

00:44:44No.

00:44:45I tried to get us to work together, but, you know,

00:44:46you had it filled, so.

00:44:47That easy.

00:44:49Dude, thanks, man.

00:44:51No problem.

00:44:52Well, um, I want to thank you all for coming out,

00:44:55and, uh, I hope you had a good time,

00:44:59because, really, that's what it's all about.

00:45:02Good times and good laughs.

00:45:05Right?

00:45:06I mean, they say, uh,

00:45:08laughter is the best medicine,

00:45:10and, uh, and laughter is a cure-all,

00:45:13both physically and mentally, you know,

00:45:16and if I could make just one of you laugh

00:45:22and brighten up your day,

00:45:25then I've done my job.

00:45:29And all I ask for you in return

00:45:34is that you go out

00:45:38and brighten up someone else's day

00:45:41by either telling them a joke

00:45:43or giving them a compliment.

00:45:47Make someone smile.

00:45:49Because if everyone can just make one person smile

00:45:56or put laughter on another person's lips,

00:46:01then we can heal this torn nation

00:46:06and answer Rodney King's question.

00:46:11Yes.

00:46:13We can all get along.

00:46:18Hey, what's up?

00:46:19Hey, man.

00:46:20What the hell was that bullshit?

00:46:23Uh, nothing, uh.

00:46:26Jared wants all his headliners to have a message.

00:46:30Yeah.

00:46:31Pretty stupid, huh?

00:46:33It's his fuck club, man, you know?

00:46:35Yep.

00:46:36I know.

00:46:37Did you think anyone bought it?

00:46:40Not a one.

00:46:42I didn't think so.

00:46:44I was sort of screwing around

00:46:46just to show how stupid I look, you know?

00:46:49Who doesn't think I was mocking them?

00:46:52That was beautiful!

00:46:55Absolutely brilliant!

00:46:56Did I tell you, or did I tell you?

00:46:58You gotta trust Jared, huh?

00:47:00I've been in this business too long to be wrong, baby.

00:47:03Hey, I tell you what.

00:47:05Take note of your friend here.

00:47:06If you ever want to be a headliner, he's good.

00:47:09Fucking beautiful, man.

00:47:16Sean?

00:47:17Hey!

00:47:18What's happening?

00:47:20Wow.

00:47:21I didn't think you made it.

00:47:23Yeah, I came in a little late,

00:47:25but I only missed like two minutes of your act.

00:47:28Wow, God, you look great!

00:47:30You look really great.

00:47:31Oh, this is Cheryl, by the way.

00:47:33Cheryl, the one in your documentary, and this is Gary Krube.

00:47:36Hi.

00:47:37And this is the other comic, Rich.

00:47:39Hi.

00:47:40Hi.

00:47:41This is Alyssa.

00:47:42I'm sorry, my sister, Alyssa.

00:47:43Oh, hi.

00:47:44You look nothing like Sean.

00:47:46Thank God.

00:47:47I know.

00:47:48Well, we're not really related.

00:47:50Oh, you're not?

00:47:51No.

00:47:52Are you like stepbrother and sister?

00:47:54Kind of.

00:47:55It's a long story.

00:47:56Maybe I'll tell you about it later.

00:47:58Actually, you know, I live here in Sac.

00:48:00Maybe we can get together later on in the week and hang out or something.

00:48:03I thought you were really funny.

00:48:05Oh, really?

00:48:06Mm-hmm.

00:48:07Sure.

00:48:08That'd be great.

00:48:09Yeah, we could go get a cup of coffee or something.

00:48:11Yeah.

00:48:12So you never told me you had a sister.

00:48:14Yeah, I didn't know that was supposed to be your own personal Czech fucking glory.

00:48:18Hey, man, I'm not picking up on your sister.

00:48:21Jesus Christ, Sean, we're just talking.

00:48:24I'm sorry.

00:48:25I'm just overreacting, I guess.

00:48:28I just had this kind of thought of my sister dating a comic.

00:48:33I don't know.

00:48:35I don't know.

00:48:36It's stupid.

00:48:37Rich isn't white.

00:48:38You?

00:48:39Yeah, pretty much.

00:48:41Sorry, man.

00:48:42It was no offense.

00:48:43It's all right.

00:48:44I don't know.

00:48:45Get us some drinks or something.

00:48:48That's what I'll do.

00:48:49I'll go with you.

00:48:50You mind talking?

00:48:51Yeah, that's fine.

00:48:52So how exactly are you two related?

00:48:55His dad was going to marry my mom.

00:48:58And we lived together for about five years or so in high school.

00:49:02And then his dad cheated on my mom, and they broke up.

00:49:07But during that time, we called each other brother and sister

00:49:10because I had two other friends named Sean and a cousin named Sean.

00:49:15So when I would say Sean, people would say Sean who?

00:49:18Sean Andrews, Sean McNamara, your cousin, or your brother.

00:49:22So it just became my brother.

00:49:24Right.

00:49:25And then after our parents broke up, we just kept calling each other brother and sister.

00:49:29I guess it's because we're the same age.

00:49:32We developed a tight bond or something.

00:49:35So have you always been close even from the beginning?

00:49:37No, not at all.

00:49:39At first, he would always try to get with me.

00:49:42And when I think about it now, it's really kind of gross.

00:49:48It seems so incestuous now.

00:49:51So you're saying that Sean picked up on you?

00:49:53Yeah.

00:49:54Like when we'd watch a scary movie or something,

00:49:57he'd act all scared and then try to cuddle up to me.

00:50:00And then sometimes he would say that he couldn't sleep

00:50:04and he'd want to come into my room and sleep with me in my bed.

00:50:07And even when we got older, he always, always had to hug me.

00:50:12And they were long hugs too.

00:50:14Come to think of it, he still does it.

00:50:16But you never thought about it?

00:50:18I mean, even before you considered yourself related?

00:50:21Oh, no. No way.

00:50:23I mean, he was gross.

00:50:25I mean, when we first met, he was so white trash.

00:50:29He and his dad, they're from the mountains.

00:50:32I'm from Los Gatos.

00:50:34We're just a totally different class of people.

00:50:38Not to sound snobby or anything.

00:50:40That's just the way it was.

00:50:42And you should have seen his clothes.

00:50:45I mean, so thrift store.

00:50:47And I'm not talking retro cool thrift store.

00:50:50I'm talking goodwill thrift store.

00:50:52Wrangler.

00:50:53Oh, yeah. Totally dirty.

00:50:55Smelly.

00:50:56Yeah, stinky.

00:50:57Like this couch.

00:50:58Yeah, but luckily, under my guidance, he's completely changed.

00:51:03I've washed the white trash completely out of him.

00:51:08Hey, I met a chick. We're going to a strip club.

00:51:11You guys want to go with?

00:51:12So do you get to run around a lot?

00:51:14Are you kidding me?

00:51:15Check this out.

00:51:33Comedy Club.

00:51:34Yeah, can I speak to Brad, please?

00:51:36Hold on a moment.

00:51:39Sir, Mayfield is calling.

00:51:41Yeah, this is Sean Payne.

00:51:43Hold on.

00:51:47Mr. Payne, what's his priority?

00:51:49Yes, I sent him a tape, and I was just calling to check up.

00:51:52Okay, hold on again.

00:51:56Sir, Mr. Johnson's in a meeting right now.

00:51:58Can I have him return your call, please?

00:52:00No, thanks. I'll just hold.

00:52:02Sir, he's in a meeting. It could be hours.

00:52:05That's fine. I'm on my parents' phone.

00:52:08Hold on.

00:52:09Hold on.

00:52:13Sir, Mr. Johnson must have stepped out for a moment.

00:52:15I'll need to take that message and have him return your call.

00:52:18Actually, you know what? I'll tell you where you can find him.

00:52:21He's in a fucking meeting.

00:52:24You're never going to work there.

00:52:26I know. I don't even want to work there anymore, man.

00:52:28It's like fucking, you know...

00:52:30Someday I'll work there.

00:52:31He'll be calling me.

00:52:33I'll work there for triple money.

00:52:35Fucking bastard.

00:52:36So, do you still have to put up with that stuff, too?

00:52:39To a certain extent, yeah.

00:52:41I mean, I can get a lot more recommendations now, but...

00:52:45You know, I mean, unless you're a household name,

00:52:47and you've been on the biggies like Carson or Leno, Letterman,

00:52:51the Mo Show, or you have your own HBO special,

00:52:54then you've still got to prove to them that you're good.

00:52:56Right.

00:52:57I was on the Star Search of its day.

00:52:59The Ted Mack amateur hour.

00:53:01Oh, yes, lovely.

00:53:03And I, well, I would put on Mother's dress and...

00:53:07Oh, Mother, lovely, lovely person.

00:53:11Wonderful human being.

00:53:13Dare I say, true candidate for sainthood.

00:53:17God bless us all.

00:53:21We have a homeless problem in L.A., but...

00:53:25A lot of people say it's a homeless problem.

00:53:27I don't like to call it a problem.

00:53:29Hi.

00:53:30Oh, hi.

00:53:31I hear you're the chick who's doing the documentary on Rich.

00:53:35Yeah, yeah, that's me.

00:53:36I'm the chick.

00:53:38I didn't mean...

00:53:41Oh, no.

00:53:42Todd.

00:53:43Hi, how's it going?

00:53:44I'm Todd Adams.

00:53:45Nice to meet you.

00:53:46I'm a comic, too.

00:53:47I'm from Sacramento.

00:53:48Great.

00:53:49Oh, cool.

00:53:50Are you just starting out?

00:53:51No.

00:53:52No, I'm a pro.

00:53:53I've been doing this years.

00:53:54Yeah, I'm just taking a little time off, you know.

00:53:56I've gotten a little too much work lately and figured, you know...

00:54:00I'm surprised you haven't heard of me.

00:54:01Yeah, you know, I do shows all the time.

00:54:05No, I'm no comedy aficionado.

00:54:08No, we can't all be.

00:54:10Great.

00:54:11So, uh...

00:54:13Why Rich?

00:54:15Well, why not Rich?

00:54:19Is there something wrong with him or something?

00:54:20Well, no.

00:54:21I mean, you know, you're not really big into originality.

00:54:25He's one of the most original comics I've ever seen.

00:54:27I mean, you know, I think his material's hilarious.

00:54:30Listen, I'm not bagging on him.

00:54:32Okay, he's a buddy of mine.

00:54:33I'm just saying, you know.

00:54:35Most of the jokes, most of the ones that are really working for him,

00:54:38I kind of helped him with.

00:54:40Yeah, I'd say I wrote about half the act.

00:54:43Yeah, the punch lines.

00:54:45Really?

00:54:46Wow.

00:54:47So you're saying that he stole material from you?

00:54:51No, I'm not saying stole.

00:54:53I'm just saying borrowed.

00:54:56You ever smoke so much pot?

00:54:58Like that joke right there?

00:55:01Yeah.

00:55:02Yeah, it was crap before I helped him out with it.

00:55:05He ran up by me, and I, you know, threw him a line or two,

00:55:08and he slipped me some chump change for it.

00:55:11Really?

00:55:12Yeah.

00:55:13Wow.

00:55:14You wrote that punch line?

00:55:15Don't say anything to him,

00:55:16because a lot of times when a comic buys a joke,

00:55:18you know, they get testy about it.

00:55:20They want everyone to think they wrote it.

00:55:22So, yeah, try not to bring it up.

00:55:26Well, that's very, very, yeah.

00:55:28I mean, wow, I don't know what to say.

00:55:31That's interesting.

00:55:33I'd love to see you sometime.

00:55:35Lucky you.

00:55:36I'm coming by tomorrow night.

00:55:37Oh, really?

00:55:38Yeah, I'm going to do a little set, so you're going to be around?

00:55:41I sure will.

00:55:42You're going to be here, get ready to get blown away.

00:55:44Okay.

00:55:45All right.

00:55:46Yeah.

00:55:47Well, it was nice meeting you.

00:55:48Nice meeting you, Todd Adams.

00:55:51Hey, you suck, dick.

00:55:58Excuse me?

00:55:59Sorry, I didn't know.

00:56:00I suck dick?

00:56:01Well, sorry, I don't know what your boyfriend told you here,

00:56:04but I've never seen him before.

00:56:06Hey, we're not gay, dude.

00:56:08And I said, you suck, dick.

00:56:12Because dick is short for rich, right?

00:56:16What does that mean?

00:56:19Dick?

00:56:21And my father's name was Dick.

00:56:24And they used to call me Little Dick.

00:56:26My friends used to call it, but my mom would say,

00:56:29do you want to speak to Big Dick or Little Dick?

00:56:33And the other thing, I mean, it's tough when, you know,

00:56:37meeting girls, it's tough when your name's Dick.

00:56:40But remember, my last name's Burns.

00:56:42What am I supposed to do?

00:56:43How you doing?

00:56:44Dick Burns.

00:56:46So, you know, about five years ago, we started this,

00:56:48taken off, done pretty well, made a little money,

00:56:50had a lot of fun, right?

00:56:52Hey, aren't you Dre Sims?

00:56:53Yes.

00:56:54Host of Hip Hop Comedy Showcase, right?

00:56:55Yes, I am.

00:56:56Oh, damn, dude, I'm a huge fan of your show, man.

00:56:58Thank you very much, man.

00:56:59I saw your set.

00:57:00It was all right.

00:57:01Oh, that's cool, man.

00:57:02I'm such a fan, I swear.

00:57:03I love your show, man.

00:57:04Sit down.

00:57:05Oh, really?

00:57:06Oh, cool, man.

00:57:07Because I, oh, shit, sorry about that, man.

00:57:08I didn't mean to get all over you there.

00:57:09So what's the deal with this guy, Todd Adams?

00:57:13Yeah.

00:57:15Well, he said that you were using his material, or you...

00:57:18What?

00:57:19I was using, he said that I was using his material?

00:57:23Well, yeah, I mean, something like that,

00:57:25like you bought his jokes, or you bought his material.

00:57:28I bought my material from Todd Adams.

00:57:31He made a big point of saying it, yeah.

00:57:34I was wondering what it takes to, like, get on the show.

00:57:38I'd like to get on the show if I could.

00:57:40You understand that it's a black show?

00:57:42Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:57:43And you realize you're white?

00:57:46Yeah, what's the problem?

00:57:50Black show, like the Apollo, right?

00:57:53Black audiences coming to see black comics.

00:57:57Yeah, but I work black rooms all the time.

00:57:58They love me.

00:57:59Black audiences love me.

00:58:00I kick ass in the black rooms.

00:58:01I gotta tell you, man, I've had a few white people on before, man.

00:58:04They suck, man.

00:58:05They don't do very well.

00:58:07Yeah, but I can do it, you know why?

00:58:08I can do it, you know why?

00:58:09Because I'll tell you something.

00:58:10Because I know, like, no color lines, okay?

00:58:13I don't know no color lines.

00:58:14And I don't even think, to be honest with you,

00:58:16that color has anything to do with pigmentation.

00:58:19Okay, so wait.

00:58:20If color has nothing to do with pigmentation, what is color?

00:58:25It's about what you have to say, man.

00:58:27It's like who you are, what your point is,

00:58:29what's your message to all the people.

00:58:31That's what it's about.

00:58:32Your message.

00:58:33Yeah.

00:58:34So you've been talking to Jared, right?

00:58:36I'm serious, man.

00:58:37I'm serious.

00:58:38No, look, dude, I can do a black comedy from a white perspective.

00:58:45Black comedy from a white perspective?

00:58:47Yeah, man, I speak Ebonics.

00:58:48Okay, wait.

00:58:49Okay, I'll tell you what.

00:58:51I'm going to give you my card, man.

00:58:52All right.

00:58:53We're having auditions all around the country, you know,

00:58:55and we'll be back here in about six months,

00:58:57and I'll get you an audition for next season.

00:58:58Really? For reals?

00:58:59Yes, for reals, YBT.

00:59:01Now, come on.

00:59:02Dude, that's killer, man.

00:59:03That sounds so killer.

00:59:04I'm going to be in touch.

00:59:05Don't say killer.

00:59:06No.

00:59:07All right.

00:59:08Word.

00:59:09Word.

00:59:10Huh?

00:59:11All right, cool.

00:59:12Thanks, man.

00:59:13I'll call you.

00:59:14Six months.

00:59:15I'll call you.

00:59:16Six months.

00:59:17All right, cool.

00:59:18No sooner.

00:59:19Cool.

00:59:20All right.

00:59:21That guy, he opened for me at a one-nighter in Montana.

00:59:22He's been waiting.

00:59:23He's been asking me to take him on the road with me.

00:59:27Shit, he lives here, and he can't even get into this club.

00:59:32Well, actually, he said he was going to be here tomorrow night,

00:59:34and I should totally check out the show.

00:59:37He's doing a guest set?

00:59:38Yeah.

00:59:39No shit.

00:59:41Oh, man, I am going to give him so much shit.

00:59:44No, you know what?

00:59:45Better yet, I don't even have to.

00:59:47He's going to hang himself up there.

00:59:49What's that?

00:59:50Talking about Todd Adams.

00:59:52You know him?

00:59:53That guy?

00:59:54Oh, he was at the bar earlier?

00:59:55Not funny, right?

00:59:56No, he sucks.

00:59:57Yeah, I know him.

00:59:58Yeah.

01:00:00No, he told Cheryl that I buy my material from him.

01:00:04Yeah.

01:00:05No way.

01:00:06Only the best jokes, he said.

01:00:07What a fucking idiot.

01:00:08I know, man.

01:00:09He's doing a guest set here tomorrow night.

01:00:10Dude, are you going to beat his ass or what?

01:00:11I'd beat his ass.

01:00:12No, you know what?

01:00:13Let me beat him.

01:00:14Let me do it, because I fucking hate him.

01:00:15Motherfucker!

01:00:16Non-funny motherfucker!

01:00:17I want him!

01:00:19Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce.

01:00:20I'm going to let him do his shit.

01:00:22He'll fucking beat his own ass.

01:00:25Dude, I saw you talking to Dre Simms over there.

01:00:30What's that about?

01:00:31I don't know.

01:00:32I was talking to him about getting auditioned for a hip-hop comedy showcase.

01:00:38Why?

01:00:40What do you mean, why?

01:00:41Dude, have you seen that show?

01:00:42Have you seen the people on that show, dude?

01:00:43Yeah.

01:00:44They all do the same act.

01:00:46Yeah, exactly.

01:00:47And they get the TV show with the ass.

01:00:49Everybody that's been on that is now working in a sitcom or a movie or something.

01:00:54I'm thinking that's my calling.

01:00:56Yeah, but Sean, you forget one minor thing.

01:01:01You're white.

01:01:03They don't like white people on that show.

01:01:05No, dude.

01:01:06That's not true.

01:01:07They just don't relate to what most white comics are talking about.

01:01:11That's the problem.

01:01:12Uh-huh.

01:01:13I'm going to do a whole different set, okay?

01:01:15I'm going to do black comedy, all right?

01:01:17From a white perspective.

01:01:20Black comedy from a white perspective.

01:01:22That's a high concept there, yeah.

01:01:24And what are you going to talk about growing up in the hood?

01:01:27You're from Los Gatos, California, vanilla latte.

01:01:30What could you possibly relate to?

01:01:33You said it yourself.

01:01:34They all do the same act, right?

01:01:36All I got to do is watch some of the tapes, watch the show.

01:01:40Then all I got to do is take all the niggas and change it to crackers or honkies.

01:01:45I'm fucking set.

01:01:47Well, good luck, man.

01:01:49You've got a set of balls on you anyway, I'll tell you that.

01:01:52Maybe it'll work.

01:01:53Damn straight.

01:01:55Wow.

01:01:56Dude, I had to tell you.

01:01:59That pot shit was so fucking great.

01:02:03It was so fucking true, man.

01:02:09I can't believe you don't smoke pot no more, man.

01:02:12You're fucking lying.

01:02:16You're a closet toker and it's 420, dude.

01:02:20Really?

01:02:21Hey, I got some kind bud loaded in my bong right now in the parking lot.

01:02:27Let's fire it up, bro.

01:02:30Thanks, but I really did quit.

01:02:34Pot smokers don't quit, they graduate.

01:02:39I'm just giving you shit, bro.

01:02:41You drive around with a bong?

01:02:45Actually, it's a water pipe.

01:02:48I work at one of those head shops and it's illegal for us to call it a bong.

01:02:52That's why when you go in there, they always say it's for tobacco.

01:02:57Really?

01:02:58No shit.

01:02:59Because pot's fucking illegal, you know?

01:03:03Really?

01:03:04Uh-huh.

01:03:06Thanks, man.

01:03:07Thank you, bro.

01:03:08Yeah.

01:03:14Dude, is that thing on, bro?

01:03:17Yeah.

01:03:22Hey, man, can you do like that squiggly thing to my face like on cops?

01:03:26Because if my boss sees this, I'm fucked.

01:03:29And if my parole, six months, I have to keep a job.

01:03:34Fuck, I'm out of here.

01:03:36Good luck, bro.

01:03:37You're going places.

01:03:38Thanks, man.

01:03:39So, do you guys always come out to see Rich?

01:03:42Oh, yeah, we come here all the time.

01:03:44This is the first time we've been here twice in one week, though.

01:03:47This Rich Burns guy is hysterical.

01:03:49We love Dick.

01:03:50Dick rocks.

01:03:51We love Dick.

01:03:53The good news is Jared has decided to give you five minutes of his stage time.

01:03:57Great.

01:03:58You'll be wearing that?

01:03:59Yeah, pretty cool, huh?

01:04:02So, five minutes means you're off the stage by 8.20, not 8.21, not 8.19, 8.20.

01:04:09Understood?

01:04:10Got it, got it, 8.20.

01:04:11No problem.

01:04:12You want to see some magic?

01:04:15I'll be watching.

01:04:16Cool, because I'm going to kick some ass.

01:04:18Pay attention.

01:04:22Okay, we'll see.

01:04:28I keep going for Bill.

01:04:30You good?

01:04:31Yeah, absolutely.

01:04:32So, how's it going, y'all?

01:04:33I'm Todd Adams.

01:04:34You doing pretty good?

01:04:35Yeah.

01:04:36Yeah, good.

01:04:37So, I'm a comic.

01:04:39I'm from Sacramento.

01:04:40The Freshmaker.

01:04:43The Freshmaker.

01:04:45Yeah, all right.

01:04:46So, I've been traveling around quite a bit, you know, trying to watch a little TV, a little bit of the Yan Can Cook.

01:04:55What's the deal with that motherfucker anyway?

01:04:57Didn't my dad shoot him in the ass?

01:04:59Dude, he's got like five minutes.

01:05:00When's he going to get to his set?

01:05:01Come on, Yan Can, get me a soda.

01:05:02This is a set.

01:05:03You know what I'm talking about, mister, right?

01:05:05Yeah, he knows.

01:05:07So, I'm taking a shit, right?

01:05:10And it's not one of the nice chunky ones, one of the easy ones that you're going to use less than half a roll.

01:05:17I'm talking about a wet one, you know, where it's like going down and splashing on my butt.

01:05:22You know, sir, yeah, you feel me on that.

01:05:25My dad, ladies and gentlemen.

01:05:26I can't.

01:05:27I told him.

01:05:28I specifically told him five minutes.

01:05:30You heard him say five minutes, right?

01:05:32Five minutes.

01:05:33And I've been giving him the light now for like two minutes.

01:05:35That's seven minutes.

01:05:37You know what it is?

01:05:38He's inconsiderate.

01:05:39He is oblivious to his actions and he's inconsiderate.

01:05:44Seven minutes.

01:05:45That is intolerable.

01:05:46You know, maybe something clever like balls anew.

01:05:48You ever drink and, you know, you wake up the next day with injuries?

01:05:53You know, like a broken hand from beating your kids?

01:05:58Beat your kids is what I'm getting at.

01:06:00You know what I'm saying?

01:06:01There'd be a lot less trouble in the world if people just keep the spanking going.

01:06:05And I'm not just talking about me and the neighbor.

01:06:08Didn't see the other lights yet.

01:06:09Patrick, you, off.

01:06:10You, off.

01:06:12Oh, this.

01:06:16He is never going to work in my club again.

01:06:18Because I specifically told him five minutes.

01:06:21What is it?

01:06:22Ten minutes.

01:06:23I've told him already.

01:06:24Oh, he is.

01:06:28Light him.

01:06:30So, uh, this is Dirty Socky's impression of Jack Nicholson.

01:06:34Okay, everybody ready?

01:06:35Dirty Socky doing Jack Nicholson.

01:06:39You know who Jack Nicholson is, sir?

01:06:41Yeah.

01:06:42Okay, well, here we go.

01:06:44Here's Socky.

01:06:49Get him off my stage.

01:06:51Get him off Jared's stage.

01:06:53Don't you have an emcee for this or what?

01:06:55I have him on a very important project.

01:06:58He cannot be interrupted right now.

01:07:02I don't care what you say.

01:07:03Just get him off the friggin' stage, okay?

01:07:05Alright, come on.

01:07:06Go.

01:07:07Alright.

01:07:09So, uh, yeah.

01:07:10How about a hand for your waitstaff, everybody?

01:07:12Are your waitstaff working?

01:07:14Yeah, I'll tell you something.

01:07:15One of these girls is going to have a kid.

01:07:18I've decided.

01:07:21Plenty of time.

01:07:22So, uh, I travel around the country a lot.

01:07:26Been over to Wyoming.

01:07:28Boy, those people are stupid.

01:07:31I, uh, I was thinking about...

01:07:33Hey, Todd Adams, ladies and gentlemen.

01:07:34Give it up for Todd.

01:07:35Let's hear it for Todd.

01:07:36Yeah, how about it for me?

01:07:37Yeah, everybody.

01:07:38Hey, what do you think?

01:07:39So, uh.

01:07:40Come on, man.

01:07:41So how about those Asian drivers, huh?

01:07:43Hey, Jesus Christo.

01:07:44If I see another Aslanian in my rear view, people.

01:07:47You know who I'm talking about?

01:07:49Hey, so folks, thanks a lot.

01:07:50I'm Todd Adams.

01:07:51Tip your wait...

01:07:52Whoa, whoa.

01:07:53Hey.

01:07:54Hey.

01:07:55What the hell was that?

01:07:56What was what?

01:07:57What the fuck are you doing up there?

01:07:58I said five minutes.

01:07:59Did I say five minutes?

01:08:00You said five minutes.

01:08:01See?

01:08:02I said five minutes.

01:08:03And you did ten minutes.

01:08:04I had to have your ass dragged off the friggin' stage.

01:08:05What the fuck you doing?

01:08:06Well, I figured, you know, since I was killing...

01:08:07You were killing?

01:08:08You were killing.

01:08:09I was killing, I was killing.

01:08:10I was killing.

01:08:11I was killing.

01:08:12I was killing.

01:08:13I was killing.

01:08:14I was killing.

01:08:15I was killing.

01:08:16I was killing.

01:08:17I was killing.

01:08:18You were killing?

01:08:19Yeah, you were killing me.

01:08:20What audience were you performing in front of?

01:08:22You were killing my business.

01:08:24Look, pal.

01:08:25When I say five minutes, I mean five minutes.

01:08:27Five minutes.

01:08:28Period.

01:08:30You're never gonna work here.

01:08:31Ever.

01:08:32I never want to see you in my club again.

01:08:34Now get the fuck out of here.

01:08:37Hey.

01:08:38The door is that way.

01:08:40I gotta get my stuff out of the green room.

01:08:42Oh, you gotta get your stuff.

01:08:44Hey, I tell you what.

01:08:45I'll give you five minutes.

01:08:46five minutes. Can you do five minutes? That'd be really good. Come on, I'll tell you what,

01:08:51I'll give you a light at four. See, I still got the light. See? Can you see it now? Is

01:08:55it close enough? What do you think I was trying to do, land a fucking plane?

01:08:59Hey, buddy. That was a nice set. Hey, thanks, man.

01:09:05Sure. Hey, you know that joke about Yen Can Cook? Can I buy that outfit?

01:09:13Did you get paid? Yeah, you?

01:09:16Yeah. Yeah. What time's the plane taking off tomorrow?

01:09:23Early. Like eight o'clock, I think. I gotta check when I get back to the condo.

01:09:29You gonna need a ride back to the airport or something? Because I'm taking off early

01:09:33in the morning, so if you need a ride, I'll take you.

01:09:35No, I think so. But Jared said he'd give me a ride.

01:09:38Oh, really? Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I think, I don't know, I'm thinking about, what are

01:09:44you gonna do? Are you gonna hang out or are you going back to the condo right now, or

01:09:47what's going on? I think I'm gonna bail.

01:09:51Oh, really? I think, yeah, I think I'm gonna get packed

01:09:54and go to bed. Oh, that's cool, yeah. I'm thinking about,

01:09:59you know, hanging out for a little while. Oh, yeah?

01:10:03Blow my check, you know, something like that, I don't know.

01:10:05Have fun. Yeah, thanks, man.

01:10:07Hey, I was gonna ask you, did Jared give you a week back here already?

01:10:12He told me to call him next week. Oh, really?

01:10:14Yeah, he loves me now. Oh, really? That's cool.

01:10:16Yeah, he said he's gonna put a call in to his friend at the mo show.

01:10:19Oh, really? Does he actually know people at the mo show, or what?

01:10:22I don't know, that's what he says. Really?

01:10:24We'll find out. Well, good luck with that, man.

01:10:26I hope that goes for you. Thanks, man.

01:10:28Give me a call when you get back or hang out or something.

01:10:30Oh, I will, I will, sure. Yeah, definitely.

01:10:32Thank you. Sure. Thanks again.

01:10:34Sure. Hey, you two drive home safely, okay?

01:10:38Okay. Bye. Bye.

01:10:40Hey, we'll see you, man. All right, buddy.

01:10:43So, uh, so, uh, what do you think of me now, you know?

01:10:49Funny? Interesting? Stimulating?

01:10:53Yeah, but you still don't have a chance.

01:10:59I figured, you know, what the hell, right?

01:11:01Probably the last time I'm gonna see you, right, I might as well at least try.

01:11:04I probably would have been strangely disappointed if you hadn't, so...

01:11:07Well, then, in that case, how about, you know, how about, like, a goodbye hug, something like that?

01:11:10Oh, God, no, no, your sister.

01:11:12She might be jealous, the whole thing.

01:11:15Oh, really? Yeah.

01:11:17I kinda knew she'd like me, what'd she say?

01:11:19So, how are things since I last saw you?

01:11:21Good, good. I, uh, I got a spot on the mo show.

01:11:25You did? Oh, my God, congratulations.

01:11:27Thank you. So, when is it happening?

01:11:29Um, two weeks from Thursday.

01:11:31God, I'll be there.

01:11:33Thanks, you guys, but wait, there's more. I got one for you.

01:11:35What's this right here, huh? Huh? Kate Moss clothes hanger right there.

01:11:39That's right, I found this floating out in the ocean out there.

01:11:41You know what kind of wood that is right there, sir, right there?

01:11:43What kind of wood? It's a Natalie wood.

01:11:45So, speaking of Sean, have you seen or heard from him since Sacramento?

01:11:49Uh, yeah, actually, he called me yesterday.

01:11:52He, uh, he's gonna be back up at Jared's next week for the comedy hip-hop showcase audition.

01:11:58Wow. I'm gonna go.

01:12:00You are? Yeah, do you wanna go?

01:12:02Yeah.

01:12:04All right, everybody, I want y'all to kick on back and relax and enjoy this next young man

01:12:08coming up to the stage right now from Los Gatos, California.

01:12:12Show your love for Sean Payne.

01:12:14What's up, what's up, how you guys doing, what's going on?

01:12:17Hip-hop comedy showcase.

01:12:19I pull down my pants, the bitch is like, God damn.

01:12:22Man, that's the whitest brother I have ever seen, you know what I mean?

01:12:25And they're looking at me and they're like, damn, man, this guy, he's got, like, more white meat than Thanksgiving.

01:12:30I think he could stay in the pussy for days, man.

01:12:33No, because we have to, you know what I mean?

01:12:35Because we ain't got that big shit that y'all got, you know what I mean?

01:12:38So we gotta stay there for, like, three, four days, you know?

01:12:41And you know we invented oral sex, too, right?

01:12:43You know that. You know the brothers don't be doing that shit.

01:12:45We invented that shit. I make a picnic out of it, you know?

01:12:48I take a bib and shit, I'm all up in that motherfucker, you know what I'm talking about?

01:12:51I just get down, I just get dirty, you know what I'm talking about?

01:12:53But there really is a difference in the way that we make love, you know what I mean?

01:12:57You can see it in, like, the cars we drive.

01:13:00Yeah.

01:13:01Because, like, a white guy, man, cracker drive like a little old economy car, right?

01:13:05It's small, you know, it gets good gas mileage, goes long on one tank, you know what I'm talking about?

01:13:11But a brother drive a big-ass motherfucking Caddy, you know what I'm talking about?

01:13:14I mean, it's, like, just big. I mean, this ain't made for the daily commute, right?

01:13:18It's big and flashy. It's like, yo, check this shit out, right?

01:13:21I mean, they just be, it's like the fucking joy ride. It's the pleasure shit, right?

01:13:24They just rolling, you know what I'm talking about?

01:13:26Because, I mean, think about it, man. I mean, nigga don't give a fuck about no ozone, right?

01:13:29I mean, nigga be blasting holes up in that motherfucker.

01:13:32Yo, man, what you say?

01:13:35Oh, shit.

01:13:37A few days later, it was Richard's turn on national television.

01:13:40Anyway, thank you for your time, and I've been Rich Burns. Have a good night.

01:13:45All right. Rich Burns. Very funny stuff, ladies and gentlemen.

01:13:48Come on over, man. Very funny stuff.

01:13:50Very funny stuff.

01:13:52All right.

01:13:55Good job. Very funny.

01:13:57Thank you. Thanks, Mel.

01:13:59You know, believe it or not, I saw you a couple years ago at a club in Hollywood.

01:14:03Um, I don't remember the name of the club, though.

01:14:06Oh, really?

01:14:08Well, I guess I must have left a pretty good impression on you then, huh?

01:14:12Actually, you did.

01:14:13Thanks. Thanks, Mel. Yeah, I've been working hard.

01:14:16Well, how long you been doing comedy?

01:14:19Uh, just, like, three minutes. That's okay.

01:14:23No, I mean, in your entire career thus far.

01:14:25Oh, oh. Um, like ten years or so.

01:14:29Ten years?

01:14:30Yeah.

01:14:31Wow. Well, you know what they say.

01:14:33There's no such thing as an overnight success.

01:14:35So, you still enjoy doing the road, the traveling, the people, or have you gotten sick of it by now?

01:14:42Oh, no. No, I love it. I love it. I do.

01:14:44I mean, sure, it can be tedious on the road at times, but, uh, no.

01:14:48I mean, I've got the greatest job in the world.

01:14:50I, uh, I get to travel around and make people happy.

01:14:54You know, I mean, what more can I ask for?

01:14:58Well, you do a fine job at it. And please, keep it up.

01:15:01Thanks, Mel. Thanks.

01:15:02Ladies and gentlemen, Rich Byrne.

01:15:07So there you have it. The life of a stand-up comic.

01:15:09Some may end up on the road for life.

01:15:11For some, that road leads to mega stardom.

01:15:14Others may eventually turn off the road, and some may never find the road at all.

01:15:18But for those who truly love what they do, there is no better life.

01:15:23I'm Cheryl Larson, and as they say in the clubs, thank you for supporting live comedy.

01:15:28Good night.

01:15:29Good night.

01:16:00Oh, oh, and I'll never get enough

01:16:03It's like fire, you burn me up

01:16:05You burn me up

01:16:07You're a high ball of flame

01:16:09You burn me up

01:16:11You're a love I cannot take

01:16:14Oh, oh, and I'll never get enough

01:16:17It's like fire, you burn me up

01:16:19Whoo!

01:16:30All my kids keep tellin' me

01:16:33Be back down home

01:16:35Find yourself another

01:16:37Who will build my happy home

01:16:40And I'll have to tell them

01:16:42Tell the way that I really flash

01:16:45You're my firecracker

01:16:47I'm your magic flash

01:16:49Oh, oh, and I'll never get enough

01:16:52It's like fire, you burn me up

01:16:54You burn me up

01:16:56You burn me up

01:16:58You burn me up

01:17:00You're a high ball of flame

01:17:02You burn me up

01:17:04You're a love I cannot take

01:17:07Oh, oh, and I'll never get enough

01:17:10It's like fire, you burn me up

01:17:12Whoo!

01:17:14Ray?

01:17:15Yes?

01:17:16I think we need to get back to Richie.

01:17:18This is about Richie.

01:17:21I think he's brilliant.

01:17:23I think he has a wonderful stage presence.

01:17:26And I also think he has a warmth and a charisma that...

01:17:29Oh!

01:17:30It's just unstoppable.

01:17:31God, what would you know about charisma?

01:17:35Uh, you know, he's not even a handsome man-child.

01:17:39He's got the teeth of Thai power.

01:17:42And, well, what do you know?

01:17:46You have no taste.

01:17:47Obviously.

01:17:48Look at what I crawl into next to every night.

01:17:51Oh, please.

01:17:52I was the one who took you in.

01:17:54I had a thing for a wounded animal.

01:18:01You.

01:18:02This is coming from a man who knows nothing about show business.

01:18:05What do you know about show business?

01:18:06Nothing.

01:18:07You know nothing about show business.

01:18:08I thought La Cage Aux Folles was a documentary.

01:18:11You goddamn festering old snatch.

01:18:15Well, to you.

01:18:18Stop your camera.

01:18:20I'm finished.

01:18:23And every...

01:18:24Over.

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