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00:00They say I might as well face the truth But I am just too long in the tooth
00:08So I'm an OAP and we mean But I've not yet quite gone to seed
00:15I may be over the hill now that I have retired Fading away but I've not yet expired
00:23Clamped out, run down, too old to save One foot in the grave
00:53No, no, come in, come in Jack, it's Mr Meldrew from across the road
00:57They just had a robbery It's just them, help yourself
01:00Isn't that terrible?
01:01Nero, dear, when was this, this morning?
01:04Just now, we'd both been out shopping, I mean, we'd only been gone an hour
01:08We came back and the whole place has been absolutely...
01:10Hello, could I have the police please?
01:13Uh-huh, you see, I told you they were burglars
01:17That's 50p you owe me
01:20Oh, you've got to be joking, I don't know why this referee isn't wearing an Italian shirt, I really don't
01:25What do you mean?
01:26Sorry?
01:27What do you mean that's 50p she owes you?
01:31What do you mean told her they were burglars?
01:33Um, well there were these four men earlier on, dressed a bit like the SAS
01:39Doing what?
01:41Um, well they were coming out of your front door carrying a three-piece suite
01:46One of them winked at me and gave me the thumbs-up sign so naturally I assumed they were removal men
01:51Winked at you and gave you the thumbs-up sign?
01:54Removal men be buggered, I said to her, I bet they're stealing his furniture
01:58Oh no, you've been watching too many episodes of Crimewatch with all I've got
02:02Oh, oh, this could be dangerous, this could be dangerous
02:05Wow, well said, yes!
02:08You mean you watched them taking it out and all you did was say, I bet you they're burglars?
02:14They were ransacking my bloody house!
02:17They were as nice as ninepence to us, weren't they? I mean, didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet or anything
02:22Yes, but you can't go by appearances, that's the way they get away with that sort of...
02:27What do you mean didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet?
02:31They weren't in here, were they?
02:33They said it was very thirsty work, the one with the tattoo on his nose
02:37Said he could murder him like a quick brew
02:39Very thirsty work, I should think it bloody was
02:43You know they were stripping my house to bits in broad daylight
02:46As many as you please and you invite them in for morning tea
02:50What is this, Buster Edwards Private Catering Company?
02:54And two boxes of Mr Kipling's almond slices, they wolfed back between the four of them
02:58Talk about gannets, I wonder if they didn't eat the plates
03:01I'll tell you this, I'm beginning to regret giving them that jumpstart for their van now
03:05Oh, just save the woodwork, bad luck my son!
03:10Jumpstart? You're not serious?
03:13Well, the van wouldn't start, the battery was flat, I mean we were only trying to be good Samaritans
03:18Good Samaritans? Oh, hello, yes, I'd like to report a burglary please
03:23And two extremely brutal murders
03:29You want to disinfect the place from top to bottom
03:33Just have to leave it to those two detectives now, hope they manage to catch them
03:37Well, detectives, when I opened it to her I thought it was two schoolboys come to ask for their ball back
03:42Well, they walked like a duck, I suppose you noticed that
03:46Well, I grant you they're a bit young but they were very methodical
03:49Just because somebody walks like a duck doesn't mean he's not good at his job
03:53I've been interviewed by Titch and Quackers
03:56And look at this, you can't tell me this is methodical
03:59Dusting a cucumber for fingerprints
04:02I thought it had milled you, look at it
04:05I looked in the bathroom and saw one of them spraying their stuff in the lavatory seat
04:10I mean, what's the idea behind that? Scotland Yard got everyone's buttocks in a pile now, haven't they?
04:16Yes, well now you know what it's like with you and your talcum powder
04:20What's that supposed to mean?
04:22Lift the lid on that seat sometimes, you'd think someone had spilt a sherbet dab
04:27Anyway, can't we just drop the whole thing now please?
04:31I've just about had enough for one day
04:35Oh, God!
04:38It's a wonder they managed to get through these doors to steal anything
04:42Three weeks this carpet's been down
04:45Are we ever going to have these things shaved or not?
04:48Sorry?
04:50It's just about driving me up the bloody wall
04:54On top of everything else
04:56Well, we both agreed to wait for Chippy Joe to come back from holiday
04:59There's no point in getting people in if they're going to charge an arm and a leg
05:02They've left behind that bottle of dodgy Greek brandy
05:06You want some?
05:08Suppose, yes
05:10Still get all the joys of reporting it to the insurance company yet
05:14That'll be about as much fun as a kidney infection
05:19Thanks
05:28Yes, I'm enjoying this glass of glue
05:33Oh, what a day
05:39Oh, by the way, I've managed to get us out of Meg's wedding on Saturday
05:43So you needn't shoot yourself in the foot to be excused attendance
05:48You know what I'm like with weddings
05:51It was bad enough at your nephew's last year when that organ exploded
05:56Don't remind me
05:58Then there was a father of the bride coming down the aisle with that unfortunate fungal infection
06:03My mother turned round and thought it was a phantom of the opera
06:09But we're never going to get her to stop screaming
06:12God, that bloody video cameraman they hired
06:17Got us to pose under a tree and a bird's nest fell in my head
06:23Stood there like Jesus of Nazareth
06:27An egg yolk dribbling down my nose
06:32I told her a white lie and said you'd been rushed to hospital for an emergency prostate operation
06:39I had
06:41We can still get her a present
06:44She said she could do with a decent pair of salad tongs
06:47Perhaps I'll see what I can find tomorrow
06:51Hmm
06:56Couldn't believe that pair across the road today
06:59Every time you go into their house all they're doing is watching television
07:05I know
07:07It's amazing to think that's all some people's lives revolve around
07:11A box in the corner of the room
07:15You take it away and you wonder what they find to do
07:18I know
07:27Ruth Rendell will be on now
07:31Oh God, really?
07:34You see, that's exactly what I mean
07:36Takes over your whole bloody life
07:39You sit here gazing at all that tripe night after night
07:44But for now all we can do without it
07:47What?
07:48You mean not get another one?
07:51Wish I could bring the damn thing years ago
07:53What?
07:54Wish I could bring the damn thing years ago
07:56Give us more of a chance to get out
07:57Do something more worthwhile with ourselves of an evening
08:02Get out?
08:05Where?
08:20I don't believe it
08:22Sorry?
08:23I thought it was when I was over there
08:27You don't remember me, do you?
08:29Billy Whitney
08:301B Stopsley Road Secondary
08:36My God!
08:38Billy Whitney!
08:40This must be the coincidence of all time
08:43It's been 50 years
08:45God, how are you?
08:47I never ever...
08:48Actually, you haven't changed
08:50I haven't changed a bit
08:53My God, Stopsley Road, eh?
08:56There were some characters there in those days, eh?
08:59Oh God, yes
09:01Who was that bloke who kept putting his face in the tomato soup?
09:06Bit of a mummy's boy, always wore a bar of clover in the showers
09:14Poxy Gaitsgill
09:15Gaskell
09:16Gaskell, that's right, Poxy Gaskell
09:20And that mad character with the trousers like a circus clown
09:24Remember, everybody in assembly used to stick handkerchiefs in their mouths to stop themselves laughing
09:30What was his name?
09:35Meldrew, Victor Meldrew
09:41Oh God, he was a pillock, wasn't he, eh?
09:45There's a big drawing of him on the wall in the girls' toilet
09:52I can see it to this day
09:59Oh yes, you'd remember him, Steve
10:02Because a lot of people thought that...
10:04A lot of people thought that the two of you looked a bit similar at one time of day
10:09Victor Meldrew, eh?
10:11Yeah, he was the right bastard, no, I think
10:16Yes, well, actually, Billy, I think you...
10:19Why, Jess, I remember now
10:21I gave him my hamster one year to look after while I was on holiday
10:25I came home and found that his cat had eaten it
10:29Well, I mean, that was bad enough, except he tried to palm it off as a suicide
10:35Gave me some tale about it throwing itself off the sideboard into the path of a speeding marble
10:41Said his mother must have been crossbred with a lemming or something
10:45Yeah, I'd forgotten every word about it until now
10:48Yes, well, I'm sure it was an accident
10:54Strangers
10:55Can't get away from each other
10:57Meg, I didn't know this was your local
11:00No, it's one of Billy's
11:02I'm not sure if he's here yet
11:04Oh yes, there he is
11:08Just been up to the hospital, have you?
11:10Sorry?
11:11A vodka and tonic, please
11:13How is he?
11:15Nasty things, Tristana's
11:17My first husband had one
11:20Said it was like trying to empty a hot water bottle with someone standing on a nozzle
11:27Anyway, now you're here, you can come and say hello to my attendant
11:31Oh, are you meeting someone else?
11:33No, no, I just fancied a quick one
11:41Hello, love
11:43Sorry I'm late, busted again
11:48This is Margaret from the florist
11:50You remember I told you her husband was rushed to the hospital the other night with lethal phlegm?
11:58Nice to meet you, Margaret, how's he doing? All right?
12:01In absolute agony, I should think, isn't he?
12:05I would imagine so, yes
12:08Oh, I'm sorry, this is an old mate of mine, Steve Posnett
12:16This is Meg, my bride-to-be on Saturday
12:19Hello, Steve
12:20And this is Margaret, who works in the same shop
12:24Pleased to meet you, Steve
12:27Nice to meet you
12:32So you live near here then, Margaret?
12:35Riverbank
12:37Oh, I know, it's very handy for the rubbish tip
12:41And what about you, Steve?
12:43Where do you live?
12:48Er, Dunhill
12:52Up by the park, that's quite near us
12:55Is it?
12:57Well, actually I know this is going to sound silly and I should have said it before
13:01Oh, Meg! Let me show you
13:05What do you think of these?
13:07I bought them in that little shop for you just inside the mall
13:11Oh, Margaret, they're lovely
13:16Very elegant
13:17Not too expensive, I hope
13:19I'll wrap them up
13:21Do it properly
13:22Isn't that sweet?
13:24I told her we could do with a pair
13:26Crocker jock love, I'm sorry, Steve, you were about to say
13:29Well, I know this is going to sound foolish, but...
13:39It's just...
13:44You all right?
13:46Would anyone like another drink at all?
13:51That's a latte, that's lovely
13:53See you tomorrow, 8.30 sharp
13:56Night, Margaret, lovely to have met you
13:58You too, Kevin
14:00Good night, Mr. President
14:02Good night, er...
14:04Actually, I just thought...
14:08I can get out here and walk the rest of the way
14:11Are you mad? It's miles
14:14It's about to pocket down any minute if we go right past your ward
14:19Yes
14:24Thanks
14:26Bye
14:36Oh, I feel so sorry for that woman
14:39Oh, why is that, then?
14:40Well, her husband's a mental case, you know
14:44I've never met him
14:46By all accounts, it's a blessing they're not going to find him
14:51Which one is it, Steve?
14:53Erm...
14:55Just the next corner, here
14:57Right to your ward
14:59All right, so...
15:01Thanks very much, then
15:03Good night, Meg
15:04Good night, Steve
15:07Bye
15:20Oh, my...
15:22God!
15:51Ah!
15:53What are you up to?
15:54I thought you'd gone in
15:55What?
15:56You don't think I could use your loo, do you?
15:59I should have done before I left the pub
16:01But I don't think I'm going to last otherwise
16:03Hmm?
16:05Yes
16:08I'd really rather not waking anyone up at this time of night
16:12You go on in, you're getting soaked with the skin
16:15I'll be fine
16:17Yes, right
16:47Come on
17:02I've been looking for this bloody thing everywhere
17:10Eee-Cha!
17:17I don't know why you had to get up. You'd feel much better if you stayed in bed.
17:22I feel worse when I stay in bed.
17:30Oh, you're not going to start having an argument with Chippy Joe now?
17:34Four hours I waited in for him yesterday.
17:37My God, people come when they say they will.
17:40I'm picking up Radio 5 again.
17:49I'm going to buy a new telephone when I come back with John Traubank.
17:55I won't kiss you because of the germs. I'll see you later. Bye.
18:00Bye.
18:06Morning, Mr Mildrew. You well?
18:08Where the hell have you been?
18:10We did say Wednesday, didn't we?
18:21How much do you want off these exactly?
18:23Just enough so they open, but not enough for a draft.
18:28I said how much do you want off these, Mr Mildrew?
18:32Just shave them.
18:34Just a quick shave? Anything off the top at all?
18:37Yes, I have a shampoo and set.
18:40And some, like, hair loose and the handles just get open.
18:51I suppose you know you've got a chicken's head in your drainage.
18:58And your postman's leg's got a piece of drainpipe in it.
19:02There's bloody chicks on you, aren't there?
19:06Aren't you trying to be of assistance?
19:31Ahem!
19:36Trust me, sir, you've got a bit of a cold coming on there, Mr Mildrew.
19:53Get off this bloody line!
19:56I've just about had enough of this.
20:02HUMMING
20:05Hello, operator, can I...
20:07Hello!
20:09Oh, God, there's a bloody telephone service!
20:17I'll have to try them again later.
20:31Oh!
20:33Oh!
20:36SIGHS
20:57For God's sake, is he supposed to have done this at all?
21:01Oh, no!
21:06SCREAMS
21:16I was going to say, be careful with this door, Mr Mildrew.
21:21I haven't screwed it back in yet.
21:36LAUGHTER
21:40SIGHS
22:01LAUGHTER
22:04You won't see it from there.
22:07What?
22:09Columbo on Mrs Aylesbury's television.
22:14I was just wondering what episode it was.
22:17Still seen them all a dozen times in, are we?
22:34LAUGHTER
23:04LAUGHTER
23:22Oh, for God's sake!
23:26Will you sit down and stop fidgeting about as though you've got some vitals done?
23:33What's the matter with you?
23:35Me?
23:36I knew this would happen.
23:37What?
23:38Getting all catchy because you don't have television to watch.
23:43Take me?
23:45It's you! You don't know where you are!
23:48Who doesn't?
23:49I'd get more peace with a family of orangutans swinging through the room.
23:53I don't miss it, so you needn't think that. I don't miss it at all.
23:56I'm only too glad I've had a chance to do other things.
24:03PHONE RINGS
24:09Oh, it's them back.
24:10Who?
24:11The two detectors.
24:12They've probably come to tell us about our furniture.
24:21Ah, yes, right.
24:25Well, I'm just off to the police station then.
24:28What for? What's happened?
24:29Er, I've been arrested.
24:32Apparently.
24:34I will be a tick.
24:40Evening, Mrs Meldrew.
24:42I'm afraid we're going to have to take your husband away to help us with our inquiries.
24:46As they say in the police force.
24:48What's he supposed to have done?
24:50Earlier today, a phone call of an unusually indecent nature, traced back to this number,
24:56was made to a young lady working as an operator at British Telecom.
25:00The usual low, husky voice, whispering a stream of obscenities.
25:05Obscenities?
25:07The line was not a good one, but she distinctly remembers the caller's use of the graphic phrases
25:14stark, bollock, naked, and dripping all down my legs.
25:19Why your husband would want to spread dripping all down his legs,
25:25is of course something it's probably best to draw a veil over for the time being, Mrs Meldrew.
25:30Suffice to say that by snapping into action at once, we were able to link up this incident
25:35with another one being investigated by our colleagues at Moreton Road CID.
25:39Relating to a midnight prowler, who was frightened off last night whilst trying to break into the house
25:45of a young, divorced mother of three in the Dunhill area.
25:51The lady gave us quite a nifty description of the offender, seen through her back window,
25:56and claims the resulting photo fit to be an extremely accurate likeness.
26:05And of course, once we were able to match up the fingerprints on her doorknob
26:10with those taken from your husband for elimination purposes here the other afternoon,
26:15the various pieces of the whole grisly jigsaw slotted neatly into place.
26:23Is that a piece of drainpipe in his leg? I do believe it is.
26:28Right. All ready to go? After you, Constable.
26:32Oh, yes. Right.
26:36I think he misses his police programs.
26:45Right. That's about it then, Mrs Meldrew.
26:4828-inch Nikam Fast-Text. We can have it delivered to you first thing Monday morning.
26:53Not until then. Is that all right for you?
26:56All right.
26:58I have just spent the most unutterably miserable week of my entire life
27:03coping with a husband deprived of his television set.
27:06If I have to prolong that agony for another hour, let alone another weekend,
27:10I may just do something very regrettable with a pair of razor-tipped salad tongs.
27:18I'll just have a word with dispatch for you. I won't be a second.
27:23On ITV, this Saturday at eight,
27:27Jeremy Beadle introduces another crazy catalogue of riotous video clips
27:33sent in by you, the viewers.
27:35It's a bit like a TV show.
27:37It's a bit like a TV show.
27:39It's a bit like a TV show.
27:41It's a bit like a TV show.
27:43It's a bit like a TV show.
27:45It's a bit like a TV show.
27:47It's a bit like a TV show.
27:49Riotous video clips sent in by you, the viewers, in human form.
28:09The jokes on you, the public, once again here at eight o'clock
28:14this Saturday night on ITV.
28:20You're in luck, Mrs Meldrew.
28:21We can have your new television set with you Saturday afternoon at three.
28:28No, that's all right.
28:31Monday morning will be fine.
28:38They say I might as well face the truth
28:41But I am just too long in the toot
28:44I've started to deteriorate
28:48And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:51Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:55I have to pop my teeth into tune
28:58And my old knees have started to knock
29:02I've just got too many miles on the clock
29:05So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways
29:09It's true that my body has seen better days
29:13But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
29:17I'm one foot in the grave
29:20I'm one foot in the grave
29:23I'm one foot in the grave