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00:00You
00:30Just come to fix your drip, Miss Jones.
00:32Thank you, Mr. Rigsby.
00:34I don't know what I'd do without you.
00:36That's all right, Miss Jones. That's what I'm here for.
00:38Any little things, as you know?
00:40I'm afraid I'm not very practical.
00:42Well, you're more the artistic type, aren't you, Miss Jones?
00:44You like beautiful things.
00:46I mean, look at your cups. Willow pattern.
00:48Lovely thing. Yes.
00:50Separates you from the rest, Miss Jones.
00:52And your table mats. Yes.
00:54Seams from the ballet. And how many people around here
00:56eat off seams from the ballet?
00:58Yes, you're lucky if you get a beer mat.
01:00Now, you've got that
01:02indefatigable something called good taste,
01:04Miss Jones. Do you think so, Mr. Rigsby?
01:06Oh, yes. You make a difference to this place.
01:08Shades on the balls.
01:10Blue water in the toilet.
01:12Yes. You've really raised the standard.
01:14Well, I hope so.
01:16I mean, I hope the others don't think I'm
01:18too fussy. I want them to accept me.
01:20Oh, they'll accept you, all right. That's what worries me.
01:22Yes.
01:24Yes, well, there. That's fixed, Miss Jones.
01:26Right.
01:28Anything else while I'm here? Well, yes, Mr. Rigsby.
01:30I wonder if you'd have a look at my doorknob.
01:32Oh.
01:34Again? I had a look at it only last week.
01:36What's the matter with it now? Well, people seem
01:38to be walking off with it.
01:40Oh, well, no wonder. Look at that.
01:42It's been vandalised.
01:44What do you expect with that lot upstairs?
01:46Just a few
01:48twists with my little...
01:50There we are. That's fixed, that.
01:52Good. I don't know how to thank you,
01:54Mr. Rigsby.
01:56I was just thinking, Miss Jones.
01:58Spooner gave me a couple of
02:00tickets for the wrestling for tomorrow night.
02:02I wonder if you'd care to come.
02:04Me? Oh, I don't know, Mr. Rigsby.
02:06It's all right. It's not too near the front.
02:08You don't want a 15-stone wrestler in your lap, do you?
02:10Does that happen?
02:12Oh, yes. Yes, it can, yes.
02:14And Spooner has got this nasty habit
02:16of spitting his drinking water over the car.
02:18We're all in the heat of battle, of course.
02:20Well, it's very nice
02:22of you to ask me, Mr. Rigsby, but I really don't think...
02:24Oh, you'll enjoy it, Miss Jones. It's a grudge fight.
02:26Spooner versus the Russian.
02:28He's ended with a broken leg last time.
02:30Oh, how awful. Mr. Spooner or the Russian?
02:32No, no, no. Somebody in the third row.
02:36You see, the Russian...
02:40The Russian comes on in ballet tights, you see,
02:42and pelts Spooner with flowers.
02:44This infuriates Spooner. He belts the Russian with his stool.
02:46Surely the referee wouldn't allow that.
02:48Oh, no. This is before the shake-hands.
02:50Of course, everyone starts booing Spooner
02:52while the Russian keeps blowing him kisses.
02:54Oh, Mr. Spooner.
02:56No, no, you don't understand, Miss Jones.
02:58There's a booster boom. He's the villain.
03:00Doesn't he have any supporters?
03:02Not many, no. You see, they're the ones he spits at.
03:06Well, what do you say, Miss Jones,
03:08if we could have a spot of supper afterwards?
03:12Well, I've just remembered, Mr. Rigsby,
03:14I'm afraid I've got to write late tomorrow night.
03:16Oh.
03:18I hope you don't mind.
03:20Of course not, Miss Jenner. I quite understand.
03:22It was very nice of you to ask me.
03:24I'm sorry.
03:26Oh, that's all right. It was just a thought.
03:28I bet you can always get rid of the tickets. No bother there.
03:30After all, it's all fixed, isn't it?
03:32Right.
03:34What do you think?
03:46What do you think?
03:48What about?
03:50The earring.
03:52Oh, yes. It's not very big, is it?
03:54It doesn't need to be.
03:56Catch it in anything, it'll tear your ear off.
03:58Do you like it?
04:00Yes. Has Rigsby seen it?
04:02No. I keep covering it up with my hand.
04:04Well, you know what he's like.
04:06He thinks a signet ring's flashy.
04:08Do you want a coffee? I need something.
04:10What's the matter?
04:12I've just said goodnight to the most beautiful girl I've ever met.
04:14I left her with tears in her eyes.
04:16What happened?
04:18Nothing. That's the trouble.
04:20I couldn't bring her back here, but how could I with Rigsby prowling around?
04:22Couldn't you go back to her place?
04:24No. She's in college.
04:26It's driving me mad.
04:28I've got a big scene going there.
04:30What do you mean, again?
04:32This is different.
04:34I'd go through fire and flood for this girl.
04:36What about the park?
04:38And get covered in moss and dead leaves.
04:40But we'd like the park. Just you and her under the stars.
04:42Just like the jungle.
04:44Would you stop talking about me as if I were the last of the Mohicans?
04:48As far as I'm concerned, the park's strictly for the ducks.
04:50What's the matter with Rigsby, anyway?
04:52Well, Ruth keeps turning him down.
04:54It's making him bitter.
04:56He's down there at the moment asking her to go to the wrestling with him.
04:58She won't go, of course.
05:00She thinks the main bout will be her versus Rigsby.
05:02I think I'd tell him straight out, I'm bringing a girl back here.
05:04No, you do that and you find your cases in the hall.
05:06Besides, Ruth would have the vapours if you brought her girl back here.
05:10I tell you what, what we ought to do
05:12is to get them two together.
05:14And how do we do that?
05:16We give Rigsby some advice.
05:20What sort of advice could you give him?
05:22To make it with Ruth.
05:24But you've never made it with anyone.
05:26Yes, I have.
05:28Alan, I've never seen you with a girl.
05:32Well, what about that girl who keeps following me?
05:34What girl?
05:36The one on the racing bike.
05:38Oh, you can't count her.
05:40She'll never dismount.
05:42She will, though, she will. You wait and see.
05:44Besides, just because you've never seen me with a girl
05:46doesn't mean to say I've never had one.
05:48As a matter of fact, I'm getting over a rather big scene at the moment.
05:50Oh, I didn't know.
05:52I don't like to talk about it much.
05:54It's pretty steamy while it lasted.
05:58Well, go on.
06:02They say I was the reason she failed her O-Levels.
06:04You mean she was still at school
06:06and you're going to advise Rigsby?
06:08Look out.
06:12Don't you think you need something?
06:14Like a body transplant?
06:18Hey, do you want some coffee, Rigsby?
06:20Oh, my guts are in a turmoil today.
06:22You take anything for it?
06:24Deep breathing.
06:26I find I see everything which helps.
06:28Deep breathing every morning.
06:30Do you want to see a doctor?
06:32No, no, you start worrying about your health.
06:34You've had it.
06:36You had a blowout up there downstairs.
06:38I thought his shoulder blades were deformed.
06:40He kept asking me to look at them.
06:42He spent hours trying to see them in the mirror.
06:44By the time he'd finished, they were deformed.
06:46Oh, that's better.
06:48Rigsby, there's something I wanted to ask you.
06:50Oh, my God, what's that?
06:52What? On your ear, quick. Something glinting.
06:54What is it?
06:56It's an earring.
06:58An earring?
07:00Stop the world. I want to get off.
07:02What's wrong with it? He looks like the gypsy he's born in.
07:04Everybody's wearing them these days, Rigsby.
07:06God help England, that's all I can say.
07:08I just hope the Russians don't find out.
07:10I can just see us all marching into battle in bloody earrings.
07:12That'll really set a foot up here for the enemy.
07:14Philip thinks it's all right.
07:16He thinks a bone through the nose is all right.
07:18Rigsby, I wanted to ask you...
07:20Here. Here's some tickets for the wrestling.
07:22Ask me what.
07:24It doesn't matter.
07:26She turned you down, then, Rigsby.
07:28Mind your own business.
07:30I can't understand it.
07:32I've tried everything with that woman.
07:38Do you want some advice, Rigsby?
07:40From you? Who do you think you are, Bachelor of the Month?
07:42This is your advice, isn't it?
07:44Rigsby, you ought to get with it. You ought to change your image.
07:46Perhaps I should borrow your earring.
07:48Do you know what I mean?
07:50You mean medallions, don't you? Shirt open, drinking Campari
07:52while sunburned in the 90s,
07:54helping you off with your boots.
07:56No, the life's not like that.
07:58No, she's too busy with good causes to worry about me.
08:00That's the trouble.
08:02Too busy worrying about his mates in Africa to worry about me.
08:04That's the trouble, you see. I'm not a good cause.
08:06Oh, I don't know. What about help the aged?
08:10Rigsby, you know what you need?
08:12Charisma.
08:14I'm not spraying myself with that stuff, mate.
08:16No, charisma. It means personal charm.
08:18Oh, yes. I've not noticed much charisma around here.
08:20Look, Ruth doesn't want to go to the wrestling, does she?
08:22Huh?
08:24Do you know what she'd really like? What?
08:26A nice, quiet evening at home listening to Matt Munro.
08:28Who?
08:30Matt Munro.
08:32Look, I've got one of his records here.
08:34Hey, why don't you take it down,
08:36give it a quick twirl,
08:38get her in a nice romantic mood
08:40and give her a gentle squeeze.
08:42Matt Munro? Never fails.
08:44Oh, I don't know. She's a very sensitive woman.
08:46My stomach being what it is, it rolls whenever I get near her.
08:48It must pull her off.
08:50Hey, I've got just the thing.
08:52Here you are. Take a couple of these.
08:54What?
08:56They'll calm you down and tone you up at the same time.
08:58Hey, you haven't got any hormones in him, have they?
09:00You know, he's that bloke down the road,
09:02the one who got the cheap turkey at Christmas.
09:04That was full of hormones.
09:06Three days later, his wife had a deeper voice than he'd got.
09:08I'm sure you'll be perfectly harmless.
09:10No. All right, I suppose they won't do any harm.
09:12Here you are. Take the bottle, just in case.
09:14Wait a minute.
09:16What?
09:18Oh, God.
09:22Who did you say?
09:24Matt Munro.
09:26Matt Munro.
09:32What were those tablets?
09:34Oh, mild tranquilizers.
09:36Perfectly harmless.
09:38They'll slow him down, relax him.
09:40Trouble is, he's put Ruth on a pedestal.
09:42As long as they don't put him on a pedestal.
09:44How did you get hold of them?
09:46They were taken off the market.
09:48I thought you said they were harmless.
09:50Oh, they are.
09:52It's just that they've got this sort of mild side effect.
09:54What sort of side effect?
09:56They turn you water green.
10:06Oh, my God.
10:22Oh, yes, Mr. Rigsby?
10:24Ah.
10:26I was just over here.
10:28I just wondered if you were about to hear this record.
10:32Matt Munro's latest.
10:34Matt Munro. Yes, I like him.
10:36He does things to me.
10:38Oh, good, good. I'll slip it on him.
10:52Er...
10:54Where's the handle?
10:56It works by electricity, Mr. Rigsby.
10:58Oh, yes, of course.
11:00Just sit down, Miss Jones.
11:02It'll flow over you.
11:04I didn't know you liked listening to records, Mr. Rigsby.
11:06Oh, yes, yes.
11:08I find it helps me to unwind, Miss Jones.
11:10Do you, um...
11:12Do you find it helps you unwind?
11:14Yes, yes, I suppose it does.
11:16Perhaps we can, uh...
11:18Perhaps we can unwind together.
11:26You look very bewitching tonight, Miss Jones.
11:28Oh, Mr. Rigsby.
11:30I remember noticing before you,
11:32a very, very exciting woman, Miss Jones.
11:34Mr. Rigsby, the record.
11:36Hmm?
11:38Yes, I remember that time
11:40when you were sunbathing in the garden,
11:42you know, just before the red ants got at you.
11:44I remember thinking then,
11:46there's an exciting woman, I thought.
11:48Yes, I noticed you were
11:50leaning on your spade a great deal.
11:52Yes, well, I couldn't take my eyes off you.
11:54I mean, we'd never had a...
11:56a bikini in the garden before.
11:58And I had to keep the boys off the fence, you know.
12:00Yes, yes, I do understand.
12:02Mr. Rigsby. Hmm?
12:04The record. Oh, yes, yes.
12:06I'm sorry.
12:10No doubt about it, he's got a beautiful voice.
12:14Mr. Rigsby, it's on the wrong speed.
12:18I hope we're not going to have
12:20that sort of male chauvinism.
12:22Whatever you may think, I am not a sex object.
12:24Nor do I abandon myself
12:26to the strains of Matt Monroe.
12:28I don't know who gave you that impression.
12:32Mr. Rigsby.
12:42Have you seen Rigsby? Yes.
12:44Was he awake? Oh, yes. Good.
12:46But he can't feel his teeth.
12:48What?
12:50He can't feel his teeth.
12:52He's been to the doctor. He's on his way up now.
12:54Where is he?
12:56Where is he?
13:00What's the matter, Rigsby? What's the matter?
13:02You say that after nearly poisoning me.
13:04You're exaggerating. I was drugged to the eyeballs.
13:06I slept for 24 hours.
13:08I still can't feel me teeth.
13:10And do you know what else?
13:12Do you know what I found when I went to the bathroom?
13:14My waters turned green.
13:16Green? Bright green.
13:18I went to the doctor with those tablets.
13:20He told me they're for women in early pregnancy.
13:24Do I look as if I'm in early pregnancy?
13:26I'd sue you if you got me money.
13:28Of course, you finish me with Miss Jones.
13:30You realise that, don't you?
13:32She thinks I'm stark, raving mad, and I don't blame her.
13:34My, come on, I'd have to listen to you.
13:36I was only trying to be helpful.
13:38What do you know about the opposite sex?
13:40A woman so much as look that you'd have a nosebleed.
13:42The only thing you ever tend to bed with
13:44is your hot Mickey Mouse old water bottle.
13:46As a matter of fact, Rigsby,
13:48I'm seeing a woman tonight.
13:50Listen, listen. I think he lives in a dream world.
13:52I don't think these women exist.
13:54Sometimes I don't think you exist.
13:56I think you come out the bloody wallpaper.
13:58Well, I am seeing a woman tonight.
14:00You believe me, don't you, Philip?
14:04Well, I am anyway.
14:08Never mind, Rigsby. There'll be another time.
14:10I don't know. I'm not so sure.
14:12It's all right for you.
14:14You're not out in Africa. It's different out there.
14:16You lead a more natural life out there.
14:18You're closer to nature.
14:20I haven't been close to nature
14:22since last Christmas.
14:24I wasn't all that close then.
14:28I don't...
14:30I just don't seem to get any chances these days.
14:32Why not? I don't know.
14:34There was this woman at the pub.
14:36They all said, whatever you do, don't give her a lift home.
14:38She'll interfere with you.
14:40She was supposed to interfere with you
14:42while you were driving.
14:46So I gave her a lift home.
14:50What happened?
14:52Nothing. She was a washout.
14:54Just talked about her feet.
14:56You talk about growing sideboards, Rigsby.
14:58Yes. I don't think I've got the strength.
15:02What would you do if you were in my position?
15:04How do you mean?
15:06What would he do in your country?
15:08We're a primitive people, Rigsby.
15:10I don't think we could teach you anything.
15:12In my country, if a man was in your position,
15:14he'd get the wood of the love tree.
15:16He would burn it outside the girl's hut
15:18and when she smelt the smoke,
15:20she would appear at the door.
15:22He'd look deep into her eyes
15:24and she would fall in love with him.
15:26Just like that?
15:28Just like that.
15:49I've got you this wood.
15:54Why, would you like to...?
15:56Not saying I believe in it, of course.
15:58Anything's worth a try, though, isn't it?
16:00I'll do you a favour sometime, Philip.
16:04That may be sooner than you think, Rigsby.
16:12Philip, you remember that stuff
16:14we were talking about the other day?
16:16I haven't got anything knocking about, have you, at the moment?
16:18Oh, yes.
16:20Oh, good, good.
16:32This has been claimed.
16:36Everything's commercial these days, Rigsby.
16:38Come on.
16:44What's all that about?
16:46I've given Rigsby some lovewood.
16:48He's going to burn it outside Ruth's hut.
16:50Will it work?
16:52I shouldn't think so.
16:54It came off the wardrobe.
17:02This is it, Maureen.
17:04You mean you live up here?
17:06Where do you keep your oxygen?
17:10You get used to it.
17:12Here, now, come and sit down.
17:14Aren't you forgetting something?
17:16In here?
17:18You could have left it downstairs, you know.
17:20We're perfectly respectable.
17:22That's not what I've heard.
17:24Who's your friend?
17:26I told you, I'm a doctor.
17:28Who is he, one of your patients?
17:34Why don't you...
17:36Why don't you sit down?
17:40Hey, what about a drink?
17:42Here we are.
17:44Ta-da!
17:50Now, what have you had?
17:52Nothing, thanks.
17:54I'd rather have a drink from me canisters.
17:56You know, you look very young for a doctor.
17:58Yeah.
18:00You know, you look very young for a doctor.
18:02Yeah.
18:04A lot of people have said that.
18:06I've been taken for a student.
18:08Yeah, sometimes in the operating theatre
18:10I can hear them say,
18:12Good God, you're not going to let that boy
18:14cut me open, are you?
18:16Why are you whispering?
18:18No, I'm not whispering.
18:20It's just that I've got a low voice.
18:22Are you prying to the landlord?
18:24Rigsby?
18:26No, no, no, no, he knows his place.
18:28No, he, uh...
18:30You have to humour him, like. He, uh...
18:32A bit simple.
18:34He had a bad war.
18:36You bang a paper bag in front of Rigsby
18:38and he'll be straight over this chair.
18:44Do you want a sweet?
18:46They don't look like sweets.
18:48They look like the things
18:50me sister had.
18:52Turned her water green.
18:58How about a record?
19:00Oh, yeah. Do you like Matt Munro?
19:02Yes. Good.
19:14Just, uh...
19:16Just let it flow over you.
19:18Flow over me? I can hardly hear it.
19:20Ah, well, we don't want to wake
19:22everybody up, do we?
19:24What's that in your ear?
19:28It's...
19:30It's an earring.
19:32They're very fashionable these days.
19:34Yeah, I know. Our Coleman's got one.
19:36His went septic.
19:38Hey!
19:40Can you smell a burning?
19:42Look, uh, why don't you, uh...
19:44Just relax and enjoy the music.
19:46Hey, what's your game?
19:48What do you mean?
19:50Listen, Doctor, when I want you to examine me,
19:52I'll let you know.
19:54No, no, no. I wasn't examining.
19:56It makes me wait.
19:58Hey, uh, why...
20:00Why do you ride that bike all the time?
20:02Oh, it's me dad. He doesn't like me going
20:04with boys, so he follows me.
20:06It's the only way I can out-distance him.
20:10He says the first boy
20:12who touches me is going to wring
20:14his neck.
20:18What was that?
20:20What? Well, it sounded like someone coming upstairs.
20:22Quick, under the bed! You what?
20:24It might be landlord.
20:26He gets something else either way.
20:28Alan, can you smell burning?
20:30Um, no.
20:32I've been smelling it all evening.
20:34It's very strong on the stairs.
20:36Are you sure it's not coming from in here?
20:38Perhaps it's coming from Spooner's room.
20:40Well, you'd better go and have a look.
20:42We don't want to go up in flames, do we?
20:44Hurry up.
20:46Go on.
20:54Ahem.
21:14What on earth's that?
21:16This?
21:18It's a piece of wood.
21:20Well, I can see that, Mr. Rigsby.
21:22Stop wafting it around. You'll start a fire.
21:24I will start a fire, all right, Miss Jones.
21:26Have you noticed anything yet?
21:28Yes, the most appalling smell.
21:30This isn't ordinary wood, you know. It's special.
21:32Breathe in. Go on. See what happens.
21:34I don't know what you've got in mind,
21:36Mr. Rigsby, but nothing's going to happen.
21:38Give way to me, Joan. Don't flout it.
21:40Give way to it. Give way to it.
21:44I had no intention of giving way to it.
21:46Please extinguish your stick.
21:48I'm sorry,
21:50but this is what fire you can't clean, Miss Jones.
21:52What can you say about that?
22:04What happened?
22:06What happened? Nothing.
22:08Nothing happened.
22:10It's a washout. It's a big washout.
22:12What wash?
22:14You mind your own business.
22:16What's that doing there?
22:18What?
22:20What? That! That! That!
22:22You know I don't allow bikes in house.
22:24Come on, get it out.
22:26I suppose I've got tar marks all over the line.
22:28Come on, get it out before I kick your spokes in.
22:30You leave that bike alone.
22:32What?
22:34You leave my bike alone.
22:36Miss Jones, that's it. You've got a woman in.
22:38And you've been drinking.
22:40No, she only drinks from a canister, sir.
22:42Oh, yes. Could you give me that?
22:44You didn't bring her here just to ring her a bell, mate.
22:46You've been having an orgy, haven't you?
22:48Eh?
22:50The only thing a car maker has is what the bike's for.
22:52I think we'd better go, Maureen.
22:54Oh, I wouldn't let him torture you like that if I were you.
22:56Even if he is simple.
22:58Simple?
23:00Miss, who do you think I am?
23:02Well, if he's a doctor, you must be his body snatcher.
23:04Doctor? Body snatcher?
23:06Listen, I'm about to get her out of here
23:08before I bend that bike around her neck.
23:10Oh, don't worry. I'm going.
23:12You can keep old Golden Earring.
23:14Won't be seen dead with him.
23:18Ah, that's charisma, is it?
23:20Can't win them all.
23:22Oh, you don't win any of them.
23:24I win more than you.
23:26Oh, no, you don't. I'd have been all right
23:28and I could feel it in me water if it hadn't been for this.
23:30Oh, uh...
23:32About that fever.
23:34Oh, yes.
23:36I have a girl outside. Have you?
23:38Yes. She's very cold out there, isn't she?
23:40Must be. It's bitter, isn't it?
23:42Yes. I wondered if I could possibly, you know,
23:44bring her up here, you know.
23:46Did you? Yes.
23:48Well, let me put your mind at rest.
23:50You cannot bring her up here.
23:52She can stay out there and bloody well freeze.
23:54That's what she could do. You and your love would.
23:56As if Miss Jones had fallen for that woman of her refinement.
23:58All it did was make her eyes water.
24:00Is it any wonder? Look at that. Hey, smell that.
24:02Oh, God, what a stink.
24:04You can tell that comes from Africa, all right.
24:06It doesn't come from Africa, Reesby.
24:08You want to?
24:10Oh, my! They're burying me on Fenicia!
24:38.
24:40.