Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Keep your sunny side up, up, hide the side that gets blue, life's too short to worry
00:19Where a smile and trouble will go, keep your funny side up, up, let your laughter come true
00:31Do stand up on your legs, feel like two fried eggs, keep your sunny side up
00:48He's in a china shop and I'm a removals man
00:52At least he used to be a removals man until I started living with him
00:57When I say living with him, we don't sleep together
01:01But we do have to spend the night in the same bed
01:04But with a bolster down the middle to stop any untoward rolling by mistake
01:09Or in his case, on purpose
01:13Anyway, all that will change soon because we're getting married
01:16We like it here in the old cottage in the country and decided to try to make a go of it
01:21He's ever so nice really and I already feel very close to him
01:26Except last week of course when he got a job at the sewage works
01:31Then I couldn't get within a mile of him
01:35He soon packed that job in but it took ages to get the smell off him
01:39I had to smother him in a big bottle of Paris toilet water I had for Christmas
01:44I told you that Paris toilet water would do the trick
01:47Certainly did, I smell like a Paris toilet
01:51Well, at least you're clean
01:53Yeah, thanks to you
01:54I reek of it as well
01:56In fact, I reeked so strong I got the sack at the vicarage
02:00The vicar's wife said I smelled like a tart
02:03And if it lingered around the vicarage, it would play havoc with the confirmation classes
02:08Still, wait a minute, it's not very clever though, is it?
02:11Now we've got no money coming in, have we?
02:13Well, we will have
02:15Because on the way in this morning
02:17I called in at the post office to see if there was an answer to your advert
02:21And the woman behind the counter says
02:23There's an old lady in the village wants looking after
02:26Well, I can't do that, can I?
02:27No, no, no
02:28No, I took the job
02:30And I popped up to see her
02:32She's a sweet old thing
02:33She's only got one leg
02:35Oh, that'll cut down my shoe cleaning then, won't it?
02:39You are awful
02:41No, no, no
02:42She wants a part-time gardener as well
02:45So you could do a bit of that
02:47She says she's redoing her garden
02:49And she wants things in it to attract the butterflies
02:51Oh, smelling like this, I should be just about right, shouldn't I?
03:05Any more tea in the pot?
03:07It'll need some more water in it
03:08Oh, right
03:12There
03:17What are you going to do with that?
03:19Iron the corned beef?
03:22Sorry, silly me
03:23I'm not looking what I'm doing, am I?
03:26There
03:38Do you think you're going to be able to cope with this gardening job?
03:41Yeah, yeah
03:42Apart from not knowing one flower from another
03:45I mean, being a London lad, I only used to see them in the graveyard
03:48For years, I thought they only grew in little circles
03:52I don't think Mrs Tiffridge will expect you to know much about all that
03:56It's more tidying and weeding and that
03:58Well, I can't see the weeds being a problem
04:00Yes, that's what I think will be the problem and all
04:03Eh?
04:04I reckon I'll just have to pinch her glasses and then she won't see them either
04:08I reckon you'll have to just pop out and point them out for me
04:11I reckon I'll have to pop out and pull them up for you
04:14Yeah
04:15So, never mind, we'll manage
04:17And it'll be nice working together, won't it?
04:19Yeah
04:20The bands are being called in the church
04:22In three weeks, we'll be married
04:24Yeah, then we can say goodbye to that flaming bolster forever, can't we?
04:28I can't wait myself
04:31Give us a kiss
04:33You never kiss me properly, you know
04:51There's more tongue if you want it
04:58Pardon?
05:02Cold tongue
05:05There's more, there's a bit left, do you want it?
05:07Oh, I see what you mean, yeah
05:11No, no, that kiss has put me off me food
05:14Well, that's nice, I must say
05:16No, I mean, I mean you're lovely, you are
05:20It seems I've known you all me life
05:22Well, you couldn't have done, cos you're older than me, much older
05:26How old are you?
05:28How old are you?
05:3155
05:32Oh, well, there you are, you see, that proves it
05:34I mean, if you're that much older than me, I must be that much younger than you
05:39I can't work that out
05:42No, I know, that's what I mean
05:44What does that mean?
05:45It means I'm not going to tell you
05:47Oh, please, you're joyful, that doesn't make no difference, does it?
05:49I don't have to know everything about you in order to love you, in order to marry you
05:53Well, I don't know who I'm marrying, do I?
05:55Yeah, you're marrying me, aren't you?
05:57Oh, yes, but who are you?
06:01I'm the bloke sitting here having supper with you, ain't I?
06:04I'm the bloke you're sleeping with
06:06Please, someone might hear you
06:08No, there's nobody about
06:09There's the chickens
06:11Well, that's all right, get them excited, they might lay a few more eggs
06:15Now, I mean, I don't know nothing about you, do I?
06:18Your early life and that
06:20Well, not much to know, really
06:22Left school at 14, went and worked for me dad
06:25But we never saw eye to eye
06:27Even after I got me glasses
06:30So I was a boxer for a while, Billingsgate
06:32A boxer? Oh, isn't that dangerous?
06:35No, not boxing kippers, no
06:38Bit smelly
06:39Worked for a bloke called Boswell, but we never got on
06:42After a couple of months, I walked out
06:44Why?
06:45Well, on account of a remark he made
06:47What did he say?
06:48You're sacked, he said, get out
06:51So, then I got a job with a demolitions firm
06:54Yeah, it was either that or working in a glass factory
06:57I think you made a wise choice
06:59Then the war come along and, well, nothing changed, really
07:02I just carried on demolishing things
07:04I got gassed in Belgium, blasted in Paris and wounded in the Dardanelles
07:10Want to see the scar?
07:11Not if it's in the Dardanelles, thank you
07:14The Dardanelles is a place
07:16I know, I'm just pulling your leg
07:18Well, be careful, it might affect the Dardanelles
07:22Ah, well, time for bed
07:24Yeah, come on, we both start work in the morning
07:28Got to be up with the lark
07:30What about going to bed with one?
07:32Can't you wait three weeks?
07:34Yes, I suppose so, I suppose so
07:36Here, who is this old bird we're going to work for then? Do I know her?
07:39Mrs Tifferidge?
07:40Yeah, you must have seen her about the village
07:42In a big old wheelchair
07:44Sort of vague face and fuzzy hair
07:47Everybody looks like that to me
07:51It's a lovely day tomorrow
07:57Tomorrow is a lovely day
08:02Come and feast your tear-dimmed eyes
08:09On tomorrow's clear blue sky
08:15What are you doing sitting out here? You've finished your work, have you?
08:17What's the old bird up to?
08:19Which old bird is that, Mr Sip?
08:22Oh, sorry, madam
08:23I thought it was Travers
08:25I see
08:26Yeah, no, I was talking about her parrot, you know
08:29Yeah, she's got a nice parrot, she loves that parrot
08:31Yeah, Polly its name is
08:33Well, they're all called that, ain't they, eh?
08:34Lady parrots usually are, yes
08:36Oh, yeah, yeah, well, she's very affectionate, she is
08:38Lovely old thing, yeah
08:40If you say something nice to her, she lies on her back with her legs in the air
08:44I take it you're still talking about the parrot
08:47Oh, yeah, yeah, not, well, no, hardly
08:50No, but I mean, not that she's, well, you know, mind if I smoke?
08:53Not at all
08:55Do you smoke?
08:57I'd love one
08:58Only woodbines
08:59Oh, but I love woodbines
09:03I've only got one
09:04One's plenty, thank you
09:08Oh, dear, I haven't got no matches
09:10I'll smoke it later
09:14And what are you up to at the moment?
09:18I was just going to water your roses
09:21But they're lilies
09:23Oh, well, I was just going to water Lily's roses then
09:28Here, what do you think of this?
09:31Oh, yeah, knitting, is it?
09:33Knitting? Don't you know embroidery, when you see it?
09:35Oh, when I see it, yeah
09:39Oh, yes, lovely, isn't it, yeah
09:41What is it?
09:42Queen Mary
09:45Delicate work, isn't it, eh?
09:47Lovely, that is
09:48I love the funnels
10:04How are you getting on?
10:19Oh, all right, I'm just going to start watering
10:21Ooh, hey, don't you do that
10:25Someone might see you do it
10:26What?
10:27That's a very dangerous thing to do, that is
10:30Especially to your future husband
10:32I don't know what you're talking about
10:34I was only wondering how things were
10:36Things are fine, thanks
10:37At least they were until you did that with your broom handle
10:50Oh, dear, look at that
10:52Typical, isn't it?
10:53As soon as you come out to water, it comes on a rain
11:02It's raining
11:03Don't get the old lady indoors
11:05No, it was only a shower
11:07It stopped again, then
11:08Oh, did it?
11:09All right, then, back to work, then, eh?
11:26Look, leave that for now
11:28Time for a cup of tea in the kitchen
11:30Right-o
11:33Here, is it safe to leave the old lady outside, if I'm outside?
11:36Safer, if anything
11:38We don't want her to get soaked
11:40No, that's what I mean
11:42This was such a lovely day
11:44To be caught in the rain
11:48Keep doing that
11:49You were going out your way
11:51Now you've got to remain
11:53Coco, madame
11:55What time would you like to be woken in the morning, madame?
11:587.30, please, waiter
12:00Very good, madame
12:01I shall give you a nudge
12:09Mikey
12:10Hey, lucky that window was open, wasn't it?
12:13Not so lucky for the cat, mind you
12:14That was scrawling up, that Coco
12:18That can't be a cat
12:19There aren't any cats round here
12:21Oh, must be a squirrel that does cat impressions
12:25Would it be wild?
12:26I'd think it'd be furious, wouldn't you?
12:30Are you all right?
12:31Yeah, yeah
12:32Don't bother about the Coco
12:33I'll make myself some more
12:34No, you can have mine
12:35Oh, well, ta
12:44Can I have a sip?
12:46Yes, you can
12:50Here, steady
12:52You're on the wrong side of the bed
12:53It's all right, I've still got me trousers on
12:56Oh, all right, all right
12:58You're talking of trousers
12:59What will you be wearing at the wedding?
13:01Me best suit
13:02I didn't know you got a best suit
13:04Yeah, everyone's got a best suit, hasn't they?
13:06Of course I've got a best suit
13:07It's in the trunk out there
13:08I had three made all at the same time by the same bloke
13:11About 12 years ago
13:12Tailor-made, eh?
13:14Oh, it's a bit expensive
13:15No, no, he only charged me 35 bob
13:17That's all, each one
13:18I mean, that's cheaper than 50 bob tailors, isn't it?
13:20Why three?
13:21Well, he said they lasted longer in the long run
13:23You know, you keep chopping and changing
13:25They don't wear out so quick, see?
13:27Mind you, two of them did
13:28I've only got one left now
13:30What colour is it?
13:32Well, it's a sort of bluey, browny, grey sort of colour
13:35I'm not very good on colours
13:37Well, I'll have to give it a good press
13:38If it's been in that trunk, it'll be like a rag
13:40That's all right, I'll do it
13:42I used to press me own things in the army, see?
13:44Anyway, it's bad luck to see the bridegroom in his wedding dress before the day, innit?
13:49That's the bride, stupid
13:51Come on, into bed
13:53Oh, dangerous word
13:55It's less than three weeks to go, lovey
13:58I know
13:59Then we say goodbye to that bolster forever, don't we, eh?
14:01I'll have me own real bolster, won't I?
14:03Yeah, none of that, come on
14:11Listen, Clarence
14:13When the time comes, you know, the honeymoon-like
14:17You'll have to take things, well, slowly
14:20Do you know what I mean?
14:22I mean, I've never had much to do with men
14:24And I don't want to be rushed
14:26And we've got all the time in the world, haven't we?
14:28Yeah
14:30Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah
14:32I know I'm clumsy and I bump into things a lot
14:36But when I try, I can be very controlled
14:41I mean, you're...
14:43You're all the world to me
14:45I just want you to know that I shall be doing my very best
14:48To be gentle and patient and caring towards you
14:51For always
14:53I know
14:55I know you will
14:57Don't worry
14:59I won't put a foot wrong
15:12Heaven help me, three weeks from now
15:19I've been meaning to say...
15:21Oh, what's that?
15:23Are we getting to the church for our wedding?
15:25It is
15:27I was afraid you were going to say that
15:29Won't it look a bit funny, the bride turning up driving a removal lorry?
15:32Well, you won't let me drive it, will you?
15:34No, I will not
15:36Look, we'll park it round the back and walk round
15:38Nobody will see us
15:40I mean, it's not as if there'll be a big crowd there, is it?
15:42We haven't invited nobody
15:44But we walk
15:45It's a mile
15:48I'd rather do that than take this old thing
15:51This old thing?
15:53That's my only pride and joy, this
15:55I thought I was
15:57Well, this is my only other pride and joy, then
16:01If it's so precious, supposing someone pinches it while we're in the church?
16:05Ah, simple
16:07Take this bit out, see?
16:11Rotor arm, see? Rotor arm
16:13That in me pocket, no-one can move it
16:16Old trick, that
16:18I'd honestly much rather walk
16:22Look, we're not going to argue about it
16:25We're going in the van
16:27All right?
16:29We'll see
16:31Come on, tea's on the table
16:43How many lumps in your tea, Mr Sell?
16:45No, I prefer it all smooth, thank you
16:48Oh, you're a con, no mistake
16:51Well, you have to laugh, don't you?
16:53Yes, you do
16:55I should be getting on, really
16:57Oh, nonsense
16:59Sit down and tell me all about yourself
17:01Oh
17:02You're really a removal man, aren't you?
17:05Well, I used to was, yeah
17:07But Travis don't like me driving a motor car no more
17:09She says me eyesight's gone, you know
17:11I mean, I've been driving motor cars for 20 years
17:13But that don't seem to count
17:15Did it take you long to learn?
17:17Oh, about three or four
17:19Months?
17:20No, motor cars
17:24Oh, dear, dear
17:26You'll have to learn to ride a horse
17:28Well, I can ride a bit
17:29Oh, I love horses
17:31Ever since I was a girl
17:33And saw them at the circus
17:35The circus people are wonderful riders
17:38There was one man
17:39Jumped on the horse's back
17:41Slid underneath
17:42Grabbed hold of his tail
17:44And finished up being dragged along
17:46That's nothing
17:47I did that the first time I got on a horse
17:50It was the Coleman's horse, it was
17:52Yeah, he used to have his yard at the top of our street, see
17:54And he used to let me have a go after work
17:57Big black horse, it was
17:58Well, it would be, wouldn't it?
17:59Coleman
18:00I mean, he wouldn't have a white horse, would he?
18:02Well, not for long
18:03Oh, quiet
18:05Well, how do you like my garb?
18:07Oh, it's lovely, lovely
18:09Those are very pretty
18:11Mmm, prolific bloomers
18:14Are they? I thought it was flowers
18:17It's a good drying day for washing
18:20Fancy going for a walk?
18:21A walk?
18:22Yeah
18:23I've only got one leg, you know
18:25This one's only for show
18:27I could take it off
18:29Like Long John Silver in the play
18:31Oh, I ought to borrow your parrot
18:34Parrot?
18:35Well, you said Travis had a parrot
18:37Oh, that parrot, oh yes, yes, yes
18:39Yes, no, I can hobble about a bit
18:42But not enough to go striding about the countryside
18:45No, no, I meant go for a walk
18:47Me pushing and you riding, see
18:49Oh, I think that would be charming
18:52Let's go
18:53Right, here, anything you want before you go then?
18:55Yes, you can lift that foot onto the chair if you please
18:59Oh, right, yeah
19:00Wouldn't do to leave that behind, would it?
19:01No
19:02There we go
19:03There we are
19:04All right?
19:05Yes, fine, thank you
19:06Hey, very lifelike, isn't it?
19:08Does it come right off?
19:09Certainly
19:10I take myself to bits every night
19:13I tell you what, Saturday night I could take you down a local hop
19:20Little old lady passing by
19:23Catching everyone's eye
19:27You have such a charming manner
19:31And shy little old bonnet set in place
19:36And a smile on your face
19:40You're a perfect picture in your lavender and lace
19:47Little smile of welcome here
19:51Little ray of sunshine there
19:55Everyone is glad to meet you
19:59Walking round the square
20:02Little old lady
20:04I used to go to the opera a lot
20:06Do you like opera?
20:08Yeah, as long as there's not too much singing
20:11Quartets are my favourites
20:13I think quartets are lovely, don't you?
20:16Well, they're certainly quicker than four solos, aren't they?
20:19Oh, me
20:22You are what I believe is commonly known as a Caution
20:27Can't you be the death of me?
20:35Here we are
20:36Hey, you sure you don't want to come inside?
20:38No
20:39Just bring me a packet of crisps
20:42Must be Smith's
20:43With a little brew packet of salt
20:45Oh, yeah, right
20:46Sit down a swift half
20:47I'll be back before you can say Jack Robinson
20:49Jack Robinson?
20:50Oh, wait a minute
20:51Give me some chance
20:52I'm not inside yet
21:16Well, they didn't have no Smith's crisps
21:34There's another pub down the road
21:36I'll have me half in there
21:39Here we go again
21:47Yeah, I love chocolate
21:49Any kind of chocolate
21:51Chocolate drops, chocolate fudge, black magic
21:55Always have, ever since I can remember
21:58I can't seem to get enough of it
22:01I crave it all the time
22:03It's like a disease with me, almost
22:07I'll go mad if I can't get it
22:09Excuse me
22:11I wonder if you could oblige me
22:13Have you got the time?
22:14No, I haven't
22:15It's one o'clock
22:16My husband will be home
22:18He's a big man
22:19He'll be wanting me for his dinner
22:21He eats a lot of meat
22:25Woman
22:42Here we are then
22:44Try one for you
22:48Here we are
22:49Don't eat the little food one, will you?
22:55Oh, I know, she called her a toilet
23:15Hello? It's only me
23:17Take your time
23:19I'll just wait around
23:21Go will, I'll call the police
23:24Is that you, Mrs Tifferidge?
23:26No, it's Miss Hardacre
23:29Oh, sorry to hear that
23:31I'll leave you to it
23:35She must have fallen out on the road
23:37No wonder she was quiet
23:39I thought she was asleep
23:41Oh dear
23:42She didn't drop off, she dropped out
23:54That was an hour ago
23:56I know, I've looked in every ditch all along the road
23:58There's no sign of her
24:00Well, there's only one explanation
24:02She's been run over
24:03She'll be in hospital
24:05I'll have to telephone them up
24:07Yeah, yeah, yeah
24:08You do it
24:09Go on then, you can break the news to me gently
24:12No, I can't do it
24:13I can't see good enough
24:14You don't have to see, you dopey
24:16You have to hear
24:17Well, me earsight's not very good either
24:20Oh no, go on, get on with it
24:22What do I have to do?
24:23Well, you just take the receiver off
24:26Wind the handle, and it rings
24:32Yeah, you see
24:33No, I never touched it
24:34Did it on its own then?
24:36It's someone ringing us up
24:38It'll be the hospital
24:40Is that the hospital?
24:41How is she?
24:44She's what?
24:47Oh dear
24:49Is she unconscious?
24:52I'll come straight away
24:54Hospital, was it?
24:56No, it was the fiddler's arms
24:58Would I collect Mrs Tithridge
25:00As she's rather the worst for wear
25:04So that's where the old bird got to
25:14E-I-E-I-E-I-O
25:16It's your plumbing birthday
25:18Let's wake up all the town
25:20Knees up, knees up
25:21Don't give a breeze up
25:22Knees up on the ground
25:37I was waiting at the pier
25:43Waiting at the church
25:45Waiting at the church
25:48Then I found
25:51He left me in the hole
25:57Oh, how it did
26:00Set me
26:01Well, how do I look?
26:08Fine
26:10Fine
26:11Yes
26:13Is that one of the three suits your friend made?
26:17Yeah
26:19I've only got one left now
26:20The other two wore out
26:22I had a grey one, a brown one and a blue one
26:28And which one is that?
26:31It's the grey one, innit?
26:32Yeah, it's the grey one
26:34I picked the carnation out of the garden
26:38It's lovely
26:39You look grand
26:40Shall I go and warm up the van now then, eh?
26:42You have come round about going in the van
26:44You don't mind anymore, do you?
26:46Now, you go and get it started
26:47Yeah, right-o
27:16Someone's pinched her rotor arm
27:40Oh, dear
27:41Must have been those boys I saw playing round the van yesterday
27:44Why did they do it? Why?
27:46Well, just mischief
27:47You know what boys are
27:48Yeah, I know what they are
27:49A little swine, that's what they are
27:51They'll probably just hold it right across the field somewhere
27:55I expect it's lying deep in the undergrowth at the back of beyond
28:03Never mind
28:05Oh, come on, cheer up
28:06It's our wedding day
28:09Well, that's always been my first love, that van
28:12Well, now I'm your second love
28:14Yeah
28:16Yeah, course you are
28:17I've got you now, haven't I?
28:24What's that?
28:26Never you mind
28:27That's part of my underpinning
28:29Underpinning?
28:30You're not going to collapse when you take your corsets off, are you?
28:34Of course not
28:35Anyway, you'll find out later on, won't you?
28:39Come on
28:40We'll be late
28:42Yeah
29:03Are you ready for this?
29:04Because this is for good, you know
29:06Forever
29:07Yeah
29:09The turning point in my life, this
29:11Now I can see me way clear
29:41Thank you