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00:30OK, give me more pressure!
00:41Great, great, guys.
00:44Wonderful. God, that man can handle a horse.
00:47Yeah, well, they're just doing their job and I really think we should be doing ours.
00:52Look what I found dropped outside the house.
00:55What?
00:56What?
00:58It's a dead match, Maggie, a dead match. Now what does that tell you?
01:02It tells me somebody dropped a match.
01:04So we have a dead match and we have a fire.
01:07Do you see the connection?
01:09All right, I'll give you a clue.
01:11Two syllables, the first one is arse. What do you think the second one is?
01:14Brain?
01:15Yes, exactly. What we have here is a case of arse-brain.
01:19People drop matches all the time, Kevin.
01:23Evening, officers. Nasty little fire.
01:25Old lady dropped a chip pan full of burning fat.
01:28God knows, we try to tell them.
01:30Don't drop chip pans full of burning fat, we say.
01:33It must be heartbreaking for guys like you who have to pick up the pieces.
01:37Well, you tell yourself it's a job.
01:39Walk away, Gary, walk away.
01:41But saving lives is a heart and soul thing and you can't just walk away from that.
01:46Listen, I've been eating burning flames and acrid smoke all day.
01:50You fancy a brew?
01:51Yeah, that'd be lovely.
01:54Yes, I see.
01:56Your briefing for this evening's neighbourhood watch meeting, sir.
02:00You say you were involved in the recent armed robberies?
02:04The brains of the outfit, you say.
02:06I see, and your name?
02:09Al Capone.
02:15Yes, thank you, Mr Capone.
02:17Should you have any further information,
02:19could you ring Dr Vijay Nareem at Gasforth Psychiatric Hospital?
02:24Thank you, goodbye.
02:26God save us from these lunatics.
02:29What lunatics are those, then, Raymond?
02:32Your officers.
02:35I'm being pestered by a hoaxer.
02:38One minute he claims to have killed Kennedy,
02:40the next he's having morning coffee with Lord Lucan.
02:44Oh, well, pity the poor plod, eh?
02:47Funny, isn't it?
02:49Here we are, both coppers,
02:51except you deal with pretend criminals and I deal with real ones.
02:56As it happens, I'm about to crack the biggest case of my career.
02:59Oh, really, Derek? I hope you'd like to illuminate me.
03:02No can tell, Raymond. Top security.
03:05Oh, well, suit yourself.
03:07All right, I'll give you a clue.
03:09But this is hush-hush, winky-winky and all that.
03:13Two syllables.
03:15Terror and ism.
03:22Sir, it's the bomber. He's on the line and he wants to talk to you.
03:25Ah, ah, security, Cray.
03:27Need-to-know basis. Use the code.
03:30Sorry, sir. Mr Bang Bang is on the line.
03:34That should cover your trail.
03:36I've routed the call through to Special Branch, sir.
03:38Keep them on the line. I've got to trace the call.
03:40Quick, ping! Ping!
03:43Right, I think he's giving me a code.
03:45He's asking if I want garlic sauce.
03:48Sorry, sir, I think I've given you the wrong phone.
03:53I've just ordered a kebab.
03:58Hello?
04:01Hello?
04:03Well, then the ambulance guy said the old lady was a goner.
04:06But I soon brought her round with a bit of intensive mouth-to-mouth.
04:09Lucky old lady.
04:11Oh, God, I'm sounding really stupid.
04:13Yes, you are.
04:15So how about you, then, Kevin? You ever saved anybody's life?
04:19Yes, I have, actually. Lots of people.
04:21Oh, yeah, Kevin. How's that, then?
04:23Well, there was this village and their water supply was poisoned
04:27and I got lots of fresh stuff to them and saved hundreds and hundreds of people, actually.
04:31Wow, Kevin.
04:33Incredible. How did you manage that?
04:37I don't really want to talk about it.
04:39Oh, come on, Kevin. How did you do it?
04:42I sat in a bath full of baked beans and made £50 for comic relief.
04:55Sergeant Dawkins?
04:57Darling?
04:59I fear I shall miss supper again tonight. I have a neighbourhood watch meeting.
05:02Yes, I know. I'm going to make a stew. I'll leave some in the slow cooker.
05:06Ah, yes, absolutely. Lovely. Delicious.
05:09What a splendid thought.
05:13Or else I could just stop off at a takeaway, you know, to save you that trouble.
05:16No trouble. I've already diced the turnips.
05:20Good. Good.
05:22So, that's settled, then.
05:24Warmed-up stew.
05:27What a treat.
05:29Much better than bringing home some dull old chicken tikka masala
05:34with Rogan Josh and fluffy naan bread
05:39and pilau rice, lots of crispy poppadoms
05:43and pickled chutney, cool, cool cucumber raita.
05:49Huh. Thank goodness I won't be trying to force that down my throat tonight.
05:54Now I'm having lovely stew.
05:57Yum.
05:59Unless, of course, it's just too much trouble.
06:01I said it's no trouble.
06:03By all means, get yourself a curry if that's what you want.
06:05I've no desire to spend my evening scrubbing your root vegetables.
06:10You don't appreciate my cooking.
06:12Appreciate it? I adore your cooking.
06:15Why, that lamb casserole you left in the pot for me last night
06:18was absolutely fascinating.
06:23It was chicken chasseur.
06:26You see, your cuisine is so intriguing.
06:29Raymond, I'm busy.
06:32Yes, well, we've both had a busy day.
06:36Let me tell you, Sergeant Darling,
06:38I'm looking forward to getting into bed tonight.
06:42Really, Raymond?
06:44Dear me, yes.
06:45A chapter of John Buchan and a chocolate hobnob
06:48look pretty good from where I'm standing.
06:51So he says,
06:53God save us from these lunatics.
06:56And I says,
06:58what lunatics are those then, Raymond?
07:00Your officers?
07:07Superb, sir.
07:09Don't tell me any more.
07:11Someone's got to use this seat next shift.
07:21Ladies and gentlemen,
07:23thank you all very much for coming.
07:25Before we begin, I'd just like to set your minds at rest
07:28about one or two popular misconceptions
07:31about the Neighbourhood Watch scheme.
07:33Rest assured, this is not a busybodies charter.
07:37The police are not encouraging people to spy on their neighbours,
07:42to view all strangers with suspicion,
07:45or to complain loudly about anything or anyone they don't like.
07:48OK, I'm off.
08:02Oh, wow, Maggie.
08:04You look great, really great.
08:06What a babe.
08:07Thanks.
08:11Do you fancy a quick one?
08:15No, I mean a drink.
08:17Well, thank you, Mr Biggs.
08:20It was good of you...
08:21It was good of you to call all the way from Brazil.
08:26Nice boobs.
08:27Shoes, shoes!
08:31God, I didn't say that, did I?
08:32Did I say boobs, did I?
08:35Well, you haven't got nice boobs.
08:37Well, I mean...
08:39You have got nice...
08:41Oh, God, sorry.
08:44Yes, I'll certainly remember you to Chief Superintendent Slipper.
08:50Call Phantom Criminals, Reitman.
08:52That's the real police work going, Constable Craig.
08:55Not bad, sir. It paid the ring around.
08:57Oh, yes.
08:58Yeah, I've got a woman here who says if we buy family size instead of standard,
09:01we get a free drink with every pizza.
09:05I'm talking about the investigation into urban terrorism.
09:10Grassford Police Station.
09:12You should know, Grim, that we in the uniformed division
09:14are also at the cutting edge of modern policing.
09:17Oh, dear.
09:19Have you tried putting a saucer of milk at the bottom of the tree?
09:29Well, how about shaking the branch?
09:33I'm off now, sir. Good night.
09:35Ah, you look very splendid this evening, Constable Habib.
09:39Meeting someone special?
09:40Perhaps, sir. I've met this fine...
09:47Are you ill, Constable Goody?
09:49Oh, no, sorry, sir. A touch of wind, I think.
09:52Well, I'm not surprised.
09:54You seem to exist entirely on fizzy drinks and crisps.
09:57I shudder to think of the state of your bowels.
10:01Now, get on with your work.
10:04So, a fireman, eh, Constable?
10:06Well, I applaud your choice.
10:08A splendid body of public servants.
10:11I never cease to be thrilled when I attend the scene of a fire
10:14and amid all that fear and passion,
10:17some giant of a man emerges from the heat
10:20carrying a helpless damsel in his arms.
10:23Laying her down, planting his mouth upon hers
10:26and applying himself with rhythmic vigour
10:31until she moans and gasps.
10:35And then we know that all is well.
10:39Of course, nothing like that's going to happen on a pleasant evening out.
10:44Well, we live in hope, don't we, sir?
10:50Constable Goody, if I'd wanted a dead halibut for a colleague,
10:55I would have become a fishmonger.
10:59Pat, someone to see you, Maggie.
11:02Oh, hello, Gary.
11:04Pat, this is Gary. His name's Gary.
11:06Hi, babe.
11:10Hope I wasn't late.
11:12I had to rescue six tiny children from a burning bedroom this afternoon.
11:16Gosh, Gary, amazing.
11:17Normally not a problem, but the stairwell was a furnace
11:20and I had to lower the kids down the outside wall using my braces.
11:23Gosh, Gary, amazing.
11:26You know, the real funny thing was that afterwards,
11:28while the terrified mother was thanking me brokenly,
11:30my trousers fell down.
11:33Gosh, Gary, amazing.
11:35Gosh, Gary, amazing.
11:39Where's Kev?
11:40Well, I didn't mention it to him that we were going out.
11:43You know, to his company, and he's a berk.
11:46Hi, Kev.
11:49Fancy a pint? Or ten?
11:51He doesn't want a drink.
11:53Come on, Gary, we should be going.
11:55Doesn't want a drink? Of course he wants a drink.
11:57He's a copper, isn't he?
11:58Oh, unless, of course, he's one of them whoopsies.
12:01One of those fruit-flavoured, water-in-a-tub-of-cottage cheese merchants.
12:07Actually, I'm very, very busy.
12:09Got a lot of important work to do here.
12:11I'm at the very cutting edge of modern policing, mate,
12:13and believe me, it's tough out on those mean streets, all right.
12:17Councilman Goody, your duty report on this morning's tuck shop disturbances
12:21at All Saints' Entrance is a disgrace.
12:24There's an H in walnut whip,
12:26and crunchy is spelled with an I-E, not a Y.
12:31Sir, we've located Mr Bang Bang. We've traced his call.
12:34Yeah, well, I hope you've got telecom to chase the right line.
12:36I don't want to get Special Branch down to raid your kebab shop.
12:42Special Branch, is it, Derek?
12:44Sounds exciting.
12:46Perhaps I can help.
12:48I don't think so, Raymond.
12:50Different disciplines, you see.
12:52Me, detective. You, plot.
12:56Quite frankly, covert operations are tricky enough
12:59without uniforms sticking their size 12 boots in and fannying about.
13:05Sorry, mate, but you do understand, don't you?
13:07Yes. Well, I didn't really have time, anyway.
13:09Lots to do, lots to do.
13:11Sir, I've got those doggy-do details you asked for.
13:16Pavement fouling is really getting out of hand, sir,
13:19and personally, I think it's time we stamped on it.
13:25Oh, thanks, Kerry.
13:27It's been lovely.
13:29I think maybe I drank a bit too much.
13:31Now, were you trying to get me diddly?
13:34You don't have to try too hard with a girl who drinks tequila straight from the bottle.
13:38Yeah. Sorry about that.
13:40Right, I'll be off.
13:42Oh, are you not coming in for a coffee?
13:44I've got a packet of condoms. I mean, biscuits.
13:46Oh, dear.
13:48Let's go.
13:53I'll put her round the station tomorrow, all right?
13:55Yeah.
13:56Bye.
13:57See you.
14:03Was that rat-faced?
14:04I waved goodbye, went bum-up over the privet
14:07and flashed me frillies at the dirty curtain twitcher at number 29.
14:10Sounds like a big night.
14:12Is there anything you woke up regretting?
14:14Yeah, that I didn't shag him.
14:21Do you always do it on a first date?
14:24Of course not, obviously.
14:26But he's so gorgeous, Pat.
14:28And really handsome.
14:29Oh, he looks great in his helmet.
14:31I'm surprised they can find one big enough to fit him.
14:33No, you've got him all wrong, Pat.
14:35He's lovely.
14:36I mean, all right, he's a bit full of himself.
14:38But he's a decent bloke.
14:40I mean, last night, I was offering it on a plate.
14:43But I was drunk and he didn't take advantage.
14:46I mean, how many blokes at the end of an evening would leave you alone like that?
14:49Not even try for a kiss?
14:51Morning, everyone.
14:55Morning.
14:58Everything's coming together, sir.
15:00We've got a surveillance team in place and special branch have taken our position.
15:03Christ, I haven't been so excited since they introduced the American-style siren.
15:10Morning.
15:11Morning, sir.
15:12Another day dawns in our ceaseless battle with the forces of anarchy and chaos.
15:20There's a helmet on my hook.
15:23Somebody's put a helmet on my special hook.
15:26Sorry, sir. I wasn't thinking.
15:29You're a police officer, Goody. You should be thinking all the time.
15:32Supposing the forces of anarchy and chaos had turned up while you weren't thinking.
15:37They'd have thought it was Christmas, wouldn't they?
15:40Yes, I suppose so, sir.
15:41You suppose, right, sir?
15:43A policeman's hat is not just something to be hurled about the place willy-nilly.
15:47It is crowning glory.
15:49On personal loan, I might add, from the Queen.
15:55It must be cosseted and cared for, the badge polished and the fabric brushed.
15:59I take my hat very seriously.
16:02Likewise, my hat hook.
16:06May I have a word with you and your men, please, Ryman?
16:08By all means, Derek. I'm always keen to encourage interdepartmental communication.
16:12Thank you very much.
16:14This afternoon, officers from this station, CID officers,
16:21led by Detective Inspector Grimm, i.e. me,
16:26will deploy ourselves operationally in a suspect arrest scenario vis-a-vis
16:33and apropos of a terrorism containment action
16:37in conjunction with operatives and personnel from special forces.
16:44And for those English speakers amongst us...
16:48Me and Special Branch are going to nick a mad bomber.
16:52Right, that is all. Cray, Crockett, follow me.
16:59Well, we can only hope that their endeavours are crowned with success.
17:03There was a time when I was destined for Special Branch, you know.
17:07Oh, yes, that was very much what my instructors at Hendon had in mind for me.
17:12The drug war, counter-terrorism, that sort of thing.
17:14Oh, what happened, Inspector?
17:16What happened, Goody?
17:18A little thing called ordinary policing, that's what happened.
17:21A little thing called the day-to-day business of protecting the public
17:25and keeping Her Majesty's peace.
17:27Not glamorous, I dare say.
17:29Not sexy.
17:32But what we do at this station every day
17:34is every bit as important as preventing a bomb attack.
17:37We're all part of the thin blue line, isn't that right, Inspector?
17:41That's right, Goody.
17:44The only difference being that your bit of the thin blue line is slightly thicker.
17:48The only difference being that your bit of the thin blue line is slightly thicker.
17:57Well, Cray, this is it.
17:59A terrorist containment operation.
18:03Cray...
18:05Robert...
18:07If I don't come back, I want you to go to my wife and...
18:11and see that she wants for nothing.
18:14What do you mean, give her one?
18:16No, I don't mean give her one.
18:19Just tell her...
18:21Just tell her I love her.
18:23You sure, sir?
18:25I mean, they're most delicate of these, isn't they?
18:27We're partners, Robert.
18:29Like Starsky and Hutch or...
18:32or Peters and Lee.
18:36Is there any last thing you want?
18:38I mean, if you...
18:40Well, I've got a couple of videos out, sir. You can take them back from me.
18:47I wonder how they're getting on with Special Branch.
18:50Wish I was there.
18:52Never mind about Special Branch, laddie.
18:54We've got a lot of extremely important work to do here.
18:56Interesting case here, sir.
18:58A woman in Gallipoli clothes reckons a bloke opposite has trimmed his edge into the shape of a bottom.
19:06He says it's a peach.
19:09Yes, thank you, Gladstone.
19:10Sir, sir!
19:11We can listen to Inspector Grimm's terrorist raid on the radio, sir. It's brilliant!
19:15Turn that off, boy. It's none of our business.
19:17We have plenty of work to do here.
19:19And what's more work than is every bit as important as any performed by Special Branch.
19:23Today's criminal, no matter how lowly, is sophisticated, high-tech and computer literate.
19:29A cunning and complex foe.
19:33I have the right to a lawyer and a bucket.
19:36Quick, quick, Goody, get the man something to be sickened to before he does it on my desk.
19:46Come on!
19:50Sorry, sir, I'll try and clean it.
19:51Leave it, leave it, leave it, leave it!
19:53At lunchtime you'll take that to be dry cleaned at your own expense.
19:56You, come with me.
20:03Sergeant Dawkins, why was this inebriate allowed past the front desk?
20:07Because it's a sad, useless excuse for a man. I thought you might get on with it.
20:12Look, look, we've been through this.
20:15I had a neighbourhood watch meeting last night. I was extremely tired.
20:18You're extremely tired every night.
20:20Well, look, I'm sorry, but I am what I am. I'm not a sex machine.
20:26And I cannot be expected to make love willy-nilly every fortnight.
20:32The operation was a complete success.
20:37Vis-Ã -vis and apropos of our objectives, they're bringing the prisoner in now.
20:43What's more, he's in the charge of a commander of special branch.
20:48A commander of special branch? In our station?
20:51Oh, yes. And he's asking to speak to the uniformed officer commanding.
20:56Well, we must find him immediately.
20:59That's me.
21:08I'm about to greet an extremely senior colleague.
21:11How do I look? Smart? Very smart, sir.
21:13Good. Don't want these Scotland Yard wallows looking down on us.
21:16I must look my absolute best.
21:24Oh, my God, my hat's full of sick.
21:29Oh.
21:33Jam it down, sir. Jam it down.
21:36If you don't take it off, you'll be fine.
21:48Good afternoon, Commander. I'm awfully sorry to keep you.
21:51Inspector Fowler, I presume.
21:54Commander Crowley, special branch.
21:58So, madman, don't you remove your hat when addressing a senior officer?
22:04No, sir.
22:07I am a Sikh.
22:15I am forbidden to bear my head.
22:18I see.
22:20Well, no disrespect intended.
22:22Now, look here, your colleague, Inspector Grim here,
22:25has pulled off a superb piece of work.
22:28He has located a man he strongly suspects of being a terrorist,
22:32and what we require from you, Fowler, is the use of your facilities.
22:35I see. Well, that'll be a pleasure, sir.
22:38It's second on the left,
22:40and you're very welcome to use the liquid soap marked Fowler's Keep Off.
22:45Not those facilities, you bonehead, the cells.
22:49Of course, I understand.
22:51Let me show you, sir.
22:52Are you a prisoner, Detective Inspector Grim?
22:55Thank you, sir.
22:57Ah, yes, Fowler, there is one thing you can do.
23:01Sir?
23:02Get your uniform dry-cleaned. It smells like a drunk's thrown up in your hat.
23:09So, fancy a drink after work, then?
23:13Sorry, Kevin, I'm going out with Gary.
23:15He doesn't like you for yourself, you know. He's only interested in one thing.
23:18Well, you're wrong there. He's a nice bloke.
23:21He's even nice about you, as it happens.
23:23Says we should take you out with us.
23:25I said forget it.
23:26I'm not having you hanging about like the last turkey in the shop.
23:32Please, don't bother to knock.
23:34Sometimes formalities have to take second place
23:36to the urgent business of counter-terrorism, Fowler.
23:38So I should count myself lucky you didn't come in through the window.
23:44Grim, you don't smoke.
23:46Oh, yes, I do sometimes. I smoke sometimes, certainly.
23:52Right, MI6 will be arriving shortly to interrogate the prisoner.
23:56I'm leaving you in charge till I get back.
23:59I'm going into town to buy a leather jacket.
24:03Sir, excuse me.
24:05The lady from the Latimer Estate neighbourhood wants to see you.
24:09Dear, oh, dear, Raymond, I don't know how you stand the pace.
24:12You should slow down.
24:14You'll do yourself a mischief.
24:17How have you asked us to report anything unusual going on?
24:20And I think gangs of coppers with guns
24:22running all over Mr Dibley's petunias is unusual.
24:26And, of course, you're absolutely right, Mrs Rabbit.
24:29However, I can assure you that Special Branch
24:31had very good reasons indeed for making the arrest.
24:34I know all about what Mr Dibley's been up to.
24:36You do? Oh, yes.
24:38He told me.
24:39It's always going on about the crimes he's done.
24:42Always boasting about them.
24:44Of course, we all thought it was lies.
24:46I was amazed when all those coppers turned up.
24:51You poor, bloody fool.
24:53You don't know what you've caught here, do you?
24:55Name a crime.
24:57Well, you've been arrested on suspicion of planning terrorism.
25:00That was just kid stuff. Name another.
25:02The Great Train Robbery.
25:04Oh, you're smarter than what I thought, copper.
25:07Yep, that was one of mine.
25:09Go on, give us another one.
25:10The assassination of President Kennedy.
25:12Me again?
25:14Yes, thank you, Mr Dibley. That'll be all.
25:16No, I've got a lot more to talk about yet.
25:18Do you know that Second World War? I started that.
25:22All I can say, Fowler,
25:24is you have saved me from complete and utter ridicule.
25:27If you had not uncovered the fact
25:29that our terrorist was one of these insane hoaxers,
25:33I could well have ended up looking like a beautifully uniformed turd.
25:38Yes, I can imagine the Director of Public Prosecutions
25:41picking one or two holes in the confessions of a man
25:44who claims to have decapitated Charles I.
25:48As for you, Grim,
25:50you are a disgrace to the service
25:52and I hope I never set eyes on your fatuous features ever again.
25:56Does that mean that perhaps you won't be recommending me
25:59to join Special Branch, sir?
26:01That is the first correct deduction you have made since joining the force.
26:04Congratulations.
26:08I hope you kept the receipt for the jacket.
26:13Frankly, Maggie, after what you told me about last night's performance,
26:16I'd be surprised if he turns up at all.
26:18Hi, babe. Sorry I'm late.
26:21Tough day. Had to save some nuns from a burning convent.
26:24Oh, Gary, you're so amazing.
26:26I told those nuns, don't play with candles
26:29cos I won't always be there to put out the fire.
26:32You know, Kev, that uniform really suits you.
26:37Yes, well, anyway, so, Gary, where are you going to take me?
26:41Well, I thought Kev might know a decent boozer.
26:43You know, a real ladsy place.
26:45How about it, mate? Can I buy you a pint?
26:47He's not thirsty!
26:49Maggie, that's the terrorist!
26:52That's right!
26:54So, er, nobody move!
26:56I'm armed and I'm dangerous
26:58and I'm going to take a hostage.
27:00Who's he going to be?
27:02Take me!
27:03No, Maggie, you're too beautiful to die. Take me!
27:06Kev, you're too beautiful to die. Take me!
27:14What is going on here?
27:16Watch out, Raymond, it's the terrorist. He's armed.
27:18I appreciate your concern, Patricia,
27:20but this man is no more a terrorist than I am Joanna Lumley.
27:24He's, in fact, a loony.
27:29Now, get out.
27:30And if I ever catch you lying to the police again,
27:33it'll be wormwood scrubs for you.
27:35Prison can't hold the Birdman.
27:38Go away.
27:43Well, I think you might have told me you were gay.
27:47You must have known I liked you.
27:49Exactly. I thought we were friends.
27:51But it turns out you're only after one thing.
27:53And you aren't interested physically in girls at all?
27:56Not interested, not capable.
27:58Not even if I put it in a splint.
28:01So you fancy Kevin?
28:03Kevin fancies me.
28:05And I fancy you.
28:09Well, I'll go and get the dominoes, shall I?