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Short filmTranscript
00:30Morning, team. Everything's ship-shape and Bristol fashion.
00:34Never mind.
00:36Everything's running like clockwork.
00:38We're not going to let you down today, Mr Temple Savage. Don't you worry.
00:42Of course she's going to worry. The big boss is coming to leave her the sack.
00:46Give her the sack, not leave her the sack.
00:49Yeah, hopefully not.
00:51Don't worry. Leslie, it's fine.
00:53Whatever the CEO of Solana Europe decides to do with me
00:57after yesterday's events, well, that's up to her.
01:01Que sera, sera.
01:03What time does Miss Sara-sara get here?
01:06I will make sure she's looked after, yes?
01:08No. Que sera, sera isn't her name. That's just a saying.
01:13Her name is Crystal Hennessy Vass.
01:16Make her that what you will.
01:18I think I prefer Que sera, sera.
01:20Leslie, you haven't forgotten about the Dutch dignitaries arriving, have you?
01:24What are the Dutch dignitaries?
01:26Dignitaries. It means very important people.
01:30Ah, BPLs.
01:33No, Mr Temple Savage, I haven't forgotten about them. Everything is in hand.
01:37Very good. One of them is the mayor of Lilliput or something.
01:41Try and get a photo of them enjoying our facilities.
01:44It might increase bookings from the Netherlands.
01:47Erm...
01:50Erm...
01:52Neither of you have seen Cyril, have you?
01:56Mrs Temple Savage had his breakfast taken up to his room and, well...
02:01He didn't sleep there last night.
02:03Right.
02:05Well...
02:07He's probably trying to make himself scarce.
02:10He'll no doubt grace us with his presence later.
02:15Carry on.
02:19Squirrel will not be bringing Joyce presents later, will he, Leslie?
02:23No, Mario, I don't think he will.
02:33So he's going to be OK, isn't he?
02:49What?
02:51Who?
02:53Where? Guy?
02:56It's only me.
02:58Don't worry, it's only me.
03:00Oh, Liam.
03:02You came.
03:04Of course I came. You text me four times already, telling me not to be late.
03:08All the people in here have been so kind.
03:14Is that for me? Yeah.
03:16Really?
03:19Oh, you shouldn't have.
03:21I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
03:26What's this?
03:28Oranges?
03:30You're taking the piss? I've got an heart complaint, not frigging scurvy.
03:34But there's grapes in there as well.
03:36Where's the Zingerburger and fries I asked you for?
03:38They're not open yet. The doctor said you're not to get excited.
03:41Excited? About what? A bloody fruit salad?
03:44I'm wasting away, aren't I? And you bring me this bag of shite.
03:48And what's this? A lemon?
03:50What am I supposed to do with a bloody lemon?
03:52Oh, stop this for a game of soldiers.
03:54I'll have to join a Joseph's for a fry-off.
03:56Stay there! What are you doing? Stay in bed!
03:58You can't just stay in bed!
04:00No! No!
04:02You get off me, man!
04:04Oh, you can't do this to me!
04:06Get off me!
04:14Morning, love.
04:16Oh, I'm so glad to get off that coach.
04:19I've never known such a bumpy ride.
04:26I'm just finishing these two young men off.
04:29Can I put you in the capable hands of my colleague, Matthew?
04:33I don't mind who sorts me out. I'm just glad to be in the sun.
04:42Your name is Mina Love Allen.
04:45Mina loves my real name, but everyone calls me Queenie.
04:51OK, Queenie, you have a double room booked for one week.
04:54There is just you.
04:56Nobody else.
04:58Well, for the moment.
05:00But hope springs eternal in the human breast.
05:07What does this mean?
05:09I've no idea. Just get her booked in.
05:11She's frightening the other guests.
05:15OK, Queenie.
05:17Here's your all-inclusive wristband and your room key.
05:20You are on the 11th floor.
05:22Please, have a happy holiday.
05:25It's a good job I've got a head for heights.
05:29These stairs, yes?
05:31It will be much quicker for you to take the elevator.
05:33Oh, no, I never go in elevators.
05:35They make me nervous and I break out into uncontrollable laughter.
05:41Do you want me to find your room on the lower floor?
05:43Don't bother yourself. It's all good fun, isn't it?
05:4711th floor!
05:53I bet we can still hear her laughing from up there.
06:10A message from Queenie.
06:12She's here, OK.
06:14Arrived, safe and sound, just heading to my room.
06:17Probably need a shower after that.
06:19But see you guys shortly.
06:21Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
06:25Lovely.
06:29She could have saved them the text.
06:31Oh, yeah.
06:33You can always say, Queenie coming.
06:35Quite.
06:38Ooh, go on, she's there.
06:41I can see she's there.
06:43Well, go and talk to her about the discount.
06:45They'll probably just refund it to our card.
06:49Where are you going?
06:51Well, if you're too spineless to ask for it, I'll have to do it myself.
06:54Tonya?
06:56Tonya!
06:58Este servicio necesita...
07:03..subsidiary...
07:08Keep going, I think he's getting the gist of it.
07:11It's a very difficult language.
07:14You owe us money.
07:17Good morning to you as well.
07:19You gave us an 80% discount on our holiday
07:21and I'd like to sort that out if that's OK with you.
07:23How did you get 80% off?
07:25It's a long story. I've got all day.
07:28I think you'll find I offered you 20% discount
07:31on your next holiday.
07:33Our next holiday?
07:35Yes.
07:36Our next holiday here?
07:38Yes.
07:39You have got to be joking.
07:41We come every year. I'll have the discount.
07:43Right, who's your superior?
07:45And I don't mean intelligence.
07:47I haven't got time to see that many people.
07:49I haven't got one.
07:51I find that very difficult to believe.
07:53I imagine you find most things difficult,
07:55especially in those ludicrous heels.
07:59What did you just say?
08:00Don't get me wrong, I think your look is very brave.
08:03I was a huge fan of George and Mildred.
08:06Now, you listen to me.
08:08All right, ladies, calm down.
08:10Come on, we've all have a lot to drink.
08:12Your voucher will be sent on to you
08:14should your grubby and rather strange family
08:17wish to grace us with their presence again.
08:19What?
08:20Do let me know if I can be of further assistance.
08:23Come here.
08:24Come here and say that!
08:26Leave it, leave it.
08:28What the hell is going on over there?
08:30It's your husband with his dirty wandering hands.
08:33My husband is obviously trying to keep the peace.
08:36Trying to get a peace, more like.
08:38He's had his eye on that one since day one.
08:57Oh, my God.
08:59I reckon it's a film star.
09:01What, staying here?
09:03Yeah, all right.
09:10Park up, Elvis.
09:12This could take some time.
09:14Uh-huh.
09:27THUNDER RUMBLES
09:37Oh!
09:43When you have a minute.
09:45Oh, I beg your pardon.
09:47I put all my bras on a boil whilst buying this cake
09:50and this one's cutting through me like a knife through butter.
09:54Welcome to the salon. How can I help you?
09:56Well, you can start by telling me that you're not Joyce Temple Savage.
10:00Oh, no, no, Joyce is the manager, yes.
10:03I'm Leslie, chief dog's body and bottle washer.
10:06Thank God for that.
10:08Oh, you'll have to put that old pet to non-smoking hotel.
10:11Leslie, I have looked everywhere in the hotel for Squirrel.
10:14I am sure he has gone.
10:15You have Squirrels in the hotel?
10:18No, are you deaf?
10:20I just said he has gone.
10:21I don't know what Matthew means.
10:23All right, I've heard enough.
10:25Now, listen to me. I am going to take a seat over there
10:28and you, young man, are going to bring me a large gin,
10:31slimline tonic and an ashtray,
10:33and you, madam, are going to get Joyce Temple Savage on the telephone
10:38and tell her to get her sorry arse down here within the next five minutes.
10:42And who, if you don't mind me asking, shall I tell her is waiting for her?
10:46Crystal Hennessy-Vass, chairman and CEO of the Solana Leisure Group Europe.
10:52In other words, top dog, kiddo.
10:55Top dog.
10:59What kind of dog?
11:09Cheers!
11:10Cheers!
11:11Oh, it's so lovely to see you, Queenie.
11:14It's just such a shame I go home tomorrow.
11:17You go home tomorrow?
11:18Yes, we've been here a week.
11:20Oh, your timing's terrible.
11:22You know, it's the CBSA's Silver Jubilee next week.
11:26CBSA?
11:27Costa Blanca Swinging Association.
11:30There's a swingers' association covering the whole of the Costa Blanca?
11:34Gracious, that sounds like quite a bean feast.
11:38I thought that's why you were here.
11:40No, when you texted us and said that you were coming to Benidorm,
11:43we just thought it was a happy coincidence.
11:45Oh, Donald, can't we stay on another week?
11:48I'm sorry, Jacqueline, it's out of the question.
11:51Yesterday I spent two euros on a newspaper we didn't need.
11:56I feel as though the handbrake on our finances has been totally disengaged.
12:01My mate, Pepe de la Cruz, is making a personal appearance this year.
12:06Not the Pepe de la Cruz.
12:09Yes, we go back years.
12:12Who is Pepe de la Cruz?
12:15Oh, he's not that skunk in them cartoons, is he?
12:19That's Pepe le Pew.
12:22Pepe de la Cruz is an international legend.
12:25He had quite an adult film career in his day.
12:28He was known as the King of the Swingers.
12:32Pepe's basically retired from the swinging scene now,
12:35but he does make a few personal appearances now and again.
12:39You don't want to meet him, do you?
12:42You could actually get us an audience with Pepe de la Cruz.
12:48Well, security around him and his wife's tight, as you can well imagine.
12:52But there's a party in his honour tonight.
12:55I could pull a few strings.
12:58Oh, same again!
13:00Lovely!
13:03You know, my uncle Cameron once cried
13:07after kissing the Pope's ring on a visit to the Vatican in the early 60s.
13:12He said one day I'd understand how he felt.
13:16How right he was!
13:22So did he get the refund or not?
13:24I've told you, I don't know.
13:25What was the refund for?
13:26I don't know!
13:28Why are you bothered about that?
13:30Why don't you get the money she owes you from going to that spa?
13:33You still haven't told me how much he was.
13:35Well, how much was it?
13:4020 euro.
13:4250?
13:44It can't be more than 50.
13:49400.
13:50400?!
13:51And 60.
13:52460 euros?!
13:54I thought you went to a spa, not frigging bought one!
13:58Right, I'll sort this out.
13:59Sit down!
14:01You've got to be joking!
14:02You might have taken leave of your senses, but I haven't!
14:04Sit down!
14:05I don't want the money back. I'll pay for it.
14:07Oh, you don't want the money back? Well, I bloody well do!
14:10Here we go.
14:11An afternoon of extravagance with the attack of the 50ft woman
14:14and she thinks she's Zaza Gabor.
14:16I don't want the money back because I don't want her thinking
14:18we can't afford it.
14:20We can't afford it.
14:21460 euros?!
14:23Bloody holiday didn't cost that much!
14:25Shut up, shut up, the pair of you.
14:27It's my problem and I'll sort it out.
14:29460...
14:31Mother, I said shut up! I'll sort it!
14:34Ma'am, can I have some money to go to the beach?
14:39Well?
14:46May I just say before you begin
14:48that I take full responsibility for all recent events?
14:51Well, that goes without saying.
14:53As far as Solana Benidorm is concerned, you are at the top of the tree.
14:58But when the monkey gets to the top of the tree,
15:01when the monkey gets to the top of the tree,
15:03everybody can see its arse.
15:06Yes, right, quite.
15:09Anyway, what I was going to say was...
15:11Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
15:18You see, Savage, my problem is that you've gone over my head.
15:22Right.
15:23We're not still talking about the monkey, are we?
15:25You've made major decisions regarding this hotel
15:27without consulting your superiors,
15:29which have resulted in what can only be described
15:31as a complete contravention of Solana's standards.
15:34But can I say, in our defence,
15:36we bought the pig with all good faith
15:39and all hygiene standards were adhered to
15:41in line with the European health regulations.
15:44I am convinced the pig had a jippy tummy when it was alive.
15:50What the hell are you talking about?
15:52The pig, for the eating competition
15:55that gave all our guests food poisoning.
15:57You're telling me that your guests got food poisoning?
15:59So what? Welcome to Benidorm.
16:02I'm talking about something far more serious.
16:05You mean employ Mr Babcock as assistant manager.
16:08I can assure you that despite his brief prison sentence in Thailand
16:12for worrying cows, his character and references are second to none.
16:16Savage! Yes?
16:18You did something to this hotel that opposes every principle,
16:22every criteria, every specification that I set down
16:26when I founded the Solana Leisure Group in 1983.
16:29What did I do?
16:31You had the temerity to have the hotel upgraded to a four-star.
16:35I don't understand. Surely that's a good thing.
16:38When people book the three-star Solana Benidorm,
16:41they expect a certain level of service.
16:43Absolute crap.
16:45So when they get here, and they get more than that,
16:48they're pleasantly surprised.
16:50What's he? Tell them it's a three-star
16:53and they expect sticky carpets, egg and chips, karaoke.
16:57Tell them it's a four-star
16:59and you are opening a whole new can of worms for yourself.
17:03I didn't think. No, you didn't.
17:06We are budget and we're proud.
17:08And the last thing that we need is some toffee-nosed social climber
17:12trying to drag us into the 21st century.
17:15Toffee-nosed social climber?
17:17I'm talking about you, Savage.
17:19Oh, yes, of course. Sorry.
17:21Does this mean that we're not in trouble about the pig, I mean the food poisoning?
17:25All I care about is that you've not given this hotel ideas above its station.
17:29I want to see good, honest, working-class people
17:32enjoying a basic three-star holiday.
17:35So we'll start with the rooms and we'll work our way outside.
17:39Do I make myself clear?
17:41Well, apart from the word temerity, yes, absolutely.
17:45Oh, and one more thing. Yes?
17:47Large gin and slimline tonic.
17:49Would you like to follow me?
18:09What happened?
18:10You fell asleep again.
18:14I need your help.
18:15I'm not getting you a zinger burger.
18:17I need you to help me get out of here.
18:19Kenneth, you've had a heart attack.
18:22I haven't had a heart attack. Don't be so dramatic.
18:24I had a few chest pains and I was a bit short of breath.
18:27You get out of that bed and I'm calling for the doctor.
18:36You've got to stop playing this down.
18:39I've told everyone at the Solana that they didn't keep you in hospital
18:42like you asked me to, but at some point you've got to face facts.
18:45You're not a well man.
18:47I don't want people worrying about me.
18:49I don't want all this fuss. I just want to go home.
18:51No.
18:54I'll be back later this afternoon.
18:56If I hear you've been out of that bed, that's me and you finished.
19:01You can be quite the little Miss Bossypants when you put your mind to it, can't you?
19:05You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you.
19:15I'll be back.
19:17Oh? You're like Arnold Schwarzenegger with the tangerine rinse.
19:23I'll see you later.
19:27See you later, love.
19:46I trust the rooms were to your satisfaction?
19:49Not bad.
19:51The blinds are a little modern.
19:53Why don't you see if you can get some cheap net curtains?
19:56Absolutely.
19:57You know, although we did manage to scrape a four-star rating,
20:01I'm pretty sure the accreditation board would have no problem
20:05putting us back down to a three.
20:07So this new assistant manager you were talking about,
20:11where is he?
20:12Cyril. He, um...
20:14I believe it's Mr Babcock's day off today.
20:17Joyce, do you see the word idiot written across my forehead?
20:22No.
20:24Good. Well, there's a reason for that.
20:27Now, let's start again.
20:29Mr Babcock?
20:31I'm not sure where he is.
20:34Mr Babcock is an old friend of mine.
20:38He has made a few mistakes,
20:40but I do believe he's the right man for the job.
20:43He's not just a friend, is he?
20:45I can assure you mine and Mr Babcock's relationship
20:48is absolutely professional.
20:50No bollocks to that.
20:52Come on, I've seen that look in a woman's eye before.
20:55I met all four of my husbands on the job, so to speak.
20:59Have you had an argument?
21:02Just a misunderstanding.
21:04Just a misunderstanding.
21:06I think he's licking his wounds somewhere.
21:08Slightly too much information, but I know what you mean.
21:11Excuse me, you were incredibly rude to my wife earlier.
21:15Piss off, short arse. Can't you see we're having a conversation here?
21:19Go on, shoo, shoo, shoo, get off, get off.
21:23Never forget the Solanas' two golden rules.
21:26Number one, the customer is always right.
21:29And number two?
21:31If the customer happens to be a man, forget rule number one.
21:40You're doing a great job here, Savage.
21:43Just remember to get one of those stars
21:45taken down from the front of the hotel
21:47and we won't say any more about it, OK?
21:49I understand.
21:50Elvis, I'm about to leave the building.
21:53Oh, and Joyce, if your man doesn't come back,
21:57maybe he wasn't right for you in the first place.
22:02Que sera, sera.
22:07Oh, Cyril.
22:09Que sera, sera
22:18Whatever will be
22:24Whatever will be
22:40I said Omar don't care how long it's been in the fryer.
22:43I'm telling you, that fish just winked at me.
22:47Good day to you.
22:49My colleagues and I have a reservation in the name of de Groot.
22:52And then he says...
22:54What did you say your name was?
22:56Jan de Groot.
22:58Are you the party from Neverland?
23:00Neverland?
23:01We are from the Netherlands.
23:04We are Dutch.
23:06We are from Amsterdam.
23:11Back, back, back, back.
23:15Mario, pass me that carpet.
23:17What?
23:18The red carpet.
23:19Really, this is not necessary.
23:21One second.
23:37Gentlemen, it is of our greatest pleasure to welcome you
23:41to the beautiful, sleepy fishing town of Benidorm
23:45and the luxurious tranquillity that is the Savannah.
23:51We are booking in for one night.
23:54Our passports.
23:55But of course.
23:57May I see how handsome you fine gentlemen are looking today?
24:02I like your hair.
24:07Right.
24:08Just a small amount of paperwork to be done
24:10will have you in the lap of luxury in two shakes of a duck's tail.
24:17Look, I'm not being funny, but it's me she fancies.
24:20Why do you think that?
24:21Just because she asked you to meet her today?
24:23Yeah.
24:24And because in Neptune's last name she totally blanked you.
24:27Mikey, no offence, but how stupid are you?
24:30She's trying to get to me through you.
24:32And why would she do that?
24:33Because she's a girl.
24:35Girls don't go up to the guy they fancy and ask them out.
24:38They get friendly with their best mate.
24:41I'm telling you, if you'd have came here today without me,
24:44she'd have been absolutely gutted.
24:50Gerardo?
24:51What's that mean?
24:53I remember seeing a sign like that before
24:55when I took a dump in the Solana pool.
24:57I think it means you're closed.
24:59Come on.
25:00I knew she wouldn't be here.
25:18What have you done?
25:19What's wrong with you?
25:20Why not, man? It's a joke.
25:23Don't hang around. You'll get caught.
25:35As well as a list of Benidorm's finest sex shops,
25:39you will also find at the bottom of the page
25:41the number of Locky Kev,
25:43a small-time local drug dealer
25:45who will keep you supplied with all varieties of weed
25:48and puff during your stay here at the Solana.
25:53Ah, yes.
25:54And we also have a small afternoon snack for you all,
25:57a horse's duvery, to make you feel at home.
26:02Enjoy.
26:11The first shop on the list is less than one kilometre away.
26:14Excuse me, sir.
26:38Get out of the way.
26:45Hello.
26:46Don't you hello me.
26:48I beg your pardon.
26:49What's going on?
26:50What's going on?
26:51Oh, you've got some front.
26:53What is it that you want?
26:55You practically mugged my daughter in broad daylight.
26:59I should call the police.
27:00Why don't I get us all a drink?
27:02Oh, yeah.
27:03Offer to get a round of drinks in an all-inclusive hotel.
27:06It's about as far as your generosity stretches.
27:09I've met you people before.
27:11Short arms and long pockets.
27:13I haven't got short arms.
27:15You're tight as a duck's arse and you've got a face to match.
27:18That's my wife you're talking to.
27:20Oh, you knew which one I meant then.
27:23I think you should come back when you're sober.
27:27Oh, shit.
27:29Mick, Mick, wake up.
27:31I haven't touched a drop.
27:33Unlike your freeloading family, I've seen you
27:36guzzling down the free booze like someone's going to take it away from you.
27:40Mother, what are you doing?
27:42What do you mean freeloading?
27:44We've paid for our holiday just like you have.
27:46Oh, yeah, and you're trying to wriggle out of that as well.
27:49Oh, for God's sake, Mother.
27:51Tell her you want your money back.
27:53I don't want any money back.
27:55Why don't we all have a drink?
27:56That's what I said.
27:57They should be locked up and their ugly kids should be in care.
28:01What?
28:02I have no idea what the maximum sentence in Spain is
28:06for breaking a pensioner's neck, but I am more than willing to fight...
28:10What are you doing?
28:11I'm not doing anything.
28:13Mick, get her out of me.
28:25You'll have to pay for that as well.
28:29Mum, come on.
28:31I've got you.
28:34Check again.
28:35Donald and Jacqueline Stewart, we're friends again.
28:38Donald, where have you been?
28:40Sorry, we had a nap this afternoon after our drinks at the Solana.
28:44You know what they say, siesta before fiesta.
28:48It's OK, they're with me.
28:54Thank goodness, this looks quite a party.
28:58Oh, yes, there's a big movie being made in Alicante.
29:03There's quite a few faces in town
29:05and, of course, they all want to meet Pepe.
29:08He's a bit of a cult.
29:10Oh, that's a shame.
29:12A lot of famous people can be a...
29:15No, cult.
29:17Oh, right!
29:20Right, let's get some drinks, have a mingle,
29:24then we can go through and meet Pepe.
29:27Wonderful.
29:36Elena?
29:38What are you doing here?
29:39Tiger, how are you?
29:41Yeah, I'm good. What's going on?
29:43I was looking for Michael.
29:45He's, um...
29:47gone.
29:48Gone?
29:49Yeah, his family went out into Benidorm for dinner.
29:54Oh, you don't know where?
29:56No, sorry, they didn't say.
29:58Then he flies home tomorrow.
30:00Are you busy tonight?
30:02I wrote down my number, my Facebook.
30:04Could you get these to Michael?
30:06I can try.
30:08Sorry about tonight.
30:10You doing anything?
30:11I have to be with my family.
30:13Our peddlers were stolen today.
30:15It has brought us many problems.
30:17OK, well, I'll see what I can do.
30:23Oops.
30:27What's going on?
30:30What's going on?
30:31Nothing. Mind your own business.
30:33Your mate's been asking where you are.
30:35What mate?
30:36Oh, no, that's right. You haven't got any.
30:38Michael.
30:39Oh, yeah.
30:40Tell him I'm coming for food, then I've got a date.
30:44Tell him yourself.
30:47MUSIC PLAYS
30:59That's the scooter deposit money they owe us for us well.
31:02Don't look at them.
31:03I'm trying not to, I'm just about to eat.
31:05Look, just leave them alone and they won't bother us.
31:07We're off home tomorrow and we'll never see them again.
31:10You trying to say that I can't stay in touch with Tiger?
31:12Over my dead body.
31:13Well, there's one offer you can't refuse.
31:15Argo, Rojo, Frito-O and South Bloody Hell.
31:19They've given us the menu written in Spanish.
31:21This place is going right downhill.
31:24MUSIC PLAYS
31:35Nosy.
31:36You found a friend at last.
31:38Yeah, I am as it goes.
31:41Look at them, staring at us.
31:44They've got absolutely no shame.
31:47Just ignore them.
31:48This is all your fault.
31:49Of course it is.
31:50I'm serious.
31:51I know you are, I'm agreeing with you.
31:53Everything's my fault.
31:54Don't be smart, Clive.
31:57Well, what do you want me to say?
31:59Just tell me and I'll say it.
32:02OK.
32:07MUSIC PLAYS
32:15Why didn't Kenneth want anyone to know he'd been taken into hospital?
32:19He just don't want everybody knowing his business.
32:21Oh, I understand that.
32:23If gossip was gold, everyone in this town would be a millionaire.
32:30Right, line up the shots, Leslie. I am back in business.
32:33What are you doing?
32:34What?
32:35Kenneth, you promised to stay in bed.
32:36Oh, I'm fine. Just leave it, Leon.
32:38No, I'm sorry if you think I'm nagging,
32:40but the doctor said you need two weeks' complete bed rest.
32:42It may have escaped your notice, but I am a grown man
32:44who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions.
32:46Kenneth, you are a grown man, and you'll do whatever you want.
32:49You usually do, but you're also my friend.
32:52You absolutely do my head in sometimes.
32:55But I love you.
32:57I love you like the brother I never had, and...
33:02I don't know what I'd do...
33:04I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you.
33:06All right, enough.
33:08Go on before you set me off.
33:11Now I'm no longer alone
33:15Come here.
33:19Straight to bed, please.
33:21I've got to get some numbers out of the salon to cancel some appointments.
33:24After that, I promise, straight to bed.
33:32You all right, son?
33:34As long as Kenneth's OK, I'll be OK.
33:36Oh, I don't know what you're worried about.
33:38By Benidorm standards, he's practically an athlete.
33:41So you see, it was simply a huge misunderstanding.
33:45I mean, actually, it's quite funny when one stops and one thinks about it.
33:50He gave us a list of local sex shops.
33:53A list? How many are there?
33:55The one in the old town looks very good.
33:58It was not my fault I looked up Amsterdam on the interweb.
34:01I think this is a case of you shooting on the messenger.
34:04I would like to stress that we are not without a sense of humor.
34:08But this was a case of mass stereotyping and blatant xenophobia.
34:13Not all people from Amsterdam are EDM cheese-eating, sex-mad drug takers.
34:19But your lips in the room were a nice touch.
34:21Shut up!
34:23You have my personal guarantee
34:26that you will all be treated with dignity and respect
34:29for the remainder of your stay.
34:31Well, you're leaving in the morning.
34:34I appreciate your words.
34:36Now, as you know, we've been trying our best
34:39to attract more customers from the Netherlands.
34:42I'm sure a star photograph with such high-profile dignitaries
34:46as yourselves would give us a helping hand.
34:49Yeah, yeah. It would be fine.
34:52And now, especially for Mr Jandy Grope, there's a name for you,
34:56and our visitors from Amsterdam, we have the Dutch national anthem.
35:00And what better time than now, Leslie?
35:06A mouse lives in a mouse-hole
35:09A mouse lives in a mouse-hole
35:12A mouse lives in a mouse-hole
35:15A mouse lives in a mouse-hole
35:19A mouse lived in a windmill in old Amsterdam
35:23Say he lived in a windmill in old Amsterdam
35:26He was a mouse and he sang every morning
35:30How lucky I am
35:32Living in a windmill in old Amsterdam
35:36I saw a mouse
35:38Where?
35:39There on the stair
35:41Where on the stair?
35:43Right there
35:44A little mouse with clogs on
35:48She's up all night to the sun
35:50I'm up all night to get sun
35:52She's up all night for good fun
35:54I'm up all night to get lucky
35:56It'll probably be just a quick hello with Pepe. I hope you don't mind.
36:01Just to meet him is a dream come true.
36:04He doesn't speak any English, but he's wise British, so it won't be awkward.
36:10Actually, she's Scottish. You might even know her.
36:14Like when Americans think if you live in the UK, you know the Queen.
36:18I do love the Queen.
36:27Donald Stewart. Oh, my God.
36:30Aggie Campbell. I don't believe it.
36:34Oh, memories. What on earth are you doing here?
36:38We're friends of Queenie, but we holiday in Benidorm every year.
36:42I'm so sorry. This is my wife, Jacqueline.
36:45Jacqueline, this is an old flame of mine, Aggie Campbell.
36:48Aggie. Nobody's called me that for 30 years.
36:52You look amazing.
36:54You look no too bad yourself.
36:57Oh, I'm sorry. This is my husband, Pepe.
37:00It's an absolute honour and a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Le Pew.
37:06I mean, Mr. Le Cruz.
37:09Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
37:11Nervous about meeting him? You've got to be joking.
37:14How long have you been married? Where did you meet?
37:16What have you been doing these past goodness knows how many years?
37:20Oh, so many questions, Donald. So little time.
37:23I'll tell you what. Why don't the five of us split from this place?
37:26We could go and have dinner somewhere.
37:28Old Pepe's tired of pop stars kissing his arse anyway.
37:32They're OK with you, Queenie?
37:34You know me, Donald. I'm easy.
37:37Van-bloody-tastic!
38:00We're closed. Come back tomorrow.
38:04Oh, who is it?
38:06Who's there?
38:14Hi, Kenneth. How's it going?
38:17What do you want?
38:23I'm Norman. The doorman. From Herbert's Club.
38:27I know who you are. What do you want?
38:29That's not very friendly.
38:32What's that?
38:34Your Uncle Herbert was dead chuffed to see you last week.
38:37But he's also a businessman.
38:39What does that mean?
38:42The fact is...
38:45..he was actually a bit pissed off
38:47that there's a hairdresser's in Benidorm that didn't belong to him.
38:50So he bought it.
38:52Herbert bought Blow and Go?
38:54But it's not for sale.
38:56Everything's for sale if you've got enough money.
39:02Anyway, that's your rent demand.
39:04Herbert always takes his first year's rent up front.
39:07A year's rent? You've got to be joking.
39:10And rates. And utilities. And insurance.
39:15Herbert thinks that without the account at board, business is business.
39:21Are you OK?
39:24I'm fine.
39:32Total amount payable. Zero.
39:35That's just Herbert's slightly dramatic way of saying he's bought the salon.
39:39For you.
39:41What? Well, it's in his name.
39:44But you can stay here rent free for as long as you like.
39:47I can't believe this.
39:49Why didn't he come and see me or just give me a ring?
39:53I know.
39:55He's a great guy, Herbert.
39:57But he can't be one camp-out bastard.
40:01I'd better get back to work.
40:05Drop on the club sometime.
40:07Your name's always on the door.
40:13Who exactly apologised?
40:15All three of them.
40:17My mam said sorry for being moody at the spa.
40:19My dad said sorry for having a go at you.
40:21My nana said sorry for being rude.
40:23It's about time.
40:24They also said if you want to go for a drink at the bar later, the first round's on them.
40:27It's all inclusive.
40:29I know. I think it was a joke.
40:34I don't know how, but I think we got away with that.
40:37Of course. Who on the earth knows what the Dutch national anthem is like anyway?
40:42Possibly the Dutch.
40:44Oh, yes.
40:46Oh, right. I'm done in. I'm having an early night.
40:50Miss Temple-Savage, are you OK?
40:53No. No, I'm not OK.
40:56You are worried about Squirrel, no?
40:59He's just so out of character for him to leave without saying goodbye.
41:03He did not say why in his letter?
41:08What letter?
41:10Oops.
41:11What are you talking about?
41:12No. No letter.
41:14Mateo, what letter?
41:16Juan de Sta. She put the letter under your door.
41:19From Squirrel.
41:21When? I've had no letter. Why didn't you say?
41:24It was yesterday, but Squirrel told her not to say anything.
41:27But there was no letter under my door.
41:31Oh, a letter.
41:49They definitely apologised.
41:51Yeah? Which one?
41:53All of them. The mam said sorry about the spa.
41:56The dad said sorry for having a go at you.
41:58And Tiger apologised for, well, letting me get a tattoo,
42:02even though it weren't his fault.
42:04I don't believe it.
42:06Oh, well, that's up to you. But they did, they apologised.
42:09And no-one had a drink with us at the bar.
42:24My darling Joyce, this is such a difficult letter to write.
42:29I'm using one of those little betting shop pens
42:32and the top of it keeps digging into my hand.
42:35But it's also difficult because I know how I've let you down.
42:40I've put your career in jeopardy and that is inexcusable.
42:45I once put my late wife Genevieve's job in danger
42:48when she worked as a rat catcher in the late 80s.
42:51Being the animal lover I am,
42:53I stayed up one night loosening all the springs on her traps.
42:57But I digress.
42:59If you feel you can forgive me
43:01and you think there is some way I can redeem myself,
43:04I'll be in the Julio Iglesias Square all day Tuesday,
43:08alone with my thoughts.
43:10If I haven't heard from you by six o'clock,
43:13I'll start making my way to Alicante Airport.
43:16I have an open return ticket.
43:18I'll be flying on the 9.30 to Gatwick
43:20with my hand on my heart and a tear in my eye.
43:25I'm not sure I've convinced you, Joyce,
43:28so please forgive me as I play my final card.
43:32Joyce, I love you.
43:35I've always loved you.
43:37And I always will love you.
43:40I just hope you feel the same way.
43:43I just hope you feel the same way.
43:46Forever yours,
43:48Squirrel.
43:58So, whereabouts you going, then?
44:00I told you, I've got a bit of business.
44:02Yeah, I know, you've said. What does that even mean?
44:05Ask no questions. I tell you no lies, mate.
44:08All right, whatever.
44:10Maybe see you and Marne in the summer?
44:12Yeah, sweet.
44:22I know what you did tonight.
44:24What did I do?
44:26You told your lot the same as you told my lot,
44:28and they both think each other apologised.
44:30So what? It works, doesn't it?
44:32Why did you do that?
44:34Because it's the right thing to do.
44:36And you always do the right thing.
44:38No, I don't, but when I do, it usually makes me feel better,
44:41especially if my family's involved.
44:44And friends.
44:53I thought you was going to sort out your bit of business.
44:56Mikey, I, um...
44:58I can't believe this, I completely forgot to tell you something.
45:01What?
45:03That girl Elena, from the beach,
45:05she was looking for you.
45:07You're joking. When?
45:09Earlier tonight.
45:11I looked for you, but you weren't around,
45:13so I said for her to meet you on the beach.
45:16Tonight, at 9.30.
45:18It's 9.30 now.
45:20And the beach is what, 90 seconds away?
45:22If I run.
45:24So run!
45:40Because I'm leaving
45:42On a jet plane
45:44Don't know when I'll be back again
45:48Oh, babe, I hate to go
45:55There's so many times I let you down
45:59So many times I played around
46:03I tell you now
46:05They didn't mean a thing
46:10Every place I go
46:12I'll think of you
46:14Every song I sing
46:16I'll sing for you
46:18When I come back
46:20I'll bring you a wedding ring
46:25So kiss me
46:27And smile for me
46:30Tell me that you'll wait for me
46:34Hold me like you'll never let me go
46:40Because I'm leaving
46:43On a jet plane
46:45Don't know when I'll be back again
46:49Leaving on a jet plane
46:53Don't know when I'll be back again
46:57Oh, babe, I hate to go
47:04No