Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S07 Е03 - Stage Fright
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00:01When did this arrive?
00:03This morning.
00:04Well, why didn't you let me know sooner?
00:05I couldn't get in touch with you. You've been out all morning.
00:07I thought you might have popped over at Levensie's.
00:09I told you before, Unc.
00:11Levensie's is for wimps.
00:13I'm out there on the yuppie tightrope, me.
00:16Nerves on red alert.
00:18I beat a block on a dream, that's me.
00:20I eat on the move, a mobile phone in one hand and a pot noodle in the other.
00:23I tried to get you on a mobile phone.
00:25Yeah, that's why Del ended up with an earful of noodles.
00:29Oh, look, the boy from the black stuff's woken up.
00:31Look.
00:32Just because I'm out of work, there's no need to rub it in.
00:34For all you know, my recent misfortunes could herald a watershed in my life, Del.
00:38I could go on to better things.
00:40Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:41You've broken up with your wife.
00:43You walked out on your lovely home.
00:45You resigned from a highly paid job.
00:47And you pulled the chain on your career.
00:49That's just the springboard you need for the future, innit, eh?
00:51Something will turn up.
00:53Yeah, I know. That's what General Custer said.
00:55Something did turn up, didn't it, eh?
00:58You should be giving Rodney some encouragement.
01:00I am.
01:02I'm worried about him, ain't I, eh?
01:04Look at that. A few months ago, there he was.
01:06Cash on the hip. Glowing future.
01:08Now what's he got, look? He's skint.
01:10The only thing about him that's glowing is his liver.
01:12What happened to that golden handshake you got from the printing firm?
01:15Yeah, you may well ask.
01:17He kissed that all up against the wall, didn't he, eh?
01:19Blew it on Cuba Libras and Larry Zooks.
01:22I do not believe this, Gibbs.
01:24He has the audacity to sit there moralising with me
01:27whilst holding a letter from the magistrate's court
01:29saying his case has been brought forward.
01:32Everyone goes to court once in their life.
01:34Once? I've given you your own parking space.
01:38Don't change the subject, Rodney.
01:40I think what Del's trying to say is for the last month or so,
01:43you've been living back at the flat.
01:45In the past, that was all right.
01:47Now Raquel's pregnant.
01:49Yeah, that's right. And look. Notice isn't all, ain't it?
01:52See that lump?
01:54That's my embryo.
02:01You see, Rodney, see what I mean?
02:03In a couple of months' time, there'll be no space in the flat.
02:05She gonna be that big, is she?
02:08No. What I mean is we're gonna need that room of yours for a nursery.
02:11So this is an ideal time for you to go out
02:13and find yourself a nice little bachelor bed.
02:15He's waiting for the council to offer him something.
02:17Oh, yeah? Well, we can have a combined party then, can't we, eh?
02:20Rodney's housewarming and my son's 21st.
02:23For your information, Derek,
02:25the council phoned this morning with an offer of accommodation.
02:27Did they really?
02:29Yeah, that's true, Del. I was there when you got the call.
02:31Well, that's terrific news. Well done, bruv.
02:33They've offered me an LDA.
02:35An LDA? Well, that can't be bad, can it?
02:37I'm viewing it this afternoon.
02:39Ha, ha, ha.
02:41Listen, if you want any furniture,
02:43Young Towser's doing a marvellous line
02:45in quality reject three-piece suites.
02:47Oh, right. Yeah, could come in handy.
02:50Del, could I ask you something?
02:52Yeah, of course you can.
02:54What's an LDA?
02:56I don't know.
02:58It's an abbreviation for something.
03:00Yeah, well, I know it's an abbreviation for something,
03:02but what?
03:04LDA. Maybe it stands for
03:06Luxury Detached Abode.
03:08Yes, it could do.
03:10I doubt it, but it could do, yeah.
03:12Listen, I'll get a sense of more drinks, all right?
03:14Yeah, not for me, mate. I've got to go home and change.
03:16I'm meeting the council motion in an hour.
03:18I'll see you later, all right?
03:20You want another hour? No.
03:22Yeah, all right.
03:24Phil! Ah!
03:26Want a drink?
03:28Er, Mike?
03:30Hang on a minute, Del.
03:32So, er, you thought of a name yet?
03:34No, it's too early for that.
03:36No, best to sort it out early.
03:38Save drowse later on.
03:40OK, Mike, could you give us a couple?
03:42Hang on a bit, mate. Hang on.
03:44So how's this going to affect your career, then?
03:46What career?
03:48I thought you was an actress and singer and all that.
03:50Yeah, well, I think in my condition I'll put my career on hold for a while.
03:52Like 15 years or so.
03:54OK, that reminds me.
03:56You know that down by the Riverside Club?
03:58Yes, I'm thinking of going down there in a minute, get a drink.
04:00Mike? Mike, when you're ready.
04:02Del, I've only got one pair of hands, mate.
04:04Yeah, I remember the night when my wife
04:06come home and she told me she was two months pregnant.
04:08I was a cocktail waiter at the time.
04:10Oh, it's a moment you'll never forget.
04:12That's right. I remember it especially
04:14because I'd just come back from three months on a cruise ship.
04:16Oh, sorry.
04:18No, it was a lovely cruise.
04:20Do you want to see the slabs?
04:22A mate of mine from the Council of Depots
04:24is singing there tonight.
04:26What?
04:28At the down by the Riverside Club.
04:30Tony Angelino.
04:32Who?
04:34Tony Angelino. That's his stage name.
04:36Oh, yeah, sounds terrific, that trick, yes.
04:38A few drinks, you know,
04:40scamp me in a basket and a singing road sweeper,
04:42push me.
04:44He's not a road sweeper, he's on the dust.
04:46Oh, well, come on, that's the difference, isn't it?
04:48Sorry.
04:50He sang there once before, about six years ago.
04:52Really? He's back by popular demand, then, is he?
04:54Yeah, he's got a terrific voice.
04:56He's going to be a big star one day.
04:58Fancy coming down here tonight?
05:00No.
05:02What are you hoping for, then, Del?
05:04Well, the same again. When you're ready,
05:06if I can get my order in.
05:08I'm talking about the baby.
05:10How do you know? It might be good.
05:12Now I know, it's going to be a boy.
05:14Don't you forget, you can hold a lovely little wedding reception up above here.
05:18Come on, let's sit down over there, sweetheart, shall we?
05:20Listen, have you told your family about it?
05:22I've written to my parents.
05:24I was thinking more about your husband.
05:26Oh.
05:30The solicitor's still trying to trace his whereabouts.
05:32We've been apart now for seven years, so divorce will be no problem.
05:34All right. Well, when that comes through,
05:36we'll get itched.
05:38Sorry?
05:40We'll tie the knot.
05:42I might not want to marry you.
05:44What?
05:46What do you mean, you might not want to marry me?
05:48Come on, don't be silly.
05:50I'm not being silly. You haven't even asked me.
05:52Well, no, I know that. Well, you're...
05:54You're in the old, you know, where I come from,
05:56action speaks louder than words.
05:58Would you keep me in the style that I've become accustomed to?
06:00Of course I would.
06:02There's no way I'm marrying you, then.
06:04Oh, come on, Raquel.
06:06Let's put this picture together.
06:08Shall we? Yeah.
06:10I can see it now.
06:12Everything's beginning to slot into place.
06:14I've got lots of little pots and pans bubbling away.
06:16In fact, I've got a meeting in half an hour
06:18with an old mate of mine.
06:20He runs one of these dinner dance clubs, you know.
06:22I think he wants to buy them 300 packets of crisps
06:24I got in the garage.
06:30He's playing our song.
06:32Badly.
06:34Now, everything's going well.
06:36I'm going to have a lovely future.
06:38This time next year, I'm going to be a millionaire.
06:40All right, then, I accept.
06:42Good girl.
06:44You know it makes sense.
06:48Maybe tomorrow
06:50we could go out and find engagement rings.
06:52No, I can't tomorrow, darling. I'm in court.
06:56To myself.
07:04Eric!
07:06How's it going, pal?
07:08It's like Marley's ghost.
07:10Del boy,
07:12you're looking prosperous.
07:14Yeah, well, can't complain.
07:16Well, I do, you know, but no one listens.
07:18I've heard good things about you, Del.
07:20Making your mark in a parish.
07:22I'm pleased for you.
07:24I like to hear about people doing well.
07:26Last time I saw you, you was really struggling.
07:28You was driving around
07:30in some shitty little three-wheel van.
07:32Yeah.
07:36Yeah, those were the days, Eric.
07:38Actually, I've still got that three-wheel van.
07:40It's like a nostalgia.
07:42I only use it just for business, you know.
07:44So what's the main motor now, Del boy?
07:46Is it some sort of sports coupe, is it?
07:48Yeah, yeah, something like that, yeah.
07:50How long ago was it since we last met?
07:52What was it? Must be, what, five, six years?
07:54That long, is it?
07:56Yeah, just after we had that little misunderstanding.
07:58I don't remember that.
08:00You do?
08:02You said I'd done you out of 500 quid.
08:04Well, you did, didn't you?
08:06No, no, no, I didn't.
08:08I've told you at the time, didn't I?
08:10It was just a misunderstanding.
08:12Yeah, well, we'd best let sleeping dogs lie,
08:14haven't we, Del?
08:16Yeah, that's it, that's it.
08:18It's all in the past, isn't it?
08:20Yeah, well, I must say,
08:22this is a very, very nice place.
08:24Yeah, doing a bit of business as well.
08:26Good. Kushti.
08:28Kushti, are you all right?
08:30Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about?
08:32I understood you left a message for me on my answer machine.
08:34I thought that was your uncle.
08:36Yeah, same thing.
08:38That's good, isn't it? I'm going to do a bit of this.
08:40We'll have a buyout payment, darling.
08:42I thought...
08:44I've got a bit of a problem, Del.
08:46What's that?
08:48Tomorrow night, the club's been booked for a birthday party.
08:50Cabaret, all the exes.
08:52I had a young singing duo booked in,
08:54but they let me down at the last minute.
08:56I phoned around all the agents,
08:58and that's what I've been offered so far.
09:04That's all right. It's all right to me.
09:06No good to me, Del. I need a singer.
09:08Someone who knows what they're doing.
09:10I heard recently you was living with some bird
09:12who used to do some nightclub singing.
09:14Raquel, yeah, yeah. She used to do some singing.
09:16Mind you, she packed that in ages ago.
09:18Would she come out of retirement for one night?
09:20No, she can't, Eric.
09:22She's three months pregnant.
09:24That's a lot of work carrying, Del.
09:26She's only got to sing four or five songs.
09:28Yeah, she was telling me about this terrible nervous tension
09:30that she suffers from before she goes on stage.
09:32I couldn't put her through that.
09:34That's a shame, Del.
09:36I've got a contract here waiting to be signed by someone.
09:38Well, I'm sorry.
09:40I'd like to have helped you, pal,
09:42but Raquel's given the business up.
09:44It's her life.
09:46I can't go interfering with her wishes now, can I?
09:48I'd have made it worth her while.
09:50600 quid for one night's work.
09:52She'll need a backing group.
09:56What do you mean you promised him?
09:58Well, what can I do, sweetheart? He's a mate in trouble.
10:00I don't care who it is, Del. I'm not doing it.
10:02Look, I gave him your word.
10:04Well, you had no right to.
10:06But it's 300 quid, Raquel.
10:08How much is it, Del?
10:10But Raquel, it's Eric.
10:12He's in dead lumber.
10:14I mean, he's gone through all the agents, hasn't he?
10:16He even showed me the list he was offered.
10:18Do you know what he was offered?
10:2018 strippers, 18 blue comedians,
10:22a specialty dog act,
10:24and Lionel Blair.
10:26So what's wrong with that?
10:28Well, nothing's wrong with that, sweetheart.
10:30It's just that Eric wants you.
10:32But she's three months pregnant.
10:34Eh? Yeah, I'm...
10:36Look, I know that, but I'm not asking her to do any belly dancing
10:38or anything like that, am I?
10:40I mean, just sing a couple of songs, that's all.
10:42Anyway, look, it doesn't notice, does it?
10:44Hey, look, look, turn around for her, sweetheart.
10:46There you are. You see? Look at that.
10:48There you are, Raquel. And that is a gift,
10:50and that should be shared with the world.
10:52Or a bunch of drunks in the starlight rooms.
10:54Del, I've never sung in a real nightclub before.
10:56Yes, you have. What about that poster you showed us
10:58when you was topping a bill with Otis Redding
11:00at Talk of the Town London?
11:02It was Laurie London at the Talk of the Town Redding.
11:08It's the same thing, innit?
11:10No! No, it is not.
11:12That was the one and only time
11:14I've ever appeared alone on stage.
11:16It was a nightmare.
11:18I forgot the words, I forgot the tune.
11:20It was just a nightmare.
11:22People actually cheered when they announced last orders.
11:24The only other time I've been on stage
11:26has been in a double act.
11:28I was with that magician, the great Raimondo,
11:30and I was in that duo, Double Cream.
11:32See, I don't mind that, because there's someone there
11:34to support you, someone there to share the blame.
11:36Oh, I'll get someone to sing along with you.
11:38It's not as simple as that.
11:40You've got to get to know each other.
11:42Rehearse. Find out whether you can harmonise,
11:44find out whether you're capable.
11:46Yeah, we'll do all that and all.
11:48When's the show?
11:50Tomorrow night.
11:52Tomorrow night? It's impossible.
11:54Oh, look, Raquel, look, I've got the contract.
11:56I've signed it. There, look, there you are.
11:58Guaranteeing I'll supply the cabaret.
12:00That is document. It's legal and binding.
12:02The Trotter International Star Agency?
12:04Yeah, that's me. I've diversified.
12:06Why did you sign a contract
12:08before you'd even spoken to me?
12:10Because I never thought that you would let me down.
12:12Me? Probably. Even like a shot.
12:14But you? Never.
12:16Still, never mind.
12:18Never mind. It's the story
12:20of my life, really, isn't it?
12:22My old man let me down when he
12:24walked out and left me to fend for meself.
12:26Then me mum died.
12:28That weren't her fault,
12:30but I felt
12:32that she'd let me down.
12:34Funny the things that go through your mind
12:36when you're 16 and
12:38you're just all alone.
12:40I think that's why I've always been straight
12:42and up front with people.
12:44Because I hate the thought of them
12:46having the feelings that I did.
12:48It says here they're paying you
12:50600 quid.
12:52You naffy git.
12:54You said 300.
12:56I know I said 300.
12:58I know I said 300.
13:00And isn't it obvious why I said that?
13:02No.
13:04I said that because...
13:06because...
13:08because...
13:10I knew
13:12that if Raquel thought
13:14she was earning £600 for the show
13:16that would make her even more nervous
13:18than she is now.
13:20So I decided to take the sting out of it,
13:22soften the edges,
13:24relieve the pressure
13:26by telling her it was only worth 300 quid.
13:32That means you'll do it for me, sweetheart.
13:34But who will I be singing with?
13:36Don't you worry about that.
13:38I won't put you wrong. You trust me.
13:40Listen, what we'll do later on, we'll go through all my LPs
13:42and make a list of classic hits for you to sing.
13:44But these songs, I've got to have a musical arrangement.
13:46We'll need a pianist.
13:48Well, that's no problem, is it?
13:50Albert?
13:52Yes, Dale?
13:54Go and fetch the yellow pages.
13:56We'll find a musician.
13:58All right?
14:00I'll think about it, Dale.
14:02Kushti.
14:04No problem, sweetheart. No problem.
14:06But in the meantime, why don't you have a little practice
14:08with your voice, you know, get it back in trim.
14:10Just in case, just in case, eh?
14:12Yeah, all right, just in case.
14:14Good girl.
14:16I've got to make some coffee. Anyone else?
14:18You'll have one, dear.
14:20Yeah, I'll have one, sweetheart, thank you.
14:24She's going to knock them bandy, Albert.
14:26Do you know the way to San Jose?
14:30I've been away so long
14:32I may go wrong and lose my way
14:34She's got a voice like an angel, hasn't she?
14:36Eh?
14:38Raquel? Sing up, darling.
14:40Come on, don't be shy.
14:42San Jose
14:44L.A. is a great big freeway
14:46Lovely jubbly
14:50Ah, Rodney, Raquel's singing in the starlight rooms.
14:52Yeah?
14:54Her voice done half travelled, hasn't it?
14:56No, no, no.
15:00I mean, she's in the...
15:02Forget it. What's up with you?
15:04I have just been to view the council's offer of accommodation.
15:06And you was right, Dale.
15:08L.D.A. does not stand for luxury detached abodes.
15:10Oh, well, I had a feeling.
15:12L.D.A. stands for
15:14low demand accommodation.
15:16What's that, then?
15:18It's a place where nobody else wants to live.
15:20What are they like?
15:22They're like this.
15:24You saucy git.
15:26This place...
15:28I'll have you know that we...
15:30Yeah.
15:32Raquel, turn the noise down, will you?
15:36We can't hear ourselves finger here.
15:38Go on.
15:40You should have seen this place they offered me.
15:42It looked like a timeshare apartment on Albert Square.
15:44Did you take it?
15:46Of course I didn't.
15:48Well, you've got to find a place of your own soon, Rodney.
15:50A few months from now, she'll be dropping her kid in.
15:52At the moment, the council's me only hope.
15:54I'm out of work, I've got no money coming in.
15:56You know, what am I supposed to do?
15:58I don't wish to sound brutal, Rodney,
16:00but why don't you get another job?
16:08It's not that funny, Albert.
16:10With my history,
16:12the only chance I've got of getting future employment
16:14is to go out and get me own window cleaning round.
16:16I'm sorry, I don't understand.
16:18You left your previous employment of your own accord.
16:20You weren't sacked, you resigned.
16:22So where's the problem?
16:24It's not as easy as that, Raquel.
16:26Is it, Derek?
16:28No, you see, Raquel,
16:30the only real job that Rodney's had since he left school
16:32was that job he had with Cassandra's dad,
16:34you know, the one he resigned from.
16:36But I thought prior to that
16:38he was a partner in Trotter's Independent Traders.
16:42Yes, he was.
16:44And very sorely missed he was when he left.
16:46But you see, Trotter's Independent Traders
16:48was never what you'd call pucker business, you see.
16:50We never actually registered with Company House.
16:52You know, sort of keep down the old paperwork and that.
16:54Yeah, and income tax and VAT.
16:56Yes, you see, so
16:58since he was 16
17:00when Rodney left school,
17:02the only job he ever had was when he was 26.
17:04So the only time he's turned up on the government's computers
17:06is when he got that suspended sentence
17:08for the possession of cannabis.
17:10And you don't fancy window cleaning?
17:12No, don't like heights.
17:14Couldn't you specialise in bungalows?
17:18Why don't you shut up, Albert?
17:20Well, Alan's bound to give Rodney a glowing reference.
17:24I know that.
17:26We know that, sweetheart.
17:28But where's Rodney gonna say he's been
17:30for the last ten years?
17:32In the toilet?
17:34No.
17:36It's a great pity, you know, Rodney,
17:38you can't get a job
17:40doing something that you like.
17:42Like, you know,
17:44that sort of music.
17:46Because you're interested in music, aren't you?
17:48Yeah.
17:50Yeah.
17:52Even if it's only sort of, you know,
17:54just a part-time job.
17:56Yeah, that'd do.
17:58I don't know, what, like,
18:00you know, something like a road manager
18:02or something.
18:04Yeah, where am I gonna get something like that?
18:06You never know your luck, Rodney,
18:08you never know your luck.
18:16Oh, my God.
18:18Oh, my God.
18:44Give him a hug!
18:48Give him a hug!
18:52When you fell for someone out there,
18:54my pain,
18:56my pain,
18:58my pain.
19:00He's bloody good, isn't he?
19:04Good?
19:06Well, he's bloody awful.
19:08Oh, you don't know what you're talking about,
19:10Ralph.
19:12Look at all these old dears, look.
19:14They'll be throwing their corsets on the stage
19:16in a minute, in a minute.
19:46I love him, look.
19:48Look, I love him.
19:50Hey!
19:52Ralph, I need someone.
19:54Wow.
19:56Hey, hey.
19:58It's a non-alcoholic lager top, will you?
20:00And a special for me.
20:02Listen, if I can just get
20:04Raquel and Tony together,
20:06I'll be on a white winner.
20:08Dale, she's pregnant.
20:10Oh, my God.
20:12Oh, my God.
20:14I'll be a white winner.
20:16Dale, she's pregnant.
20:18Only just a little bit.
20:20You're just exploiting her, aren't you?
20:22No, au contraire, Rodney, au contraire.
20:24She's going to be earning
20:26out of this and earning well.
20:28And don't forget, we've all got to
20:30earn a bit, you know, bring a little bit of money
20:32into the flat.
20:34I reckon it's all wrong.
20:36Well, it's nothing to do with you, is it, Rodney, eh?
20:38You are just my road manager
20:40and part-time at that.
20:42I haven't accused you, have I, eh?
20:44You just drive them to rehearsals,
20:46make sure they get tea and sandwiches,
20:48and then sweep up afterwards.
20:50And am I allowed to voice an opinion
20:52on repertoire, presentation,
20:54arrangement, interpretation?
20:56No.
21:00Well, I will do exactly what you say
21:02and no bloody more.
21:04That is the last word you will hear from me on the subject.
21:06Good.
21:12It's all about fashions.
21:14Who's going to pay money to watch this?
21:16Well, they have for a start.
21:20Rodney, you think popular music
21:22is all about the top ten, don't you?
21:24Well, it's not, you know.
21:26Because 80% of the people in this country,
21:28you know, they listen to what is known as
21:30middle-of-the-road music.
21:32That means they listen to guff like this.
21:34And you take that Roger Whittaker
21:36and that, um,
21:38John Denver.
21:40They never appear on Top of the Pops,
21:42do they, eh? But they sell millions and millions
21:44of records. And that is bunts, Rodney.
21:46That is serious bunts.
21:48This is my chance to get where the action is.
21:56Yes. I can see it now.
22:00Raquel and Tony.
22:02They could be the new...
22:04the new carpenters.
22:06Or plumbers.
22:08Or brickies.
22:10Summer and Cher.
22:12Jazz and Dave.
22:14Rennie and Renato.
22:16Mills and Boone.
22:18Yeah.
22:20Yeah.
22:22There's a concert. Where's that concert?
22:26I don't know if it's all legal,
22:28because I haven't been trained in that sort of thing.
22:30Well, that's all right, Rodney.
22:32You've got two GCEs.
22:34Yeah.
22:36Look at that.
22:42Come on, Rodney.
22:44This way.
23:04Come on.
23:10Thanks so much.
23:12You've got a wonderful audience.
23:14Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Angelino.
23:28He'll never sign a contract.
23:30He'll sign it, Rodney.
23:32Don't you worry. He'll sign it.
23:34Hey, it's Tony. Tony. There you are.
23:36Just a wonderful performance.
23:38Really was wonderful. Thanks.
23:40Excuse me. Would you mind? Would you please?
23:44Thanks very much.
23:48Easier than you thought,
23:50wasn't it, Rodney, eh?
23:52I don't believe you did that.
23:54He who dares, Rodney. He who dares, eh?
23:56Right. Come on.
23:58Ah, Tony. There you are.
24:00Tony, listen. Excuse me, girl.
24:02I've got a bit of business to discuss with you, son.
24:04Yeah?
24:06I've got some bookings for you, if you're interested.
24:08Yeah? Come in here. We can talk about it while I'm getting changed.
24:10Sorry. Excuse me, darling.
24:14In a minute, honey. I'll be out in a minute.
24:18Chicks.
24:20What is it? A hen party?
24:22No, it's a local WI.
24:24Still, got to keep them happy.
24:26You know what I mean.
24:30Well, my name is Derek Trotter
24:32of the Derek Trotter International Stars Agency, Peckham.
24:34You can call me Del.
24:42This is my roadie, Rodney.
24:44What's it all about then, Del?
24:46Well, um...
24:48You see, I'm putting together a middle-of-the-road duo.
24:50You and a very talented young singer
24:52by the name of Raquel Turner.
24:54Now, I've already got a confirmed booking
24:56at the Starlight Rooms
24:58as an option on a long-term...
25:02Long-term contract,
25:04if you're good enough.
25:08You're kidding me.
25:10A Starlight, eh?
25:12I don't get many bookings.
25:18Really?
25:20Have you got a manager, Tony?
25:22Er, no.
25:24Well, you have now, son. Me.
25:28Oh.
25:42I can't understand
25:44how someone with all your talent
25:46hasn't been snapped up already, can you, Rodney?
25:48There you are, you see.
25:50He's as mystified as I am.
25:52So has no-one told you anything about me yet?
25:54No, why? Is there something I should know?
25:56No, no.
25:58Er, when is this booking due?
26:00Tomorrow night. That's all right.
26:02I know that you and Raquel have got
26:04an awful lot of work to do. Rehearsing
26:06and getting your repertoire together
26:08and what have you, but I've got faith
26:10in you. Cos you're a pro and so is
26:12she.
26:14And I'm offering you £100 for tomorrow night.
26:16Oh.
26:18The most I've ever been paid
26:20is 50 quid.
26:22Oh.
26:24Well, you're in a big time now, aren't you?
26:26Yes, well, you'll be rehearsing
26:28first thing tomorrow morning.
26:30I've booked a room at the
26:32Jesse Jackson Memorial Hall
26:34and I'm going to give Rodney, your road manager,
26:36a list of the classic hits I want you to rehearse.
26:38Er, no, no.
26:40There's only a few songs I can sing, Dale.
26:42Well, you see, that's why you don't get any bookings.
26:44No, it's not that. It's because I...
26:46Because of what?
26:48Oh, nothing.
26:50I know what your problem is, son.
26:52You can't accept a challenge.
26:54That's what it is. But you've got me behind you now.
26:56All you've got to do is trust me
26:58and I'll be straight down the line with you.
27:00You know, no secrets, no small print.
27:02All you've got to do is trust me, Tony.
27:04You do trust me, Tony, don't you?
27:06Yeah, OK, Dale.
27:08Good boy. You know it makes sense.
27:10So, um,
27:12will you be at the hall in the morning?
27:14No, he's in court tomorrow.
27:16Yes, yes, I am. I'm there as a witness
27:18for something.
27:20Oh, right. Do you want me to sign that?
27:22No, it's all right, son. You've already signed it.
27:24Look.
27:26Lovely jubbly.
27:32I can't believe that was the same bloke.
27:34Well, I mean,
27:36they're all just costume props, aren't they?
27:38They all wear them. I mean, you don't think
27:40that Mr Spock's ears are his own, do you?
27:42No. Come,
27:44we'll go and tell Raquel.
27:46Raquel, sweetheart. Hello, darling.
27:48I found him. I found your singing partner.
27:50God.
27:52Yeah, he's terrific, isn't he, Rodney, eh?
27:54Yeah.
27:56You've got to see him to believe him, haven't you, Rodney, eh?
27:58Yeah.
28:02He's terrific. He's absolutely terrific.
28:04He's got this great voice, you know,
28:06and he's got wonderful stage presence.
28:08He's got oodles and oodles of charisma.
28:10This boy's going to be a star, I tell you. Not just local.
28:12I mean, he's going to be international.
28:14He works for Trigger down at Council, Department.
28:16Is that true?
28:18Well, he...
28:20Sean Connery. He worked on The Dust.
28:22And is he like Sean Connery?
28:24Well, he wears a wig.
28:26Listen, I'll tell you what. Let me get you another
28:28lot of drinks, eh? Shall we? Rodney, you give me a hand.
28:30Come on, you.
28:32Oh, boy.
28:34Oh, hello, Boise. I hear you're in court tomorrow.
28:36Yeah.
28:38Don't do a lot for
28:40your yuppie image.
28:42I don't know. It's very trendy nowadays, isn't it, eh?
28:44All the big bang boys have done a bit of stuff.
28:46Yeah. Very fashionable in the city.
28:48Computer fraud, insider dealing, stock manipulation.
28:50What are you up for, Dale?
28:52Fly-pitching.
28:54Fifty quid fine and a slap on the wrist.
28:56You know, it's an occupational hazard when you're upwardly mobile.
28:58I hear Raquel's up the spout.
29:00Yes. Thank you very much,
29:02Boise. Thank you. Mike, can we have a round
29:04of drinks, please? And whatever poison he wants.
29:06Crystal, give us a round here, will you, love?
29:08Of course, it ain't easy being a father.
29:10No, it must have been difficult for you,
29:12what with all them test tubes and what have you.
29:14Yes, I'm not talking about that, Derek.
29:16I mean,
29:18looking after your child's welfare,
29:20planning for his future. Have you thought about all that?
29:22Oh, don't you worry about my kid, Boise. He'll be all right.
29:24Then there's the pregnancy itself, Dale.
29:26That can be hell. That can be nine months of pure hell.
29:28Yeah. Knowing your missus, Mike,
29:30I can believe it.
29:32Of course, I was lucky.
29:34Marlene gave birth after only eight months.
29:36Well, they say it's quick about you,
29:38don't they?
29:44Yeah.
29:46Anyway, we've just come back from the Riverside Club.
29:48We saw Trigger's mate there singing.
29:50He's terrific, isn't he, Rodney? Yeah.
29:52Perhaps Trigger could recommend him
29:54to Eric.
29:56Eric? What do you mean, Eric? In the starlight rooms, you mean?
29:58Yeah, the one who don't like you.
30:00Something about 500 quid.
30:02No, that's all in the past, that is.
30:04Yes, but that man holds a grudge.
30:06Anyway, he's got 24 hours
30:08to fill a cabaret spot for tomorrow night.
30:10He'll never do it. I mean, the word's out now, isn't it?
30:12Well, he's got to do something.
30:14I've heard Eugene McCarthy's very much
30:16looking forward to it.
30:18Who's Eugene McCarthy? He's a local villain
30:20and not a very nice man.
30:22Rumour has it the SAS pays
30:24Eugene protection money.
30:26What the hell has Eugene got to do with all this?
30:28Well, didn't you hear? What?
30:30Eugene owns the starlight rooms.
30:32No, no, no, no. It's Eric.
30:34Eric owns the starlight rooms, doesn't he?
30:36No, Eugene bought him out three months ago.
30:38Yes, there was no boardroom negotiations,
30:40no offer or counter-offer.
30:42Eugene gave Eric two choices,
30:44take it or I'll nail you to the door.
30:46And Eric, realising he was dealing
30:48with a man who puts out death sentences
30:50on Muslims,
30:52took it.
30:54Anyway, tomorrow night is Eugene's mum's
30:5682nd birthday, so he's having a party
30:58down at the starlight rooms for her
31:00and all the Nazis.
31:02No, Mike. No, listen. It's Eric.
31:04Eric's down there at the starlight rooms, isn't he?
31:06Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eric is only the manager now,
31:08though, Bill.
31:10And part of Eric's managerial duties is booking a cabaret.
31:12But every time he books a cabaret
31:14Eugene doesn't like, he promptly gets nailed to the nearest door.
31:16But he came up
31:18with a brilliant solution.
31:20He started employing the services
31:22of the local entertainment agents.
31:24So, if Eugene gets displeased,
31:26he takes his wrath out on the agents.
31:28Anyway, the agents all held a
31:30meeting at the local convalescence home
31:32and decided to boycott the starlight rooms.
31:34So, unless Eric
31:36finds a mug to supply the cabaret
31:38for Eugene's mum's party,
31:40B&Q will be selling another door.
31:52We're in a bit of bother here, bruv.
31:54We? Yes.
31:56You see, we've signed a contract
31:58guaranteeing the cabaret.
32:00I have signed nothing.
32:02I sweep up and I make the tea.
32:04Yeah, no, I've been thinking about that.
32:06And I think you ought to have a more creative input
32:08on this little project.
32:10Yeah, well, I've been thinking and all, and I don't want a more creative input.
32:12You just give me the broom, the teapot
32:14and the fifty quid and I'm happy.
32:16Thank you very much, Rodney.
32:18It's my pleasure, Derek.
32:22Come in.
32:24Alright. Is Del here yet?
32:26I phoned the flat. There's no reply.
32:28Maybe he's still in court.
32:30But it's nine o'clock.
32:32Well, maybe the jury's still out.
32:34Stupid Rodney. He's only been charged with unlicensed trading.
32:36Well, he ain't here yet.
32:38I can't go through with this.
32:40Why not?
32:42What do you mean, why not? You were at rehearsals this morning.
32:44You know what happened.
32:46Tony's got a problem.
32:48They might not notice.
32:50How can they not notice?
32:52Raquel, you've got to go through with this, for Del's sake.
32:54Eugene McCarthy has sat out there with his mum.
32:56It was Eugene McCarthy.
32:58He is not nice people.
33:00Well, you go and tell Eugene McCarthy and his mum
33:02that the cabaret's off.
33:04No, I'm just...
33:06Sweep up and make the tea. That was my instruction.
33:08Do you fancy a cup of tea?
33:10No, I don't.
33:12Do you want anything swept up?
33:14No.
33:16Well, it's me finishing.
33:24Gordon Bennett.
33:26What a bloody hell have you been?
33:28Where have I been?
33:30They put my case on last, didn't they?
33:32Then it was a 65 quid fine.
33:34I realised then, of course, I'd left me wallet at home at night.
33:36So I phoned up Sinbad.
33:38What does he do?
33:40He only gets on the bleeding bus.
33:42There I am, banged up in the cells.
33:44And Sinbad there, he's trying to fight his way
33:46through the Friday afternoon traffic in a bloody bus.
33:48Yes, Del, so by the time I get back there,
33:50Del, will you shut up for one minute?
33:52Del, will you shut up for one minute?
33:54We have got problems.
33:56Really? Problems? What sort of problems?
33:58Del boy.
34:00Oh, hello, Eugene.
34:02Very, very nice to see you.
34:04Eric informs me you're supplying tonight's cabaret.
34:06Hope it's good, Del.
34:08It's my old mum's birthday.
34:10I don't want to see her disappointed.
34:12You are. Of course not, Eugene.
34:14It's going to be the best, nothing but the very best.
34:16I mean, would I do anything less
34:18for your dear mother?
34:20Oh, sorry, let me introduce my brother.
34:22No, I'm just the road manager.
34:24I just sweep up and make the tea and I don't have nothing
34:26to do with it.
34:28Well, here's to a good evening.
34:30Yes. Thank you, Eugene. Enjoy yourself.
34:32You sit back and enjoy, eh?
34:34Right, attention, please.
34:36Quiet, please. Quiet, please.
34:38Welcome to the cabaret house.
34:40Lovely.
34:42And before I introduce our star guest this evening,
34:44I'd just like to say happy birthday
34:46to Mrs McCarthy there, Eugene's mum.
34:48Happy birthday, Del.
34:50Happy birthday to you.
34:52Happy birthday to you.
34:54Happy birthday to you.
34:56Happy birthday.
34:58Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present
35:00this evening two young British stars
35:02whose names may not be familiar to you.
35:04However, if you was a resident
35:06in a certain town in Nevada, USA,
35:08their names would be on the tips of your tongues.
35:12Because they have just finished a sell-out season
35:14with Barry Manilow.
35:16Del,
35:18at the Desert Inn Las Vegas.
35:20How about that, eh?
35:24Where do you get all that crap from?
35:28What a stupid question.
35:30They have chosen
35:32the Starlight Rooms in Peckham.
35:34How about that?
35:36Eh?
35:38Lovely.
35:40So, ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome, please,
35:42for Rachel and
35:44Tommy!
35:58I was alive
36:00for a while
36:02I could
36:04smile for a while
36:06But when
36:08I saw you last night
36:10You held my hand so tight
36:12As you stopped
36:14to say hello
36:16I know you wished me
36:18well
36:20You couldn't tell
36:22that I'd been
36:24falling
36:26over you
36:28Falling
36:30over you
36:32When you
36:34said so long
36:36I was
36:38coming
36:40alone
36:42And crying
36:44Crying
36:46Crying
36:48Crying
36:50It's bloody good
36:52It's bloody good
36:54It's bloody good
36:56The touch of your
36:58hand
37:00Can start me crying
37:04I thought that I
37:06was over you
37:08But tell me now
37:10What can I do?
37:12What can I do
37:14even more
37:16than I do you?
37:18But darling,
37:20what can I do?
37:22If you don't
37:24love me
37:26Then I'll
37:28always be
37:32Away
37:34Away
37:36Away
37:38Away
37:40Is that
37:42I know
37:44And from
37:46now on
37:48I'll be
37:50Crying
37:52Crying
37:54Crying
37:56Crying
37:58Crying
38:00Crying
38:02Crying
38:04Crying
38:06Crying
38:08Over
38:10Over
38:12You
38:14You
38:16You
38:18You
38:20You
38:22You
38:24You
38:26You
38:28You
38:30You
38:32I'll see you later.
38:46So how comes you didn't know he had trouble with his R's?
38:50Cos he never told me.
38:52All he said was that he enjoyed singing certain songs.
38:55Cos see what he meant now?
38:56He only sings songs without R's in them.
39:00So he chose the songs for a night.
39:02I didn't know, did I, eh?
39:05God knows what Eugene's mum's gonna say.
39:08I never did like that front door anyway.
39:14You bastard.
39:15You just walked out and left us.
39:18What else could I do?
39:19I couldn't very well go up to Eugene's table and say,
39:21Ha ha, that was all right, different, wasn't it, eh?
39:23Did you finish the performance?
39:25Oh yes, Derek.
39:26We saw it through to the death.
39:28Please release me.
39:32Congratulations.
39:35And the green, green glass of honey.
39:40And that was followed by a medley of wock and wolf.
39:51That is not funny, Wodney.
39:52Wodney.
39:53Oh, I think it's hilarious.
39:55I haven't laughed so much since he got his beard in the food mix.
40:00If that's Eugene, tell him I've gone to get the hammer and nails.
40:05Who's there?
40:06Can I speak to Mr Potter?
40:10Tony, let him in.
40:15I've come for me money.
40:17It's all right, all right.
40:18Not now, son, right?
40:19I'm up to me eyes in it.
40:20Come back tomorrow.
40:21No, not tomorrow.
40:23I want me money now.
40:24I did the performance, didn't I?
40:26I did the repertoire that you, you insisted on.
40:29Yeah, but I didn't know you couldn't pronounce your R's, did I?
40:32What does that matter?
40:33It matters quite a lot when you're singing songs with R's in.
40:35But I don't sing songs with R's in.
40:39And if a song has got an R in it, I change the lyrics.
40:42Then why didn't you change the lyrics tonight?
40:44How can I change the lyrics to crying?
40:47This bloody song's called crying.
40:52Tony and I did everything you asked us to do, Del,
40:54so pay the man his money, and while we're at it,
40:55you owe me money as well.
40:56It's all right, sweetheart.
40:57We'll talk about that tomorrow, eh?
40:59Listen, Trotter, you're not cheating me.
41:02Crude a tail of plait.
41:06I mean, it's all right for me to be cheated, though, ain't it, eh?
41:08And who's cheated you?
41:11Him. Him, he cheated me. He did.
41:13Do you know what he did?
41:14He charged me £1.40 for bus fares, he did.
41:17And it was only when I was putting me dickie bow on
41:19that I realised he got a bus pass.
41:23And anyway, I don't suppose the Starlight Room's
41:24going to pay me anything after tonight's disaster.
41:28I'm going to be well out of pocket, me.
41:29We signed a contract.
41:31Oh, yes, I know, I know.
41:33But my brother drew up that contract,
41:36and he put in a get-out clause.
41:38Did you, Rodney?
41:39No.
41:41And why didn't you?
41:43Because you didn't tell me to.
41:45And I ain't a lawyer.
41:46I sweep up and make the tea, you remember?
41:48And you owe me 50 quids.
41:50Yep.
41:52Oh, all right, all right.
41:54It's too brutal.
41:57There you are.
41:58And yours.
42:01We'll talk about this tomorrow.
42:02All right, anything you say, Rodney, all right.
42:05You know what you've got, don't you?
42:06What? Do it.
42:07What?
42:08An ism.
42:09Ism?
42:10An ism? I ain't got an ism, have I, Rodney?
42:12Well, there's a lot of crap in a garage.
42:15You're not alone in your prejudice.
42:17We've got sexism, racism, hiatism and ageism.
42:23And I, I'm a victim of pronunciationism.
42:28I've got a good voice.
42:29I've got good style.
42:31I've got perfect tone.
42:33But just because I've pronounced my r's differently
42:36from the rest of you, I can never be a star.
42:41And just because of my pronunciation, you've dumped me.
42:44But what about me, eh?
42:45I've got lumbered with a star whose props come from
42:48Lillian Skinner's crown toppers and Mattisons.
42:53You can always find another singer.
42:56I'm stuck with my problem.
42:58No-one who pronounces r's like I do have ever become successful.
43:02It's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.
43:04Exactly.
43:08Oh, it doesn't matter.
43:14See you, Del.
43:15Yeah.
43:16Well, there you go, son.
43:18Whack hell.
43:20Bye, Tony.
43:22Goodnight.
43:23See you, Tony.
43:35Well, don't you two look at me like that.
43:37I didn't invent pronunciationism.
43:39It's them out there, the public.
43:42If I had my way, I think everyone should be allowed to say
43:44what they like and how they want to say.
43:46It's a free country.
43:47Del's right.
43:48Ain't his fault.
43:50Thank you, Unc.
43:50Help yourself to a brandy.
43:57Hello, Trotters Independent Trade.
44:00Oh, hello, Eugene.
44:04Oh, yeah, you discovered that then, did you?
44:07Funny enough, I was just having a word about that with my road manager here.
44:12You what?
44:14Oh, did she?
44:16Can't say that I blame her.
44:20How's she now?
44:22Oh, good.
44:25You what?
44:27Yeah.
44:28It's all right then, Eugene.
44:30I'll be round first thing in the morning.
44:33Yeah.
44:35Bonjour.
44:38Do you want to hide a pair of pliers in your pocket?
44:43No, he wants to sign you and Tony up for a five-week contract.
44:48His mum liked you.
44:50You're kidding!
44:51No, straight up.
44:52She reckoned it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen in her life.
44:57Tony!
44:58Tony!
44:59Where's he gone?
45:00Tony!
45:01Hey!
45:02Just a minute, I've got some more bookings for you.
45:05Stick with me, son.
45:06I'll make you rich.