The One - BL movie

  • last month
Transcript
00:00Subtitling by SUBS Hamburg
00:30This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:32Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:34This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:36Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:38This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:40Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:42This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:44Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:46This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:48Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:50This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:52Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:54This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:56Hope you relax
01:02Time to-
01:04TIME TO-
01:06TR-
01:08TR-EAT
01:10Time to-
01:12TIME TO-
01:14TR-EAT
01:16Like a gecko from the ghetto, we ain't here to win the meadow
01:19Hit the bottle though, then we move to the echo
01:22Take you round the city pulling strings, cioppetto
01:24Now you're sipping amaretto in the back room like a statue
01:28Take a move, then you're in the back room
01:29Hey, uh, Steffi, what time is it?
01:31Hello, Stu. It is 6.04 p.m.
01:34Shit.
01:42I'm so tired of truffles.
01:45Me too.
01:46I hear they have great food vehicles below the line,
01:48but I'm simply too scared to go down there.
01:52You must eat here. Three stars.
01:54Reminder, as a resident of Above the Line,
01:57you must eat here by end of month.
02:01Okay, we've got the Belgian long-grain wheat quintuple IPA.
02:05Don't mind if I do.
02:09Creamy nose feel.
02:10Nice.
02:10And a pumpkin saffron super double triple IPA.
02:14Boom.
02:14And who is the lager in a bottle for?
02:17Oh, yeah, that's my buddy. Sorry, he's always late.
02:19I had to dig way back in the cooler for this.
02:20Didn't even know we had them anymore.
02:22Can I get you handsome gentlemen anything else?
02:24Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
02:26Hey, we're both happily married.
02:27Easy now.
02:29That's great.
02:30Duis.
02:31Stam.
02:32What up, bro?
02:33What up?
02:34Hey.
02:37How's that?
02:38Stu, Pobby. Pobby, Stu.
02:40Nice to meet you, bro.
02:41Good to meet you, bro.
02:42Sorry I'm late.
02:43You know what? I hear you're always late.
02:45Hey.
02:46Guilty.
02:48Oh, jeez. You had it.
02:51How do you drink that stuff?
02:53Love this stuff. Just grew up on it, you know?
02:55Lager.
02:56That's rough.
02:57Hey, so Stu, any dates this week, man?
02:58No, none this week.
03:00Actually, I haven't had one since last month.
03:02Dates?
03:03You weren't assigned at birth. Why?
03:05Oh, Stu grew up below the line.
03:07Oh, shit. Yeah.
03:08If nobody below the line gets assigned, you have to date, so...
03:11But then my mom invented an app that removes apps from your brain.
03:14The Unappetizer.
03:15Yeah, so she made a whole bunch of money, we moved above the line,
03:17but I was already 18 by then, so I still gotta date.
03:19Dude, I love the Unappetizer.
03:20Everybody does.
03:21Hold on.
03:24Steffi?
03:25Hello, Pobby.
03:26What can I do for you?
03:27Watch Unappetizer.
03:30Unappetizer recommends deleting Meet Me, Sex Me,
03:33as you are now married.
03:34It also recommends deleting Where See Movie At,
03:37as all movies are available on me.
03:39It recommends deleting Get Buff Quick,
03:41as you have clearly given up.
03:42Ooh.
03:44Man, this is crazy.
03:45You know, the dating world,
03:46I feel like I just did my assigned hook-ups after college,
03:49and then did a little Meet Me, Sex Me,
03:50and then I married Nachel, and...
03:53It's good.
03:54It is good.
03:54Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, the dating world is brutal.
03:58I don't know.
03:58I'm starting to think I might just be single forever.
04:00Sorry to interrupt, but I was eavesdropping.
04:03Have you tried The One That's The One?
04:05Uh, no.
04:07No. What is The One That's The One?
04:09A dating site.
04:10It's called The One That's The One
04:11because it promises 100% guaranteed
04:13to send you the one that's the one,
04:15the perfect person for you.
04:17Oh.
04:18That's how I met my wife,
04:20Macuela.
04:21How do you spell that?
04:21M-Q-amper-sand-la.
04:26Old-school spelling.
04:27Nice.
04:28You haven't seen the commercial?
04:29No.
04:30Here.
04:32Do you work for the company?
04:34I'm still waiting to hear back.
04:36Oh.
04:38Grew up below the line?
04:39Sick of your mandated mate?
04:41Looking for someone, but coming up with none?
04:43Just plain tired of the dating scene?
04:45Well, try The One That's The One.
04:48At Najari Labs, we use a combination
04:50of specific questions combined with DNA testing
04:53to assure that you get your perfect match.
04:55Our city's prized scientist, Dr. Najari,
04:57has developed an algorithm
04:59that promises to send you not just anyone,
05:01but the one that's the one.
05:02It even works for me?
05:05Get out of here, you daddy-old lovebirds!
05:08Come on down to Najari Labs today
05:10and find your The One That's The One.
05:25Get out of here.
05:26I'm dancing.
05:34Huh.
05:36Stu.
05:37Yes.
05:38Stu Maxim.
05:39Oh, hey, it's you.
05:40From the commercial.
05:42I have no idea what you're talking about.
05:45Follow me.
05:50I can't believe I'm doing this.
05:52At first I thought, no way.
05:53You know, no way am I gonna do that.
05:55I mean, I don't know.
05:56Isn't that like, I don't know,
05:57me doing one that's the one?
05:59Isn't that like someone from above the line being signed?
06:01Yeah, it is.
06:02And then I thought, well, I'm above the line now.
06:03Maybe I should do it.
06:04Also, I was just sort of depressed.
06:06My mom's been really hard on me to find somebody.
06:08Not crazy, though.
06:09She's really sweet.
06:10I can tell you're nervous.
06:11Just relax.
06:12I assure you'll be satisfied with our service.
06:14Yeah.
06:15Okay, so as the machine extracts and scans your DNA,
06:18I'm gonna ask you a few questions.
06:19Sure.
06:20The results of these two tests
06:21will give us the information we need
06:22to find your one that's the one.
06:24Great.
06:25All that matters is that you answer honestly.
06:26Sure.
06:27Okay.
06:28What is your favorite number?
06:30Three.
06:31No, eight.
06:32Okay, the questions can be a little awkward.
06:35Just answer honestly.
06:36Okay.
06:37What is your favorite number?
06:38Four.
06:39Good.
06:40What is your favorite food?
06:41Pepperoni pizza.
06:42Me, too.
06:43Okay, next question.
06:44You're in the desert walking in the sand
06:46when all of a sudden you look down
06:47and you see a tortoise crawling towards you.
06:49You reach down and flip it over on its back.
06:51Oh.
06:52The tortoise lays there on its back,
06:53its belly baking in the sun,
06:55its legs flailing.
06:56It can't turn itself over without your help,
06:58but you're not helping.
07:00Why is that?
07:01Oh, I don't know.
07:03I feel like I'd probably help.
07:06Huh.
07:08Is it...
07:09You meet someone that reminds you of someone
07:11you just saw in a commercial.
07:13He denies being that person.
07:15What do you do?
07:20And sign here.
07:21Okay.
07:25Great.
07:26And that's 82 credits.
07:27Okay.
07:31Okay.
07:32Congratulations.
07:33Dr. Najari will enter all your information
07:36into the algorithm,
07:37and your one that's the one
07:38will arrive at your home tonight,
07:40exactly at midnight.
07:41Oh, midnight.
07:42Okay.
07:43For dramatic effect.
07:44All right.
07:47And find your one that's the one.
07:54I'll see you.
07:55Good night.
08:01Good night.
08:16Hi, Stu.
08:18Hi, Stu.
08:31Good night.
08:54You have a visitor.
08:55I'm coming.
08:59Hi.
09:01Hi.
09:02Can I help you?
09:03Um...
09:04I'm Bert.
09:07Um...
09:09I'm your one that's the one.
09:13Are you...
09:14Oh, don't come in.
09:15Um, no.
09:16Uh, sorry.
09:17That's...
09:18That's just...
09:19That's ridiculous.
09:20You can't be my one that's the one.
09:21No, of course not.
09:22I mean...
09:24And I apologize for asking you this.
09:27Are you a homosexual?
09:28No.
09:29Well, neither am I.
09:30Right.
09:31See, okay.
09:32So clearly there's been some kind of mix-up.
09:33Yeah.
09:34I mean, I guess so.
09:35I mean, I want my money back.
09:36I mean, no offense.
09:37Hey, none taken.
09:40Man.
09:42Oh, don't take it so hard, buddy.
09:44No, it's just...
09:46I don't know.
09:47Sometimes I start feeling like I'll never find anybody.
09:49Just, uh...
09:50It sucks.
09:51It sucks to be born below the line.
09:52Where?
09:53What neighborhood?
09:54Tallybeck Heights.
09:55It's right by Oosker and Beenawood.
09:56I used to sell cars down there before I got transferred.
09:58No way.
09:59I'm happy for that.
10:00Tell me about it.
10:01Huh?
10:04Well, it was nice meeting you all the same.
10:06Bert Chund.
10:07Hey, yeah, you too.
10:08Stu Maxim.
10:09You know, honestly, I'm just...
10:10I don't know.
10:11I'm glad that someone finally showed up.
10:12Got to be 12.15.
10:13I was thinking no one was coming, you know?
10:14I'm sorry about that.
10:15I'm always late.
10:16That's something I should work on.
10:18No, don't think twice about it.
10:21Well, hey, listen.
10:22I got kind of hungry.
10:23I was actually...
10:24I was going to go grab some food.
10:25I don't know.
10:26You want to come?
10:27I could eat.
10:28You ever go to Al's?
10:29Al's Diner?
10:30Below the line?
10:31Love that place.
10:35Reason for going below the line?
10:36Going to get diner food.
10:38Gross.
10:39Normally I don't love patting people down,
10:40but when they got muscles like you,
10:42I don't mind so much.
10:43Glad I could make your night better.
10:45Okay, let's go.
10:46Right behind you.
10:48Bye.
10:50Ha ha ha ha ha!
10:58I love when they're going to blow the door
11:00off that armored car.
11:01Oh, yes, yes.
11:02And they decide not to.
11:04Close up anyway.
11:05Yes, right.
11:06I love that show.
11:08Hey, Al.
11:11What do you want?
11:12Egg white omelet.
11:13Up.
11:15Egg white omelet,
11:16but could you fry the yolks
11:18and put them on the side.
11:19What? No way. That's my order.
11:22I mean, that's literally what I ordered.
11:23It's so funny, because I like the yolks, but...
11:25Separately?
11:26Yeah. Yeah.
11:27I'm gonna do the same.
11:29Okay.
11:32What do you ask?
11:33It's unbelievable.
11:35♪♪
11:38Ha ha ha ha!
11:40But then my wife passed away.
11:43Oh, I'm sorry about that.
11:44Oh, it's okay. It was a long time ago.
11:48I got this.
11:49Oh, no, come on. Let me get it.
11:50No, no. No, no, I got it.
11:51No, please. I invited you.
11:52Let me just...
11:53No, hey, hey, no, no.
11:54I got it. I got it.
11:55All right.
11:57Well, that was fun.
11:59Yeah, that was a blast.
12:01And look, if I ever need a new car,
12:02I know who to call, right?
12:03Jeez, my day's on the floor over.
12:05I'm a desk jockey now.
12:07Listen, I'm back this way, actually, so...
12:09Oh.
12:10See you around?
12:12Oh, I'm sorry.
12:13Oh, I'm sorry.
12:14No, it's weird that I went for the hug.
12:17Take it easy.
12:18Yep.
12:19Yeah.
12:20Bye.
12:21Yeah.
12:37Hello?
12:42Hello?
12:47Hello?
12:54Dr. Najari?
12:59Hello?
13:00No!
13:01No!
13:02No!
13:03No!
13:04No!
13:05No!
13:06No!
13:07Wait a minute.
13:08Wait a minute.
13:09Whoa, wait.
13:10No.
13:11No!
13:12No!
13:13No!
13:14No!
13:15No!
13:17Wait a minute.
13:24Well, I guess he didn't want to give us our money back.
13:27Yeah, I guess not.
13:28Good to see you.
13:30What are you doing?
13:32You want to get lunch or something?
13:35Well, I had some work to do, but...
13:37You like grilled cheese?
13:39Oh.
13:40I went crazy.
13:42I had no idea it was gonna happen.
13:44Me neither.
13:45Hey, did you still want that grilled cheese?
13:49Nope. I don't even like grilled cheese.
13:52I'm lactose intolerant.
13:55Stop. You dog.
14:15I can't believe I'm going to meet you right now.
14:45I can't believe I'm going to meet your parents. Do I look okay?
14:46Stop it. You look great.
14:47You like my sweater vest?
14:48Yes, I love it. It's very dignified.
14:50Dignified, but its main purpose is to hold my stomach in.
14:52Hey. I love that stomach. That's my stomach.
14:57Come on.
14:59Sweet!
15:00Here they are. Hi, guys.
15:02Oh, thank you.
15:05Mom, Dad, this is Bert.
15:07Hi, I'm Ron. Very nice to meet you, Mr. Chun.
15:10Call me Bert. My father was Mr. Chun.
15:12He's as witty as you said, Stu.
15:16I'm Linda.
15:17Oh, bonjour.
15:21Okay, dear.
15:23Yeah, take it easy, ma.
15:25Oh, I love that song.
15:31Hey, let's sing it.
15:32Whoa, whoa, cha-cha.
15:34Please, Mr. Limeguard Man.
15:36Don't check my bag-a.
15:38Don't check my bag-a.
15:41Oh, I love Marlo Umphrey.
15:44I saw him live 17 times.
15:46Oh, Stu, you sure know how to choose them.
15:48Thanks, Dad.
15:49I, um, I was kind of nervous that you guys would be,
15:52I don't know, upset about his age.
15:53Oh.
15:54Are you kidding me?
15:55You've given us another old fogey
15:56to talk about the good old days with.
15:58Yeah.
15:59Oh, hey, Linda.
16:00Stu mentioned that you like owls.
16:02And, uh, so I picked one up for you.
16:06I hope you like it.
16:07Bird.
16:08Oh, that's so sweet.
16:11Oh.
16:12Oh.
16:13Oh, a mechanical owl.
16:17Oh, it's beautiful.
16:19Oh, it'll look perfect with my collection.
16:23Are you guys staying for dinner?
16:25Um.
16:26Please.
16:27Dinner?
16:28Yeah.
16:29Sure, thank you.
16:30Yay.
16:33Jesus, nervous, sweating.
16:35Don't be.
16:36They're great kids.
16:37Besides, this is different from me meeting your parents.
16:40These are my kids.
16:41And if they don't like you, I'll tell them they have to.
16:47I just, I feel like they'll be comparing me to their mother.
16:49Stu, listen, Martha was a wonderful woman.
16:51And when she passed away, none of our lives were the same.
16:53But these are good kids.
16:54They want to see their dad happy.
16:56Kids!
16:57There they are.
16:59Liza, this is Stu.
17:01Hi.
17:02Hi.
17:03Nice to meet you.
17:04You too.
17:05You didn't tell me he was super hot.
17:07I wanted to surprise you.
17:09Booj, this is Stu.
17:11Booj?
17:12How are you?
17:14Forget this.
17:15I'll be in the backyard.
17:17Sorry.
17:18He's just adjusting.
17:20I'm gonna go talk to him.
17:21Actually, no.
17:22You know what?
17:24Let me go talk to him.
17:36Hey, bud.
17:38Hey.
17:41You're, uh, you're pretty great on that thing.
17:50Hey, you, uh, you like safe fall?
17:55Yeah, I guess.
17:57Why don't you go along?
18:00Come on.
18:02It'll be fun.
18:05There you go.
18:06Get out there.
18:09You, uh, play in high school?
18:11Yeah, I played at Central Awards.
18:13Hey, I played at Highland Awards.
18:16Man, you above the line guys always kicked our butts.
18:24Listen, how you holding up?
18:27It's just, you're not my mom.
18:29Hey, hey, I totally get that.
18:31All right?
18:32I don't want to be your mom.
18:34Look, I couldn't be.
18:35From what your dad says, she was one of a kind.
18:39Yeah, she, she was.
18:41But I mean, that's not everything.
18:44Come on, champ.
18:45You can tell me.
18:46After mom died, I just got really depressed.
18:50So then eventually my assigned mate filed for unassignment.
18:55Well, look, have you tried going to the therapy vending machines?
18:58No, that's what my sister did.
18:59I don't know.
19:00I feel like I should maybe try to just figure it out for myself.
19:05Listen, hey, it's OK.
19:09Look at me.
19:10You don't think I was scared getting into this with your dad?
19:14I was terrified.
19:16He's a big man.
19:18Yeah?
19:19Yeah.
19:20Well, listen, if there's one thing that I can tell you,
19:23it's that anything, anything can be overcome
19:26with a little bit of courage.
19:30And I know you got some of that, right?
19:34Just got to find it.
19:35Where is it?
19:36Huh?
19:37Is it there?
19:38No.
19:39No? Is it over there?
19:40No.
19:41Where is that? Where's that courage?
19:42It's not there.
19:43Yeah, where is it? Come on.
19:44Right here.
19:45Yeah, that's where it is.
19:46There's my big guy.
19:48You all right?
19:50Come here.
19:54Thanks, Stu.
20:00Hey, uh, Egg White.
20:02When are you going to finish that up
20:03and give your old man a back rub?
20:04Why am I the one decorating this tree?
20:06And why am I the one giving the back rub?
20:10Who could that be at this time?
20:12You have a visitor.
20:13Come on in.
20:16You.
20:17That's the guy from the one that's the one commercial.
20:19No, I'm the technician from Najari Labs.
20:21Same guy.
20:22I assure you, I'm not.
20:23Huh.
20:24Mr. Chund, Mr. Manning,
20:25I'm sorry to interrupt,
20:26I assure you, I'm not.
20:27Huh.
20:28Mr. Chund, Mr. Maxim.
20:29We're both Mr. Maxim now.
20:31Oh.
20:32Well, I don't normally make house calls,
20:34but this is a special situation.
20:36You see, when Dr. Najari computed your input
20:39at the one that's the one,
20:40he made a mistake.
20:42He forgot to carry the one.
20:44You are not each other's one that's the one.
20:45But we've been together for a year.
20:47Yeah, I mean, we're married.
20:48I can't apologize enough.
20:50It's the first mistake in the history
20:52of the one that's the one.
20:53Mr. Maxim,
20:55this is your one that's the one.
20:57Oh.
20:58Mr. Maxim,
21:00this is yours.
21:02Al from the diner?
21:04Yes.
21:05That's still a dude?
21:06Yes.
21:07Huh.
21:08We should have connected you two.
21:09Al got so lonely,
21:10he relocated to Irmingblam.
21:12Irmingblam's horrible this time of year.
21:14So humid.
21:15Listen, we don't care what you say, okay?
21:16We're satisfied with these results.
21:18We really love one another.
21:19We're happy.
21:20I understand that,
21:21but you can't argue the science.
21:22Forget the science.
21:23We work.
21:24I mean, we may contradict some data,
21:25but why would that matter?
21:26I'm afraid this is about more than just you two.
21:29Dr. Nachari?
21:30Were you waiting out by the entranceway all this time?
21:32Why didn't you just walk in?
21:34I don't know.
21:35Surely we're...
21:36That's your opinion.
21:37You see, the upper classes
21:39are assigned mates at birth to preserve order.
21:42There is much more at stake here
21:43than just your relationship.
21:45Order is the foundation of our community,
21:47above the line.
21:48You two have been mandated for separation.
21:51What?
21:52No.
21:53No way are we separating.
21:54You should have looked more closely at your paperwork.
21:56In a fine print,
21:57it says that in the event of a mistake,
21:59separation is legally required.
22:01Who's gonna make us?
22:02Yeah, I am.
22:04Actually, those two will,
22:07but because I tell them to.
22:09Were you two out here this whole time?
22:11Yeah, again, just super weird.
22:13Like, how many more people are in the house?
22:14Shut up.
22:16You have two hours to separate.
22:19What?
22:22Two hours.
22:23Two hours?
22:24Yeah, I got it.
22:35Well, that's everything.
22:38You want to try to take these guys out?
22:41I'm gonna miss you so much.
22:43They're armed. We can't take them.
22:53This could have been great.
22:55It was great.
22:56Hey, I know.
22:58Come here.
23:01Shh.
23:06Did you get your pot ticket?
23:08Yep.
23:09Leaving for Irmingblum 10 p.m. Thursday.
23:13Uh...
23:17My car homie's here, so...
23:22I gotta go.
23:30Bye, Bert.
23:33Good luck in Irmingblum.
23:35Goodbye...
23:38Ed White.
23:53So did you notice that I get my egg whites, right?
23:56But then I get the yolks on the side.
23:59Why would you do that?
24:01Because I don't like them with the egg whites, so...
24:53Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
24:56Uh, nothing.
24:58Nothing, I'm doing nothing.
25:01I should be doing something.
25:08Frank!
25:10Frank!
25:13Frank!
25:22Frank!
25:25Frank!
25:28Frank!
25:30Wait!
25:32Bert, wait!
25:43Why am I always late?
25:46Good thing I'm always late, too.
25:53Mm!
26:04Screw science.
26:06Yeah, screw science.
26:10I wanna know which wavelets you're hangin' on
26:18I wanna know which light you keep keepin' on
26:25I wanna know
26:28Whose side you're on
26:32I wanna know
26:35Whose side you're on
26:39I wanna know
26:41You stupidly enter on your TV
26:45And put your records on, yeah
26:56I wanna leave this cold place and keep you warm
27:02I wanna be your shelter from the storm
27:09Yeah, I wanna know
27:13Whose side you're on
27:17Cause I wanna know
27:21I wanna know
27:31You know, I think we're gonna like it here.
27:34Me, too, Egg White.
27:40You know what? I wanna try something. It's silly, but let me try it.
27:43Oh, carry me through the threshold?
27:45Yeah, yeah.
27:47There we go.
27:49No, no, no.
27:51Better walk.
27:53Yeah, yeah.
27:55All right.
27:57Cause I wanna know
28:00Do you?
28:19Do you?