Ask A Policeman (1939) B&W

For The Love Of Film Education (FTLOFE)

Turnbottom Round prides itself as the village without crime; there has not been an arrest recorded by the local police for years. Unfortunately, this is more to do with the inability of Sgt. Dudfoot and his constables Jerry and Harbottle to so much as recognize a crime. With their jobs on the line, the trio attempt to stage their own crime, only to inadvertently uncover a smuggling ring and a headless horseman.   Source: IMDB

Transcript

00:00:00This is a production of the U.S. Department of State.

00:00:30This is a production of the U.S. Department of State.

00:01:00We are now back in the studio, having shown you the type of crime which occurs all too

00:01:14frequently in London, keeping a highly organized police force constantly employed.

00:01:19But now, by way of contrast, we're taking you over to a little village on the coast.

00:01:23In the sleepy little hamlet of Turnbottom Round, there are no criminals.

00:01:28For years now, not a single conviction has been recorded, not even a name in the charge

00:01:31book.

00:01:33This unique record has caused Turnbottom Round to be envied throughout the south of England

00:01:36as the village without crime.

00:01:39The police station occupies an old watchtower and is probably the least used building in

00:01:43the neighborhood.

00:01:45Ladies and gentlemen, the police station Turnbottom Round.

00:01:49Well, here we are, ladies and gentlemen, in the police station of the village without

00:01:54crime.

00:01:56We have with us, as an audience, the squire and all the local celebrities.

00:02:01The absence of crime in this happy village is entirely due to the efficient and indefatigable

00:02:06efforts of the head of the local police force, Sergeant Dudford.

00:02:11Sergeant Dudford.

00:02:13Oh, is it me?

00:02:16Good evening, everybody.

00:02:19A little further back and not quite so loud, please.

00:02:22Oh, I see.

00:02:23A little farther back, yes.

00:02:24Is it true you've had no crime in this village for ten years?

00:02:26No, no.

00:02:27That's my bit.

00:02:28Oh, is it?

00:02:29Oh.

00:02:30Oh, I'm sorry.

00:02:31That's his bit.

00:02:32Yes.

00:02:33Is it true that you've had no crime in this village for ten years?

00:02:34Oh, I see.

00:02:35We're starting again.

00:02:36Yes, that is true.

00:02:37And how long exactly is it since you last had a crime?

00:02:39Ten years, five weeks, four days.

00:02:41Very interesting.

00:02:42And how long have you been in charge of this police station?

00:02:45Ten years, five weeks, four days.

00:02:47I can hardly believe it.

00:02:48Well, that's what it says here.

00:02:50Very commendable, Sergeant.

00:02:52A record like yours deserves a reward.

00:02:54Hey, where is it?

00:02:56I have merely done my duty.

00:02:58I do not expect any reward.

00:03:00Sorry, I don't remember approving that line.

00:03:02When you say there has been no crime, you mean no big crime.

00:03:06I mean none, either big or little.

00:03:08What about minor offenses such as pilfering or poaching?

00:03:11There has been no poaching in this village for ten years, five weeks, four days.

00:03:15Amazing record, Sergeant.

00:03:16Yes, I haven't seen a poacher for the last...

00:03:18Since you've been here, definitely an achievement, Sergeant.

00:03:21I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.

00:03:25And for an agricultural district like Turnbotham Round,

00:03:28never to have known a case of poaching in ten years,

00:03:31well, all I can say is it says a great deal for the control you exercise over the villagers.

00:03:35Well, what have you done? You've made us miss the broadcast.

00:03:37He will not be naughty.

00:03:38Yes, he'd be more naughty if he missed his dinner tomorrow.

00:03:44Get up, you fool. Don't you know they're making a broadcast in there?

00:03:47Get some light in here.

00:03:48That's better.

00:03:49That's better. If we hurry, we'll just make it.

00:03:53He's still talking.

00:03:55I thought you said you'd remember the broadcast.

00:03:57No, I didn't. I said I'd remember to remind you about the broadcast.

00:03:59Well, why didn't you?

00:04:00Because I forgot.

00:04:01Because you forgot. You always forget.

00:04:03Come on. All right, wait for me.

00:04:05I've set an example to the police all over the world.

00:04:08Our Sergeant Dudford staff have just returned from their lonely beats.

00:04:12Two splendid fellows.

00:04:14One is a fine, youthful figure of a policeman, and the other is just...

00:04:17They don't want to hear about him.

00:04:18Sorry we're late, Sarge.

00:04:19Good evening, Constable Brown.

00:04:20Sir, you too have helped to keep this village free from crime.

00:04:23Not at all!

00:04:24Not so loud and stand farther back.

00:04:26This village must be very proud of you.

00:04:27Well, my girl Emily says I'm a...

00:04:28You mean my girl Emily.

00:04:29That's a nice thing to say in a broadcast.

00:04:31Well, they can't make anything good out of that, can they?

00:04:35Now, how long have you been with the force?

00:04:37Twelve months next muck-spreading.

00:04:38What do you mean, muck-spreading? It says April.

00:04:40Well, there is muck-spreading.

00:04:41What?

00:04:42Why don't they stick to the script?

00:04:43I mean, what is it? This isn't a gardening talk?

00:04:46And you've never been called upon to arrest even a drunk.

00:04:49Oh, no. No drunks here.

00:04:55You must tell the choir boys it's the streets, not the proper place to practice.

00:04:58Yes, Sarge.

00:05:00And how about you, Constable...

00:05:02Harbottle.

00:05:03Pleased to meet you.

00:05:04Harbottle, aye, yes.

00:05:05You control the traffic.

00:05:06And you've never even known a case of speeding.

00:05:08No fear.

00:05:09I'd have soon had the bracelets on them if I had.

00:05:11Oh, that must be the doctor on an urgent case.

00:05:13Urgent?

00:05:14Yeah, probably going to Mrs. Ockham.

00:05:16She always needs it till the last minute.

00:05:20Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize for this old fool.

00:05:22If ever he opens his mouth, he always sticks his foot in it.

00:05:24He comes butting in, he's got no right here at all.

00:05:26And what's more...

00:05:27You're wasting your time, sir. You've been faded out.

00:05:29Well, what about these other three pages?

00:05:31It's all your fault.

00:05:33Oh, I'm sorry this happened, Sergeant. You were doing splendidly.

00:05:36Oh, well, you know how it is.

00:05:37The BBC always fade out the best items.

00:05:39Good night, Sergeant.

00:05:40Good night.

00:05:42The least I can do is to thank you for your trouble.

00:05:44Being a police officer, of course, you can't accept a fee.

00:05:46Oh, does that come under this?

00:05:47Oh, what a pity.

00:05:48But if there's any local charity for which you'd like a contribution...

00:05:51Well, we have the police outing fund, sir.

00:05:53I think it's going to be rather difficult to get that in.

00:05:55Oh, no, no, no, it isn't. There we are.

00:05:57Good night, Sergeant.

00:05:58Good night.

00:05:59Come and say good night to the gentlemen.

00:06:01Come on, come on.

00:06:02Good night.

00:06:03Good night.

00:06:04Good night.

00:06:05Good night.

00:06:23We're not open yet.

00:06:24Got plenty for you this morning, Sarge.

00:06:26Have you?

00:06:27Yeah.

00:06:28Well, they can wait for their money.

00:06:29Show them in next door.

00:06:36Hello, Ernie.

00:06:37How's the missus?

00:06:38Very nice, thanks.

00:06:39The Sergeant says I have to bring his post here.

00:06:41What, all that lunch?

00:06:42What's he been up to?

00:06:49Come in out tonight, Emily.

00:06:50Oh, I can't, Ernie.

00:06:51I've got a date.

00:06:52Hey, not with Harry Pringle, the fish boy.

00:06:54Why, what have you got on Harry?

00:06:55Oh, nothing.

00:06:56I never thought a girl like you would aim a bit higher than a common eel skinner.

00:06:59Well, at least he does take me to the pictures.

00:07:01Pictures?

00:07:02What's the matter with you?

00:07:03You go there and pass out at Robert Taylor and Clark Gable.

00:07:06Takes you a couple of weeks to get used to me again.

00:07:08Oh, you're just jealous because Harry's got a motorbike and you haven't.

00:07:11Huh?

00:07:12Motorbike?

00:07:13I wouldn't take one of my girls out on a motorbike, bumping up and down on the pillion,

00:07:16getting disfigured for life.

00:07:18Don't you believe it, big boy?

00:07:20The back of a motorbike's OK by little Emily.

00:07:22Oh, I suppose you wouldn't come out in my car.

00:07:24Your car?

00:07:25Well, you haven't got a car.

00:07:26It belongs to the police.

00:07:27Anyway, you're afraid to take me out in it.

00:07:30Says who?

00:07:31Says me.

00:07:32Well, you'll be at the crossways at half past five tonight and we'll see.

00:07:35Well, I might, now you've bought me the sweets.

00:07:38So long, honey bud.

00:07:39All right.

00:07:41Here, here.

00:07:42Here, here, here.

00:07:43Here, here, here.

00:07:44Don't empty my world of broken biscuits.

00:07:46Who are they for, the governor?

00:07:48Oh, I see.

00:07:49Well, at least it's all those for me.

00:07:50Perhaps they're Christmas cards.

00:07:52What in November?

00:07:53It's your fun mail after your broadcast.

00:07:55Oh, how do you know?

00:07:56Well, I opened one or two.

00:07:58You opened one or two?

00:07:59Do you know that's an offence?

00:08:00Yes.

00:08:01Yes, and so was your broadcast.

00:08:03Here, lovely.

00:08:04What's all that lot?

00:08:05Oh, my fan letters.

00:08:07Only for me.

00:08:08Hey, look, there's one with OHMS on it.

00:08:09Ah, that'll be from the BBC.

00:08:11Wanting to fix up another broadcast.

00:08:13Yes.

00:08:15Dear sir, re your broadcast.

00:08:17Your failure to effect a single arrest for the past ten years, five weeks, four days,

00:08:22would strongly suggest that the police station in your area is unnecessary.

00:08:27An investigation will shortly be made to decide whether to transfer you to another district

00:08:31or to retire you and your staff from the force altogether.

00:08:35Yours faithfully, John Conshaw, Chief Constable.

00:08:38Oh, dear.

00:08:39Transferred or retired.

00:08:41That's a bit thick.

00:08:42No, I don't want to retire.

00:08:43At least not till I'm an old man.

00:08:44I mean, you're ten years older than the pilgrimage now.

00:08:46Just shut up.

00:08:47It's all your fault.

00:08:48You and your blew in broadcast.

00:08:49Well, there's gratitude for you.

00:08:51After me making him into a policeman.

00:08:52Well, you had to when he's left.

00:08:53You resigned.

00:08:54Resigned.

00:08:55I like that.

00:08:56You mean did a bunk with a sports fund.

00:08:57Yes, and you kept his name on the payroll.

00:08:59That's right.

00:09:00And if I hadn't have come in, he wouldn't have had any odd bottle to show.

00:09:02Yeah, and you wouldn't be able to stick to half his wages.

00:09:04That's commission.

00:09:05Blimey, you should talk.

00:09:06What about all that petrol you've been using taking your girl out?

00:09:09Well, what about it?

00:09:10It's not yours.

00:09:11It's police petrol.

00:09:12That's got nothing at all to do with it.

00:09:13It's the principle of the thing I'm talking about.

00:09:15There's no use fighting amongst ourselves.

00:09:17What are we going to do about this letter?

00:09:19Well, I'll tell you what we're going to do about it.

00:09:21If the chief wants arrests, he's going to have arrests.

00:09:23We've got to find some crime, that's all.

00:09:25Let me see.

00:09:28Here.

00:09:29I know where there's some crime.

00:09:30Where?

00:09:31In the news of the world.

00:09:33I mean, we can't wait till Sunday.

00:09:34Yeah, what about Mrs. Clifford?

00:09:35Has she paid her dog license?

00:09:37Well, she has in a way.

00:09:39What do you mean she has in a way?

00:09:41Well, she tossed me double or quits and I lost.

00:09:44We can get her for gambling.

00:09:45Oh, we can't do that.

00:09:46She's one of my best customers.

00:09:47Box of dog biscuits into Bob Martin's every Friday.

00:09:50Well, we're going to arrest someone whether we offend them or not.

00:09:52Yes.

00:09:53What about poaching?

00:09:55No.

00:09:58No.

00:10:02You know, Jolly Willy hasn't got a car.

00:10:04He's only got a bike.

00:10:07Hey!

00:10:08Hey, come back here!

00:10:09You can't go carrying through here.

00:10:11What are you doing? This is a restricted area.

00:10:15Hey, there's an idea.

00:10:16Restricted area.

00:10:17We'll set a speed check.

00:10:18I mean, we'll give them arrests.

00:10:19We'll stop everything.

00:10:21Hey, where's my stopwatch, Albert?

00:10:22Oh, I gave it half a bottle.

00:10:23Yes, I had it, but I boiled it.

00:10:25You what?

00:10:26I boiled it.

00:10:27See, I had the egg in one hand and the watch in the other,

00:10:28and I put the wrong one in.

00:10:29You would.

00:10:30Well, you better bring the egg.

00:10:31What shall I do with it?

00:10:32Well, suck it and see.

00:10:42All right, I'm ready.

00:10:44Get in the hay.

00:10:46All right.

00:10:48Well, I don't see how you're going to work it.

00:10:50Well, it's perfectly simple.

00:10:51Half bottle's at the top of the road with the first post,

00:10:53and when a car passes him, he's going to start his watch

00:10:55and drop his handkerchief.

00:10:56Yes, but what do I do?

00:10:57Well, when you see his handkerchief,

00:10:58you start your watch.

00:10:59Yes, but who's going to stop the motorists?

00:11:01I am.

00:11:02I'm going to stop every car that passes.

00:11:08Oh, you didn't stop that one.

00:11:09He came before I was ready.

00:11:11Here, set your watch by mine.

00:11:12Hey, sounds like another car.

00:11:14Well, get in the hedge over there.

00:11:16Yes.

00:11:33You were exceeding the speed limit.

00:11:34Don't talk rot.

00:11:35Oh, yes, you were.

00:11:36All right.

00:11:37How much do you reckon I was doing there?

00:11:38Yeah.

00:11:39Oh, well, all in good time.

00:11:40Herbert!

00:11:41Half bottle!

00:11:42What was this man doing?

00:11:4325 minutes.

00:11:44Yeah.

00:11:45Minutes.

00:11:46Those are seconds.

00:11:47Oh, yes.

00:11:48I was looking at the wrong end.

00:11:49What do you make it?

00:11:5025 seconds.

00:11:51So do I.

00:11:52You did the measured furlong in 25 seconds.

00:11:54What of it?

00:11:55That's only 20 miles an hour.

00:11:56Yeah.

00:11:5720 miles an hour.

00:11:58Oh, yes, but 20 miles each.

00:12:00You see, there's three of us.

00:12:01That makes it 60.

00:12:0260?

00:12:03What on earth are you dribbling about?

00:12:0425 seconds, one furlong.

00:12:06Work it out for yourself and see.

00:12:07Oh, that's easy.

00:12:08All right.

00:12:09Oh, that's easy.

00:12:10I've got a pencil.

00:12:11I suppose you think we can't do it, don't you?

00:12:12There you are.

00:12:13Now, let me see it.

00:12:14Now, what is it?

00:12:15220 yards multiplied by 8.

00:12:16That's not on my bollocks.

00:12:17All right.

00:12:18All right.

00:12:19We're only doing it to oblige you.

00:12:20Yes, we're courtesy cops.

00:12:21Yes.

00:12:22220 yards multiplied by 8.

00:12:23That's 1,760.

00:12:24Now, divide that by 25 seconds.

00:12:25Hey, the thing to do is to reduce it to hours.

00:12:26I mean, how can you reduce 25 seconds to hours?

00:12:27Listen, how long do you expect me to wait here?

00:12:28You wait here.

00:12:29You wait here.

00:12:30You wait here.

00:12:31You wait here.

00:12:32You wait here.

00:12:33You wait here.

00:12:34You wait here.

00:12:35You wait here.

00:12:36Now, you wait here.

00:12:37You wait here.

00:12:38You wait here.

00:12:39How can you reduce 25 seconds to hours?

00:12:40Listen, how long do you expect me to wait here?

00:12:41You wait till we've finished.

00:12:42You ask for it, you're going to get it.

00:12:43Yes, I've done it.

00:12:44Have you?

00:12:45Yes.

00:12:46Good.

00:12:4725 minus 220 divided by 60 gives us..

00:12:48Well, according to this, he hasn't got it yet.

00:12:49Yeah.

00:12:50There it is.

00:12:511,760 divided by 25 gives us 70.4.

00:12:5470.4?

00:12:55Yeah.

00:12:56Well, it's gone up.

00:12:57Well, that's nearly 80 miles an hour.

00:12:58All right.

00:12:59Yes.

00:13:00Ask him for his license.

00:13:01I want to see your license.

00:13:04I haven't got a license.

00:13:05I said I haven't got a license.

00:13:07He hasn't got a license.

00:13:09Ask him for his insurance.

00:13:11Well, let me see your insurance certificate.

00:13:13I'm not insured.

00:13:14What, you mean you haven't got a license or an insurance?

00:13:16No.

00:13:17He hasn't got a license or an insurance.

00:13:19Oh.

00:13:21Well, it's a very lucky thing for you, young man.

00:13:23You've just saved your bacon.

00:13:24Do you mean I can go?

00:13:26Well, I can't endorse your license if you haven't got one, can I?

00:13:28Go on, hop in.

00:13:29Next time, be sure you bring one with you.

00:13:31Yeah.

00:13:36Well, if you ask me, it's a waste of time.

00:13:38Oh, well, who's wasting the time?

00:13:40It'll be ten minutes to work out a simple little sub like that.

00:13:42Well, it isn't, Al.

00:13:43It's a post.

00:13:44Well, what's the matter with them?

00:13:45Too clean?

00:13:46No, they're 220 yards apart.

00:13:48Well, what's that got to do with it?

00:13:49Look, 60 seconds in a minute.

00:13:5160 into 220 won't go.

00:13:53That's right.

00:13:54Well, if we made it 240, it's four.

00:13:56Four?

00:13:57Four times a minute.

00:13:59Oh.

00:14:00That seems very often, doesn't it?

00:14:01Oh, no, you don't understand.

00:14:03Oh, no, you don't understand.

00:14:04Look, if we move that post a bit this way, it's easy to divide.

00:14:07Well, why didn't you say so?

00:14:13Oh.

00:14:14Go on.

00:14:15Now, put some beef in it.

00:14:16Go ahead and put some beef in it.

00:14:17Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

00:14:19There you are.

00:14:20There it is.

00:14:21Now, we'll step it out 20 yards, and you bring the post with you.

00:14:23Go on.

00:14:241, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

00:14:32Hey, sounds like another car coming.

00:14:34All right.

00:14:35Well, no arguments this time.

00:14:36We've all agreed it's doing 60.

00:14:37Right.

00:14:38Now, run up the road and get ready to drop your handkerchief.

00:14:40Hey.

00:14:41I haven't got a handkerchief.

00:14:42Well, drop your sleeve or whatever you use.

00:14:49We can't put this.

00:14:50Well, put it anywhere.

00:14:51Here, stick it there.

00:14:54It won't stick here.

00:14:55Well, stick it.

00:14:56Never mind.

00:14:57Hold it.

00:14:58Get your watch ready.

00:15:03What the devil's the meaning of this?

00:15:05Well, first of all, have you got a license?

00:15:07Of course I've got a license.

00:15:09You have?

00:15:10Then you're for it, my lad.

00:15:11You were doing 60 miles an hour.

00:15:13I was doing what?

00:15:1460.

00:15:15Absolute nonsense.

00:15:19Ah, what was this man doing?

00:15:2160.

00:15:2260, huh?

00:15:2360 miles an hour.

00:15:2460 miles an hour.

00:15:2560 miles an hour.

00:15:2660 miles an hour.

00:15:2760 miles an hour.

00:15:2860 miles an hour.

00:15:2960 miles an hour.

00:15:30What was this man doing?

00:15:3160.

00:15:3260, huh?

00:15:33You have the evidence to tell me that I was doing 60.

00:15:35What's that?

00:15:36Oh, a policeman.

00:15:37Yes.

00:15:38Well, I must be going mad or something.

00:15:39What's he doing with that thing?

00:15:40That?

00:15:41Ha, ha.

00:15:42That's evidence.

00:15:43Evidence.

00:15:44Quiet, quiet.

00:15:45Now you, say truly, uh, uh, truly.

00:15:46Truly rubbish.

00:15:47Yes, that's right.

00:15:48Say that.

00:15:49Truly rubbish.

00:15:50As I thought.

00:15:51Drunk as well.

00:15:52All right, boys.

00:15:53That's it.

00:15:54What?

00:15:55I warn you, anything you say will only make it worse for you.

00:15:56The handcuffs are on the floor.

00:15:57Let me back.

00:15:58Let me back.

00:15:59You'll be my customer, will you?

00:16:00Oh, I see.

00:16:01I see.

00:16:02Resisting arrest, eh?

00:16:03All right, boys.

00:16:04Leave him be.

00:16:05Now, go on.

00:16:06Get in and drive him to the street.

00:16:07I'll tell you something.

00:16:08What?

00:16:09He wasn't going very fast at all.

00:16:10Well, fast or slow, it doesn't matter.

00:16:11The law's the law.

00:16:12I know.

00:16:13Go on.

00:16:14Ah, we've got a case at last.

00:16:15Did you search him?

00:16:16Yep.

00:16:17One pocketbook, one pocketbook.

00:16:18One pocketbook.

00:16:19One pocketbook.

00:16:20One pocketbook.

00:16:21One pocketbook.

00:16:22One pocketbook.

00:16:23One pocketbook.

00:16:24One pocketbook.

00:16:25One pocketbook.

00:16:26One pocketbook.

00:16:27One pocketbook.

00:16:28One pocketbook, one watch, one penknife and no money.

00:16:31One penknife and no what?

00:16:32And no money.

00:16:33Come on.

00:16:34Turn out your pockets.

00:16:35Oh, all right.

00:16:36One penknife and 15 bob.

00:16:38I mean, will you never learn to be honest?

00:16:40He's as much our person as he's yours.

00:16:41Here, I'll find Bob each.

00:16:43Now, let's see what his name is.

00:16:45You got anything inside?

00:16:56Oh.

00:16:58What's the matter?

00:17:00We've only pinched the chief constable, that's all.

00:17:02Oh, that's an itch, ain't it?

00:17:03Yeah, we've got to get him out of that cell before he comes to.

00:17:06Now, when he wakes up, we don't know anything about this.

00:17:08We'll pretend we're surprised he's here.

00:17:10We'll ask him how he got here.

00:17:11Shh.

00:17:12I know.

00:17:13He hit something with his car.

00:17:14Tell him there's been an accident.

00:17:15Yes, and when he finds out there hasn't been an accident,

00:17:17there will be one.

00:17:18Don't be silly.

00:17:19After a pout on the head like that,

00:17:20he won't know what's happened.

00:17:21Hey, where are you going?

00:17:22I'm going out to fix the accident.

00:17:23Right.

00:17:28Oh.

00:17:40Hey.

00:17:42Hey, what are you doing?

00:17:43What are you doing?

00:17:44I'm kicking the front of the car in.

00:17:47Hey, wait.

00:17:48Are you serious doing that?

00:17:49That won't look like an accident.

00:17:50You want to, uh, you want to drive it into something?

00:17:52Well, that's an idea.

00:17:53Hurry up.

00:17:54He'll come to any minute.

00:17:56Where's the starter?

00:17:57Eh?

00:17:58It's that little knob over there.

00:17:59Hey, come out.

00:18:00Let me do it.

00:18:01Oh.

00:18:02Let me.

00:18:03You're switching on the lights.

00:18:04There's the self-starter.

00:18:05Oh.

00:18:08Oh, oh, oh.

00:18:09Look at my samples.

00:18:10Why didn't you tell me you'd left it in gear?

00:18:12Well, you didn't give me time to tell you anything.

00:18:14Oh, well.

00:18:15Anyway, they can't say there hasn't been an accident.

00:18:18Oh.

00:18:27Oh, are you feeling better now, sir?

00:18:32You scoundrels.

00:18:34I'll have the lot of you in jail for this.

00:18:36He's delirious.

00:18:37Delirious?

00:18:38Take it easy, sir.

00:18:39You've had an accident.

00:18:40What are you talking about?

00:18:42You assaulted me.

00:18:43That's right.

00:18:44No, you've had an accident, sir.

00:18:45Oh, an accident, sir.

00:18:46Yes.

00:18:47You were driving your car, and you suddenly left the road,

00:18:49went smack through the shop next door.

00:18:51You impudent scoundrels.

00:18:52Well, if you don't believe us, come out and have a look.

00:18:54Yes, yes.

00:18:55Come and have a look.

00:18:57You assaulted me on the high road.

00:18:58Oh, we didn't, sir.

00:18:59Oh, nothing of the kind.

00:19:00Why, we haven't been out of the house all day, sir.

00:19:02Really.

00:19:03You held me up and accused me of speeding, and you know it.

00:19:05Hallucination.

00:19:06Yes, that's what it is, sir.

00:19:07Hallucination.

00:19:08Very common after an accident.

00:19:09What?

00:19:10Especially a nasty one like this.

00:19:11Look.

00:19:12What have you done to my car?

00:19:13Keep calm, sir.

00:19:14Keep calm.

00:19:15It'll all come back to you.

00:19:16Come back?

00:19:17It hasn't gone away from me yet.

00:19:18You stopped me on the high road for speeding,

00:19:19and what's more, you accused me of being drunk.

00:19:21Oh, pure hallucination, sir.

00:19:23Yes, hallucination.

00:19:25That's right.

00:19:26Are you trying to tell me that I drove down this road

00:19:28and for no reason at all crashed my car into this shop?

00:19:30Exactly, sir.

00:19:31I refuse to believe such outrageous nonsense.

00:19:33Oh, excuse me, but it's perfectly true.

00:19:35What?

00:19:36I was in the Sadler's shop down the road

00:19:37and saw the whole thing.

00:19:38You did?

00:19:39Who's this?

00:19:40Oh, this is the squire.

00:19:41Do you mean to tell me you substantiate this man's story?

00:19:44Definitely.

00:19:45Well, you come with me.

00:19:47Yes.

00:19:51Thank you very much.

00:19:54If there's anything in this outrageous story,

00:19:56how on earth do you explain this bump?

00:19:58Well, uh, might I suggest, sir,

00:19:59that you hit your head on the windscreen?

00:20:01Good heavens, man, I can't hit the windscreen

00:20:02with the back of my head.

00:20:03Oh, maybe you was in reverse.

00:20:05Oh.

00:20:08Albert Brown, you can't do this to me.

00:20:10I've been waiting at the crossways over half an hour.

00:20:12Shut up.

00:20:13This is a chief constable.

00:20:14Oh, I didn't know you had a friend.

00:20:16Well, if you'd told me, I'd have brought Aggie.

00:20:18Who is this woman?

00:20:19This is Emily, sir.

00:20:20What's she doing here?

00:20:21She's my bird, sir.

00:20:22You what?

00:20:23She's a bit.

00:20:24She's the parlor maid at the manor.

00:20:25Come on, Emily, run along.

00:20:26We're very busy.

00:20:27Yes, but what about...

00:20:28All right, just a minute, ma'am.

00:20:33What is all this about?

00:20:35Oh, Constable Brown wants to know

00:20:36if he can go to the pictures.

00:20:38Certainly Constable Brown can go to the pictures.

00:20:40Oh, thanks, chief.

00:20:41You wouldn't like to go too, would you?

00:20:43No, I went last Wednesday.

00:20:44And what about you?

00:20:45No, I prefer the book by the fire.

00:20:46Oh, you do?

00:20:47Good night, all.

00:20:48Good night.

00:20:49Good night.

00:20:50Goodbye, what's your name?

00:20:51Abyssinia.

00:20:53Bright little girl, isn't she?

00:20:54Well, chief, what about a little drink?

00:20:56Oh, of course, I'm sorry, they're not open yet.

00:20:58I'll take the jug round the side door.

00:20:59Mrs. Davis will let me have it.

00:21:00What?

00:21:01Yes, she always does.

00:21:02Yeah, that's a good idea.

00:21:03Would you prefer old and mild, or would you like bitter?

00:21:04I think you'd better take the large jug.

00:21:05Stay where you are.

00:21:07When I heard your broadcast,

00:21:08I expected to find it dead of incompetence,

00:21:10but I never thought it would be as bad as this.

00:21:12Letting a constable go to the pictures with a girl,

00:21:14getting drinks out of ours.

00:21:15Is that the way to run a police station?

00:21:17You call this a police force?

00:21:19How old are you?

00:21:20Forty-two.

00:21:21You look more like eighty-two to me.

00:21:22Oh, that's the life he's led.

00:21:23No, it isn't.

00:21:24It's through seeing it what done it.

00:21:26Seeing what?

00:21:27The ghost.

00:21:28What ghost?

00:21:29The ghost of the headless horseman driving us.

00:21:30Horrible it was.

00:21:31I lost my ear, and my teeth fell out, all in a night.

00:21:34Oh, don't take any notice of him.

00:21:36He has hallucinations, too.

00:21:37But it's true.

00:21:38Ah, true.

00:21:39Yes, and I'll tell you once more, I know other people...

00:21:41Remember, I wanted confirmation that this place

00:21:43is run by a pack of idiots.

00:21:44I've got it.

00:21:45The most inefficient and disorganized rabble

00:21:47that ever had the audacity to call itself a police force.

00:21:49Apparently, you consider this blundering incompetence,

00:21:51daring illegality, and outrageous discourtesy

00:21:53to be the normal manifestations of a policeman's duty.

00:21:56You'll hear more than this.

00:22:03Oh, good-bye to you, gentlemen.

00:22:05Good-bye.

00:22:06Thank you for calling.

00:22:07Don't worry, we'll look after everything.

00:22:08Yes.

00:22:09Well, go on.

00:22:10Move along, move along.

00:22:11There's something to see.

00:22:12All right, all right.

00:22:14Now you've offended him.

00:22:16What do you want to tell him

00:22:17a silly, idiotic, daft story like that for?

00:22:19Headless horseman.

00:22:21Well, there is an headless horseman.

00:22:22You ask him down in the village.

00:22:24Have you seen it?

00:22:25No.

00:22:26Well, what do you want to tell him

00:22:27that yarn about you're tea-topping out for?

00:22:28Well, I had to tell him something,

00:22:29otherwise he'd have gone looking up my birth certificate.

00:22:31What, the doomsday book?

00:22:33Well, we'd better start packing.

00:22:35Packing?

00:22:36Well, we might as well be ready for the boot

00:22:37when it does come.

00:22:38What, are we leaving the dear old home?

00:22:40Yes, we're going to be kicked out

00:22:41into the dear old gutter.

00:22:52That looks for good, does it?

00:22:53Oh, you can't go out like that.

00:22:54No.

00:22:55You know, if only we could do something sensational,

00:22:57get the Daily Express behind us,

00:22:58they wouldn't dare sack us.

00:22:59I'll tell you what.

00:23:00What?

00:23:01Couldn't you arrest someone for speeding?

00:23:02Listen, I'm liable to be arrested for murder.

00:23:04What do you think we've been doing?

00:23:05Look where it's got us.

00:23:06All we've got to do is arrest some famous criminal.

00:23:08What criminals are they?

00:23:09Guy Fawkes.

00:23:10Oh, lovely Guy Fawkes.

00:23:11He's dead.

00:23:12He wasn't a criminal.

00:23:13He invented fireworks.

00:23:14There must have been some crime here,

00:23:15some time or another.

00:23:16Haven't we got any records?

00:23:17We've got the old charge books down in the cellar.

00:23:19Well, let's go and have a look at those.

00:23:20All right.

00:23:21Bring your bullseye, will you?

00:23:22Bring the bullseye, please.

00:23:24Here's the bullseye.

00:23:26Can you see?

00:23:27Yeah.

00:23:31There.

00:23:32I say, you're in a bit of a muddle down here, aren't you?

00:23:34I can tidy it up tomorrow.

00:23:36Tomorrow?

00:23:37What's the good of putting off till tomorrow

00:23:38what we can't be here to see?

00:23:39Well, where are your books?

00:23:40Here they are.

00:23:41Oh, yes.

00:23:42Here they are.

00:23:43All right.

00:23:44Let's try this one, shall we?

00:23:46Yes.

00:23:49Oh, I say.

00:23:50Ooh.

00:23:51Ooh?

00:23:52Yes.

00:23:53Uh, 1753.

00:23:55Well, that's going back a bit, isn't it?

00:23:57Yes, it is, yes.

00:23:58Oh, here's a crime.

00:23:59Highway robbery.

00:24:00No, that's no good.

00:24:01That's legal now.

00:24:02Is it?

00:24:03Yes.

00:24:04Daniel Gould was convicted of sheep stealing.

00:24:07Yeah, what did he get?

00:24:08Was sentenced to be hurdled, hanged, drawn, and quartered.

00:24:11Blimey.

00:24:12Oh, gee.

00:24:13Yes, here are George Connachie.

00:24:15Did slay, kill, and willfully murder his wife

00:24:17by throwing her off a cliff.

00:24:18Ooh, what did they do to him?

00:24:20He was fined four and sixpence.

00:24:22That don't seem right, do it?

00:24:24Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake.

00:24:2614 and sixpence.

00:24:28Yes, where was it?

00:24:30Larceny, five and sixpence.

00:24:33Larceny, piracy, treason, resisting the press gang,

00:24:38whistling in church.

00:24:39I mean, these are no good to us.

00:24:41Haven't you got some other books somewhere else?

00:24:43You know, something on up-to-date crime?

00:24:45I've got some Sexton Blakes in the shop library.

00:24:47You have?

00:24:48Yes.

00:24:49Well, why don't you say so

00:24:50instead of wasting our time down here?

00:24:51Come on, let's go and have a look at them.

00:24:53Well, they might give us an idea if nothing else.

00:24:55Here.

00:24:56Huh?

00:24:57Here, you've got a customer, sir.

00:24:58Oh, good evening.

00:24:59Good evening, Sergeant.

00:25:01Anything wrong?

00:25:02Oh, yes, sir.

00:25:03In a way.

00:25:04You see, it's like this, sir.

00:25:06My brother Alfred, he's a lighthouse keeper.

00:25:09And this morning he had to go off

00:25:10on his month's duty in the lighthouse, see?

00:25:13Yes, yes, I see.

00:25:15And he didn't want to go.

00:25:17And why didn't he want to go?

00:25:20Go on, I'll buy it.

00:25:21Why didn't he want to go?

00:25:23Because of our poor old grandmother.

00:25:26She's been ailing for years now, poor soul.

00:25:30And now she's open at death's door.

00:25:33But as I says to Alf, duty is duty.

00:25:37And the lighthouse must be lit.

00:25:39Oh, yes, of course.

00:25:40Then suddenly I gets an idea.

00:25:43How about a signal, I says to Alf?

00:25:46Yes.

00:25:47What did Alf say?

00:25:48Alf says if you could do that, I'd be easy in my mind.

00:25:52All right, I says.

00:25:53Uh, you says.

00:25:54I says, I'll hang up a light

00:25:56where you can see it from the lighthouse.

00:25:58And while that there light's still burning,

00:26:00you'll know our gun is still with us.

00:26:03That's a good idea.

00:26:05So I thought maybe you wouldn't mind

00:26:07if I put it up on top of the tower here

00:26:09so that Alf can see it.

00:26:10This being the highest point hereabouts.

00:26:13Oh, by all means.

00:26:14Why, if anything happened to the old lady,

00:26:16I'd never forgive myself.

00:26:18Up the stairs till you come to the top.

00:26:20Thank you, Sergeant.

00:26:22What's the matter with you?

00:26:24I'm thinking about his poor old grandmother

00:26:27out there alone in a lighthouse.

00:26:30Listen, why don't you listen, you old fool?

00:26:32His grandmother's not in the lighthouse.

00:26:34She's hovering around death's door.

00:26:36And he's putting that light up there

00:26:37so his brother will know that his grandma's light's

00:26:39not been put out.

00:26:44I don't know.

00:26:45I don't know.

00:26:46I don't know.

00:26:47I don't know.

00:26:48I don't know.

00:26:49I don't know.

00:26:50I don't know how I can thank you for this, Sergeant.

00:26:53Oh, that's all right.

00:26:54I mean, anything in the cause of charity.

00:26:56Charity.

00:26:57Here's the box.

00:26:58Oh, there's no need for you to give anything.

00:27:01Half a clump.

00:27:03We'd have done it for nothing, you know.

00:27:05That's all right.

00:27:06Good night, Sergeant.

00:27:07Good night.

00:27:11I was thinking about his poor old granny.

00:27:14And you only want a sentence.

00:27:15Do I?

00:27:16Well, I imagine you've got it.

00:27:17Listen, we're going to look at your sex from Blake.

00:27:20Oh, come on.

00:27:21Where's the crime section?

00:27:22Here you are.

00:27:23Here it is.

00:27:24Dauntless Desmond or the mystery of the blood-stained sheet?

00:27:27Oh, that's a hot one, that is.

00:27:28You want to read page 34 where he's alone with her,

00:27:30in the office.

00:27:31In the what?

00:27:32In the office.

00:27:33Office?

00:27:34You mean office.

00:27:35No, I don't.

00:27:36I mean office.

00:27:37In the oasis.

00:27:38That means he had a date with her.

00:27:39Dauntless Desmond.

00:27:41Should be dirty dick.

00:27:42While you've been playing footy-footy at the pictures,

00:27:44we've reached a crisis.

00:27:45Oh, you'd reached that before I went out.

00:27:47Hey, do you realize, my boy,

00:27:48if we don't find some crime before tomorrow, we're out?

00:27:50Well, you've got a whole shelf full of crime there.

00:27:52There you are, look.

00:27:53Bill the body snatcher, Sam the smuggler cop.

00:27:55Smuggling.

00:27:56Now, there's your crime.

00:27:57Smuggling?

00:27:58Yeah, all we've got to do is to catch some smugglers.

00:28:00Oh, crime.

00:28:01Now, where do we find the smugglers?

00:28:02Oh, we don't find them.

00:28:03We stage a smuggle.

00:28:04We put a keg of brandy on the beach,

00:28:05then we find it with witnesses.

00:28:07Well, what good does that do us?

00:28:08Well, then they'll have to keep us here

00:28:09until we find the smugglers.

00:28:11Alison, how can we find smugglers if there aren't any?

00:28:13We haven't got any brandy either.

00:28:16Well, here, here, I've got some brandy.

00:28:17Oh?

00:28:18What are you doing with brandy?

00:28:19Well, I keep it in case I get too thankful.

00:28:21Too thankful?

00:28:22The only thing you're likely to get is gummy.

00:28:23Well, come on.

00:28:24Don't waste time.

00:28:25Don't get the brandy.

00:28:26Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:28:27Who's in charge here?

00:28:28You were, but you got the bullet.

00:28:29I got nothing of the kind.

00:28:30The bullet may be on the way, but until it actually lands,

00:28:32you'll take your orders from me.

00:28:33And I'm having nothing at all to do with it.

00:28:35It's not safe.

00:28:36Well, please yourself.

00:28:37Come on, Joey.

00:28:38We want to keep our jobs.

00:28:39Hey, do you mean to tell me you're going to defy me

00:28:41and go through with it?

00:28:42Certainly.

00:28:43Oh, well, what about me?

00:28:44Well, you can help if you like.

00:28:45Oh, thank you very much.

00:28:46And, uh, what do I do?

00:28:47All we do is we put the keg of brandy on the beach,

00:28:49then go for a witness.

00:28:50All right, who puts the keg of brandy on the beach?

00:28:52You and Harbottle.

00:28:53I do.

00:28:54I suppose you go and get the witness.

00:28:55Yeah, it's all right, isn't it?

00:28:56No, it isn't all right.

00:28:57You put the brandy on the beach, and I'll go and get the witness.

00:29:05There's a storm coming up, ain't there, Terry?

00:29:07You're telling me.

00:29:08All right.

00:29:11Put it down there.

00:29:19Now, what's your name and address?

00:29:207 Monroe, Six Fisherman's Cottages.

00:29:23All right, well, you'll be hearing from us officially.

00:29:26Thank you very much.

00:29:27Good night.

00:29:28Good night.

00:29:31There's a...

00:29:32I know, I know.

00:29:33There's a storm coming up.

00:29:38Hello?

00:29:39Hello?

00:29:40Oh, give me a door, Mr. 6666.

00:29:42I want the chief constable.

00:29:43This is very urgent.

00:29:45Hello?

00:29:46Hello?

00:29:47Come on.

00:29:48Look, I know I'm in a hurry.

00:29:49This is very important.

00:29:50I don't care if the chief constable is in bed.

00:29:52You get him out of bed.

00:29:53I want to talk to him at once.

00:29:54Hey, hey, what are you two trying to do?

00:29:56Spoil everything?

00:29:57Onesie, no?

00:29:58One what?

00:29:59One keg of brandy.

00:30:00What are you talking about?

00:30:01Chief constable?

00:30:02Yeah.

00:30:03All right, I'll hang on.

00:30:04What are you ringing the chief constable up for?

00:30:05Tell him about the keg of brandy on the beach.

00:30:06We haven't taken it down yet.

00:30:07That's what I'm talking...

00:30:08What?

00:30:09We haven't taken it down yet.

00:30:10Yeah, when we filled it, we couldn't lift it,

00:30:11so we've been emptying it.

00:30:12That's right.

00:30:13What are you blibbering idiots babbling about?

00:30:14I've just brought the keg of brandy

00:30:15from the beaches we arranged.

00:30:16But you couldn't have done.

00:30:17Well, there it is.

00:30:18Blimey, another one.

00:30:19That's an itch.

00:30:20What, do you mean to tell me that...

00:30:21Hello?

00:30:22Hello?

00:30:23It's the chief constable.

00:30:24Now what am I going to tell him?

00:30:25Well, you rang him up, you think of something.

00:30:26Oh, dear.

00:30:28Oh, I didn't.

00:30:29Oh, wrong number.

00:30:30Oh, I said that.

00:30:31Oh.

00:30:32Beach run.

00:30:33Good stuff, too.

00:30:34Yeah, well, you leave that alone.

00:30:35It doesn't belong to you.

00:30:36Well, who does it belong to?

00:30:37Oh, that's what we're going to try and find out.

00:30:38Yeah, are you sure you didn't put that one on the beach?

00:30:39Yeah.

00:30:40We've only got one keg, and there it is.

00:30:41Well, where's the other one?

00:30:42Oh, there it is.

00:30:43Oh, dear.

00:30:44Oh, dear.

00:30:45Oh, dear.

00:30:46Oh, dear.

00:30:47Oh, dear.

00:30:48Oh, dear.

00:30:49Oh, dear.

00:30:50Oh, dear.

00:30:51Oh, dear.

00:30:52Oh, dear.

00:30:53Oh, dear.

00:30:54Oh, dear.

00:30:55Oh, dear.

00:30:56Oh, where'd the other one come from, then?

00:30:57Perhaps it's been washed up by the sea.

00:30:59Oh, what does it matter what it was washed up by?

00:31:01Did it do just as well?

00:31:02Does it affect our story?

00:31:03If it don't belong to anybody, let's drink it.

00:31:05And what will that get us?

00:31:06A good booze-up.

00:31:07Yeah, a good booze-up.

00:31:08All our plans mucked up.

00:31:10We cast our bread upon the waters,

00:31:11and back comes a keg of rum that we don't want.

00:31:14Get three glasses.

00:31:15Yes, sir.

00:31:17Oh, it's gone!

00:31:18What?

00:31:19Woo!

00:31:20Ah!

00:31:22What was that?

00:31:23Perhaps it was the wind.

00:31:24Ah!

00:31:26Help!

00:31:27Well, that wasn't the wind, anyway.

00:31:29No.

00:31:30There's someone at the door.

00:31:31Help!

00:31:32Help!

00:31:33Well, go on, let her in.

00:31:35You do it.

00:31:36You're in charge.

00:31:37Harvard, open that door.

00:31:38Of me?

00:31:39Early closing.

00:31:40Shopping.

00:31:41Hey, you can't be shopping in an emergency like this.

00:31:44She's stopped.

00:31:45Perhaps she's gone home.

00:31:46Don't be ridiculous.

00:31:47She wouldn't shut up her mouth like that and then go home.

00:31:49Maybe she's come to the wrong house.

00:31:50Well, open the door and have a look.

00:31:52Hey, why me?

00:31:53Come on.

00:31:54Come on.

00:32:02Oh!

00:32:03Oh!

00:32:04Oh!

00:32:05Oh, dear!

00:32:06Help!

00:32:07Help!

00:32:08Help!

00:32:09Police!

00:32:10Police!

00:32:11Shut up, you old idiot.

00:32:12We are the police.

00:32:13Blimey!

00:32:14It's Emily.

00:32:15I better feel her heart.

00:32:16Here, knock it.

00:32:17She's my bird.

00:32:18Jerry, fetch me some water.

00:32:19Well, she's not afraid, is she?

00:32:21She's coming round.

00:32:24Oh, Albert!

00:32:25Albert!

00:32:26I've seen it!

00:32:27I've seen it!

00:32:28Hey, what have you been showing this poor girl?

00:32:30I don't know what she's talking about.

00:32:31She was all right when she left me.

00:32:33Here she comes again.

00:32:35Oh, it was horrible.

00:32:36It's all right.

00:32:37It's all right.

00:32:38Come on.

00:32:39Get the chair.

00:32:40Get the chair.

00:32:41That's all right now.

00:32:42You're in good hands now.

00:32:43Come on.

00:32:44That's right.

00:32:45Sit down.

00:32:46There.

00:32:47That's right.

00:32:48Now, would you care to make a statement?

00:32:49Just exactly what happened?

00:32:51I see.

00:32:52Been to pictures with Constable Brown in bus.

00:32:56Then I went home.

00:32:57And all of a sudden, I remembered a letter I had to post.

00:32:59So I got on my bicycle to go to the pillbox.

00:33:02And just as I got to the five crossways...

00:33:04Were you assaulted?

00:33:05No.

00:33:06What a pity.

00:33:07We could have taken the steps.

00:33:09Well, I just got to the five crossways

00:33:11when all of a sudden, galloping towards me,

00:33:13there was a nurse with no head.

00:33:15A what?

00:33:16A driver had no head.

00:33:17Oh, Ed.

00:33:18There was a nurse with an headless horseman.

00:33:20There, there.

00:33:21Come here.

00:33:22She been going out with you two?

00:33:23No, no.

00:33:24Well, how's it she's got the same story that you've got?

00:33:26I don't know.

00:33:27It's true, I tell you.

00:33:28I saw it.

00:33:29Poor kid.

00:33:30Feeling better?

00:33:31Yes, I'm OK now.

00:33:32I'd better get the police car out and take her home.

00:33:33Well, leave us here by ourselves.

00:33:35Not likely.

00:33:36We'll all take her home.

00:33:37Frightened?

00:33:38Certainly not.

00:33:39I'm sick of the young lady's reputation.

00:33:40Come on, my dear.

00:33:48Hello, me.

00:33:49Okey-doke, Sergeant.

00:33:50Thanks for the buggy ride.

00:33:51Good night.

00:33:52Good night.

00:33:53Good night, Toots.

00:33:54Good night, honey.

00:33:55Good night.

00:33:56Good night.

00:33:57Good night.

00:33:58Come on, Toots.

00:33:59Turn around and step on it.

00:34:00Wait a minute.

00:34:01The water rally's not here.

00:34:02What?

00:34:03It's all sealed.

00:34:04Good night, honey.

00:34:05Good night.

00:34:06It must be about one o'clock.

00:34:11I haven't been out so late since my daddy got married.

00:34:25Eh?

00:34:26Yes, his fourth wife.

00:34:27Oh, I see.

00:34:28Here.

00:34:29I hope we don't meet that phantom herse.

00:34:30That's a lot of poppycock.

00:34:33Whoever heard of a headless driver?

00:34:35Wouldn't be able to pass his tests.

00:34:37Still, Emily must mean something that scared her.

00:34:39Ah, maybe she saw her bottle through the window.

00:34:41You can't believe all an hysterical girl can.

00:34:46What's the matter? What did you pull off for?

00:34:52The Phantom Hearse!

00:34:53Phantom Hearse. It's a horse and cow with his tail out on fire.

00:34:57It's the Phantom Hearse, I tell you. Those are the Phantom Flames.

00:34:59Look at the driver's head!

00:35:01What's the matter with his head?

00:35:02Well, don't talk to us inside. We're the only goodie tucked in.

00:35:04What are you worried about? It's not coming this way.

00:35:06That's just what it is, do it!

00:35:11Hey, hey, put your light out!

00:35:12Give me all the glass birds. Let it go by.

00:35:14But where's the bloody glass birds?

00:35:17Oh, he's gonna get us like that!

00:35:18Go on, let him in the Hearse. He's gotta be gloomy.

00:35:20Put it in reverse.

00:35:33What's happened to him again? Swim in quick, come on!

00:35:38Oh, just made it.

00:35:39I sure thought you should have kept your eyes on the road instead of talking so much.

00:35:43Yes, well, anyway, we needn't go any further.

00:35:46We give the flaming hearse to slip.

00:35:57Hey, listen, listen.

00:35:59What's the matter?

00:36:00Oops!

00:36:01Oops?

00:36:02Blimey! It's followed us in here!

00:36:14See where it went?

00:36:15No! Where did it go?

00:36:16Well, it went in the garage. If you'd kept your eyes open, you'd see where it went.

00:36:19It's no more the ghost than he is.

00:36:20Can we say it's just gone through the doors?

00:36:22No, no, the doors opened and let it in.

00:36:24Oh, no, I hope it didn't.

00:36:25Well, how do I know?

00:36:26Perhaps they're ghost doors.

00:36:27Ghost doors. I'll show you whether they're ghosts or not.

00:36:29Come on, Oxygen, come on.

00:36:42Come on, open up in the name of the law.

00:36:46Come on, it'll be all the worse for you if you don't.

00:36:49What are you standing there for? What don't they be afraid of?

00:36:51Look, I'll tell you what we'll do.

00:36:52You put on the one door, and I'll put on the other.

00:36:55Well, that's funny. Where's he gone to?

00:36:57Well, he's gone right through and out the other side.

00:37:00Gone through the other side. Don't be ridiculous.

00:37:03Why, this is a solid wall.

00:37:05Hey, do you know where we are?

00:37:06No.

00:37:07This is the Squire's garage.

00:37:08Is it?

00:37:09Come here, let's knock him up and tell him.

00:37:10Tell him what?

00:37:11We're in his garage.

00:37:12Yeah, well, that's a bright idea, isn't it?

00:37:14Well, let's examine these walls properly.

00:37:16Let's go.

00:37:17Let's go.

00:37:18Let's go.

00:37:19Let's go.

00:37:20Let's go.

00:37:21Let's go.

00:37:22Let's go.

00:37:23Let's examine these walls properly.

00:37:34Here, here.

00:37:35I want to tell you something.

00:37:36Here.

00:37:37What's the matter?

00:37:38I want to tell you something.

00:37:39Yes?

00:37:40There's only three of us, and there's four shadows on the wall.

00:37:42Oh, yes.

00:37:44One, two, three, four.

00:37:46Oh, you're right, Kelly.

00:37:47Yes.

00:37:48You're right.

00:37:49There's one over.

00:37:50I'll tell you something else.

00:37:51What?

00:37:52Cut to it.

00:37:53Oh!

00:37:54Oh!

00:37:57Oh!

00:37:58Oh!

00:37:59Oh! Oh!

00:38:01Oh, Robbie!

00:38:02Oh! Oh!

00:38:23Do you believe me now? You've seen the idiot off the ground now, ain't you?

00:38:26Don't be silly. It's a lot of nonsense.

00:38:27I expect there's a scientific explanation for the door.

00:38:29Answer that phone!

00:38:30Not me. It might be the headless horseman.

00:38:32If he hasn't got a head, how can he talk into a phone?

00:38:34Albert, you answer it.

00:38:37Hello?

00:38:39It's the Chief Constable.

00:38:40Good heavens.

00:38:49Good evening, sir.

00:38:50I've been trying to get you for half an hour.

00:38:52Where have you been?

00:38:53Well, as a matter of fact, we've been out on a job.

00:38:56He says, what sort of a job?

00:38:57Tell him about the headless horseman.

00:38:59You think I should?

00:39:00Of course. We've all seen it.

00:39:01Oh. Er, you remember that story that Constable Harbottle told you about the ghost that made his teeth drop out?

00:39:09Yes.

00:39:11Yes.

00:39:13Yes.

00:39:15It's all your fault, that is.

00:39:17Er, yes, I'm listening, Chief. I'm listening.

00:39:19Then stop giving me all this preposterous bilge about ghosts.

00:39:22Do you realise there's smuggling going on in your district?

00:39:24Smuggling?

00:39:25Oh, yes, we know all about that.

00:39:27Our witness must have been talking.

00:39:28Oh, we've got all the evidence. A whole kegful.

00:39:30Kegful? We've just been informed that whole boatloads have been smuggled in.

00:39:34Boatloads?

00:39:35Well, there must be real smugglers then.

00:39:37I mean others.

00:39:38Now listen.

00:39:39One of His Majesty's revenue cutters in Mid Channel has observed a light in the neighbourhood of Turn Bottom Round.

00:39:44Yes.

00:39:45They believe this light's being used as a steering light for smugglers.

00:39:48Oh.

00:39:50Oh, dear.

00:39:51Albert, take this down.

00:39:53From the east side of Drake's Seat, to a point due north,

00:39:57from Shoe Hill off Turn Bottom Round,

00:40:00by north-east, west, by north.

00:40:02Aye, aye, chap.

00:40:04Have you got all that?

00:40:05How do you spell aye, aye?

00:40:06Listen, Albert, you get the ordnance man.

00:40:07This is our big chance.

00:40:08If only we can stop that light and make an arrest, then he can't sack us.

00:40:11You get the compass.

00:40:12There's no telling where this will lead to.

00:40:14Might get us a promotion.

00:40:15Here's the compass.

00:40:16Ten minutes past.

00:40:17Well, that's all right. It doesn't matter.

00:40:18What do you mean it's ten minutes past?

00:40:19How can we find where we are with a thing like that?

00:40:21It's easy.

00:40:22You point the north to the north-west, and the north-east gives you south.

00:40:24Yeah, that's right.

00:40:25But suppose we want to go north?

00:40:26Give me those bearings. I'll find it.

00:40:28All right. Go on, then.

00:40:29Oh, look. There's the channel.

00:40:31There's North Rock, isn't it there?

00:40:32Yeah, there's the knock.

00:40:33Now, if we bring a line from there...

00:40:35Evening, all.

00:40:37Oh, evening.

00:40:38Can I take my lamp down now, Sergeant?

00:40:40Down? Why, is Jo's grandmother...

00:40:43Here.

00:40:44Oh.

00:40:46She's much better now.

00:40:48Well, I'm glad about that anyway.

00:40:50Well, you can find your own way up, can't you?

00:40:52We're very busy just now.

00:40:53All right. I'll get them, Sergeant.

00:40:56Who's that?

00:40:57Coast Guard.

00:40:58I've never seen him round here before.

00:40:59What's he want?

00:41:00Well, when you were out courting,

00:41:01he came round here and told us that the...

00:41:04Oh, you mind your own business.

00:41:05Go on, get on with your bearings.

00:41:06You found that light yet?

00:41:07Well, give us a chance.

00:41:08Haven't we just found Drake Sea?

00:41:09Oh, here we are.

00:41:11North by Point East.

00:41:13That brings us here.

00:41:15North-east by Shoe Rock.

00:41:16That brings us here.

00:41:17Yes, well, what does it say where the lines intersect?

00:41:19Hmm.

00:41:20It says the police station.

00:41:22Police station?

00:41:24Ha! Well, that's ridiculous, isn't it?

00:41:26I mean, there's no lamp hanging...

00:41:30Oh.

00:41:31There.

00:41:32Didn't that bloke say something about fetching down a lamp?

00:41:34That's right.

00:41:35Yes.

00:41:36Ah, but still, that's something at all to do with it.

00:41:38That's for the fellow on the lighthouse.

00:41:40His grandmother's ill, you see.

00:41:41And as long as he can see that light,

00:41:42then he knows his grandmother hasn't started to burn.

00:41:44I mean, his grandmother hasn't put a...

00:41:45Well, it's a signal for his grandmother anyway.

00:41:47Well, it sounds fishy to me.

00:41:48I'll tell you about it.

00:41:49Now, don't you start.

00:41:50Whose grandmother is she?

00:41:51It's his brother Joe's grandmother.

00:41:52Well, who's Joe?

00:41:53Joe's the fellow on the lighthouse.

00:41:54I want to tell you something.

00:41:55You won't tell us anything.

00:41:56Listen, it's easy enough to check up.

00:41:57All we've got to do is to find out

00:41:58whether his brother Joe really keeps the lighthouse.

00:42:00Well, I don't want to tell you

00:42:01what I was going to tell you, Nancy.

00:42:02Oh, all right, peevish.

00:42:03Come on, what is it?

00:42:04Well, I've lived here 60 years,

00:42:05and I've never seen a lighthouse.

00:42:07No, neither have I.

00:42:08You haven't?

00:42:09Well, why didn't you tell me that

00:42:10when we let him put the light up

00:42:12instead of crying your eyes out?

00:42:13I was sorry for his poor old granny.

00:42:15Sorry for his granny?

00:42:16If he hasn't got a lighthouse,

00:42:17how can he have a granny?

00:42:18Well, I've got a granny,

00:42:19but I've never had a lighthouse.

00:42:22Oh, what shall we do?

00:42:24It's all right.

00:42:25Leave it to me.

00:42:26I'll deal with him.

00:42:30Good night, all.

00:42:32Good night.

00:42:35Here, I thought you were going to deal with him.

00:42:37What do you expect me to do, arrest him?

00:42:39Of course.

00:42:40Let everybody know that the light

00:42:41was on top of our police station.

00:42:42That's a bright idea.

00:42:43Well, what are we going to do?

00:42:44Well, now we know how it's worked,

00:42:45we can plant the light on someone else.

00:42:47Look, look here.

00:42:49Bring that line down here, you see,

00:42:50so that it puts the light on top of the pub.

00:42:54Whoa!

00:42:57It's a pebble.

00:42:58I wonder what they want to wrap it up for.

00:43:00Give me that.

00:43:01There may be a message on it.

00:43:04Well, I like that.

00:43:05Fred Jackson Draper, turn bottom round.

00:43:07Let me Jackson advertising again.

00:43:09Well, that window's going to cost him

00:43:10one of sixpence anyway.

00:43:11Here, wait a minute.

00:43:12There's something on the other side.

00:43:13What?

00:43:14Keep your nose out of things that don't concern you.

00:43:18Dead men tell no tales.

00:43:20You have been warned.

00:43:22What's that?

00:43:23Have you heard anything that don't concern you?

00:43:24Dead men tell...

00:43:26Well, what does that mean?

00:43:28It couldn't be much plainer, could it?

00:43:29Yeah.

00:43:30Well, that's nonsense.

00:43:31They can't threaten us.

00:43:32We're the police.

00:43:33So what could they do?

00:43:34Supposing that pebble had been a bomb, eh?

00:43:37Don't talk nonsense.

00:43:38This is England.

00:43:39They don't throw bombs here.

00:43:41Shh.

00:43:42What is it?

00:43:43Can you hear a ticking sound?

00:43:45No.

00:43:46I can.

00:43:48It's the clock.

00:43:49What's the matter with you?

00:43:50Well, it can't be the clock.

00:43:51It's got no works.

00:43:53Well, what is it?

00:43:54The bombs.

00:43:58I can only hear it faintly now.

00:44:00Sounds really near to me.

00:44:03Oh, I think it's in here.

00:44:05I can hear it now.

00:44:06It's somewhere about here.

00:44:07It's...

00:44:10It's on you.

00:44:11I can't hear anything.

00:44:14Help! Help!

00:44:16Hey!

00:44:17What are you hiding for?

00:44:18You can't do nothing.

00:44:19Leave the fire out.

00:44:20What for?

00:44:21What for?

00:44:22Do as you're told.

00:44:23I want to deal with bombs.

00:44:24That is the ARP.

00:44:25Come on.

00:44:26Here you go.

00:44:27Oh.

00:44:28Oh.

00:44:30Oh.

00:44:35There you are.

00:44:36That was a gallant deed.

00:44:37And you saw me do it.

00:44:39There.

00:44:47Hey, watches.

00:44:48Where did you get these?

00:44:49Oh, I picked that parcel up in the garage.

00:44:51Oh.

00:44:52Swiss watches.

00:44:53Here, they say there'd be a duty on these.

00:44:55Supposing they were smuggled as well?

00:44:57What, you mean the hearse isn't a ghost after all?

00:44:59I'll tell you something else.

00:45:00Hey, don't you start.

00:45:01I'm going to find out where that hearse has gone.

00:45:03There's far too much disappearing around here.

00:45:05First the keg, then the hearse.

00:45:06If it only wants him to disappear, we'd all be happy.

00:45:08Yes, but I wonder...

00:45:09Ah, shut up.

00:45:10Oh, I didn't want to hear about the lighthouse, did you?

00:45:12Why, I'll keep my secret to myself.

00:45:14Well, I don't suppose we've missed anything.

00:45:16It's about the hearse.

00:45:17Legend says it has something to do with smuggling.

00:45:20Eh?

00:45:21What's that?

00:45:22Tells you how it was done and where they came from.

00:45:24Well, what is the legend?

00:45:25Won't tell you.

00:45:26Oh, come on, cough it up.

00:45:29It's in rhyme.

00:45:30All right.

00:45:31When the tide runs low in the devil's cove,

00:45:33And the headless horseman is seen above,

00:45:35He drives along with his wild aloe,

00:45:37Lickety-spit, lickety-spit.

00:45:40Lickety-spit, lickety-spit.

00:45:42Oh, yeah, I put that bit in because I forgot the last line.

00:45:44Well, try and remember it.

00:45:45Very likely it contains the clue to the whole thing.

00:45:47Oh, it's no good.

00:45:48That's why I put the spit in.

00:45:49Oh.

00:45:50Here.

00:45:51Would it be, as he drives along with the wild aloe,

00:45:53And into the garage the whole lot go?

00:45:55Into the garage.

00:45:56You might as well say,

00:45:57They go in the garage because they couldn't stop

00:45:59Flippity-flop, flippity-flop.

00:46:01No, that's not it.

00:46:03Listen, anybody knows this last line?

00:46:05Yes, there's one man.

00:46:06Who?

00:46:07My father.

00:46:08Who?

00:46:09My father.

00:46:10Your father?

00:46:11Yes.

00:46:12Hey, he's not the fellow that drives the hearse, is he?

00:46:13No.

00:46:14Well, how good would your father be to us anyway?

00:46:15Well, we can get in communication with him.

00:46:16What do you mean, by wrapping on a table?

00:46:17No, wrapping on his door.

00:46:19You don't mean to tell me you've got a father living?

00:46:21Yes.

00:46:22Well, what do they hold the old fellow together with?

00:46:23Wire?

00:46:24Yes, I suppose.

00:46:25Up along Turn Bottom West.

00:46:26Come on, I'll take you there.

00:46:27Come on, we're going to meet Adam.

00:46:41Who is it?

00:46:43Tell me, me, Daddy.

00:46:44Well, don't stand over there.

00:46:46Come over here, where I can see you.

00:46:55Oh, it's you, is it?

00:46:56What are you doing here?

00:46:57School broken up?

00:46:58Here.

00:46:59Who are you?

00:47:00I'm Sergeant Dudford of the local police.

00:47:02Oh, copper, eh?

00:47:03Well, what's the young rascal been up to this time?

00:47:05Breaking windows again?

00:47:07Breaking windows?

00:47:08What, at his age?

00:47:09Takes him all his time to break the bread to put in his milk.

00:47:11Well, what do you want to wake me up at this time of the night for?

00:47:14Eh?

00:47:15Well, it's like this, Dad.

00:47:16Oh, you shut up.

00:47:17I'll tell him.

00:47:18You see, it's like this, Dad.

00:47:19We want your advice.

00:47:20Yes, we want to know the last of it.

00:47:22Oh, I know lots of old rhymes.

00:47:26Yes, I'll bet you do.

00:47:28But it's not one of those.

00:47:29Now listen.

00:47:30When the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove

00:47:32and the headless horseman's seen above

00:47:34as he drives along with a wild hello

00:47:37something, something, something, oh.

00:47:39Now, do you remember it?

00:47:40Yes, I remember it.

00:47:41When the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove

00:47:44and the headless horseman is seen above

00:47:46he's driving along with his wild hello

00:47:49Yes?

00:47:52What's the last line?

00:47:53Why, you silly old...

00:47:55You old gentleman, that's what we come to you for.

00:47:57Oh, come on, Daddy.

00:47:58Try and think.

00:47:59Don't tell him me.

00:48:00Don't tell him me.

00:48:01I've got it on the tip of my tongue.

00:48:02Well, all right.

00:48:03Stick your tongue out.

00:48:04Let's have a look at it.

00:48:05Something, something, something, oh.

00:48:07He drives along with his wild hello.

00:48:10Yeah, yeah, we've had all that.

00:48:11What we want is the something, something, something, oh.

00:48:14Oh.

00:48:15Oh.

00:48:16Oh.

00:48:17Oh.

00:48:18Listen.

00:48:19Take your mind back.

00:48:20Forget all about what happened lately.

00:48:22Don't worry about Balaclava.

00:48:23Listen.

00:48:24As he drives along with a wild hello.

00:48:27I've got it.

00:48:28I've got it.

00:48:29I've got it.

00:48:30Now, as the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove

00:48:33and the headless horseman is seen above

00:48:35he drives along with his wild hello.

00:48:38That's the time when the smugglers go out

00:48:40in their little boats to the schooner

00:48:42and bring back the kegs of brandy and rum

00:48:44and put them in the devil's mouth.

00:48:46That's the time when the smugglers go out

00:48:48in their little boats to the schooner

00:48:50and bring back the kegs of brandy and rum

00:48:52and put them in the devil's cave below.

00:48:54See?

00:48:55See what?

00:48:56That's the last line.

00:48:58It doesn't even rhyme.

00:49:00Oh, yes, it does.

00:49:02Now, listen.

00:49:03As he drives along with his wild hello.

00:49:06That's the time when the smugglers go out

00:49:08in their little boats to the schooner

00:49:10and bring back the kegs of brandy and rum

00:49:12and put them in the devil's cave below.

00:49:14I'm not surprised.

00:49:16Yes, it's made me feel quite hoarse.

00:49:18I think I'll have a go. Have one?

00:49:20Yes, made me hoarse listening to you.

00:49:22I'll have a black currant.

00:49:24Black currant.

00:49:25Why, what's the matter?

00:49:26They're very nice. Don't you like them?

00:49:27No, I always put them back.

00:49:30Devil's cave below?

00:49:33Below what?

00:49:34Below the cliff.

00:49:35Cave below the cliff?

00:49:36I've never seen any cave.

00:49:37Ah, that high water it's coming up.

00:49:39You never look when the tide's out.

00:49:41I've been there hundreds of times.

00:49:43What for?

00:49:44Smuggling.

00:49:45What?

00:49:46Well, you come of a nice family, don't you?

00:49:48Well, come on, the tide's low now.

00:49:50If we hurry, we might catch the smugglers red-handed.

00:49:52Oh, no, you won't.

00:49:53They'd never find the channel.

00:49:55Oh, why not?

00:49:56Because the light they used to steer by

00:49:57doesn't hang there anymore.

00:49:59Ah, that's what you think.

00:50:01Well, kiss your daddy goodnight and we'll go.

00:50:02Here, don't go anywhere.

00:50:03Stop and have a cup of tea.

00:50:05Ma, Ma!

00:50:07Ma?

00:50:08Hey, nobody tell me you've got a mother.

00:50:09Has he?

00:50:10No, that's his wife.

00:50:11He married again at 96.

00:50:12Oh, I see.

00:50:13Calf love, eh?

00:50:14Yes, well, go on.

00:50:15We haven't any time for tea.

00:50:16Aren't you going to see the old lady?

00:50:18Ha, not likely.

00:50:19I'll stand for Adam, but I'm bloody well stand for Eve.

00:50:23Goodnight, Daddy.

00:50:27Come on.

00:50:28Hurry up.

00:50:29Get them in.

00:50:30The tide will be in in half an hour.

00:50:43Well, here's a cove, but where's the cave?

00:50:47Oh, there it is.

00:50:49Oh.

00:50:52Look.

00:50:55Ah, well, I wonder why we've never seen this place before.

00:50:57First time I've been this far.

00:50:59Well, that's a nice admission to make.

00:51:00This is part of your beat.

00:51:04Oops.

00:51:08Now, go on, get your boots off.

00:51:10What, go paddling in November?

00:51:11Oh, not me.

00:51:12Hey, do you realize this is your superior officer talking?

00:51:14Yeah, talking a lot of fields.

00:51:16Well, listen, you can go in with your boots on or your boots off,

00:51:18but you're going in anyway.

00:51:19Heartless.

00:51:20That's what you are.

00:51:21We're going to catch our death of cold.

00:51:22It's full of it.

00:51:23That's what it is.

00:51:24It's full of it.

00:51:25Hey, look here.

00:51:26Look here.

00:51:27What's this?

00:51:31It's rum.

00:51:33Here, sir.

00:51:35It's rum.

00:51:36Here, sir.

00:51:37Drop us some more over there.

00:51:38We're on the right track.

00:51:39Yes, well, get that out of the water and put it up there.

00:51:41That's another little bit of evidence for you.

00:51:47Hey, I thought you said there was no lighthouse about here.

00:51:49That's not a lighthouse.

00:51:50It's a revenue cutter.

00:51:52Are you sure they're policemen?

00:51:53Well, they've got police uniforms on and they're running a cargo all right.

00:51:56If that isn't a keg of liquor they're carrying, I'll eat my hat.

00:51:59Wait a minute.

00:52:00Give me those glasses.

00:52:02Well, what do they want?

00:52:03Probably looking for the smugglers.

00:52:04Oh, are they?

00:52:05Interfering.

00:52:06I see.

00:52:07Well, there are smugglers, but we're going to get them first.

00:52:09Oh, follow me.

00:52:19Hey, do you realize that police station's on the highest point around here?

00:52:22I'll bet that's where that light was.

00:52:24Tell Jones the radio dorm is to police immediately.

00:52:26Right.

00:52:27Johnson.

00:52:28Sir.

00:52:29Lower the starboard boat.

00:52:30Yes, sir.

00:52:31I say, don't you think we'd better turn back now?

00:52:33It's getting a bit deep here, you know.

00:52:35Deep?

00:52:36What do you mean, deep?

00:52:37Your feet are still touching the bottom, aren't they?

00:52:38It's all right for you.

00:52:39You're taller than me.

00:52:40Well, hang on to our spaces.

00:52:41Stop moaning.

00:52:42You'd better keep your chins up here.

00:52:44It dips a bit.

00:52:47A bit cold.

00:52:57Well, our bottle's stopped moaning.

00:52:58How is he?

00:52:59Oh, he's all right.

00:53:00He's been on to my weight.

00:53:01Oh, good.

00:53:02That's it.

00:53:03Hey, he's underwater.

00:53:04Get him up out of there.

00:53:05Hey, what are you doing down there, you chump?

00:53:07Oh.

00:53:08Oh, that's probably bad.

00:53:09Five gallons of water.

00:53:10Oh, it's a pity you didn't swallow some more.

00:53:12You'd have made it shallower.

00:53:13Well, climb on his shoulders.

00:53:14Go on.

00:53:15Shoulder?

00:53:16Yes, that's right.

00:53:17Don't push me under.

00:53:18Up you go.

00:53:19Now, you carry.

00:53:20What's the matter?

00:53:21What's the matter?

00:53:22Shrimp.

00:53:23Shrimp?

00:53:24Well, you carry this lamp.

00:53:25That'll give you something to do.

00:53:26All right.

00:53:27All right.

00:53:28Now, follow me.

00:53:29It's patrol boat D6.

00:53:30They're reporting smuggling in Devil's Cave.

00:53:32Well, why don't they get in touch with the local police station?

00:53:34Sounds incredible, sir.

00:53:36They think the local police are working in with the smugglers.

00:53:38What?

00:53:39That's ridiculous.

00:53:41Where is Devil's Cave?

00:53:42The low town bottom round, sir.

00:53:43The town bottom round?

00:53:44Why, that's...

00:53:45I might have known.

00:53:46Call out the squad car.

00:53:47Yes, sir.

00:53:48Tell them we'll have some men down there right away.

00:53:50Oh.

00:53:51Oh.

00:53:52Oh, come on, hurry up.

00:53:53How can I hurry up with the old man in the sea on me back?

00:53:56Here, here, let's go over.

00:53:57We'll go there to swim, boys.

00:53:58No, you won't have to swim, boys.

00:53:59It won't get any deeper than this.

00:54:01Oh, no.

00:54:02Oh.

00:54:03Oh.

00:54:04There you are.

00:54:05How dare you let me swim.

00:54:06I didn't swim, I sunk.

00:54:07Oh, look, the landing stage.

00:54:08Oh, yes.

00:54:09Well, they've been doing a bit of landing there too, haven't they?

00:54:11Oh, yes.

00:54:12Oh, look, there's a tunnel here.

00:54:18Now we shall find out where they are.

00:54:20Well, there's another tunnel there.

00:54:22They might have gone either way.

00:54:24I want to watch in all these.

00:54:28Oh, Bernie, a club.

00:54:30Yes.

00:54:31Oh, look, there's a lot more.

00:54:33Perhaps somebody's going to open a club down here.

00:54:35And who are they going to sell the stuff to?

00:54:37Mermaids?

00:54:38Well, look, there's a tunnel here and there's a tunnel there.

00:54:40We'd better toss up, see which one we'll take.

00:54:42Now, Hedge, we go this way.

00:54:43And tails, we go out.

00:54:44Yes, we don't go home until we've found the smugglers.

00:54:46Come on, give me a penny.

00:54:47I haven't got one.

00:54:48Penny, Albert.

00:54:49In the money box.

00:54:50Well, we can't toss up, can we?

00:54:51Hey.

00:54:52Cigarette.

00:54:53Still burning too.

00:54:54Oh, circus.

00:54:55Hey, hey, don't smoke it.

00:54:56That's a clue.

00:54:57Well, this proves they've gone this way, doesn't it?

00:54:59Yeah.

00:55:00All right, come on off.

00:55:01All right.

00:55:02All right.

00:55:08Boys, boys, boys, boys.

00:55:10Come on, put some beef in it.

00:55:15Oh.

00:55:16Well, we gazed somewhere anyway.

00:55:17Oh, I thought those stats would never end.

00:55:19Yeah.

00:55:20Oh, I sure did.

00:55:21Hey, look at all these barrels here.

00:55:23Oh, yes.

00:55:24Looks as if we struck a beer mine.

00:55:25Have you ever heard of a beer mine?

00:55:27I don't know.

00:55:28You say mine's a beer.

00:55:29Yeah, yours would be a thick ear if you don't shut up.

00:55:31Here, there's a box of candles.

00:55:33Well, that's a funny thing to smuggle.

00:55:35There's no duty on candles.

00:55:36Ah, perhaps they come from abroad.

00:55:38They may be Roman candles.

00:55:39Well, I wonder what's in that crate.

00:55:40Oh, soap.

00:55:41Soap?

00:55:42How do you know?

00:55:43Why, because mine comes in a case like this.

00:55:44Tear soap.

00:55:45Ah, but very likely the soap's only camouflage.

00:55:47No, it isn't.

00:55:48It's cast iron.

00:55:49Oh, look, there's a label on the side.

00:55:50Yes, show a light.

00:55:53Hey, it's got your name on it.

00:55:54Has it?

00:55:55Yes.

00:55:56Now, what's it doing down here?

00:55:57Ah, that's what I'd like to know.

00:55:58So would I.

00:55:59Oh, look.

00:56:00Here.

00:56:01This is the box I keep my tapioca in.

00:56:03Somebody must have raided our cellar.

00:56:05Yeah, it looks like it, doesn't it?

00:56:06What?

00:56:07Raided our cellar?

00:56:08Can't you see where we are?

00:56:10Huh?

00:56:11We're in our cellar.

00:56:12Oh.

00:56:13Oh.

00:56:14So we are.

00:56:15Oh, there's impudence.

00:56:16I'll write that story down.

00:56:18Well, they're not going to get away with that.

00:56:19I'll show them.

00:56:20No, they can't.

00:56:21It's all part of this.

00:56:22What?

00:56:23We'll ash it up, fill the stuff, and teach them a lesson.

00:56:24That's what.

00:56:25Get 10 years.

00:56:26Oh, no fear.

00:56:27We're going to phone the chief constable.

00:56:28All right.

00:56:41Hello.

00:56:42Hello.

00:56:43Give me door, Mr. 666.

00:56:44Chief constable.

00:56:45Yes, sir.

00:56:46This is urgent.

00:56:47I want to see what evidence we got.

00:56:48We've got all that stuff in the cellar.

00:56:49These three watches.

00:56:50And the Turkish bag end.

00:56:51Oh, the Turkish bag end.

00:56:52Yes, I forgot that.

00:56:53Yes.

00:56:54Yes, well, not many people around here

00:56:55smoke that kind of cigarette.

00:56:56This ought to be easy to trace.

00:56:57Yeah.

00:57:00Cigarette?

00:57:01Oh, the squire.

00:57:02Oh, you gave me quite a shock.

00:57:04Oh, I say, that's funny.

00:57:05You smoke the same kind of cigarettes as our clue does.

00:57:07So it seems.

00:57:08Yes.

00:57:09Well, that's very lucky.

00:57:10You may be able to help us.

00:57:11You think I might?

00:57:12Yes.

00:57:13I say, this is going to come as a shocker.

00:57:15This is going to come as a shock to you,

00:57:16but there's smuggling going on around here.

00:57:19I know.

00:57:20What, you mean you know who it is?

00:57:21Yes.

00:57:22It's me.

00:57:24You?

00:57:25You're joking.

00:57:26No, no, I'm not.

00:57:27And I'd advise you once again to keep your nose out of it.

00:57:29It'll be healthier for you.

00:57:32Healthier?

00:57:33Oh.

00:57:34Well, you mean that all this is?

00:57:36Oh, dear.

00:57:37What an itch.

00:57:38Hello?

00:57:39That's the chief constable.

00:57:40I wouldn't answer if I were you.

00:57:41But don't forget that the contraband is

00:57:43stored in your own cellar and that the light was hung

00:57:45on top of your own police station.

00:57:48Oh.

00:57:49I see his point.

00:57:50Yes.

00:57:51Well, I don't.

00:57:52It's against the law, and I put my hands to the plow.

00:57:54And what?

00:57:55Oh, well, I've taken them off again.

00:57:57Here.

00:57:58That's our evidence.

00:57:59Shut up.

00:58:00Hello.

00:58:01Yes, Danny?

00:58:03Chief, the lorry's waiting in the five o'clock office.

00:58:05Right.

00:58:06Then go and tell them we start loading in one.

00:58:11How much?

00:58:12How much is it?

00:58:13Get the handcuffs out.

00:58:14Grab them, boys.

00:58:15Let me make it work for you.

00:58:17Here, I've got one.

00:58:18I've got another.

00:58:19I've got two.

00:58:20I've got it.

00:58:22Hey.

00:58:23Why, say, what's the idea of this?

00:58:25Who did this?

00:58:26All right, get a move on.

00:58:28Well, goodbye, Dadford.

00:58:29I don't suppose we'll see each other for some time.

00:58:31Right.

00:58:32Get in.

00:58:33Come on, hurry up.

00:58:34Sam, George, we've got a lot to do.

00:58:35I'll get through with this.

00:58:36You stay right there.

00:58:37You, Jack.

00:58:38You can't get away with this.

00:58:39I'll get you 10 years each of you.

00:58:41I know you all by sight.

00:58:42Yes.

00:58:43And you mark my words.

00:58:44You won't be long before I'm looking at you all through bars.

00:58:46Yes.

00:58:47Hurry up, boys.

00:58:49Chief.

00:58:50Chief.

00:58:51Yes, what is it, Harry?

00:58:52The reverend, you men are onto us.

00:58:53They're ready for the cave.

00:58:55Quick, boys, take all you can.

00:58:56We'll have to leave the rest.

00:58:58Come on, boys.

00:58:59Why don't you lick that guillotine?

00:59:00Stop it.

00:59:01Stop it.

00:59:02Wait a minute.

00:59:03What do you want them to take the key for?

00:59:04I couldn't help it.

00:59:05They were kneeling on my stomach.

00:59:06Well, do you realize what this means?

00:59:07We've got to go about all the time now, fast together.

00:59:15Look at that lot.

00:59:16They can't be far away.

00:59:17Sit on the fence.

00:59:18I'll get the key.

00:59:19I'll get the key.

00:59:20I'll get the key.

00:59:21I'll get the key.

00:59:22I'll get the key.

00:59:23I'll get the key.

00:59:24I'll get the key.

00:59:25I'll get the key.

00:59:26Boys, come on.

00:59:27Come on.

00:59:28sit down with the second boat party.

00:59:29Sit down with the second boat party.

00:59:55Have you any idea if I can get out of this place?

00:59:57Yes, take the bar out.

00:59:58Oh, I see. Would you like me to just bite through one or something?

01:00:01No, the one that's loose. You know, the one we used as a poker.

01:00:03Well, which is it?

01:00:04Here.

01:00:05Oh, is that it? Oh, that's fine.

01:00:06That's fine.

01:00:11I've got to get back.

01:00:12All right, all right. Go on.

01:00:15Wait, wait, wait. Wait for me. Wait for me.

01:00:17Go on.

01:00:18Ow.

01:00:19Ow.

01:00:20Ow.

01:00:21Ow.

01:00:22Ow.

01:00:23Ow.

01:00:24Oh, gosh.

01:00:25Now we're going after them, the five oaks coppers.

01:00:27Come on.

01:00:31Come on, clank it up.

01:00:32Come on.

01:00:33Clank it up.

01:00:34Come on.

01:00:38Oh, cooperate, can't you?

01:00:40How can I swing it unless you swing it too?

01:00:42Go on, go on, go on.

01:00:43Go on.

01:00:44That's it.

01:00:46What, she won't start unless you choke her?

01:00:48Well, how can we choke her when we're all here?

01:00:50Well, how a bottle can.

01:00:51All right, I will.

01:00:59Hey!

01:01:00Hey!

01:01:01What are you trying to do, choke the engine or choke me?

01:01:03Oh, don't go to sleep there. Get in the car.

01:01:06Go on.

01:01:12Move over.

01:01:13Here, here. Wait a minute.

01:01:14Wait for me.

01:01:15Wait for me.

01:01:16We're not going to go.

01:01:17Go on, get up there.

01:01:29Can't you run any faster?

01:01:30You're nearly pulling my arm off.

01:01:32I'm only touching the ground.

01:01:34Now I'm in.

01:01:35Well, when you do touch the ground, jump farther.

01:01:37I got one.

01:01:38I got one.

01:01:42Why don't you jump on the running board?

01:01:46Well, jump on the bracket.

01:02:03Just in time, sir.

01:02:04There's a tunnel leading from the sea right into the cellar here, sir.

01:02:06And it's packed with contraband.

01:02:07Find out if Dudford's on the premises.

01:02:08Yes, sir.

01:02:09Let's have a look at this.

01:02:10Yes, sir.

01:02:11Hey, pull up, pull up, pull up.

01:02:15There they are.

01:02:17Cool, look.

01:02:23Well, this looks like the last trip, sir.

01:02:29There's your headless horseman for you.

01:02:31Shall we fill in the hole, sir?

01:02:32No, don't bother.

01:02:33Tip the hearse from the quarry and scatter.

01:02:35Right, sir.

01:02:36I'll get in touch with you boys later from London.

01:02:49Hey, go on.

01:02:58The missing car is a black Morris, number FN8429.

01:03:03There are three wants men in it.

01:03:05Right.

01:03:06Goodbye.

01:03:07Goodbye, sir.

01:03:11Well, how are we going to get after him without any petrol?

01:03:12All right, keep the shirt on.

01:03:13We've got another can in the bank.

01:03:14Well, hop out and get it.

01:03:15Go on.

01:03:19Come on.

01:03:21Come on.

01:03:23Oh, wait a minute.

01:03:31What's that noise?

01:03:32It's the radio.

01:03:33I turned it on.

01:03:34We'll have a bit of music.

01:03:35Music?

01:03:36I mean, I think we've got enough on our minds

01:03:37without having to listen to that rubbish.

01:03:39Oh, steady on.

01:03:40Don't you make me spill it.

01:03:41Well, why don't you use a funnel?

01:03:43I haven't got a funnel.

01:03:44Well, use a bit of imagination.

01:03:45Here.

01:03:49Here, I'll use that.

01:03:50All right.

01:03:51That's it.

01:03:55Who said that?

01:03:56Hey, that's a police message.

01:03:57Keep watch for and stop black Morris tourer number FN8429.

01:04:05Oh, London Road.

01:04:06That's this road.

01:04:07Yeah.

01:04:08Hey, if we keep our eyes open,

01:04:09we might catch them as well, eh?

01:04:10Yes.

01:04:11I will repeat that.

01:04:12Car number FN8429.

01:04:16You get that number?

01:04:17Got it.

01:04:18We've had it all the time.

01:04:19Well.

01:04:21Oh.

01:04:22Well, I wonder what they want us for.

01:04:23Probably they've heard about old Joe's grandmother.

01:04:25The car is driven by three wanted police officers.

01:04:28Wait.

01:04:29Their arrest is essential.

01:04:30Oh, dear.

01:04:31I will repeat that.

01:04:32Oh, don't bother.

01:04:33We heard you the first time.

01:04:34Oh, dear.

01:04:35Get out of the way.

01:04:36We don't use this car because they know it, you see.

01:04:38So we shove it down the side road,

01:04:39then get a lift from somebody.

01:04:40Go on.

01:04:41What's the matter?

01:04:42Go on, off you go.

01:04:43Go on.

01:04:44Shut up.

01:04:51Hey, look.

01:04:52They're coming.

01:04:53Well, let's stop it.

01:04:54Keep an eye on it.

01:04:55Yeah.

01:04:56Come on, quick.

01:04:58What have you got in that tin?

01:05:00Only milk, sir.

01:05:02Milk?

01:05:03Oh, at this time of the morning?

01:05:05I was delivered at this time, sir.

01:05:07Oh, well, it looks highly suspicious to me.

01:05:10And to me.

01:05:11Me too.

01:05:12Yes.

01:05:13Where's your milk book?

01:05:14My what, sir?

01:05:15Your milk book.

01:05:16You know, the book you put your milk in.

01:05:18I haven't got one, sir.

01:05:19Oh.

01:05:20Yes, I've got a milk book.

01:05:21Well, you can't go around the country milking without a milk book.

01:05:24You go and get one immediately.

01:05:25Yes, sir.

01:05:26No, no, no.

01:05:27Leave your bicycle where it is.

01:05:28We'll look after that.

01:05:29Go on, off you go.

01:05:30And run all the way.

01:05:32A lorry ahead, sir.

01:05:33Shall we question the driver?

01:05:34No, we haven't time for that.

01:05:35Get in front of it.

01:05:36Right, sir.

01:05:37It looks like a plane, sir.

01:05:47I don't know, sir.

01:05:53The lorry ahead, sir. Shall we question the driver?

01:05:55No, we haven't time for that. Get in front of it.

01:05:57Right, sir.

01:06:07There they are! That's our lorry!

01:06:09Didn't you see the tail light?

01:06:12Open up the throttle! We'll never catch them at this speed!

01:06:14And take your beard out of the milk!

01:06:17Look out! It says stop! Put the brakes on!

01:06:19I've got them on!

01:06:20No, slow it up! Come on! Put your feet on the ground or something!

01:06:22Look out!

01:06:23Oh, dear!

01:06:29Oh, dear!

01:06:32Tell me what you've done!

01:06:33Well, it was your fault messing about with the handlebars!

01:06:35Hear, hear! What's the idea?

01:06:37Did you see the signal?

01:06:39This'll cost you something!

01:06:41I'll report you! I'll report you! See if I don't!

01:06:44I'll report you! See if I don't!

01:06:48Hey, look!

01:06:49Let's knock off this van.

01:06:51Sure, we can't go about knocking off people's property.

01:06:53Besides, there may be somebody in it.

01:06:55No, there ain't.

01:06:56Well, get in then! What are you arguing about? Come on!

01:07:07Hey! Hey! Hey!

01:07:09Hey, I thought you said there was nobody in this.

01:07:11Well, I didn't see anyone.

01:07:13Oh! Here's a bit of fun! We're on a coffee stall!

01:07:16A coffee stall? Oh, so it is!

01:07:18I'm going to climb round, see if I can find any pork pies!

01:07:20Hey, we've got to catch that lorry! Don't try to worry about pork pies!

01:07:25There's our lorry!

01:07:28Hey, there's a van tailing us, and it's got three coppers in it.

01:07:32Behind me. It's Dunford.

01:07:34We'll take that next turning down to the left. We'll soon shake him off.

01:07:37All right, well, hold tight!

01:07:43Come on, back up a bit! Back up!

01:07:45They can't get away with that! He didn't even put his hand down!

01:07:55Shaking him off yet?

01:07:58No. They're still after us.

01:08:01All right, then. Turn your lights out.

01:08:03Hey! Left party?

01:08:05Gone!

01:08:06What do you mean, gone?

01:08:07They've left the road!

01:08:08What do you think they've done? Driven up a tree?

01:08:09They say he was following something that ain't there!

01:08:11Now, let's get inside and have a good blowout, eh?

01:08:13See, and maybe that wanted car'll come by.

01:08:15What wanted car?

01:08:16You know, the one they spoke of over the wireless. FN8429.

01:08:19FN842... I mean, that's our own car, isn't it?

01:08:22Remember when we shoved it up a side road?

01:08:24FN8429. If you don't shut up, you'll be R.I.B.82.

01:08:27Go on, Albert. Shut up!

01:08:42Hey! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

01:08:45What's the idea of being asleep on duty?

01:08:47You see, you don't even have to be asleep!

01:08:48You don't sleep when you start...

01:08:50Hey! Wake up, will you?

01:08:51Come on, wake up!

01:08:56There you are! You've ditched this now!

01:08:59Clever, aren't you?

01:09:00I was driving all right while I was asleep.

01:09:02It's you waking me up!

01:09:03You're having a bit of bad luck, aren't you?

01:09:05Bad luck? I'm chained to it!

01:09:11How much longer are you going to be?

01:09:12OK, boss. We're all set now.

01:09:14All right.

01:09:29Hey! There's our lorry!

01:09:30Look! Come on!

01:09:42Come on!

01:09:49Hey! Can't you give me a bit more room?

01:09:51I've never driven one of these things before!

01:09:52I can't help it! This wasn't made for three people!

01:09:55It wasn't made for one your size!

01:10:04I bet there's a bus spot in this now.

01:10:07It's got its damn foot again!

01:10:18The stolen bus has just come by!

01:10:20Heading for the Weybridge Road!

01:10:22Calling all cars.

01:10:23Wanted bus seen in Weybridge District.

01:10:25Proceed to that area.

01:10:37That's the rate of the bus coming in about this.

01:10:39They never stop at the authorized places.

01:10:41They queue up and then they run like blazes!

01:10:45Oh, go on! There's the green light!

01:10:47I know! I know! I'm not colourblind!

01:10:49The bus won't stop!

01:10:50I know what's wrong!

01:10:51What?

01:10:52We haven't rang the bell!

01:10:53Yeah, haven't rang the bell!

01:10:55Whoa!

01:11:05Move on, there!

01:11:06Shut up! I've got as much right of the road as you have!

01:11:08What's he playing at?

01:11:12Get out of me!

01:11:13Hey, what are you doing?

01:11:18What's the matter? Somebody behind us?

01:11:20Someone behind us?

01:11:21We've got a full house!

01:11:22Yeah, ain't we?

01:11:25Hey, where did all those people come from?

01:11:27They must have got on when we stopped.

01:11:29Well, now they're on, they can stay on!

01:11:32Wait for that conductor to come down!

01:11:34I'll lodge a complaint about this!

01:11:36Police!

01:11:53Police!

01:11:54What am I doing? Stop?

01:11:55No! Turn left!

01:12:06Go!

01:12:21Something's going to be torn.

01:12:22Look, you were on the wrong side!

01:12:24I think it's alright they're going to speed like that.

01:12:25Did anybody think it was a racetrack?

01:12:29Blimey, you're right!

01:12:30You're on the right side!

01:12:31Oh, bloody hell!

01:12:32Oh, dear!

01:12:35Oh! Oh, a small car's coming!

01:12:37Oh!

01:12:38Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

01:12:40Oh, dear!

01:12:41Hey!

01:12:44Oh, that was a near thing, wasn't it?

01:12:48Get out there in that lorry!

01:12:50Speed it over!

01:12:51Get out there and stop that thing!

01:13:02Oh, dear!

01:13:03Oh, dear!

01:13:10Oh, dear!

01:13:11Oh, you had a nice laugh and now you're caught.

01:13:14Hey, it's not as you want it to be!

01:13:15Don't let him get away!

01:13:16Get out of the way!

01:13:22Oh, no, you don't!

01:13:23Get those three strong as it was!

01:13:24Hey, stop him!

01:13:25This is the man you want!

01:13:27Yes!

01:13:28He is a crook!

01:13:29A bad man!

01:13:30That's right, sir. There's cannons of it, raining all over the place.

01:13:32Fantastic!

01:13:34Are you accusing me of smuggling?

01:13:35Yes, I am.

01:13:36Well, it's outrageous. You're the smuggler and you know it.

01:13:38That's a fib. And he's always telling fibs.

01:13:40Shut up, you!

01:13:43I've seen you before somewhere, haven't I?

01:13:45No.

01:13:46That's another fib, and I can prove it, too.

01:13:47You remember the day when I knocked you on the head

01:13:49and kidded you you'd run your car into a shop window?

01:13:51Well, this is the fellow that came and backed us up,

01:13:53said it was an accident.

01:13:54So you admitted you was a blackguard.

01:13:55Yes, but look what we've done since. Caught the smugglers and everything.

01:13:58Arrest a lot of them!

01:13:59Hey, wait a minute!

01:14:00You mean to tell me that you're absolutely...

01:14:02You're gonna...

01:14:03Well, hold...

Category

Transcript

Recommended