Nikki Glaser takes us behind the scenes of her new stand-up special "Someday You'll Die." She breaks down why she wanted to take on tough subject matter and not sugar-coat the material for audiences. She also describes what it was like to write her first original song that plays over the closing credits.
Variety Making a Scene presented by HBO
Variety Making a Scene presented by HBO
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00:00The thoughts of death, I don't like to dwell on them
00:01for longer than, like, 10 or 15 hours a day, so.
00:05This special was me trying to just not have
00:08any kind of artifice or filter when it came to the material.
00:12Now, when it came to my spray tan and my outfit
00:15and my hair extensions, that was fake as hell.
00:18♪♪
00:28Hello, I'm Nikki Glaser, writer, creator, producer
00:33of the comedy special, Someday You'll Die.
00:36And this is Variety's Making a Scene.
00:39I got to have a plan.
00:40And I do have a plan, because I always forget
00:42I'm going to kill myself.
00:43I always...
00:45Duh.
00:46I've been working on Someday You'll Die
00:49and the material in this special for a while.
00:53I would say since the week after I taped my last special,
00:57Good, Clean, Phil.
00:58I felt like I was kind of alone in this pursuit
01:00of, like, having a message that was overall pretty depressing
01:05and not having any, like, sugarcoating going on.
01:08But I actually felt really good.
01:10I heard this Olivia Rodrigo song called Pretty Isn't Pretty.
01:13♪♪
01:17I can't believe a 17-year-old wrote a song
01:20that I connected to so much, a beautiful 17-year-old.
01:23But she's talking about how, like,
01:26no matter how much you try,
01:27you're never going to be pretty enough.
01:28It's never going to be enough.
01:30Nothing you ever do will change that.
01:32And it's just depressing.
01:34And that's just the way it is.
01:35And I just, I was waiting in this song
01:37for some kind of, like, moment where she was like,
01:39♪♪
01:44But there was none of that.
01:45It's just like, it sucks, and this is the way it is,
01:47and it's only going to get worse.
01:49And I just was like, fuck, yeah.
01:50Like, I hate that I finally had to feel, like,
01:53good about my messaging
01:55because I heard an Olivia Rodrigo song
01:56that had the same kind.
01:58It did make me feel better
01:59that I was on the same track as her
02:01and that it's okay to look at things that way.
02:05You don't always need to soften everything.
02:07Sometimes things just do suck.
02:09But that's the thing about death.
02:10It has to happen.
02:11We all know it.
02:12And I don't like that I just have to wait and see,
02:13like, what's going to happen?
02:15How's it going to, how am I going to go?
02:17You know?
02:18I think ultimately it's about acceptance, you know?
02:23And I think that is actually the cure
02:26to anything that comes up in my life
02:29is not trying to change it, is not trying to fight it.
02:32It's just accepting that I get depressed,
02:34not trying to fight it,
02:35accepting that my face is falling,
02:38accepting that my boobs are falling,
02:40accepting that someday I'm going to die,
02:43accepting that I'm going to lose my fertility,
02:45accepting that I'm going to lose all my friends
02:46because they're going to have babies.
02:47Like, just instead of just fighting it
02:49and being upset about it, just accept it.
02:52And maybe that will make it better.
02:54I didn't want to have some kind of, like,
02:56overall message of, like, aging sucks,
02:58but at least there's wisdom involved,
03:01or someday you'll die,
03:02but at least we get this beautiful life.
03:04Like, it really was,
03:06let's just joke about the darkest things going on
03:08and let me not pull any punches.
03:10Let me go as dark as I can
03:12and really represent how it feels right now
03:15as a woman pushing 40 in show business,
03:18feeling like my best days are behind me,
03:21and not trying to soften it at all.
03:24It was really accepting myself for my dark thoughts,
03:26which has always been something that I've struggled with.
03:28I feel bad that I'm depressed
03:30because I have a great life on paper.
03:32I feel bad that I am jealous of other girls
03:34because compared to some girls, I have it great.
03:36You know, like, I'm constantly feeling bad
03:38about feeling bad,
03:39and this was just me being able to say,
03:41I feel bad and I can't help it,
03:45and I'm not going to lie about feeling bad.
03:47I think the best version of what I have to give
03:50is me trying to be as me as possible,
03:54even though that is ironic
03:55because I don't like myself so often.
03:59I'm a DIY kind of gal, you know?
04:01Like, I want to get crafty.
04:03I want to go to a Michaels
04:04and pick out some sturdy yarn, crochet a noose.
04:07I don't know. I'm just...
04:08I was trying to look as hot as possible
04:10because I'm peeking,
04:11and who knows when I'll have this much money
04:14to spend on lighting and a makeup and wardrobe team
04:17the rest of my life.
04:17I always use those opportunities to look my best,
04:21but I think it's a nice juxtaposition with the material
04:24and then someone who looks so shiny and glamorous.
04:26I think that's almost funny.
04:27So those heels were not painful, thank God,
04:30but the interesting part about heels on stage
04:32is I cannot wear heels outside of a stage performance at all
04:39because they hurt my feet so bad
04:40because I have such bad bunions,
04:42but for some reason when I'm performing,
04:43they don't hurt at all,
04:44and I think that reason is adrenaline
04:46because the second I step off stage,
04:48I rip them off my feet like they're bear traps.
04:50Like, they hurt so much, but my feet are literally...
04:53I don't feel any pain while I'm performing.
04:55It's very strange.
04:56It's just nice on nights like that
04:58when you're taping a special
05:00to really treat yourself like a pop star.
05:02I really look up to celebrities,
05:04and I always wanted to be a famous actress
05:06or a famous singer, and I'm not.
05:08I'm a comedian, but on those days
05:10where I get to tape a special and it's all about me
05:13and I have the resources to make me look
05:15like that kind of starlet I've always wanted to be,
05:17I seize the opportunity,
05:19and I definitely get some shit for it
05:22and have been probably criticized for like,
05:25it's not about your dress, Nikki,
05:27and you shouldn't look so hot
05:29because it's distracting from the material.
05:30I'm not trying to distract anyone.
05:33I just want to be a pop star for a day.
05:34Let me.
05:35♪ I can't feel my medications ♪
05:37♪ I'm at home under the spell ♪
05:39♪ I wish awful things on strangers ♪
05:41♪ Just because they're doing well ♪
05:44I have always wanted to be a singer-songwriter,
05:47and I just have never tried
05:49because it's one of those things
05:50that I think I'm good at it,
05:52but if I try and then I fail,
05:54then it ruins this dream I have of myself.
05:57So I'd always wanted to do that,
05:59but then instead I was just like,
06:00I'll just be a comedian
06:01because that comes easier to me
06:03and doesn't seem as scary.
06:04I was eating like a sweet green salad.
06:06I was like, what if I write,
06:07what if I just wrote my own song?
06:09And my boyfriend was like, you should.
06:10And I was like, oh, damn it.
06:12Like, now I have to.
06:14I just said to myself, okay,
06:16imagine you're like a singer-songwriter
06:19and a comedian who has an HBO special
06:21asked you to write a song for the credits.
06:24You're going to turn that down?
06:25So I just looked at myself
06:27not as Nikki Glaser, the comedian writing a song,
06:29like I'm Nikki Glaser, the musician,
06:31and I just got hired by this comedian to write a song.
06:35And it just poured out of me.
06:36It was really easy.
06:38It was like, you know,
06:38the way you hear about singer-songwriters writing a song,
06:40it's like, it just took like 15 minutes.
06:42Like it literally took 15 minutes
06:44with my guitar to write that song.
06:45It was so gratifying.
06:47And have I written a second song?
06:48No.
06:49Do I want to?
06:50Yes.
06:51Am I terrified it won't happen again?
06:52Yes.
06:53At least I can say I did it once
06:55and I wrote a really good song.
06:57So I guess I'll just keep writing songs for specials
07:00is what I'll do until I have the balls
07:02to actually like write an album,
07:04which is a goal of mine.
07:06I always knew I would be a mom.
07:09They have to say it with that ethereal,
07:11breathy, condescending tone.
07:15The whole chunk about being a mom
07:18really came from all of my best girlfriends
07:21suddenly wanting to be moms.
07:23When I was writing the special,
07:25I was 38, 39.
07:26And that's pretty late for like
07:28all my girlfriends to be moms.
07:30All my girlfriends took a while
07:31to arrive at the decision to be moms,
07:34but it happened all at once.
07:36I have three of my best girlfriends right now are pregnant.
07:40And leading up to the special,
07:42they were all trying to get pregnant.
07:44And it was the only conversation
07:46that seemed to be happening in our girls' chat.
07:48And I felt really left out, honestly.
07:51I felt like, what's wrong with me
07:53that not only is this not even something
07:56that I'm slightly interested in,
07:58like I have zero, zero desire to be a mom.
08:01And like, what's wrong with me?
08:04I said, it's the only time that I've ever related
08:06to people who don't like Taylor Swift.
08:07Cause they're like, what is this thing
08:09that everyone seems to get that I don't?
08:11And I relate to that feeling now
08:13because of like this desire to be a mom.
08:16And I just started asking my friends.
08:17I was like, I just need to know why.
08:19Why do you want to be a mom?
08:21Like, I really want to understand it.
08:23And that really inspired a lot of this material
08:26because I was starting to understand
08:28that my girlfriends were looking for purpose in life.
08:33And that I wasn't because I have this career
08:37that I'm obsessed with,
08:38that really gives me a lot of dopamine rushes all the time.
08:41So like, I'm constantly on this drug
08:45that makes me feel amazing and horrible and amazing.
08:48Like, I'm constantly up and down
08:50and I'm never kind of like going,
08:53what am I doing with my life?
08:55I don't see women becoming moms and going,
08:57I'm gonna go volunteer in a soup kitchen.
08:59I'm gonna go build a home in Honduras.
09:01No, you're just feeding Cheerios
09:03to something that looks like you.
09:04Now I'm finding a really fun new avenue in my standup
09:11kind of delving into this even more
09:13of why people really want kids.
09:15And essentially it's because we're genetically predisposed
09:19to want to make more of us.
09:21And it really is a selfish thing.
09:22And I really, that's my favorite thing in the special
09:25that I just started, I dip my toe in,
09:28is calling out how having kids is selfish.
09:31And no matter what way you slice the dough,
09:33it's gonna, it is selfish.
09:35You want something that looks like you
09:37and denying it at all is lying to yourself.
09:40Like it's, that's, that really is what it is.
09:42And it's nothing wrong with it.
09:43We're supposed to want that.
09:44It's like in our biology to want that,
09:47but it doesn't make you selfless,
09:49which I get into in the special,
09:50but obviously I'm a selfish person.
09:53I'm standing on stage asking people to pay money
09:54to hear me talk.
09:55So I understand a selfish, narcissistic desire,
09:59but I'm tired of pretending that it's not there
10:01because you are a parent
10:03and that you're somehow more righteous than me.
10:07We're all just wanting attention and wanting me, me, me.
10:10You just are making you and I'm making you look at me.
10:13It's the same thing.
10:14But to be a good mom is hard.
10:15To be a bad mom, that's as easy as being a great dad.
10:18That's, that's what that is.
10:22The joke about dads came from a place
10:25of talking to my male comedian friends
10:28who were also of my age and kind of struggling
10:31with the idea of balancing a career with fatherhood
10:35and them trying to kind of connect with me
10:38or maybe commiserate with me
10:40with my decision to not want to be a mom
10:42and saying like, yeah,
10:43I don't really know if I want to be a dad.
10:45I remember one of them being like,
10:47I know it's crazy, but like, I think I want to be a dad.
10:51And I was like, oh, like, yeah, I would too.
10:54It's like, I would love to be a dad.
10:57Like, I think that's what it came from
10:58is like, it seems a lot easier to be a dad.
11:01And I'm not, like, I wanted to emphasize,
11:04like, I'm not mad at men.
11:05I'm not like, men, you should be like moms
11:07because we don't, it just isn't the way it is.
11:09And I know there are some dads that do just as much as moms
11:12and it's because your wife is dead.
11:15And that's probably why.
11:16I think that joke wasn't working
11:18when I was just kind of being annoyed with dads
11:22for it being easy and being jealous of them
11:25and just telling dads what a cakewalk it was.
11:29And I was trying to find like the center of that joke
11:32to really like the thesis of it
11:34that made it undeniable where they couldn't just see
11:37like this angry woman on stage
11:39that it really would resonate.
11:40And I think that that was the nucleus
11:43was that a good dad equals a bad mom.
11:47And I think that that was when it just really hit
11:50and it didn't just seem like
11:51I was just a resentful woman up there
11:53complaining about the patriarchy.
11:55To make my material about my frustration
11:58with the patriarchy palatable for men
12:01is something that I actually take great effort in doing.
12:04I really like men and I like that they enjoy my humor.
12:09And I think that I have a very masculine sense of humor
12:11a lot of times that is lost on some women.
12:14So as much as I want to appeal to the girlies
12:18and I want girlies to enjoy me,
12:20I don't want that to be to sacrifice men hearing me.
12:23It's like a fine balance.
12:25I hate that I even have to strike it.
12:26And it's not me saying like men have to be catered to
12:29and talked down to so that they can appreciate it
12:32because women are so harpy.
12:35They can't help that they don't want a woman
12:37screaming at them.
12:38It's hard to do and I don't always nail it
12:40but I think I did in this bit.
12:42I've like always known I was going to kill myself.
12:44Like, just like always known.
12:48My parents have dealt with my kind of suicidal threats
12:55and talks like my whole life.
12:56I was, you know, I almost died of anorexia
12:59which is really to me just like a slow suicide.
13:02And they've dealt with my depression.
13:05We don't really talk about it as a family
13:07because that's kind of,
13:10well, that's probably why I'm depressed.
13:11It's like, we don't talk about things.
13:13So stand up for me really is a way to express to my family
13:17and loved ones like what I'm struggling with
13:20and just express myself because I don't feel
13:22like I can talk about those things
13:24because people don't generally understand.
13:26The joke that is in the special about my mom saying,
13:29people don't want to hear you talking
13:30about blowing your head off is a true thing that she said
13:36which is always my mom's biggest concern is not
13:39that her daughter is concerned with killing herself
13:41but that her daughter is going to offend the audience
13:44about killing herself.
13:45I think standup is ultimately just a rebellion
13:48to my upbringing, which is like, just present nice.
13:51And it doesn't matter what you feel
13:53just make sure everyone else feels good.
13:55And I am doing this thing that makes people uncomfortable
13:58but it's also making them like me.
14:00It's like showing my parents
14:02that the thing they told me I could never do
14:04not only could I do, but I can be very successful doing it.
14:08And people actually will like me more because I do it.
14:11And you know, my mom classically goes to my shows
14:14and she's just like backstage.
14:16And she'll always just say to me, Nikki
14:18I cannot believe all of these people love you so much.
14:23Like this, she loves me so much
14:26but she can't believe other people do too.
14:29It'll be so far in the future.
14:31You'll hear about it.
14:32And you'll go, wait, who?
14:35I think that there's at least a precedent
14:37for if I ever do want to get help that there's like, okay
14:40there's been a steady amount
14:41of this sprinkled throughout her life.
14:43Like I don't ever want to kill myself.
14:46It is something that I continually struggle
14:48with thinking about and have never had a plan
14:50or even close to a plan.
14:52But I don't think it should shock anyone
14:55if it happens to me.
14:56Like, if you look at Anthony Bourdain
14:58you look at all of his books
14:59and he talks about killing himself
15:00like hundreds of times he references it
15:03in his show and in his writing.
15:04And yet we were all shocked it happened.
15:06Like to me, I just, I'm leaving a lot of evidence
15:10for if it does happen, I don't want it to.
15:12I do everything in my power to not make it happen.
15:15If I was a betting woman
15:16I'd say that is not how I'm going to go.
15:18But again, like I have that illness
15:20that makes my brain go there.
15:21Whereas other people could never imagine
15:23thinking thoughts like that.
15:25It is where my brain goes.
15:26My desire is just to like let that out as much as possible
15:29because it takes some of the pressure off
15:31from keeping it in.
15:32When we are able to talk about depression as a disease
15:36like the way we talk about cancer
15:37and to actually have compassion and feel sorry
15:40and not feel so like angry at people that seem to have it.
15:43And like that it will result in a lot less people doing it
15:47because all people need who are depressed
15:49and suicidally depressed are compassion and understanding.
15:53They don't need like, stop saying those crazy things.
15:56You're not going to do that.
15:57Don't do that.
15:58Oh, stop talking like that.
15:59Like that's the last thing we need
16:01which is usually the first thing we get.
16:04Well, I can't help that I have this thing.
16:06It's just as chronic as Aunt Sally's back pain.
16:11Why can't I talk about it?
16:12In fact, I think the fact that I can't
16:13is going to lead me to do it someday.
16:16And so, yeah, that's always my goal I think
16:19is just to talk about the unspeakable.
16:24I found with the special that I was really able to
16:26tap into some places that no one else has tapped into yet
16:29and no one else has said these kinds of things.
16:31And I think that's really what a comedy special can do
16:35is just create conversations
16:37and change the way people perceive something
16:40and just challenge hypocrisy
16:42or just make things more conversational
16:46that seemed before the special to be something
16:49that's like too shameful to even talk about.
16:51I think I might have to just blow my head off.
16:54I know it's rough, but it's quick
16:55and guns are easier to get in this country than compassion.
16:58So what am I supposed to do?
17:25I think I might have to just blow my head off.