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00:29Gary King on the early show on 1FM, kicking off Tuesday.
00:33The cobwebs and generally having a good time on the radio in the morning.
00:38Tuesday!
00:39Oh!
00:46Ow!
00:53Down!
00:55LAUGHTER
00:57Mum!
01:04Hang on!
01:14LAUGHTER
01:18Oh, great.
01:24LAUGHTER
01:44Ah, that's lucky, mate.
01:46I thought I'd missed you and the boys this morning.
01:49LAUGHTER
01:52So...
01:54LAUGHTER
02:10Not another one.
02:12I'll give you a ring, then.
02:14I'll bet.
02:18He's hardly got the strength left to get his key in the ignition.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:35Jenny!
02:36It's five to eight. What are you doing up there?
02:38Can I borrow your razor?
02:40No, grow a moustache. It's very fashionable.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:43We've run out of bread.
02:45Hand me some corn. I'm grinding my teeth anyway.
02:47We'll get breakfast later.
02:49Ben?
02:50Yeah?
02:51Would you say I could be mistaken for a bin man?
02:53No.
02:54You don't look that good in the mornings.
02:56LAUGHTER
03:00Today's woman.
03:02She's soft, feminine, runs her own company as well as her family
03:06and still has time for fashion.
03:09Cow!
03:12David!
03:13You should be dressed.
03:15I was watching that.
03:16It's just fairy tales by men with ponytails.
03:19Dressed!
03:20She's up there.
03:22Who's she, the cat? I don't care what she's doing.
03:24She's shaving under her arms. It's horrible.
03:27Jenny!
03:28Let your brother into the bathroom and leave my things alone.
03:32I've got hair under my arms.
03:34Tie a ribbon in it.
03:37DOORBELL RINGS
03:38I'll get it.
03:44Rona, we're running late.
03:46Jenny's discovered puberty and she's keeping it all for herself.
03:49Don't worry.
03:50Hi, Ben.
03:51Hi, Rona.
03:52Ah, you look well.
03:55So do you, my love.
03:58Won't be a minute.
03:59Could do with some coffee anyway.
04:01Couldn't sleep.
04:02How did you know?
04:03You'd be amazed what you see in the sanitation department.
04:07Have I missed something?
04:09What's the story?
04:15I have to be on the other side of town for a boiler.
04:19Or is that the story?
04:21Go to work.
04:22Yes, my darling.
04:24Bye, kids.
04:25Mummy's in charge.
04:29So, where are the kids? Upstairs in the bathroom?
04:32Well, I decided to visit that new place, you know...
04:36Jenny!
04:37I've got the hanky and I'm not afraid to spit on it.
04:41I decided to visit that new place, Brief Encounter.
04:44I thought you had all that underwear stuff.
04:46It's a bar.
04:48A bar?
04:49It isn't like that. It's for singles.
04:52Oh, yes.
04:53Yeah.
04:54Don't look at me that way. I wasn't going to do anything.
04:57No?
04:58No.
04:59Those are for emergencies.
05:01So, what was his name?
05:03Mum!
05:04Where's my school bag?
05:06I've got it.
05:07So, what was his name?
05:08Mum!
05:09Where's my school bag?
05:10Jenny, I'm talking. Are they school uniform?
05:13God!
05:15Why Meryl Streep didn't thank that dingo, I shall never know.
05:21Jenny!
05:22Have you done everywhere?
05:23Yes.
05:24Behind your ears?
05:25Well, nobody ever sees death.
05:27Well, I do.
05:28Oh, my God! Is this a potato plant growing here?
05:31Rebecca, quick, come and see.
05:33Mum!
05:34All right, we'll use them for chips.
05:35Jenny!
05:36Hurry up or we'll be late.
05:37I don't care.
05:38It's only biology.
05:39We're doing reproduction.
05:40Well, you'll need to know about that.
05:42I do.
05:43My bedroom's off set for owners.
05:49Jenny!
05:50We are leaving.
05:51Now.
05:52I don't know what's so great about families.
05:55I know.
05:56They say 98% of children are strangled right there in the home.
06:00Oh, God.
06:07My father's a lavatory cleaner.
06:09He works from morning to night.
06:11And when he comes home in the evening,
06:13he's covered all over in shine-up-your-buttons.
06:16He's only three opens a day.
06:18Mother, can't you stop him?
06:20I miss all this culture.
06:21Some say die of fever.
06:23Some say die of a fit.
06:25Stop the car!
06:37What is it?
06:38I'll walk from here.
06:40All right.
06:41Make sure you see David across all the roads.
06:44Why do I have to arrive at school every day with a child?
06:47So you'll be the same as all the other girls in your class.
06:50Very funny.
06:51Come straight home. I mean it.
06:53Mother!
06:54No hanging around with the rat pack.
06:56You don't understand.
06:57You never understand.
06:58You're just my mother.
07:01Wait for me.
07:02Some say die of fever.
07:04Will you shut up?
07:06Some say die of a fit.
07:10I'm sorry. It's silly.
07:12Some tissues in the glove compartment.
07:14Under the joy of sex.
07:18I didn't mean it.
07:19She's just a child.
07:21Of the devil.
07:22At least you've got them.
07:24They'll be there when you're old age.
07:25That's what frightens me.
07:30Oh!
07:32Bum in a jog strap! Not again!
07:36Shall I look it up in the joy of sex?
07:40I'll have to flag down a man.
07:41Oh, I can do all that stuff.
07:43I'm afraid it's your fan belt, darling.
07:45Get your tights off.
07:48What about cars?
07:49I do know I'm sick to death of us looking like a menace on the public highway.
07:57Sorry!
08:03Need any help?
08:04No, thanks.
08:07We'll manage.
08:10OK.
08:24Why did you do that?
08:25You know why.
08:28What was that film with Mickey Rourke?
08:3048 Hours?
08:31Nine and a half weeks.
08:34Reminds me of him in that.
08:35So does everything.
08:39What is it about leather?
08:40Nothing.
08:41Except if you're a cow on heat.
08:47Through here and that's the boiler there.
08:49Yes, it is.
08:52Can I use your toilet?
08:54Um, yeah. Yeah, of course.
08:57WHISTLE
09:02Oh, that's a bit of a tricky one.
09:04Are you all the expert?
09:05Yes, I am.
09:07You probably make more money than I do.
09:09Yes, I do.
09:12How much do you make, then?
09:14Oh, about 97 thou last year.
09:17DOOR SLAMS
09:25You'll have to get that car seen to.
09:27I could get to Scotland in that.
09:29Yeah, but I'm only pushing it as far as Carlisle.
09:31Oh.
09:38What time is it?
09:40It's three minutes to.
09:42Maybe I'll go back to Brief Encounter tonight
09:44and try and meet a mechanic.
09:47Rona?
09:48Hmm?
09:49When you wake up in the mornings with these men,
09:52don't you feel used?
09:54I should certainly hope so.
09:58What about Mr Motorbike, then?
10:02Ben had a motorbike when we first met.
10:04I used to ride pillion.
10:06Bet you wouldn't do it now, though.
10:08No.
10:09I look stupid on the roof rack of the van.
10:12Have you seen my sweeteners?
10:14There's some in my bag.
10:15Oh.
10:18What's that?
10:19I don't know.
10:20Ah.
10:22So, tell me.
10:24How are things with you and Ben at the moment?
10:28All right.
10:29I mean, are you...
10:32What?
10:34You know.
10:35I don't.
10:36You do.
10:37You know.
10:38I don't.
10:39You do.
10:40I don't.
10:41You do.
10:42I don't.
10:43You do.
10:44I don't.
10:45All right, I do.
10:46Well, last week I did find something nuzzling up to my back.
10:49He's a nuzzler.
10:50I knew it.
10:51So don't tell me.
10:52He put his mouth next to your ear,
10:54you whispered sweet nothings,
10:56and then it all started happening.
10:58Yes.
10:59A man rang to say his boiler'd exploded.
11:02By the time he got back, he was exhausted.
11:04Since then, I've been exhausted.
11:07You ought to watch out, Bill.
11:09You may go looking.
11:10No.
11:11Ben carries with him a special safety device
11:13to stop anyone wanting to get into his underpants.
11:15What's that?
11:16His underpants.
11:20You're kidding.
11:21You haven't seen them.
11:23I pray to God.
11:26Are you ready for the first bird of the evening?
11:28In the red corner,
11:29the all-blacks, over-60s bread-snatching squad.
11:32Wait!
11:34Dear Perry,
11:36I should be grateful if you could attend at 2.30
11:39a counselling meeting with a senior fourth-year tutor
11:42to discuss issues arising from your daughter's behaviour recently.
11:46I should also be delighted if you miss your one and only break in the day,
11:50rush all the way across town and get completely knackered,
11:53as it matters not one tit to us.
11:55Yours faithfully, Hitler.
11:58Who did it get in your bag?
12:00Well, it wasn't postman Pat.
12:03Made some tea.
12:04Oh.
12:07Thanks.
12:11So, um, how's it going?
12:13Well, I sent him down the warehouse first thing.
12:15Can't do anything till he gets back with the parts.
12:18I had to take the day off from work.
12:22I married myself.
12:24So am I.
12:26Is this her?
12:27Yeah.
12:28Yeah.
12:30Mm.
12:31Nice.
12:32Yeah.
12:34I'm lucky.
12:3517 years.
12:36Still every night.
12:48He must have got held up on the way.
12:53Hello.
12:55Can he go to the toilet?
13:19Excuse me, I have to see the senior fourth form tutor.
13:22Where do I go?
13:23Second floor on the left.
13:26Should you be out here?
13:28Well, not really.
13:31Don't you know those aren't good for you?
13:33Now go where you're supposed to be and do your tie-up.
13:36I don't know.
13:43Do you mind if I go in first? I'm late anyway.
13:45I suppose so.
13:50What have you done, then?
13:52Got sent out for domestic science.
13:54What for?
13:55Listening to MC Hammer during a spinach flan.
13:59He's confiscated me batteries.
14:01Probably wants to keep me in for extra work.
14:04Story of my life.
14:06I'm not bothered.
14:07I'll just tell my mum he tried to look down my blouse.
14:11Why do we have to wait, anyway?
14:13For the traffic light.
14:14What?
14:15He's not ready.
14:17Sod that. I've got to get back.
14:23Um...
14:25I'm Mrs Porter. I'm sorry I'm so late.
14:28Ah, we thought you weren't coming.
14:30Yeah, well, I had to wait for a lull at work.
14:32Please sit down.
14:41I expect you're wondering why I'm dressed like this.
14:48I'm the Duke of Plaza Toro.
14:50Oh, yes.
14:51Dress rehearsal in half an hour.
14:54Gilbert and Sullivan Club.
14:56Yes, well, could we get down to business?
14:58I'm late for work.
15:02Oh, yes.
15:04Mrs Porter, how would you describe your daughter?
15:08Normal.
15:10I'm sorry to have to say that we find her surly, uncooperative
15:14and totally uninterested in her schoolwork.
15:17Well, that is normal for a 14-year-old girl.
15:20We demand from our pupils a respect for the serious work
15:23that we're all here to do.
15:26It may seem irrelevant now, but who can say when,
15:29knowing that the square on the hypotenuse is equal
15:32to the sum of the other two sides may be useful in later life.
15:36Yes, well, that's your job. I do my part at home.
15:40I'm afraid it's more serious than that.
15:42Come in.
15:44Ah, this is her form tutor.
15:47Do you still have those letters, Mr Corringe?
15:50Oh, yes.
15:59Please excuse my daughter this afternoon.
16:01She has to see the dentist.
16:04Please excuse Jenny this afternoon.
16:06After break, she has a doctor's appointment.
16:10Unfortunately, my husband died last night.
16:12Please excuse Jenny this afternoon
16:14to help with funeral arrangements.
16:18Forgeries.
16:19Well, they're not exactly convincing, are they?
16:23Is that it?
16:24Jenny seems to spend most of the time she should be working
16:27gossiping about boys.
16:29Oh?
16:30It's possible she may be meeting someone.
16:32Well, then stop her.
16:33Outside school isn't our responsibility.
16:36Then keep her inside.
16:38I bring her here, all you have to do is stop her getting out again.
16:41That's what the bars are for.
16:43This isn't cold dates, Mrs Porter.
16:45Well, it should be.
16:46We have many other time-consuming duties.
16:49Yes, I can see that.
16:52All right, I suppose I'll have to sort it out like everything else.
16:57But I'll tell you one thing.
16:58There better be some improvements in your work.
17:01I shall be checking up on you.
17:03And I don't want to see you in this office again
17:05unless there's a very good reason.
17:07Got it?
17:08Yes, Mrs Porter.
17:12Oh.
17:14And the square on the hypotenuse
17:16is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.
17:19That's the only time I've ever had to use it.
17:22Sorry.
17:41Sorry.
17:43Oh, my God.
17:53PHONE RINGS
18:03I've got a phone in.
18:05Are you all right?
18:06Yeah.
18:07Just a knock.
18:08It happens all the time.
18:11We must stop meeting like this.
18:15I'll catch you later.
18:23CAR ENGINE REVS
18:37Well, haven't you got things to do?
18:41You remember that album after the gold rush?
18:44No.
18:45Neil Young. You must remember Neil Young.
18:50No.
18:52Yes, you do.
18:54For a while, he was with Crosby, Stills and Nash.
18:56You must remember Crosby, Stills and Nash.
18:58No.
19:01I remember Rag, Tag and Bobtail.
19:05Well, anyway, they split up and went solo.
19:07Rag, Tag and Bobtail?
19:10Yeah.
19:11Rag and Tag went middle of the road and got run over by a juggernaut.
19:14Bobtail became Rod Stewart.
19:21Oh, at last.
19:24It was a 12ml gas pressure valve cylinder, yeah?
19:28That's right.
19:29Out of stock six months.
19:32That'll be all right. We'll clean the other one up.
19:35That'll save a bit of money, then.
19:36Not really. We charge by the hour.
19:39Can I use your...
19:40No.
19:52Oh!
19:53Hi, Mum. What's for tea?
19:55Children torn limb from limb.
19:58Can I make something for myself?
20:00No. I'm sick of finding food under your bed.
20:03It's like Teenage Mutant Ninja Sandwiches up there.
20:06Where's your sister?
20:08Don't know.
20:09Oh, just give me a minute. Go and do something useful.
20:13All right, what's it worth?
20:16Crisps!
20:18Behind the pans, under the sink.
20:20Right.
20:36Fridge!
20:38Fridge!
20:39Fridge!
20:41Freeze!
20:44Just where have you been?
20:46And what was David doing on his own?
20:48God, it's like a police state.
20:50You need to get those spots seen to, my lad.
20:56Mother, this is Finn.
20:58How do you do?
20:59I am the woman who's throwing you out of her house.
21:02Mother!
21:03Don't mother me.
21:04Now what's he going to think?
21:05Someone named after a washing machine cycle
21:07is in no position to think anything.
21:11Come down here.
21:12I won't.
21:13You'd better.
21:14I've had just about as much as I can take today.
21:16I know you think I'm just a thing that does everything round here,
21:19but what about me? What about my feelings?
21:21I'm a person too.
21:25Oh, come here.
21:28I'm sorry.
21:30Eww!
21:33I'm going upstairs to watch a video of Nasty.
21:41Come on.
21:49I've been to the school.
21:52Oh.
21:53Funeral arrangements.
21:57A bit gross, huh?
21:58Even for an amateur.
21:59Everyone else is a regular boyfriend.
22:01I just...
22:03I just wanted to see him.
22:05So what have you been doing afternoons?
22:07Looking in new shops.
22:09He wants a motorbike.
22:10A motorbike?
22:12Yes.
22:13Have you any idea how dangerous those things are?
22:15People are always coming off them.
22:18Do you know what bikers are like?
22:19What?
22:20Well, sometimes they don't wear anything under...
22:25Well, anyway.
22:27Tell me about Rince.
22:28Spin.
22:29Spin.
22:33That isn't his real name.
22:34Really?
22:35No.
22:37It's Scott.
22:39Totally nerdy.
22:42Do you like him?
22:43Well...
22:45I think so.
22:46And he likes you?
22:48He likes girls that are interested in bikes.
22:52And are you interested?
22:55I know what you're trying to tell me.
22:57Look, I'm not going to give you any advice.
22:58It's not my place.
22:59But I will say this.
23:01You're old enough now to be trusted.
23:03And that means no more lies.
23:07Why do you think your father and I respect each other?
23:09Well...
23:10Apart from that.
23:12Because we're always totally honest with one another.
23:15And I expect the same from you now you're growing up.
23:19I understand.
23:20And I want you to promise me that you won't get on one of those dangerous things without telling me first.
23:25OK.
23:26And that goes for the motorbike, too.
23:32You're pretty cool.
23:33For a mother.
23:34Yeah, my bras are built by Frigidaire.
23:37No!
23:38Hello?
23:39Hello, it's me.
23:40Hello, me.
23:41Oh, what a day, eh?
23:42Oh, we're...
23:43Oh, it's been awful.
23:44We haven't stopped for a minute.
23:46This duck is boiling and he's taking a bath.
23:48Major overhaul.
23:50Got a big stereo, has he?
23:52Yes, I am in a bath.
23:54Look, it was just a few doors away and Gerry wanted a quick one.
23:57You know how it is.
23:58Yes, I know.
24:00So I'm just here for the one, yeah?
24:03Where is it?
24:04I could come and meet you.
24:05We could get some takeaway for the kids.
24:06No, you wouldn't like it.
24:07It's a real dive.
24:08Brief encounters or something.
24:14Yeah.
24:15All right.
24:17Yeah, OK.
24:18Bye.
24:27Jenny?
24:28I'm going out for a while.
24:30You're in charge.
24:31All right.
24:32Where are you going?
24:34I think I left my purse at the shop.
24:37David!
24:39I'm in charge.
24:41I'm making sandwiches.
24:42No, you're not.
24:43Yes, I am.
24:44No.
24:45Yes.
24:46No.
24:47Yes.
24:48I said no.
25:02Hello.
25:09Hi there, toots.
25:12How about me buying you and me a couple of draughts of love juice?
25:16I'm looking for someone.
25:17Hey, I'm someone.
25:19Would you go away, please?
25:21It's because I'm short, isn't it?
25:23No, it's because you're a prat.
25:26Now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to find my husband.
25:29You could look around, if you like.
25:31You do that.
25:32What's he look like?
25:35Brown hair, blue eyes and a guilty expression.
25:38Blue eyes.
25:39Guilty.
25:40Height?
25:41Average.
25:42Four foot seven.
25:45All right.
25:46I shall return, sweet lady.
25:49Oh, my God.
25:52Rona?
25:57Hi.
25:58Have you seen Ben?
25:59Yeah.
26:00He was here.
26:01What's up?
26:02Nothing.
26:03I just thought I'd come and surprise him.
26:04You should have seen his face when I tapped him on the shoulder.
26:07I'll bet.
26:09Well, where is he?
26:11He left.
26:12Soon as he found out this was a singles bar, he went back home.
26:17As slowly as he could?
26:18No.
26:19Now, come on, Bill.
26:20You know him.
26:21He was out of here like a shot.
26:23Aw.
26:24You should have seen him.
26:25In case the little woman found out he was in a pick-up joint.
26:29Oh, yes.
26:30This is Robbie.
26:31This is the little woman.
26:33No offence.
26:34It's just that if I ever get itched, my woman's going to nose the boss.
26:38I see.
26:39You can't help it.
26:40You've got smaller brains.
26:45He'd better be a damn good mechanic.
26:48I'd better get back.
26:49Nice to meet you.
26:50Yeah, I'd stay and chat, but this uterus is a mental handicap.
26:54I'll see you.
26:58You find him?
26:59No, he isn't here.
27:00Aw.
27:01So you're free.
27:03No, I'm very expensive.
27:24Need a lift?
27:37OK, sunshine.
27:38Brown sauce or mayonnaise?
27:41Go, wild man!
27:42Ooh!
27:43Ooh!
27:44Ooh!
27:45Ooh!
27:46Ooh!
27:47Ooh!
27:48Ooh!
27:55Don't squash it down.
27:57Please.
27:58What, like this?
28:01It's not as bad as your face!
28:03Oh, shut up.
28:07So, did your mum get that letter I put in her bag from the school?
28:11Uh-huh.
28:13And?
28:14Nothing. She sorted it out.
28:16I'll get the coffee. She sorted it out.
28:46I'll get the coffee.
29:16I'll get the coffee.