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00:00🎵
00:28Hello?
00:31Anybody home?
00:51Pizza!
01:00You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
01:11And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips
01:22You're trying hard not to show it, baby
01:28But baby, baby, I know it
01:34You've lost that loving feeling
01:43Please, let me have your underpants!
01:46Ah yes, but will you watch them?
01:48I'd rather die!
01:49Here, your bouquet
01:50Little's, my favourite!
01:54I can't believe I'm carrying both your jeans
01:57Spit them out and leave them on the side of your plate
02:00But my sides are splitting with me
02:02Orf, orf
02:03Let's put her back in the test tube and have a girl next time
02:06Give me those
02:07You sure there are weights?
02:08Just pull them all up and let God sort them out
02:11I did it!
02:12What?
02:13The shopping
02:14Yes
02:15Well, aren't you going to say thanks?
02:16I do it every week and you never say thanks
02:19Oh, yeah
02:20Oh, thanks
02:22No, it's alright
02:23Oh, come on!
02:27Thank you
02:38Well, they were an offer
02:49I like oven chips
02:51I did it!
02:53Thanks
02:55Well, where's the cleaning stuff?
02:57Cleaning stuff?
03:00I'll go back tomorrow
03:03Next time I'll make a list
03:06Mum!
03:08It's Gran!
03:09She's at the station
03:10Right
03:13Why is she at the station?
03:19I was waiting for the right moment
03:21There is no right moment
03:22Well, is there anything I can do to help?
03:24Yes, wipe down the kitchen worktop with some oven chips
03:29David!
03:30This is not tidying
03:32You can't see it
03:33You can't see Alistair Burnett's bum
03:35But I know it's there
03:36Where did that come from?
03:38Gran, it's gone
03:39Well, take it back there
03:40Give me that biscuit
03:42And take those comics up to your bedroom
03:44I always just want these
03:46Then it'll be right at home
03:48Up!
03:49Why can't I pick her up in the van?
03:51I'm not giving her a head start
03:52It'll be bad enough as it is
03:54Anyone would think the Queen was coming
03:56Yeah, well, she'd be less fussy
03:58Have you moved your things into David's room?
04:00Every time she comes, I have to sleep in a slime pit
04:03Don't sit there!
04:04What do you want me to do, hover in the air?
04:06If you wouldn't mind
04:09Oh, that's where that got to
04:10Well, what got to?
04:11I don't know, but if you wanted, it's up the cleaner now
04:15Jenny, let her in, Marie
04:16Anything else?
04:17Yes, run off with the gypsy and join the circus
04:22Wife!
04:23Jenny!
04:24Come here
04:29Right
04:31She can't get me on the house or the van
04:33She's sleeping in Jenny's room, so she can't get me on that
04:35Have I forgotten anything?
04:36There's my black mass candles and sacrificial chickens
04:40You may yet need them
04:41Here's the car keys
04:43That's fun
04:44You sure it's all right, David's sleeping over?
04:46Sure
04:47Can I have the bedroom with a mouse?
04:48No
04:50What's all the fuss? She's only your mother, Bill
04:53You haven't heard the story about the night the Germans bombed the Odeon?
04:56Time to go. Come on, number one son
05:00Remember the drill?
05:01Yeah
05:02What's that?
05:03It's just a little aid to sanity
05:05If she's being particularly irritating
05:07Just think it might be the last time you ever see her
05:10Usually puts things into perspective
05:13I have some job with Bill
05:15Coat on, Jenny
05:17God, she even smokes in the car
05:19Coat
05:20It's like kissing an ashtray
05:24How does she know?
05:27Thanks, Rona
05:28It's only for two nights
05:29You're welcome
05:30What is the story when the Germans bombed the Odeon? I don't know that
05:33You will, Oscar. You will
05:35You will
05:41What's the matter, Jen?
05:43Got a problem in your throat?
05:45Something like that
05:47Gran, tell us about when the Odeon was bombed
05:51I'll never forget
05:54There were bodies everywhere
05:56There were two identical twins inside
05:59And do you know, when they gathered up the bits
06:02They didn't know which bit belonged to which twin
06:08I think I'll open the window
06:11This your car, is it?
06:13No, Mum. I told you, it's Rona's
06:16You remember Rona?
06:17Oh, yes
06:21So what happened to your car?
06:23It's in the lock-up
06:25Ben's working on it
06:27Yes, but I'm still waiting for the right part
06:29What?
06:30Sarah's Madonna
06:35Passing the cemetery
06:44We've put you in Jenny's room, Mum
06:46Shall I take this out?
06:47No, first things first
06:49David, come on. Come on, sit here
06:51Come on, Jen. Come and sit next to your gran
06:56There you are, David
06:57That's for you
06:59Cyborg blood rights
07:01Oh, thanks, Gran
07:03We don't really like him watching those, Mum
07:05Well, he'll see them anyway
07:08Here you are, Jen. That's yours
07:11I hope it's the right size
07:14Thanks
07:15Well, come on in. Let's see it
07:28David!
07:30I don't mind if you want to change it
07:32Well, of course she won't want to change it
07:38Well, I'll just hang it up then, before I get wrinkles
07:43Right. I expect you're hungry. Chicken alright?
07:47Yes. Or a nice bit of fish
07:50We've got chicken
07:52Gran, tell me again about when the Germans bombed the army
07:55Why don't you get your things ready for Romas?
07:59I always find chicken repeats on me, don't you?
08:03No, I don't always find chicken repeats on me
08:06Ben, do you always find chicken repeats on you?
08:11Why don't I go to the chip shop?
08:12Don't go to any trouble. It's just that chicken always repeats on me
08:17I'll go to the chip shop
08:18Oh, well, you have that then, and I'll have the chicken
08:21Only fried stuff goes right through me
08:25But chicken repeats on you
08:27Yes, but it doesn't go right through me
08:30Alright. I think we might have some place in mushroom sauce in the freezer
08:35Oh, I don't want you to go to any trouble
08:37It's no trouble
08:39Do you want a hand?
08:40No, thanks
08:55Right
09:21Right. Fish it is. Everybody happy?
09:24Couldn't be happier
09:26Good
09:28By the way, we're sleeping in Jenny's room now. Won't that be fun?
09:32Oh. Well, I'll just get meself sorted out
09:45It's alright. I can manage
09:49And they didn't know which bit belonged to which body
09:54That is a good story
09:56What's this?
09:57Er, how would you like to blow up your airbed now?
10:00Can we?
10:01Yeah, it's upstairs in your room
10:02No
10:06Hello
10:07Hi
10:08How's it going back at the front?
10:10She thinks I'm borrowing some milk
10:12I've had to come out for care in the community
10:15I'm just getting ready for David. You couldn't give us a hand and stash those in the airing cupboard, could you?
10:19Oh, yeah
10:22Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
10:27Saturday?
10:29Honestly, to my mother, children aren't something to love. They're something that loves you
10:35Well, you do love her, don't you?
10:37Oh, yes, I love her. I just don't like her
10:41Hi, Rona
10:42Hi
10:44Mother, can I see Scott tomorrow night?
10:46What are you doing over here?
10:48You never let us be alone together
10:50It's like being a nun
10:52I don't think you'll want Scott to see you tomorrow night
10:56Why?
10:57Because you'll be wearing that nice dress your gran bought me last year
11:03You can't make me do that
11:05Mother, even Doris Day would look dorky in that
11:08Life's tough, isn't it?
11:10Oh, God
11:11And why have you left her alone with Dad?
11:13I don't want to see you rushing back
11:15Rona, you're shaking like a person
11:18Oh, just leave her alone
11:24Look, your gran's only with us for two nights
11:28I know she can be a bit difficult, but we've just got to make allowances
11:32Just put up with her with good grace like me and your father
11:36Hi
11:37Just came to see how you were getting on
11:39Fine, thank you
11:41Oh, I'll go back then, shall I?
11:43Yes
11:44You coming?
11:46In a minute
11:47Me too
11:52Wrong inflatable
11:57Hi, Ben
11:58Hi
11:59Well, look, we'd better get back before she misses us
12:02Well, look, we'd better get back before she misses us
12:05Yeah
12:07Oh, come on, you lot. How bad can she be?
12:14Hello
12:16Yes
12:18Yes, it is. Oh, you remembered me
12:21Yeah
12:24That's right
12:25The tart
12:28Well, so far so hideous
12:33What was worse for you?
12:35Everything
12:36You?
12:37The same
12:39Do you think we'll get like that?
12:41No
12:42When I'm old, I'm going to be really weird
12:45What stories will you tell?
12:48The one about when my wife's mother came to stay
12:51And they didn't know which bits went with which bodies
12:55Stop it. She might hear you
12:57Let's give her something to really hear
13:01Oh, yes!
13:03You're having a storm
13:06She must have done it at least once
13:10What do you think she's here for?
13:12Just the usual. To make our lives a living hell
13:20What's that?
13:21Relax. Probably just a serial killer
13:27She's going downstairs
13:33Mum
13:39What are you doing sitting down here in the dark?
13:42I didn't want to disturb anybody
13:45You're not disturbing us
13:48Disturbing us?
13:50We love having you here
13:52What's the trouble?
13:54Do you want a drink?
13:56Alright then
14:03What do you want? Coffee?
14:05Well, only if you're making it
14:07I seem to be
14:09Yes, please
14:19Where do you keep your coffee, Mum?
14:22In the cupboard by the fridge
14:26It's tidier there
14:30Sugar?
14:31By the cereals
14:40Is Benny in bed?
14:42Yes, unless you moved him somewhere else
14:45I get used to things in certain places
14:50Mum
14:51Do we have to fight over this battlefield every time we see each other?
14:55Battlefield?
14:59You haven't mentioned what this visit's all about
15:04Do you remember Connie Wells?
15:06Didn't she used to live opposite you and Dad when you first got married?
15:09How is she?
15:10They're burying her tomorrow afternoon
15:13Is she a friend?
15:15No, not really
15:19Yes
15:20You know you've got a cobweb up there in that corner
15:24Okay, so you're not going to tell me
15:26Haven't you got a long feather, Duster?
15:31Look, the kettle will be boiled in a minute
15:33If you want me, I'll be where I belong
15:36In the young daughter's room
15:38Goodnight
15:40I'll be alright
15:43Just didn't want to disturb anybody
15:50No, I think I'll just have two
15:53Well, make up your mind
15:55Will?
15:56I'm sorry, I didn't get much sleep last night
15:5890 pence, please
16:05You seem rather tense
16:06No, I'm not
16:08Oh, no, now I've killed an eclair
16:12Here, you're still brooding about your mother
16:16She won't talk to me, Rona
16:18Have you talked to Jenny?
16:19I've done nothing but talk to Jenny since she got up
16:22She's getting far too serious about drip
16:24Spin
16:25Scott
16:27God knows what they get up to when I'm not there to check
16:30She's becoming so difficult to reason with now she's older
16:35I'm turning into my mother, aren't I?
16:38Yes, and you know I'll be wearing crimpling slacks and listening to Anthony Newley records
16:43We all get like our mothers
16:45It's nature's revenge
16:46I'll probably fill out to 15 stone and be unable to get my bras on without a team of scaffolders
16:52So what's new?
16:55Oh, come on, misery
16:57Let's play blind date
17:00Alright
17:01Next one through the door is my partner for the night
17:04And the experience is going to be like whatever he buys
17:07You're very wrong
17:08Look out
17:12Yes?
17:14A sticky bun, please
17:18And a cream horn
17:23Large or small?
17:28Sweet boys, it's out here
17:30Very nice
17:32My husband has been fiddling about but it doesn't seem to get going whatever he does
17:37Jerry?
17:39Yeah?
17:40What's that in your mouth, mate? There's a draft
17:43Any good?
17:44No, I can't tell
17:45Will you get the circuit tester?
17:47What for?
17:48So I can wire it up to your head and listen to the echoes
17:52To test the circuits
17:54Alright, right
17:57So, you're in this caper now, are you?
18:02Been a long time, Pauline
18:04Still with Bill?
18:06Yep, two kids
18:08Should have guessed you'd marry her
18:11You threw me over, as I recall
18:13You say?
18:15Funny how things worked out
18:17Is it?
18:18I still got married in white, you know
18:20So what's his name?
18:22Trevor
18:23So what's his name?
18:24Trevor
18:25Should have realised no one called Trevor would be up to much
18:28Oh, I don't know
18:29Trevor Brookin, Trevor Francis
18:32My Trevor just manages these days as well
18:34Here you go
18:35Cheers
18:36I'll pour the tea
18:41You know, I think I might have just scored to you
18:46Don't even think about it
18:48She'd have you for breakfast
18:50Anything else, sir?
18:52And, er, half a dozen of those tarts
18:58Two pounds twenty, please
19:04Oh, I just thought it
19:06Next one's mine again
19:08No, it's girls
19:10She hates me
19:11She told Kevin I was a slag
19:13The bitch, she's a slag
19:15She's put it about the whole class
19:17So I called her a cow in front of Janice
19:19She is a slag
19:20She just took it
19:21A slag?
19:22Yes
19:23Two jam donuts
19:25You're out early, aren't you?
19:27What?
19:28From the rank charm school
19:30Some of the teachers called a wildcat strike
19:33The whole of the fourth year got sent home
19:35Oh?
19:37Should we go see Kevin and Ross?
19:39Yeah, his mum's out till six
19:41And there's a lock on his bedroom
19:44Go on, I'll cover for you
19:46It's never busy Wednesday
19:47Thanks
19:48She's probably not doing anything
19:50Yes, and Bruce Forsythe has all his own hair
20:02Hello, love
20:04Mum, stop it
20:06This is my daughter
20:08Bill, this is Charlie Wells
20:10Pleased to meet you
20:11Mum
20:12I'm sure we could make a detour
20:14It's alright
20:15No trouble
20:16No, I'll be fine, thanks
20:17Are you sure?
20:18Yes
20:21What am I doing?
20:26Ants in ice cream
20:33Oh, we're just finishing up
20:35Will you get the receipt book, Gerry?
20:43We're still house training him
20:47Can I ask you a question?
20:49Can I ask you an honest question?
20:52Depends on whether you want an honest answer
20:55Still fancy me?
20:58Well, it's immaterial, really, isn't it?
21:00Needn't be
21:02Oh, yes
21:04I expect you get called out at all hours
21:08And what will Trevor do?
21:09Bring on the oranges at half time?
21:13He doesn't have to be here
21:16Pretty hot in here, eh?
21:21You're telling me
21:24I'm glad I ran into you again
21:26I just wanted to say thanks
21:28What for?
21:29That trouble with the van
21:31Oh, that
21:32That could happen to anyone
21:33They're pretty hefty
21:34Particularly if you can't drive
21:36It looked to me as if you could drive
21:39Oh, I had a few lessons once
21:41But I never took the test
21:42Why not?
21:45Dunno
21:47Never had the time, I suppose
21:50I'm married, you know, with two kids
21:53That's not who you are
21:54That's what you do
21:57I never thought of it like that
21:59Anyway, thanks
22:01You're welcome
22:03I'll have to go
22:04Oh, my God, I forgot, so do I
22:10Hey!
22:12You never told me who you are
22:20Jenny?
22:22Jenny?
22:23Oh, no
22:31All right, you two, I suppose you think...
22:36Do you really?
22:43Well?
22:48Think I've run out of cigarettes?
22:51Look, just forget about the bloody cigarettes for a moment
22:53This is important
22:55Oh, well, I know you don't approve
22:57But I just need one
22:59Oh
23:01I think we should talk, don't you?
23:04All right
23:06I'll see you later
23:08I think we should talk, don't you?
23:10All right
23:12I'm ready
23:14I really don't know how to begin
23:16Except with all those old things
23:18What old things?
23:20You know, to think that this should happen in my house
23:22I trust you
23:24And this is how you repay me
23:26Not very original
23:28How about, um, you're old enough now to know better
23:30I always liked that one
23:32I always liked that one
23:36So, what's the story?
23:40Your father and I were married for 41 years before he died
23:42And you know how much I loved him
23:44And yet
23:46All that time
23:50I never felt really satisfied
23:54Are you saying...
23:56Oh, no, no, no, no, not that
23:58Oh, I know you think that orgasms came along
24:00In the 60s
24:02With the plastic hip joints
24:04And President Nixon
24:06But we had our moments
24:08Now, it's just that
24:12I was always so busy cooking and cleaning
24:14And looking after you
24:16It wasn't until quite a long time
24:18That I realised
24:20That something was missing
24:24I see
24:26Then I met Charlie Wells
24:28But we were both married
24:30And it just wasn't done
24:32So we decided to wait
24:34And all those years
24:36I've been wondering what it would be like
24:40And today you thought you'd find out
24:42Yes
24:44And the strange thing is
24:46That wasn't what was missing after all, was it?
24:48How did you know?
24:50I don't know
24:52Oh, why didn't you tell me this before?
24:54I'm your mother
24:56That's not who you are, that's what you do
24:58Eh?
25:00Nothing
25:02So what you're saying is
25:04You waited all this time to find out
25:06That it wasn't worth it
25:08I don't know whether to laugh or to cry
25:10My friend
25:22What do you look like, Jen?
25:26I'm going upstairs
25:30Down, down the door
25:36Mum
25:40David, I told you not to watch that film
25:42It's sick
25:44They're only robots
25:48I'm going to swap it for a Walt Disney
25:50Then we'll all be sick
25:52Is it safe?
25:54She's gone
25:56Can you hear the all clear?
25:58Dad, she's hurt my teeth
26:00Nothing but 90 minutes of gratuitous violence and car crashes
26:02Good
26:04Have you eaten?
26:06Ah, yeah, I got a burger
26:08Cherry called
26:10Thought you were home
26:12I had some stuff to do in the lock-up
26:14What stuff?
26:16Oh, you know, pipes and things
26:18Ben
26:20I was thinking of taking my driving test
26:22Oh, yeah
26:24That'll give you the incentive to fix the car
26:26Car
26:28You did say you'd been to the lock-up
26:30Oh, yeah, the car
26:32Yeah, right, yeah
26:36You alright?
26:40What is it?
26:42It's nothing, it's just
26:44Every time she goes
26:46I always think it might be the last time I ever see her
26:48Oh, no, not her
26:52She'll be back
26:54There's also that
27:02Alright, you two
27:04Ten o'clock bedtime, the pair of you
27:06Oh, Mum
27:08Bed or else
27:10Or else what?
27:12Well, I was hoping to spare you this
27:14But you leave me no choice
27:18Get on
27:22Hey, welcome to 142
27:24It's good to have you here
27:26Hey
27:28It's not unusual
27:32It's not unusual
27:34To have fun with anyone
27:38To see you hang about
27:40With anyone
27:42Hey, it's not unusual
27:44To see me cry
27:46That's so embarrassing
27:48Sleep well
27:50It's not unusual
27:52To go to bed at any time
27:56To see you hanging out and about
27:58Is such a crime
28:00If you should ever
28:02Want to be left by anyone
28:06It's not unusual
28:08Hey, it happens every day
28:10No matter what they say
28:12You'll find it happens all the time
28:18Love will never do
28:20What you want it to
28:24Why can't this crazy love be mine?
28:42It's not unusual to be
28:44In love with anyone
28:46It's not unusual
28:48To be sad when you
28:50Can't take it anymore
28:52If you should ever
28:54Want to be left by anyone
28:56It's not unusual
28:58It's not unusual
29:00To be in love with anyone
29:06Okay, thanks for coming
29:08I'll see you next week, same time, same place
29:10Thank you