Home Time - 102 [couchtripper][U]
Transcript
00:00Bloody hell, all right, Gaynor. I heard you were back.
00:03I'm not... Just a tiff, then? No!
00:05No, no, of course not. I don't want to see anyone.
00:07Bloody hell, Gay! SHE SCREAMS
00:10Who's your tit? Been 12 years, Kel.
00:1212 years.
00:13Not a visit, not a phone call?
00:15What happened to your G?
00:16We were your friends, Gaynor. What made you reject us?
00:20And we got you this.
00:21It's a tattoo.
00:23We'll look after you now.
00:25We'll take care of your picture.
00:27Vigotin!
00:29SHE SCREAMS
00:33Gay?
00:34Gay?
00:36Gay?
00:38Gaynor?
00:40Gaynor?
00:42Gaynor!
00:44Gaynor!
00:46Gaynor!
00:49Gaynor!
00:52Gaynor!
00:54Gaynor!
00:57Gaynor!
01:01Gaynor!
01:05Yes, Mum?
01:08You should sleep in, my love.
01:10Have yourself a rest.
01:15Thanks, Mum.
01:21Roy, get this.
01:23She's going to have a lie-in.
01:26THEME SONG PLAYS
01:56SHE SIGHS
02:00SHE SCREAMS
02:02Shit! Ow!
02:05PHONE RINGS
02:10It's for me.
02:12It's for me, everybody.
02:16Hiya, Mel.
02:18Oh, last night, eh?
02:20Three words.
02:22Only in Cov.
02:24Why? What happened?
02:26Well, you know, erm...
02:28..we all got a bit drunk.
02:32Yeah.
02:34Oh, Gigi, everything feels spot-on now you're back.
02:37It's all slid back into place like a big, heavy gate.
02:42Feels good, doesn't it?
02:44Yeah.
02:46Now, then, what are you going to do with the rest of your life?
02:49Erm... Becky said you need a job.
02:51Why's she saying that for?
02:53I'm all right, I've only just got back.
02:55Why's she sticking her beak in for?
02:57I don't know, G. I don't know.
02:59Becky, why are you sticking your beak in for?
03:01Cos I'm her best bloody friend, that's why.
03:04Say I see her get hit by a train,
03:06I'm not just going to film it on my mobile phone,
03:08I'm going to dive in there with a bin bag and an ambulance.
03:11It's what friends are for.
03:13Tell her I got her keys.
03:15Becky's very angry. She says she's got your keys.
03:17Mel, stop staring. Yeah, sorry, G, sorry.
03:19Kelly, Gaynor says she loves you and she wants to see you get.
03:22Wicked?
03:24No, Kel, I'm staring.
03:26All right, tell her.
03:28Erm, tell her.
03:30Kelly says you're a bitch.
03:32Yeah.
03:34Anyways, we've been talking, you need to grow up.
03:36And get a job. Yeah, and a man.
03:38Yeah, a job and a man.
03:40So, who do you fancy? Who?
03:42Mike Dodd, Lee Barron or Darren Barwick?
03:44Darren Barwick wouldn't look twice.
03:46All right, Mike Dodd or Lee Barron?
03:48Who's Mike Dodd? Mike Dodd.
03:50Mike Dodd.
03:52Is it him?
03:54I remember in infants when Becky said
03:56I'd never get a boyfriend unless I glued my bum shut
03:59and melted wood glue in my sports shorts
04:01and Miss Baxter panicked and stuck googly eyes on my ass cheeks
04:04and all the boys sang Eli Lara in the toilets while I tried to scrub them off.
04:08Except one boy who was off ill.
04:10That was Mike Dodd.
04:12Black lad with asthma!
04:14Oh, yeah. He's kept his hair.
04:16Trained as an occupational therapist
04:18and now he's a freelance sports masseuse.
04:20So, do you want him, then? No.
04:22She wants Mike Dodd.
04:24As for a job, you, round Becky's tonight.
04:27Dinner party, come skills showcase.
04:29All bets contacts will be there, head honchos and that.
04:32You'll be in work by Monday, Gigi.
04:34Imagine, self-sufficient, money in your pocket,
04:38on your own two feet.
04:40I'm coming round yours now.
04:42We're not going to have breakfast first?
04:44Oh, yeah. Mum! Where's the Maggie breads?
04:47And three teas!
04:49Where's the juice? You're so bloody lazy.
04:51I said to her, that hip costs taxpayers money.
04:54Use it or lose it.
04:56Laters.
04:58Laters.
05:14Giz a call when you make your first million.
05:16Remember me when you're famous. Tina B.
05:18That's a 95 forever, Ryan.
05:20You wrote your love me on mine. Er, Liza.
05:22Face the rainbow, set the stars.
05:24Let's get on with the rest of our lives.
05:26Roll the fat off you.
05:28Nothing happens unless you make it happen.
05:30You're like a rocket just waiting to get lit and go off.
05:33Love a night, Mel. Nice jugs, D. Barwick.
05:41Mum, I've got to get a job.
05:43Mum!
05:46I've not slept since the break-in.
05:48There wasn't a break-in. I was locked out.
05:50Terrified, I was.
05:52You could have been anyone. Burglar. Sex pest.
05:56I was neither going to rob nor sex you.
05:58I rang the doorbell. I was shouting, Mum.
06:0180% of violent crimes are committed by someone you know.
06:05I simply lost my keys.
06:07Hardly surprising, the state of you.
06:10I mean, what are you girls like nowadays?
06:13Out in the town, rolling home drunk,
06:16incoherent, reeking of alcohol,
06:19laying yourselves open to all sorts of abuse.
06:23Why couldn't I come?
06:25It's the first time I've seen him in 12 years.
06:28Suppose you want some breakfast.
06:33Did you tell him why you're back, huh?
06:35Tell him what you won't tell me.
06:37Mum, they are getting me a job at Becky's cladding firm.
06:40Mel's coming round. Mel's coming? When?
06:43Why didn't you tell me?
06:45Right, clear the dryer and air my new jeans with a sheet of vans.
06:48I'll get down and stock up.
06:50Quiche and a multi-pack of doilies.
06:52Oh!
06:54And potpourri.
06:59Are you excited?
07:01God, Mel. What if they want a case study or a hard-ass business pitch?
07:05Hello, Melanie. How are you?
07:07Hiya, Roy.
07:14Here.
07:22This is good, eh? All back together.
07:25Dad, we're trying to have a private conversation.
07:28Oh.
07:31Ah, well, girls, I'll get out of your hair.
07:36Lovely, Mel. See you again.
07:39I'll have this in the shed.
07:44Where were we?
07:46What if they want PowerPoint or a pie chart?
07:48Should I buy a pointer so I can point at things with that?
07:51It's not my world, G. You know I'm a hippie.
07:54But I have glimpsed it, and you need to know what you're in for.
07:59Don't care what you're seeing down south.
08:01This is Savage. Very high-flyers.
08:03Becky don't eat bread nowadays, only brioche.
08:06Work hard, play hard, cut and thrust, burn out, dead by 35.
08:09That's not enough.
08:11Dead by 35. That's not a name, more of a side effect.
08:15Basically, you're in trouble.
08:20What, are you going away?
08:28What do you think of this? Two really big bollocks.
08:31Perfect. Now, will you stop worrying? It's selfish.
08:35Other people had problems, too. Gandhi had go.
08:38Anyone ever ask how he was?
08:41I need a cigarette.
08:47Sorry, Nan.
08:49Are you all right?
08:51Well, you what? You and Mike Dodd.
08:54That's destiny. For some of us, the hand of fate is a single,
08:57meagre finger pointing at the one that got away.
08:59Who got away from you?
09:01Like you don't know. I don't.
09:03Yeah, you bloody do. I don't.
09:05It was Raj, wasn't it? Raj is the one that got away.
09:08Yeah, well, or did he? The jury's still out on that one.
09:11Is he not with Wendy? Supposedly.
09:13Did they not get married? If you like.
09:15Mum said she saw their ten-year vow on your photos in the back of the Evening Telegram.
09:19Only lasted cos I let it.
09:21Wedding present. Bex and Kel got him a 20-quid Wix voucher
09:24and a book on Feng Shui.
09:26But I gave him the ultimate gift.
09:28Permission to love another.
09:30Parked up outside the church in my car,
09:32playing if you love someone, set them free through the window.
09:35Full blast. Yeah, full blast.
09:37But then, eight months, almost, to the day after he got married,
09:41I get a silent call. Number withheld.
09:44Wendy's a leech. When I was with him, he didn't have nothing.
09:47My birthday, I got a Big Mac and a love bite. Didn't matter.
09:50We were happy. You only went out for two weeks. You were 14.
09:53I had more joy in that two weeks than most people have in a lifetime.
09:57Wendy saw what I had and just took it.
10:00Should have been mine. House, kids, Raj.
10:03She is effectively living my life.
10:07Would you take him back, Mel?
10:10Dunno, Gigi. Not giving it much thought.
10:26Melanie! Oh, Brenda!
10:29Top of the morning to you, Mel. Top of the morning.
10:32And the rest of the day to myself.
10:34I'm having a crack when would that ever happen?
10:37What are you doing with that? It's your Uka suit.
10:40Waste of money, that was.
10:42Going to Bangor? Conditional offer?
10:44Conditional on not abandoning her studies, for God knows what else we're in now.
10:48She's a terrible. Broke all our hearts.
10:51That suit is like a shrine to her potential.
10:54A dream of what she could have been.
10:56Kept pristine, untouched.
10:58Except when I went as Ally McBeal to the Millennium
11:01and got felt up by Private Ryan.
11:03Oh, and I sprayed the shoes silver to be a sexy robe off for breast cancer.
11:08But that should rub off.
11:10Oh, Mel, it's just like old times.
11:12Mum, she's my friend. She's come here to see me.
11:18Now, what are you girls yakking about?
11:21Same old, same old, Brenda.
11:23Love. The one that got away.
11:25Raj, is it? Yeah.
11:27Oh, Mel. You see, the thing with sex...
11:30No! I'll grow up gay now.
11:32Do you know, Mel, I'm the only one of my friends
11:34not to get to go to an Aunt Summer's party with their own daughter.
11:37Sorry, Mammy.
11:41Now, you see, sex itself, it's not difficult.
11:44You can just stick something up somewhere.
11:46You could train a monkey to do it.
11:48But passion, well,
11:51when you've been warmed right through by a man,
11:54you're changed forever.
11:57My first love, his slightest touch
12:00made my body sing. I saw it.
12:02Oh, I craved the man.
12:04The day he looked into my eyes and whispered goodbye.
12:08I've got everything.
12:10How to breathe, how to move, how to speak.
12:14I stood frozen.
12:16How could I take even one step forward without him by my side?
12:21Finally.
12:24Finally.
12:26I looked up. My eyes frenzied.
12:29Searched the crowd for one last glimpse as he walked away.
12:33But he was gone.
12:35It had grown dark while I stood there.
12:38And part of me is standing there still.
12:43And you never saw him again?
12:45Of course I did. It was your Uncle Richard.
12:49Roy's brother.
12:51Oh, well.
12:53Dee-dee-dee.
12:55Best get on.
12:57I love those jeans.
13:01What's with the accent?
13:03She'd gone Irish last month.
13:05What about the Hindi lessons?
13:07Given them up.
13:09What's she going to do with the Shellwalker Mace?
13:11Oxfam. Shall I wear this, then?
13:13Stop fussing. You'll look perfect once your hair's clean.
13:16I'm off.
13:19Keesh, Mel. Keesh?
13:21So's Brent. Got to go.
13:23Aw. Still suffering?
13:25Oh, don't ask, Mel. It'll break your heart, the pain.
13:28I wouldn't wish it on a paedophile.
13:30Would you not, Brent?
13:32No, I take that back, Mel. I would.
13:34Bye.
13:38Where do you see yourself in five years' time?
13:44Sitting where you're sitting.
13:45OK.
13:47Marital status.
13:49I don't need a CV.
13:51I shall presume single.
13:53At least I can't remember being invited to anything.
13:56Could have pawned the ring, I suppose.
13:59I put single question marks.
14:01Flirty. Get them interested.
14:03Righty-ho.
14:05Employment history.
14:10You must have done something.
14:13You must have done something over the last 12 years.
14:16What drove you back?
14:18Do you want me to assume the worst?
14:21Cos that's what they'll do.
14:23Prozzie. Murderess.
14:25Tramp. Drug mule.
14:27Rustler. Terrorist.
14:29Love cheat. Cut purse.
14:31Dropout. Scank.
14:33Just some bar work.
14:35General admin.
14:37You know, helped on the helpline.
14:39Is that why you met Robert?
14:41We could put him down as a referee.
14:43What's his address and phone number?
14:45No need to pry, Bryn.
14:47I've found her record of achievement.
14:49I'm sure it's still good.
14:51Cheers, Roy.
14:53I was just about to tease some meat out of her.
14:55Here we go. Work experience in the care home.
14:58Gaynor is always punctual.
15:01Polite.
15:03Punctual again.
15:05No-one cares about that any more, Roy.
15:07Were you ever late?
15:09No.
15:11You haven't won for 15 years.
15:13We do the math. You're a relic.
15:17A champagne soup and over in the sky
15:33Wake up the dawn and ask her why
15:36Dream a dream, she never dies
15:39Wipe that tear away now from your eyes
15:46Slowly walking down the hall
15:49Faster than a cannonball
15:52Where were you when all we would get high
15:56Someday you'll find me
16:00Hoping even I won't slide
16:04In a champagne soup and over in the sky
16:09Someday you'll find me
16:12Hoping even I won't slide
16:16In a champagne soup and over...
16:25Nervous, love?
16:30Sod them, gay.
16:32Everyone's got a bum hole.
16:40Hello?
16:42Mel?
16:43Hiya, G.
16:44What are you doing here?
16:46Mel, piss off answering the door.
16:48You're only catering.
16:49It's Gaynor.
16:50You're early.
16:51I'll buzz you in and then your name's on the list with the concierge.
16:54Mind your manners.
16:55His dad's a mercenary.
16:57I'm not a mercenary.
16:59I'm not a mercenary.
17:01I'm not a mercenary.
17:03I'm not a mercenary.
17:05I'm not a mercenary.
17:07Mind your manners.
17:08His dad's a mercenary.
17:14Is that your ochre suit?
17:16Yeah, is it all right?
17:17If you want to be formal.
17:18I'm going to dress down.
17:27Got a resume?
17:29Sort of.
17:30Don't push too hard.
17:31Stick it on the poof.
17:33They'll see it if they need it.
17:35Right.
17:36Let's have a guided tour.
17:42This is the live-sleep space.
17:44That's the bed.
17:45That folds down.
17:47Solid.
17:48It's been well tested.
17:49That's the table.
17:50That comes down.
17:51Also solid.
17:52You can't have them both down at once.
17:54So what?
17:55That's where I have sex.
17:56That's where I eat.
17:58Never the twang.
17:59Balcony.
18:00That's the lav.
18:01That's the kitchen.
18:02How's it going in there, Mel?
18:03Running out of surfaces.
18:04We'll use the ironing board.
18:06Pops out if you tug the vegetable rack.
18:10Clever.
18:11Yeah.
18:12It's got the lot in there.
18:15Get on your knees.
18:21Underfloor heating.
18:24Very space-age.
18:26What's your mortgage?
18:27Don't ask, G.
18:28Don't fucking ask.
18:29She's paying for the postcode.
18:30Damn straight.
18:32CV1.
18:33Creamer Coff.
18:35Other side of that wall.
18:36Barrister.
18:37There.
18:38Pilot.
18:39Upstairs.
18:40Chief web architect for Glaxo.
18:42Big on current affairs.
18:43Really?
18:44Yeah.
18:45I can hear his telly from the toilet.
18:50Hiya, lads.
18:51Listen for the buzz.
18:54Right.
18:55Which lighting state?
18:57That one.
18:59Or this one?
19:03I like what you had.
19:05Yeah.
19:08This place was built for the new Cov.
19:10Café culture.
19:11Shop's still shut at six,
19:13but our stock won't leave the cafes till 7.30.
19:16Court to eight.
19:18We're the lifeblood of this city now.
19:21It will be remade in our image.
19:27What?
19:28What are you eating?
19:29Chip paninis.
19:30I've got catering.
19:31Oh, right.
19:32Yeah.
19:36Steve, Edgar.
19:37This is Gayla.
19:38Hi.
19:39I wouldn't shake Edgar's.
19:40He had the gravy.
19:41I had pure chip.
19:42I'm minimalist.
19:44Shall we?
19:46You know my brother, Ryan.
19:48Big Ryan?
19:49Yeah.
19:50You know my mum?
19:51Do I?
19:52The lady bus driver.
19:53Route 14.
19:54Have you buzzed her?
19:55Yeah.
19:56She's semi-retired now.
19:57Just does the mobility bus up Spon End on Monday.
19:59Oh, my mum loves her.
20:00Always a tissue spare.
20:02Sorry, lads.
20:03Don't mind me.
20:04I'm just facilitating the eats.
20:09Will you do it a year below us?
20:11Two years.
20:12Plus 97.
20:13Done all right, haven't we?
20:15We brung this.
20:16It's well old.
20:17I got wine.
20:18Don't like wine.
20:19The same stuff as he likes, bet, bet.
20:21I'll have that and all, then.
20:23Please.
20:24How would you like it, sir?
20:25Just with some cola.
20:26I didn't bring cola.
20:27All right.
20:28Just with some ice.
20:30Yeah.
20:31Just ice, tar.
20:37This is nice, isn't it?
20:39Steve's got a flat in the old Peugeot factory, mind.
20:41Yeah, it's still good, though.
20:43CV1 borders.
20:44CV1.
20:45I'm not being pretty, bet, bet.
20:47But your ice stinks.
20:48Smell that.
20:51Oh, man, that is well niffy.
20:53Oh.
20:54That's the sushi done.
20:56Oh.
20:57Oh, that's lovely.
20:59See, the pineapple on the salmon, it just lifts it.
21:02Right tasting, my love.
21:04So anyway, first day there, I says to her,
21:07well, Rebecca, she goes,
21:09oi, that's Becky.
21:11Becky with a K-Y.
21:13I knew what she meant.
21:23Well, I'll get the afters.
21:25Sorry.
21:26Well, I'll get the afters.
21:28So, er, I hear you're a bit of a businesswoman, Gaynor.
21:35Sell me this pen.
21:40OK.
21:41This is a very great biro.
21:43Er, black ink.
21:45So spot-on for Reaper graphics.
21:47And more grown-up than blue.
21:49Er...
21:50Safety hole lid.
21:52So a serious pen with minimal...
21:55Minimal choke hazard.
21:57Whoa there. Back off.
21:59What's your first mistake?
22:05That's already mine.
22:07That's my pen.
22:09Why would I want to buy my own pen?
22:11Let Becky do it.
22:19This your pen?
22:20Yeah.
22:21Do you want it back?
22:22Yeah.
22:23How much?
22:24That's my pen.
22:31How much now?
22:35See...
22:36Assuming I'm heterosexual...
22:38Best value added.
22:40Nice one, Bex.
22:42How much, Steve?
22:44All right, then, er...
22:46A fiver.
22:47Ten?
22:48Ten it is.
22:51And that is how it's done.
22:53Right.
22:55Cranberry stilton, Ritz crackers,
22:57and three grams of Coke.
22:59Oh.
23:00Forgot the straws.
23:03There you go.
23:05You all right to share?
23:07Er...
23:08I can't.
23:10I'm on antibiotics.
23:12And me.
23:13Come on, high flyers.
23:16It's rude of my guest, son.
23:18Bloody hell, Bex.
23:19I had to crotch that.
23:20I saw PCP in Asda and panicked.
23:23All right, all right.
23:25Another time, yeah?
23:26It keeps, doesn't it?
23:27Should do.
23:29Put it in the fridge.
23:30Well, there you go, then.
23:34So, lads.
23:36Cheesy Ritz?
23:40Bet you don't recognise half of this.
23:42Rico Arena.
23:44Ikea.
23:45That's more like it.
23:47That's my place over that way.
23:49My dad used to work there.
23:50Yeah?
23:51Not the original factory features.
23:52Still there.
23:54They play MTV through the tannoys.
23:57That's progress.
24:02So, what's the verdict?
24:04On what?
24:05On me coming to Copcorn Cloud.
24:07I feel I could bring a radically fresh perspective.
24:12Even just part-time.
24:14Don't embarrass yourself, Peggy.
24:16The job's yours.
24:19Really?
24:21Oh, that's great.
24:24You don't know the half of it.
24:26Come Monday, you're going to be someone.
24:29Five-figure salary.
24:31Incentives.
24:32VIP pass to three Top Cov night spots.
24:36You and Becky down Ascot Ladies' Day
24:38while me and Edgar are checking out birds at Polecats.
24:42This city is my playground.
24:45And I'm handing you the keys to the sandpit.
24:48Look at it.
24:50Give me two years.
24:52That'll be wall-to-wall cladding.
24:54I'm going to clad it all.
25:02Bumhole.
25:03Sorry?
25:04You've got one.
25:05It's all right, so have I.
25:07But no.
25:08No, no, no, no.
25:10No.
25:11No.
25:14Well, thank you very much for asking.
25:18Edgar, we're gone, mate.
25:31I'm sorry, Beck-Beck.
25:33Don't Beck-Beck me, you twat.
25:35Do you know what he said?
25:36Damaged goods.
25:38Like I pitched him a penthouse and sold him a tent.
25:41Your workplace is a furnace, Becks.
25:44She's a kid.
25:45She got singed.
25:47Gee, there's other things you can do.
25:49Retail, temping.
25:51Medical trials.
25:52Works for Kel.
25:54What do you think you could manage?
25:56I think I could manage a gap year.
25:58Bloody gap year?
25:59How's she going to pay you for tonight?
26:01For the food and that?
26:02And the corporate entertainment?
26:03I'm up here with mates rates.
26:05Zero pounds.
26:06Have some self-respect, Kel.
26:08You don't get nowhere unless you charge what you're worth.
26:11That said, I'm only asking 60 quid for venue hire.
26:14Argh!
26:16This has been a complete waste of time.
26:18Right, I'm calling Mike Dodd.
26:20What?
26:21He's the one you picked.
26:22Might as well get something out of the evening.
26:24Please don't call him.
26:26Too late.
26:28Mike, Becky Hogg.
26:30You're still freelance?
26:32I'm having an emergency.
26:34I'll spray myself.
26:35Both thumbs.
26:37Both thumbs.
26:39And part of my leg.
26:40Lower.
26:41Yeah.
26:42Ow.
26:43Time and half.
26:44Cheers.
26:45Done.
26:46He's on his way.
26:47Yeah!
26:49Kel, put something romantic on.
26:51Yeah.
26:52Right, if we go down the Megaball, we need not be back till midnight.
26:55That give her enough time.
26:56This is the start of a relationship, Bex.
26:58It's not just a quickie.
26:59Right, well, we'll go down the Spread Eagle.
27:01After. Late licence.
27:03Smell your breath.
27:04Ah.
27:05Very salmon.
27:06Got any mints, Bex?
27:07Mint choc chip in the freezer.
27:08Condoms?
27:09Biscuit tin by the bed.
27:11This, this is banging it, yeah?
27:13There's the Xbox for him if you don't want to put out.
27:16Stop it!
27:17I didn't even like Mike Dodd.
27:19I liked Paul Walsh.
27:23I really liked Paul Walsh.
27:26Paul Walsh?
27:28Paul Walsh?
27:30Did you ever...?
27:32No.
27:35Everything but.
27:37Oh.
27:42Sorry, Mike, false alarm.
27:44Pins and needles.
27:45Sure.
27:54Paul Walsh.
28:04Gainer.
28:06Don't conform.
28:08Never compromise.
28:10Stay true to yourself.
28:12Love, Paul.
28:14P.S. It was Luke Leather who drew the cock and tits, not me.
28:17Heartless
28:20Full of blood
28:23Collapsed
28:26The time has come
28:29For you and me
28:32To confront
28:35The job that slowly kills you
28:41And bruises that won't heal