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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:01:00Hey
00:01:04Everybody how we doing? All right, good. Hey one more time for our band, huh black defendants. You're gonna love them
00:01:10Hey, tell you what
00:01:11We're gonna take a few minutes away from all this partying and rocking
00:01:14We'll give a little bit of our time to our friend here Tom Klaus who's gonna say a few things about the bride and groom
00:01:19He's the best man. Give me love everybody. Mr. Tom Klaus everybody, right?
00:01:23Give it up for Andy my man
00:01:31Andy the band leader almost keeping this whole thing in check
00:01:35Hey, if I do the hokey-pokey one more time, I'm going to fucking blow my brains out dad
00:01:42Get some better music. Hey
00:01:44Great wedding though aside from the music cake the bride your suit. I didn't think you had this many friends
00:01:51I knew this day would come. I knew my dad would eventually divorce my mom and get remarried because he's a scumbag
00:01:58I
00:01:59Just saw mom last week. She saw her at the Days Inn. She's doing just fine. He'll be be happy about that
00:02:06She's still living in a hotel
00:02:08Probably turning tricks for money. You know, I just wanted to mention you spent a lot of money in this this wedding dad and
00:02:16Thanks for exhausting your bank account and I will be forever in student loan debt for the rest of my life
00:02:21Cindy you were like 20 years younger than my dad. I
00:02:26Hope you like his old balls
00:02:29Before I leave I have a quote from something from someone that I looked up on the Internet
00:02:37This one say that love is a mirage
00:02:41To happiness and everyone here will die of thirst in the desert of hope
00:02:51I
00:02:55Should have worn a condom a little shit
00:03:21I
00:03:51I
00:04:21I
00:04:51I
00:04:53I
00:05:19You talking to me
00:05:24Are you talking to me I
00:05:28Don't think you're talking to me you sure you're talking to me you're fucking talking to me
00:05:54Ah
00:05:55Just one. No, just one. I need you healthy. I am healthy
00:06:01You know that I'm in great shape
00:06:04Oh my cholesterol
00:06:07Cholesterol, come on one slice of so you're a doctor now, but yeah, I'm
00:06:14One slice of bacon is not gonna make a difference you said you wanted me to make this just so you could smell it
00:06:20Yes, and I smell it and it's delicious. And all I want is just one little taste just one little taste
00:06:28Oh, you're smelling it. It'll titillize your senses. It'll be good. My senses are already being titillized
00:06:35Come on, just one taste, please
00:06:45Hello
00:06:46Hey Alice
00:06:49It's your daughter tell her I'm broke Oh
00:06:53Sweetie, I'm sorry. He's a little busy right now. We can't come to the phone a nice try. Yeah, I heard him
00:07:00So have you gotten any acting gigs lately?
00:07:03Yeah
00:07:06Not not nothing really coming up. Oh
00:07:11Sweetie don't worry about it. Something's gonna come up soon
00:07:14Actually, that's kind of why I was calling I'm up I'm thinking about taking a little break from acting. Oh
00:07:21I'm so surprised
00:07:24Yeah, I was thinking about coming home and seeing you and dad for a little while
00:07:28Well, you know you're going to have to check with your dad about you know coming and staying how long are you thinking of staying?
00:07:35It would it would just be for a couple months
00:07:38Just a little while just so I can clear my head
00:07:41Get things figured out how long she's staying I'm I'm sure we can clear that with your dad
00:07:51Hello hello
00:08:01That's my stuff lady you got an hour to clean your crap off the street we're calling the sanitation
00:08:10I
00:08:40I
00:09:10I
00:09:40I
00:10:10Oh
00:10:30Honey honey, ooh
00:10:41You
00:10:46Okay, I'll
00:10:48Let me wake up Hicks
00:10:50And where the hell's Roger has anybody seen Roger today? He's supposed to be at these meetings gonna dock his pay
00:10:56We're up to item 7 item 7. It looks like there's a rabid dog out in the East neighborhood. You know, it's a gray laboratory
00:11:04It's got the foamy mouth, you know all the symptoms if you see this animal do not hesitate to put him down right then
00:11:10right there
00:11:13Yes, Doug it just three things chief
00:11:16What is the dog's street name if any race and is he or she a previous offender, but I don't know this shit
00:11:22Gee whiz, what do you expect?
00:11:23It's a rabid gray laboratory with a foamy mouth if you encounter this animal shoot the son of bitch right then and there
00:11:29I just want to get all the facts chief. So I'm more capable of making it. I go on please. Can I go on?
00:11:34So
00:11:36We're up to item 8 item 8 is simply this it is against all company policy
00:11:41To shoot an animal who's gone up into a tree and wait for rescue
00:11:47Hey, that's some of the bitches possessed is that I kill him or perform an exorcism. Am I right?
00:11:55Now item 9 this is what you've all been waiting for the dog catcher of the year award
00:12:00We got three positions third second first, I'm gonna do it in order just like the Olympics, okay
00:12:07By the way, this is the most important award that the industry can give. Okay third place
00:12:14Bobby and we're gonna forgive the cat
00:12:17Second place is Doug. The first place is
00:12:20Hector Rosario the counselor in and verified
00:12:23He's done the most dog cat
00:12:27Raccoon Hector, you're the dog catcher of the year
00:12:33Why win any money no Hector
00:12:37This isn't about money. It's about respect. It's about the respect of all your fellow dog catchers
00:12:44Okay. Well, that's all for now if anybody sees Roger tell him to call me right away
00:12:49dismissed
00:12:56Oh
00:13:07Yeah
00:13:12Congratulations
00:13:16For what dog catcher of the year
00:13:19Oh
00:13:23What doesn't everyone get it their first year no
00:13:30No, this is the
00:13:32First year I never got it
00:13:44Well, uh
00:13:47Thanks, man, it's good
00:13:50It's
00:13:55Good
00:13:57I'm happy. I hate you. Oh
00:14:00God
00:14:03It's all over now
00:14:07Because I could fall back on my old job
00:14:12So many glory holes
00:14:19Oh
00:14:45Damn rabbits
00:14:49Oh
00:14:59What the fuck
00:15:19Oh
00:15:49Oh
00:16:19Oh
00:16:47So, how was the trip good
00:16:49It's a long bus ride
00:16:52Thanks, I
00:16:55Thought you were a vegan that was last year dad the vegan thing is so old meat where it's at now
00:17:00I just just a little taste. No, just a little tape. Come on. What's gonna hurt dad?
00:17:05I want you to live a long and fruitful life so you can't have my food
00:17:09You want me to live a long and fruitful life so I can continue to finance your continuing eternal education
00:17:16Actually dad I thought of a new career path that I want to go to school for Brenda I
00:17:25Cannot
00:17:26Continue to finance a fifth. No sixth major for your BFA dad. I know my calling
00:17:32Do you know what BFA stands for better find a what is it job?
00:17:38Because art is not a job. I
00:17:41Know what I meant to do dad. I know what my new career is gonna be and I know it's gonna work
00:17:47What is it now? I'm gonna be a poet
00:17:50you're already a failed actress a failed opera singer a failed painter and
00:17:55Now you want to be a failed poet. I'm an artist. I'm a flower and I need you to water me with your wallet your your
00:18:02problem is
00:18:03That you don't know how to compromise. I do know how to compromise. You don't know how to compromise if you
00:18:08You would compromise you get a job
00:18:11You see this napkin? Yeah, dad. I see the napkin. It's a napkin. What's it for?
00:18:15It's to wipe my face right but with a little compromise I can take the napkin and I can make it into a hat
00:18:22To keep the rain off my head
00:18:25With a little more compromise I can take the napkin and I can make it into a paper airplane
00:18:31How's that, huh?
00:18:33And I can sail it down to the other end of the diner
00:18:36Truthless woman down there who probably has all kinds of white stories to tell us a little more compromised. I
00:18:43Can make it into a veil?
00:18:45To hide the wood on my nose from my husband until my wedding night, but in the end
00:18:51It is a napkin
00:18:54Wipe my face with and don't you think the napkins miserable that you're trying to make it be something. It's not no
00:19:00I don't think it's miserable. I think it's a fucking napkin and it doesn't know how to think
00:19:07You're gonna get a job Brenda, no, I'm not you're gonna get a job by the end of the week or you're out of the
00:19:12house
00:19:13You wouldn't do that to me. I will do it to him
00:19:20Well, so now you want to kill me
00:19:30I
00:20:00I
00:20:30I
00:21:00Oh
00:21:10Don't worry, it's fake. I'm just practicing. What can I do for you? Yeah
00:21:16Job application shit. I was hoping for a customer
00:21:19Well sit down
00:21:21Turns out we we actually have an opening this morning. Do you have any?
00:21:26application prior experience in this area
00:21:29Nope and I'm scared of spiders
00:21:32You never bagged a bee or captured a wombat or caught a dog or napped a cat?
00:21:37Nope. Hmm. Do you have a driver's license?
00:21:41Yeah, but I haven't driven in over a year
00:21:44Well, I'll tell you what, can you put on a hat? I guess you're hired. See you tomorrow
00:21:59I
00:22:09Ma'am yeah. Hey, whatever. Mmm. You're a good one
00:22:17Hey buddy, let me give you a hand with that. Oh, it's okay. I can I can sit
00:22:23What Oh
00:22:25Hector I
00:22:26Mean, I'm really sorry, you know, it's superficial damage. Nothing. Some glue won't fix
00:22:31You did that on purpose
00:22:33Hey
00:22:34Now we're a team here at catchers in the rye when one of us wins we all win, you know
00:22:40I you know, I won you just have the trophy
00:22:43Know what? I mean, buddy
00:22:47No, I don't yeah
00:22:51No
00:22:53May the best man win
00:22:57Oh
00:23:09Well, you know I I
00:23:12was do we care about the trophy anyway, you know, I was gonna peel the label off and
00:23:18Give it up as a trophy for my bowling league that I referee in the evenings
00:23:23Bowling league
00:23:24Yeah, bowling league, you know, you have a ball with the watch it pretty boy
00:23:29That ain't no bowling trophy
00:23:31What that word is about it's about blood sweat tears and everything else that goes into the red white and blue of old glory
00:23:36Well, you just told me is that you were ready to jizz in the face of Lady Liberty
00:23:39All right. Let's just calm down. I'll calm down when you learn to wear that hat with some dignity
00:23:44All right. Look, this is just a job, you know, we used to pay the bills
00:23:48All right. I'd rather be working at Applebee's
00:23:53You're out there making a difference every day and you'd rather work at Applebee's
00:23:58Look speaking of Applebee's let's why don't we go on and have a drink? No, no, fuck that
00:24:02Not after what you just told me. No
00:24:05Now at this point, I'm ready to move to North Korea start some synchronized communist socialist dance squad
00:24:10Besides I don't drink takes the edge off my game
00:24:17What a loser
00:24:23Why
00:24:28Do we have to have a picnic out here in the woods
00:24:30Can't we go to can we have one in the dining room or something?
00:24:33What what what what do we want to be out here for and fresh air? What what do I want fresh air for? I?
00:24:40Have no idea
00:24:42Yeah, but instead of being out here with all the sticks and snakes and shit. We could be at a diner enjoying ourselves
00:24:48Oh, but then again at a diner. I'm not allowed to smoke. So I mean
00:24:52Well, I mean, I don't know. What do you want to do?
00:24:54Babe, you promised me you'd quit. I did quit. I mean, I'm down to like two packs a day
00:24:59What are you complaining about babe?
00:25:01What I mean, all right, if I'm not gonna be a smoke then we should definitely go to a diner
00:25:06Well, you can't skinny-dip in a restaurant
00:25:11That is true turn around
00:25:14Turn fine
00:25:17Can't turn around now. Nope
00:25:23No
00:25:26Peeking
00:25:34But now no be patient God, come on, I want to see my girlfriend naked with what's the harm in that wait
00:25:46What I'm now can I turn around now no
00:25:53Oh
00:25:57Now that is my kind of Easter egg hunt, yeah
00:26:03Jess
00:26:05Jess where are you? Come on?
00:26:14I'm gonna play with that little puffy tail. Jess. Where are you at? Jess?
00:26:18Jess
00:26:19Jess
00:26:21Jess I've got a big old Easter basket for you
00:26:29Jess Jess
00:26:35Jess I've got a surprise for you
00:26:39Oh
00:26:42Fuck
00:26:51I
00:27:21I
00:27:51I
00:28:21I
00:28:43Don't litter kid
00:28:51Hey
00:28:56Hey mayor Farnsworth, hey, how's it going? Mayor? Hey mayor
00:29:00Hey mayor. Ah, can't you see I'm busy mayor in here, man. It's about the stop sign on Main Street
00:29:06Yeah, what about it? Oh, we don't have one and we really need one. We don't really need one. Do we?
00:29:13There are traffic accidents almost every week. That's what car insurance is for man
00:29:18But I don't think car insurance
00:29:21What do I look like? I made a stop signs. I might like the stop sign there. No
00:29:25No, but mayor you really need to try to stop. Listen, check it out. That's not what your country can do for you
00:29:31Okay, that's what you can do for your country. You selfish little girl
00:29:36All right, look check it out over there in the garbage is a perfectly fine piece of cardboard
00:29:39You take that in a sharpie you make yourself a stop sign
00:29:42Okay, then you can go home and make a list of other things you could do for me for your country
00:29:46But but but mayor you can't be here. You got more butt than my ex-wife. That's a lot of butt
00:30:16I
00:30:26Think we have a few more corporate sponsors for our Easter Day celebration
00:30:31Awesome. Now they do expect certain. Let's just say
00:30:36concessions before they donate to your campaign I
00:30:39mean
00:30:41donate to the
00:30:42town
00:30:47Right man the town
00:30:50What do they want?
00:30:51Barfing Bart's beer and liquor would like to set up a taste testing booth near the high school
00:30:57You know to get to the kids early get them while they're young man. Awesome idea. That's how they got me, bro
00:31:02Tell you what while you're at it. Why don't you set up a voter registration booth right after these taste tests, man?
00:31:08And if there are any specially hot young voters you send them right over to my special photo booth
00:31:13Stock it up with that patchouli incense man, because in a got a divita don't rock so hard with that the patchouli flowing man
00:31:19What else?
00:31:21Epstein's junkyard would like to offload a few truckloads of tires
00:31:27Tell you what man send them over to the meat processing plant. We're gonna one-up the feds
00:31:31We're gonna institute a wheels in meals program dude instead of having like a savage landfill
00:31:37We're gonna have some ravishing belly fill bro. We're gonna change the world
00:31:41You you are an excellent great humanitarian sir, I know it just
00:31:48Sometimes it just hurts so much man
00:31:51Well, not me, but someone
00:31:56All right now get on out of here, I'll be right on it. All right. Thanks, man
00:32:10I
00:32:40I
00:32:52Have to tweet about this
00:33:11You
00:33:16Step 27 when you wear your hat always make sure that it's well adjusted to intimidate
00:33:25Michelangelo had his stone and paint, but we we deal with life and death every day and dog shit watch out
00:33:33See that
00:33:34That's a landmine, baby
00:33:38You know, I just saved your life
00:33:40beautiful
00:33:43You know, I can remember this one time I got a call about a 387 a 387
00:33:48You guys have codes. Well, the core doesn't yet, but I do
00:33:52if Jake would just
00:33:54listen to reason I
00:33:56Mean who has time to say stray dog when you could just say 387 mark six
00:34:02See I knew you'd understand
00:34:06You're different
00:34:08So anyway, I responded to the call and
00:34:11Next thing I know I found myself surrounded by two pit bulls to Rottweilers to bull terriers and two shit zoos
00:34:19uh-huh
00:34:20Everyone counts out the shit zoo
00:34:25But they're wrong
00:34:28Dead wrong
00:34:30You know a shit zoos a lot like an eight-year-old
00:34:35With diarrhea. I mean you never know when it's gonna go off
00:34:38But you know what saved me?
00:34:39No, what training?
00:34:43Yeah, you know I've never been to war but uh
00:34:48You know, I got it, you know PTSD
00:34:52Mm-hmm
00:34:54That's why I never got married
00:34:56Yeah, that's why
00:35:08I
00:35:26Yo smeal
00:35:38You
00:36:08I
00:36:38You
00:37:08I
00:37:38I
00:37:50So, why are you a dog catcher you sound like you could be a cop
00:37:54Yeah, I I
00:37:56Tried that
00:37:58What happened? I?
00:37:59Don't want to talk about it
00:38:02Okay, no biggie
00:38:04Okay
00:38:07You broke me down damn it. I found the police academy. Oh, right. Was it the psychological examination? No
00:38:15Wait, what?
00:38:16Nothing. No, what'd you say?
00:38:19So what happened it was just
00:38:22There's all the guns
00:38:25It's not like clowns
00:38:27hopping balloons
00:38:30pop
00:38:31pop
00:38:32You're scared of loud noises loud
00:38:36So it's not the bullet that scared you it's it's the pipe
00:38:40Oh
00:38:42My god, are you crying?
00:39:02I
00:39:12Will be right with you honey pants. God damn it. This is not what I meant when I said I wanted a blowjob
00:39:19Sir
00:39:21Sir, whoa, man, you can't come in here without a wrist warrant, man. She said these 17 years old aren't you?
00:39:27Sir
00:39:30Who's me man
00:39:34I've got some really really important news. Well, I've got some really important news too right here bro news sir news
00:39:42Listen see I'm really busy. I'm trying to connect with my voter base man. Sure. My latest election poll
00:39:48Sir, the people are being killed by something in the woods in the last several days. We've had five separate massacres
00:39:54Include me Amish fuck the Amish man. What about the other people? Are they Democrats or Republicans?
00:40:25Roger dog catchers in the rye
00:40:28Your dog is on the prowl
00:40:31Our price is to bring him back won't make you howl
00:40:36Roger it's Jake. You got to brighten that up a little bit. Now. Listen, I think we've got a
00:40:41Tree rat that's on the loose out in your sector and you gotta go get the hell is a tree rat
00:40:46Read the manual Roger. It's a squirrel. It's just a rat with a fancy fur coat. Go get it
00:40:50Why is somebody keeping a squirrel for a pet? That's stupid
00:40:54Roger, I don't know this shit. All I know is it's on the loose. It's got a little tag around its neck
00:40:59You got to go find it and bring it in. That's it fine
00:41:24I
00:41:54It's
00:42:24Oh
00:42:54You and me funny started death
00:43:24Edmonton will rise again
00:43:54I
00:44:20Knew one day they'd rise up
00:44:22Have they issued any demands regarding our submission Oh dogs. Yes, of course the dogs who else would leave a note
00:44:27Do you think they'll make us wear collars?
00:44:31What what if what if it was the squirrels I know he was on a call to capture squirrels
00:44:36It's finally happening. What have you a red animal farm?
00:44:44That what are you doing? Well if it is squirrels, I got to protect my nuts
00:44:53I
00:44:54What do you plan on doing about Roger? Well, I don't know Doug. What do you expect me to do about Roger?
00:44:59payback
00:45:01I'm docking your pay for that extra net Doug
00:45:15Why are you laughing what's it to you? Do you think we're laughing at you? No
00:45:19Were you no, yes, didn't you hear about Roger?
00:45:26No, who Roger Falk
00:45:28He was the finest feline finder this side of the Delta
00:45:31He put the cat in catcher and my god did that man love pussy? What the hell are you talking?
00:45:36What I'm saying is that Rogers dead. Are you guys too cool for the school to care if someone lives or dies?
00:45:42What happened did he die of a heart attack?
00:45:47Die of a heart attack at the bar
00:45:54It's torn apart by wolves. Oh my god, how
00:46:01Wool or squirrels the jury's still out in the matter. What matters is that the dogs want their vengeance
00:46:07We're all just the grocer here to collect the bill
00:46:11That's from apocalypse. Now is from shut your lips me. I'm surprised you saw that
00:46:15I would have thought you were more of a Judy Garland fan. So you recognize it to
00:46:20Toto the wizard you see what it all means is
00:46:27Screw you both
00:46:31You're sure he's never been on medication
00:46:33So
00:46:40Based on the evidence, I would say that they were attacked by a pack of wolves a pack of wolves
00:46:46Does this mean that we're gonna have to cancel the Easter Day celebration? Oh
00:46:50Excuse me, man. No, no, no, you misunderstood him and he said a sack of tolls
00:46:56sack of tolls
00:46:57Sack of tolls what the hell's a sack of tolls sack of tools, man
00:47:02Dirt out of your ear. How'd you guys become reporters in the first place, man?
00:47:05I don't know how those scandals about me smoking weed got started
00:47:08How can a sack of tools cause this kind of destruction?
00:47:12They're Amish, man
00:47:16And
00:47:17Do I have to do your jobs for you man?
00:47:21Obviously, they're
00:47:23Making handbags, you know using electric tools the devil's play things, you know, cut my hand off despite I agreed type of shit
00:47:30Do the Amish people vote? I don't think so
00:47:33The Amish are an evil people who knows what kind of crazy six drug cult thing
00:47:38They got going up there behind the horse and buggies and wacky beards, you know
00:47:41This is an obvious terrorist attempt man to overrun our country and to take away our Easter Day celebration
00:47:47You know, they're trying to take away our liberty our justice our truth our Easter eggs, man
00:47:53You know, luckily we live in a country where people who perpetrate this kind of behavior are vanquished or hit with scud missiles
00:48:00And let me tell you all right now if we had scud missile technology, man
00:48:03There'd be some funny beard wearing dudes taking cover right now. Okay, no, but everybody just needs to chillax
00:48:10Chill out go about the weekend as you plan. Come on down bring your money
00:48:14Tell your friends tell them to bring their money just spend and have a good time. You know, it's not about the town anymore
00:48:20It's about the goddamn virtue of our nation, but you have our nation. That's awesome. Remember that for my presidential speech
00:48:27Follow-up question. Yeah, what's that?
00:48:39Um decorations man decorations
00:48:50Doug
00:48:54Can I ask you
00:48:57No, I just have a quick question what
00:49:20Does Hector have a girlfriend?
00:49:34Well, you know
00:49:36Think about it Hector
00:49:38you know is that
00:49:40You know, I don't really know if he's a time for a girlfriend being such a high-ranking Nazi. He's not a Nazi
00:49:46well
00:49:48You know regardless, you know, he's just weird. I mean, you know, he's a tattoo above his ass. This is a parking in rear
00:49:55How would you know?
00:49:57well, yeah, I also know that his
00:50:00Mom doesn't really like it when he brings girls to the house, you know because he lives with his mother. He lives with his mom
00:50:07That's so sweet. Well
00:50:09yeah, but you know, she doesn't really have a problem when I come there and neither does Hector and you know because he's
00:50:17Gay he's not gay. Well, I would I would know oh
00:50:25No
00:50:27No, I know I mean I wouldn't I wouldn't know I would know because no no, I'm not I'm not gay
00:50:33Oh, you know, right. Yeah
00:50:36All right. Well, I'm gonna go this way and you go over there. Oh good. Yeah. Oh good. Yeah
00:50:46I
00:51:16I
00:51:46Don't
00:52:06Darling what's wrong? Did you see a spider? I saw a severed foot. Well, maybe someone just lost it
00:52:13No, shut the fuck
00:52:16You
00:52:27You know, maybe if you want to take a ride in the dog mobile all you do is ask
00:52:41Can't believe the mayor's making us move his decorations into town after work
00:52:45And why the hell do you haven't delivered out here anyway
00:52:47I'm guessing he's stiff the delivery guy. We get in time and a half for this. Nope
00:52:52It's like why would you want money money doesn't last?
00:52:55The fame notoriety now you can take to the bank. Yeah, unlike money
00:53:00So congratulations, you are now the CEO of concierge services and I am the VP of janitorial affairs
00:53:07Great. Why do I keep this job again? What's the difference between a wife and a job?
00:53:12The job still sucks after ten years
00:53:14Mayor Farnsworth is so cheap. He hangs up used toilet paper to dry. What the hell? This is the giant egg
00:53:20He wants us to move that is not gonna fit in the backseat. Oh, man
00:53:26Do you have some bungee straps to fit it on your roof? We better get some kind of bonus for this. Are you kidding?
00:53:31He didn't even tip his hat. Oh
00:53:34Man the pain is still wet
00:53:41What are you doing, it's just a bunny kick with your legs
00:53:47Kick with your leg your leg
00:53:53I
00:53:55Guess this is karma for all those chocolate rabbits. I ate as a kid
00:53:59Guess this is karma for all those chocolate rabbits. I ate as a kid
00:54:17One question at a time you to broaden the front. What's up? Mr. Mayor?
00:54:21What are you going to do about all the wild animal attacks that have been going on?
00:54:25Wild animal attacks more like wild rumors man. It's just a few farm tool accidents. That's all wait a few
00:54:31There's been more deaths in the past week than there were at the toy factory fire three years ago. Whoa, bro
00:54:36I had nothing to do with that man. Nothing to do with it. I am so lucky
00:54:41So lucky that I had that place heavily insured. Otherwise, I would have lost my shirt man, and it's bad karma
00:54:47So don't bring it up again, dude. Mr. Mayor. I have a photo with a victim with claw marks across the chest
00:54:52How are you gonna tell me that farm tools did that let me see that bro bring it up here
00:54:59Are you high man, these are obviously rake marks
00:55:02How do you ever see the cartoons where the dude steps on the rake and it hits him in the face flap man?
00:55:06He goes down. Can you imagine if these evil Amish people man are experimenting with?
00:55:12Electronic rake technology man. Can you imagine the mutilation the devastation? Well, you don't have to cuz this is it bros. Mr
00:55:18How does an electric rig put a body 20 feet into the tree? Are you physicists? Are you physicists man?
00:55:23It's just one of those science things man that nobody knows
00:55:25It's like the last number of pie or how they get the stuffing in those Twinkies man. It's just unanswerable
00:55:31But lucky for you all I've got a crack team of scientists working to solve the problem. Oh
00:55:40It's the new Farnsworth line of safety tools man the ultimate in safety at only twice the price check out this bubble wrap hammer
00:55:49Ah nothing didn't feel a thing and check out my whipped cream sander
00:56:02You totally remind me I have a chick that was at my party last night man covered in the shit
00:56:08And we also have an edible wrench man made out of jello. It does its job, but you can also eat it, man
00:56:13We're gonna save the world. We're solving world hunger here, man. Mr. Mayor. How is turning out?
00:56:18Food into a wrench gonna solve world hunger. It just does chick. Come on roll with it go with it
00:56:24And where do we find these wonderful tools?
00:56:27Thanks for asking man. Not just moments ago
00:56:30I entered into an exclusive agreement with the owner of the Farnsworth hardware tool store downtown to get rid of all the current
00:56:36Evil tools that he has man and replace them with the new Farnsworth line of safety tools, you know
00:56:42And if you're in a real hurry to save your loved ones your dog your cat, what have you?
00:56:47You can get them from me directly right now for a small $50 shipping and handling fee per item
00:56:52But what about all the wild animals problem solved bro problem solved. No more questions
00:57:03What we're gonna do about this wild animal problem, bro, we've got our best man better man
00:57:08Did you see the whipped cream on that shit? That was awesome
00:57:11I
00:57:15Hector we need that magic boy. The mayor's counting on you. I'm counting on you. The town is counting on you
00:57:23Get these rabbit dogs out of the woods. Okay, go for it. All right, Jake, but
00:57:29What's going on with this shitty net man, well, I guess Doug is off his meds again
00:57:34You know, he took every net out of the office. Just do the best job you can with what you got now
00:57:39All right, whatever
00:58:09Oh
00:58:39I
00:59:09I
00:59:39I
01:00:09I
01:00:29What's the matter sweet pea boyfriend break up with you Hector was killed last night
01:00:36Really
01:00:39Was it a five five nine mark four
01:00:42He was torn to shreds trying to catch those rabid dogs
01:00:46Mayor and says it was probably an electrical trowel that did it
01:00:50Yeah, I know it's hard. But imagine how his boyfriend must feel right now
01:00:59He was the only person I could open up to
01:01:01Now I'm stuck in this town that I hate with a bunch of backward Hicks who think Beethoven's just a large dog
01:01:09He's not
01:01:12He understood my artistic spirit
01:01:15He had the heart of a poet just like me. Yeah, he will be missed
01:01:19After all, he was the second best dog catcher that this town's ever seen
01:01:26Is that a miniature golf pencil in your pants, let's not talk about that I
01:01:31Just know how much you like golf
01:01:34Someone needs to do something about these rabid dogs
01:01:37And being the greatest dog catcher that's ever graced history
01:01:42It's only natural
01:01:44And it should be me
01:01:47Well, yeah
01:01:49Technically now that Hector is dead
01:01:54Actually, you are the best dog catcher
01:01:59Don't worry Brenda, I'll avenge Hector's death. Well, actually technically Timmy's pretty good
01:02:06Well, actually, he's really the best
01:02:09Hey, fuck you John
01:02:11You know, I bagged a pretty big bitch last night. Yeah, so if you're wondering where your mom went
01:02:29Hey, is that a new net we don't give them away like water and never wear those goddamn pants again
01:02:36I
01:03:06I
01:03:36I
01:03:38I
01:03:40I
01:04:05Thought catches in the rye we bag your dogs and never spill the mustard. How can I help you?
01:04:10Yeah
01:04:12I'll be back. What the hell's wrong with you. What are you doing? This is it you Jesus Christ dog
01:04:18This is it my brothers
01:04:20and sister
01:04:22It's the apocalypse
01:04:24But there's no four horsemen
01:04:26It's a giant fucking rabbit. I was running through the woods breathless
01:04:30Crenshaw is looking for a pack of wolves, but do you know what I found a
01:04:3550-foot cannibal rabbit
01:04:40Dog you've been drinking the sternal again, haven't you?
01:04:55Doug you need to go home and get rest. Okay, get home and get rest. Come back tomorrow
01:04:59Oh, we're the only home we're gonna have is a holocaust that this town is about to become
01:05:04This town is the last beacon of civilization everything else has got their dogs I've seen it
01:05:10Dog, I don't know. I'm calling an ambulance draw a line. I'm calling an ambulance. It's time for us to draw a line and take a stand
01:05:17Now who will cross the threshold and join me
01:05:34I
01:05:36Read it
01:05:39Brenda you believe me. Don't you doll face that we're all gonna be turned into bunny brimstone
01:05:53You're all cowards
01:05:56It's
01:05:58Up to me to save the town. Hey those nets aren't free you loony
01:06:08Everyone listen to me
01:06:20Listen to me giant killer, buddy
01:06:26Please listen to the raving lunatic
01:06:34Soon my friends the end of days will be coming like I told soon you must repent now
01:06:41The end of days are coming soon my friends once men started marrying men. That was it
01:06:48It wasn't meteors that killed the dinosaur. They all turned gay
01:06:52It is our time for extinction, excuse me, listen to me everyone you got to get out of here. Oh, you're gonna die
01:06:59Joyful news my friends salvation
01:07:05No, no, it's not the apocalypse is not the rapture the hell mouth has open but it's not the devil
01:07:10It's a hellish Haas and pepper exactly like I foretold
01:07:13really
01:07:15No, you got to get out of here
01:07:19Look two men kissing
01:07:23Oh
01:07:30You there listen to me giant killer, buddy
01:07:39Attention everyone, this is an emergency evacuate evacuate now
01:07:43No, shut the fuck up. I'll come over there and beat your ass so hard. Your grandkids will bleed. What does that mean?
01:07:49What the hell are you doing your way to bang on my door for listen to me, there's a giant rabbit
01:07:53It's coming right this way and it's gonna devour the whole town
01:07:55Really?
01:07:57You got a picture of it
01:07:59Well, no, that's funny. Now that everyone has a camera phone Bigfoot fucking disappears
01:08:04It's because they're crafty. Shut the fuck up get off my porch. I'm trying to save you
01:08:08Don't get the fuck off my porch. I'm your guardian angel. Shut the fuck up. I'll kill you son of a bitch
01:08:20Oh
01:08:26Listen to me everybody. This is the last time I'm warning you the buddy blitzkrieg is upon us. No
01:08:38All right, man welcome I just want to say what an awesome day, huh, it's gonna be an awesome day
01:08:43All right. I want to start out by saying I'm really sorry. I was completely misled by my staff
01:08:49Into thinking that the recent rash of deaths were due to hazardous farm tools, man
01:08:54Now that we got this creep Doug Williams in custody, man. We know what's up. So so mr. Mayor
01:08:59Are you saying that it's safe to use electric farm tools again?
01:09:02Well now just to be safe
01:09:04I'm thinking everybody should still use the Farnsworth line of safety tools available exclusively at Farnsworth hardware store
01:09:11okay, just to be safe now and
01:09:13For limited time only the NERF pitchfork available for 30% off while supplies last
01:09:19Is there any validity to the rumors of wild animals in the woods?
01:09:24Obviously, there's no giant rabbit from hell roam in the woods
01:09:27And if you believe that man, you've been smoking better shit than I ever had and can I get your phone number?
01:09:31But the Easter holiday weekend is gonna be going on his plan man. It's gonna be awesome
01:09:36Shouldn't you at least check the woods for any wild animals that could harm the residents or hundreds of visitors that are coming to town?
01:09:41Tomorrow, are you the mayor? We think you're the mayor. Have you ever even been elected to a publicly held office, man?
01:09:46Have you ever even been hall monitor, man?
01:09:51Alright bros, I'm gonna break it down. I'm gonna bottom line it for you right here. Okay, I'm not about to let some psychopathic
01:09:58Serial killing dog catcher man ruin the weekend for all the people we got coming to our lovely little Hamlet here for some good old
01:10:04American fun, huh, you know
01:10:07A couple cut-up Cub Scouts
01:10:09Three squashed soap opera stars and one mutilated synchronized swimmer are not gonna stop us from being Americans
01:10:16Okay, and spending all of our hard-earned cash on corporate fabricated holidays such as our Easter weekend celebration, man. Mr. Mayor. Mr. Mayor
01:10:24Shouldn't shouldn't you at least provide more security or call in the state police to make sure the event is safe?
01:10:30No, man, I can't talk to the governor man ever since I puked in the punch ball last year's gala, man
01:10:36That's out. He's not gonna take
01:10:39But listen, all right. What do you want me to do hire extra security guards, man? All right
01:10:43I'll just raise your taxes to pay for it. I'll just raise your tax
01:10:46You should use the profits from safe tools and add more security
01:10:50Man, you lame-brain left-wing and right-wing media you so far to left the right man
01:10:55You don't even know where the center is anymore. He's so extreme. You're a bunch of socialists Ronald Reagan loving Jimmy Carter
01:11:01Doren shake or borrow William F Buckley fascist think that all the job creators should be given free love and flowers, man
01:11:07So why don't you just go out by a gun and hug a tree?
01:11:10This is over man
01:11:11This is over
01:11:12But I will say one thing just for your peace of mind all the employees from the dog catchers in the rye are gonna be
01:11:17Roaming the woods just to keep you safe from whatever you think is out there
01:11:21Okay, and if you're related or know anybody that's out there doing it this weekend
01:11:25They're not gonna be able to talk to you till the weekend is over. No cell phones and no personal contact
01:11:30So enjoy the weekend. It's gonna be awesome, man
01:12:01I
01:12:08I'm not insane. You hear me? You're all gonna die die
01:12:17You're all gonna die
01:12:22We're all gonna die
01:12:24Yeah, little girl man, we're all gonna die die die Easter eggs
01:12:28We're gonna have fun and die die die Easter eggs mom dad go die die die Easter eggs. Have fun. Enjoy the day. It's beautiful day
01:12:58I
01:13:00I
01:13:30Oh
01:14:00Just stand there shoot we don't have good
01:14:30Oh
01:14:32Oh
01:14:58That's the second biggest rabbit I've ever seen
01:15:02Oh
01:15:06You poor bastard
01:15:22Dad Alex, come on, baby
01:15:32Oh
01:15:37What is going on in here Brenda, oh wait, this is not what you think it is, but
01:15:43Wait, what do you think? This is not Brenda Brenda Brenda. Wait, wait, wait, but what are you doing?
01:15:48Well, you take that bib off before you talk to me. All right, what are you doing?
01:15:51I'm getting out of this town now. You're quitting again. You don't understand. Oh, yes, I do. I understand perfectly
01:15:57Well, you're quitting again. You're doing what you've done all your life. Something's come up and you're leaving your dad
01:16:01There's a huge rabbit running through this town. That's what's bothering you a rabbit a rabbit
01:16:07It's a huge rabbit dad. I will I will die if I stay here. Yeah, you'll die of boredom, right?
01:16:14You'll die a boy, you know small town living isn't so bad. You know Brenda
01:16:17It's tough love. That's what is you someday?
01:16:20You'll thank me because I made you stay here and made you for one night. Fine. I'll stay tell me where you keep your guns
01:16:27You want a gun for it's a huge rabbit dad. I told you
01:16:31Fine in the gun cabinet downstairs the keys in the same place
01:16:35Just try not to shoot me into some bystanders. Yeah, bye
01:16:40And I'm still mad at you by the way, yeah, what else is new
01:16:47Leave around
01:17:01You
01:17:32Are you ready for action are you too doped up mommy?
01:17:39I'm ready for my sponge bath
01:17:56Damn far as we're safety gun
01:18:01Where this
01:18:04What makes you look yummy, okay now get out there and do what you do best
01:18:09masturbate
01:18:13Okay, Santa
01:18:15I
01:18:30Like
01:18:32Who is that Doug Doug? Is that you Doug?
01:18:35Doug you gotta help me. You gotta get me to a hospital. I'll be right if you get me to a hospital Doug
01:18:40chief
01:18:41your legs
01:18:43They
01:18:45Walked away Doug. You gotta help me. You gotta get me to a hospital Doug Doug. You gotta help me
01:18:51You gotta get me to a hospital
01:19:00Please Doug get me to a hospital
01:19:13Oh
01:19:29Chief
01:19:33I'll miss you
01:19:36Now who will stare at my dick while I steal their trick
01:19:40I
01:19:42Used to look so long
01:20:10I
01:20:40I
01:21:10I
01:21:40I
01:21:55What a tool
01:21:58I
01:22:08So Brenda
01:22:10How would you like to go on a date with a hero
01:22:13No
01:22:15Besides I thought you're gay
01:22:19again
01:22:21How do you think the rabbit got so big
01:22:27Hmm
01:22:57You