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~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Video Information: Vishranti Shivir, 08.06.2019, Bengaluru, India
Context:
What is a good relationship?
How to make a relationship healthy?
How to know that a relationship is not toxic?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be a part of the Live Sessions: https://acharyaprashant.org/hi/enquir...
Want to read Acharya Prashant's Books?
Get Free Delivery: https://acharyaprashant.org/en/books?...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Video Information: Vishranti Shivir, 08.06.2019, Bengaluru, India
Context:
What is a good relationship?
How to make a relationship healthy?
How to know that a relationship is not toxic?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category
📚
LearningTranscript
00:00There are a lot of things that are going on in my life right now, a lot of things.
00:12So basically, right now I'm 18 and I just finished my 12th course and back when I finished
00:19my 10th course, I turned to become a really bad girl in the society.
00:26So that sort of caused me the loss of my parents' trust in me, every single drop of it.
00:37And they got really scared and they didn't know what I was becoming, they tried to understand,
00:43they didn't know what I was trying to do.
00:45So they tried to condition me for like two years, like 11th and 12th, they took full
00:50control and then they said, there are 10 promises, you need to keep each and every one of them
00:54and it's extremely important that you keep them so that you become a better person.
00:59I tried to understand what they're trying to say, they said, so these promises had things
01:04like you need to be honest and you're going to be a girl who's happy, who's fun, who's
01:09all of those things and many things like that.
01:14And I didn't really understand any of those promises, but I was still made to make all
01:17those promises every single day of my life.
01:20And they kept an eye on every single thing that I was doing and that's how 11th got over.
01:26Then in 12th, I became a captain in my school because I was so good and it was just so good
01:32that I didn't do anything wrong, according to them, I was perfect.
01:36And after that, again, towards the end of 12th, when I was going to write my board exams,
01:43I just exploded.
01:45I didn't know what I was becoming again, I didn't know, like I was becoming something
01:50that they wanted me to become and I was just not able to understand what was happening
01:54to me.
01:56And then after, I am a teenager, so I fell in love with a boy.
02:02And that was in my dad's office.
02:06He owns a company and I was interning there.
02:09And I fell in love with an employee.
02:15And I was not supposed to fall in love, according to them.
02:19But that happened.
02:21And I said, right now, I'm just going to do whatever feels right and whatever that I want
02:26to do.
02:27Because two years I was forced to be something that I did not want to be.
02:31So now I was like, okay, it's fine.
02:33I'm just in love with the boy, it doesn't mean anything.
02:36I'm not doing anything wrong, according to me.
02:39So I went ahead and that was there for like one month until my mom caught me.
02:48And after that, they caught me and that night, they were like, how can you fall in love with
02:53a boy who you've just been with for?
02:56So before I told him how I feel, I could spend time with him only for one month.
03:02And I thought it was love.
03:05And so they told me that whatever that you're feeling right now is not love.
03:09And the way you make it seem is so cheap and so disgusting.
03:13So I didn't, I don't know what they're trying to say.
03:16They're saying it's not love, but so what is love?
03:20That's a question that I have.
03:22That's the first question there.
03:24What is love?
03:25Is there really a need to debate whether a particular word can be ascribed to a relationship?
03:54Right now, the debate seems to be whether or not it is love.
03:59You are saying it is love.
04:00They are saying it is not love.
04:01So I don't know what love is.
04:06Should you rather not ask what is it doing to you?
04:10Even if it's love, let's say.
04:13Some international agency comes and certifies it is love.
04:18But if it is not healthy for you, would you proceed with it?
04:24I don't think so.
04:26Similarly, if somehow many grown-ups just get together and manage to convince you that
04:35it is not love, but Olympus, Olympus happens to be the brand of this.
04:46So it is not love, but Olympus.
04:49But that Olympus is really healthy for you.
04:54It nurtures you.
04:55It gives you life.
04:57Would you drop Olympus because it is Olympus and not love?
05:02So it's not about the name, right?
05:05We have to get real and find out what is this relationship doing to us.
05:14The name doesn't matter.
05:16So what is the relationship doing to you?
05:20Makes me feel good.
05:23Does it just make you feel good as you are or does it turn you into a better human being?
05:34Because to set the background, we all have our likes and dislikes.
05:45Must we pay a lot of attention to and give a lot of importance to what we like and dislike?
05:55Or must we rather focus on that which we may like or we may dislike, but is really useful?
06:12So love that feels good or a relationship that feels good is not necessarily something
06:20useful.
06:21Pizza feels good.
06:27We know it's not very useful.
06:37Is the relationship really elevating you, advancing you in some sense?
06:43In a sense, I don't think so.
06:52Are you able to look at yourself and the world with more clarity and maturity after this
07:02relationship?
07:03Not really, no, not with me.
07:08Then there is not much to it.
07:11I'm not saying it's evil or something.
07:14It's not significant.
07:16It's just one of those things.
07:19And that does not mean that you have to necessarily drop the boy or something.
07:25One can just be, you know.
07:27So, okay, so this is the next part.
07:32So I told him what happened and I told him that I'm choosing to take a break from this
07:41and probably, and they said that it, so when my parents told me that love, what are you
07:47feeling right now is not love and it's cheap and it's disgusting, they also told me that
07:52right now, wait, find yourself first and maybe then go ahead and start a relationship because
07:59right now if you do that, you might lose yourself in the process.
08:03So they said find yourself.
08:09You cannot find yourself just all of a sudden.
08:12Even finding yourself requires that you investigate your relationships.
08:18The self-knowledge cannot come to oneself except by looking at the stuff one is related to.
08:28The self-knowledge cannot happen in a vacuum or in isolation.
08:35It's alright.
08:36You are a human being.
08:41You can relate with some other person.
08:44There is nothing disgusting or offensive about it as such.
08:51But yes, there is no particular need to call it love because love has cultural associations.
09:05It somehow becomes a big thing in the eyes of many people the moment you say it is love.
09:12One teenage girl, one teenage boy, obviously they can talk to each other, they can hang
09:17out with each other, it's okay.
09:21Be mindful of what the company of that person is doing to you.
09:26Be very very alert about that and equally alert if you really wish well to that person,
09:35that boy, what your company is doing to him.
09:41Is it a good investment of your time when you are with him or could you have expended
09:46your time in a better way?
09:49What kinds of thoughts does that person introduce in your mind?
09:53What kinds of thoughts do you induce in him?
09:58Are you becoming more insecure or are you getting more rooted in yourself?
10:06Have feelings of jealousy and possessiveness started occurring to you or to him?
10:11You have to be alert about these things.
10:17You have to see how your mind is being impacted in that relationship, in the company of that person.
10:26If the impact gives you peace, if the impact enables you to look at everything with a clearer
10:33right, proceed.
10:37If not, then you should reconsider.
10:41But there is no need to turn it into a taboo or a stigma.
10:52It's okay.
10:53Just as he can talk to him and she can talk to him.
11:01You too, in God's universe, have all the right to talk to and be with anybody you prefer.
11:12It need not even be a human being.
11:15If you want to be Pali with a dog or a crow, that too is your sovereign right.
11:22Nobody can infringe upon it.
11:25Okay, so this is the next part.
11:29I just took their advice and they said, find yourself.
11:32I just took their advice.
11:33I knew I needed a break from this because it was taking up a lot of my attention.
11:38So I told him, I need a break.
11:40I'm sorry I'm doing this to you.
11:42Because he was really broken.
11:45Broken in the sense, he called me and then he's like, so I called him.
11:49So this happened on Monday.
11:52On Tuesday, I called him and I said, all of this has happened.
11:54And I think we can just be friends for now.
11:57I just need some time and I need to figure things out.
12:00So he did this really personally.
12:02And I didn't call him for the...
12:04I didn't call him for the...
12:06Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, I didn't call him.
12:10And then he called my brother today.
12:12And he said, please make...
12:13So I don't have a phone.
12:14He has my brother's number.
12:16So he called my brother today.
12:17And then he said, please make her call me.
12:19I need to talk to her.
12:20So I picked up the phone and I spoke to him.
12:23And he's like, how can you be so selfish?
12:26You're just thinking about yourself.
12:29This is, in spiritual language, attachment.
12:36And this is not good for the mind.
12:42I'm surprised at how early even teenagers pick up all these things.
12:50And they're supposed to be adult's zone.
12:58All these things, you broke my heart, I'm missing you.
13:03Stalking, calling, calling somebody's brother.
13:11Anyway, it's not about age.
13:12It's about the fundamental human tendency.
13:15That's what is called the ego.
13:17The ego needs something to cling to.
13:19This is attachment.
13:22So a relationship per se is neither good nor bad.
13:26You have to see what that relationship comprises of.
13:29Now this relationship seems to have a strong flavor of attachment.
13:35That's a problem.
13:36That's a big problem.
13:39I realized that.
13:40So I wanted to drop it and I told him that.
13:42You don't really have to drop it in a cruel way.
13:45So I told him that we can just be friends.
13:48That's right.
13:49And even now he's like, how can you do this to me?
13:51But what are you doing to him?
13:52That I am just being friends with him and he can't take it.
13:55And that's no offense.
13:58That's no cruelty upon anyone.
14:04I told him that this does not have to be.
14:06Then you have to see what all this implies.
14:10Where is it that the fellow is seeing a difference between just being friends and being more than friends?
14:24Then you will probably see the role of lust as well.
14:30And then you will come upon another aspect of ego.
14:34It is very, very body identified.
14:37And because it is body identified, it looks at the other as a body and that is not love.
14:48When you look at the other as a body, then you are motivated to consume the other's body.
14:57And that's why you won't like it when the other one tells you we are just friends.
15:04You want to be more than friends.
15:07You want to get into probably the physical aspect of it.
15:13And again, there is no need to just denounce it or ridicule it or condemn it.
15:20It's an opportunity to understand it.
15:23It's an opportunity to see how we are as human beings and we all are like that.
15:28Man, woman, young, old, even a newborn kid has the same tendencies.
15:35Some of them may surface later on, but all of them are present even in the kid.
15:41So, just be very alert, be on a watch out.
15:50So, what am I supposed to do?
15:54That is one question that I never answer.
15:57That's something that each one of us must figure out for herself.
16:02Once you know that the other is operating from base tendencies, do you want to encourage him further?
16:13You don't want to encourage him, right?
16:15Because if you encourage him, it would be bad for both you and him.
16:19Once somebody is in the grip of attachment, then his consciousness keeps falling.
16:26He keeps becoming more and more vulnerable to all the bad things.
16:32So, you don't want to encourage attachment in somebody, right?
16:41Friendship is about wishing the other well.
16:48So, do things that would probably help him get out of the attachment.
16:54Don't do anything that would be a cause of misery for both the parties.