2point4 Children (1991) - S01E03 - When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Go Shopping
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00:00🎵
00:31Is this it?
00:33That's the one.
00:39Hmm. Makes you a bit wobbly.
00:41So would yours be if you'd spent all winter on your back underneath a tonne of bone meal.
00:45Sounds fun, though.
00:48Shouldn't there be a grill thing?
00:50You see that folded-up tarpaulin in the far corner by the rake?
00:54Yeah?
00:55Don't ever look under there.
00:57Ah!
01:00Told you.
01:01What is that stuff?
01:03All I know is there's a pool of it and it moves.
01:06Even E.T. ran out screaming and jumped back in his flying saucer.
01:10Filthy Bill, you can't let him use this.
01:13Try the hose.
01:15Why is it that for ten months of the year they'd rather enter the Temple of Doom than the kitchen?
01:20I know.
01:21If we'd ever been on Ask the Family,
01:23if we'd ever been on Ask the Family,
01:25they wouldn't have had to bother to show a household object from an unusual angle.
01:29Could have just shown a gas cooker from the front.
01:32With a rusty pan full of coal and a chunk of dead flesh and the caveman instinct comes out.
01:39Oh!
01:40There's a snail.
01:42I'll give it here.
01:47A snail?
01:48Well, she deserves it.
01:50All I've heard from her for the past month is,
01:52good tend to prune the roses, Mrs. Porter.
01:55Your rose certainly rambles, doesn't it, Mrs. Porter?
01:59Would you like to borrow our secateurs, Mrs. Porter?
02:02I've a good mind to shove a frog up her nightdress.
02:06Is that working?
02:10Rona?
02:14Oh, sorry.
02:16I was just thinking about cavemen.
02:18Ah!
02:19Ah!
02:20Ah!
02:21Ah!
02:22Ah!
02:23Ah!
02:24Ah!
02:25Is everything all right over there?
02:27Just pruning the roses, Mrs. Grimes.
02:29Oh.
02:30All right, dear.
02:33You started it.
02:34You needed it.
02:38Leonard!
02:39There's another snail.
02:44Come on, little one.
02:46Don't you have to finish this this evening?
02:49I'm not wasting any time on it tomorrow.
02:51I've got far worse things to waste it on,
02:53like the bloody shopping.
03:00Ah!
03:04Oh, no!
03:06Leonard!
03:07Look at this!
03:10LAUGHTER
03:15Ketchup, pickle, relish, salad cream, barbecue sauce.
03:20I think that's just about everything that can possibly take the taste away.
03:24Where's Ben?
03:25I hope he's gone to get the stuff from the supermarket with David.
03:28Ah, good. So it's safe.
03:30What's safe?
03:31To talk.
03:32Oh, not quite.
03:33Jenny?
03:34What?
03:35I'm listening.
03:37God!
03:39God, she's doing her homework.
03:41I told her if she did it all week, she could see drains.
03:44Ben.
03:45Whatever.
03:46So, then.
03:47So, where is it?
03:49Where's what?
03:50The note with Mr Motorbike's number.
03:53Rona, I told you, I threw it away.
03:56But you got it out again.
03:57Yes, but I threw it away again.
03:59So, you got it out twice and you threw it away twice?
04:03Yes.
04:04Now, how's she still got it?
04:06No, I threw it away twice.
04:09And I got it out once.
04:11Where did you train? The KGB?
04:14I went to a convent school, remember?
04:16Sister Virtue was Heinrich Himmler in a wimple.
04:20Anyway, if you did have it, what would you do now?
04:25I don't have it.
04:27Oh, I've got to get back and get changed.
04:30I'll get your clothes.
04:31I met an air steward last night.
04:33Oh, I thought they were all gay.
04:35Don't you believe it.
04:36Why do you think the hostesses are always smiling?
04:40Not just the oxygen masks that drop automatically.
04:44Just be careful.
04:46I always am.
04:48If all goes well, I might get a free flight on Virgin.
04:51Well, I suppose miracles do happen.
04:56Happy shopping.
04:57Yeah, I'll laugh all the way to the toilet rolls.
05:07Here we are.
05:09Charcoal, wood, fluid, fork, tongs.
05:12And close your eyes. Close your eyes.
05:18Buffalo bit.
05:20The biggles of the barbie.
05:22Dad, show her this.
05:24You've got to see this.
05:25One full-size solid steel chromium-plated spit.
05:28You can get anything on there.
05:29Chicken, veal, turkey.
05:32One full-size solid steel chromium-plated spit.
05:34You can get anything on there.
05:35Chicken, beef, venison, pad roti.
05:40Very nice. Where's the food?
05:43Food?
05:44You know, the stuff I prise off your shirts once a week.
05:48Oh, you get that, don't you?
05:51Well, what are we going to have?
05:53Fish fingers.
05:54I suppose we could thread them onto the spit.
05:56No.
05:57This is a barbecue.
05:59I want huge chunks of bloody steak.
06:02With veins in it.
06:03Yes, well, the pixies don't leave it under the rosebush, you know.
06:06I have to go shopping.
06:07I thought there was some in the freezer.
06:09Oh, Ben, that's ages old.
06:11I don't know, I feel right.
06:13Well, if you can get it out, you can cook it.
06:15David.
06:18Right, David, go and get my stone chisel and hammer from the van.
06:23You haven't forgotten this, have you?
06:25No, I'll open it later.
06:28Not on the table!
06:30Yes, my precious.
06:31Shall I find the fire lighters
06:33or will you still be blowing on the coals during news at ten?
06:36I think you should know that I've been faking my charcoal blowing for some time
06:39thanks to lighter fluid!
06:44What?
06:45Just committing your eyebrows to memory.
06:49Right, here we go.
06:52Be careful!
06:54No, don't you worry.
06:58Ben!
07:03Got it.
07:04Well, put it on a plate!
07:09There you go, lovely bit of meat.
07:11Bugging in the microwave to defrost.
07:13Ben, this wouldn't defrost if you bunged it in Chernobyl.
07:16Oh, you little thief.
07:18Well, I'll do my best.
07:20I'm going to tear these up for the fire.
07:22No, not those. I'm saving those. Find some other paper.
07:28So, it's all over to you, then?
07:31Just you relax, my little treasure.
07:33Leave it all up to us.
07:43We could do with some salad in a while.
07:45Right.
07:47And some garlic bread would go down very well.
07:51And some chips.
07:52And some fried onions!
07:54It's nice to have a break once in a while.
08:03This is disgusting.
08:04No, it isn't.
08:05I like it. It's chewy.
08:07You'll probably get mad cow disease.
08:13Don't you know that every time you buy one of these,
08:15they cut down acres of Brazilian rainforest?
08:18I might have known it'd be my fault.
08:20You just don't care.
08:21I might have known it'd be my fault.
08:23You just don't care, do you?
08:25I do care. I just can't stop them.
08:27It's a complete waste of resources.
08:29Like your bra.
08:30Mother!
08:33He's talking about...
08:35about that again.
08:37David, I told you, all women have small bras to begin with.
08:40They're nothing special.
08:42That's what a boyfriend says.
08:44Mother!
08:45Be quiet, David.
08:46Chew some more steak.
08:51I'm not eating this anymore.
08:53I'm turning vegetarian.
08:54Meat is good for you.
08:56More, anyone?
09:00I've had enough.
09:02Next time you go shopping, remember,
09:04I don't want you to bring home any more dead animals.
09:07What am I supposed to do, batter them to death in the kitchen?
09:10I'm going upstairs.
09:12You've got mad cow disease.
09:16Don't slam your door!
09:19Finished. Can I watch TV? Thank you.
09:21No, you've got your history project.
09:23I was bored.
09:25Oh, there's the washing up.
09:27History.
09:36All right?
09:37Er, yes.
09:41My steak didn't look like that.
09:43I don't like mine well done.
09:45Where are the kids?
09:47Upstairs.
09:48Madam has now decided she's a vegetarian.
09:51I suppose I'll have to spend a fortune on beans and lentils.
09:54A couple of weeks on that and the ozone layer will be blown away completely.
09:59Do you think it's too late to have them reared by wolves?
10:02A bit tough on the wolves.
10:05Right, then.
10:06I'm not in a lovely meeting.
10:08You've got to open it sometime.
10:10You know I am about those tax things.
10:12You sent back your return, didn't you?
10:14Yeah.
10:15And you paid the last demand.
10:16I did.
10:17Then what is there to worry about?
10:19All right, all right, I'll open it.
10:21In a minute.
10:22Now!
10:23I've got indigestion.
10:25Now!
10:27You're getting too good.
10:43What's it saying?
10:44It's all right, I'll do it.
10:45Can I see it?
10:46It's nothing, don't fuss.
10:50You've been called in to see the Inspector of Taxes.
10:52That's correct.
10:53What have you done?
10:54Nothing.
10:55You haven't been fiddling the figures?
10:57No, more than usual.
10:58Ben!
10:59Everybody does it, they know that.
11:01It's probably just a routine check.
11:04Try not to worry.
11:05I'm not worried.
11:06Good.
11:07Jenny, that's down the prison.
11:10Excuse me, do you mind if I take this trolley?
11:12No, no, no.
11:13Ta.
11:39Good morning.
12:10He's put me on meats again on Saturday.
12:13I told him I wanted to go on cakes.
12:15Everybody wants to go on cakes.
12:17He won't put me on cakes.
12:24Deborah's always on cakes.
12:26She don't even like being on cakes.
12:28I just don't even do check-out.
12:30It's just cakes, cakes, cakes for her.
12:32You could go on fish.
12:33No, I'd be better on cakes.
12:35You wouldn't be better on Benzedrine.
12:39Twelve ounces of ham, please.
12:43Have you got your number, madam?
12:45Yes.
12:47I'm only serving 47.
12:49There's nobody else here.
12:51This isn't 47.
12:56Well, it is now.
12:58Twelve ounces of ham.
13:00You don't get this on cakes.
13:09Hey!
13:20Call security, quick!
13:29Stop!
13:30Stop that man!
13:33It's people like you who put the prices up!
13:40LAUGHTER
13:43Would you come with me, please, madam?
13:49How many tits in here?
13:51There's one.
13:53Cheers, gentlemen.
13:55Cheers, Ted.
13:59How can you eat that rabbit food?
14:01It's revolting.
14:05Can you hear that noise?
14:07What?
14:08I think it's the sound of your arteries turning to Portland stone.
14:12In 20 years' time, your varicose veins will look like an onyx table like them, eh?
14:16My ma always said that good, plain food never hurt my da.
14:19Leave it, won't you?
14:22You're not still worried about this tax thing, are you?
14:24No.
14:25They've never queried in from the past before, have they?
14:28Look, I shouldn't worry about that.
14:30They can go back years if they want to.
14:32Charge you for things ages ago.
14:35And demand interest.
14:37Thank you, Clare Rainer and Anna Ryburn.
14:40They even tried to stop me for all the improvements on this place.
14:47What improvements?
14:48Oh, you'd be surprised.
14:49I would!
14:51This was a right sleazy dive when I took it over.
14:55They're doing us entrepreneurs out of business.
14:59Look, they'll haul you over the coals good and proper,
15:02but they shouldn't let it worry you.
15:04I won't.
15:05I don't expect you'll have to pay too much.
15:07I'll declare your wages as well, you know.
15:09Oh, bloody hell!
15:10If you can't pay, they can always seize your property.
15:15No, I don't have any property.
15:17Can we leave this subject, please? Thank you very much.
15:23Did you hear the one of the Englishman and the Irishman and the Scotsman?
15:26Yeah, I did. Didn't understand it.
15:30And, of course, that's how they got Al Capone in the end.
15:35Tax evasion.
15:48Waiter, please.
15:52Out!
15:59Martha Christie, store detective.
16:02Sounds like a show on Sky TV.
16:04Don't try to make friends with me. This is my job.
16:11I suppose you were expecting a man.
16:14Not particularly.
16:16Hoping to talk to him about PMT and hormones, were you?
16:20No men had PMT.
16:23I think you should know this is a waste of time.
16:26I've already called the police.
16:28I've had them all up here, you know.
16:30Duchesses, JPs and lots and lots of bored housewives.
16:38It's immaterial, really.
16:40Theft is the same in any clothing.
16:42I am not a thief.
16:44What makes a woman like you think she can get away with it?
16:48Doesn't really matter.
16:50We always prosecute.
16:54I have all the proof I need on video.
16:57Oh, yes?
16:58Yes.
17:00Neither of us have time to waste,
17:02so why don't we just tie this up quickly?
17:05Why don't you just admit you were stealing
17:07and save us all a great deal of trouble?
17:12You don't like being a woman, do you?
17:14I beg your pardon?
17:16I thought not.
17:18It's nothing to be ashamed of. You've got hormones too.
17:21Would you keep them at home in a biscuit tin?
17:23What?
17:24If you call me a thief once more,
17:26I shall take great delight in suing you for false arrest.
17:29Well, we'll see what the police have to say about that.
17:32Oh, no, we won't, I think, because you haven't called them yet.
17:34Oh, you seem very sure.
17:36I am.
17:37First of all, the only people you have evidence against
17:39is Harold and Madge watering down the milkshakes at Daphne's.
17:42And secondly, you are carrying such an inferiority complex with you,
17:46you wouldn't want to miss the chance to parade about this room
17:49like that demented warder from Prisoner Cell Block H.
17:51That woman is a saint!
17:53You might be able to terrorise mousy little housewives into confession,
17:57but this is a simple misunderstanding, and you know it.
18:00I've got a dozen witnesses down there who saw me call security,
18:03and while you've been playing the great detective,
18:06the real thief's gone away with a pile of steaks!
18:10Now, shall I call a solicitor?
18:15I'm sorry.
18:17I've been rather tense lately.
18:21Most probably PMT.
18:24You can get some leaflets from your doctor.
18:27So you won't be charging us?
18:29Not this time.
18:31Thank you very much.
18:33Is there anything we can do?
18:37Well, yes, there is, actually.
18:39There's a girl on needs with long, dark hair.
18:42Yes?
18:43She's very good.
18:45The manager should keep her there all the time.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:57Thanks again.
19:01She's terrible.
19:03I quite like it.
19:05It's not funny.
19:07It is.
19:12That was funny?
19:15Yeah.
19:18That was funny.
19:21All right, all right.
19:23There you are.
19:24What did I do?
19:25Nothing.
19:29Sad I got Al Capone in the end, you know.
19:31Situation comedy.
19:34Tax evasion.
19:37Look, if you just admit you're worried,
19:39I wouldn't think any less of you, you know.
19:42Remember those vows I made?
19:44Richer or poorer.
19:46Thinner or fatter.
19:48Normal or paranoid.
19:50All right, I am worried.
19:52There now. Don't you feel better?
19:54No.
19:56No, I do.
19:58I think I'll go and look at the garden.
20:00God, he must be worried.
20:02Mum!
20:03Good, you can help me with the tea things.
20:05I noticed you never asked David.
20:07Would you want David touching your plate?
20:09Anyway, he's in training to be a man.
20:13Have you washed my blue jumper?
20:14No.
20:15You've had all day.
20:16I know, but first Bruce Willis dropped by,
20:19stripped down to an edible G-string.
20:21Then Tom Cruise arrived to wrestle with Rob Lowe
20:24in a bar filled with Bailey's Irish cream
20:26just for the pleasure of painting my toenails.
20:29Excuse me while I laugh hysterically.
20:31Yes, well, starting next week,
20:33you can tidy all bedrooms,
20:35including the twilight zone where your brother resides.
20:38Or maybe you'd like to carry back enough shopping
20:40to give Hulk Hogan a hernia.
20:42Oh, can't Dad do it?
20:47Jackie's mother has a woman in to do her housework?
20:50Jackie's mother is a stuck-up bitch.
20:54This is yours.
20:57That looks...
20:59good.
21:01Anyway, I don't suppose you'll be going out with Spin now?
21:04What's that supposed to mean?
21:06Oh, that is a leather jacket he wears, isn't it?
21:08And leather boots.
21:10Or are they made from lentils too?
21:12I suppose you think you're being really clever.
21:15Well, either you mean what you say or you don't.
21:20This is what you do to vegetarians.
21:23David!
21:25Why?
21:27Right.
21:29Food's ready.
21:31Oh, I'm not hungry. I think I'll go to bed.
21:33I'll see you later.
21:38Dad, will you help us with my history project?
21:40Not tonight, son. You're dead tired.
21:45Debbie, go and wash your hands.
21:50Jenny?
21:52What's happened to those old newspapers?
21:54Why? Did you want them?
21:56I thought I did. I was going to throw them away.
21:59I didn't touch them.
22:01Well, I know Ben didn't.
22:03Mum, off the TV. We'll make you some more glue.
22:11I expected you to be halfway to America
22:13with Richard Branson in a basket by now.
22:16Don't be snide, Bill.
22:18It was very interesting.
22:20Oh?
22:21Do you know in an emergency
22:23they can lower their undercarriage using a handle?
22:25I don't say.
22:27Did you try it out?
22:29Hardly fancied him at all close up.
22:31They must breed them with tiny bums
22:33to fit between the seats easily.
22:35It's far too bony.
22:37I'd like something to hold on to.
22:39When he bent over, he looked like
22:41two little cling peaches on top of a French flan.
22:44But you did sleep with him.
22:47It seemed wasteful not to.
22:51Rona?
22:52I know.
22:53What?
22:54You've still got that note.
22:56You've been looking shifty all morning.
22:58I haven't.
22:59You're looking shifty now.
23:01Well, now you're looking like you're trying not to look shifty.
23:03Sister Virtue would have given you
23:05a pale mare is in a cold bath by now.
23:07I don't know what to do.
23:09Yes, you do. Throw it away.
23:11I can't.
23:13Why not?
23:19It's stuck to a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
23:28There's only one way to put a stop to this.
23:31What are you doing?
23:33Dialing.
23:35Rona, don't.
23:37It's ringing.
23:39No.
23:40Here.
23:47Hello.
23:48I don't expect you'll remember,
23:50but you left your number in my van.
23:54That's right.
23:57Um, yes.
23:58What's the address?
24:04OK, I will.
24:06Bye.
24:09Well?
24:12It was a customer.
24:14I saw the van parked and wants Ben to fix his radiator.
24:19You're disappointed.
24:21Relieved.
24:22You didn't really want it to be him, did you?
24:25No.
24:26I love Ben too much.
24:29It's just that...
24:31I don't know.
24:32What's it all about?
24:36That's what we'd all like to know.
24:51Do not forsake me, oh, my darling
24:58On this hour and day
25:06Do not forsake me, oh, my darling
25:13Wait, wait a long
25:22I do not know what fate awaits me
25:30I only know I must be brave
25:37And I must face the man who hates me
25:44All I a coward, a craven coward
25:52All I a coward in my grave
26:00Wait a long
26:09Wait a long
26:20How did it go?
26:23Well, how much?
26:25Nearly three.
26:26Three hundred?
26:27Well, that's not too bad.
26:29Three thousand.
26:31What?
26:33Miscalculation on the last three demands.
26:36Computer error.
26:38We don't have that kind of money.
26:42We do now.
26:43It's a rebate from Her Majesty.
26:46A rebate?
26:47Are you sure?
26:48Diana's going to have to give back that frock.
26:50Three thousand pounds?
26:52Three thousand pounds, fifty-five thousand francs, five hundred million lira.
26:57Quick!
26:58We can get the three out before the kids can trace the plane tickets.
27:01My mum's.
27:02Too late.
27:03Hey, Dad!
27:04Sumo.
27:05Sumo.
27:11I dare you.
27:12You're going to make so much noise.
27:23Do I look all right?
27:24Of course she can.
27:27You look terrific.
27:28I don't know whether to take a bag.
27:30Yeah, put it over your head.
27:32Oh.
27:35He won't be here any minute.
27:36Scott!
27:37Last week, that was totally nerdy.
27:40Look, he might come in, so please, try to be at your best.
27:45Don't worry.
27:46We'll just be ourselves.
27:52Maybe I'll wait for him outside.
27:54All right, but remember the rules.
27:56Straight to the cinema, straight home.
27:59Back by eleven.
28:01And straight into the house.
28:04Oh, God!
28:05And no alcohol and no sniffing glue.
28:11Good!
28:12Mother, you're so seventies.
28:15Bye, love.
28:16Have a good time.
28:18Wink!
28:22David, go upstairs and wash.
28:25Again?
28:26I want to be able to see your face in those towels.
28:35There he is.
28:37I thought he usually wore a leather jacket.
28:40He did.
28:42Remember our first date?
28:44Yeah.
29:04APPLAUSE