Based on Terry Southern's satirical novel, a sendup of Voltaire's Candide . Young Candy is a high school girl who seeks truth and meaning in life, encountering a variety of kookie characters and humorous sexual situations in the process.
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Short filmTranscript
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00:01:13Miss Christian!
00:01:16Miss Christian?
00:01:18Well, Miss Christian?
00:01:22We were waiting, Miss Christian.
00:01:24I'm sorry, I didn't hear the question.
00:01:27You what?
00:01:28I didn't hear the question.
00:01:30Ah, yes.
00:01:31I see.
00:01:33Yes, indeed.
00:01:34You didn't hear the question.
00:01:35Is that right?
00:01:36Yes, Daddy.
00:01:37What?
00:01:39Yes, Mr. Christian.
00:01:41All right!
00:01:42Now I think we're getting somewhere.
00:01:45Miss Christian, wait in the hall for me after class.
00:01:48Tomorrow's assignment will be...
00:01:51to write an essay
00:01:53on the subject of the citizen's responsibility to his government,
00:01:57his church,
00:01:59his school,
00:02:00his parents,
00:02:02his community,
00:02:03and his local police force.
00:02:04his community, and his local police force.
00:02:25I'm sorry I got a little angry in there, Candy.
00:02:27I hope you'll forgive me.
00:02:29Of course, Daddy.
00:02:30I guess you must think I'm some kind of a square,
00:02:33sort of old-fashioned, kind of a fuddy-duddy.
00:02:36Hmm?
00:02:38Maybe just a little.
00:02:39Well, thanks a lot.
00:02:40Daddy, all I...
00:02:41No, no, no, you don't have to say anything.
00:02:43I know what you mean. I don't need an explanation.
00:02:45I know what the kids call me behind my back.
00:02:47The kids don't call you anything behind your back, Daddy.
00:02:50That's exactly what I mean.
00:02:52All the other teachers in the school have nicknames.
00:02:55I'm just plain old Mr. Christian.
00:02:57Oh, you shouldn't feel badly.
00:02:59All the kids like you.
00:03:01They do?
00:03:02Of course they do.
00:03:03They think you're a swell teacher.
00:03:07Oh, thank you, honey.
00:03:09Oh, that makes me feel very good.
00:03:12By golly.
00:03:14I'm glad we had this little chat.
00:03:16I think a girl and her dad should be good friends.
00:03:20I hope we are.
00:03:21Oh, Daddy.
00:03:26What?
00:03:28Hi.
00:03:30Oh, excuse me, Mr. Christian.
00:03:31What is it, Harold?
00:03:32I just want to remind Candy that if she doesn't hurry up, she's going to be late.
00:03:35Come on.
00:03:36He's a fine young man.
00:03:37Who is?
00:03:38Harold is a good student.
00:03:39Daddy, I have to go.
00:03:40Candy, you've been seeing a lot of Harold lately, haven't you?
00:03:42I just want to be sure that you're not doing anything foolish.
00:03:45I'm going to be late.
00:03:46All right, all right. We'll talk about it later.
00:03:47We'll have a nice man-to-man chat.
00:03:48All right.
00:03:49I'm having a meeting with the social sciences department at the house at five.
00:03:51Please be there.
00:03:52All right.
00:03:53What's the hurry? What's all the excitement about?
00:03:55Macphisto.
00:03:57Macphisto?
00:04:00Macphisto!
00:04:02Macphisto!
00:04:03Macphisto!
00:04:25Macphisto!
00:04:30Macphisto!
00:05:00Macphisto!
00:05:01Macphisto!
00:05:02Macphisto!
00:05:03Macphisto!
00:05:24Macphisto!
00:05:26Life, which burned and bled
00:05:30In the triumph of my dream-dimmed days
00:05:34Where I stood, steaming brightly
00:05:37In the sleep-spun, sight-stunned glimmer
00:05:41Of that eagle-crested dream
00:05:44Thrust through the draughty tongue-tied pores
00:05:47Of those whose tender envelope of word-washed flesh
00:05:52Flinging that nameless, bitter, tear-stripped cry
00:05:56To the ice-green, wind-whipped, strawberry passion
00:06:01Of my fractured spleen's old, lymph-drained, liquid lust
00:06:22Macphisto!
00:06:47The poem that I've just recited to you was composed
00:06:52In a hospital in Burma
00:06:55As I lay close to death
00:06:57Having been savagely beaten by a
00:07:00A horde of outraged Belgian tourists
00:07:05You will find this poem in my collected verse
00:07:08Entitled Forests of Flesh
00:07:14It has not yet been published in this country but
00:07:16You can get a privately edited edition
00:07:20Signed personally by the author, who is me
00:07:26Three dollars
00:07:27Either in cash or money order
00:07:34To Macphisto
00:07:39Box 2723
00:07:44Leamington
00:07:47New Jersey
00:07:49Macphisto
00:07:50Box 2723, Leamington
00:07:54New Jersey
00:08:04I would also like to express my thanks to the Rolling Stone
00:08:07The Rolling...
00:08:10Rolling Fields Center High School Student Committee Advisory Board
00:08:19Who had the courage and may I say
00:08:23The wisdom to invite me here
00:08:26As you know my work has been banned and my books have been burned in
00:08:3227 major countries and 14 newly emergent nations
00:08:40Why are they afraid of me?
00:08:43One asks oneself
00:08:45Why?
00:08:47Because I celebrate the virtue
00:08:50The beauty
00:08:51The wonder
00:08:53The ultimate
00:08:54Ineffable
00:08:56Desire
00:08:58Of the ecstasy of the human spirit
00:09:02Dulcis
00:09:04Imperatrix
00:09:07Whatever that may mean
00:09:10My poems are as innocent
00:09:12As children, young, innocent
00:09:14Because only children will understand the freedom
00:09:17And the virtue of giving oneself without
00:09:20Restraint
00:09:22Uninhibitedly
00:09:24Unashamed
00:09:26I wonder
00:09:28How many of us here
00:09:30Have this gift for sacrifice
00:09:34I sense there may be some
00:09:37Perhaps
00:09:38Ten or twenty
00:09:41Three or four
00:09:44Perhaps
00:09:47Only one
00:09:52Miss Quimby
00:09:54Just exactly who is this McPhisto person?
00:09:57Don't you know who McPhisto is?
00:09:59I'm surprised at you Mr. Christian
00:10:01Don't you read poetry?
00:10:03I don't have time for poetry
00:10:05I'm in the social sciences, not the humanities
00:10:07Well, after all, he's one of the best known poets of the 20th century
00:10:11I gobbled up the mountains
00:10:13Et the sky
00:10:15And drank the sea
00:10:17Until I was the universe
00:10:20The universe was me
00:10:22Me
00:10:23Me
00:10:24Me
00:10:31Me
00:10:32Me
00:10:33Me
00:10:34Me
00:10:35Me
00:10:36Me
00:10:37Me
00:10:38Me
00:10:39Me
00:10:40Me
00:10:41Me
00:10:42Me
00:10:43Me
00:10:44Me
00:10:45Me
00:10:46Me
00:10:47Me
00:10:48Me
00:10:49Me
00:10:50Me
00:10:51Me
00:10:52Me
00:10:53Me
00:10:54Me
00:10:55Me
00:10:56Me
00:10:57Me
00:10:58Me
00:10:59Me
00:11:01Me
00:11:21Where is he?
00:11:23In the Mercedes
00:11:25I'll drive this time
00:11:27You'll have your hands full
00:11:59Hello. I'm Candy. Candy Christian.
00:12:03Candy. Beautiful name. It has the spirit, the sound of the Old Testament.
00:12:08Thank you.
00:12:11I wonder if you'd allow me to drive you home.
00:12:15That would be nice.
00:12:17Where do you live?
00:12:198357.
00:12:21I'm sorry, but I can't.
00:12:24That would be nice.
00:12:26Where do you live?
00:12:288357.5 Schweitzer Terrace.
00:12:36Zero. Can you find 8357.5 Schweitzer Terrace?
00:12:44Gotcha, man.
00:12:48That was zero.
00:12:51Your driver?
00:12:52No, my friend.
00:12:55Several years ago, I was on a lecture tour of the Congo.
00:12:59One day, after having delivered some of my works to an audience of not less than 700 gone-awry warriors,
00:13:08a fierce but poetry-loving tribe,
00:13:12I stumbled out into a clearing and saw an unfortunate native being attacked by a giant bush python.
00:13:21The man was already half-digested.
00:13:23When I ran to him, took him by the shoulders and tore him from the jaws of this slavering beast
00:13:29and destroyed the animal with one slash of my ballpoint pen.
00:13:36After 16 delicate operations on his feet and mind, Zero was able to walk again.
00:13:43We have been together ever since.
00:13:46I saw that story Tuesday night on the TV movie of the week.
00:13:50In that case, I saved Zero from a lynch mob three years ago in Shreveport, Louisiana.
00:13:59The rope was already about his neck.
00:14:02And then I started speaking my epic, the Brotherhood of Man, in English.
00:14:09And then, and then, in Welsh.
00:14:16It changed their minds and their lives.
00:14:19There is now a fully integrated school system in Shreveport, Louisiana.
00:14:24And Zero and I...
00:14:26Have been together ever since?
00:14:28Exactly.
00:14:31And now, I want to hear about you.
00:14:35Tell me about yourself.
00:14:37What do you look for?
00:14:39What do you believe?
00:14:41I believe in what you said before.
00:14:44Before?
00:14:45At school.
00:14:46When you talked about those who are free enough to give.
00:14:49Ah, yes.
00:14:50To give.
00:14:52Those few.
00:14:55That happy few.
00:14:56Those incredibly lucky few who have the freedom to give.
00:15:02But what?
00:15:05To give myself.
00:15:06Yes.
00:15:08But to what?
00:15:11To whatever needs me.
00:15:12Oh, yes.
00:15:14Yes, I knew it.
00:15:15I sensed it.
00:15:16The moment I saw you, I knew that you were the only one who had the capacity to understand my great...
00:15:21My great...
00:15:23Yes?
00:15:33Need.
00:15:34Need.
00:15:35Need.
00:15:36Need.
00:15:37Need.
00:15:38Need.
00:15:40My huge...
00:15:41My giant need.
00:15:43My huge, overwhelming need.
00:15:45Need.
00:15:46Need.
00:15:47My huge, overpowering need.
00:15:50But, but, listen.
00:15:51Of you.
00:15:52Need.
00:15:53Need.
00:15:54Never deny the need.
00:15:55Need.
00:15:56Need.
00:15:57Need.
00:15:58Never deny the need.
00:15:59Don't try to deny the need.
00:16:01I'm not.
00:16:02It's just that I'm not ready.
00:16:03Oh, for God's sake.
00:16:04Need can't be kept waiting.
00:16:06Need is here.
00:16:08Need is now.
00:16:10Listen.
00:16:12No.
00:16:20Need.
00:16:21Need is now.
00:16:27Eighty three, fifty seven and a half, switch the gears, folks.
00:16:29Go away.
00:16:31You're interfering with the need.
00:16:34Need.
00:16:35Need.
00:16:36My giant need.
00:16:38Oh, no.
00:16:40Oh my gosh, look at that. He's a terrible mess.
00:16:49Well, man, that's the story of love.
00:16:57He's dead drunk and soaking wet. We've got to do something.
00:17:02Help me take him into the house and we'll get him out of those wet pants and dry them.
00:17:07Alright.
00:17:09Oh, no good.
00:17:17This man wet his pants.
00:17:20Oh, this is terrible. All covered with liquor. A famous poet like Mr. McPhisto.
00:17:26Makes you kind of starve and bank, don't it?
00:17:28Oh, not nice. These people do bad things.
00:17:35Do you think you can walk now?
00:17:37Don't worry, we'll make it.
00:17:38Are you sure?
00:17:39Sure.
00:17:40What's going on?
00:17:42If you can take him down those stairs into our playroom, I'll just get the ironing board.
00:17:48I can handle him.
00:17:49What have you done with my need?
00:17:53Come on, old buddy. Come on, we can make it.
00:17:58Ah.
00:18:03I shall go with your systems to zero.
00:18:09Come on, old buddy. We'll make it.
00:18:21Emanuel.
00:18:22Yes, miss.
00:18:23Please come inside. I want you to do something for me.
00:18:28Inside?
00:18:29Yes, inside, quick.
00:18:31Oh, no inside. I no think Mr. Christian would like that.
00:18:35Emanuel, I don't care about that. I need you now.
00:18:38You need Emanuel?
00:18:39Yes, now.
00:18:41Oh, but Emanuel is good boy.
00:18:45I want you to get the ironing board from the kitchen.
00:18:48Ironing board?
00:18:49Yes, the ironing board. I want you to bring it down to the basement.
00:18:52Basement?
00:18:53Please, now. I have to change this dress.
00:19:01She want me.
00:19:15She want me.
00:19:19Come on, old buddy. Let's get those pants off.
00:19:21Go away. How dare you?
00:19:26Are you suggesting that a potential candidate for the Nobel Prize in literature is not capable of taking off his own trousers?
00:19:44Hey, man. Did you tell her the one about when you rescued me from the slave traders auction in Marrakesh?
00:20:00Emanuel, please hurry up with the ironing board.
00:20:03Hold still, little one. But get in there.
00:20:06I'm coming.
00:20:07I'm coming.
00:20:08I'm coming.
00:20:09Emanuel, please hurry up with the ironing board.
00:20:18Listen.
00:20:20Please, give me those trousers.
00:20:22Ah, yes. To give. To give. The miracle of giving.
00:20:29That's the title of one of his finest sonnets.
00:20:32Right here, Emanuel. Set the board up right here.
00:20:36Oh, this no good. This is house of the devil.
00:20:42Oh, this no good. This is house of the devil.
00:20:55Ah, you. You with the face of an Aztec.
00:20:59Sole survivor of the massacre of your proud race.
00:21:03Tell her like it is, baby.
00:21:06Now I'll just set it for cut.
00:21:09What this man say?
00:21:11It's a poem.
00:21:12No good. It is devil talk.
00:21:15No, no, Emanuel. He's talking about life and love and giving to one another.
00:21:19Give? Give what?
00:21:21Give yourself.
00:21:22Emanuel is good boy.
00:21:24Of course you are. You're a good boy. You're a wonderful gardener.
00:21:28And a credit to Mexicans everywhere.
00:21:31Remember your hot Latin blood.
00:21:34Emanuel is citizen of United States.
00:21:36Remember the Alamo.
00:21:38But I do.
00:21:39Remember La Revolucion.
00:21:43La Revolucion. La Revolucion. La Revolucion. La Revolucion.
00:21:50But this isn't exactly what I mean.
00:21:53Emanuel, he give himself. Now.
00:21:57Emanuel, I don't think...
00:21:59Yes.
00:22:00I go wrong.
00:22:02Well, tell me.
00:22:04Tell me.
00:22:05You know...
00:22:07You know what your problem is?
00:22:10You're not getting enough yourself.
00:22:12I think you're gonna like New York, honey.
00:22:15It's filled with lots of nice young kids just like you.
00:22:19Kids who aren't afraid to scratch when it itches.
00:22:22I just hate to think of leaving daddy.
00:22:24Especially now when he's so upset.
00:22:27You should thank God you got a chance to get away from this town full of dum-dums.
00:22:32What about the scandal?
00:22:34Just because you were caught in the act with that little taco twister?
00:22:38Big deal.
00:22:40Listen, when I was your age, I had a jab for a lover.
00:22:43That little runt and I were so hot for each other.
00:22:46They used to have to throw cold water on us.
00:22:49On the pool table, huh?
00:22:51Wish I'd been there with my Polaroid.
00:22:53Please, please. This is my daughter you're talking about.
00:22:56I know that, but after all, there's no sense in crying just because one slice has been cut off the old load.
00:23:02Well, if I'm going to drive you to the airport...
00:23:05Don't answer. It's another one of those filthy anonymous calls.
00:23:11Hello, Christian Sporting House.
00:23:14I see. Well, thank you very much.
00:23:16By the way, your sister's here and she's already made over 200 bucks.
00:23:26Oh, my God.
00:23:57Say, I think they're after us.
00:23:58Who's after us?
00:23:59Looks to me like you've got a few Hell's Angels on your tail.
00:24:02Oui, I'd like to have a few Hell's Angels on mine.
00:24:05Hey, amigo!
00:24:07Lorenzo!
00:24:08Isn't that Emmanuel?
00:24:10I don't know, honey. You know him a lot better than I do.
00:24:26He wants this butcher!
00:24:32Butcher!
00:24:34Butcher!
00:24:43If it's trouble they want, hey, did you see this one on the first bike?
00:24:48She looks like an ad for that magazine you get.
00:24:50Whips and Chains?
00:24:52No, the other one. Leather Ladies.
00:24:55Oh, you're right. She does.
00:24:59Maybe they just want to talk to us.
00:25:02I'd like to have a talk with that big one.
00:25:04I'll bet you would.
00:25:07It's not talk they want, I'll tell you that.
00:25:09Hey, maybe they want to give you a nice lesson in civics.
00:25:14It's not funny, Olivia. It's not a funny situation.
00:25:26I think that's your plane over there.
00:25:29Flight 1347 for New York.
00:25:34Boarding now at gate 7.
00:25:39Hey, gringo, you in some big hurry?
00:25:42Yes.
00:25:43We're trying to catch a plane.
00:25:45You trying to catch a plane? You in big hurry, huh?
00:25:48You trying to run away from something?
00:25:50No, of course not.
00:25:51Now, look here. We're just...
00:25:53My daughter's going away to school in New York, and we're just trying...
00:25:56Look, why don't you folks just say what it is you want, for God's sake.
00:25:59We want the little chicken.
00:26:01What?
00:26:02What? Little chicken?
00:26:04What in heaven's name are you people talking about?
00:26:06Yeah, give us the little chicken. Give her to us.
00:26:09What in the name... Now, look, you people.
00:26:11This isn't some godforsaken border town where you can just go about as you please...
00:26:16and bother innocent people and do... do... do Mexican things.
00:26:21Wait a minute. Let me handle this.
00:26:23Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
00:26:25Now, I think we can all find a way to be cool about this.
00:26:28We're all members of the same club, you know what I mean?
00:26:30Now, I have this wristwatch here.
00:26:32It's a very valuable Zhagov Ronay.
00:26:34Self-winding, rust shock, waterproof.
00:26:36Built-in calendar.
00:26:38We don't want your watch.
00:26:39A stop pen graduated to the tenth of a second.
00:26:41We don't want your stinking watches.
00:26:43A little window that shows the phases of the moon.
00:26:51Now, wait a minute.
00:26:53Just you hold your horses!
00:26:57Dona Eta! Dona Eta!
00:26:59Emanuel! Is that you?
00:27:01Emanuel, come here.
00:27:07Emanuel, what is this all about?
00:27:10You know him? You know little brother?
00:27:13Well, yes, I...
00:27:14You dishonor our family.
00:27:16What? What in heaven's name are you talking about?
00:27:19Emanuel Schultz.
00:27:23Emanuel is good boy.
00:27:25Emanuel was good boy.
00:27:27Emanuel was virgin.
00:27:29Emanuel was studying to be priest.
00:27:31But I didn't mean...
00:27:32Schultz, the one who did this thing to you.
00:27:39But I didn't mean to.
00:27:49This is absurd.
00:27:51This is the 20th century.
00:27:53We're in the Midwest.
00:27:57Now, listen, ladies.
00:27:58A little bit of flagellation is okay,
00:28:00but this is going too far.
00:28:04You wouldn't dare.
00:28:05You ruin him, we ruin you.
00:28:09We...
00:28:13For God's sakes, ladies.
00:28:15We're all citizens.
00:28:25No, don't hurt...
00:28:26This woman is mine.
00:28:31Gardner!
00:28:39Hey, over here!
00:28:46Look out!
00:29:10Oh, Miss Christian!
00:29:12Stay with me!
00:29:17Wait!
00:29:24Wait!
00:29:35Daddy, get on!
00:29:40Daddy!
00:29:48Stay with me!
00:30:09Daddy!
00:30:13Daddy!
00:30:16Siegmeyer!
00:30:17Hey!
00:30:18Break out that stratus, Richard.
00:30:19We've got a horizontal here.
00:30:24Daddy!
00:30:31Uncle Jack!
00:30:32He's hurt!
00:30:33Look!
00:30:34My God, if we weren't on orders,
00:30:36I'd drop in there with my men
00:30:38and wipe those lice off the face of the earth.
00:30:40Listen, he's unconscious.
00:30:41I think we'd better do something.
00:30:43Who were they, hmm?
00:30:44I couldn't see much down there,
00:30:46but I could see enough to tell that they were scum.
00:30:48Were they Albanians?
00:30:49Oh, no, no, no.
00:30:50It was just a personal thing.
00:30:51I got a nose for Albanians.
00:30:53They looked like Albanians to me.
00:30:55No, no, no.
00:30:56They were just some Mexicans.
00:30:57Look, isn't there something...
00:30:58Mexicans, Albanians, Litvaks,
00:31:01they're damn near interchangeable.
00:31:04I may not have been first in my class,
00:31:06but I know one or two things about trickery and deceit.
00:31:09Right, right.
00:31:10Listen, I think my brother's in bad shape.
00:31:13Isn't there something you could do?
00:31:15All right.
00:31:16All right, let me through here.
00:31:18Let me through here.
00:31:20Give that buddy some breathing space.
00:31:22Oh, watch your hand, Charlie.
00:31:27There's a heart beating in there.
00:31:29By God, those cockroaches haven't licked us yet.
00:31:33Oh, can't you do anything?
00:31:34I can hope and I can pray, little lady, and so can you.
00:31:37They haven't taken that privilege away from us yet.
00:31:40It's all my fault.
00:31:42I'm no doctor, but I can tell you this.
00:31:44I've seen casualties in my time, plenty of them.
00:31:46And this man is in bad shape.
00:31:48Let's face facts.
00:31:49That stuff that's coming out of his head there is blood.
00:31:51Oh, no.
00:31:52Daddy, please say something.
00:31:55Oh, no, none of that.
00:31:56None of that.
00:31:57No tears now.
00:31:59Little soldiers don't cry.
00:32:01Is there a doctor on board?
00:32:03Negative.
00:32:05Swell.
00:32:06What kind of an outfit is this?
00:32:07Fighting outfit.
00:32:08We travel light, move fast, hit and run.
00:32:10A man gets it, we leave him behind.
00:32:12That's one of the prices we have to pay for democracy.
00:32:14Now, wait a minute, General.
00:32:15I have some rather influential friends in Washington.
00:32:17I'll bet you do.
00:32:18I'll just bet you have some pals in Pinkoville.
00:32:21I'll just bet you know some of those upper echelon comm simps.
00:32:25Well, let me tell you something, mister.
00:32:28That does not cut the mustard here, see?
00:32:30Now, wait a minute.
00:32:31I'm not trying to bust up some kind of political science teacher.
00:32:34Oh, me?
00:32:35Fulbright scholar, maybe.
00:32:36I'm just trying to...
00:32:37I'll let you subscribe to the New York Times, huh?
00:32:39And go to foreign films, maybe eat a little caviar, huh?
00:32:43What do my eating habits have to do with it?
00:32:45Well, let me tell you something, mister caviar lover.
00:32:48And this is K-Rations talking now.
00:32:51This concerns all of you.
00:32:52You hear me?
00:32:54This is special order number 902783.
00:32:57While you are on board this aircraft, you are under my command.
00:33:01Huh?
00:33:02You are under the command of R.A. Smite, Brigadier General,
00:33:04United States Special Reconnaissance Tactical Paratroop Command,
00:33:07Spec Rec Tech Paracom.
00:33:09I am responsible for the success of this mission,
00:33:11which is to stay aloft,
00:33:12coming down only when necessary to refuel and take on supplies
00:33:15until we are routed by Spec Rec Tech Paracom HQ
00:33:18to jump in anytime, anywhere and get the job done.
00:33:21Do you comprehend me?
00:33:22But this man...
00:33:23This man!
00:33:24This man!
00:33:25I have 24 men to take care of.
00:33:28Do you read me?
00:33:2924, head up!
00:33:311, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24...
00:33:40Bingo!
00:33:42Pretty damn impressive, right?
00:33:44I'll say, all those men counting right up to 24 without a single mistake.
00:33:47What else do the boys do?
00:33:49You name it, they'll carry it out.
00:33:54Don't tempt her.
00:33:55They're ready for anything.
00:33:57Eighteen months up here in the wild blue yonder,
00:33:59have not, repeat, have not dulled this outfit's fighting edge.
00:34:03Watch this.
00:34:07Report!
00:34:09My God, help!
00:34:18Ready, set, shoot!
00:34:25Ready, set, shoot!
00:34:43My God.
00:34:46That doesn't make you proud to be an American.
00:34:50And as far as I'm concerned, you've got spit for blood.
00:34:53Look, that was a great dance number.
00:34:56But let's face it, my brother-in-law's lapsed into a dandy coma.
00:35:00Yeah, and he's leaking badly.
00:35:02He's got to have a transfusion.
00:35:07What?
00:35:08A transfusion.
00:35:13Transfusion?
00:35:15General, please.
00:35:18I'll do anything.
00:35:24Anything.
00:35:28Gliedmeier, Kiesmaier, bring out that first aid equipment.
00:35:36Get that man ready for blood.
00:35:44He loved that jacket.
00:35:45Donors. We'll need donors.
00:35:47We'll do it.
00:35:48Wait a minute. As you were.
00:35:53This man is your brother, right?
00:35:55Yes.
00:35:56And all of you, you're all family?
00:35:58Of course.
00:35:59Well, then, what in God's name are you thinking of?
00:36:02I'm afraid I don't follow you.
00:36:03What I'm saying, mister, is...
00:36:07You can't give blood to a member of your own family.
00:36:10Why can't I?
00:36:11Why can't you?
00:36:12Why can't you?
00:36:14That was my question, yes.
00:36:15Well, because that's...
00:36:20That's incest.
00:36:24Well, am I wrong?
00:36:29General.
00:36:30Yes?
00:36:31Come over here, please.
00:36:32Yes, what is it? What is it?
00:36:34Let me explain something to you.
00:36:36What you're talking about is...
00:36:38Is when...
00:36:53You see?
00:36:55By God, what kind of people are you?
00:36:58Is there nothing sacred?
00:37:02Oh, General, please.
00:37:05Don't worry, little girl. Don't you worry.
00:37:08We won't let your daddy die.
00:37:10General, what about some of your men giving some of their blood?
00:37:12I'll be glad to pay for it.
00:37:13Out of the question, those boys.
00:37:15You might be going into combat any minute.
00:37:16They'll need all their strength.
00:37:18You with the white hat.
00:37:19You're next of kin.
00:37:20Come with me.
00:37:24Snap to, flyboys.
00:37:25Yes, sir.
00:37:29There's a man back there in bad shape.
00:37:30He caught one in the head.
00:37:32It may be the big casino for him,
00:37:34unless he gets some good American blood.
00:37:36Do you read me?
00:37:37Yes, sir.
00:37:38Once I go over here,
00:37:39your order is to get back there and transfuse.
00:37:41Yes, sir.
00:37:53Now, let's talk turkey.
00:37:54But, General, don't you think I should be back there with...
00:37:57At ease.
00:37:58Now, here's the situation as I see it.
00:38:00A man like me hasn't got time for big words or fancy speeches.
00:38:03I'm going to say what I have to say just once,
00:38:05and I want you to read me loud and clear.
00:38:07Some of us haven't had time for the nice, soft, easy life.
00:38:11You understand?
00:38:13Some of us haven't had much dolce in our vidas.
00:38:17How can I help?
00:38:20Well, I want you to...
00:38:21Yes?
00:38:22Strip down.
00:38:26But, General, as much as I respect your rank, I think...
00:38:29As you were.
00:38:30I'm not asking for respect.
00:38:32I'm asking for something more.
00:38:34I know it must get terribly lonely up here.
00:38:36Lonely?
00:38:37That's Section 8 talk, girlie.
00:38:39A man can't be lonely
00:38:41when he's surrounded by 24 of the finest boys
00:38:44who ever chow down together.
00:38:46But I've been in this crate for...
00:38:48By God, for six years.
00:38:51Six years barreling along in the belly of this monster.
00:38:55Both eyes peeled for the enemy,
00:38:57waiting for the big one.
00:38:59Six years without a movie, without a leave,
00:39:01without the USO.
00:39:02Six years without a woman.
00:39:04That must be some kind of a record.
00:39:06So I'm asking you,
00:39:08in the name of all that's sacred to the free world,
00:39:11for the sake of those of us
00:39:13who are stemming that vicious, slimy tide of totalitarianism,
00:39:18for those of us who stand with our backs against the wall
00:39:22and our fingers in the dike,
00:39:26I'm asking you,
00:39:28if you love your country,
00:39:32give me one little peek.
00:39:36You make me proud to be an American.
00:39:48Oh, I really hate to see them go,
00:39:51all those cute helmets, and they have...
00:39:54Covenant, concealment, massive retaliation.
00:40:09War certainly seems to be hell.
00:40:13Where'd they go? Where are they?
00:40:16By God, they've...
00:40:18They've gone without me.
00:40:20You can still catch them, if you hurry.
00:40:22Wait for me, boys.
00:40:24They can't go into action without me.
00:40:26Wait for me, boys.
00:40:28Wait for the old man!
00:40:42Will you please have an ambulance and a doctor standing by?
00:41:12This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
00:41:15I'm going to spend the rest of my life in jail.
00:41:19You want to go play ball?
00:41:42You want to go play ball?
00:42:02You should be very proud, Ken.
00:42:04This is quite a turnout for your old man.
00:42:06A lot of New York's wealthiest, most respected,
00:42:09thoroughly depraved citizens are here tonight.
00:42:39Don't worry, honey.
00:42:51If anything happens, you can always come and live with your old uncle.
00:42:53Yes, we'll teach you a thing or two.
00:42:55What do you mean, if anything happens?
00:42:57Well, I think we have to be realists.
00:42:59Nobody loves your daddy any more than I do.
00:43:01I'd chop off my right arm for him.
00:43:03You're left-handed.
00:43:04Well, that's beside the point.
00:43:05Look, what I'm trying to say is,
00:43:07I'm sure that everything's going to turn out all right,
00:43:10but if it doesn't, well, easy come, easy go.
00:43:14How can you say that?
00:43:17Well, no matter what happens,
00:43:19we have to go on living and loving.
00:43:22Dr. Cronkite's the best surgeon in the world for this kind of stuff,
00:43:25but even he can screw up.
00:43:27Isn't it bad luck to say that?
00:43:29Only for the patient.
00:44:37Patient is suffering from a severe intercoastal displacement
00:45:03complicated by massive ganglionic contractions.
00:45:06There's an immediate danger of three-phase nodular blockage.
00:45:10And although I believe we can successfully obey this particular menace,
00:45:14we'll have to be extremely careful about more permanent damage
00:45:18in the post-operative state resulting from hydrocellular lymphococcus.
00:45:24As we know, this can turn into a condition known as Ratner's syndrome,
00:45:30in which case the patient will continue to live
00:45:33and have almost full use of his muscular system.
00:45:37His mental capacity will be reduced to the level
00:45:40comparable with that of a rather mature cucumber.
00:45:45Now then, this leaves us with several interesting choices.
00:45:53One, we can perform that traditional bump and loop fusion.
00:45:59This would require lifting off two-thirds of the skull
00:46:02and exposing the patient's brain to an inordinate amount of A.D.
00:46:06Atmospheric threat, right?
00:46:09Or two, we could slip in crackly under one shoulder blade,
00:46:13using the technique developed by Bledsoell and Mannis at Johns Hopkins
00:46:16in their series of experimental operations on spider monkeys.
00:46:20Huh?
00:46:23Well, let's face it.
00:46:27This is a human being we're operating on here today, not the spider monkey.
00:46:33If there's anyone here who doesn't think there's a big, big difference between the two,
00:46:36can just get the hell out of here right now!
00:46:41No?
00:46:44All right then.
00:46:47Just what are we going to do?
00:46:51Dr. Harris?
00:46:53I feel that we should commence with a subcranial incision.
00:46:57And that'll be your double talk now?
00:46:59I was just going to suggest that we start...
00:47:01Get off the gobbledygook!
00:47:03Well, it seems to me as if this operation is going to be...
00:47:05Oh, can't the gibberish, Harris.
00:47:07I'll tell you exactly what we're not going to do.
00:47:12We're not going to get all hung up on these old-fashioned,
00:47:14tried-and-true cornball methods now, are we?
00:47:18No. We're going to throw the book away.
00:47:26Wait.
00:47:32Say, I wonder if...
00:47:33Shut the door!
00:47:40Say, I wonder if you could help me.
00:47:42Help?
00:47:43I'm looking for Dr. Crankite.
00:47:44What?
00:47:45Do you know where I can find Dr. Crank...
00:47:47Be careful!
00:47:55Could anyone help me?
00:47:56Mama.
00:47:57I'm looking for Dr. Crankite.
00:47:59Dr. Crankite!
00:48:17I want you to let him alone.
00:48:19What do you mean, let who alone?
00:48:21Dr. Crankite!
00:48:22That's who!
00:48:23Why?
00:48:24Why?
00:48:25Because I'm his mama.
00:48:27So, you're Mrs. Crankite?
00:48:29Not Crankite.
00:48:30Fingolini.
00:48:31Fingolini?
00:48:32Abraham Crankite is really Mario Fingolini.
00:48:36I changed his name because rich New York doctors ain't no degos.
00:48:41That's why he ain't going to play no footsies with no girl named Christian.
00:48:47I see you here tippy-toesing around anymore,
00:48:51and I'm going to take this brush and...
00:48:58This hospital is filled with very sick people.
00:49:02What did you say?
00:49:03I just said...
00:49:05Never mind, I heard it the first time.
00:49:07You said sick.
00:49:09All I meant was...
00:49:10I don't give a damn what you meant.
00:49:11These people have feelings just like everybody else in the world,
00:49:14and they don't have to be subjected to any of your superior airs.
00:49:17All I want to do is find Dr. Crankite.
00:49:20What for?
00:49:21I want to ask him something.
00:49:23I'll just bet you do.
00:49:25Well, listen to me, little Miss Bright Eyes.
00:49:27I'm Dr. Crankite's personal nurse.
00:49:29Personal!
00:49:30Bullock!
00:49:31This is Crankite.
00:49:32I want you now!
00:49:34Come!
00:49:37He wants me.
00:49:51Hey, kid, you're missing all the fun.
00:49:54This may just about be the best post-operative bash you've ever thrown.
00:50:00Hey, there she is.
00:50:01That's the one I was telling you about.
00:50:04Daddy.
00:50:05Don't touch him.
00:50:06The doctor says no touching.
00:50:08We mustn't forget that our hands are playgrounds for germs, microbes,
00:50:11spirochetes, and who knows what other kinds of contamination.
00:50:15I know.
00:50:16I know.
00:50:17I know.
00:50:18I know.
00:50:19I know.
00:50:20I know.
00:50:21I know.
00:50:22I know.
00:50:23I know.
00:50:24I know.
00:50:25I know.
00:50:26I know.
00:50:27I know.
00:50:28I know.
00:50:29I know.
00:50:30I know.
00:50:31I know.
00:50:33I just wanted him to know that I was here.
00:50:35He knows you're here.
00:50:36How can you tell?
00:50:38How can I tell?
00:50:44She asks how I can tell.
00:50:45Put those flowers in the ice box.
00:50:47He can tell because he's a doctor.
00:50:49Dig ?
00:50:51Then you think he's going to be all right?
00:50:53Well, let's put it this way.
00:50:55Your father will live.
00:50:56Oh, thank goodness.
00:50:58The question is for how long.
00:50:59Oh, you mean he might ...
00:51:01I don't mean anything.
00:51:04You must remember that scientifically speaking,
00:51:07the only difference between life and death
00:51:09is that death lasts a lot longer.
00:51:14Hey, look at this. Max brought his radio.
00:51:17Yes, let's have some dancing.
00:51:19I gotta find an outlet for this thing.
00:51:26Is he in pain?
00:51:27Oh, now that is an interesting question.
00:51:31Let me try to answer you this way.
00:51:33Now, pain is very difficult to measure.
00:51:36For instance...
00:51:37Ow! What are you doing?
00:51:40Well, that was painful, right?
00:51:42Oh, it certainly was.
00:51:43Well, how painful?
00:51:44Well, I don't know.
00:51:46More painful than a firm handshake?
00:51:47Yes.
00:51:48Ah, but not as painful as being crushed
00:51:51under the wheels of a two-ton truck.
00:51:53I guess not.
00:51:55Well, now that should give you some idea
00:51:56of the area in which your daddy's pain is measured.
00:52:00Let me direct your attention to this.
00:52:02What is it?
00:52:04It's one of my own developments.
00:52:07A giant stride forward in neuroencephalography.
00:52:10I call it the crankite subcutaneous electrodegenerator.
00:52:15The patient's brain is a storehouse of energy.
00:52:19I've implanted a small female socket
00:52:22in the cranial cavity.
00:52:23The male plug is inserted here,
00:52:27and the excess electrical energy is thus drained off.
00:52:32Without this safety valve,
00:52:34your daddy might suffer a serious short circuit
00:52:37and, in the language of the layman,
00:52:39blow his cool.
00:52:43But...
00:52:45that's not going to happen.
00:52:52But, Dr. Crankite...
00:52:55Oh, you little roller!
00:52:57Roller!
00:52:59Hi there, sweetheart.
00:53:01Come on, have a little dance with your old uncle, huh?
00:53:04Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
00:53:07Hey, hang on there. What's the matter?
00:53:09Too much funny?
00:53:11Here, here, just sit down right here.
00:53:18Now, you just settle down here,
00:53:21right next to your old man.
00:53:24Just make some room.
00:53:31There we are.
00:53:34Nice and cozy.
00:53:37Whole family.
00:53:39Right here together in the old sack.
00:53:41It's just the way it should be.
00:53:43Oh, I'm so tired.
00:53:45Oh, why don't you...
00:53:46Why don't you take off those shoes, huh?
00:53:49There we are.
00:53:54Baby girl.
00:53:56Now, loosen this tight dress for a little.
00:53:59There.
00:54:00Huh?
00:54:02Now, just...
00:54:04this nice clean sheet up over us.
00:54:10Now, you just...
00:54:11you just rest your head against my shoulder
00:54:14and get some shut-eye, hmm?
00:54:18There.
00:54:21I just wish you were my little girl.
00:54:26I know how rough it must be sometimes.
00:54:29I know your daddy's not the easiest man in the world to live with.
00:54:34Things will be a lot different with your Aunt Livia and me.
00:54:39We believe in a sort of informality.
00:54:43We like to think of it as...
00:54:45some kind of family planning.
00:54:47What's going on in here?
00:54:55Animals, that's what they are.
00:54:57A pack of wild animals.
00:54:59Oh, come on. You can't fool around with people's bodies all day long
00:55:02and then pretend you don't know the score.
00:55:03That's the one. She's the troublemaker.
00:55:06I like it.
00:55:12I suppose, young lady,
00:55:14you have an excellent reason
00:55:16for being caught in the bed of a critically injured patient,
00:55:20your half-naked body writhing and twisting,
00:55:23held in the grip of an insane and shameless passion.
00:55:27I just wanted to get some sleep. Besides, what business...
00:55:30This hospital is my business.
00:55:32I am Dr. Calvin Dunlap.
00:55:34Executive director of this establishment.
00:55:36And I consider it my business
00:55:38when one of its rooms is used
00:55:40as the setting for a lewd, disgraceful orgy.
00:55:43Honestly, there wasn't any orgy.
00:55:45Don't tell me.
00:55:47I majored in abnormal psychology,
00:55:50and I know orgies when I see them.
00:55:52I also know depravity,
00:55:54and indecency,
00:55:56and, I might add, infragrante delicto.
00:56:00I don't know what that means.
00:56:03It means that you are to leave this place immediately.
00:56:05I will not have it turned into a bordello
00:56:07by you or any other social outcast.
00:56:10In my book, you are a tart,
00:56:13a tramp, a trollop,
00:56:16a...
00:56:18teenager.
00:56:24What do you think you're doing, Dunlap?
00:56:28Why is that girl on the floor?
00:56:30Why is that girl on the floor?
00:56:32She fell there.
00:56:34The victim of Newton's law, eh?
00:56:36I don't suppose the fact that you were subjecting her
00:56:38to some of your psychotic abuse
00:56:40had anything to do with it, did it?
00:56:42Ah, no need to get me pecked, bronchite.
00:56:45Let me remind you, doctor,
00:56:47this is my patient.
00:56:49This is my patient's room,
00:56:51and that is my patient's daughter.
00:56:53Now, let's get her up off the floor.
00:56:55Come on.
00:56:58Well, look.
00:57:01See if you can't maintain some semblance of order in this room.
00:57:08Now, Mr. Christian,
00:57:10you've just been through a very serious operation.
00:57:12You got the wrong Christian, lady.
00:57:15Better let go of me,
00:57:17or I'll break every bone in your pelvis.
00:57:19There.
00:57:30Well, any notions, doctor?
00:57:34She's, um, apparently unconscious.
00:57:37Brilliant diagnosis.
00:57:39Now, just how do you propose
00:57:41that we deal with this situation?
00:57:44Any hot ideas, eh?
00:57:46She's young.
00:57:48Apparently a healthy girl.
00:57:50Right. We're licensed physicians.
00:57:52Oh, right again.
00:57:54Let's, uh, examine her.
00:57:56Get a grip on yourself, you dunlap.
00:58:00What's the matter with a little examination?
00:58:03She wouldn't even know about it.
00:58:05I suggest you return to your office,
00:58:08take some tranquilizers,
00:58:10and a cold, heat bath.
00:58:12Hmm?
00:58:14It's been a long time
00:58:16since I examined anyone.
00:58:18Good night, Mr. Administrator.
00:58:22Good night, Mr. Big-Time T-Slipper.
00:58:26Pleasant dreams, Mr. Moneybag.
00:58:28Same to you, Mr. Sawbones.
00:58:31Thank you, Mr. Fundraiser.
00:58:33Don't mention it, Mr. Bloodsucker.
00:58:36I won't, Mr. Capital Gains.
00:58:39Okay, Mr. Butcher.
00:58:42Up yours, Mr. Scheister.
00:58:45Scheister!
00:58:49I must have fainted.
00:58:51Yes.
00:58:53Now it's up to us to find out just exactly why you fainted.
00:58:56A stare, please.
00:58:59Yes, fainting is basically one of nature's warnings
00:59:02to us to watch our step.
00:59:04Breathe in.
00:59:09Turn, please.
00:59:12Yes.
00:59:14Could be on the threshold of one of a dozen highly dangerous diseases.
00:59:20You slip out of your thing, is it?
00:59:22What?
00:59:24Your things. Slip out of your things.
00:59:26Can't you understand plain English? I'm going to examine you.
00:59:29But there's nothing wrong with me.
00:59:31I don't think that's for you to say, is it?
00:59:33Your little girl, who's not even out of high school yet,
00:59:36and whose I.Q. is probably not...
00:59:39genius level.
00:59:41You're trying to out-diagnose a world-renowned surgeon
00:59:43who's attended eight institutions of higher education
00:59:46and who has more degrees than a thermometer.
00:59:48Well, all right.
00:59:51Of course it's all right.
01:00:01When were you examined last?
01:00:03At school a month ago.
01:00:05No, no, I mean by a physician.
01:00:07Yes.
01:00:09Did he tell you your entire lumbar region was out of line?
01:00:11No.
01:00:13It must have been a real quack.
01:00:18Well, it's not reoriented.
01:00:20By the time you're 42 years old, you'll look like a laundry bag.
01:00:27Turn around.
01:00:29Now, bend forward slowly.
01:00:32Ooh.
01:00:34I'll tell you when to say ooh.
01:00:36But, doctor, are you sure you know...
01:00:38Slowly, slowly.
01:00:40But, Dr. Crankhorn...
01:00:42This has got to stop.
01:00:45Come on, loosen up. Where's that old sense of humanity?
01:00:51Aah!
01:00:53Aah!
01:00:55Aah!
01:00:58Aah!
01:01:00This is not the patient.
01:01:02Of course not, Dumbo. That's his brother.
01:01:05He never did have much staying power.
01:01:11Who has taken the patient?
01:01:15Bullock!
01:01:17How many times must I tell you not to interrupt me
01:01:19when I'm performing an examination?
01:01:21You may be interested in knowing that...
01:01:23This examination is terminated.
01:01:25My God, she's at it again.
01:01:27Listen, honey, why don't you put a meter on it,
01:01:29and we'll all get rich.
01:01:31Well, I don't know about you people,
01:01:33but I have work to do.
01:01:35Out of my way, Bullock.
01:01:37Aah!
01:01:39Get back!
01:01:42Aah!
01:01:44Get out of my way.
01:01:46Stop following me around. Stop spying on me.
01:01:48I'm warning you, whoever you are...
01:01:58Hey, Doctor.
01:02:00Wait for me. I think we should have a little talk.
01:02:02Don't lie. Lying won't do you any good.
01:02:05Why should I lie?
01:02:07Listen, Tootsie, we all know who you're after.
01:02:09We all know what you've got in mind.
01:02:11Why does everyone think that...
01:02:12The doctor is not available, understand?
01:02:14Not available!
01:02:16So you can try to sell your stuff somewhere else.
01:02:18Because the doctor is already spoken for.
01:02:24And now...
01:02:26Come on.
01:02:28You'll hardly feel this.
01:02:30Aah!
01:02:40Ooh!
01:02:42Aah!
01:02:44Aah!
01:02:58I don't suppose you give a damn.
01:03:00But while you were getting your pulse taken,
01:03:02your critically injured daddy has wandered off into the night.
01:03:06Daddy.
01:03:08Daddy.
01:03:19Ladies, reveal!
01:03:31Hi. Hi, sweetheart.
01:03:33Hi, sweetheart. You're next.
01:03:38Grab her!
01:03:40Grab that girl!
01:03:42Grab that girl!
01:04:03Grab that girl!
01:04:05Grab that girl!
01:04:07Grab that girl!
01:04:09Grab that girl!
01:04:31The Giants are leading six to one.
01:04:35Can I have a Coke, please?
01:04:43Here we go.
01:04:47I'm afraid I don't have any money.
01:04:49You what? Huh?
01:04:51I can't pay for it.
01:04:53Hold it!
01:04:55Oh, thank you. My gosh, it's only a dime.
01:04:58If you give me the address, I'll be glad to pay for it.
01:05:00Oh, skip it.
01:05:01The big guy wants to see you.
01:05:03The big guy? Who is he?
01:05:05The big guy?
01:05:06Everyone knows who the big guy is.
01:05:08He's the big guy. Come on.
01:05:11Well, I'm always glad to meet new people.
01:05:15This is the big guy.
01:05:17I'm very pleased to meet you.
01:05:20Watch it!
01:05:21Let's see what else you got.
01:05:23What do you think you're doing?
01:05:25I mean, I know you bought me Coke and everything,
01:05:27but it doesn't mean you have any right to take deliveries.
01:05:31Did you hear what she said?
01:05:33Liberties.
01:05:34I show you liberties.
01:05:36No!
01:05:38No, wait a minute.
01:05:39Just because I'm from out of town...
01:05:40Shut up!
01:05:41You know what happens to you if you're not nice?
01:05:43What?
01:05:44You're going to have a little accident.
01:05:46We're going to drive a nail through your foot.
01:05:48And then we're going to set your hair afire.
01:05:51That's what's going to happen to little girls in this town who ain't nice.
01:05:54Oh, my gosh.
01:05:56And they call this a fun city?
01:05:58Fantastic!
01:05:59That's it, that's it.
01:06:01It's perfect!
01:06:02No!
01:06:03We don't want no picture!
01:06:04No!
01:06:05We don't want no picture!
01:06:06It's perfect!
01:06:07Don't stop!
01:06:09That's great!
01:06:10Great!
01:06:13I filmed the door in the wall.
01:06:15And now, here I'm looking at the door in the wall.
01:06:18Here are my eyes, staring one at a time.
01:06:21The left one.
01:06:23Now the right one.
01:06:24My mouth.
01:06:26Feet.
01:06:27Gums.
01:06:28Lips.
01:06:29Everything.
01:06:30And my throat.
01:06:32Excuse me.
01:06:34And now you.
01:06:36Do it.
01:06:37Do it!
01:06:38Do what?
01:06:39Again.
01:06:40Cut!
01:06:43G3?
01:06:44Yeah.
01:06:45What does it mean?
01:06:46It's me, G3.
01:06:47G-cubed.
01:06:48G-G-G.
01:06:49John Giovanni Gemini.
01:06:50That's your name?
01:06:52You're not familiar with it?
01:06:53I have only been in New York a day and...
01:06:54You never seen my films?
01:06:56Well, no.
01:06:57Wait a minute.
01:06:58I want to get your answer.
01:06:59Again, again!
01:07:00No.
01:07:01Cut!
01:07:02Good.
01:07:03I have now filmed 112 people saying the word no.
01:07:06Why?
01:07:07Because it's all part of life.
01:07:09Part of being and seeing and understanding.
01:07:11But has anyone seen this film?
01:07:13No.
01:07:14113.
01:07:17Did you ever hear of gumbo?
01:07:18What?
01:07:19Gumbo.
01:07:20I shot it last year.
01:07:22In color and black and white.
01:07:24Two hours of soup.
01:07:27Beans, rice, lentils, carrots.
01:07:31The essence, the spirit.
01:07:33Very soupness of soup.
01:07:36Got him.
01:07:38Man going out of a door.
01:07:40And now we are going to do you.
01:07:43Come on.
01:07:44But where are we going?
01:07:45I have an idea.
01:07:49I don't understand what you want me to do.
01:07:52I want you to be yourself.
01:07:54Listen.
01:07:56I want you to be part of all human experience.
01:07:59Buildings, clouds, trombones, garbage.
01:08:03Listen to me.
01:08:05I've been looking for you.
01:08:06You are my next film.
01:08:08Stick with me and you will be as famous as...
01:08:11What's her name?
01:08:13Elizabeth Taylor.
01:08:14Who?
01:08:15No.
01:08:16Now we start.
01:08:17Go.
01:08:20But I don't know anything about acting.
01:08:23Neither does the Grand Canyon.
01:08:25But that doesn't keep anyone from looking at it.
01:08:27Don't move.
01:08:28Fantastic.
01:08:30Girl sitting down on the job.
01:08:33And now I want to see those paws.
01:08:37Like this.
01:08:39That's it.
01:08:40Good.
01:08:44And now, now I need your pupils.
01:08:49Where are they?
01:08:51Where are they for crying out loud?
01:08:54Watch out for the guy.
01:08:55He's got a camera.
01:09:00That's perfect.
01:09:01Perfect.
01:09:02I'm getting arms and legs.
01:09:05The whole thing.
01:09:06And now let's see some trombones.
01:09:11You see?
01:09:12Beautiful.
01:09:13You are sexy.
01:09:16That's like an infraction to me, Sarge.
01:09:18What about it?
01:09:19And now I want the front.
01:09:21Give me some front.
01:09:23Don't move.
01:09:24Is that an infraction or not?
01:09:29Locked door.
01:09:30Get ready to beat someone to a pulp.
01:09:33Whatever these people are doing, it has got to stop.
01:09:35This is the law talking.
01:09:38Give me time.
01:09:39That's a definite infraction.
01:09:41Should we break it down?
01:09:43Yeah.
01:09:45Perfect.
01:09:46We cops, that's the first for cinema reality.
01:09:49Keep coming.
01:09:50Keep coming.
01:09:53You pulled your last men's room job, mister.
01:09:55What are we, Pokemon, Sarge?
01:09:57Making a film without a permit?
01:10:01Using the men's room as a place of business?
01:10:04And a proper flood control procedure.
01:10:06Where'd the girl go?
01:10:07I don't know.
01:10:08I don't know.
01:10:09I don't know.
01:10:10I don't know.
01:10:11I don't know.
01:10:12Flood control procedure.
01:10:13Where'd the girl go?
01:10:17Did you see what happened to the girl in the blue dress?
01:10:19Who directed it?
01:10:26Man passing out.
01:10:42Man passing out.
01:11:12Hello.
01:11:24You got money?
01:11:25No, I'm sorry.
01:11:27I'll pay what you want to if you give me something.
01:11:35But I don't have anything to give you.
01:11:37You give me rub dub dub?
01:11:38What?
01:11:40You come.
01:11:41We make money, and then rub-a-dub-dub!
01:11:50You don't want rub-a-dub-dub?
01:11:51I just wanna get some dry clothes and...
01:11:53We get dry clothes, and then rub-a-dub-dub!
01:12:12You know cum?
01:12:13I don't know.
01:12:14It's because of this?
01:12:15No, really, it isn't.
01:12:17It's always because of this.
01:12:23Oh, the poor thing.
01:12:25He mustn't think that.
01:12:41This is where you live?
01:13:12I guess music is just one of your hobbies.
01:13:15Can you play something for me while I dry out?
01:13:42Are you sure you know what you're doing?
01:13:54What beautiful taste you have.
01:14:12Ah!
01:14:16Ah!
01:14:17Let's go upstairs.
01:14:43Okay
01:14:50What's this where is he
01:14:54Where's the boss what's going on here? What kind of keeper is it and where do you fit in huh?
01:15:00Sure boss. We'll get it together
01:15:02Your friends are here
01:15:14All right, let's get down to work
01:15:16Yeah, during first didn't say it's cash valuable papers and documents post impressionist and pop. I'll skip that it's okay. Let's go
01:15:44Yeah, what I can't quite understand you what do you want
01:15:52I
01:16:12Appreciate your hospitality because of this no, it's nothing
01:16:22It's like having bad posture
01:16:40It's always because of this
01:16:52I
01:17:22Hate to say it, but it looks like
01:17:52It's a 507 let's get ready to break some heads
01:18:10Sarge what are these?
01:18:12These instruments are the calling card of a little guy a little guy the most dangerous humpback in modern crime
01:18:18I'll give you three seconds to throw down those weapons and cover that Steinway
01:18:49Just
01:18:52Just one of those old stereo realist trick Sarge we'll get him. Yeah, he never did tell me his name
01:19:00Gosh if I ever see him again, I hope I recognize him
01:19:09Hey, hold it down back there, I'll personally break some bones. What are they doing Sarge?
01:19:13I don't know, but whatever it is, there's a law against it
01:19:16Can I look now stick me a driving where to the station? Yeah, find me a nice vacant lot somewhere
01:19:22I want to work these creeps over. I want to watch some flesh, but we haven't done anything wrong. Listen, I don't know what your game is
01:19:30I don't know just what you and your mob are up to but I'll tell you this
01:19:34For this night's over. You wish you'd never set foot in my precinct
01:19:37But I never saw these people
01:19:40Anything you say will be held against you
01:19:43Held against you understand
01:19:46I'd like to hold something against it. You stick to the road
01:19:53But he could see weapons, of course not carry any dope any goofballs any speed marijuana
01:20:00Should I believe you you little lump of per vision?
01:20:05Get your hands on that dashboard
01:20:07What are you gonna do?
01:20:09You're gonna get frisked lady
01:20:11Like you've never been frisked before
01:20:17Frisky Sarge
01:20:20Frisky
01:20:28And now we present for your pleasure
01:20:34coming from nowhere
01:20:37the magician
01:20:46I
01:21:16I
01:21:46I
01:22:16Yes, yes
01:22:46I
01:23:16I
01:23:47I
01:24:02Stop
01:24:04You have failed to remove your shoes. Oh, I'm sorry
01:24:07I thought maybe this sanctum is beyond the reach of material concerns
01:24:11It is a holy place the light is holy the walls are holy this water is holy these hands are holy
01:24:17I see you not put your material shoes on the holy water. What should I do with them throw them into the material world?
01:24:25But they're my only shoes throw them
01:24:37Give me those material corruptions
01:24:41Oh
01:24:47Yeah
01:25:04You will not need them here you will have no further need for material concerns
01:25:08You will be able to divest yourself of all material things
01:25:11Come forward
01:25:19What is your name candy candy, how do you spell it see Andy why
01:25:28Telling me the truth be careful. Well, of course I am my name is wait. Wait, do not say it again
01:25:32It is a holy name
01:25:34There's one of the unspoken. I don't understand
01:25:38listen
01:25:40See a Andy why five letters five the magic number
01:25:45five the Holy Pentagram
01:25:48The first letter of your name is C
01:25:51See the sign of the Eagle Tower the immutable symbol of masculine force
01:25:56the last letter of your name
01:25:58Why the sign of the Yoni?
01:26:01the all-pervading female
01:26:04and the middle is
01:26:06Andy see
01:26:10Now do you understand I'm not sure I wait do not speak to not move those for the proof
01:26:27Oh my gosh, I thought yes, you thought my life suspended me. Yeah
01:26:32Yes, my plastic seat appearances they always deceive but to be truly suspended in air is a cheap trick
01:26:41In my country, they sell such deceitfulness in the neighborhood joke stores
01:26:45How to climb a rope and disappear how to walk across a bed of burning coal?
01:26:50How to fool around with poisonous snakes? These are game for children
01:26:55Can you do all those things my dear?
01:26:58These are game for children
01:26:59Can you do all those things my dear innocent girl?
01:27:04But the time I was nine years old I could I could do things that would shape the foundations of your naive Western beliefs. I
01:27:12Could huge weights with my tongue. Oh, I
01:27:18Could see through seven layers of zinc
01:27:20And I do not like to brag
01:27:23but
01:27:28I could converse with vegetables. Oh, that's wonderful
01:27:33No, these things are nothing
01:27:35There is one grain of sand is compared to the great mountain that guards the Camond and the pass
01:27:41Compared to what we are about to do
01:27:44together
01:27:45Together. Oh, yes
01:27:48Together we shall ascend the trail of true selfishness
01:27:52Selfless up up past the valley of material concerns past the rocky cliffs of negative sensation
01:28:00climbing struggling
01:28:03Until we have attained
01:28:05the void
01:28:07boy
01:28:08beyond time
01:28:10beyond space
01:28:12beyond self
01:28:14the void
01:28:16Pure energy and light
01:28:22Gosh
01:28:25Gosh isn't the half of it. Oh, how do we start?
01:28:30First I may teach you how to breathe
01:28:33Yes, and you'll love the American simplicity you're thinking perhaps that you already know how to breathe
01:28:39But let me tell you this you only know one method of breathing in and out
01:28:46Can you deny no I can in and out there's only one of a thousand ways of breathing
01:28:52There's also back and forth this up and down. There's breathing like the camel. There's breathing like the grass you mean like photosynthesis
01:29:01What you know the carbon cycle plant? No, no stop where you must forget about these things
01:29:07You must trust them from your mind. You must leave science behind. It is corrupt
01:29:12Leave behind your pathetic high school jargon
01:29:15leave behind formulas and theorems and leave behind
01:29:20prefabricated houses and chewing gum and hairspray and credit cards and Wall Street and
01:29:25Right now I beg your pardon. Why don't we're going to begin to breathe?
01:29:46Wow, that's beautiful. Thank you
01:29:55Wait when I came in here what a minute ago it was morning, you know
01:30:00Midnight. Well, what have you done to me to you? Nothing, but to time
01:30:0620
01:30:10Now
01:30:12We must find that place right on which we call the center of all breath my lungs
01:30:18Oh, no, it is not that simple
01:30:20It is a place
01:30:22Where the immutable self resides?
01:30:24We must search
01:30:27No
01:30:28Could it be here?
01:30:31No, I do not think so
01:30:34Perhaps it was here. No wrong again
01:30:42No
01:30:46Well here
01:30:48No, I think I mean it seems to me couldn't be there. I think it is
01:30:53So soon he found it so soon
01:30:56It must be a sign. I hate to disagree, but lie down. Who's the guru here you or me?
01:31:12More bathing. No, that is the first stage we must move beyond that. How many stages are they?
01:31:18Seven. Oh, the first is a sense of cosmic rhythm
01:31:22Minute. No way. We can't wait my buttons
01:31:26Your buttons as you call them. These are only a reflection of that secret self, which you're leaving behind you. They're meaningless
01:31:33They're corrupt without them. You'll be able to move forward to stage
01:31:36Without them you'll be able to move forward to stage
01:31:41And five and six and finally the ultimate
01:31:47Good now we must prepare to embark on stage two
01:31:54Bodies essential worthlessness
01:32:04And this
01:32:06Yes
01:32:16And now for stage
01:32:20Now stay tuned
01:32:36Oh, I don't think I can breathe like this much longer have patience
01:32:41The way is difficult, but it's worth the effort
01:32:43Oh, yeah, they say in my country that the centipede has a thousand legs, but he cannot tap dance
01:32:49I don't quite see the connection
01:32:51Well, it loses a little something in the translation
01:33:06I
01:33:09Wonder where we are
01:33:12It does not matter
01:33:14Space is an illusion
01:33:16It curves back on itself like an artichoke. Oh, I sure would like an artichoke right now. I'm starving
01:33:22Is that all you can think about?
01:33:25Your body and its pitiful desires
01:33:27I can't help it. I'm so hungry. We must travel beyond thirst beyond hunger
01:33:37To the legend the pig and the flower
01:33:50What legend of the pig and the flower legend of the pig and the flower was a very beautiful story told by my people in
01:33:57song and dance
01:33:59Then the pig came upon the bush
01:34:02And down the bush he saw a flower growing a very large purple flower the only one for miles around
01:34:10And then the pig fell deeply in love with the flower
01:34:14And then the pig confessed his love
01:34:17And then the flower said to the pig
01:34:19You're a pig
01:34:21And you're extremely dirty even for a pig
01:34:25Then the pig began to weep and the flower took pity on the filthy animal and he said
01:34:32I will love you when you are clean
01:34:35And the pig's heart swelled with joy and he went down to the river to wash himself
01:34:41And he stepped into the water
01:34:44And he got eaten by a crocodile
01:34:51But what does the story mean you got me
01:35:01Foreign
01:35:08What stage are we in now
01:35:11Stage three. What is it called the condition of the positive non-self?
01:35:16You know so far it's awfully hard for me to tell one stage from another
01:35:28I think we better stop now
01:35:31Oh, look, it's snowing
01:35:34I really like to take a break
01:35:37You don't mind. It looks like floating stars
01:35:41Look, look if you just uh, is anything wrong?
01:35:44No, no, it's just that
01:35:49You're catching a cold no, that's impossible
01:35:52No
01:35:54mortal flesh means nothing
01:35:56in the midst of the realization
01:35:58of the limitless vortex vortex
01:36:02stage five
01:36:04What happened to stage four
01:36:07Skipped it. What can we do that? I mean, don't we have to follow the age-old eternal immutable pattern?
01:36:16Yeah, but i'm a reformed mystic
01:36:22Foreign
01:36:35Listen
01:36:38This is getting serious
01:36:40Don't you have a thermometer or anything?
01:36:43Have you learned nothing our bodies no longer exist?
01:36:47We're at the threshold of the final stage
01:36:50The injection of the
01:36:53Of the universal spirit, but that's only stage six. What about the seventh stage? What about the void?
01:37:03I can only take you to the edge of the void a teacher wiser than myself
01:37:10Will have to take you the rest of the journey
01:37:13How will I know him?
01:37:14By the sacred bird what sacred bird?
01:37:17Oh
01:37:19Any sacred bird? Oh, hey the doors open
01:37:47So
01:38:17So
01:38:39Please
01:38:47Check the back i'll talk to the driver
01:38:50You got any fruit flowers plants firearms liquor or parakeets?
01:38:54What?
01:38:56What's that fruit or a plant?
01:38:59Hey george, you can't bring a frozen guru into california
01:39:17Foreign
01:39:48So
01:39:50So
01:40:14Charlie charlie, get me out of here. Will you?
01:40:17Hey
01:40:19Charlie you all right. I'm losing all my change. Get me out of this mess
01:40:46Sacred bird
01:41:16So
01:41:47So
01:42:05Are you the one who will take me to the void
01:42:16So
01:42:47So
01:43:11She don't give
01:43:16She hates to see me cry
01:43:20Is
01:43:45She's a woman that loves a man she's a woman
01:43:49Can understand
01:44:00Come on
01:44:19Hey
01:44:49She's a woman that loves a man she's a woman
01:45:20She's a woman
01:45:38She's a woman
01:45:49Me
01:46:19So
01:46:49So
01:47:19So
01:47:49So
01:48:19So
01:48:49So
01:49:19So
01:49:49So
01:50:19So
01:50:44Do you know where the heaven is
01:50:49Because your friends already went too far