• 2 months ago
Taskmaster UK S18E01 (2024)

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Transcript
00:00I
00:16Don't use this
00:31Oh
00:35Thank you, I'm Greg Davis welcome to taskmaster
00:39Dad is back and he's got five naughty children who need to sit on the naughty step
00:43Let's hope they behave themselves and do well in the task because Papa has big slippers that a hair triggers banking arm
00:51Oh
00:58Here we go, please welcome our five formidable fighters they are
01:01And his answer
01:19Sitting next to me a man who secretly confessed to me that he finds all women's sport slow boring and undignified
01:32I
01:35Thought we should go mad in the beginning and have a game of charades
01:38Yeah, yeah for that. Yep. Okay. Here we go. This is the only one. Oh look
01:43Hmm
01:44Okay, kind of beans. Yeah all up. There's Jack D
01:48But also watch this
01:53What is it
01:57They can say anything at all
02:02What Jack and the beans talk
02:11Right first price task of a series, what's the category Alex?
02:14I was shocked when he told me at Greg because it's the best thing that has been inside you
02:22My mom's watching this and I've been inside her
02:25Five
02:27Points for the thing he thinks is best and at the end of the episode the overall winner will take home something that has been
02:32Inside each of the four people. They've been sitting next to and themselves yummy in my tummy your turn Andy Saltzman
02:39Yes. Yes. What have you brought that's been inside you?
02:43Well, the best thing that's been inside me Greg is my lung
02:47Andy's lung
02:50Oh
02:52Winner's gonna take home, but that's not Andy's lung is it because otherwise Andy would be dead
02:57Well, it's just gives me a great incentive to win this show. So I get them back at the end
03:03Have you had those lungs inside you? Yes, I have you have not
03:09You don't like it I don't like them no, they don't work within the limits of the task and they make me feel sick
03:16But what thing have you brought in that I might like that you've had inside you I bought something that you will definitely like it is
03:24Jamaican
03:25Oxtail, it's beautiful. I'm Nigerian, but I love Jamaican food. So that's what I brought and this is
03:31Some oxtail stew here. I'm not gonna lie
03:35That looks disgusting
03:38But I'm telling you it tastes delicious, you know, I'm saying has that been inside you yes same batch same batch
03:44I mean the idea of this that you bring slightly surprising things in Baba. You've just brought in the thing that you like to eat. Yes
03:52But it looks delicious apart from the sticks that have been thrown on
03:58What have you brought in that you might have had inside yourself or you have had inside so because it's the best thing that's been
04:05Inside you right? Yes, I have brought in my ex as
04:10represented by a USB stick
04:14I
04:18Loaded a huge amount of material about his life. It's a bloke and
04:24He is just a legend. It's the actual legend. Yeah. No, he's not an actual way. He's not King Arthur
04:37And as a boyfriend what was his best quality just like nice to be around he dumped me
04:45Do you check you safely
04:54Hello Jack, hello, you're right. Yes very well. Thank you Greg. Okay
05:00What have you had inside you I've brought in my well one of my favorite toothbrushes
05:06which I had I used I liked it so much I used it for several years and
05:12Thank you. Yeah
05:14This one in 2012 and I used it until 2022 or something. Here it is
05:27It did this color in the end when we told Jack about the competition
05:31You told him to bring it was to bring in a good prize, right?
05:34Not not to just clear out the shit from his garage
05:37But Jones, what have you had inside you that you deemed appropriate to bring on the show?
05:44Oh
05:46So I have recently
05:50Started living on my own and I know but I am
05:58naked the whole time
06:02That means I get a lot of food on my body
06:08Audit
06:15Recently found out that there's been a smell
06:23coming from my
06:25belly
06:30The finger won't get
06:38I
06:42Can't even really do
06:46And I should work to God
06:49last week I
06:51caught a
06:54little bit of
06:56umbilical
07:00How deep's your bellybutton
07:09I
07:11Thought in the world it's Baba or Andy isn't it? Let's face it. Okay, so we're gonna give Zaltzman in his horrible lungs one point
07:17Okay, one time but two two to Baba
07:19Yeah
07:19Incredibly getting three points is a man who lazily grabbed an old toothbrush on his way
07:27You know, it's such an appalling image we'll give Rosie Jones five points on this
07:31There we go
07:35It's a very strong start right task one, let's get going. Okay, here we go, bro and hush your sweet sweet mouth
08:01I
08:05Sit here. Sorry. Yeah just in front of Greg
08:14Well, I Greg very serious well, it's just small more I'm not gonna lie to you bro
08:25Do not say any of this house
08:31I
09:01Do you want to explain this task a little bit not yet. Oh
09:19All right, who are we gonna see first we're gonna start with the guy people are already calling Andy Zaltzman
09:31Oh
10:01Query I've stopped the clock could have gone with quesadilla. That's an opportunity missed
10:20At what point during the filming process for this show Andy did you regret wearing full cricket whites
10:26I've never been in a situation in life where I haven't thought this would be better if I was in cricket whites
10:33So I'm no regrets. No, all right. Good. That's encouraging. Do you ever regret sitting in a big throne like that?
10:39No, it's not made the rest of your life seem mundane
10:46I mean, I suppose now you've said it. Yeah, I need it very well. He managed to succeed in seven minutes 54
10:55Two more attempts now and a little bit more explanation from Bubba and Rosie
11:02Stare at camera number one for at least 30 seconds without smiling
11:06Eat an imaginary fly that has just landed on
11:36Look under the six 56 letters of this task
12:00You haven't quite finished the task
12:31I'm not that's it
12:35No, no, I'm still no, that's it. No, that's it
12:51Say a word beginning with Q
12:53But
12:55The time started with you stared at the camera. Oh, yeah quiet. I'll stop the clock. That's it. That's it
13:04Let's see my name one. Yeah
13:12I'm so happy
13:14To
13:21See or misdirection
13:22It's the sort of thing this little nerd loves to do
13:25How does it make you feel as a contestant at the time? I was like who's coming up with this nonsense
13:30You know I'm saying like yeah. Yeah, I messed up. You've come to the right show to mess up
13:36Rosie I miss what you said your Achilles heel was is it not laughing like a town crier?
13:44I've always got to smile
13:47Come on, I don't smile
13:51people
13:53think I'm dead
13:59Right, that's the end of part one. See you soon
14:14To the first episode of this new series where we've begun with a silent task
14:19Keep it down big mouth. Yes, some might be more silent than others, but there's two people left to see Emma City and Jack D
14:31Attempted to smile at all Jack
14:44I
14:55You're getting the fourth letter I
15:05Said that's my count now. No, and I think it's gonna matter. It's gonna matter. Yeah
15:11Quick, let's talk the clock
15:14What have you come up with I mean the first one?
15:16I thought I came up with seal did you and I thought that's got a nautical feel to it. That does sound relevant. Yeah
15:23Look under the letters. Well, yeah
15:28It's not seal well, I think it might be saying you think it might be sealed. Yeah, so I look okay
15:33So then I find a seal and look underneath
15:36That's a walrus. It's a shark. There's a seal sea lion really spitting hairs. Oh, okay
15:43About this seal
15:46Okay, there was something written there
15:49But it still come off. Yeah, you ripped it quite hard. I don't rip it quite hard
15:53What are you talking about? You were very rough with them blame me for shoddy props. I'll just can't see if we've got another one
16:00Thanks
16:06I'll set it on fire
16:09And that's pretty good faster
16:13Fastest good as new. Is there another one coming? Yeah. Yes. We're just really sticking it down. So don't slip
16:21What's the point of that? That's what's caused all this
16:32This is me being patient, yeah, maybe this is how you should on the first one
16:38I
16:46Mean first things first, let's start with the positives. Am I sure pretty efficient?
16:51Well, yeah, I would I would argue boringly efficient. You looked under a seat. There was a bit of fun that
16:57I'll tell you something else. Yeah, no one winks anymore
17:01And you did a lovely bawdy wink after it. I didn't mean it to be bawdy. I'm all meant like, you know
17:06We're all in this together. I didn't mean sexually
17:15Well, okay full disclosure within a couple of minutes I could see what was going on here I thought oh
17:22Dear they've come up with a tough task. Oh, yeah, and to get some mileage out of it
17:27I'm gonna have to find some stuff here. I
17:31Should probably cross out what I wrote then. Um, what did you write?
17:34Well, I say this is a man of a similar vintage, but I wrote this all feels a bit granddad's not settled into his home
17:45I said the word quick after three minutes 58 Jack said the word quick after 41 seconds and 30 minutes
17:57So I want to show you one more one more little extra bit of Jack we must do yeah this tickle me
18:01This is Jack earlier on in the task
18:05I mean, it's not my fault. This is probably quite boring to watch. Oh, it's not boring. Okay
18:12It's the first word beginning with Q that anyone said he said it after three minutes 32 seconds
18:17So a bit quicker than Emma in the end
18:22Even I say that's unfair, but I'll take it
18:29Sometimes the game can be cruel Emma. Yeah
18:35So Baba was the slowest in the end 17 minutes 59 one point Baba then Rosie gets two points
18:41And he was the third slowest three points Emma gets four points, but Jack D wins the task and five points
18:52All right, well there are joint leaders at this stage it is Jack and Emma on eight points here they are
18:58Yes, and we're off to a theme park
19:18Are you standing like that bro, it's quite windy. I've got a really bad feeling about this
19:23Are you standing like that bro, it's quite windy. I've got a really bad feeling about this
19:29Have you been on any of the rides? No, I haven't because
19:33It's closed
19:43You must throw all five balls
19:47And pull one rope nice and hard
19:52You must stay on the spot at all times and you may not move the spot
19:59Closest to 100 cans wins your time starts now
20:09All right, we're gonna begin with one man he's dressed as a sportsman but can he sportsman it's Andy Zoltz man
20:17Exactly a hundred cans. How many cans are there? I reckon there's 200 can 200 cans, right?
20:32I think that's 70 cans down
20:36This is your sport
20:38Pressure is on here. Okay
20:40All right, I was hoping to get all them down in one go
20:49I'd say that was unlucky
20:56No
20:59Oh
21:10We've opened it I'm running out of balls
21:29I was doing very well there. I'm very nearly stopped. That's the most disappointed I've been in a long time
21:47And then well what I think is the Zoltzman equivalent of anarchy happened
21:51Yeah, that being you angrily throw your yoga ball to the left
21:56You know, what else you do with yoga balls I never really seen what they're for apart from hurling in a fit of rage
22:05There's some good news you miscounted at the beginning you thought there were 200 cans there there were actually 160 cans
22:11All right, you knocked over 104 cans
22:18Because I'm supposed to be good with numbers
22:22Yeah, yeah, there's no pleasing some people
22:26Good start who's next now? It's time for some classic R&B Rosie and Bubba
22:36Okay
22:55I
22:59Am very high on the sex
23:02Throwing in school
23:04Comedian I didn't do javelin
23:25Oh
23:40Keep falling just keep falling wait, I'm not done yet. I got this in it
23:47Oh
23:55If I keep going higher let's go low
24:02All right, big up big up later
24:04I
24:17Thought to count the cans before you started throwing yeah, let's go go for it
24:22You want me to stand there and be like one two three. I'm doing all of that
24:26No, I understand that school you got out of most subjects by telling you were a comedian
24:31I'm not doing math. So I'm a comedian. That's it. He didn't learn throwing at school. He's a comedian
24:39Rosie there's some awful heartbreaking moments for you. I've never seen the phrase. Yeah, baby so close to the phrase
25:01Oh
25:04Winky's not in that you knocked over 47 cans Rosie Wow compared to Bubba's 32
25:15Right, we'll each have another break it's a chance for Alex to count all of his friends. Welcome back to
25:30Oh
25:35You join us for the third part of the show and some more throwing at the theme park
25:40Yes, these adults are trying to knock some cans over with some balls. And finally, uh-oh. It's Jack and Emma grouped together again
25:49Okay, so how many cans are there 17?
25:5321 so that's gonna be
25:56Yeah, I
25:59Can't be bothered
26:0140
26:0340 40 times 4 is 160 cans. There's a hundred and sixty there
26:15You just came into the ball so they try and just get
26:29My dad played rugby for England
26:37But she just come to daddy
26:50This one's pointless, but we'll try anyway
26:59How do you summon skills that you don't have it's actually so difficult
27:16So
27:20That's a disappointment, yeah
27:23might be able to use this if I can hook them over and
27:26Then
27:56What I've written down is the juxtaposition of the sentence my dad's played rugby for England and
28:03The throws that we witnessed following that sentence sounds melodramatic. I think it might destroy your family
28:12In the series to say I don't have
28:15I
28:22She did not go over more than Bubba she knocked over 36, which is good Jack
28:27You've made a career out of not looking very happy. I've got a theory secretly you were loving that a panic cathartic, I suppose
28:35I would do that again. Actually, I wouldn't mind. Yeah, how many cans got knocked out at least they bothered to count. Yes
28:41Well, I can tell you we know Bubba was 32 Emma 36 Rosie 47 Jack 68
28:47I
28:55Don't want to show you one extra replay though. Do you mind? Yeah. Okay. Here we go
29:09Nice pop of the leg, sir
29:12That means that Andy doesn't get any points
29:14Oh
29:16Bubba goes up to two points three to Emma four to Rosie and Jack wins a task and five points
29:26Play me another task just for you some stunning soapy spheres
29:44Hi Jack, hi, right? Yes pop into the bubble
30:14You
30:24Have 20 minutes
30:25Your time starts when you haven't said a word beginning with B for five seconds, right?
30:31So I've got if I want to buy time, I've got to keep babbling on babbler sleep
30:36The time started now Jack your time has now started your time has started
30:40I've had to say a word like that in the time your time has started. It's just now
30:45Yes, because you didn't say a word beginning with B for five seconds
30:51Not in sir
30:53To get some soap and make some bubbles. Come on
30:57Can I get naked?
31:01That is beautiful
31:04You
31:09Announced that you were gonna make bubbles in this the bubble task as if you'd had a great idea
31:20Could I do it for the children like if I don't buy like bubble solution war like, you know
31:25The one that you can just buy if I'll do it by myself and you'll play on your own with bubbles
31:30No for my children, oh you said you do on your own sometimes
31:33I like make the bubbles. You've got to make the bubble solution and I put it now how to make bubbles
31:42Clearly ain't I just want to establish whether you play with bubbles on your own. No, I don't play with bubbles on my own, bro
31:48What a comedian
31:50I
31:55Get the first two we're gonna see Jack D and bubble Tunday. Here we go
32:01Are you into any particular types of bubbles Jack? Well champagne, I like like a bit of champagne. We've got champagne where
32:12Right, I'm a draw my daughter
32:14She's two months and she's so beautiful bring it to me. You want me to bring you champagne?
32:19Yeah, and some glasses. This are arms
32:22We'll do like legs. Oh
32:25she is beautiful
32:28Vegan non-alcoholic. Yeah. Is there any other way you can take fun out of champagne?
32:36You've got real chocolate get yourself some penguin once dark chocolate like come on man, I'm not a psychopath
32:42You know I'm saying I'd like you Alex to pass this round to the crew so that they all have some
32:48Beautiful thing Jack. Yeah, I think thank you. You've said it. Let's get some flowers. I mean
32:56Should we keep one for Greg? That's a good idea. Which one do you think you'd want probably at the point with me?
33:01Ready for this my guy. I'm ready
33:06It's my match is my match
33:11To everyone, thank you for having me here and looking after me so nicely
33:18Thank you, enjoy this drink with me and I wish you peace and happiness and
33:28Strong with him
33:37Peace and happiness and hope all your dreams come true. What a beautiful toast. Thank you
33:48Yeah, bring enjoy to your heart
34:01How lovely that you involved a crew I mean that yeah, we don't you know, they work very hard on the show
34:07I know I know and they never get anything as they were saying to me earlier
34:11They don't you know, why why because Alex, you know, he calls them behind their back
34:16Calls them the faceless facilitators of his genius
34:22It was nice to see them briefly happy and when I left they just said Jack, thank you
34:26I'm gonna own it. Yes. I was I was pleased with it because you know honoring my new baby girl. And yeah, that was genuinely sweet
34:44Can we have a look at the painting of his daughter?
34:47Is it his beautiful 11 week old daughter issues? I
34:50I
34:52Think I've ripped this up afterwards because I'm ashamed I can actually draw you can actually I can actually do I'm a good drawer
34:59Well, you didn't you didn't do artists. All right
35:06Just you know, he said the word bang every time he drew a thing he also said that his sperm and genes and DNA were
35:12elite
35:14You should see my son and daughter I'm telling you man, they're gorgeous when my daughter was born the whole hospital
35:20All my days. She's so good. They're really ill people
35:25Well, it's time for mr. Steps off the spot himself, it's Andy's off
35:35Beauty and the bubble I
35:39Am bubble am I beautiful tell me what is beauty I
35:47Have dreams of what a sphere can become
35:51But I know change changes change
35:54And the world becomes new again
35:57We create we destroy we are destroyed. We were created
36:03Life isn't unexpected
36:07Try the orange
36:10Well, I know as a bubble things never stays the same things never change
36:16We are all bubbles bubbles doomed to die
36:21But our beauty lives forever
36:25What the camera for fuck's sake?
36:27Go on
36:29for fam
36:30For the taskmaster. It's a pity. I mean Alex
36:46Don't actually have anything negative to say we are all bubbles waiting to burst. Yeah
36:51Well, it's exploration of the sort of fragility that this show too often shies away from and yes, it was excellent
36:58Thank you time for the final break of the night
37:01Who will not only win the episode but also take home a lung and Jack D's ranted old toothbrush. What an adrenaline rush
37:08I feel like I'm tripping in Woodstock, man
37:11See you soon
37:17You
37:25Part of this new series who's next in line to do something beautiful with bubbles Alex or a top-notch question Greg and a lovely voice
37:33It's Rosie and Siddy Jones and Emma
37:36Oh
38:00Greg Oh
38:02Greg I am doing the most beautiful thing with bubbles
38:07beautiful, babe having a bubble birth I
38:13Am here to grant your
38:18free
38:20wishes
38:21But don't tell me that
38:25Cuz I know them already
38:36I
38:47You want
38:55You like
39:06How much more more more
39:21You want the bubblegum dance
39:36I
39:40Can't blow bubbles on us so much
39:51And now I leave
39:57Drop
39:59I
40:05Think what we have to the three of us have to talk about is your understanding of the word beautiful
40:17Do you
40:22Not be more beautiful in life then than the bubblegum fairy
40:29Yeah
40:36Well, I'm not going to comment on your personal beauty because I'm looking only at the character
40:43Personally I found the bubblegum fairy to be quite irritating
40:52Let's talk about your beauty. Yes when you started
40:56Erotically eating the chocolate. I think you just looked hammered
41:05I'm very flattered to be offered a bath with a lady, but I would prefer if she hadn't been out for 12
41:14Yes, and I'm the beholder
41:17I do
41:25What Emma all the bubblegum
41:30Hundred times over
41:41Go anyway, well, who do you think's gonna get one point?
41:47I
41:50Mean it's the chocolate
41:52Woman of nondescript nationality hadn't been so drunk. She might have got more than two points to do Emma
41:58Got it
41:59I think the sentiment of sharing bubbles with a largely ignored and often much derided crew
42:07With him it is quite beautiful and deserves three points three points for Jack. Got it
42:12Baba's beautiful daughter four points. Oh got it. We must recognize artistic genius when we see it and Andy gets five
42:22Please make your way to the stage for your first final task of the show
42:34Who's losing a test case Emma is going to read the time is she I hope you'll include a wink in this read
42:42Excuse me
42:47Drink the vinegar
42:50On your turn you can either drink from one straw or not drink at all and get a clue from Alex instead
42:57You must stand on the spot when choosing your straw and you must never stray from the spot
43:05Drinker wins there's five points at stake here. No one else will get any points at all. Wow
43:10They can choose to either
43:12Tell me which number they're gonna drink from and then drink from it
43:14Yep, or they can get a clue from me the clue refers to the numbers in front of the straws up you come Rosie
43:27Drink or get a clue
43:32Okay, which number you're gonna drink from hey off you go down
43:40Boy
43:51Have you drunk vinegar
43:57Okay, great fish. Hey, yes, it is a bit fishy. It's tomato juice
44:06Let's try a clue, okay
44:10You're
44:15Such a weird
44:18You must now return to your spot
44:34I'm go for a drink. Here we go. What number are you gonna 16 16 Wow confident?
44:40I'm not I don't like this
44:49Is it vinegar no, I ain't vinegar, but I don't know that's all right. It's iced tea
45:03I appreciate that clue or suck
45:10Clue please Alex. Oh, here it comes. I'm nearly there. Here I am
45:15So all this
45:19Let me seductively get out of the way for you
45:27Okay
45:30I'm gonna shock
45:33But I'm also gonna try and get show
45:39Oh, I think it's a prime number I do like them
45:5217 okay
46:08We'll have those five points come down here. Let's see how that affects the final score
46:23So you get me you just guessed it I thought the clue was a
46:28Prime number why cause Alex is so boring. Yeah
46:34Yeah, it's unbelievable she was in third place before but now she's in first place Rosie Jones
46:49Please don't collect the things have been inside
47:04You