Taskmaster NZ S05 E01
Taskmaster NZ S05 E01
Taskmaster NZ S05 E02 >>> https://dai.ly/x93nbkq
Taskmaster NZ S05 E02 >>> https://dai.ly/x93nbkq
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TVTranscript
00:00Hello.
00:01And...
00:02Two!
00:03Come on!
00:04Woo-hoo!
00:05That's for the haters.
00:06Oh!
00:07Come here.
00:08Come here.
00:09Jiggle-biddle-chee!
00:10Oh!
00:11Yeah!
00:12Yeah!
00:13He-he-he-he!
00:15E te ti, e te ta!
00:21Nau mai, haere mai.
00:28Welcome to Season 5 of Taskmaster.
00:43Yes, we're over the moon to be back for another ten episodes of Mayhem, and by we, I mean
00:51me.
00:52Over the next ten episodes, we'll watch with sick fascination as five New Zealand comedians
00:58with non-overlapping audiences compete in what can only be described as a dog show for
01:05humans.
01:08But why have these five comedians signed away their dignity for, let's be honest, less money
01:13than you might think?
01:15Well, it's all for a chance to get their hands on this.
01:22The Taskmaster trophy made from pure 24-carat fool's gold.
01:29Let's meet the five brave comedians.
01:32They are Abbie Howes, Ben Hurley, Hayley Sprower, and Tom Sainsbury.
01:44Now unfortunately, one of our comedians, Tofinga Thepulea, he can't be with us here in the
01:50studio.
01:51So this season, we have a cavalcade of fan favourites stepping up to defend his honour.
01:56So please welcome, for episode one, Madeleine Sarmie.
02:01And you know how the saying goes, beside every great man in a big chair is another smaller
02:09man in a less impressive chair.
02:12And for me, that other smaller man is none other than Paul Williams.
02:19It's so good to be back, Jeremy, and I've actually got you an opening night gift.
02:26It's a finger painting from my nephew.
02:30Oh, wow.
02:34He's incredibly talented.
02:37Someone can grab that later on.
02:40I'll deal with that a little bit later on.
02:42So, what are we going to start with, the prize task?
02:45So tonight, we've asked our five comedians to bring in the worst cup, and the winner
02:53of tonight's episode will get to take home all five terrible cups.
02:57Alright, we're going to start with Abby.
02:59Hello, Jeremy.
03:00Abby, what is your terrible cup that you've brought in?
03:02First of all, it doesn't function as a cup, it's got a lot of holes in it.
03:07But also, it says, I exclusively drink piss.
03:13Wow.
03:14So you know, it's bad functionally, but it also maybe starts a conversation you don't
03:19want to start.
03:22So, let's just say that I do drink piss, and I don't mind letting people know about it.
03:31I mean, apart from the holes in it, what would be wrong with this?
03:34Well, also, the handle looks like an anus.
03:38I think if you did like drinking piss, the holes might actually be a positive.
03:42You get more.
03:43Also, replicate kind of...
03:47Paul, when you pee, does it spritz everywhere?
03:50Because you should get that looked at.
03:51There's three solid...
03:52Right!
03:53Wow.
03:54Ben, I don't know how you're going to come back from this.
03:57I don't want to take it down, but this comes from genuine trauma.
04:00Because this is the 2019 Cricket World Cup.
04:05Which, of course, New Zealand didn't win in horrific circumstances.
04:10And cricket fans like me, we carry this trauma with us forever.
04:14So this is easily the worst cup.
04:16I'm not really pleased that you've brought that trauma back to me.
04:20That's super over.
04:21That's one of the worst moments of my life.
04:23You don't want to know what you mean.
04:25Did someone die?
04:26Did a man die?
04:29Like a part of all of us died.
04:33Hayley.
04:34Jeremy, I'd like...
04:35Well, actually, all of us would like to cast our minds back to the wonderful year that was 2020.
04:40And we'd just been thrown into lockdown.
04:43So I made my partner Aaron and I a little tray for his trinkets,
04:47which I thought was quite cute.
04:49And he made me this, which is...
04:52Oh!
04:55OK, so your fiancé has lovingly made you this thing.
04:58And then you've brought it on national television and absolutely humiliated him.
05:02Yeah.
05:03In the hopes that I don't win today and it's no longer on display
05:07in my kitchen, pride of place.
05:09Smart.
05:10Madeleine, what have you brought in?
05:12Just put it up on screen, actually.
05:14Yep.
05:15Wowzers.
05:16That's a gun cup.
05:18It's my friend's cup.
05:19It's just awful.
05:20They got it in Vegas because they went to a gun range
05:23and that was the merch on offer.
05:25Although you're thinking now, aren't you, with what's been offered so far,
05:28that gun cup's looking pretty bloody good, isn't it?
05:30Yeah.
05:31You could get so much piss in there, no problem.
05:35Tom, how are you feeling about what you brought in?
05:38Look, mine is aesthetically pleasing, sure.
05:40But I want to get a movement against the style of cup.
05:43And here it is.
05:45You might notice something missing here.
05:48The amount of times I've been, here you go, here's your green tea.
05:50Hussah, hussah, hussah, hussah.
05:52And having to hold it, having to hold it like that.
05:55So I'm railing against a style of cup.
05:58Wow.
06:00I've got the audience on side.
06:02How am I going to judge this?
06:04I personally love the Cricket World Cup.
06:08I'm going to give Ben one point there.
06:10Oh, come on.
06:11Madeleine, two points, because that's also quite a cool cup.
06:14That's a good cup.
06:15It is a good cup.
06:16Sorry, Toffinger, sorry, Toffinger.
06:18Tom gets three.
06:19Yes.
06:20Middle.
06:21And then I will go four points for Hayley.
06:24I'll take that.
06:25Five points for Abby.
06:26Oh, thank you.
06:28All right, let's rip into the first proper task, shall we, Paul?
06:33For sure, Jeremy.
06:34And I think you'll like this one,
06:37because it's a little bit sensual.
06:39Mmm.
06:46Hello.
06:47Hello, Abby.
06:49Hello, Hayley.
06:52Hello, Toffinger.
06:53Hey, Paul.
06:55Hi.
06:56Hello, Tom.
06:57The sensors.
07:01Choose three of your five sensors to lose for the next task.
07:05Place them in the bin.
07:07Get rid of three?
07:08Yes, please.
07:09These are the three I'm going to get rid of.
07:12You're keeping touch and hearing.
07:14I reckon I could do everything with touch and sight.
07:19I want to see and I want to feel.
07:21Paul, tonight I'm going with eyes and smell.
07:25I'm going to lose that one.
07:27OK, you happy with that?
07:28I'm going to be kicking myself soon, but I'm happy with it.
07:32Thank you, sir.
07:35Attach your sense blockers, then follow the instructions.
07:40Fastest wins.
07:42Your time starts when the phone rings.
07:44Attach my sense blockers?
07:46Yes, we'll bring those.
07:47OK.
07:48Yeah.
07:52I am fascinated to know what kind of bizarre adventure, Paul,
07:55you've got lined up for these guys.
07:57Let's see what happens.
07:59First up are the three comedians I would rank first, second and third.
08:04Alphabetically.
08:05It's Abby, Ben and Hayley.
08:07Your time starts when the phone rings.
08:10We'll get your sense blockers now.
08:12Excellent.
08:16Can you hear me?
08:17Can I hear you?
08:18No.
08:21Oh, no.
08:23I guess I don't know when the phone rings,
08:25cos I can't hear anything.
08:31I don't know what to do.
08:32Did you give me instructions?
08:34They're on the phone.
08:35Oh, they're on the phone?
08:36Yeah.
08:38It's an issue, isn't it?
08:40Can't hear the phone.
08:41Where's the phone?
08:44These phones?
08:47Why did I choose smell?
08:49Is it on you?
08:50Yes.
08:52Oh, here.
08:54Do you have a phone in your pocket?
08:56Yes.
08:57Can I see it?
08:59Answer.
09:01Take a mug of almond milk
09:03and serve it to the mannequin in the field.
09:05I can't hear it.
09:06You're going to have to describe for me what they're saying.
09:09Hi, I can't hear you.
09:10Can you text me?
09:11I would be forever grateful if you could send me a text.
09:16Pick up.
09:17Take.
09:18Cup.
09:20Mug.
09:21Take a mug.
09:22Of.
09:23Take a mug of almond milk.
09:25And serve it to the mannequin in the field.
09:28Then ring the bell.
09:31What is that?
09:32Mannequin.
09:33Take a mug of almond milk to the mannequin.
09:37Ring the bell.
09:38Okay.
09:39A mug of almond milk.
09:44I can't taste any of them.
09:46No.
09:47Maybe.
09:48Maybe.
09:49I think.
09:50Ow.
09:51Ow.
09:53What does almond milk feel like?
09:55Too creamy.
09:56Maybe this one.
09:57I think it's this.
09:59Okay, that's that.
10:00Alright.
10:01I'm going to the field.
10:02Okay.
10:03Here we go.
10:04Ow.
10:05Blue in here.
10:06I know.
10:07A feather of pearl.
10:11Where's the mannequin?
10:13Yes.
10:14Alright, off we go to the field.
10:16Pull.
10:18The mannequin.
10:24Oh, gosh.
10:25Milady.
10:27Milady.
10:30Stop the clock.
10:32Is that it?
10:33I've stopped the clock.
10:34I can't hear you.
10:35Sorry.
10:36Act it out.
10:38Stop.
10:39You stopped the clock.
10:45Fascinating.
10:46Ben, what does almond milk feel like?
10:49It's an excellent question, Jeremy.
10:52I'm not that familiar with the nut milks,
10:55so I had to just kind of guess.
10:58It's kind of watery, I guess.
11:00Yeah.
11:01I don't drink cow milk, and I was like,
11:03I've got this with that technique.
11:05Did I detect, Abby, that at one stage
11:07you were trying to smell which phone was ringing?
11:10Yeah.
11:11I was like, I've got smell.
11:13I've got to learn.
11:14I've got to learn to rely on this.
11:16But then I did a new smell for the milks.
11:22What about the times?
11:24Ben, seven minutes.
11:27Ben, seven minutes, exactly.
11:29Wow.
11:30Very speedy.
11:31We don't know if that's good.
11:32We don't know.
11:33Calm down.
11:34Abby, 13 minutes and 13 seconds.
11:37Hayley, 10 minutes and 16 seconds.
11:40OK.
11:41However, she did slightly get the mannequin's order wrong.
11:46The mannequin wanted almond milk.
11:49She took some flowery water.
11:52I am so convinced.
11:54Did I get the milk correct?
11:56You did.
11:57I got that just on vibe.
11:59That's so true.
12:01I vibed the correct milk.
12:03Yes.
12:04Wow.
12:05OK.
12:06Now the moment we've all been waiting for,
12:08season five's very first ad break.
12:10We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
12:26Kirikoto Arnold, welcome back
12:28to the season five premiere of Taskmaster.
12:31Where are we, Paul?
12:32Up next, the two comedians I would rank last and second to last,
12:37personality-wise.
12:39Wow.
12:40It's Torfinga and Tom.
12:47Hey.
12:49Tom, we'll start when the phone rings.
12:52Oh, no.
12:53Where's the phone?
12:55Oh, there we go.
12:58Hello?
12:59My instructions start when the phone rings.
13:02I've got to take a mug of almond milk to a mannequin.
13:06Is she going to have to go up to the kitchen?
13:09No, darling.
13:18Stop the clock.
13:20Oh, shit.
13:21Almond milk.
13:22Am I finding almond milk?
13:24I've stopped the clock.
13:28We're in the kitchen.
13:30What's this in my hand now?
13:32That's a bottle.
13:33Of?
13:34I'm not sure.
13:35I'm going to go to the kitchen and find almond milk.
13:38OK, but I have stopped the clock.
13:40Do you want to test that for me, if there's almond milk?
13:44I'm not sure.
13:46Hey, Tom.
13:48Tom.
13:50Tom.
13:51What about this one?
13:53I think that's glue.
13:54Oh, sorry, bro.
13:55No, that's OK.
13:56Oh, no.
13:57If I knew that, I would have told you to drink the whole bottle.
14:00Oh.
14:01Stop the clock.
14:02Oh, ****.
14:03What was that?
14:04I should have taken the instructions.
14:06I'll be back.
14:10Is it almond milk?
14:11No, it's yoghurt.
14:12Try this one.
14:15It tastes like maybe paint and...
14:17Oh, sorry, bro.
14:18No, that's OK.
14:19I have stopped the clock.
14:21Five.
14:22You don't need to do any of this.
14:24OK, I'm going to take this with me.
14:27That could be almond milk.
14:28This one.
14:29Maybe we try that last bottle again, just to make sure.
14:34Paint, for sure.
14:36OK, we'll go with this one.
14:38Tom, can you hear me?
14:41I've stopped the clock already.
14:43The task is done.
14:44OK.
14:45Yeah, keep going.
14:46It's just open pastures.
14:49Are you happy with that?
14:51Five.
14:52I stopped the clock a long time ago.
14:54Five.
14:55Is this it?
14:58I've stopped the clock.
15:00Hello?
15:01Are you happy with that?
15:03You're happy?
15:04I've stopped the clock.
15:05Oh, have you?
15:06Yeah.
15:07Is that it?
15:08Yeah.
15:10Tom, I now understand why you look so uncomfortable when you're watching everyone else's.
15:18I know.
15:19A lot of mistakes made.
15:20You did so much more than you needed to.
15:22I know.
15:23Life in general for me, really.
15:24Yeah.
15:25Did I get the milk right?
15:26It was the correct milk.
15:27What?
15:28But...
15:29But...
15:30But it wasn't in a mug.
15:31It wasn't in a mug, and your time ends when you ring the bell, so...
15:36Oh, what?
15:37Yes.
15:38So, 1 minute 33, and he did ring the bell, and then he continued for a further 12 and
15:43a half minutes.
15:45Torfinga, 30 minutes and 32 seconds.
15:48We spent quite a long time trying the different liquids.
15:51Yeah, I could see that.
15:52Yeah, he made me try a few multiple times.
15:55I probably should say to anyone watching, don't drink glue or paint.
16:01Do drink piss.
16:04Exclusively.
16:06Should we have a look at how we're going to score that, because...
16:09Well, both Hayley and Tom did not complete the task.
16:12Yeah.
16:13So, what do you think for them?
16:14Zero.
16:15Zero for both.
16:16Jeremy!
16:17Why you didn't complete the task?
16:18You don't get a point for that.
16:19He's got to do what he's got to do.
16:22It's brutal, guys.
16:23I've done a whole season in this way.
16:24Just got to toughen up.
16:26So, Tom disqualified, Hayley disqualified.
16:30Three points for Torfinga?
16:31Yeah.
16:32With 30 minutes and 32 seconds.
16:35Four points for Abbey and five points for Ben Hurley.
16:44So, what is our scoreboard looking like now, Paul?
16:47Out in first with nine points, Abbey Howells.
16:54OK, let's chuck on another task.
16:57Warning, this next task could get a little messy,
17:02but I'm about to press play,
17:04and you Maradona wanna miss this one.
17:18Can't see Paul.
17:19Can't see Paul.
17:20Paul?
17:23Hello, Paul?
17:30Oh, what?
17:32Are you serious, Paul?
17:34Whoa!
17:37Oh!
17:38No, no!
17:40Oh!
17:42That was really impressive.
17:44Thanks for saying that.
17:47Celebrate a football goal.
17:49Most glorious goal celebration wins.
17:52You may only take one kick.
17:54If you miss, you must celebrate regardless.
17:57You have 30 minutes.
17:59Your time starts now.
18:01And do you have a signature celebration?
18:04Well, I'm a New Zealander, so...
18:07Still somebody watching would go,
18:09Bit much, mate?
18:10Yeah.
18:11Have you ever seen Les Mis, Paul?
18:13Have I seen it?
18:14I performed in it.
18:16Who did you play?
18:17Javert.
18:18Oh!
18:19Got a barbecue and some chicken nibbles.
18:22Make sure there's heaps, man.
18:24OK, I'll try.
18:25I'll put in a good word for you.
18:26With the taskmaster?
18:27Yeah.
18:29What's his name again?
18:30The taskmaster?
18:31Yeah.
18:32I see him on TV.
18:33We know the name.
18:34Him and the lady.
18:35What's her name?
18:36You don't know her name?
18:37Hillary Clinton, eh?
18:38Is it Hillary Clinton?
18:41So that whole intro was clearly designed
18:43to show off your football prowess.
18:45Essentially, yeah.
18:46And then there was an open goal
18:48and you hit the corner of the post.
18:50Yeah.
18:51I could see how genuinely gutted you were there.
18:54Yeah.
18:55I didn't realise when you came in, Paul,
18:58that the assumption was that you would play with you
19:00with the ball.
19:01You know?
19:02Other people were like,
19:03oh, you know,
19:04I'm going to get in the goal and have a bit of fun.
19:06But I just watched.
19:08Ironically, it works.
19:09You were the one person I didn't score against.
19:11Yeah.
19:13It's OK, Paul.
19:14I disconcert people.
19:18OK, should we see some celebrations?
19:20Who's up first?
19:21Serving up a healthy portion of goal,
19:24it's Taufinga.
19:25It's for you, Paul.
19:29Yeah!
19:30Yeah!
19:31All right!
19:32Woo!
19:33Woo!
19:34Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
19:35Bacha!
19:36Lubach!
19:37Hey, hey!
19:38Ho!
19:39Hey, hey!
19:40Ho!
19:41Tank!
19:42Zoom!
19:43Double tank!
19:44Zoom, zoom!
19:45Away, away!
19:46Issa!
19:47All right!
19:48Yeah, Paul!
19:49Thanks for me, Paul!
19:50Give me a T.
19:51Yeah!
19:52O.
19:53O!
19:54I.
19:55I!
19:56G.
19:57What sort of G was that?
19:58G, capital G.
19:59Oh, G!
20:00A!
20:01A!
20:02Yeah, Taufinga!
20:04Yeah, Paul!
20:06Yee-hee!
20:08Have you cooked that enough?
20:09Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good stuff.
20:11Do you want a patty or?
20:12I'm vegetarian.
20:13Yeah, the chicken's vegetarian.
20:15I don't think so.
20:16That looks like real chicken.
20:18Yeah, but it doesn't eat meat.
20:19It's a vegetarian chicken.
20:21Oh, it eats like grains.
20:22Yeah.
20:23And the patty's definitely vegetarian.
20:25That's absolutely not vegetarian.
20:32That's genius.
20:33That made me so happy.
20:34It's awesome!
20:35I love the sausage sizzle!
20:37What were the crew like behind the camera?
20:40I feel like they would have just been like,
20:42that's just the kind of thing that gets the crew so excited.
20:44You know what I mean?
20:45I mean, yeah, I think they were just kind of like...
20:48So, had have you eaten that chicken?
20:50Like, how long was the...
20:52How long would I have had to live?
20:54Not long.
20:55Right.
20:56No, he'd cooked the chicken for...
20:58I measured 44 seconds.
21:02OK, I'd like to see another comedian
21:04do an elaborate, over-the-top celebration
21:06after scoring an open goal from two metres away.
21:08Please, Paul.
21:09Will he bend it like Beckham
21:11or bend it like Hurley?
21:13Ben Hurley steps up for new club,
21:16Spurs City United,
21:18to score a goal.
21:20Here he goes.
21:22And it's in!
21:23It's a goal!
21:25Oh!
21:27Oh!
21:29He's scored a goal!
21:31Who are you?
21:32Who are you?
21:33I'll be back soon, lads.
21:35I'm a famous footballer now,
21:37so I'm going to get on my Aston Martin
21:39and I'm going to get on my Aston Martin
21:41so I'm going to get on my Aston Martin
21:43and go marry a supermodel.
21:50I now pronounce you husband and wife.
21:52I love you, supermodel lady.
21:54I love you, football Ben Hurley.
22:00Oh, wow.
22:01What a fantastic footballing career.
22:03PHONE RINGS
22:04Hello?
22:05What?
22:06Tax?
22:07How often do I have to pay that?
22:09Every year?
22:10Oh!
22:13Oh, thank God we moved to a country
22:16with such lax tax laws like Switzerland.
22:19That was close.
22:20Hey, why do you have a suitcase, sweetheart?
22:32I scored a goal.
22:35I scored a goal.
22:39Who are you?
22:41Who are you?
22:43Oh, wow.
22:45That was good, that was good.
22:48So that was an amazing story arc there.
22:50There was a beginning, a middle
22:52and then about six endings.
22:55Yeah, it was a long denouement,
22:57as they say in the film industry.
22:59And what sort of car were you driving when you went out there?
23:02Was that a Toyota Realm?
23:04I believe it was an Aston Martin.
23:06I think it was a Toyota Aston Martin.
23:08He has a type of Aston Martin called a Demio.
23:12Yes.
23:13Can you show me another one, please?
23:15Behind every great goalkeeper,
23:18there's a ball from Tom Sainsbury.
23:24I did it, I did it!
23:27Yay!
23:33Yeah!
23:36What, ref?
23:37What do you mean, ref?
23:38That wasn't a foul.
23:39What are you doing, Bianca?
23:41Bianca, this is about you and me.
23:43This is personal.
23:44It's got nothing to do with the rest of the team.
23:47Oh, here we go again.
23:49I was too focused on my football career.
23:51Relationships are an equation of two people, Bianca.
23:55Yeah, I've been thinking about you every day, too.
24:00I think you look pretty great in the ref outfit as well.
24:04I really liked how you blew your whistle.
24:15You happy with that?
24:17I'd say that would get me fourth place.
24:19That's what you're going for?
24:23I thought that's bold of you, Tom,
24:25to think that that's going to get you fourth place.
24:28What is it with you footballers and these off-pitch relationships?
24:32I don't know, just red-blooded blokes up here, mate.
24:37I agree with you on Bianca's reffing, though.
24:39That was absolute rubbish.
24:41You had an open goal.
24:42Exactly.
24:43What was the foul?
24:44And where was the defence?
24:47Exactly.
24:48There was no defence.
24:49Good sport turn there, Tom.
24:51Well done.
24:53There was some glory in that celebration,
24:55but it was tragic.
24:56Yeah, it was tragic that we now know how Tom Sainsbury pashes.
25:00Really?
25:01So much lip.
25:02So much lip.
25:03Yeah, but it was like kissing a piece of wood, you know?
25:06Like she was giving nothing.
25:07Wow.
25:08Wow.
25:12That's just how girls kiss.
25:13Yeah.
25:14It's not.
25:18Alright, time now for you at home to celebrate
25:21by taking advantage of these fantastic deals
25:23from our commercial sponsors.
25:25We'll see you after the break.
25:31Welcome back to Taskmaster.
25:33A beautiful show where we're playing the beautiful game.
25:36Isn't that right?
25:37Beautiful, Paul.
25:38Kind of.
25:39Thanks for calling me beautiful.
25:41We're watching our contestants celebrate scoring a goal.
25:44Most glorious celebration wins.
25:46So far, we've had two break-ups
25:48and one barbecue that breaks all food safety standards.
25:51So far, we've had two break-ups
25:53and one barbecue that breaks all food safety standards.
25:56So far, we've had two break-ups
25:58and one barbecue that breaks all food safety standards.
26:00What have we got next?
26:01Hayley Sproul.
26:02More like Hayley Wow.
26:04What a goal.
26:06WHISTLE
26:11SCREAMING
26:19SCREAMING
26:20GROWLING
26:24GROWLING
26:28GROWLING
26:33Where's my girlfriend?
26:34Come here, baby.
26:35You're gonna want to get this.
26:37Paulina, I wanted to wait for this moment
26:40where I won the World Cup for Aotearoa New Zealand.
26:43Shoot.
26:45WHISTLE
26:47Will you marry me, baby?
26:48Of course I will.
26:50GROWLING
26:58GROWLING
27:06Sorry, my nipples.
27:11I think having a goalie in there
27:13really creates some authenticity
27:15and really ups the stakes.
27:16Yeah, it did.
27:17I think, as well, I was really excited to see the slow-mo,
27:21but, boy, it was really giving a lot, wasn't it?
27:24Can I just point out that I feel
27:26that there wasn't enough lip in that.
27:29Paul and I both went to drama school,
27:31and it's a very old technique that you use to kiss
27:33when it's not appropriate to touch lips.
27:35Well, that...
27:36OK.
27:37That was money well spent, my friend.
27:39Well, at least you used a proper human.
27:42Yeah.
27:43And not a mannequin.
27:44And can I just say the authenticity
27:46of that lesbian Paulina's undercut?
27:48Honestly?
27:49Yeah.
27:51It was hot.
27:52I felt seen.
27:53I felt my people were seen.
27:54I think you're an incredible ally, Paul.
27:57Yeah.
27:58It is definitely the least toxic relationship
28:01that we've seen so far.
28:03Yeah.
28:04Do you feel like, on the scale from mannequin to human,
28:06Paul is in the middle?
28:09Yeah.
28:11I reckon I could handle one more of these, Paul.
28:14Sure thing, Jeremy.
28:15Abbey Howell?
28:16More like Abbey Wow.
28:18She also scored a goal.
28:20It's Abbey Howells.
28:23My village has been attacked.
28:27Oh, Mon Pierre, you have been hit.
28:30Bonjour.
28:31Bonjour.
28:32Score a goal for me.
28:34Score a goal for you, Panja.
28:38No.
28:40Score a goal.
28:41It is the least that I can do.
28:49I've got to score a goal.
28:51Score a goal for me.
28:57Victory for France.
29:01They may take our lives,
29:03but through football,
29:05we will never die.
29:21What a journey.
29:22Powerful stuff.
29:23Oh, my gosh.
29:24Incroyable.
29:25Magnifique.
29:26It'd be good if you'd have got up and gone,
29:28master of the house, keep your eye on the...
29:30Oh, he's glorious.
29:32Oh, is that not who that is?
29:34No, that's the master of the goddamn house.
29:36Oh, you know everything about crickets.
29:41The quote from you was beautiful.
29:44It's beautiful.
29:45It's beautiful.
29:46It's beautiful.
29:47It's beautiful.
29:48It's beautiful.
29:49It's beautiful.
29:50Beautiful.
29:51Gone.
29:52They may take our lives,
29:54but through football,
29:56we will never die.
29:58Yeah, it's beautiful and glorious.
30:01I'd also maybe like to draw attention
30:03to Paul's character, Jean-Pierre.
30:05Jean-Pierre was good.
30:06Yes.
30:07I've got to say.
30:08So if you like Jean-Pierre,
30:09strap in, because he appears in...
30:11Quite a few times.
30:12Oh, does he?
30:13Yeah.
30:14I will point out that most of Abbey's did happen
30:17before she scored the goal.
30:19Paul!
30:22The word, Jeremy, we were used was glorious.
30:25Okay, we were given the word glorious.
30:27Yep, and I thought yours was glorious.
30:29Indeed.
30:30I thought...
30:32And I think that you deserve four points.
30:35Thank you, Jeremy.
30:36Appreciate.
30:37I mean, I showed myself in all my glory.
30:40No, and I think you deserve five points.
30:42Yes!
30:43Now, I loved both yours, Tom,
30:45and I also loved yours, Ben,
30:48but there was so much tragedy involved in that.
30:50So I'm going to give you guys two points each.
30:53And then the barbecue was genius,
30:55so I'll give that three.
30:56So two points each for Ben and Tom,
30:58three points for Tofinga,
31:00four points for Abbey,
31:01and five points for Hayley Sproul.
31:03Yeah, that's it.
31:10Okay, Paul.
31:11I believe it's time for another task.
31:13Yes, but not just any task.
31:15This task is one of our biggest tasks ever.
31:26Ta-da!
31:30Ooh!
31:31My man.
31:32Hello, Tofinga.
31:33Thank you, sir.
31:34Wow.
31:35A cornucopia of tasks.
31:37Is this my cue?
31:38What do you mean?
31:39Oh.
31:40Ha.
31:43Little pool cues.
31:44Mind if I sit down, Paul?
31:46Go for it.
31:47Okay, what have we got?
31:48Complete all the tasks on the roof.
31:50You may only touch a task using these pool cues.
31:53Fastest wins.
31:55Oh, my God.
31:57Your time starts now.
32:02Who's going first?
32:04The big hand is striking task o'clock.
32:06It's time for Big Ben.
32:09Shall I pull them down?
32:10I guess.
32:11Okay.
32:12And pull down.
32:13And...
32:14Come on, man.
32:16Come on, man.
32:18Cheer Paul up.
32:19What's going to cheer you up?
32:20A dance?
32:24Yeah, little smile there.
32:25Did that work?
32:27Yeah!
32:28Good.
32:31Help Paul make some lunch.
32:33Oh, what about a peanut butter sandwich?
32:35Okay, only 400 more tasks to go.
32:39Here we go.
32:40Don't worry about this one.
32:42Yes, thank you.
32:51Hang on a minute.
32:55This isn't the roof.
32:58What do you mean?
32:59This is the ceiling.
33:01Is there actually a task, like, on the roof out there?
33:04And there's, like, one?
33:06I don't see any tasks.
33:08Oh!
33:09High five, Paul!
33:10Oh!
33:11I did it!
33:12I did it!
33:19I thought there was something strange about this particular task.
33:23And just watching everybody's reaction here was gold.
33:29I agree, Jeremy.
33:30I agree.
33:31Oh, my gosh!
33:32It was interesting to see how many people were watching.
33:35Interesting to see how the wheels of your brain...
33:37I could see the moment where it turned over for you.
33:40Sherlock Holmes-like.
33:41Yeah, I genuinely thought I'd done too many even there.
33:45But looking now, I'm clearly pretty smug.
33:51How long did it take, Ben?
33:53Not long.
33:5412 minutes and 41 seconds.
33:56Wow.
33:57And were you opening all of the tasks with the cues?
33:59I thought you were allowed to touch them.
34:01You couldn't touch the ones on the roof.
34:03Yeah.
34:04Oh.
34:06What?
34:07Well, I can't wait to see how long it takes for our other contestants
34:10to figure out Paul's little trick, but I'm going to have to
34:13because it's time to cut to some ads.
34:15More Taskmaster after this.
34:18APPLAUSE
34:31Pōke mai anō.
34:32Welcome back to Taskmaster, where we're just discovering
34:35how few New Zealand comedians know what the word roof means.
34:40Take it away, Paul.
34:42Our contestants were tasked with completing all the tasks on the roof.
34:46Up next, their initials spell the word hat,
34:49which is fitting because a roof is like a hat for a house.
34:54It's Hayley, Abby and Tom.
34:57Chair, pull up.
34:59You are bringing so much to the world.
35:02Throw a grape into Paul's mouth and cross the road.
35:05Oh, good boy!
35:07Lead Paul in a one-minute exercise class.
35:10One, two...
35:12Don't worry about this one.
35:14Write a thrilling two-person play and perform it with Paul.
35:18I've put a swear word in here and I want you to really deliver it to me.
35:22Maybe if you touched me like you used to.
35:26Like this?
35:29I prefer the touch of your brother.
35:33Whore.
35:35That's the swear word.
35:39Shake Paul's hand for five minutes.
35:41I feel like I could be doing other tasks while I'm doing this.
35:43Completely cover the desk.
35:46Make Paul drink a litre of liquid.
35:51Draw a portrait of a celebrity.
35:53Paul must be able to recognise who it is.
36:00Now that could be one of two people.
36:02Give yourself a big makeover.
36:06I went for big and bold.
36:09Play hacky sack with Paul until you complete six consecutive hackys.
36:14One, two, three, four, five, six!
36:18Six.
36:22Give me five, my friend.
36:25Give you what?
36:26Five.
36:28I've stopped the clock.
36:29You've stopped?
36:30Yeah.
36:31Is that the end?
36:32Yeah.
36:33OK.
36:34Count how many fingers Paul is holding up.
36:36One, two, three, four.
36:38My man.
36:40Oh, Paul.
36:43Nah, how many am I holding up?
36:45Five.
36:47Five?
36:48Yeah.
36:49It's just a silly trick.
36:52So many still.
36:54I'm losing it, Paul.
36:58Play paper, scissors, rock with Paul.
37:00Make Paul a drink.
37:02Name 18 countries that Paul knows the capital city of.
37:06It's ten vastly different green things.
37:08Ten!
37:09Gosh.
37:10You've got 11.
37:11And now we just have one more.
37:15Follow my dreams.
37:18I will.
37:19And that's the last one.
37:22You can stop the clock if you want.
37:24That's not how it works.
37:26I've done every single task.
37:28All the information you need is in the task.
37:31No.
37:32This is not a good sign.
37:34I feel like I'm in a horror movie.
37:36Do all the tasks on the roof.
37:38Is there a task on the roof?
37:40Oh, there's a task on the roof.
37:42OK, I can't read it.
37:44I've got to go downstairs.
37:46No!
37:47No!
37:48No!
37:49No!
37:50No!
37:51No!
37:52No!
37:53No!
37:54No!
37:55No!
37:56No!
37:57No!
37:58No!
37:59No!
38:00No!
38:02High five, Paul.
38:06Stop the clock.
38:17I feel like Abby deserves some counselling after that.
38:20Because that was intense.
38:22Yeah, I think me sitting on the glass at the end.
38:24You know that portrait of a woman who's like this?
38:26Yes.
38:27Yeah, it was like that.
38:29It was true despair, sadness and...
38:31Well, you were there.
38:32I know.
38:33You were there.
38:34I know.
38:35I know, but I was trying to be sassy for the television.
38:39Be sassy?
38:40I was trying to be sassy for the television
38:42and provide entertainment for all of you.
38:44There's a little bit of karma there, Abby,
38:46because you're not supposed to leave anyone hanging.
38:48Yeah, that's true.
38:49There's a little bit of karma.
38:50OK, the interesting thing for you, Tom,
38:52and you as well, Hayley,
38:53is that you had no idea why on earth you'd finished.
38:55No, we did.
38:56Did you?
38:57We did.
38:58LAUGHTER
39:00I don't know.
39:01So what were the times?
39:02Tom high-fived me after 31 minutes and 26 seconds.
39:06Hayley, 43 minutes and 8 seconds.
39:09Abby, 1 hour, 10 minutes and 41 seconds.
39:13OK, so by my calculations, Paul,
39:16there's still one contestant left.
39:18Yes.
39:19Last but not least, but also not most,
39:21I like all the contestants equally.
39:24It's Taufinga.
39:26Do the tusk on the roof.
39:28And what's the tusk on the roof?
39:31Er, what do you mean?
39:33Oh, don't tell me it's outside.
39:36I'm trying to see if I can find it from here.
39:39Does that look like a tusk up there?
39:42I've got bad eyes, mate.
39:43Can you go up there and read it for me?
39:46This is high-five Paul.
39:48Yeah!
39:49I mean...
39:50APPLAUSE
39:51Stop the clock.
39:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:56So, it turns out that it's one of the easiest tasks
40:00we've ever had on Taskmaster.
40:02He didn't even regard the ceiling.
40:05He must have been like, I guess that's for another task.
40:09I was changed.
40:11LAUGHTER
40:13I am starting to detect there's a bit of a through-line
40:15going on here with Taufinga, though.
40:17He gets you to do absolutely everything.
40:19He's incredibly polite, so I'm happy to help.
40:22So how long did he take in the end?
40:24Actually, it wasn't quite as quick as it looked,
40:26because Taufinga, he definitely doesn't move with a lot of urgency.
40:31So, 10 minutes and 18 seconds.
40:34What were you doing for 10 minutes and 18 seconds?
40:36He sits there for a bit, and then we sort of just meandered out.
40:40Yeah.
40:42But still, even at that pace, he did beat Abbie by over an hour.
40:46LAUGHTER
40:48You're saying, so he cooked the meat for less?
40:51LAUGHTER
40:53LAUGHTER
40:55With that time, that means one point for Abbie,
40:58two points for Hayley, three points for Tom,
41:01four points for Ben, and five points for Taufinga.
41:04APPLAUSE
41:06OK.
41:08So if that task has inspired you to go and check your roof
41:11for any secret messages, now is your chance.
41:14We'll be back with a live task
41:16and the winner of Episode 1 after these ads.
41:19APPLAUSE
41:22CHEERING
41:33Tena tatou. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
41:36where we're about to find out which lucky comedian
41:39will be forced to take home five of the worst cups in existence.
41:44But before we get on to our live task,
41:46we'd better have a little squiz at the old scoreboard pool.
41:49So anyone can win it tonight, apart from Tom.
41:52Ahead by one point on 14 is Abbie Howells.
41:56CHEERING
41:58OK, you lot, please head to the stage for the live task.
42:02CHEERING
42:04MUSIC
42:06All right, can someone talk me through what's happening here?
42:09Tom Sainsbury, could you please read this task?
42:12Ooh.
42:14Simultaneously toss both your shoes off the stage.
42:18Furthest apart landed shoes, each round will be eliminated.
42:23The first round, you must throw the shoes with one in each hand.
42:27You cannot attach your shoes together in any way.
42:30Last person standing wins.
42:32Abbie, please throw from your mat. You may not move your mat.
42:36Golly.
42:37Let me smell yours. Let me brand new.
42:39Good luck, Abbie. Thank you. You smell like mustard.
42:42LAUGHTER
42:43Now you're going to have mustard hands.
42:45Abbie, focus.
42:47Excuse me, can you let me focus?
42:49Excuse me, I'm talking to mustard hands here.
42:52Oh, lovely.
42:54That was a good try.
42:56Dan.
42:58Here we go.
43:00Oh!
43:02That's close. Feeling good.
43:04So Hayley's chosen a sort of black leather loafer with a buckle.
43:08Classic mustard hands, right?
43:10Oh.
43:12Oh, it fell favourably.
43:15Lovely.
43:17Oh!
43:19Yeah, it's too bouncy. Wait for it, wait for it.
43:22Oh!
43:24Eliminated in round one, Madeline Sami.
43:28Representing Tofini.
43:30Thank you. It was thrilling.
43:32Paul, do you want a shoe boy? I could be a shoe boy.
43:34What is a shoe boy?
43:36Yeah, the tennis ball boy.
43:38I might take you up on that.
43:40You'll be throwing both shoes simultaneously in your weak hand.
43:44Lovely.
43:46Oh, bad ball.
43:50Oh, for God's sake.
43:52Oh.
43:54Oh.
43:56Oh.
43:58Oh.
44:00Abbey, 84.5cm.
44:04Oh.
44:06Dramatic.
44:08Suspense.
44:10Tom's shoes, 91cm.
44:12Congrats.
44:14Oh, my God, shoe boy, thank you so much.
44:16Thank you, thank you.
44:18For round three, you will be throwing the shoes
44:20simultaneously over your heads
44:22without looking.
44:27Oh.
44:29It couldn't get worse.
44:31They're actually in different postcards.
44:35Oh.
44:37So Hayley needs Ben to have a shocker here.
44:41Oh.
44:43Hayley, you are eliminated.
44:45Well done, Hayley.
44:47Sorry, I nuked you.
44:51For the final round,
44:53you will kick the shoes with your feet,
44:55one at a time.
44:57One at a time.
44:59Oh, that's good.
45:01Yes.
45:03Oh.
45:05Oh, that's good.
45:07That's good.
45:09That's good.
45:16OK.
45:18This is not a bad place to be there, I reckon.
45:25The winner of the live task,
45:27Abbey Howell.
45:29Come on down, everyone,
45:31and we'll give out some points.
45:35How did that all go, Paul?
45:37So, in order of elimination,
45:39we have one point for Tofinga via Madeline,
45:41two points for Tom,
45:43three points for Hayley,
45:45four points for Ben,
45:47and five points for Abbey Howells,
45:49which means the winner
45:51of episode one of season five
45:53of Taskmaster is Abbey Howells.
45:55There we go.
45:59Congratulations, Abbey.
46:01You are now the proud owner of a collection
46:03of truly terrible cups.
46:07Our first episode
46:09of the season in the can,
46:11but what did we learn?
46:13We learned that two out of five football celebrations
46:15end in marriage.
46:17We learned that the difference
46:19between a ceiling and a roof
46:21is your sanity.
46:23And most importantly,
46:25we learned that Abbey Howells
46:27is the winner of episode one.
46:29Congratulations, Abbey.
46:31Thanks so much for watching.
46:34Let's go.
46:50Did someone say we're a lion?
46:57Well done, old chap.
47:01Possibly the greatest thing that's ever happened
47:03to New Zealand.