Billie Eilish Breaks Down Her Career, from 'Ocean Eyes' to 'Barbie'

Vanity Fair

"When I think about my life…I get to do the coolest s–t in the world." Billie Eilish walks us through her legendary career, discussing the stories behind 'Ocean Eyes,' 'don't smile at me,' 'WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?,' 'No Time To Die,' 'Happier Than Ever,' 'Swarm,' 'What Was I Made For?' and her latest album 'Hit Me Hard and Soft.'   Director: Noel Jean Director of Photography: Matt Krueger Editor: Cory Stevens Talent: Billie Eilish Producer: Funmi Sunmonu Associate Producer: Emebeit Beyene Production Manager: Andressa Pelachi Production Coordinator: Elizabeth Hymes Talent Booker: Lauren Mendoza Camera Operator: Marques Smith Audio Engineer: Paul Cornett Production Assistant: Liza Antonova; Brock Spitaels Post Production Supervisor: Christian Olguin Post Production Coordinator: Scout Alter Supervising Editor: Doug Larsen Additional Editor: Jason Malizia Assistant Editor: Justin Symonds

Transcript

00:00I think that my relationship to the fans has been so vital to all of this and I think like what you

00:06do for them and how you make them feel is what's going to be the most impactful and rewarding for

00:11you and for them. Hi I'm Billie Eilish and this is a timeline of my career so far.

00:32Oceanized was the start of everything. I think within about a week it had a thousand streams

00:37which is not many now but it was a lot then. Stuff was just changing really fast and I'd

00:44never really seen anything like that and it was alarming. I was like 13 I think it was my

00:48my birthday was like the next month and I just remember things were just like building around

00:53me and I felt I just was like whoa what what is going on. My parents were super cautious about

00:58all of it. Hesitant and kind of making sure that I felt comfortable in every step of the way and I

01:02remember my mom being like you don't have to do this you don't have to do this you can at any time

01:07you can you can get out of this you know. My little excited you know determined ambitious

01:14self wasn't gonna listen to anybody. Right after Oceanized came out I got injured in dance that

01:27there was like a very very intense injury that just completely just took me out of all things

01:34dance and that just shifted my whole life. Dance was really like the thing that I loved the most

01:41and that I saw myself doing forever and not being able to I mean it was really hard. Music really

01:49came in handy for me and got me through all of that. I got injured and then we made like belly

01:56ache and hostage and my boy and the songs that then would become don't smile at me that then

02:02came out later. We wrote many of the songs from don't smile at me in 2016. That whole year we were

02:16doing like tiny little shows and I remember there was a moment in 2017 where I got an encore for

02:21the first time and I remember them being like play another one and I was like I don't have

02:26another one I literally don't have another song like I've played all of them. For the first time

02:30and the last time we rented out a studio because we thought maybe it'll be good for us to have a

02:36studio maybe it's bad if we make music at home we should just have a studio and like decide that

02:41we're gonna make the EP in a studio and it was like hell it was literally hell. Yeah and then

02:46it came out in 2017 while I was on a tour with my choir in Canada. I remember like being on the bus

02:55with my friends with all of our uniforms on and we had one of those like earbud like splitter like

03:02the dongle splitter so we all would plug our our headphones and our earbuds into the little dongle

03:08and then I would play the new EP through it and my friends would always be like play I don't want

03:13to be you anymore play my boy play this play that it was very sweet.

03:26What I really appreciate about that EP it's like very young people you know wrote half of it when

03:31I was 13 14 and then put it out when I was 15 and Phineas was 17 18 19 like young little babies that

03:38had no experience at all. I look back and I'm like oh I can't even but what I do feel about

03:44it is that we were so experimental and we were so eager to try stuff and we were so eager to

03:50do anything we were you know we would have an idea and be like why don't we just try it even if it's

03:55weird and I appreciate that about the EP. I was very nervous about a public image though I didn't

04:00know that everything I was doing was going to give me a specific image I was just doing whatever I

04:04was doing at the time I remember I was just like so anxious about how I was being perceived and

04:10really wanted to be seen as a certain thing and didn't really know what I was doing but I think

04:15I did a good job I think I did a good job given the fact that I was a little girl.

04:26I first started recording when we all fall asleep where do we go when I was 16 Phineas was 19.

04:33It was my first studio album we made a lot of it on tour in like little hotel rooms with Phineas's

04:38laptop and I remember writing multiple verses of Ilo Milo on a plane I remember like recording

04:42Wish You Were Gay in like El Paso yeah wherever we could make it we we did in the documentary

04:49um there's like a thing I say where I somebody said about like oh well your next album this and

04:53I was like I'm not making another album no way I really thought that I was like I'm not doing this

04:57again I was like love y'all be safe I'm not doing this again I didn't feel I was good at it and

05:03and I also didn't know what I wanted the heavier theme thing in all my earlier music and now I

05:11swear to god I never thought about it one time this was such a a reoccurring topic for so long

05:16which was like why are your songs so sad and I remember hearing that being like what are you

05:23what are we talking about people seem to forget that when you are a child and a teenager emotion

05:30is the most intense thing in the world everything feels like the end or the beginning I was just

05:38talking about this with a friend that like middle school felt like life was over and that that's how

05:42everything felt then and so you know to to be like how could anyone young understand emotion

05:47are you stupid that's all they have is emotion

05:55I've always had a real love and passion for music videos and visuals in general and I always wanted

06:04to direct them but of course I had no experience and I was a teenager and why would I know what

06:09I was doing I mean you know I can imagine being the adult in the room and me being like I want

06:13to direct it and it's like well you can't you know but at the time I was like you know why not

06:20like I don't I know what I want I know what I want oh my god I know what I want and I think that I

06:25understood that that wasn't enough to like know how to do it but I think I convinced them all to

06:30let me like I think I proved myself is really what I mean and the first music video that I fully

06:36directed was Zanny then Everything I Wanted and then basically everything after that but it's a

06:40lot of work when I first started I was like oh my god I would love to do it for other people as well

06:45other artists the reaction to When We All Fall Asleep Where Do We Go was so like surreal and

06:53the response to bad guy I mean that changed my life like bad guy completely changed my life that's

06:58really what this whole interview should be about is bad guy and its effect on my life and then the

07:02you know the the the awards you know the grammys was like amazing it was literally like the greatest

07:08thing that had ever happened to me and I could not believe any second of it was real that album

07:13really lives on for me like that album completely changed my life so special to me and it's so pure

07:18to me like it's so genuine to me the older I get and the farther away that album is from me I feel

07:26so even closer to it I'm the bad guy now you'll never see me cry there's just no time to die

07:39when we were first making music Phineas and I used to come up with little challenges to write

07:44songs we'd be like let's try to write a song from the perspective of this person and this is

07:48happening and like many times we would be like let's pretend to write a James Bond theme song

07:53because that would be the coolest shit in the world and we were such big fans of Bond and

07:58especially for me I loved Skyfall and just everything about that I remember it was like

08:02at a certain age where it really like stuck with me for some reason and that visual that is going

08:06on during the song in the movie and I just thought it was the coolest thing you can do as an artist

08:10so we would joke about it all the time and it was never ever a reality and then in 2019 Barbara

08:15Broccoli who was working on the film I remember hearing kind of about the fact that they were

08:20looking for someone and looking for a song and I just remember just me and Phineas being like whoa

08:26whoa like please and then it was just like many conversations and meetings and we weren't sure

08:34at all like we didn't think we were gonna get it and it was also like so not in the bag at all like

08:39it was very very much we're auditioning and maybe we get it and maybe not we were sent like the

08:46first 10 pages of the script kind of told the plot ish without like being given any spoilers and

08:53then we wrote No Time to Die in a couple days on tour in like Texas or something recorded it

08:59in the bunk in the tour bus and we didn't even know if we we had the job we honestly

09:04didn't know for a while and then we already had gotten it and I had no idea and um yeah it was

09:10the coolest thing in the world we felt like we made a good song and we really wanted the part

09:16Hans is the best the most incredible collaborator and he's such a genius and he's such a gork he's

09:21such a goofball I mean it was just the most magical thing in the world we went to London

09:25we got shown the movie and then we spent a few days in the studio with him and Johnny Marr and

09:32this whole orchestra and it was insane

09:46I mean the Oscars is just one of those things it's just like oh my god I felt like I snuck in

09:50like it was very cool and intimidating and I mean we watched the Oscars every time when I

09:57was a kid and it was like one of my favorite things that we did as a family so performing

10:00was amazing and then the next year I was nominated and I couldn't even believe I couldn't

10:05even believe I was shortlisted and then I was nominated and then I went and then I performed

10:09again and that was insane and then we won and that was crazy

10:23Happier Than Ever was made with a little too much confidence and that's not a bad thing

10:28we're a little lazy but I love that album I really do and I loved it at the time and it

10:32meant that I grew like I wouldn't have been able to get where I am now had it not been for that

10:37album and everything that I did in that album and it was also kind of a me needing to break

10:43free out of a box that I had felt like I put myself in or that the world put me in from

10:47putting out Ocean Eyes when I was 13 and then getting injured and then being on tour for years

10:53and being in meetings with a million people and a million agents and you know being a 14 year old

10:59in a room with only you know grown ass people mostly men and you know I wanted to be dancing

11:07I wanted to be doing this I don't know I just everything kind of just happened to me and I

11:10didn't really have much of a choice but it's okay I'm not complaining but but it was a lot

11:15and then COVID happened and I was forced to stop and that I think happened for a lot of people but

11:21of course I felt like I was the only one that was happening to I was like I just I just remember it

11:26was it was almost as if blindly doing something that I really wanted to do and felt like I really

11:31wanted to do and I was happy doing and then it was like just taken out just just pulled away from me

11:36and I was just like oh oh my god I haven't actually thought about anything for four years and I don't

11:42know when I would have gotten to process anything that had happened to me um if it weren't for that

11:49and we wrote all of happier than ever in that period of time so it's a COVID album I mean that's

11:53what it is the music was a completely different process than the reinventing of the look coming

11:59off of those crazy couple of years and had won those grammys that year and like my shit did not

12:05stink I don't know I just felt good but then I decided I wanted to go blonde and then I decided

12:10that I remembered that I was a girl and I was like wait I want to be other things and not just

12:15this one thing that I've been looked at as for all these years and I remember ordering my like a

12:20skirt off of Amazon I didn't have a skirt and I was like I gotta wear a skirt I don't know I was

12:25just having a lot I was dude I was 18 like I was trying to figure it out you know I'd been told

12:30that I was one thing for many years and I believed it which was definitely a lot but I think that I

12:37needed to do it I'm gonna I'm an extreme person like I need to have extreme sensation and I think

12:42that that was my way of of expressing myself in the way that I knew how which was all everything

12:51all at once you must have had a rough childhood

12:56did people ever call you things as a child dyke liar stupid pig what are you afraid of nothing

13:04are you afraid of death no why I think it was the day after I headlined Coachella we were on some

13:09management call or something I was talking to my managers and I remember one of them being like

13:12there's this opportunity but you're not gonna be available for it so we're gonna pass are you okay

13:17with that I was like well what is it and they were like well it's this show that Donald Glover is

13:23working on and it's called this and it's about that and I I I remember saying I'll drop anything

13:28like I will I that's my dream what are we talking about passing on that and then I was sent kind of

13:34the the early on script and I just thought it was the coolest thing in the world and then Donald

13:39called me and kind of explained what the show was about and explained how it was going and the

13:45things that you know whatever and he just was like yeah I was thinking about you and if you're

13:49interested there's no pressure but if you wanted to you could and I just I mean I was trying to

13:53keep it cool but I was so so excited I mean he knows it and I sound like a broken record but he

13:58was like my favorite of all I just love him so much and I always have and he's been one of my

14:04biggest idols since I was like 11 acting was something that I loved doing so much as a kid

14:12I just didn't do anything about it I just loved it but I didn't do anything also like my brother

14:15acted and he would get jobs and I wouldn't and I was annoying to me mom can I talk about your

14:22please my mother wrote a movie about a family and it was a mom and a dad and a son

14:34she starred in it and she cast her own son to play her son and I was just

14:42kicked out essentially and by the way my childhood bedroom they took everything out of it

14:50and replaced it to be the bedroom in the movie if she had had a daughter she would have been happier

14:58right right and so it would have meant a whole other thing and I wasn't good

15:03also this is the other part so basically I just I'm saying that was my villain origin story

15:07what color was the milk

15:12it was red

15:15did you hurt someone

15:16yes very good basically the whole show is surrounding this character dre which is

15:28Dominique Fishback who is like filled to the brim overflowing with talent my episode is basically

15:34she comes across this like sex cult she doesn't know what the hell is going on or what it is and

15:39it's kind of hard to tell it's not very obvious but that's kind of what's going on and I'm like

15:44the leader of it yeah we just like gaslight the shit out of her I had so much fun it was like

15:49truly like one of the best weeks of my life she was also so amazing to work with and so much of

15:55the scenes that we did was just the two of us and that was really special we shot in Atlanta

16:00and also Donald was there the first day for the first scene that we filmed and I was it was just

16:06so cool and scary and they also like changed the script like five minutes before the scene which

16:12was a lot but I did it I asked my mom she would do my acting coaching for that show and she is the

16:18reason that I did even a little bit of a good job like she she is so good I would love to do some

16:24more acting I'm kind of like embarrassed to say that but I would love to it was a very very

16:39different experience compared to no time to die it started off so casually I remember Phineas just

16:44being like would you ever like be interested in doing like the barbie like a song for the barbie

16:48movie and I remember like that sentence I was like what like huh and I had no idea what that was

16:54going to mean and you know that could go either way like what are we talking about barbie movie

16:58like what does that even mean and then I remember those paparazzi photos of Margot Robbie and Brian

17:02Gosling came out of them shooting and we were just like so excited about it and then Greta

17:06Phineas goes hey we're gonna get on a FaceTime with Greta later I was like okay okay I had like

17:12no we didn't even hadn't even really talked about it and we got on the phone with her and Mark

17:17Ronson basically just told us what they had done and they were like movies basically done it's this

17:23is what we have so far and you know this is what's going on we really want you to see it can we set

17:27up a time like whatever it was like so casual and I didn't think it was gonna really happen

17:30she set up a day for us to go to Warner Brothers and the two of us went and it was just like us

17:36in this empty theater and her literally two days away from giving birth and then a couple people

17:41from her team she showed us the work in progress movie which is basically completely done she kept

17:45being like it's not done but it I mean it was amazing it was so good I was so nervous I was

17:50like how could this possibly be good because how could anyone make a movie like this that's good

17:55and it was so so amazing I remember just like moments during the movie just looking at Phineas

18:00and being like this is good this is really good and then went home talked about it and then the

18:07next day we had a whole day of writer's block it was a whole day of creating stuff and just not

18:11coming up with a single goddamn idea and I was like all right well I guess I'm gonna go because

18:16this was a waste of a day and then as I was like getting up to leave Phineas was like do you want

18:20to try to write a Barbie song before you go I was like that's such a ridiculous ambitious thing to

18:26do like we're not gonna we can't even write any other song we're not gonna write a really good

18:30Barbie song right now and he sat down at the piano and he immediately started playing those first

18:34chords and I had the handheld mic and I was sitting on the couch and I just started

18:43and then those first couple lyrics came out and we wrote the whole song right then I mean we were

18:49just so overflowing with like inspiration from that movie and what was going on in my life and

18:56I had to fight so hard to not send it to her immediately but it wasn't good like I had the

19:00worst recording of it so I waited like two weeks and we recorded kind of a scratch vocal version

19:05of it and we were really nervous but we felt really proud of it and she basically was like

19:09I've been weeping all day I hadn't heard somebody use that word like that in a long time but the

19:15rest is kind of history I really kind of thrive when I write from some perspective that isn't

19:22my own kind of first person perspective like it can even be about my life but if I think about it

19:27from just a different angle it's a lot easier and so something that Phineas and I I think really

19:33really thrive in is writing for film and tv we have to like stop ourselves from saying yes to

19:40so many things when people are like would you write a song for this movie because I'm like

19:44I want to because I like I love writing stories it's storytelling dude I do also write songs from

19:50my own perspective and my own life and my own feeling but I think it's it's just harder to

19:54get there it's more vulnerable and you can't really wear a mask um and both are great so

20:00so

20:10the approach of making Hit Me Hard and Soft was so daunting never been more doubtful in our entire

20:16lives never one moment of like wow we did a really good job like we loved what we were making but we

20:22really were terrified also Phineas and I honestly you know when you're siblings you go through like

20:27different periods of being on the same frequency and this was a period where we were pretty out of

20:31sync not to put him like tell his business but like he was really not enjoying making music very

20:38much and that was tough for me because I was the one that didn't enjoy making music for all those

20:42years and I kind of finally was enjoying it and then he would just be like I have no I would rather

20:48be doing anything else like I want to be doing something else and I got it because that's how

20:52I used to feel and it's oh my god I was so terrified I was like oh no Phineas would remind me

20:57mostly he'd be like we don't have to put this out you know we can make it and not put it out and I

21:01think that's important to remember is that not everything you make has to be amazing and perfect

21:05because I think part of the reason it felt so scary is the fact that we were so doing exactly

21:11what we wanted to do and that can be really scary being yourself is terrifying you feel like oh

21:19they're not gonna like me if I'm myself they're not gonna I have to kind of do this or like do

21:23this and then they'll like me and you realize that it's just that you're avoiding the vulnerability

21:28of being seen and being known and I think that this album is like a really good representation

21:33of that and when I think about it it's really good kind of juxtaposition of like my life

21:37my friendships and my relationships and how I've been trying to really make an effort in being

21:44exactly who I am I kind of been saying this for years but never really doing it which is like

21:50trusting my gut and like listening to my body and it turns out that if you do what you want and if

21:57you are yourself people actually like you more it's really hard to accept that and it's scary

22:03and it's vulnerable and it means that you can have experiences that are more hurtful because

22:08it's actually you but there's more pros than there are cons I think I'm proud of myself man

22:15it's hard to process this kind of thing when it's you it's really hard to see it and see it objectively

22:20and know what it looks like to other people because you have your own experience of it I mean

22:24when I think about my life I get to do the coolest shit in the world and I didn't see it for so long

22:31and there's so many times that I really did not want my life and honestly I feel like

22:38for the first time maybe I've experienced so much joy

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