• 2 months ago
Season 6 Ep 20
Transcript
00:00Hurry!
00:02Time is money!
00:16Time is money!
00:27Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who can stone my heart as much as you
00:44Let's take each other's hand and jump into the final frontier
00:58Okay, Mabel, let me ask you.
01:00She's your mother, so you know her.
01:02Which do you think she would rather have for Mother's Day?
01:05Choice A, a lovely scarf, see?
01:09Which she can wear about the neck.
01:11And when she gets older, about the head.
01:17All right, sure.
01:18Or, potential gift number two, nut clusters.
01:22Okay, you know what?
01:26You know, you're really not helping much here.
01:29And need I remind you that both our names are going to be on this gift,
01:32so you might want to shape up, my little pal.
01:34Yeah.
01:36Hey, Paulie, James home?
01:38Uh, no, she and Fran went to Nike Town.
01:40Great.
01:41Marvin, bring it in.
01:42Bring, bring what in?
01:44It's my Mother's Day gift for James.
01:46I brought it today because I'm working on Sunday.
01:48A rocking chair?
01:49Yes.
01:50That's a great present.
01:52I know, she can sit, she can rock.
01:54Look at this.
01:55She can hold Mabel, and she can rock her to sleep, and she can sing to her.
01:58She can sing, of course.
01:59That's right, Old MacDonald, Farmer and Adele, Do You Know The Muffin Man.
02:02Yeah, I get it, all songs would work with a chair.
02:04This is, this is a great present.
02:07Well, thank you.
02:08You know what this means, don't you?
02:09What?
02:10My wife is getting a better Mother's Day present from you than she is from me.
02:13Why, what are you giving her?
02:15Nut clusters.
02:17Nut clusters?
02:18Or a scarf.
02:19Anything else?
02:20Maybe nut clusters and a scarf.
02:23I know what you're doing, you're keeping the standards low.
02:26That way next year Mother's Day rolls around and you get her like a pizza or something, you're a big star.
02:31Okay, here's what's going to happen.
02:33I'm giving her the rocking chair.
02:35What's the matter with you?
02:37I'm giving her, please, come on, let me give her the rocking, it's such a great present.
02:40Paulie, please.
02:41Listen, I'll give her the rocking chair, you can give her the scarf,
02:44and then you keep the nut clusters for yourself, I know how much you like them,
02:47and everybody walks away happy, you would do that, you would steal my thunder like that.
02:51Yeah.
02:53That hurts, Paulie.
02:54Oh, come on, she's my wife and I've been racking my brains, I'm totally out of ideas now.
02:59Oh, Paul, ye of little imagination.
03:03What's that?
03:04Mother's Day offers the imaginative man a wealth of possibilities.
03:08Listen to him, Paulie, when it comes to Mother's Day, Marvin is the champ.
03:11All right, champ.
03:12I'm serious, tell him what you're doing for your mom.
03:15You know those giant video screens in Times Square, about a block high?
03:18It's amazing.
03:19I'm having a Mother's Day message displayed for her there.
03:22It'll be dazzling and special and she'll love it.
03:27Okay, I'm giving Jamie the video screen message.
03:30No way.
03:31Yes, I am.
03:32Come on, listen, I'll give you the rocking chair, you can give it to your mother,
03:34you give Jamie the scarf, and then you guys split the nut clusters and everybody walks away happy.
03:37Now, wait a minute.
03:38I don't even like nut clusters.
03:39I'll eat the nut clusters, all right, I'll eat the nut clusters and I'll return the scarf,
03:42we'll both have a little message up on the Times Square board,
03:44you can give Jamie the rocking chair like you want and everybody walks away happy.
03:46Not everybody.
03:47Yeah, but I do.
03:52What do you think of this?
03:53What?
03:54To Jamie, you're some kind of mom.
03:56Is he like that?
03:57Or do you think maybe she'd be wondering, you know,
03:59okay, I'm some kind of mom, but maybe he doesn't know what kind.
04:02I can't imagine anybody taking it that way.
04:04What do you think, Marvin?
04:05You stole my idea.
04:07Don't be like that, Marvin.
04:10Why don't you have some joy in your heart that you reached out and you helped your brother?
04:13Drop dead.
04:14If you can.
04:15You're some kind of mom.
04:17Did a light bulb appear above your head before you thought of that one?
04:21What are you putting up there, Big Shot?
04:23Oh, wouldn't you like to know?
04:25Well, if you're going to mock me, I'd like to see.
04:28Okay, just so you know what true artistry is.
04:31Look at this.
04:32Next, please.
04:33Next, please.
04:34Is there anything purer than your sweet love in earth beneath or sky above?
04:40What?
04:41No, nothing.
04:42What?
04:43It's a little schmaltzy, no?
04:45No.
04:46Hey, hey, hey, easy, easy.
04:47Okay.
04:48That's all he needs is criticism from the author of You're Some Kind of Mom.
04:51All right, Marvin.
04:53What else have you written, Paul?
04:55Get well soon?
04:56Let's keep reading.
04:57What do we got?
04:58No sunset has your warmth.
05:00No ocean has your depth.
05:02You hold me when I ache.
05:04You stroke me when I wept.
05:09What?
05:12Wept?
05:14What about it?
05:16Nothing.
05:17Always thinking of your milky skin.
05:22Your raspy little laugh.
05:24The time we talk till dawn.
05:27This is your actual biological mother?
05:30Read the ending.
05:31Oh, oh, so sweet, so coy, so sassy.
05:34I'll always love you, my beautiful Cassie.
05:38Cassie's my mother.
05:41Of course she is.
05:42Okay.
05:43And then after they show the message, I'm going to have them scan in a picture of her.
05:47I'm going to do that.
05:48That's a great idea, Marvin.
05:49Thank you for that idea.
05:50Next, please.
05:52Hi, how are you?
05:53Here's what I've come up with so far.
05:55It's to my wife.
05:56To Jamie, you're some kind of mom.
05:58What do you think of that?
05:59Is that not good?
06:00What kind of mom?
06:01Is that good?
06:02You like that?
06:03It's the best one we've ever had.
06:10Well, isn't this lovely?
06:13Maybe you hear what I'm doing for Jamie.
06:15What?
06:16At exactly 7.37, I'm going to take her up to the Marriott Marquis,
06:19and we're going to look out the window,
06:20and she's going to see this huge, gigantic Mother's Day greeting
06:23that I wrote up on the Times Square screen.
06:26Wow, you are really pulling out all the stops.
06:29You should know, because I'm still using the bath powder you gave me last year.
06:35Ma, you know, don't you, there's a big surprise for you, too.
06:39Listen, me?
06:40Yeah.
06:41I don't need a fuss.
06:42I've had them ashamed to tell you how many Mother's Days there are.
06:45You're kidding.
06:46What kind of surprise?
06:47What's that?
06:48What kind of surprise?
06:50A present.
06:51A big, very thoughtful present.
06:53And a card.
06:54A card and a present together with a card.
06:55One second.
06:57I've got a big problem.
06:58I forgot to get Mom a present.
06:59Oh.
07:00I was so busy with the Jamie stuff, I totally slipped my mind.
07:02Did you get her anything?
07:03Yeah.
07:04Okay, make it from both of us.
07:05No.
07:06Oh, come on, why not?
07:07No, because it's not the kind of thing...
07:08Oh, Debbie, please, please.
07:09Come on, Debbie, please.
07:10What?
07:11Okay.
07:12Ma, you remember last week when I took you to see the Scarlet Pimpernel?
07:15Yeah.
07:16Yeah, well, that was from Paul, too.
07:23Told you.
07:26I'm sorry, Ma.
07:27It's just, in my myopia, I forgot.
07:30Fine.
07:31In my myopia, I'm saying.
07:32Paul, please, it's nothing.
07:35Really?
07:36Nothing.
07:38She says it's nothing, but in fact...
07:40It's something.
07:41Yeah.
07:43Now, hold the calendar a little higher.
07:45Point to the date.
07:47What's the matter with this damn thing?
07:49Oh, gosh.
07:50Are you okay?
07:51Hey, how are you?
07:52Jamie Buckman?
07:53Uh, no, but...
07:54You know what?
07:55I don't care who you are.
07:56Okay.
07:57Here you go.
07:58Klondike Pete.
07:59Yeah, well, you don't care who I am.
08:00There you go.
08:03More flowers for you.
08:04Oh, for Mark and Fred.
08:06Oh, that's sweet.
08:07Isn't that nice?
08:08I put this with the other 743,000 flowers.
08:10Ah, how nice.
08:12Ma.
08:13I'm saying, how nice.
08:15Okay, I think we should open some presents.
08:17Yeah, that's a good idea.
08:18Opening presents.
08:19Oh, what a lovely-looking rocking chair.
08:22Yeah.
08:23Good idea.
08:24We'll start with something big.
08:25No, Deb, don't start that.
08:26You know, I think maybe there's something here for you, Deb.
08:28Oh, from Ira.
08:29With love to my favorite mother, Jamie.
08:32Hi.
08:33Oh, my God.
08:34Oh, my God.
08:47Cake?
08:48Yeah, cake.
08:49Cake!
08:50Come on in.
08:51Come on, Jamie.
08:52It's cake.
08:53Cake for all the mothers.
08:54Cake.
08:55Cake.
09:23Help me!
09:25Oh, my God!
09:26Sylvia!
09:27Are you okay?
09:28I've broken a leg.
09:29Oh, are you sure?
09:30Oh, it's definitely broken.
09:31All right, Sylvia, don't move.
09:32I'm gonna call an ambulance.
09:33Oh, no, no, please, dear.
09:35Finish your cake.
09:37Then we'll worry about me.
09:46How do you feel, Ma?
09:47I'm fine, thank you.
09:49Don't be so concerned.
09:50It's only a limb.
09:51Oh, Ma.
09:53You know what's really killing me?
09:55The cling.
09:56The what?
09:57The static cling.
09:59My pants are clinging to the sheets.
10:01It's driving me crazy.
10:04God bless you, Sylvia.
10:05Worried about static cling at a time like this?
10:07Oh, do me a favor.
10:08Get me the static guard.
10:09It's in my purse.
10:10Thank you, dear.
10:11Sure, Ma.
10:12Oh, you poor thing.
10:13I feel so terrible that this happened.
10:15All I can say is better me than you.
10:19Call the doctor.
10:20Mrs. Buckman.
10:21Hi, I'm Dr. Hill.
10:22Doctor, thank goodness.
10:24Let's take a look, shall we?
10:25Yes.
10:26Ah!
10:29Mrs. Buckman.
10:30You do what you have to do.
10:31Okay.
10:32Ah.
10:33Oh, boy, Mom's got some grip, huh?
10:35How would you describe the pain?
10:36Like a squeezing sensation.
10:38I can't even feel the pinky.
10:41It's so...
10:42Your mom's pain?
10:43Of course.
10:44It's unrelenting and severe.
10:47Oh, my little girl.
10:50Bed there?
10:51Oh, my God.
10:53You go, oh, I had to do it.
10:55You're a very brave woman, Mrs. Buckman.
10:58I know.
10:59All right, I want to send you over for a couple of x-rays,
11:02just in case.
11:03Oh, my God.
11:04Why don't you all meet her back here in about 25 minutes?
11:07Okay.
11:08Okay.
11:09Bye, Mom.
11:10We love you.
11:11We'll see you shortly, sweetheart.
11:12Courage, Sylvia.
11:13Best mom in the world.
11:15That's what you are.
11:16I'd wait.
11:17Best mom in the world.
11:18That's what you are.
11:19I'd wave, except for the pain.
11:21Okay.
11:22Those darn Amish.
11:23Amish?
11:24Well, they invented the rocking chair, didn't they?
11:26Oh, I don't think it was them.
11:27I forgot my coat.
11:28I'll meet you down there.
11:29They invented the shoe horn years ago.
11:42Hi, Sylvia.
11:45I was, uh, you know, I was just testing it out.
11:50How'd that go for you?
11:52Oh, fine.
11:53It's fine.
11:54Responded well, the leg?
11:56Surprisingly well, yes.
11:58Sylvia, you didn't actually hurt your leg, did you?
12:00Sure I did.
12:01Sylvia?
12:02Well, for your information, even as we speak,
12:05I am in the midst of wave upon wave of searing pain.
12:10Sylvia?
12:11I mean, walk a mile in my shoes before you judge.
12:14Not that you could in my condition.
12:18Sylvia?
12:19All right.
12:20I didn't, I didn't hurt my leg.
12:23I mean, you have one baby, and suddenly I'm nothing.
12:26What?
12:27I mean, it's not that I regret you
12:29the outpouring of love from your family.
12:31No, of course not.
12:32Except when it comes at my expense.
12:35I understand.
12:36I'm so ashamed.
12:38Oh, no, Sylvia, don't be.
12:39No, I'm ashamed.
12:40No, don't be.
12:41I'm telling you I'm ashamed.
12:42Be ashamed, be ashamed, be ashamed.
12:44I mean, for God's sake, someone says they're ashamed,
12:46let them be ashamed.
12:48Shut it and think of the weakness of character
12:52that I have shown.
12:54Sylvia.
12:55You won't tell anyone, will you?
12:56No, of course not.
12:58Because I would die of the humiliation.
12:59I won't tell them.
13:00You know what's gonna happen?
13:01They'll take the x-rays, they'll be negative,
13:03I'll limp around a little, I'll get a little better,
13:05and then it'll be like our little secret.
13:07I promise.
13:10You're welcome.
13:12You're a good girl.
13:16Maybe I should have given you
13:18a fairer shake all these years.
13:21Boy, Sylvia, that's such a thing.
13:23Yeah, you're right, what's done is done.
13:40Boss.
13:41Marvin, what are you doing here?
13:43It's only a half an hour until your Times Square message.
13:45Cassie and I just had a fight.
13:47Cassie?
13:48My mother.
13:49Oh, yeah.
13:50A fight? About what?
13:52She got real flirty with the taxi driver.
13:54I hate when she does that.
13:55Oh.
13:56And I told her so.
13:57I said, how do you think that makes me feel?
13:59One thing led to another.
14:00She said she didn't need this crap.
14:02She got out of the cab and rushed home.
14:05Wow.
14:06Women.
14:08Yeah, yeah.
14:09They just don't get it.
14:10No, you know what?
14:11They really don't.
14:13But it hurts so much.
14:15Hey, Marvin.
14:16We've all been there, you know?
14:18Well, sort of.
14:21Hey, boss, will you do me a favor?
14:23Will you talk to her?
14:24Me?
14:25Yeah, just tell her how bad I feel
14:28and how much I love her
14:29and ask her if she'll ever see me again.
14:31Marvin, I don't want to meddle in family business.
14:34But I feel so empty without her.
14:37The air is a dusty gray.
14:40Food has no taste.
14:42And sleep is just a shallow, sarcastic illusion.
14:46You haven't even been to sleep yet.
14:48I'm predicting.
14:49All right, Marvin.
14:50All right, look.
14:51I will go.
14:52I will talk to her.
14:53You take care of this, okay?
14:54I will.
14:55Okay.
14:57And tell Cassie that I love her.
14:59Cassie?
15:00My mother.
15:01Yeah.
15:07Mom?
15:09Hi.
15:10All you people, you walk so quietly.
15:14Well, somebody seems to be feeling a little better.
15:16Oh, I only wish the X-ray girl noticed
15:20that my polish was chipping,
15:22so I fought through the pain.
15:23Ah.
15:25You fought through the pain to polish your toenails?
15:27Boss, when a woman's in pain,
15:29she needs to feel pretty.
15:30Yes.
15:32So it doesn't hurt your leg to bend it like that?
15:35Well, I'm obviously in shock.
15:37Wait a minute, Mom.
15:39Wasn't it the other leg that you hurt?
15:41Deb, I'm sure Sylvia knows which leg she hurt.
15:44No, but you know what?
15:45She's right, because when we found you,
15:47you were on your right side, remember?
15:49You fell on your right side,
15:50which means you would have broken your right leg.
15:51You don't know that.
15:52How else would that have happened?
15:54Maybe she bounced.
15:57She bounced from her left side over to her right side?
15:59Maybe.
16:00You know, come to think of it,
16:02how did you catapult out of that chair anyway, Ma?
16:05Well, I...
16:06Debbie, clearly,
16:07she lost control of the chair.
16:10Lost control.
16:11What is it, a Lamborghini now?
16:14She lost control of the chair.
16:16She was rocking excitedly,
16:18and she lost control.
16:20She catapulted herself out of the chair
16:22and onto the floor,
16:24landing on and severely injuring her left leg,
16:27whereupon she, you know, apparently bounced,
16:31coming to land on her right side.
16:33Is that right, Sylvia?
16:35Uh-huh, uh-huh.
16:37See?
16:38Yeah.
16:40What?
16:41Nothing.
16:42I just, I find it hard to believe
16:43that my mother would just bounce over like that.
16:46My God.
16:47My God, my God.
16:48What are you saying, then?
16:49Are you saying that she, what,
16:50she faked an injury?
16:51Why, what?
16:52And why?
16:53Was she to get attention?
16:54Is that what you're saying?
16:55No.
16:56No, of course not.
16:57Then come on, apologize to your mother.
16:58No, we weren't saying anything.
16:59Apologize to your mother.
17:01I'm sorry, Mom.
17:02No, we really, we were very thoughtless.
17:04Thoughtless, thoughtless, thoughtless.
17:07Jeez.
17:08I can only hope that my children have more respect
17:10if I ever injured myself on Mother's Day.
17:12Jamie.
17:13Yeah.
17:16I think I've made my point.
17:18Well, Mrs. Buckman,
17:19your fibula and your tibia are integrated,
17:22longitudinally aligned,
17:23and still articulating in concert with your femur.
17:26What?
17:27You're fine.
17:29Nice surprise.
17:31But considering the pain that you are clearly in,
17:34something is probably amiss,
17:35and we really should immobilize the leg.
17:37Immobilize?
17:39The cast should stay on for six to eight weeks,
17:41and then we'll take it from there, all right?
17:43Good.
17:44A cast, really?
17:46This is the price you pay
17:48when you take a horrible spill.
17:53Okay.
17:54In a moment, someone will be in to wheel you up to orthopedics.
17:57Why don't you guys meet her up there?
17:58Okay.
17:59Great.
18:01Okay, good, thank you.
18:02Hold tight, buttercup.
18:03See you out there, Ma.
18:04Oh, what a good Ma.
18:06Ma.
18:07All right.
18:12I can't believe I just did that.
18:14I accused my own mother of faking an injury.
18:16I know, sweetie.
18:17We've all had a tough day.
18:18Oh, and on Mother's Day, I would...
18:19Oh!
18:20What?
18:21Now we're gonna miss your Mother's Day surprise.
18:23Why?
18:24Because it's...
18:25It's cross town, and we gotta be there in, like, just a minute.
18:27Well, can't we make it if we hurry?
18:29Maybe, but don't you think we should be here for Mom?
18:32I think we can go.
18:38Did you talk to her?
18:40Yes, Marvin, I did.
18:41And?
18:42And she is a very lovely lady.
18:44And?
18:45Really lovely.
18:46And I must say, attractive and youthful.
18:48And?
18:49And I told her what you said.
18:51And?
18:52And she forgives you.
18:53Really?
18:54Yes.
18:55Wow.
18:56Thank you, boss.
18:58No problem.
18:59Thank you so much.
19:00Listen, do me a favor, will you?
19:01If you don't mind, stick around till closing and lock up for me.
19:03Why?
19:04Oh, nothing.
19:05You know, I got a little date.
19:08With who?
19:09Cheryl?
19:10Uh, no.
19:11Molly?
19:12Uh, no.
19:13Rebecca?
19:15No.
19:17Sarah?
19:19No.
19:21Oh, God.
19:22Marvin.
19:23You're going on a date with my mother.
19:25It is not a date.
19:27Where are you taking her?
19:29Actually, we were thinking of staying in.
19:30Boo!
19:39What it is, it's just the tallest, most elaborate Mother's Day card ever.
19:43Oops, I'm sorry.
19:44Just hope we didn't miss it.
19:48Ah, now you know what happens...
19:49Maybe it's after this lame one.
19:52You're some kind of mom.
19:54Bet a light bulb really went off over that guy's head.
19:59Yeah, that is lame, huh?
20:01It's not even clear.
20:02What is that?
20:03Some kind of mom?
20:04Like, what kind of mom is she, Guy?
20:07I don't know that anybody would be thinking that.
20:10Oh, whatever.
20:11So I guess we missed...
20:12Oh, honey.
20:13What?
20:14Is there anything purer than your sweet love
20:17in earth beneath or sky above?
20:21No sunset has your warmth.
20:24No ocean has your depth.
20:26You hold me when I ache.
20:28You stroke me when I whip.
20:34Honey, is that your message to me?
20:38Yes, it is.
20:42Oop!
20:47Just...
20:52You really know me.
20:55If not me, then who?
21:18And then she told me that she never really loved me.
21:23And then she held me one more time.
21:26And then she opened the door and she just left.
21:31And she just walked right out of my life
21:33and she's never coming back again.
21:37And I'm never, ever gonna see your mother ever again.
21:43I'm sorry, boss.
21:45I really am.
21:48So...
21:49She's available.
21:53You're fired.
22:17You're fired.