Season 5 Episode 7
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00-♪♪
00:09-♪♪
00:11J.P. Morgan.
00:14-♪♪
00:25-♪ Tell me why I love you like I do ♪
00:29♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you do ♪
00:34♪ Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier ♪
00:40♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
00:42-♪♪
00:45-♪♪
00:47That's what I like to hear in a checkup.
00:49The pregnancy's going very well.
00:51I could've just told you about this one on the phone.
00:53You didn't need to come.
00:54That's all right.
00:55I like coming with you.
00:56Makes me feel like I'm part of this thing.
00:59Don't you anyway?
01:00I, well, frankly, sometimes you and the baby
01:02get a little cliquish.
01:04-♪♪
01:07What?
01:08You know what you're getting?
01:10The glow.
01:11You're getting that pregnant woman glow.
01:14I am?
01:15Yeah, I think tonight I may read by you.
01:16-♪♪
01:18I'm getting more than the glow.
01:20Pretty soon, we have to start telling people.
01:22We will.
01:23When?
01:25We said, you know, a couple of months.
01:27Yeah, a couple of months ago.
01:29Then I guess now.
01:31Really? We're telling people?
01:33Oh, I don't know.
01:35Are we?
01:40We're having a baby.
01:41-♪♪
01:43Well, congratulations.
01:46I guess we are.
01:47-♪♪
01:52Oh, let it go.
01:53She's a total stranger.
01:55Yeah, but you don't know that.
01:56She could know somebody we know.
01:58It's like the Kevin Bacon game.
02:00What is that?
02:01You drink a shot every time he does something?
02:03No, that's Bob Newhart.
02:05Kevin Bacon.
02:08Kevin Bacon.
02:09The game is you could connect any movie star
02:10to Kevin Bacon in three steps.
02:12Like Robin Williams.
02:13Robin Williams was in Garp with John Lithgow,
02:15who was in Footloose with Kevin Bacon.
02:19Marlon Brando.
02:20Marlon Brando was in Superman with Ned Beatty,
02:23who did Deliverance with Burt Reynolds,
02:25who made Strip Teeth with Demi Moore,
02:27who did A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon.
02:31You have too much time on your hands.
02:33The point is, if Marlon Brando
02:34is four steps away from Kevin Bacon,
02:36that woman could know somebody that we know.
02:39They get to talking.
02:40They realize they both know us.
02:41She tells them we're pregnant.
02:42Boom. Our secret is blown.
02:44I'll risk it.
02:46Maybe I'm just upset
02:47because you got to tell the first person.
02:49You know what?
02:50I'll call somebody.
02:51I'll feel better.
02:53No, no, no, no, no.
02:54You can't just start calling people up.
02:55Why not?
02:56Because people are very funny
02:57about this sort of thing.
02:58Do you remember when your mom found out
02:59she wasn't the first person
03:00to hear about our engagement?
03:02That was a rough couple of years.
03:03You have to handle this very carefully,
03:07or there could be a lot of hurt feelings.
03:08I can't believe we got all this food for one meal.
03:12It's Thanksgiving.
03:13Hey, it's Thanksgiving.
03:14Everybody's gonna be over here anyway.
03:15Why don't we just tell them then?
03:16See?
03:17Now you're thinking.
03:18That's very clever.
03:19Nobody gets hurt.
03:20Exactly.
03:21Why Kevin Bacon?
03:22Kevin Bacon.
03:23Anyway.
03:24Oh, apparently they tried it with Mickey Rourke.
03:26It didn't take.
03:27Oh, by the way, Pauly,
03:33I'm not gonna be able to make it to Thanksgiving.
03:35Why not?
03:38I have a date.
03:39On Thanksgiving?
03:40Yeah.
03:41What, that makes me a pervert?
03:42No, I'm not judging.
03:46It's just...
03:47Bring her along.
03:48Well, yeah, we got a big night planned, Pauly.
03:50We got the honeymoon suite at the Pierre.
03:53Can you get out of it?
03:54Yeah, I could, if I was an idiot.
04:00It's just that it would mean a lot to Jamie and me.
04:03Yeah?
04:04Why?
04:05Well, you know, it's Thanksgiving.
04:07So what?
04:08Pauly, you've had like 80 Thanksgivings in a row.
04:10Yeah, well, maybe there's a reason
04:13that this one's gonna be special.
04:15Oh, yeah?
04:16Your family gonna be there?
04:17Sure.
04:18You're gonna have turkey?
04:19Yeah.
04:20Well, you're right.
04:21That does sound special.
04:24Maybe there's some reason you don't want to miss this one.
04:27Yeah, what kind of reason?
04:30No reason, no reason.
04:31Just...
04:32You know what?
04:33Come, don't come.
04:34I don't really care.
04:35Wait a minute.
04:36Wait a minute.
04:37Wait a minute.
04:38You know what's strange?
04:39Yeah, having a date on Thanksgiving.
04:40For a year, you and James have talked about nothing
04:43but trying to have a kid.
04:44And then suddenly, you stop talking about it altogether,
04:47and now there's some special reason?
04:49So?
04:50Well...
04:51What?
04:52Please.
04:53What?
04:54Now, just say it.
04:55Say no.
04:56Now, come on.
04:57Say what?
04:58James and I...
04:59We're having Thanksgiving.
05:00...are pregnant.
05:01No, we're not.
05:02Pregnant.
05:03No.
05:04No, we're not.
05:05Pregnant.
05:06Yes, yes.
05:07Okay, we're pregnant.
05:09Now, listen to me.
05:10You cannot tell anybody about this.
05:11If Jamie finds out that I told you,
05:12I swear my kid will only know me through stories.
05:13Why?
05:14It's a big deal.
05:15You're gonna tell people, aren't you?
05:17I'm gonna tell them where it's supposed to.
05:18Information?
05:19What information?
05:20That the, uh, the Pierre
05:21is having a big Thanksgiving thing.
05:22Oh.
05:26You called Fran?
05:27I called Fran.
05:28All right.
05:29This is gonna be such a relief.
05:30I don't know how much longer
05:31either one of us could keep this a secret.
05:33Yeah, well, it's the worst with your mom.
05:35Eh, most things are.
05:36No, no, no.
05:37She's relentless.
05:38I just have to avoid her until the news is out.
05:40Well, you know, if you did crack and tell one person,
05:42I would... I would really understand.
05:44I don't know. I won't.
05:46No, but, I mean, I-I really...
05:47I wouldn't even be mad.
05:48It's not an issue.
05:49All right.
05:50Well, just so you know.
05:51And, like, you know,
05:53I'm sure if I slipped and told somebody,
05:54I'm sure you would understand.
05:57You didn't?
05:58No, no, no.
05:59Good.
06:03Maybe, Ira.
06:04Paul!
06:05I didn't mean...
06:06You weren't there.
06:07He was all over me.
06:08I'm tell...
06:09It wasn't human.
06:10Okay, so figure by now
06:13Ira's told Bert,
06:14who, God forbid,
06:15has told Sylvia,
06:16who's probably told Debbie.
06:17Told her boss,
06:18whose cousin is Meryl Streep,
06:19who was in the River Wild
06:20with Kevin Bacon.
06:21Kevin Bacon.
06:28Hey, Ira.
06:29Hey.
06:30Uh, Jamie and I have something to ask you.
06:32If you tell a single soul,
06:33I'll kill you.
06:34Really more of a statement, actually.
06:36What are you talking about?
06:37Paul told me he told you.
06:39Told me what?
06:40It's okay.
06:41It's okay.
06:42She knows.
06:43Knows what?
06:44Ira, I know you know I'm pregnant.
06:47James!
06:48You're pregnant?
06:49Congratulations!
06:52Thank you very much.
06:53So you haven't told anyone?
06:54Hey, did I just prove nothing to you?
06:57Not a very good point there.
06:58Really? No one?
06:59No one.
07:00Well, in the interest of total honesty,
07:02I-I did tell one guy.
07:04Oh, my God, who?
07:05Relax.
07:06He's completely outside your sphere.
07:07Who did you tell?
07:10What, the guy who cuts my hair on the corner?
07:12Arturo?
07:13Yeah.
07:14How'd you know?
07:15I recommended him to you!
07:18Whoops.
07:20What are you doing going at Jamie's guy?
07:22What? He's a magician. Feel this.
07:23I don't want to feel it.
07:25Oh, my God.
07:26Lisa recommended him to me.
07:28James, let the information flow naturally.
07:31We're all adults here.
07:32Yeah, right.
07:33No, we're adults,
07:34and you're a big, stupid, secret-telling baby.
07:36Would you come with me?
07:37No.
07:40So she's telling me how much her husband loves her,
07:42and I just get through cutting his girlfriend's hair.
07:44Arturo! Jamie!
07:46Whatever you do, don't say anything.
07:48Oh, my God.
07:49Lisa.
07:50You guys even get your hair cut together?
07:52That's so codependent.
07:53Jamie.
07:54Ida was talking all about you this morning, huh?
07:57Really? What'd he say?
07:58Um, do you think that we could talk to you just for a minute?
08:00Sure. Listen, when are you...
08:02Somewhere private? Please? Maybe?
08:04Jamie, if this is about you dyeing your hair,
08:06I already know.
08:08I don't dye my hair.
08:10Okay.
08:12Jamie, you don't know anything.
08:14Hey, Arturo, you know what has always fascinated me
08:17is the ethics of a beauty parlor.
08:19Mm.
08:20You know, I would imagine you have very strict rules
08:22about, you know, not repeating something
08:24you hear from one client to another.
08:26Are you kidding?
08:27That's the only thing that keeps me from shooting myself.
08:29Let's say the people whom the thing was about
08:32came in and specifically asked you not to.
08:36Ah, this is about you two having that baby.
08:41What?
08:43Oh, my God. That is so wonderful.
08:46Oh, my God. Good boy!
08:50Listen, listen, the only reason Arturo knew before you
08:52was because Ira happened...
08:53You know what? It doesn't even matter.
08:54Please, don't even give it a second thought.
08:57Hold it!
08:58Ira knew before I did?
09:01Yes.
09:02You guys blow.
09:04You have to do me a favor.
09:05You have to promise not to tell this news to anyone.
09:07Yeah, okay.
09:08No, I mean it.
09:09Seriously.
09:10What? I can keep a secret.
09:13Did you know that Sanford wet his bed up until college?
09:15No, because I can keep a secret.
09:18Lisa, you are going to have to grow as a person here.
09:23You can't tell a soul. Promise me.
09:27Okay, I promise. Thank you.
09:31Did you... Excuse me.
09:33Did you tell anybody?
09:35I think I said something to the guy that came in after Ira.
09:37He was a car salesman.
09:39Do you remember anything else about him?
09:41His scalp was very dry.
09:43Do you remember anything about him not pertaining to his hair?
09:46His name?
09:47Yes.
09:48Mel Slotkin.
09:49Mel Slotkin.
09:50Mel Slotkin.
09:51Do we know any car salesman named Mel Slotkin?
09:53No.
09:54All right, so you know what?
09:55We'll let that one go.
09:56Hey, who does your hair?
09:58My... Why?
09:59Hey!
10:01Gotta go.
10:02Did you... Just Sanford?
10:04Did you tell him?
10:06Uh-huh.
10:07What, do you hold out for ten seconds?
10:09I couldn't help it.
10:11Well, call him back.
10:13You see this, Moose?
10:14You put this in, it disappear.
10:16No one knows you wear it.
10:17It makes you look handsome.
10:18People don't know why.
10:20Hey, honey, listen.
10:22You can't say a word about what I just told you, okay?
10:24Don't...
10:25Oh, my God.
10:26That is so sweet.
10:28Okay, guess what Sanford just did?
10:30What?
10:31Well, he called this Muzak station he listens to,
10:34you know, W-D-E-D,
10:35and he dedicated a song to you.
10:37Oh, God, to us?
10:38Yeah.
10:39You're Having My Baby
10:40to Paul and Jamie Buckman.
10:42Great, so now only people with electricity will know.
10:45Yeah, not to mention they have to listen
10:47to You're Having My Baby.
10:48You know what? Give me that.
10:49I'm gonna call the station and stop it.
10:51You probably won't get through.
10:52It's five blocks away.
10:53I can be there in five minutes.
10:54Godspeed, woman.
10:57Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
10:58Wait, wait, wait!
10:59James?
11:01For God's sake.
11:03Oh, I missed you.
11:09And now here's an old favorite of mine,
11:11and you know what it always means when we play it.
11:14Having my baby
11:18What a lovely way of saying
11:20What you're thinking of me
11:24I can see it
11:27Faces glowing
11:29Fran, we'll get together right now.
11:31I know. You're too busy.
11:32You've been meaning to call.
11:33There's no time.
11:34Look, if you're tired of me,
11:35then just do the you-may-thing.
11:37Cut me loose right now.
11:38Fran, you're my friend.
11:39You're my best friend,
11:40but right now I've got to go.
11:41I'm sorry.
11:44I can see it
11:47Faces glowing
11:48Hey, hello?
11:50Hello?
11:51I can see it
11:53Faces glowing
11:57Having my baby
12:00You're the one I love
12:06Having my baby
12:08That's You're Having My Baby
12:10going out to Paul and Jamie Buckman
12:12from Santa Teresa.
12:14Congratulations.
12:24Hiya, Pop.
12:26Hi.
12:28What did you do to your hair?
12:30You like it?
12:32Well...
12:33Do you think I'm handsome,
12:34but you don't know why?
12:38Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
12:41Hey!
12:42Do you want to play poker tonight?
12:44Tonight?
12:45Oh, you know what, Poppy?
12:46I can't.
12:47Are you still playing with the same guys?
12:48Yeah, you know,
12:49same as usual.
12:50Miller, Brian, Slotkin, Campanella.
12:52Slotkin?
12:53Yeah, Mel Slotkin.
12:54Oh, he's a cheater.
12:57Mel Slotkin?
12:58Does he have dry scalp?
13:00Oh, I know.
13:02Oh, but I don't know.
13:03He's just a crooked car dealer
13:04who wormed his way into our game.
13:06He's a car dealer?
13:07Yeah.
13:08You know what?
13:09Good, good, good.
13:14Hey, shut up.
13:15Ira, who's watching the register?
13:17There's nobody here, Uncle Bert.
13:19Well, why don't you just put out the
13:20please-rob-me sign?
13:24Hey, Paulie,
13:25James get the flowers I sent?
13:27You sent her flowers?
13:29Yeah.
13:30To the apartment?
13:31Yeah, wait till you see the card.
13:32It's a little blue and pink and baby moves.
13:34Hey, Debbie is in the apartment right now making pies.
13:36So what?
13:37Just read the card.
13:38She'll know.
13:39Paulie, won't you just give it up?
13:41This is like a virus.
13:42The information is spreading all over the place.
13:44You know, there's a monkey in Africa
13:46who knows you're pregnant.
13:52Hi.
13:53Oh, Paul.
13:54Make fun of my hair, I'll slap you.
13:56No, it's good.
13:58Yeah, all right, good, whatever.
13:59Did we get any package come for Jamie or me?
14:02No, you were expecting something?
14:03Uh, no.
14:04Then why...
14:05Oh, just because we get packages constantly.
14:07Literally.
14:08Like the phrase, did anything come?
14:09That's pretty much replaced hello around here.
14:12Paul, you all right?
14:13Yes, yes.
14:14Yeah.
14:15I just had a little pre-Thanksgiving stress.
14:18I'm fine.
14:19Why?
14:20Hello?
14:21How could you?
14:22Could I what?
14:23What?
14:24You two are having a baby and you didn't tell me?
14:27Oh, gee, uh,
14:29Teresa, um, I'm so sorry.
14:32Sorry everyone.
14:34How long have you known?
14:35Um, three.
14:37Months!
14:38Yes.
14:39Are you telling me that all the time,
14:41my marriage was crumbling,
14:43you knew this and you didn't even bother to tell me?
14:46I, you know...
14:48It's all right.
14:49It was rather enjoyable hearing about it on the radio.
14:52Again, I can only apologize about that.
14:55My little girl is having a baby.
14:58Oh!
14:59Yes.
15:00Do you know what that makes me?
15:01Yeah, that makes you, um,
15:03one of those women people.
15:06Say the word.
15:07I don't mind.
15:08In fact, I want to hear it.
15:09I want to hear it.
15:10Say it, Paul.
15:11What word?
15:12Well, you know.
15:13Well, it makes you a...
15:16There's a pie.
15:17You know what?
15:18I gotta go.
15:19Okay, bye.
15:20Paul, what was that about?
15:22That was nothing.
15:23Nothing?
15:24It was nothing.
15:25None of your business.
15:26You're not gonna tell me?
15:27No.
15:28How can you not tell me?
15:29Because when you need to know, you'll know.
15:31Fine.
15:32Fine.
15:33That's the way you're gonna be?
15:34That's fine.
15:35Hey, Deb, I'm a big boy now.
15:36If I have a secret I don't want to tell you,
15:38you can't make me.
15:39Fine.
15:40But sisters whose brothers keep secrets from them
15:43don't help with the Thanksgiving pies.
15:46I didn't know that was a rule.
15:48Hello.
15:49Yes.
15:50Excuse me.
15:51I believe these are yours.
15:53I got it.
15:54Okay.
15:55Would you please have your delivery people
15:56be more precise in future?
15:57This exact same thing happened in 1991
15:59with that muffin basket.
16:00Sorry about that.
16:01Give me the card.
16:02Give me that card.
16:03Debbie, give it to me.
16:04What a wonderful role model
16:05you're going to be for this child.
16:06Child?
16:07I'm afraid so.
16:11I swear you and Ira are the only ones who know.
16:15And her.
16:18Two things.
16:19One, congratulations, Paulie.
16:21This is wonderful news.
16:22I'm so happy I could cry.
16:25Two, you're a son of a bitch.
16:29Hey, Deb.
16:30What have you done to your hair?
16:33I'm so tired of you.
16:37I haven't seen her forever and she just blows me off.
16:41What could have been so important?
16:50I've set up a pizza in the kitchen
16:52which is exactly where you'll be eating it
16:54because I don't want stains on the carpet.
16:56Now, if you'll excuse me,
16:57I'm leaving before the universe ends
16:59from a woman being at a poker game.
17:01Now, let's eat.
17:03Pizza?
17:04I shouldn't.
17:05I got an occlusion.
17:06You coming, Slutkin?
17:08Give me a minute.
17:18Sylvia, Sylvia,
17:20let me show you a picture of my new grandson.
17:23He's beautiful.
17:25Yeah, isn't he?
17:26Yeah, would you like to see a picture of my new grandson?
17:29Yeah.
17:30So would I.
17:34Mom.
17:35Hi.
17:36Where are you going?
17:37I'm going to your wife's house
17:38to help her prepare the only Thanksgiving dinner in America
17:41without a kiddie table.
17:47Hi.
17:48Hey.
17:49Is my dad in there?
17:50Your birth son.
17:51Yeah, the one having the baby.
17:53Mel Slutkin.
17:54Yeah.
17:55Yeah, hi.
17:56Okay, listen, about that,
17:57I would really appreciate it
17:58if you didn't tell my father about it.
18:00I wouldn't give birth to satisfaction.
18:03He and I have a lot of bad blood.
18:08Well, whatever the motivation,
18:09it's just that we're not really telling people yet,
18:12so I think he would be hurt if he found out from some...
18:14Oh, if it will hurt him.
18:16Excuse me.
18:17Wait, wait, wait.
18:18Wait a second.
18:19You can't tell him.
18:20I can.
18:21Right, I grant you that physically you can.
18:23I'm just saying, come on, morally...
18:26ethically...
18:29I'll pay you not to.
18:30How much?
18:3150 bucks?
18:32100.
18:3375.
18:34For 75, I drop hints.
18:37All right, fine, okay.
18:38Here, 100 bucks.
18:40Oh, look who's here.
18:41Slutkin, this is my boy, Paulie.
18:43Yeah, sweet Matt.
18:45Yeah, yeah, listen,
18:46uh, it turns out I can't play
18:48because I got to run home.
18:49Got to stop on a big thing.
18:56Is it that you don't want kids?
18:58No, we do.
18:59Because I have to say,
19:00that is a very selfish attitude.
19:02We want them.
19:03We plan to have them.
19:04Plan?
19:05Plan when?
19:06Soon.
19:07Soon, soon, three months?
19:08Soon, ten years?
19:09Soon, soon.
19:10So you'll never have a child?
19:11That is a choice you can make.
19:13That won't happen.
19:15My son will die childless.
19:17But the important thing is,
19:19you will have had a lot of nice dinners out.
19:22All right, Sylvia,
19:23I know I'm going to regret this,
19:25but the truth is...
19:26No, wait, no, don't.
19:27Don't what?
19:28Put marshmallows in the yams.
19:35Joan, what's wrong?
19:37Nothing.
19:38You don't cry over nothing.
19:40I was on my way up to see Paul and Jamie.
19:42Uh, Debbie and I had our first big fight.
19:44Over what?
19:45I knew something, and I didn't tell her.
19:47It's not good to have secrets.
19:49What was it?
19:52Where I come from,
19:53they call this a straight flush.
20:00Your son's having a kid.
20:07Everybody, pay attention, please.
20:09We have a little announcement to make.
20:11I wonder what that could be.
20:12Oh, what?
20:13You're buying a new house?
20:14I'm buying a new house.
20:15All right, all right.
20:17Paul and I are having a baby.
20:20Yeah, yeah, good for you.
20:26Hey, can we eat now?
20:27Hey, hey, come on, this is big news.
20:29It's not big news, it's old news.
20:32You handled this very badly.
20:34Oh, come on, let's not worry about who found out when.
20:36Oh, oh, easy for you to say.
20:38You knew before they did.
20:39Uh, all right, all right, look.
20:41Admittedly, we didn't do the best job
20:43of making this public,
20:44but come on, we're new at this, you know?
20:46Maybe next time we'll do better.
20:48But regardless of who here found out first,
20:52the important thing is that you,
20:54our family, our friends,
20:56the people closest to us in the world,
21:00you are the only people on the planet
21:03who know this information.
21:06Just a second.
21:08Is this Hal and Maggie's apartment?
21:10Uh, no, actually, they're across the hall.
21:12I know you.
21:14You're the couple from the elevator.
21:16Hey, Kev, these are the people I was telling you about.
21:25How you doing?
21:26I-I hear you're having a baby.
21:28That's great.
21:29Yeah, it's great.
21:30It's great.
21:31It's great.
21:32It's great.
21:33I-I hear you're having a baby.
21:34That's great.
21:42Happy Thanksgiving.
21:43Yeah, thanks a lot.
21:44Thanks a lot.
22:15Come here, little pup.
22:38In front!
22:44In front!
22:45In front!
22:46In front!
22:47In front!
22:48In front!
22:49In front!
22:50In front!
22:51In front!
22:52In front!
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22:54In front!
22:55In front!
22:56In front!
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22:59In front!
23:00In front!
23:01In front!
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23:03In front!
23:04In front!
23:05In front!
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23:09In front!
23:10In front!
23:11In front!
23:12In front!