Taskmaster - S18E05 - Big Stupid Things
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00:00SIGHS
00:02HE GRUNTS
00:04HE GROANS
00:06HE SIGHS
00:08HE SCREAMS
00:10HE SCREAMS
00:12HE SCREAMS
00:14HE MAKES SQUEAKY SOUNDS
00:16HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
00:18HE SCREAMS
00:20HE MIMICS SQUEAKY SOUNDS
00:22APPLAUSE
00:24APPLAUSE
00:26APPLAUSE
00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:32Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:36The answer to the question, what if five people squandered
00:39the opportunities afforded by parents and education
00:42in search of a demonstrably worthless prize?
00:45We're at the halfway point now.
00:47Literally any of the five could take the top spot.
00:50They need to work hard.
00:52Or, like so many of our previous winners,
00:55come to my dressing room with a suitcase full of quality meat.
01:00Papa likes a mixed grill!
01:02LAUGHTER
01:04Let's meet them. Andy Zoltzmann!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:09Mother Pundey-Lusher!
01:11Emma Siddy!
01:13Jack D!
01:15Rosie Jones!
01:18And next to me, a man who confided in me
01:21that he considers people who work for the fire service
01:24the least intelligent of all emergency staff.
01:29It's Little Alex Horne!
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:36Let's crack on with the prize task.
01:38What's the category, Little Alex Horne?
01:40Well, hey, just stop right there, mister.
01:43Because you've been asked to bring in the thing
01:46that is best when you add liquid to it.
01:48Jack, what thing have you brought?
01:50If you add water to it, it's good.
01:52I've brought in a swimming pool.
01:54So I think that's it, isn't it?
01:56That's pretty Route 1, yeah.
01:58And here it is. Yeah.
02:00It's in a box. Wow.
02:02I was convinced there was going to be something funny up there.
02:05It's literally just a...
02:07I didn't say it was going to be funny,
02:09I said it's going to be a swimming pool.
02:12Do you want to see proof that it's better with liquid in it?
02:15As per the brief. Here we go.
02:17There you go.
02:19That's how I exercise every morning.
02:26That was in the winter, actually, so I was fully wet-suited up.
02:29This morning, I was naked.
02:32Impressed and turned on.
02:35Andy. Yes.
02:37Should I address the fact that you've opted to dress
02:39as a snooker player today, or should we just sail past it?
02:41Really, it's about a state of mind,
02:43cos I've found myself getting a little irritable in earlier shows.
02:46Yeah. A snooker teaches you,
02:48when you're not at the table, you've just got to sit there and take it.
02:51So...
02:53So, um...
02:55I'm just, um...
02:57just trying to get myself in the right frame of mind.
02:59Andy, what have you brought in that's good when water's in it?
03:02Powdered trampoline.
03:04Oh. Ooh. Yes, Andy's brought in a product.
03:06It's powdered trampoline. This is the packet.
03:13I've got a range of other instant products.
03:16Here's the powder packet. Here is what else is available.
03:19Powdered bunny.
03:21Powdered puppy. Powdered hedge.
03:23Powdered snooker. Powdered powder. Yes.
03:26Just in case. And it works.
03:28It does actually work. And it works.
03:30You've got three grannies backstage. Yeah.
03:33It's just desiccated grandmother, but it really works. It's wonderful.
03:36Desiccated grandmother.
03:40What's it? A balloon.
03:43A balloon with air in, even helium.
03:48Ooh!
03:50But add water.
03:53Add water. OK.
03:55Whoa. Chicken!
03:57Also, can I show you the most satisfying video ever?
04:06Here we go. Push this.
04:08Whoa!
04:12APPLAUSE
04:15It does get better. Let's see!
04:18But not much better.
04:20Emma. Greg. Yes.
04:22I've brought in a portrait of you.
04:25Appeals to my ego. Great.
04:27First type of liquid, it's watercolour pencils,
04:29is the material used.
04:31So you add liquid to it, it gives a lovely effect, OK?
04:33Kind of aquarelle pencils.
04:35Secondly, the artist was drunk.
04:39I got my brother pissed.
04:41Your brother? So you added liquid to your brother?
04:43Yes. And made him do a portrait of you.
04:45Are you ready to see the portrait?
04:47It's promising, I've got to say.
04:49Here we go.
04:53Do you want to see what he achieved sober,
04:55to just give you a comparison?
04:57Yes, I just would like to enjoy the accuracy...
05:00Yeah. ..of my three big testicles.
05:05But without water, it's this.
05:07It's quite good, actually.
05:09Let's go back to pissed three balls.
05:11Add liquid. There we are.
05:13Emma, this is your strongest showing yet.
05:15Very good. Thank you. Very good.
05:17All right. Oh, Baba.
05:19All right, just take your mind back to your childhood.
05:22You're sitting at home, right?
05:24And now your mum's just like, would you like some dessert?
05:26Just for a second, I thought you said, your mum's a slag.
05:31I would not say that to you, all right?
05:33Greg? Yeah, just cast your mind back in the day.
05:35You're sitting at home, your mum's just like...
05:41He said, your mum's a slag.
05:45I did not say his mum's a slag!
05:47Did you hear it? He said it twice now, yeah.
05:49Do you want to show them what I brought in?
05:51Baba's brought in jelly powder.
05:55Cast your mind back, back in the day, back in the day.
05:57You're in the garden, you're running around.
05:59Yeah. One of your parents calls you in
06:02and she's just like...
06:06LAUGHTER
06:09She says, I've got jelly and ice cream for you.
06:13What's your reaction?
06:15All I can think is just to say, thank you, Mum.
06:19Shall I call this guy Uncle as well?
06:24Your time's come, Greg.
06:25All right, well, I'm going to give Baba one,
06:27and I'm sorry, Baba, because I do like jelly,
06:29but I think Rosie's made a good point.
06:31You can be cheeky with a balloon, and who doesn't like being cheeky?
06:34One to Baba, two to Rosie. Got it. Yes. OK.
06:36I'll congratulate Jack on keeping himself in shape
06:39and I'll give him three points.
06:41Three points for the swimming pool. Four to Andy, five to Emma.
06:43There it is. There we go.
06:44APPLAUSE
06:46Here we go. Tasks, please, Alex.
06:48Mm-hm. Right on, Greg.
06:50And it's time to blow the budget again.
06:52Uh-oh, because we've got an actual AI robot from Midhurst.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:59MUSIC PLAYS
07:04MUSIC STOPS
07:20Oh, God.
07:30Oh, no!
07:35LAUGHTER
07:38Hi, Alex.
07:40My name is Robert.
07:42Robert? Robert.
07:43Robert. Robert.
07:45Your name is Robot? Robert.
07:47Robert.
07:50Ah!
07:54Cheers.
07:57Oh, sorry, are you...? Hi.
08:00I'm Robert. Hello, Emma.
08:04Hello.
08:09Direct the robot to its charging station and plug it in.
08:15You must give the robot an instruction every ten seconds.
08:19The robot will ignore any instructions that contain the letters O or E.
08:26You may not touch the robot.
08:30Fastest wins.
08:32Your time starts now.
08:35OK, this sounds like a total pain.
08:43Do you think sometimes you've lost a bit of the joy of life?
08:46Even when you came in, everyone else went,
08:48oh, a robot, and you went, hello, Alex.
08:52While I was watching it, I wrote down,
08:54Emma's response to the robot was odd. Ask her to explain it.
08:57It's... What would you call it?
08:59Oh, God.
09:00Platonic arousal.
09:02Oh, the old P.A.
09:05It's like the opposite of a phobia.
09:07So I love, like, mascots, Mr Blobby.
09:11Do you like the things outside petrol garages?
09:13Yeah.
09:14Absolutely love them.
09:16Big, stupid things.
09:20Yeah.
09:23She knows I've got a degree, right?
09:26OK, I guess we should begin with a bit of Android Andy and Robot Rosie.
09:29Lovely.
09:30Is the charging station in here?
09:36No.
09:37Oh, fuck.
09:38Is it worth leaving this room?
09:40Lots of Os, lots of Es.
09:48Is the charging station on you somewhere?
09:53Oh, sorry, yeah, good point.
10:00Yes!
10:02No.
10:05Turn.
10:06Ah, that's so simple.
10:08Don't touch the robot.
10:10Sing.
10:16I really need a charging... Right, charging station.
10:25Eat, eat this.
10:27Where's the fucking charging station?
10:33Oh, shit.
10:34If I find, er...
10:37Erm, er...
10:42Walk.
10:43Er, in, erm...
10:47Walk.
10:48Stairs.
10:50Stairs!
10:53Er, star jumps.
10:57Hold.
10:59Hold.
11:01Got it?
11:03Yes.
11:04I'll have a look outside.
11:05OK.
11:11God.
11:13Yes!
11:15Walk.
11:20Hold.
11:22Instruction, please.
11:26Oh, no.
11:28Left, left.
11:29No, not right, not right.
11:32Right.
11:33This is why we shouldn't trust technology.
11:41Hazard.
11:42Hazard.
11:43Hazard.
11:44Right.
11:47Oh, er, hedge.
11:48Cow.
11:50Hold.
11:51Too many.
11:53Stop, stop.
11:54Right.
11:57Am I charging?
11:59Hey!
12:01Hang on, hang on.
12:02Sit, sit.
12:05Charging.
12:07Thank you, Andy.
12:08I would tell you welcome, but they would be hollow, hollow words.
12:20When I thought, Mosey Jones is going to nail this task,
12:23you walked the robot away from the charging station
12:26and made it stand on a piece of cardboard.
12:34It looked like a piece of cardboard.
12:39Andy.
12:40Yes.
12:41The only words I could make out were star jumps, I heard.
12:44Yep.
12:45And then when you got outside, fucking cock.
12:48Yep.
12:50Just trying to stay calm here, Greg.
12:52OK, time for Alex to stop for a few minutes of mindfulness.
12:56Close your eyes.
12:57Breathe deeply.
13:13Welcome back.
13:14Here we are again, safe and sound in part two.
13:17Yeah, safe and sound here, sure, but not so safe in the house, Greg,
13:20because there's a bloody robot on the loose.
13:22Three people left, it's Emma, Baba and Jacka.
13:26Charging station.
13:28Walk.
13:30Walk at charging station.
13:32No.
13:33Why?
13:34Station.
13:35BUZZER
13:36OK.
13:37This way.
13:39This way.
13:40This way.
13:41This way.
13:42This way.
13:43Um, er, um...
13:46Hang on, what...
13:48Laugh.
13:53Walk at charging plug.
13:59Find...
14:02Find plug.
14:08Laugh.
14:12Laugh.
14:15This way.
14:16This way.
14:17This way.
14:18This way.
14:19Where's that charging station?
14:21Laugh.
14:23Laugh.
14:25Laugh.
14:27Oh.
14:29Laugh.
14:31I found it, robot.
14:34OK.
14:36Stay.
14:37Stay.
14:39I mean, you're useless at this.
14:41Spot.
14:42Spot.
14:44This way.
14:45This way.
14:46This way.
14:47Yeah.
14:48No-ho-ho-ho!
14:49Oh, I can't touch it!
14:50Oh!
14:52Crawl.
14:57Oh, my God.
14:59OK.
15:02Laugh.
15:06Wait.
15:08There must be... Must be out here.
15:10Pursuit.
15:11Follow.
15:12BUZZER
15:13Follow.
15:14Come.
15:15BUZZER
15:16Move.
15:17BUZZER
15:18Walk.
15:19Walk.
15:20Where's this charging port?
15:21Oh!
15:22Ah!
15:23Ah!
15:24I know.
15:25I know.
15:26Turn lady.
15:27Turn lady.
15:28Small.
15:29Small.
15:30Walk.
15:32Cease.
15:33BUZZER
15:34Wait.
15:37Pursuit.
15:39Turn.
15:42This way.
15:44Stairs.
15:45Stairs.
15:46Run, lady.
15:47Run, lady.
15:49Run!
15:50Wait.
15:51Follow.
15:52BUZZER
15:53Left.
15:54Left.
15:55Wait.
15:56Wait.
15:57What are you doing?
15:59Pursuit.
16:00Quick.
16:03Run by lady.
16:04Run by lady.
16:05This way.
16:06This way.
16:07This way.
16:08This way.
16:09This way.
16:10Wait.
16:11Turn.
16:12Wait.
16:14Oh!
16:15Oh!
16:16You charging?
16:17Charging.
16:19Ah!
16:21You're welcome.
16:28This is the only task where I was going to...
16:31I don't feel good saying this.
16:33Oh, my God, this is so not my character.
16:35I'm going to floor that robot.
16:37That didn't come across at all.
16:39It didn't, because I hide it so well.
16:41Jack, do you enjoy that?
16:42You looked quite annoyed by the robot.
16:44It was annoying.
16:45I'd forgotten which vowels he couldn't use.
16:47But you settled on one instruction in the end.
16:49Pursuit.
16:50Which is quite strange.
16:52It is.
16:53But it did work, actually.
16:54It did work.
16:55Jack really laughed hard
16:56when the robot revealed his charging station
16:58was near his bottom.
17:01Do you want the times?
17:02Tell me some times.
17:03Well, Andy, 21 minutes.
17:04Rosie, 16.40.
17:05Jack was nine minutes, three seconds.
17:07Bubba, seven minutes, 39.
17:08But Emma, six minutes, 56.
17:11Five points to Emma City.
17:15What's that done to the scores, Alex?
17:17Well, I can tell you this.
17:18She's not won an episode yet.
17:19She's the only one who hasn't,
17:20but Emma is in the lead with ten points.
17:27What is next?
17:29I can tell you.
17:31I'm afraid the cast have created quite the stink.
17:34Ooh.
17:41MUSIC PLAYS
17:47Oh, sorry, sorry.
17:50Hello, Emma.
17:51Hello, how are you?
17:56Hi, Alex.
17:57Good to see you're using the bat, finally.
18:00Well, you never know, do you?
18:03OK...
18:05Make the strongest smell.
18:11The strongest smell?
18:13You must seal your smell in this jar
18:17and the taskmaster will open it in the studio.
18:20You have 20 minutes.
18:22Your time starts now.
18:26You want me to fart in it?
18:29I'll do that.
18:31I'm sorry what I'm about to do.
18:37Make the strongest smell, OK.
18:39Yeah, so strongest smell, but not nastiest smell.
18:42There could be an ice smell.
18:44Right, well, I'm going to go and look.
18:46I mean, there's one of these air fresheners here.
18:49If that...
18:51If that's probably got a battery in it,
18:53if that's just constantly squirting stuff out...
18:56I don't want to ming him out.
18:59Do you know what I mean?
19:01Milk.
19:03Imagine that in three months.
19:07We're going to make magic here, Alex.
19:12Bit of science going on there, by the looks of it.
19:14Like growing? Yeah.
19:15Is it meant to be growing?
19:16We'll let it grow if it wants to grow.
19:21Ooh, that's strong.
19:26What do you think? Can you smell it yet?
19:29It's quite subtle, isn't it?
19:31Shit.
19:34This is going to be absolutely foul.
19:41Let's shake it.
19:43Oh, Jesus.
19:48I hope you like Marmite, fam.
19:50Mm.
19:51Ew. No?
19:52Swear down.
19:53I don't mind it.
19:54No, bro, like, live your truth.
19:56If you like it, you like it.
19:57Well, I can take it or leave it.
20:00It's not that strong.
20:02He's going to have the shock of his life, bro.
20:05I think that one's... that one's a bit stronger.
20:09You are putting in some things that get rid of stubborn smells.
20:12I hadn't really thought of that.
20:15That's probably the best idea anyone would have had.
20:17Cos everyone else would be going out and finding smelly stuff
20:19to put in the jar.
20:20Not you.
20:21Not me.
20:22No, I'm in my own league.
20:26That's for you, my guy.
20:28You finished, have you?
20:29Yeah.
20:30OK.
20:32Oh, that's coming up lovely.
20:33Where's my grater?
20:39It's quite nice.
20:40It's not... It doesn't smell of anything, does it?
20:43You're going to need to seal it up in the next quarter.
20:45All right, I've got to...
20:49WHISTLE
20:50Can I shake it?
20:51I'm not sure that's wise.
20:52Right.
20:57As if by magic, this has appeared.
20:59Underneath each pictured sheath is their jar.
21:02The thing is, though, Greg,
21:03do you think some people are more observant than others?
21:05Yes.
21:06Well, I do want to show you this.
21:08All right.
21:09Make the strongest smell.
21:11Oh!
21:13Oh!
21:15You must smell your smell in the studio
21:17before the taskmaster smells your smell.
21:21If you refuse to smell your smell,
21:23the taskmaster will not smell your smell
21:25and you will receive zero points.
21:27So is that to sort of...
21:30..discourage poos?
21:33No, we didn't put that to discourage poos.
21:35You can still put poo in it if you want.
21:42I should probably say at this point,
21:43we have run this by lawyers and scientists.
21:45Wow.
21:46And they do say, when smelling the jars,
21:48it shouldn't be a deep breath,
21:49a shortish sniff is the best option.
21:53They also shouldn't be sticking their nose
21:55right into the glass jar.
21:56It is just strongest smell, that's all we want.
21:58Strongest?
21:59Right, so it doesn't have to be foulest.
22:00That's strongest smell.
22:01You monster.
22:19Rosie called it eggy, milky, cheesy surprise.
22:22The only surprise is going to be,
22:24as well as puking, am I going to shit myself?
22:28Let's start with a person who knew the right thing to do.
22:31So, Emma, please step behind your sheath.
22:34So what you're going to do, Emma, is unsheath your jar
22:37and then put your sheath...
22:40It's clearly a cardboard box.
22:42You're going to put your pictured sheath behind your jar.
22:45Lovely.
22:46And then pop your jar on top of your pictured sheath.
22:48That's perfect, that should be about the right height and angle.
22:50Sheath, jar, sniff.
22:51Sniff and shut.
22:55That was bloody strong.
22:59Thank you, Emma.
23:00All right, this is going to set the bar.
23:02It's perfume, tea and fruit.
23:09At best, mild.
23:15Genuinely spa-like.
23:17I feel relaxed.
23:20OK, Baba, you're up next.
23:22Baba, everybody.
23:26That looks evil.
23:35I was going to say we didn't know if he'd breathed in or out there,
23:38but I think we know.
23:40I thought Baba was disappointed initially
23:42and then I thought his eyes were actually going to come out.
23:46Yeah.
23:51That's got a bit of power to it, all right.
23:53Did you get the marmite?
23:55I felt that broke through.
23:57I can smell marmite from here.
23:59That was unpleasant.
24:01Emma's was like wandering around a Laura Ashley shop.
24:04Right, let's stop for a break
24:06and to counteract the mindless consumerism you're about to watch,
24:09some Shakespeare.
24:12How's that?
24:21Oh, let me not be mad!
24:24Not mad, sweet heaven, I would not be mad.
24:28Keep me in temper, I would not be mad.
24:33Right, you can go and buy an air fryer now.
24:41APPLAUSE
24:52Hello again.
24:53You join us for the third part of the show
24:55where more jars are waiting to be opened.
24:57Remember, it's the strongest smell we're after,
24:59so here we go with our next one.
25:01Shall we see if Jones comes up smelling of rosies?
25:04Well... Yeah.
25:05We do need to say, with the next three,
25:08if you could not be quite as close to the smell.
25:12Jesus Christ.
25:14AUDIENCE GROANS
25:16It retained its colour.
25:22Which is top ten moments on the lattice.
25:32And now you can go.
25:36Fine.
25:38APPLAUSE
25:40I don't like it.
25:42Right, Greg, can you go up?
25:44Thank you, Rosie.
25:47Oh, I thought that would be worse.
25:51Well, it's been airtight for 14 weeks, so...
25:53Yeah, you're right not to trust her, I think.
25:55I don't trust her.
25:57And the reason I'm dragging this out a bit
25:59is I just want to wait to see if you puke up.
26:06Ah.
26:09I'm annoyed.
26:12Oh, this is about fire. Yeah.
26:14My God.
26:15I actually think this smells less than Emma's flower shop.
26:23OK, well, it's Jack next with his air freshener.
26:26We do have to read a word of warning
26:28about this highly pressurised jar, first of all.
26:31Do not ingest, avoid contact with eyes, skin and clothing,
26:34avoid breathing gas, avoid breathing vapour or mist,
26:36breathe with adequate ventilation. Good luck, Jack.
26:38Good.
26:43This is quite dangerous, isn't it?
26:45OK.
26:49Ooh!
26:51Ooh, it popped all right. That's lively, isn't it?
26:53Yeah.
26:56Well, it smells like a disgusting air freshener.
26:59It's coming here straight away. Yeah.
27:01There it is. Yeah.
27:02Did you get the cool elegance of fine linen?
27:07Oh!
27:10That is unpleasant.
27:13Ooh, that's like my nan's come back to life.
27:20OK. Good.
27:21One left. Finally...
27:24Ooh, that has made me feel a bit funny, actually.
27:26You all right?
27:28OK, one left.
27:29Finally, with a blend of mouthwash, de-icer, oven cleaner,
27:32raspberry bath, pearls, stain remover,
27:34malt vinegar, cider vinegar, moisturising cream,
27:37vague alcohol liquid, grated wellies, hair wax,
27:39eight dishwasher tablets, flowers, a brain candle, sardines
27:42and a goblin fart, it's Andy's Osman.
27:50Oh, bloody hell.
27:52That looks like something.
28:00Count to three.
28:04Bleagh.
28:06Oh!
28:15That is awful.
28:17That's...
28:18That's how I'm going to remember you.
28:22Close it.
28:23Ooh, get fucked.
28:30Oh, that is unpleasant.
28:32Yeah, that's not nice.
28:33That is unholy, actually.
28:35Really unusual, really unusual mix.
28:37But I'm not marking it on grossness,
28:39I'm marking it on strength, aren't I?
28:41Strength of smell.
28:42Your delicious yoghurt-y breakfast barely smells at all.
28:46So that's one point to Rosie.
28:47I'm afraid so, yeah.
28:49Next up, it was Emma's delightful stroll through the countryside.
28:53Yeah. So two to Emma.
28:54Yeah. Proudly take that.
28:55And then in terms of strength,
28:57if there were style points, Andy would win,
29:00cos it's one of the worst smells I've ever smelt.
29:02But in terms of the power... The power.
29:05Andy would be three points. Oh.
29:07And then in Baba's marmite and coffee would be four.
29:10And the most powerful smell,
29:12if that's what I'm judging on, strength of smell...
29:14Which it is. ..would be Jack T.
29:15Well, there we go, five points to our £100,000 winner,
29:18thank you very much.
29:22I'd very much like another task, please, Alex.
29:25And finally...
29:31MUSIC STOPS
29:40Oh!
29:42Lovely!
29:44Hello. Hello!
29:46Hi, Alex. You all right? Yes, I am.
29:48Yeah, nice to see you both. Good.
29:50Matching outfits.
29:54Shall I open it? Yeah, you have to.
29:56All right.
29:57You well?
30:00Present the most heartwarming
30:04final story
30:07for the local news programme.
30:12You have half an hour
30:14and your story must last no more than two minutes.
30:17Your time starts now.
30:19Has the story got to be true?
30:24Well, do you want to go and do some actual journalism?
30:28Yeah.
30:29You could just go out there and...
30:33Find a person, yeah.
30:35We could be barbecuing some actual hearts,
30:37that would be literally heartwarming.
30:40There's something in it.
30:42It's usually that thing, you know...
30:44And finally, a baby panda has been born.
30:49Not everyone likes babies that much.
30:51Usually it's our puppies and stuff are more...
30:53Yeah.
30:54You know, they're more heartwarming, aren't they? Yeah.
30:57Local animal that's given birth.
30:59Birth is always, you know...
31:01Birth is good. That's beautiful.
31:03What if giving birth to something unexpected?
31:05The gerbil that gave birth to a car.
31:08Well, the news broadcast starts in 27 minutes.
31:11Nice one. Let's do it, let's do it. Come on.
31:19You get asked to think of a heartwarming story.
31:22And the answer is, what if we burn a heart
31:25and Jack D crashes in with Not Everyone Likes Babies?
31:29Let's see these news teams in action.
31:31OK, it's time to switch over now to Croydon today
31:34with Anna, Bubba and Emma.
31:36Unfortunately, the largest of the crocodiles is still at large.
31:40And finally, some heartwarming local news now.
31:43We meet the local woman who is potentially about to become
31:46the oldest winner of the Tour de France.
31:49Isabella Cratchington is on track to win the coveted yellow jersey.
31:53We join our cycling correspondent, Go Go Jenkins,
31:56as he finds out how she's getting along.
31:58Go, go.
32:00Go, go.
32:02Go, go, Jenkins, are you there?
32:05Go, go, mate.
32:07Go, go.
32:08Hi, Sophie.
32:09Yes, I'm here at the Champs-Élysées in Paris,
32:12where the atmosphere is tense,
32:14as we await what could potentially be the oldest person
32:17and win the Tour de France.
32:19Now, this tournament has been full of ups and downs...
32:22Oh! I can confirm, Isabella is our new champion.
32:26Now, there will be doping checks,
32:28which, in this case, she most likely will fail.
32:31Hi, I'm here with the winner of the Tour de France,
32:34Isabella Cratchington.
32:35Isabella, what was your strategy?
32:37Well, to get to the end in a shorter time than everyone else.
32:41Now, Isabella, I have to ask you,
32:43what are your thoughts on performance-enhancing drugs
32:46in this competition?
32:47Well, I would say it's never been proved, has it?
32:51There's no proof, it's hearsay, and it's fine.
32:55Thank you very much. Back to you at the studio.
32:58Go, go.
32:59I know that woman,
33:01and I know for a fact that she should not be there.
33:06That's all from us. Have a lovely weekend,
33:08and do remember that the new volcano will erupt on Saturday at 7pm.
33:12Stay safe. Bye-bye.
33:18Very good. Very good.
33:19I think Andy was very...
33:21You were sort of very inspired by this story, and...
33:24Yeah, I've taken up road cycling,
33:26and I've won the Tour de France myself.
33:28Have you?
33:29I think that Isabella Cratchington looks younger than Andy.
33:38It's probably their blood doping.
33:41We don't generally see real news anchors going,
33:44there's more I could tell you about that, but I won't.
33:47They don't say it with words, but they do say it with their eyes, Greg.
33:50Fiona Bruce definitely says that with her eyes.
33:53Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough.
33:55Well, not a bad start.
33:56Shall we have a break and then see the other one? OK.
33:58In the final part of the show,
33:59the usual quality of prizes are there to be won.
34:02Jelly powder and some desiccated trampoline,
34:05or as my nan liked to call it, ration book trifle.
34:08We'll see you in a bit.
34:21Hello!
34:22Welcome back to the final part of Taskmaster,
34:25where there are some local news stations
34:27wrapping up their shows with a final heart-warming story.
34:31Bang on, Big Bum, and we end...
34:34..with a fresh look for anchor Jack Dee
34:36and his roving reporter, Rosie Jones.
34:39Makes you think, doesn't it?
34:41People like that make me sick.
34:43And finally, viewers may recall the story of Harold the Lonely Hedgehog,
34:48who was found at a bus stop in Lewisham,
34:50crying real tears of loneliness.
34:52Many of you viewers have been in touch,
34:54asking for an update on Harold's progress.
34:57And I'm happy to report that Rosie Jones, our roaming reporter,
35:01has some heart-warming news.
35:03Rosie.
35:04Thanks, Jack.
35:06I'm not in a lovely, warm studio like you are.
35:13I'm doing the real work.
35:17Harold the Hedgehog has met a friend.
35:24Harold and Roger have bonded
35:28over their mutual love of leaves, mud and cricket.
35:38Back to our own prickly hedgehog in the studio.
35:47Jack.
35:48Thanks, Rosie.
35:49Not sure I'm really actually that prickly, but anyway.
35:52Thank you for joining us.
35:53I hope you found that a heart-warming story.
35:55I know we certainly did.
35:56Thanks to Rosie Jones there, out in the field.
35:59Join us again same time tomorrow on Look Out.
36:01I'm Jack Dee, and that's all that matters.
36:04You ain't prickly.
36:06Yeah, you are.
36:14What I couldn't really get past is the joke right at the top
36:18where Alex Horne is shown,
36:20and there's some suggestion that Alex is an on-the-run sax player.
36:26And I enjoyed that joke very much.
36:30But then when I saw the news anchor,
36:32I did think there was some degree of irony there.
36:37I'd have that man arrested based on looks alone.
36:41There seemed to be some sort of tension
36:43between your two characters, Rosie.
36:45Yes, basically, I've been wanting Jack's job for years,
36:53but I won't fucking retire.
37:00I had no idea there was such a complicated dynamic.
37:04The dynamic is a programme
37:06where two people have to work together every day
37:09but absolutely loathe each other.
37:11I can't remember where I got the idea from.
37:15That's all a smoke screen.
37:17We are lovers.
37:23Well, I enjoyed them both.
37:25I think there's one point in between the two teams.
37:28I preferred the old lady.
37:30All right, how many points do you want to give that team?
37:32Four.
37:33And this team? Three.
37:34Done, there we go.
37:42OK, well, in the series, it's tight.
37:45Just 12 points separating the five of them.
37:47Rosie's on 67, Emma 72, Andy also 72,
37:50Baba's in second place in 75,
37:52Jack's in the lead on 79 at the moment.
37:56For today's leaderboard, she's still in the lead now on 16 points,
37:59Emma Siddy's in first place.
38:06Exciting stuff.
38:07OK, please head up to the stage for the final task of the show!
38:10Oh!
38:17Hey, you.
38:18Who's treating the task out today?
38:20Ronnie O'Sullivan. Andy Zaltzman.
38:24Land your skydiver closest to the seal.
38:27You must catapult your skydiver with the catapult
38:31furthest from the target each round is eliminated.
38:34Last player standing wins.
38:37OK, first up, she's in the lead, it's Emma Siddy.
38:39Please approach the catapult.
38:43Let's dance.
38:46Oh!
38:50You'll be measuring from the little skydiver, not the parachute,
38:53so that's in the second red, not bad.
38:55Jack D's up next.
38:56Good luck, my friend.
38:59Ah, French resistance.
39:07Lovely action.
39:08Lovely landing.
39:09Jack is safely through to round two.
39:11Next up, Baba.
39:13Good luck.
39:14Lovely action.
39:15Lovely action.
39:17He's going for it.
39:20Yeah!
39:24Andy Zaltzman.
39:25The commitment to holding the cue is incredible.
39:29Zaltzman.
39:33It's high.
39:34Oh!
39:39Andy, you're in trouble, unless Rosie Jones does worse.
39:42Good luck, Rosie.
40:03Andy is eliminated.
40:06Lovely landing.
40:07All right, it's round two, Greg, hello.
40:09Hello, there.
40:10It's Emma up first, of course.
40:11Emma, please reapproach the catapult.
40:13Emma, all to play for for Emma Siddy.
40:15Lovely.
40:16Lovely.
40:17Lovely.
40:18Go!
40:23Jack, you're up next.
40:24Is the little man actually on the seal?
40:26It's unbelievable.
40:27It's almost, yeah.
40:28Ah, he's breathing.
40:32He is, he is breathing.
40:36Ooh.
40:37Oh!
40:42He's in trouble.
40:47Baba, you're up next if you want to approach the catapult.
40:53It's very flat.
40:54Ooh, Baba, that's controversial.
40:56Oh!
41:06Oh!
41:08Well, you've got a chance, Rosie.
41:10You've got to not hit an audience member to get through to the next round.
41:13I might as well sit here, bro.
41:14All right, yeah.
41:19The guy with the eye out.
41:24She's through!
41:31Emma, it's round three.
41:32If you get through this, you're in the final.
41:34Great.
41:35Come on, then.
41:36We're doing this for the brunettes.
41:37Yeah, Baba!
41:40Oh.
41:45The heights you've fallen from, you were on the wood last time.
41:48Shut up.
41:50Jack, you're on next.
41:51Good luck, Jack.
41:56I told you.
41:57That's gamesmanship, I'm sorry, there.
42:00Put his legs first, yeah.
42:02Legs first.
42:05That's going to take some mosaic.
42:06Oh!
42:09Jack is in the final.
42:15Rosie, will you join him?
42:16Tense.
42:17Right.
42:18It's live, isn't it?
42:22All two.
42:25Yeah.
42:26APPLAUSE
42:30We've lost Emma City!
42:36I won't say good luck, Jackie,
42:40and if you want to beat me,
42:44a disabled girl...
42:51..you do you.
42:54So, is it compassion or victory that's more important to Jack?
42:58Let's find out.
43:02APPLAUSE
43:12Oh, fuck!
43:17Oh!
43:18Oh!
43:23Oh!
43:27I think blue, blue first.
43:29Peel blue, yeah.
43:30Where is he? Oh, my God.
43:32There he is, just on the edge of red.
43:35Jack wins!
43:39Come down here, we'll hand that to the final scorers.
43:46How are you feeling, Jack?
43:47Exhilarated and I feel a little bit guilty after the exchange,
43:52but, you know, I had to...
43:54It was game on, wasn't it?
43:56That's Taskmaster, take no prisoners.
43:57Yeah, it is Taskmaster.
43:58Take no prisoners.
44:02Would you like to see the scoreboard?
44:03Obviously.
44:04Well, because of what Jack did, Rosie's come last.
44:10And Jack is at the top of the leaderboard,
44:12joined with Emma City on 19 points.
44:18APPLAUSE
44:19A tiebreak!
44:23I know, Greg, yes, and this one was an easy one.
44:25All they had to do was work out how many days old I will be
44:29on Christmas Day 2024.
44:31They had to make eye contact with me the whole time
44:34and could only give one answer.
44:36The closest to the correct answer wins.
44:38Here's how they both got on.
44:40Eye contact.
44:42OK.
44:43You're 45.
44:45You're 33.
44:46Yes, fine.
44:47So, um, what year were you born?
44:49When do you think I was born?
44:50Oh, come off it, just answer the question.
44:52I think you were born on Christmas Day.
44:54Right. Right, Father Christmas?
44:56So nine times 365 is 3,000,
45:00and then I'm going to halve that, 1,500.
45:04What? That's like nothing.
45:06I think you're 52.
45:09Really?
45:10Yes, I do. What's wrong with that?
45:12I was born in 1978.
45:131978?
45:14Mm.
45:15Where are you now, this year?
45:16It's a simple question.
45:17Sure, yeah, but I'm 45 now.
45:1945 now?
45:20Look at me.
45:21You're 45.
45:22All right.
45:2317,223.
45:26WHISTLE BLOWS
45:27No, there's no way I can do that without a calculator.
45:30OK.
45:31I mean, I'm actually giving up.
45:33Right. Are you going to give an answer?
45:35No, I've given up.
45:36Right.
45:40I've given up.
45:42WHISTLE BLOWS
45:48Coming out of the gate,
45:49you had the aggression of a 1970s policeman.
45:52Yeah.
45:53I just couldn't have...
45:55At the time, I couldn't have imagined it was ever going to matter,
45:58and then, when you realise, it matters so much.
46:01So very much.
46:03So the actual answer was 17,538.
46:07Emma was 293 days out.
46:09Because Jack gave up.
46:10There we go.
46:15Emma Siddy wins!
46:17Please make it up and lift aloft your liquid-hungry loot!
46:23What have we learned today?
46:25Sometimes on Taskmaster, we learn profound things about life.
46:28And sometimes, those profound things are short, succinct, sweet.
46:33For example, today, we just learned,
46:35my mum's a slag.
46:40But halfway to the final,
46:42and the winner of the night to mark the occasion,
46:44is the incredible Emma Siddy!
46:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE