Taskmaster AU S03E05
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TVTranscript
00:00Is this good television?
00:30Hello and welcome to Taskmaster Australia.
00:41My name is Tom Gleeson and I am the Taskmaster.
00:49Tonight five Australian comedians' collective self-worth will be poured into a blender and
00:54served up as a protein supplement for the depraved audience of you at home.
01:00What does the winner win?
01:01This, the official Taskmaster trophy, which is a gold sculpture that contains the most
01:06superior mind in this room, mine.
01:12The five comedians who we pulled out of the gloop they call their lives are Aaron Chen,
01:20Manchetta Caristo, Mel Buttle, Peter Hellyer, and big Reece Nicholson.
01:32Last and yes, least, this is a guy whose favourite streaming service is the muddy puddles of
01:39water he spends hours staring at his own reflection in.
01:43It's Tom Cashman.
01:44G'day Tom, I feel like you're building up a small fan base there.
01:52Oh, thank you.
01:53Speaking of small, do you like my tattoo?
01:56What, you've got a tattoo on your face?
01:58Yeah, I've got a face tattoo.
01:59Do you like it?
02:00It can be a career-limiting move.
02:02Because you know how some tough guys in prison, they get a tattoo of a teardrop to commemorate
02:07a time that they killed someone?
02:08Yeah.
02:09I've got a tattoo of a murder to commemorate a time that I cried.
02:18Alright Lester Tom, let's rip.
02:20Are you happy with this staying here, the whole show?
02:23Yeah.
02:24Because I know in a meeting earlier you said you wanted to remove it.
02:28So, you know, if you turn up to work doing comedy with props, deal with it buddy.
02:37But we agreed we'd remove it.
02:38No, no, no.
02:39You're staying.
02:40No, you can go.
02:41Go and get your stupid tattoo off.
02:44Oh man, he comes up with this dumb gag and then he's like, but I want it off, okay, alright.
02:54Alright, you happy now?
02:56Yeah.
02:57Well, let's rip into it.
02:59Well, we're starting off with a prize task and tonight our contestants have been asked
03:03to bring in the thing that you're most glad can't talk.
03:06Oh, okay.
03:07What have you brought in, Mel?
03:10I have brought in my Bachelor of Contemporary Performance, not completed, drama reflection
03:18journal.
03:24So I'm thinking you reading it would be quite painful, but you're saying if it could say
03:29those thoughts it would be even worse.
03:30Yeah, it would be very bad if production had a photo of that open and everyone at home
03:34could see the words pertain to...
03:36Oh no!
03:37What a disaster.
03:38Worst bit, I was starting to judge myself, so I took a risk by putting the energy ball
03:45in my bum.
03:46Anyway, whatever, I didn't get a very good mark for that, but no one in my class is on
03:51Taskmaster, just me, so.
03:55Alright, Rhys, what did you bring in that you wouldn't like to talk?
04:02I came up with this lady.
04:04Hello.
04:05This is my dog, Hopkins, and I'm glad she can't talk because she has seen some shit.
04:13Uh, okay, like what?
04:16Well, I mean, let's be honest, sex is one of them.
04:19You know when your pet sees you having sex and you're like, oh, they don't know what
04:24we're doing?
04:25They 100% do.
04:27Every time those videos come out of the dogs pressing buttons that translate to things,
04:32I'm like, we can't show her that.
04:33She can't be like, help, help, leave, leave, danger, danger, top, bottom, the.
04:42Concetta, what did you bring in?
04:47I brought in a really, really well used specimen jar.
04:55What does well used mean?
04:57It was used by you and some other people?
04:59Not me!
05:00The jar!
05:01Oh, got it.
05:02Imagine if the jar could speak.
05:03You'd be like, oh, not this again.
05:06Oh, everyone's sick.
05:07It's sloppy.
05:08It's over the edges.
05:10So it's like really stressed.
05:14It's like, give me a break.
05:16I want to go on holiday.
05:18I can't.
05:19He's getting shattered.
05:21Okay.
05:22Aaron, what did you bring in?
05:25Me, I've brought in a mime.
05:29I'm glad that mimes can't talk, because first off, it would ruin their act.
05:38Yeah.
05:39Because it's so funny what these guys do.
05:41They can like just make like a box and then go into it.
05:45Yeah.
05:46And you don't even need words, and that's why it's funny.
05:49Hang on, you brought in Mr Bean's box set earlier, didn't you?
05:53Yeah.
05:54There's a theme emerging here.
05:57Because I feel like you're mocking their humour, but secretly you love it,
06:01because it's a bit basic, isn't it, Aaron?
06:04Well, I just can understand it.
06:10The second reason I'm glad mimes can't talk is that I've actually found out
06:14that they have some pretty bad opinions.
06:19Take a look.
06:22Women should not be allowed to vote.
06:27Wow.
06:32Alright, so finally, Peter, what did you bring in?
06:35I brought in my gym clothes that I take on holiday.
06:42Because they would say, why do you f***ing bother?
06:48I get excited, you're going to the Gold Coast, we're there day one,
06:53you don't exercise.
06:54I'm like, OK, it's day one.
06:55Nobody exercises on day one.
06:57Maybe day two.
06:58Nothing on day two.
07:00By day four, day five, we know we're not coming out of the suitcase.
07:05Well, you know, we were on holidays recently together, Pete,
07:08and I can say I've never seen these clothes before in my life.
07:12So I can confirm that that is true.
07:14And I feel like you probably bought them just for this,
07:17and maybe you don't own them at all.
07:20I've never seen these clothes in my life.
07:24Alright, well, I guess I should score this.
07:27I'm not worried about the specimen jar,
07:29because it can be put in a dishwasher.
07:30OK.
07:31And I feel like that would also erase its memory,
07:33so I'm going to give Conchetta one.
07:34I'm going to give Rhys two.
07:36Because, well, I'm just worried that if I buy into the idea
07:39that everything your dog has seen is disgusting or anything like that,
07:42then I feel a bit homophobic, and I'm not.
07:45Alright, I've read your blog.
07:49I'm going to give Mel three points.
07:52That small sample seemed horrific.
07:55And I'm going to give Aaron four points,
07:57because I just don't like mimes as well.
08:01And for five points, because I know the story's true,
08:03I'm going to give it to Pete for his exercise clothes
08:06that have never been used.
08:11Alright, let's get into our first task.
08:13Here's a task our contestants took to like ducks to thawed ice
08:16that's been frozen and then thawed again.
08:23DUCK QUACKS
08:35Quack, quack! Hello!
08:37Hey, Tom. Welcome to the dock.
08:39Hi, Tom.
08:40Hi, Rhys.
08:41I love ducks.
08:42You like ducks?
08:43Yeah. I think they're my spirit animal.
08:45You're a duck fan?
08:46Yeah. I have a tattoo on my arm of a duck.
08:49And also, I love how they walk.
08:52Like that?
08:53OK.
08:54What's this, then?
08:55It's a task.
08:56I reckon it's duck-related.
08:59Alright.
09:00Find the quack.
09:02One of these ducks has been giving out...
09:05That's a tricky word.
09:07Thubs...
09:08Thubs of unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:12What does that mean?
09:13Unsubstantiated medical advice? Yeah.
09:15It's medical advice with no substance.
09:17Fastest to deliver the quack to Tom wins.
09:20Your time starts now.
09:22So one of these is quacking?
09:24No, one of these ducks is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:27I get it. Like a quack, right?
09:29No, no, no.
09:30This duck is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:33I think I'm having an aneurysm.
09:40So who are we going to see first in this little duck hunt?
09:43It's time to send these good eggs off to the bad doctor.
09:45It's Mel and Reece.
09:47Alright, well I guess I'm going to get in there, right?
09:49Push me free.
09:50I love you, goodbye.
09:52You've never rowed before?
09:53I've never rowed before.
09:54You used to row in school.
09:55Yes, I'm very good, thank you.
09:59I can hear something.
10:00I think I can hear something, Tom.
10:02What can you hear?
10:03Some talking.
10:04Is it unsubstantiated medical advice?
10:06If you shut up for a minute, maybe I'll know.
10:08I think it's this one.
10:10Let me just get him.
10:12...any disease, no matter how serious.
10:14But I won't tell you how.
10:16That's none of your business.
10:17Careful.
10:18With me, you don't need a second opinion.
10:20It's you.
10:21I don't need to look at you or do any tests.
10:24That goes absolutely spouting rubbish.
10:30I'm coming, Tom.
10:31Other than this being quite dreadful, it's also quite lovely.
10:35That's not it.
10:36We've got a deliberate case.
10:38That's none of your business.
10:40I have a special...
10:41I can fix you up another time.
10:45Where are you going?
10:46I'm off.
10:47Oh.
10:48Bye.
10:54OK, so, Rhys, can you give us a sense of what it was like there?
10:57Because I feel like it might have given the impression
10:59that it was actually quite easy to hear them,
11:01but the quacks were really loud.
11:03There was a lot of quacking.
11:04If you don't know what...
11:05You're quite stressed about the rowing
11:07and then you're scared you're going to fall in
11:09I should say they told us,
11:11do not get in the water, it is full of E. coli.
11:16It is not full of E. coli.
11:18It's E. coli levels are above safe levels of E. coli.
11:23Well, I would say, compared to no E. coli,
11:25that is up to Pussy's Bow with E. coli.
11:29I wasn't afraid of the water until I got into it
11:31and then the next day I did 16 poos on set.
11:36I feel like you're at an advantage, Mel,
11:38because you are very good at rowing, we've seen that already.
11:41Did that help?
11:42In no way, no.
11:44All of the ducks are making noise.
11:46He's like, yeah, all the information you need is in the task.
11:49It's actually not.
11:50If all the information you needed was in the task,
11:52the card would say,
11:53it's that brown duck over there on the right-hand side.
11:56So just quickly,
11:57what was the medical advice being handed out by the duck?
11:59I couldn't hear what Pete Evans was saying in the recording.
12:04I'm not sure.
12:06All right, can you give us some scores so far?
12:08I sure can.
12:09So Mel, our champion rower from high school,
12:11took 11 minutes and 50 seconds to find the quack.
12:14Under 12, we did it.
12:17Rhys, no experience with rowing previously,
12:19four minutes and 50 seconds.
12:21OK, it's time for an ad break.
12:24We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
12:37Welcome back to Taskmaster,
12:38where five comedians are currently competing
12:40to win Rhys Nicholson's thousand-yard staring pet dog.
12:45Where are we up to, Lesser Tom?
12:46Our contestants are trying to find a duck
12:48that is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
12:50So far, Rhys and Mel have done very well
12:52to ignore the quacking to find the quack.
12:55Next up, it's two guys I tried to avoid being downstream from,
12:58given their easy-come, easy-go attitude to aqua deposits.
13:02It's Aaron and Pete.
13:04Do I need that rope?
13:05No, it's up to you.
13:06Yeah, OK.
13:07So I got a...
13:11community duck door.
13:12What's going on?
13:14So it's the duck that looks like this one,
13:16which is that duck.
13:18Have you rowed before?
13:19Yeah, national champion.
13:21Oh.
13:24Am I supposed to row backwards?
13:26Little bit of forward momentum there.
13:28You're on your way.
13:29There we go, there we go.
13:31It's either that one or that one.
13:33I seem to be going exactly where the ducks aren't.
13:39Is that duck giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
13:42I don't know what that means, Tom.
13:45Oh, I hear something.
13:47In the photo, it's got a brown body.
13:49Oh, right.
13:50This one, got it.
13:52Body got it.
13:56Is that duck giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
13:59Yeah, it's giving bad, really dodgy advice.
14:01Like what?
14:02It's saying that the vaccine is real.
14:04Oh, wow.
14:05Come on.
14:06Stand back.
14:07OK.
14:15It's right there.
14:17There.
14:18There you go, Tom.
14:19Get rid of that duck.
14:25What's that?
14:26It's a business card.
14:29We're eating that duck tonight.
14:30Oh, OK.
14:37So, Aaron, when you said that bad medical advice
14:39was saying the vaccine is real,
14:41was that a shout-out to all your freedom-loving fans?
14:44If you guys are out there, keep it up.
14:46We're going to win this fight.
14:53It works on so many levels,
14:55because I suspect they don't understand irony.
14:57So people are like, yeah!
15:00I'm winning with both.
15:01Like, the people who think it's irony,
15:03they're like, oh, he's being funny.
15:05And then the people who hate vaccines are like, yeah, my man.
15:09Yeah.
15:10Yeah, you just said what I said, but it was a bit longer.
15:15It helps me understand what you're saying.
15:18Sometimes your act is just like you're explaining it to yourself,
15:21isn't it?
15:22And what you're saying is that, like, I talk to myself.
15:30So, Pete, for someone who looks like an old salty sea dog,
15:33you didn't seem that comfortable in a boat.
15:35Is that how it came across to you? Yeah.
15:37I'm surprised, because the audience would disagree,
15:40yet they're nodding their heads.
15:42Now, I can't just leave this unsaid.
15:44Everyone knows about your business card collection now.
15:46How did you feel about that business card disrespect?
15:49I don't know if I could ever forgive Pete
15:51for ripping up a business card in front of me like that.
15:54It was a business card of a dodgy doctor.
15:57Don't shoot the messenger, Pete.
15:59I would like to confirm that that was a clue.
16:01Then let's just say that clue was my idea.
16:05Can I just say that finding that clue, I thought, like,
16:09oh, I've won this.
16:11The clue did not seem to help you in the sliver.
16:14All right, what are the stats?
16:16Aaron took 12 minutes and 4 seconds.
16:19And Pete, 7 minutes and 11 seconds in second place.
16:23OK.
16:25Well, I can't help but notice Conchetta has been singled out here.
16:28Any particular reason?
16:30I couldn't possibly say, but let's see.
16:32It's Conchetta Cristo.
16:33What am I supposed to do?
16:35Duckies!
16:38Oh, come on, mate.
16:40How do you even do this bullshit?
16:42Oh, f***! Now I'm that way.
16:44No, go this way.
16:46Oh, no! No!
16:50Oh, shit!
16:53Are any of them giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
16:56I can't hear you, and I kind of like it that way.
16:58Yeah, fair enough.
17:00F*** you, stupid piece of shit.
17:03Can't hear shit, can't move for shit.
17:05Is this a time pass song?
17:07Passes, wins.
17:09I think I'm going to be doing this forever.
17:11Come on.
17:13Not this again.
17:15Shit.
17:18Are you meaning to spin round?
17:20No!
17:22Oh, brother.
17:24Oh, my God!
17:26I'm having the worst time!
17:28You stupid ducks.
17:30Now I'm going to hate ducks because of this.
17:33Which one of you stupid d***s is speaking?
17:39I think I hear something.
17:41Why is this so hard?
17:45I can't hear it anymore.
17:47Oh.
17:51Oh.
18:04Oh!
18:06It's your f***ing voice, isn't it?
18:13It was next to me the whole time.
18:16Oh!
18:18Oh, that's wrong, that is.
18:23I'm going away from you.
18:25Oh, no!
18:27Careful.
18:29Oh, God!
18:31It's the scar of all the evil things.
18:33What evil things have you done?
18:35I'm not evil, please don't log in on that.
18:41This is a bad dream.
18:49OK, I need to go.
18:51Thanks, Conchetta.
18:52Thanks, Tom.
18:57I mean...
18:59Conchetta, that's you doing what you do well,
19:01taking a very straightforward task
19:03and making it more complicated.
19:05Tom, like, I truly, and you know this, Tom,
19:08I had a breakdown out there.
19:11I didn't know how to roll.
19:13I couldn't hear Tom.
19:15I couldn't hear the duck.
19:17I was, like, freaking out
19:19and then I threw it and it fell
19:21and, like, even now I'm not being funny, I'm scared.
19:25OK.
19:26You briefly mentioned you've done a few evil things in your life.
19:29I feel like we need to know what they are.
19:31No, I regret that. I didn't mean it.
19:33I was hysterical.
19:35It's often in those moments that the truth comes out.
19:38Yeah.
19:39So can we have the truth?
19:41I started a war.
19:45Wow.
19:46I was inspired by Pol Pot.
19:50Wow.
19:52That is extreme.
19:54So how long did that take? I think we're dying to know.
19:57Conchetta's time was 27 minutes and 47 seconds.
20:06So Conchetta obviously gets one point,
20:08then we've got Aaron with two, Mel with three,
20:10Pete with four,
20:11and Rhys, never rode before Nicholson, takes five points!
20:14OK.
20:16And what happens when we add those scores to the ones we had before?
20:20Well, Aaron, Mel, Rhys and Conchetta are the trailers,
20:23but turn off your phone for Pete, he's the main movie, on nine points!
20:27All right, Mr Tom, you got another task for us?
20:30I do, and don't worry, Tom,
20:32I wasn't agreeing to marry you when I said I do.
20:35I was just answering your work-related question.
20:39As agreed.
20:40Anyway, I wish I hadn't said any of that. Here's the task.
20:45MUSIC PLAYS
20:57Hello.
20:58Hi, Aaron.
20:59Ooh!
21:03What on earth's this contraption?
21:05I certainly don't recognise it from my childhood.
21:07Oh, a beater machine, is it?
21:09VCR?
21:10VCR, yeah.
21:15Hi, Conchetta.
21:16Hi, Tom.
21:20Teach the taskmaster to do something he can't already do...
21:23With an instructional video.
21:25The instructional video that teaches the taskmaster most wins.
21:29You have 45 minutes.
21:31Your time starts now.
21:33He's actually reasonably good at life,
21:37and the infuriating thing is he knows it.
21:40APPLAUSE
21:45So, what are we looking at?
21:47We've got a lesson here for each of them,
21:49that they need to teach me something that I don't already know.
21:52That's right.
21:53Well, there's heaps I already know, so...
21:55This is an extremely difficult task.
21:57Here, with some handy hints for your next work-do, it's Mel Buttle.
22:00Do you know anything that he can't do?
22:02I cannot think of a single thing the taskmaster cannot do.
22:05I can.
22:06What?
22:07Attend a work event without drinking.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:14Hello, my name's Virginia Hempenstall.
22:16I've got a Bachelor of Marketing.
22:18I'm a PE teacher,
22:20and also I teach people how to say no to having a wine at work functions.
22:24It's easier than you think.
22:26Here's a clue.
22:27You can always just say no verbally.
22:30Would you like a wine? No!
22:32He doesn't want one.
22:33Maybe go non-verbal. Surprise me with a gesture.
22:35Can I give you a wine there? Oh!
22:39He's milking cows on the way home and won't have time to be drunk.
22:42Perhaps you're somewhere swanky for work
22:44and you want to show that you've travelled around the world.
22:46Maybe say no in a different language.
22:48Can I get you a wine? Nein!
22:50LAUGHTER
22:51Bitter Sherman.
22:52Perhaps make up an excuse.
22:54Would you like a wine?
22:56I have hepatitis C.
22:58Ooh!
22:59One more tip that I like to impart with people
23:01who need to learn to not have a wine at a work function.
23:04Just get rid of the wine. Destroy it all.
23:07Tip it down the sink.
23:08Would you like to...?
23:09Oh, dear. Oh.
23:12He's done it.
23:14No more wine.
23:15Say no to wine.
23:18Would you like a wine?
23:19No!
23:20LAUGHTER
23:21Sounds like he means it.
23:23APPLAUSE
23:26Alright, Mel.
23:27We've been at a few work functions together
23:29and I would say we kept pace when we were drinking.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:33In fact, many times I was following your lead, Mel.
23:36This video, Tom, and I thank you for the opportunity to make it,
23:40was a chance to say,
23:41hey, Mel, why don't you pull it back to a reasonable level
23:44where Tom drinks and just have 16 to 21 drinks at an event?
23:48LAUGHTER
23:50Your techniques were to say no, say no non-verbally,
23:55say no in another language,
23:56and also just to tip it down the sink.
23:58Have you ever tried that technique at a function?
24:00I've tried it in my own home with my parents.
24:02LAUGHTER
24:05Wow.
24:06How much trauma do we do on this show?
24:08How much trauma do we do on this show?
24:10I don't know.
24:11Keep the trauma at a level that we don't have to give out
24:14the lifeline number, OK?
24:15LAUGHTER
24:16Everyone's just trying to enjoy themselves.
24:18Note taken, yep.
24:19OK.
24:20Well, let's take a little break and maybe have a drinky-poo.
24:23We'll be back soon.
24:24APPLAUSE
24:25CHEERING
24:34Welcome back to Classmaster.
24:36Down the bottle, we've got a problem.
24:38Where are we, Tom?
24:40Our contestants are making instructional videos
24:42to teach you, the Taskmaster, something.
24:44Next up, it's Conchetta Caristo.
24:47Hi, Taskmaster, and welcome to my channel.
24:49Today, we're going to be doing the coolest, sickest look ever.
24:52Me.
24:53Today, my model, his name is Tomothy Cashman.
24:55Tom, how are you feeling?
24:57I'm feeling good.
24:58Let's get this blank, dull-as-F canvas
25:01looking into a beautiful beet face.
25:03We need to have, like, a base.
25:05Take the lightest colour and just put it on the base.
25:07You're trying to, like, get rid of the grease,
25:09which, let me tell you, Tom has a lot of.
25:11Also, it means the colours on top are going to freaking pop.
25:15And then all you want to do is you just want to get, like,
25:17a darker colour.
25:18You go to the corner of the eye.
25:20Yes, queen.
25:21And that just, like, elongates the eye.
25:22Next, now we want to beat the freaking face.
25:24Let's start with contour.
25:25Yes, keep pouting, honey, yes.
25:27Next, we want blush.
25:28This is, like, on the cheek.
25:30Oh, my God, you look so cute.
25:32Mascara.
25:33Honestly, you never go anywhere without mascara
25:35because it's so, like, it's so slutty.
25:39Yes, that looks hot.
25:42OK, open.
25:44Whoa!
25:46The camera guys all just got hard at the same time.
25:50That means we're on the right track.
25:52In an ideal world, we would have exfoliated Tom's dry,
25:56crusty lips, but we don't have to.
26:01And there you have it.
26:02This is how you go from looking drab to fab
26:05in a really simple, easy makeup tutorial.
26:07Good luck.
26:08See you.
26:14Well, Conchetta, I think you've done well there
26:16because you certainly have taught me a lot.
26:18I did learn about Lesser Tom's crusty lips.
26:20I didn't...
26:21I wasn't aware of that.
26:22Don't lick them, it makes it worse.
26:25It reminded me of those videos I scroll past on Instagram.
26:28Do you watch those videos?
26:30Mm-mm, yep.
26:31OK.
26:32That's the quintessential, like, YouTube girly,
26:34it's like a 20-minute video, and, like, it's full of personality.
26:38And I tried to just keep it real and fun.
26:41OK.
26:42Well, it was all new to me, so that was good,
26:44and also I'm really proud of the fact that I got away
26:46with saying that I was scrolling on Instagram,
26:48and I've not done that either.
26:51Can you imagine me?
26:52I'll look photos.
26:54I'll like.
26:55What?!
26:56All right, which of these gurus am I going to be forced to hear from next?
26:59Here, with some insights from the very important world of business,
27:02it's Aaron Chen.
27:04Hello.
27:05I'm playing you, Tom Gleeson, the Taskmaster,
27:09and I'm going to teach you how to negotiate in business
27:12and get to the next level with your finances.
27:15You're already doing pretty well,
27:17but I'm going to help you add a couple of zeros
27:20to whatever you're making now,
27:22and the way to do it is through children's books.
27:24You don't have any of your own, but Peter Hellyer does,
27:27and we're going to teach you how to acquire the rights.
27:41So I'm teaching you how to negotiate.
27:43Always know the numbers.
27:45Never go beyond your asking price.
27:47You brought an entourage.
27:49Real classy, Pete.
27:50The whole cast of The Project Carrie,
27:52Hamish McDonald, Sam Taunton.
27:54Now let's get into business.
27:56What have we got, Tom?
27:57We've got Frankie Fisherman Crab tripping with kids.
27:59We want the whole suite.
28:01And we can give you four marshmallows.
28:06What do you mean?
28:08You're an arsehole. I can't believe it.
28:10Fine, Pete.
28:11Five marshmallows. That's my final offer.
28:14You can take that to Cancun
28:16and make it look like Waikiki on a day off,
28:18like the Gold Coast.
28:20Guess what?
28:22I'll give you six and a half,
28:24and that's the highest I'm going to go.
28:28Can you believe this guy?
28:29No.
28:30Give us a moment, Pete.
28:32What's our final offer?
28:34Alright, Pete.
28:36We've talked to the accountants,
28:38and they've given us
28:40seven marshmallows.
28:42That's the final offer. We're walking.
28:46And that's how you negotiate.
28:48Remember, always be intimidating and rude,
28:51and say things like the F word.
28:53Don't forget to learn the names of all the kids' books,
28:55and number three is to remember to negotiate.
28:58Hard!
29:05I think you did teach me something.
29:07You taught me how to lose a negotiation,
29:09not win it.
29:10No, because we started by low-balling Pete Hellyer.
29:15He's got a great suite of books
29:17worth 20 to 30 marshmallows,
29:20but we got it from seven.
29:22But you start at four.
29:24You know this.
29:26I mean, you don't know this.
29:33Yeah, I feel like I wasn't learning from you.
29:35I think you accidentally taught me
29:37Pete's good negotiating technique,
29:38and that is say nothing, and the money just goes up.
29:42You're welcome.
29:45So, who's next?
29:46Here with some tips about staying alive,
29:48which, as our oldest contestant,
29:49he's something of an expert in,
29:50it's Pete Hellyer.
29:53Taskmaster, it's PH here.
29:56I know you grew up on a farm,
29:58but occasionally you visit a city.
30:00I'm going to show you how to survive on the streets
30:02here in my hometown, New York City.
30:08This looks like I'm having a lot of fun, Taskmaster,
30:10but look what's about to happen.
30:12Hey, give me your skateboard, kid.
30:19That was close.
30:20I got away with it because of my street smarts.
30:22But the lesson is,
30:23don't take your flash new skateboard
30:25around the streets of New York City.
30:31Just because these hoodlums think they're tough
30:32doesn't mean they don't want to get caught.
30:34So I suggest always collecting some evidence
30:36when you're being attacked.
30:37Oi, give me your jewellery.
30:40Hey, smile.
30:41Oh, no.
30:42Please, please, delete them.
30:43Delete those photos.
30:44Only if you promise to give up your life of crime.
30:47Fine.
30:48Deal.
30:50But sometimes the odds just aren't in your favour,
30:52and as the kids say, you need to skedaddle.
30:55Give me your iPad.
30:56There's an iPad over there, look.
30:59Help!
31:00Help!
31:01Help!
31:02I'm in danger.
31:03Get in.
31:06You're safe now.
31:07Let's get out of here.
31:08Let's go.
31:12You're hot.
31:21That's, um...
31:22That part of New York looked like where I live.
31:26It was upstate New York.
31:29There were no buildings whatsoever,
31:31and even when you turned up to rescue yourself,
31:33you were in a ute.
31:34And when you were in the ute,
31:35you looked like someone from the country.
31:37You had a...
31:38You had an ecuberon.
31:40I thought...
31:41You weren't going to see through it.
31:42I thought, well, who's that?
31:43I thought, you know, the transformation was amazing.
31:45The illusion didn't work.
31:46I mean, at first I thought,
31:47oh, wow, he's jumped in a ute with his identical twin,
31:50and his twin doesn't know how to drive.
31:52Because did you get in the ute and then, to drive off,
31:56you just revved the ute in neutral?
31:59It obviously feels like an off-air conversation.
32:05OK, I don't know about you,
32:06but I need a break to let all that learning sink in.
32:09We'll be back soon!
32:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:21Welcome back to Taskmaster,
32:22where our comedians are competing for the chance
32:25to win a rare and mythical object,
32:27Pete Hellyer's gym clothes.
32:30Tell me, Alyssa, Tom, what are we doing now?
32:32Our contestants are trying to teach you something
32:34via the medium of instructional videos.
32:36Get out your blank tapes, because last up we have a VCR.
32:40It's a very confident redhead, Rhys Nicholson.
32:44I'm going to teach the Taskmaster how to tuck.
32:48Tuck.
32:49Oh, tuck.
32:50Tuck.
32:51Tuck.
32:52Hello, I'm comedian and publicly maligned drag judge,
32:56Rhys Nicholson,
32:57and today we're going to talk about tucking.
33:00What's tucking, you ask?
33:02What's tucking?
33:03Good question, Tom.
33:04Tucking is the multi-part process
33:06designed to create a flat appearance down there.
33:08Why would you want to do that, you ask?
33:10Well, to read to children.
33:12So we're going to start by grabbing the little fijoas,
33:16and we're just going to very simply pop them up into here.
33:20With me so far?
33:21Use tape or gaff to secure the little guys
33:24in place against the body.
33:26The tape is wrapped around the area,
33:28creating a flat appearance.
33:30Adjust for comfort.
33:36And that's how you tuck.
33:39Oh.
33:40How about we get a drink?
33:42Come on, toots.
33:50Just to be clear to the families who are watching,
33:52like whole families at home,
33:53we're just talking about hiding fruit in a skeleton.
33:56It's a fun game.
33:57They do it on PlaySchool.
33:59But I must say,
34:00it's like there was a bit more to it than I thought,
34:03and I have a bigger respect now.
34:05There's a lot of work and kind of pain involved in doing drag,
34:09not just the shoes,
34:10but, yeah, you've got to push it up there.
34:12Yeah, you've got to really suffer for your art.
34:14And some drag queens, there's a lot to tuck,
34:17and there's a lot of tape to be placed there
34:20and a lot of tucking to be done.
34:22And so what Rhys is trying to say
34:23is sometimes you have to try to hide a whole fruit shop
34:26inside a skeleton.
34:27Yeah, yeah.
34:28Alright, well, I have to score, don't I?
34:30Well, I've got to put Pete in one.
34:32OK.
34:33Because he taught me how to survive an urban area
34:35in a regional area,
34:36and I just...
34:37I know how to survive a regional area.
34:39You've just got to be racist.
34:41Anyway...
34:44I'm going to give two points to Mel
34:46because you were trying to make out that drinking's a problem
34:49and we know in Australia it's not.
34:52I'm going to give three points to Aaron
34:54because he taught me the great negotiating technique
34:56that Pete used through all those years of the project.
34:59And I'm going to give four points to Conchetta
35:01because I've never seen those videos before
35:03and I've learnt all kinds of things about how to put on make-up,
35:06which I'll use later.
35:07But for five points, they're going to Rhys
35:10because I really did learn something from them.
35:14Genuine learning.
35:17Do you have one last task in the chamber for us tonight, Tom?
35:21Yes, we do, and I suck.
35:25Ha-ha-ha-ha!
35:27This next task involves insults
35:29and I didn't feel comfortable using anyone else as an example.
35:33LAUGHTER
35:53Your task's over there.
35:54Is it?
35:55What have we got here?
35:57Oh, there's a microphone here, Tom.
35:59To sting.
36:01Is it on?
36:02No.
36:03Here we go.
36:06Roast each character the quickest.
36:08So we're after speed.
36:11Bang, bang, bang.
36:12It's like quick fire.
36:14Your roast must be relevant to the character.
36:17I'm a good person.
36:19Really?
36:20No.
36:21Quickest average response time wins.
36:24It doesn't have to be best roast, it's relevant roast.
36:28Also, the best overall roaster will get two bonus points.
36:31Holy smokes.
36:33Tom will unveil the characters from left to right
36:35beginning in one minute.
36:36Your time starts now.
36:37And you're allowed to go racial.
36:40I didn't say that,
36:41but there's also nothing in the rules to prevent that.
36:49All right, chuck me some mint jelly, Lesser Tom,
36:51because I enjoy a good roast.
36:52Let's see what these guys have.
36:54These three must be thirsty toilets
36:56because they love taking the piss.
36:57It's Aaron, Mel and Peter.
37:00Are you ready?
37:01Yeah, sure, let's do it.
37:02I'm kind of nervous.
37:03Do you want to practice on me?
37:04Tom, you stink and you look like an idiot.
37:07You're green, blue suited, bloody whistle blowing.
37:11Get a clue.
37:13Okay, yeah, let's go.
37:14I'm ready.
37:17Is it a lamb?
37:19You look like a goat.
37:21If it was ugly.
37:24Boring.
37:28You know, I would actually go on a date with Tom Cruise
37:32before I'd go on a date with you.
37:33That's an old advertising reference in Australia.
37:36You little f***ing lamb.
37:42You creepy b***h.
37:43Imagine a baby was so stupid that it had long hair.
37:49Wearing white?
37:51Okay, still a virgin.
37:52What a nerd.
37:53Ever done a root?
37:54I've done heaps.
37:55I've done four just this week, baby.
37:57How old are you?
37:58You're obviously some Benjamin Button type freak.
38:02I think you're a porcelain b***h.
38:07Is that Peter Hellier?
38:08Mm-hmm.
38:09Um, because I didn't recognise him
38:11because he's not famous anymore.
38:15Oh, well this is you fat f***er.
38:18Seriously.
38:19Do they make those shorts for men?
38:21Wow.
38:22What's with the spray tan?
38:23It's a bit dark for my liking, to be honest.
38:25It's going to get you into trouble.
38:26And guess what, Pete?
38:28You smell...
38:31Here.
38:33Uh-oh.
38:34Baldy, baldy, baldy, baldy, baldy, bald man.
38:40You can't even stay on your seat, you arsehole.
38:43Imagine breaking so easily.
38:46Guess what I've got?
38:47An actual working penis and a scrotum.
38:51Oh.
38:55Who are you?
38:56You're like a real version of that guy,
38:58but even, even stinkier.
39:05Hello, loser.
39:06I'm sure you're a nice man,
39:08but your twin brother is a bit freaky, to be honest.
39:11Although, he's better looking than you are.
39:13He's much better looking, he's younger.
39:15And to be honest, I don't think you have genitals either, mate.
39:17To be honest, looking down there,
39:18he's got a bigger bulge than you have.
39:20I'm getting a real left school at 14,
39:22just dug myself a job out of the trenches kind of a vibe.
39:25What's your name?
39:26Joe.
39:27Joe?
39:28Get a longer name.
39:30I see that I've hurt your feelings,
39:32which is exactly, exactly my want.
39:35Nice to meet you, mate.
39:36I'm sure you're a very nice guy.
39:38Thanks, Mel.
39:41Goodnight, Boston.
39:48Now, Aaron, you were making fun of Pete for not being famous.
39:51Is that right?
39:52Is that the dig you were getting out there?
39:54I panicked cos I saw the picture and I didn't know who it was
39:57and then word association, recognise, famous,
40:00and then Pete's one of the most famous guys in the country.
40:05Yeah, so when you were having a go at his phone...
40:09You can't smooth over a roast.
40:11You can't take it back cos then the roast loses its sting.
40:15Pete sucks.
40:18Well, in fact, that happened to you, Pete.
40:20You were launching into the bald man at the end there
40:22and then at the end you actually seemed quite nice.
40:24You couldn't quite stick to...
40:26I'm not an inside comic.
40:27It's very uncomfortable for me.
40:29I actually took that guy home, I brought him dinner and I...
40:36And the disguise had worked.
40:41But it was genuinely an uncomfortable experience
40:44and then when I saw a human man there,
40:47that was kind of terrifying.
40:48That wasn't comfortable.
40:49Mel didn't flinch.
40:50No.
40:51You were just like,
40:52there's the f***head who looks like the mannequin
40:54and you were just straight in.
40:55A professional.
40:56Yeah.
40:59Did you have a little moment of doubt before you ripped in there?
41:02No, I think I even implied he was a homosexual
41:05even though I myself am.
41:07Still a burn on both of us, though.
41:10OK, we're actually looking for the most quick-witted, so...
41:13That's right.
41:14Who was the quickest?
41:15Pete, your average response time was 13.8 seconds.
41:18Mel, 8.4 seconds.
41:20Aaron, 8.2 seconds.
41:24Oh, OK.
41:26It's time for some ads, but watch out.
41:28If you don't come back after the break,
41:30we'll be roasting you next.
41:31See you after this!
41:41Look, I know you're watching it now, but how about watching more later?
41:44Catch every moment of triumph and utter humiliation
41:46of Taskmaster Australia with full episodes
41:48at tenplay.com.au or the TenPlay app.
41:57Welcome back to Taskmaster.
41:58What are we up to here, Les and Tom?
42:00We're doing a roast race so far.
42:02Aaron, Mel and Pete have taken no prisoners,
42:04which is good because that wasn't the task
42:06and it would be illegal.
42:09Now it's time for Conchita and Rhys.
42:11I'm a terrible roaster.
42:12Ready?
42:13Yep.
42:16You big idiot.
42:18The thing about lambs is that...
42:23Are you OK?
42:24No.
42:25And you have your one ear up and your one ear down,
42:27you're always listening for people to be bitching about you
42:30and we're bitching, all right?
42:32Lambs.
42:33Better eaten than alive.
42:36Is that a roast?
42:37Go to the next one.
42:43I'm having a full-blown mental breakdown, Tom.
42:45You bitch.
42:47You stupid little bitch.
42:50And you wear your pearls like,
42:52I'm Dame Judi Dench.
42:54We know you love to get f***ed.
43:01Where does she get her hair done?
43:03The bad wig store?
43:05Move on.
43:07Oh, my God.
43:09Mate, mullets are normal.
43:11It's not funny.
43:13Everyone has a mullet.
43:14This is the best photo of Peter Hellyer I've ever seen.
43:18Move on.
43:21Did you really have to get my ex out here?
43:24You know, it's horrible.
43:25This is what I look like without my wig on.
43:27How dare you wear that top that I bought for you, OK?
43:30You shouldn't be wearing that because that has memories
43:33and it makes me uncomfortable.
43:34And also, you're bad at sex.
43:37When I see him, I think of you,
43:39just completely nondescript and bringing nothing to the situation.
43:43That's a roast for both of you.
43:44Move on.
43:45Oh, no!
43:47Now I feel bad about what I said about that man.
43:51You f***er.
43:54Dressing up like my ex.
43:56Let me start by saying you look better than that one,
44:00but not much.
44:01You think you're really cute.
44:03You think I'm one of the cute guys.
44:04I'm not one of the bad guys.
44:05You're one of the bad guys!
44:09I've hated this,
44:10and I reckon this is the worst task that I've done.
44:13I'm so sorry.
44:14I didn't mean it.
44:15Her, I didn't mean to, but not him.
44:18Oh, God, I feel dirty.
44:21Bye, Tom.
44:22This has been real bad,
44:23and I look forward to being roasted in the studio for it.
44:33Wow, Conchetta.
44:34At one stage, you said, I'll quote,
44:36you bitch, you stupid little bitch.
44:39How did you come up with that witty wordplay?
44:44Just off the cuff.
44:46Really?
44:47Oh, you didn't prepare it earlier.
44:49I couldn't tell, because it was just so well written.
44:52Why are you being so nice to me?
44:57LAUGHTER
44:59So, Rhys, why are you so averse to roasting?
45:02You're quite happily abusing everyone in the studio.
45:04It seems to come quite naturally.
45:06It was the only task, I think, out of the whole run
45:09that, at the end, Tom was quite genuine when he went,
45:12are you OK?
45:14Well, I've seen your stand-up, and a lot of it's self-deprecating.
45:17So what you do is, when you're roasting,
45:19is you just take all that self-loathing
45:21and just put it on other people.
45:23Oh, that would kill them.
45:26I get a lot of anger and sadness, and I push it down,
45:29and I'm either making a diamond or a tumour.
45:35I feel like we need some final scores,
45:37because, again, it was about their average
45:39at how quick they were with coming up with a roast.
45:41Conchita's average response time was 12.4 seconds,
45:44putting her in third place currently.
45:46Rhys' average response time was 46.4 seconds.
45:50Oh, wow.
45:52APPLAUSE
45:56All right.
45:57So now we need you to assess the best overall roaster.
46:00It really was just pouring out of Mel Buddle, wasn't it?
46:03I mean, when the mannequin was there and a man with emotions,
46:07it made no difference.
46:09So I think the bonus points go to Mel.
46:11We've got Rhys with one point, Pete with two,
46:13Conchita with three, Aaron with five,
46:15but Mel takes six points.
46:17Yes!
46:19Now, before we send everyone upstairs for a live task,
46:22are we allowed to have a little peek at the scoreboard, please?
46:25Lesser Tom.
46:26So stuck on the ground floor is Conchita.
46:28At the moment, in the elevator are Pete and Rhys.
46:30But living that penthouse lifestyle are Mel and Aaron,
46:33both with 14 points.
46:35Yes!
46:37All right, you lot, scram.
46:39It's time for your live task.
46:41Get upstairs!
46:46What am I looking at there, Lesser Tom?
46:48Conchita, could you please read the task?
46:50Reband your tennis balls off a ramp and stick them to your suits.
46:54A tennis ball stuck to a limb or body gets one point.
46:57A tennis ball stuck to a head gets three points.
47:00A tennis ball stuck to anyone else's suit gets five points.
47:04You must remain on your spots at all times.
47:07To count, the balls must bounce off a ramp.
47:11Most points win.
47:12You have two minutes from Tom's whistle.
47:14Are we ready?
47:15Yep.
47:16Yeah.
47:17WHISTLE BLOWS
47:23Nope.
47:36Does that count?
47:38Oh, you!
47:40No!
47:41OK, come on, Jack.
47:44This is ****.
47:47Oh!
47:50Oh!
47:53Oh, my God.
47:57Oh!
48:07This is going so poorly.
48:11Oh!
48:18Oh!
48:21Oh!
48:22Oh, ****!
48:30WHISTLE BLOWS
48:35All right, we've got to clean this **** up.
48:37We'll see you after the break.
48:48Welcome back to Taskmaster.
48:50We've consulted our primary school dictionary
48:52and assessed all the tennis ball peggings, sconnings, axings
48:56and falcons from our live tasks.
48:59Lesser Tom, what kind of scores are we looking at?
49:01In last place, with seven body shots, we have Mel,
49:05then Pete.
49:06Pete, you had eight body shots.
49:08We had Rhys.
49:09You had two body shots, two head shots.
49:11Conchetta, you had four body shots and then also three head shots,
49:14so 13 points total.
49:16Aaron had ten body shots, one head shot and two balls on someone else
49:20with 23 points.
49:24That means Mel gets one point, Pete with two.
49:26Rhys, three.
49:27Conchetta, four.
49:28And Aaron takes home the task with five points.
49:31Wow.
49:33And more importantly, who won tonight's episode?
49:36So in fifth to second, we have Conchetta, Pete, Mel and Rhys,
49:39but with his tear-away live task effort,
49:41Aaron is the winner with 19 points.
49:47Congratulations, Aaron.
49:49You are the winner.
49:50Please ascend to the stage and enjoy your prizes in silence.
50:00All right, other Tom, let's have a little looky-look
50:02at our season scores.
50:04So now that we've completed five out of our ten episodes,
50:06we can officially say that on 81 points,
50:09Rhys has won the first half of Taskmaster.
50:11Woo!
50:15All right, and just like that,
50:16we're at the end of another episode of Taskmaster.
50:18But what did we learn?
50:19We learnt that only 40% of Australian comedians
50:22know how to row a boat.
50:25We learnt that the world can be a very tough place
50:27for a little girl with lovely long hair.
50:31But most importantly, we learnt that Aaron is the winner
50:34of episode five.
50:37See you next week.
50:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
51:00I'm going to eat your arse, Tom Cashman.
51:02How does that make you feel?
51:03I didn't like it.
51:04Maybe I'm having a stroke.
51:06This is so scary.
51:07I don't get it!
51:08It's like you don't watch the clips, honestly.
51:11Oh, yes!
51:12Shut the f*** up!
51:13Sorry.
51:14Come on, banter!
51:16See, it's shit!