As he grappled with identity and fitting in, Catholicism was Joakim's safe space. Now as an adult, he is trying to embrace his faith once again.
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00:00I graduated in 2000. I've not been back since.
00:07A lot of the buildings have changed, but the layout still looks a little bit similar.
00:13There's a lot of things to share, like do we have an hour or two for this?
00:22It's a bit of a story.
00:29Alright, so when I came in here, I was kind of wondering where's the canteen because
00:35the clock tower is here. That means the canteen should have been somewhere here,
00:40but it's not the parade square, which is interesting because back then,
00:44my parade square used to be here, where the car park is now.
00:47Then, to see that it's now become a secondary school general office and
00:52primary school general office. Back then, I only remember it only had one general office.
00:57I am just kind of wondering whether I can find my old classroom.
01:02My experience in this school is a mixture of positives and negatives.
01:07This path we're walking on, again, I think I might have gotten it wrong,
01:11but this is where, I think it's somewhere here or either there.
01:16It's where the discipline master's office used to be. I was a regular.
01:21Recess time, I had to be here with my lunchbox outside because they saw me as a disruptive kid.
01:27I had to do my math homework and math books or whatsoever outside the discipline master's office.
01:35So, as my friends were playing football in P5 and P6, I was the one doing math textbooks outside.
01:39I feel like we should sit down and I can really share with you more as I go about it.
01:43Okay, wow. Wow, okay.
01:51It definitely smells a lot cleaner than my time.
01:57And I hope not to break the chair.
02:01I think I was a bit noisy, a bit too, hey, look at me, you know, look at me.
02:06I wanted that kind of attention.
02:08I know there was a part of me that wanted to be that cool guy,
02:11wanted to be the guy that everyone liked in class.
02:13So, I think because of that and it's such a forced act,
02:18it led me to become something else.
02:20There were very little non-Chinese.
02:25I think for me, I was the only one that was like Korean-Indian, Korean-Indian-Portuguese.
02:29There was no hint of Chinese blood in me.
02:31Honestly, when I was in Primary 1, I didn't think too much about it.
02:34But as you got older and you realise like, hey, some of the insults that I'm getting,
02:37some of the banter that I'm getting is not normal.
02:41Like, I don't hear other people making fun of someone else's skin colour.
02:47So, some of the teachers will always say the words,
02:49oh, ignore them, ignore them, you know, they make fun.
02:51Just ignore them, don't give them fuel to add to the fire.
02:54I'm eight.
02:56How do you explain to an eight-year-old what ignore them is?
02:59I think that's very tough.
03:00I would stand up to my bullies, I'll push them.
03:02And they'll do what footballers do, they'll take a dive.
03:05They'll drama a little bit.
03:07Then everyone will be like, oh, joking.
03:09So, somehow, after that racial insult, when I react in not a good way,
03:15I get in trouble because I pushed him and I put hands on him.
03:18And back then, the teachers weren't really equipped to deal with these things.
03:24But I'm pretty sure it's different now.
03:26I'm pretty sure the schools want to give them the adequate knowledge
03:28on how to handle such incidents if there is a minority race in the class.
03:33Some of the teachers here were very supportive of me.
03:36They were very encouraging and say, actually, Joakim, you know, you're a good boy, you know.
03:40There's actually a teacher where I bumped into her,
03:44tapped me on my shoulder.
03:45It's like, Zhou Jing, my Mandarin name, Joakim Zhou Jing.
03:48And she goes, ah, Ding laoshi!
03:50Then she, wah, you still remember me?
03:52I said, yeah, I will never forget you.
03:54I told her my broken Mandarin.
03:59And I said this word for word.
04:02I know it's wrong and the phrasing is wrong.
04:04But I said, like, you really helped me out
04:06and you gave me a lot of good advice and support.
04:09I won't forget how you were very kind to me
04:12and you always stood by me and you're very supportive, you know.
04:15She tagged me in a picture, which I hope I have it here somewhere.
04:18We took a picture together.
04:20And she said, you know, I'm very proud of you.
04:21Good to see you doing well now.
04:23And I said, well, thank you very much.
04:24You know, it really means a lot to me as well.
04:28Yeah, it's still here.
04:30I think they've changed the layout a little bit.
04:32But this entire stretch here
04:35was where my Primary 4 and Primary 5 classroom were.
04:38So the reason why I remember where my Primary 4 class used to be
04:41is because the chapel is right here.
04:44The chapel is still the same, it's not changed.
04:46There were times where it might get a bit too much for me.
04:50And I knew this place would always be very quiet.
04:53So I'll come here.
04:54It still feels very surreal that
04:57this space looks exactly the same.
04:59I think they did not touch this space at all during renovations
05:02because the floor tiling and even the pews.
05:06I won't be surprised if it's from my time.
05:14So there'll be times during recess where, you know,
05:17you are an angry 6 to 12-year-old kid.
05:22Life gets too much.
05:24You're looking for some sort of healing and peace and comfort.
05:27Come to the quietest place.
05:28It's not the library, it's the chapel.
05:30I'll just sit here and, you know, tear up a little bit and cry.
05:33Then I'll look and I'll go like,
05:34why life is so difficult?
05:35Why am I getting bullied?
05:37But you're on the cross.
05:38I'm sure you must have had a tougher life than I have.
05:42I remember coming in here and I would pray for things like
05:46strength, peace, discernment.
05:50So I did find a bit of peace and solace here.
05:53And this became, in a way, my hiding place for a while.
05:57As I got older, I remember being a little bit
06:00sceptical about a few things.
06:02I had questions to ask.
06:03And I think everyone at a certain phase in life
06:07will have the same experience as well.
06:09Your journey with God is bilateral.
06:11It's just between you and God.
06:13Nobody else has to know,
06:15unless you want to share your journey and your destiny.
06:27Alright, so we're currently at New Age Bishan Park.
06:31But during my time in the late 90s and 2000s,
06:36especially in primary school,
06:38it wasn't like this.
06:40The McDonald's wasn't even here yet.
06:42It was just a patch of grass and primary school boys
06:45being primary school boys.
06:47One soccer ball, patch of grass, go and play.
06:50And we'll use our school shoes as a goalpost.
06:58I don't think there was...
07:00I don't think there was a difference on how I was treated.
07:02I think how they treated me in school,
07:06despite playing football,
07:08if there were insults or I did something that they deemed uncool,
07:11it might come out again.
07:13So I don't think there's a football joke-im
07:17or a primary school joke-im.
07:18It's just joke-im, joke-im.
07:28When someone asks me the question about
07:30which race or culture I identify with,
07:33I give the most cliché answer and say
07:36I think I identify as being Singaporean.
07:38Because I'm open to everyone's cultures and beliefs.
07:41I think the common stereotype is
07:43oh, you're Indian, that means you celebrate Tibah Bali.
07:45The answer is no.
07:46Yes, I'm Indian, but I'm Roman Catholic.
07:49We observe Good Friday, we observe Christmas.
07:52Anybody invites me over to their place for Chinese New Year,
07:55I'll go over and have fun.
07:56I'll win your money, I hope.
07:58If anybody invites me to their place for Hari Raya,
08:00I'll try to find baju and I'll wear it and go.
08:03I mean, I won't, of course, burn jawsticks
08:05or carry the Kaladi or whatsoever.
08:07But to be there in the moment, to embrace their culture,
08:10to embrace someone else's beliefs,
08:12I stand strongly for that.
08:14I think I never was confused about my religion and faith.
08:17I think I was confused about being accepted as a person
08:21or, you know, for my race
08:23or, for the lack of better two words, my skin colour.
08:26My religion never did play a part
08:28because when I was at church, it's really like
08:31if you're Catholic, you go through the same motion,
08:34you go through the same beliefs.
08:36There's no different way to do about it.
08:38Catholics come from all walks of life.
08:39You have Chinese Catholics, you have Indian Catholics,
08:42you have Eurasian Catholics.
08:43There are people from all races that come together
08:45to attend the same thing.
08:46So I didn't hear any like, oh, you know, you're black this
08:48or you're brown that or you're white that.
08:50I didn't hear that.
08:51In there, when you see people of different races
08:54praying to that same God that you believe in,
08:58I think it's universally accepted.
09:03I got older, past my 20s,
09:05where, you know, you had a bit of independent thinking.
09:07So I had plenty of questions and I,
09:09somewhere along the way, I kind of lost faith a little bit.
09:11I want to try to regain that same,
09:14that same belief I had as a kid.
09:16So yeah.
09:22So every Sunday, right,
09:24if I attend Mass with my mum,
09:26in the mornings or evenings,
09:28you know, she'll always insist to sit here.
09:32Like, right here.
09:34Like, joke for me.
09:35I was like, okay, but why so close?
09:37You know, just sit behind.
09:38No, no, must sit here.
09:39I was like, okay.
09:40So I'll be the quiet one.
09:42I'll just sit here and wait for a while.
09:44She'll come up the stairs,
09:45you know, she'll come up the stairs.
09:46I'll just sit here and wait for a while.
09:48I'll just sit here and wait for a while.
09:50She'll come up the stairs and she'll sit next to me.
09:52Yeah, this is where we sit.
09:54We are at Christ the King.
09:56This is the parish church that my mum and I
09:58would come to every Sunday,
09:59or at least I try to come every Sunday.
10:012015, 2016, I stopped going for a while.
10:07It's not that I stopped believing,
10:08but it's more of,
10:10there are just some things where I hear
10:12or some things that people practice
10:16that go to church,
10:17which I sometimes disagree with,
10:19or I also have a lot of questions.
10:21So I think it was Christmas of 2022.
10:24My mum, she was like,
10:26come with me.
10:28Come to church with me.
10:29Initially, I was like,
10:30Ma, you go, you know,
10:31let your journey with God and Jesus be bilateral.
10:34But upon her insistence and,
10:38you know, you want to spend more time with your mum, right?
10:41So I said, okay, I'll come with you.
10:43That could have been my first
10:45mass in a very long time with her.
10:47And then from then on,
10:48I tried to keep going regularly.
10:50Everybody, no matter what religion you're in,
10:53you might have questions.
10:55You might one day ask yourself,
10:57or even ask someone up there like,
10:58hey, is what I'm believing in correct?
11:00Is it, you know, the one true God and all that?
11:03So I believe you might go through a phase
11:05like that in life.
11:07And hopefully when you come out of it,
11:10you have more answers than questions.
11:12I feel that as an adult,
11:15if I didn't have faith in this period of time,
11:19I have this feeling I think
11:20I might still be the same person,
11:22stressed about how much is in the bank,
11:24stressed about where's my future going,
11:26stressed about, you know, what matters.
11:28I think having faith and having someone to believe in,
11:32someone to turn to when times are really dark and grey,
11:35someone up there listening to you,
11:37even though it shouldn't be the only case,
11:39I think it helps to ease the burden
11:41and also ease the stress.
11:42With faith, it makes the journey easier for me at least.
11:45Every Sunday is just a reminder
11:47to humble yourself in front of God.
11:49Remember that we are all sinners.
11:52Jesus died for our sins.
11:54Having someone die for your potential mistakes
11:58and your mistakes,
11:59I think that could be one of the
12:03more humbling feelings ever.
12:06Coming back to church was
12:08more of spending time with mum,
12:10but then now I've realised that
12:12I'm on my own journey.
12:14I don't really have the answers yet,
12:16but I acknowledge that I'm walking on my own journey.