"I can't save him, but I can keep him alive long enough until he gets better."
Ian has been struggling with substance use disorder for the past decade. His mother and his sister have been helping him get sober. Last year, Brut filmmaker Léo Hamelin documented Ian's first 21 days of recovery. Shortly after, he relapsed... and we kept filming.
Ian has been struggling with substance use disorder for the past decade. His mother and his sister have been helping him get sober. Last year, Brut filmmaker Léo Hamelin documented Ian's first 21 days of recovery. Shortly after, he relapsed... and we kept filming.
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00:00I fell off a longboard at 16 and went into a coma for a couple months.
00:05It went from popping pills every day, selling pills, to getting dope, to selling dope.
00:10Watching somebody you love more than anything choose a substance like heroin, you see the light leave their eyes.
00:17I was shooting up heroin and meth on a daily basis.
00:22I could tell he was really f***ed up, really depressed, really low.
00:24And he was like, Mary, if I stay here I'm gonna die. I know it. I feel it. I need you to come and get me.
00:29So I was like, alright, I got you, like, of course. I'm documenting this.
00:34Wood all around, and I kind of just pace around, wander, and try to avoid these little demons in my head.
00:44What day sober are we?
00:4621 days.
00:4721!
01:00Last year, I met two siblings who are at the center of the opioid crisis.
01:04Ian, who's been struggling with a substance use disorder for the past decade,
01:09and his sister Mary Rose, who's been trying to help him.
01:12I had filmed Ian's first 21 days of recovery in a cabin in Vermont.
01:17Here's what happened since.
01:19Okay, so it is like 5.30 a.m.
01:24I am driving back to New Jersey right now because Ian relapsed.
01:31It's been a f***ing shitshow.
01:37I am wondering if somebody, a young male about 6'1", 6'2",
01:43put the tattoos on his arm, if he came in here for any reason, specifically maybe an overdose.
01:55I'm doing good.
01:57Your family called because they thought you were overdosing.
01:59No, no, no, no, no.
02:01I was just...
02:03No, no, no, I was just taking a nap, but I didn't take anything.
02:08I haven't taken anything. I just got home.
02:11Ian, Ian.
02:13I just got home, sir.
02:14They wouldn't call us if they weren't concerned that you took something.
02:18I'm not going to leave here until I...
02:20I had needles on him earlier.
02:22I had needles on him earlier.
02:24Okay, the fact that you are okay.
02:28I am at this tower thing right now.
02:31I'm avoiding Ian, and it is torture.
02:35Torture.
02:37So, I don't know what to do anymore.
02:42When it's a parent or a sibling, it's very different than when it's your son or your child.
02:48Your child is the worst.
02:50I would say the fear is probably the hardest part.
02:52The constant fear.
02:53Because even if they're doing good and they don't answer the phone or something,
02:56you're always like, where is he? What's he doing?
03:00Death is the fear.
03:03You're worried about that every single day.
03:07You're always ready for that phone call when you're with somebody like that.
03:13Welcome back. Everyone's been asking about you.
03:18What's up, guys? How are your lives going?
03:22Right now, I've got like, what, three days on my belt?
03:25No, you have like one day.
03:27We're not jumping bullets with this one.
03:29Two days.
03:30You have one day.
03:31You have one day.
03:33Alright, we're going by...
03:35We're not even counting days anymore.
03:37Ian, are you still okay with me recording you?
03:40I'm going to stop trying to figure out how to get high every day.
03:43I'm going to try to figure out how I need to do better.
03:48You know what I mean? Like, fall, get back up.
04:09I said you're not enough, boy.
04:16We're going to keep fighting day and night.
04:18Cause no one's going to change a thing, just mine.
04:29Oh, I love you.
04:40Hi.
04:41Where is she?
04:42Recording us.
04:44Isn't that the whole point?
04:45It is.
04:47Dude, I'm not even high.
04:49We have work to do.
04:50Okay, so?
04:55I came home.
04:58Got into a fight.
05:00And got arrested after the fight.
05:02Because I have warrants.
05:04Ended up in jail for like three or four days.
05:07And I think I overdosed within an hour of getting out of jail.
05:13And I've just kind of been off and on since then, I guess.
05:20I could have a couple days here.
05:24A couple days there.
05:29That's kind of how it's been.
05:31I just, I'm not, I don't like living at home.
05:34I'm where when my mental space needs to get the fuck out of somewhere.
05:38And I need to get the fuck out of here.
05:40And I need you to pull through.
05:43Okay.
05:44It's not like a funny thing, you know.
05:46I'm not worried about it.
05:48Alright, go ahead. Deal.
05:49We'll shake on it.
05:51I'm sorry.
05:52Always causing pain.
05:53You better pull through, man.
05:56So how have you like maintained your empathy and compassion for Ian?
06:01Even through him not caring?
06:04Well, everybody with addiction is different.
06:08Like when people say, throw him out, don't throw him out.
06:12Ian wasn't coming home, smashing furniture.
06:15He wasn't stealing my car.
06:17He wasn't wrestling my bag out of my hands.
06:19Like he didn't do any of that.
06:21You have other, you can't accept behavior from someone in addiction
06:24that you wouldn't accept from them if they were sober.
06:27How did you, my Rose, keep your empathy?
06:30Towards Ian?
06:31Yeah.
06:32I just always liked him.
06:33There's no other way to describe it.
06:35Like I've just always liked my brother.
06:37And that's important for parents to realize too.
06:40Like while you're trying to help this one,
06:42you also have to try to help your other children too.
06:45Like that's, that's a big part of it.
06:47You also have to try to help your other children too.
06:50Like that's something that would bother me when I was younger,
06:52like walking home and seeing my brother high on the ground.
06:55Like that's just something that's like,
06:56I don't want to come home and see that every day.
06:58Like I...
06:59It's a hopeless feeling when you're kicking in the bathroom door
07:03and you know, my brother had to break the door down for me.
07:06You have a kid who has addiction or someone in your house with it,
07:09take the locks off your doors.
07:10Because you're going to have to get in those rooms.
07:12They like going in and locking the door and doing what they want to do.
07:15Get some Narcan. It's brutal.
07:19I can't save him,
07:20but I can keep him alive long enough until he's ready to get better.
07:26It was just a downward spiral.
07:30And it was just watching him die all over again.
07:33You know, and it's, it's really, it was really hard to see it.
07:37He ended up getting arrested and going to jail.
07:42His father pressed charges against him for stealing checks.
07:46His goal was really to get to stop him from getting high.
07:51You're just in a cell 24-7.
07:54You have 15 minutes and you can either shower or make a phone call.
07:57What were you thinking about?
08:01How long am I going to sit here?
08:04Is dad full of shit?
08:06Is he going to drop the charges?
08:08Is Mary actually going to come bail me out?
08:11Should I call my dealer?
08:13He'll probably bail me out.
08:16I can literally look out and like see mom's house.
08:19You saw me, right? You saw me?
08:21Yeah.
08:25Okay, so Ian asked me to put a heart in his name in front of the jail.
08:30So that's what I'm doing.
08:31I don't know if you can see it yet,
08:33but it's becoming what it's supposed to be.
08:39So we're in front of the jail.
08:41Ian's getting out today.
08:43Brother!
08:45Exciting things are happening.
08:47Brother!
08:49Yeah!
08:52Best friend is finally out of jail.
08:57I'm so excited.
08:59I'm so excited.
09:01I'm so excited.
09:03I'm so excited.
09:05I'm so excited.
09:07I'm so excited.
09:15Buddy jail.
09:17First in a jail meal.
09:21Said something funny but tiktok inappropriate.
09:25I went food shopping today.
09:27Good match.
09:28No, I look fine.
09:30You look like you're dying.
09:32Ow.
09:33I'm finally ready to breathe.
09:35You'll be receiving a text message
09:38for you to report to probation for random drug testing for today.
09:50You're fat as hell, bro.
09:51I know, bro.
09:52I know.
09:53Sober way, dude.
09:54I seen you when you was walking right here.
09:56I'm like, yo, is that my man?
09:57They're like, who the hell is that?
09:59I'm like, nah, that's not my boy.
10:00I seen you walking.
10:01I was like, what the fuck?
10:02Hell yeah, man.
10:03I put on weight.
10:04That's crazy.
10:05When I got out of jail, I took drug court.
10:07So I pled guilty to, they ran five third degree charges.
10:12So I pled guilty to 25 years.
10:15So if I hook up, I'm going to do 25 years in prison.
10:19And that's a huge motivator.
10:22I want to say that's definitely a motivation to stay clean.
10:26So they just drug test me every day, basically.
10:29And I've been clean since December 14th, 2021.
10:34Being clean gets you, man.
10:35I'm not, I'm not even, dude, I got that in here too.
10:37Like if you could use even just half of like the energy we use to get high every day.
10:42My daddy's going to do amazing fucking things.
10:45Like don't go to jail.
10:54Helping the community.
11:03It's out here.
11:14You know what I'm saying?
11:15It's looking fresh.
11:16In the white.
11:17You know what I mean?
11:19It's been interesting to start opening up to my older brother again.
11:34I'm looking forward to Ian having a car more than anything else this year.
11:39Like I will not drive myself anywhere.
11:41I'm like, Ian, Ian, can you bring me to the gym?
11:44Can you pick me up?
11:45I love driving around.
11:48For like the last 11 years, it was like,
11:50why would I get close to somebody who I know is just going to end up hurting me?
11:55I didn't realize how much I didn't trust him
11:58for how much I didn't tell him or how much I didn't share with him
12:01or how much I avoided him until like maybe last month.
12:05So like that was just something that I did.
12:07And I know it's different this time.
12:09So it's exciting to see like us develop together
12:12and like to see me take down my walls,
12:14to watch him take down his walls and just kind of like reestablishing like,
12:18hey, like maybe it is kind of great to have somebody go through life with you.
12:22Or hey, like maybe it is fun to have somebody you could talk to every day.
12:27Hot sauce.
12:28I forgot I had hot sauce in my backpack.
12:32I forgot what it was like, like what guys were like
12:35until I started living with Ian again.
12:37I'm like, holy.
12:39Everyone gets a chance.
12:40I'm talking to a lot of people.
12:42I don't care what you look like, what you say you are, what you're doing,
12:45what your situation is.
12:47If you're vibing with me and you're supporting me
12:50and you're down to come chill, let's kick it.
12:52And if something great happens, it happens.
12:54If nothing happens, nothing happens.
12:56So I am down to give you tattoos and let you tattoo me
13:03and handcuff you and do crazy shit with you.
13:07Catch y'all later on.
13:12Bye.
13:13We'll see you later.
13:14I love you.
13:15Love you.
13:22So what are your aspirations here being an intern with us?
13:26My goal is to get the, you know, eventually the 500 hours
13:30and get state certified so that I could be able to
13:33professionally like jump into this.
13:35Yeah, that's really good.
13:37I'm excited.
13:38That's fantastic.
13:39Sometimes it's difficult for family and friends to get used to the change
13:42that someone is making.
13:45It's not that early.
13:46During maintenance, the person is beginning to feel more comfortable
13:49with the new behavior and their new identity.
13:53Relapse is still possible but less likely.
13:56So your job in the future, hopefully if you enjoy this
13:59and it's something you'd like to do, you'll be mediating.
14:03And I think you'll really like it because for me,
14:06when I first got into recovery, I didn't really have a voice.
14:11Like I was afraid to kind of push people.
14:13For some reason, I don't think you're going to have that problem.
14:15You're outgoing and engaging, but it definitely teaches you
14:19responsibility and showing up and being there for the group
14:22and like you get to see people grow.
14:25And it puts me in a position where I could finally use
14:28all of those negative experiences to make something positive out of it.
14:33You guys say like eight people in New Jersey die a day from an overdose.
14:36Like if I could make that seven for one day,
14:39it'll change someone's life or someone's parent's life
14:41or someone's sibling's life.
14:43And I think that's the reason why I went through everything.
14:46I went through it to be able to warp it into something positive for someone else.
14:51I think it's going to be incredible.
14:53I think it's going to be awesome.
15:00The full-time job of staying sober is easier than the full-time job
15:04of making sure I'm high all the time.
15:07And I don't get sick doing this stuff, so that's dope.
15:17Fill it up with water, take it in the morning.
15:21I don't really hang out with nobody that I used to hang out with.
15:24I don't go to any of the same places.
15:27I'm going to meetings, I'm doing an IOP, I'm doing this internship.
15:33Everything is kind of wrapped around being sober at this point.
15:41Even if those thoughts do come up,
15:45I'm not going to risk going to jail for a long time,
15:48for a couple hour high, maybe a couple hours.
15:58Risk and reward just makes no sense at this point.
16:10I like the haircut.
16:12You can see your scar now too from the accident.
16:15When I go bald, everyone can see it.
16:17I do like the haircut.
16:18My grandkids will be like, yeah, we didn't even know until you went bald.
16:22I'm going to show you what addiction looks like growing up.
16:25Going to school, they were always together these days,
16:27they always got along very well.
16:29Ian, like look at you, look how cute he is.
16:31Look at Ian, like Pop Warner.
16:32Typical life in the Burbs.
16:34It's just such a normal, like a normal family,
16:36like there's nothing crazy going on.
16:39Here's Ian as a blonde.
16:41It's not what people picture.
16:43Well, it's not what people picture with addiction.
16:45Because you have such a stigma when it comes to addiction,
16:47is what people think that it is,
16:49and it makes it very hard for people in recovery,
16:51very difficult, and the labels become very difficult
16:55for families to come out in the open and overcome it.
16:58And it would just be much simpler if people just accepted it
17:01like any other disease, because that's really what it is.
17:04I mean, it starts in the family and it ends in the family,
17:08so it affects everyone,
17:11and like everyone needs to heal in order for everyone to heal.
17:16Like if one is still sick, then it affects the rest of the family.
17:21How are you feeling? Are you feeling less scared?
17:24Yeah, because you can't live your life worrying every day.
17:28You just have to be hopeful.
17:30Do you still find yourself worrying sometimes, just out of habit?
17:32No.
17:33Oh, no!
17:36What?
17:37Always. Never will you not be worried.
17:39She's still nagging me to call you, and I'm like, no.
17:41She's nagging me to call you, too, just so you know.
17:43Yeah, tell her. Would you please tell her?
17:45I answer you when you call me.
17:47You don't answer.
17:48Mary will answer, so I don't answer.
17:51That's messed up, Ian.
17:53Stressing your mother.
17:54I think you should just figure it out yourself.
17:57Addiction is a family's disease.
18:00The whole family should be a part of the treatment process,
18:04because sobriety is a family's cure.
18:09So remember to enjoy the good times
18:13and stay in the moment.
18:19I just started crying because I'm helping Ian
18:22apply to Meriden Valley Community College right now,
18:26and I was, oh, I just started crying.
18:29I just started crying about it.
18:31I feel just so blessed to have my brother.
18:34I was trying to get you sober.
18:36You didn't even try.
18:37Look at those guns.
18:38I was trying to get you sober.
18:41But I still tried to push you through.
18:46I still love you.
18:49And the next two speakers are a brother-sister team.
18:52I know for a fact that none of us woke up one day and said,
18:59yeah, dude, today is the day that I dedicate my life
19:02to chasing substances to feel okay.
19:04That led me down a path full of jails and institutions.
19:08I was ruining most things that I had
19:10and some things around me for some dust in a bag.
19:14We treat the addiction community unfair.
19:16We blame them.
19:17We punish them.
19:18We shame them, and we put barriers between them
19:21and their ability to reconnect with society.
19:24So we stand here now with not an easy fix
19:27because they're giving us the opportunity
19:29to end this generational curse of addiction.
19:32If you told me a year ago that I would have eight months clean
19:35and be a couple months away from being a drug counselor,
19:38I definitely wouldn't have believed you.
19:40I will forever be grateful for the people that...
19:43Whoo!
19:48And it's definitely not an easy fix,
19:50but there is always hope.
20:00We got it, guys. We can do this.
20:02As a fam, put it in, guys. Go ahead.
20:04Get over your tongue.
20:06No getting to stay together.
20:08When you have a kid who's sober, parents need to enjoy it.
20:11Like, and you can't keep nagging about,
20:13you did this or you did that,
20:15because that's not going to help anybody.
20:17Like, I'm living the dream.
20:18She's been living her whole life for this.
20:20Right?
20:21It's the happiest she's ever been.
20:23In my life.
20:24Being here, both here, she loves it.
20:26I do.
20:27Remember that they have to enjoy the good times.
20:29We're doing so good.
20:31I'm jealous.
20:33This is the definition of teamwork makes the dream work, right?