Stand-up comic Saikiran's dissection of India's obsession with fairness is not just skin-deep.
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00:00Most girls who see me for the first time, don't like me.
00:03If only they spend some time with me and get to know me better,
00:06they start to truly hate me.
00:10I love my mother. She's a good mother.
00:12I tell everywhere, she's a great mother.
00:15But she isn't satisfied.
00:16She says, I don't want to be a good mother or a great mother.
00:19Make me a grandmother.
00:23It's not easy for me to get married.
00:24Because I'm very bad at first impressions.
00:27Most girls who see me for the first time, don't like me.
00:31If only they spend some time with me and get to know me better,
00:34they start to truly hate me.
00:38It happens all the time to me because I think, because I'm dark-skinned.
00:42People don't like dark-skinned people in our country.
00:44Forget others, my own parents.
00:48Like when I was born in the hospital,
00:50looking at me, their first reaction was, Aiyo!
00:57They said it so loudly, half the hospital thought I was a girl.
01:05My mom spent more money on almond milk to rub on my skin and make it fairer,
01:09than buffalo milk to feed me.
01:13I was just born dark.
01:14I grew up to be dark and malnourished.
01:19Like I'm a fully grown adult today,
01:20but my mom doesn't let me touch coffee or tea.
01:24Saying drinking them will make me darker.
01:27People like my mom believe the color of what you eat,
01:29affects the color of your skin.
01:33That's why South Indians are obsessed with eating everything in bite.
01:38No matter the color of what you eat, the end result is still brown.
01:43Skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin.
01:50But I can understand my parents' disappointment,
01:52because in my family, we have both genes.
01:54Because my grandfather was dark and rich.
01:58My grandmother was fair and poor.
02:01Now I am dark and poor.
02:10But we have the other branch of the family, my cousins,
02:13who inherited all the money and the fair genes.
02:16Oh, they make so much fun of me.
02:18Sai Kiran, you're such a lucky guy.
02:20Because you're dark.
02:22Unlike us, you can go out in the sun whenever you want.
02:27As if my skin doesn't burn.
02:30This is melanin, not Teflon.
02:37These fair-skinned morons think that if a cow stays in the sun for too long,
02:40it becomes a buffalo.
02:45But forget animals.
02:46Even gods cannot escape this discrimination in our country.
02:49You all know Lord Krishna?
02:51Krishna means dark.
02:53He is described in Mahabharata as Neelameghashyama.
02:56Which means as dark as the rain-filled cloud.
03:00Then why the hell do they show him everywhere to be sky-blue in color?
03:07Like how colorblind do you have to be
03:10to confuse the color of the cloud with the color of the sky?
03:13That's why we can't predict rains in this country properly.
03:20If you remember TV Mahabharata,
03:22Lord Krishna was played by Nitish Bharadwaj.
03:26Who was super fair.
03:28Just like Leonardo DiCaprio playing Nelson Mandela.
03:34Because we can't accept a hero can be dark-skinned.
03:38Why? We're just dark, not shady.
03:42I don't think Lord Krishna was really a thief.
03:44No.
03:45He was just the darkest child in Vrindavan.
03:49And everybody accused him only.
03:52Because all the stuff that was getting stolen
03:54were white eatables.
03:57But at least ancient India was a progressive time.
03:59Because in spite of all the propaganda,
04:01Lord Krishna was very lucky with the ladies.
04:06Not something I can claim to be.
04:08I recently read a report by *****.com.
04:13According to it,
04:1471% of Indian women want their husbands to be fair-skinned.
04:18The rest 29% don't care about skin color.
04:21As long as the guy is rich.
04:23So in this country, to whitewash brown skin,
04:24you need black money.
04:32My face is red with anger.
04:35But you can't notice it because of my skin color.
04:40See, I know about these matrimonial sites.
04:44Unfortunately.
04:45Because let's be honest,
04:46this face wasn't exactly manufactured
04:48anticipating the arrival of Tinder.
04:53The highest my parents aimed was *****.com.
04:57And I registered on that site sometime back.
04:59And there I realized
05:00that the competition for Indian women
05:02is absolutely brutal.
05:04On these websites, for 100 men,
05:06there are barely 50 women.
05:08And NRIs take away the top 20 export-quality girls.
05:12The next 20 go to the two I's of India.
05:15IITs and IIMs.
05:17Men like me don't stand a chance.
05:19So I clearly wrote in my profile,
05:21I may not be NRI or an IITian,
05:23but I'm healthy,
05:24I'm a vegetarian,
05:25and I do not smoke or drink.
05:27Even coffee or tea.
05:31I thought many women will be impressed by someone like that.
05:34And I got 5 responses.
05:35Not from women.
05:38But from people requesting blood and organ donations.
05:43It was a bit painful.
05:46But I took the money.
05:49And the fruity.
05:51And registered myself on ******.com.
05:54And I'm very proud to tell you,
05:56just a few weeks back,
05:57I completed 5 years
05:58as a fully paid member of ******.com.
06:06Apparently, I'm the first person in the country
06:08to reach this milestone.
06:11So they sent me a congratulatory email.
06:14After 5 years on ******.com,
06:16most men get into a committed relationship.
06:19Or commit suicide.
06:22So as a special gesture towards me,
06:24they gave me a free upgrade.
06:27To the fresh faces section.
06:30Of second ******.com.
06:34And there on that website,
06:35I saw all these familiar girls.
06:37Who 5 years ago rejected me.
06:40Got married.
06:41Had kids.
06:42Got divorced.
06:43And again on this website,
06:44again rejecting me.
06:47Deja vu.
06:51They say I'm incompatible with their kids.
06:55If you agreed 5 years ago,
06:56that would have been my kid.
06:58I'm a Manglik.
07:01So before I can marry a girl,
07:02I have to marry a tree.
07:05Now the only thing more difficult than
07:06finding a girl these days,
07:09is finding a tree.
07:11But you may say,
07:11but there are so many trees around,
07:13you can just marry it.
07:14It's not that simple.
07:15There are caste issues.
07:17I cannot just marry any creeper or croton.
07:21Like if you're a Marwadi,
07:22you have to marry a money plant.
07:29You're a Brahmin,
07:30you marry a touch-me-not.
07:31You're mixed caste,
07:32you have to marry a hybrid.
07:35So I was getting desperate.
07:36Like because all my friends had girlfriends,
07:38they're taking them to all these parks,
07:40to do naughty things behind the bushes.
07:43I was going to the same park,
07:44and I was like,
07:45I was going to the same parks alone,
07:48to do naughty things with the bushes.
07:54But my very good loving mother,
07:55she anticipated this,
07:56when my horoscope was written.
07:58So she started raising a plant in my house.
08:02Hoping when the time comes,
08:02I can just marry it.
08:04But now my priest tells me,
08:06because the plant and I were raised in the same house
08:08by the same mother,
08:08we are like brother and sister
08:09and should not marry.
08:14So I was getting desperate.
08:15I was getting desperate.
08:16I was getting desperate.
08:17I was getting desperate.
08:18I was getting desperate.
08:19I was getting desperate.
08:20I was getting desperate.
08:21I was getting desperate.
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08:24I was getting desperate.
08:25I was getting desperate.
08:26I was getting desperate.
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08:28I was getting desperate.
08:29I was getting desperate.
08:30I was getting desperate.
08:31I was getting desperate.
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08:33I was getting desperate.
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08:41I was getting desperate.
08:42I was getting desperate.