Saturday Night Live Monologue Lady Gaga 3/8/25 , Saturday Night Live March 8,2025
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00:00Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! I'm so excited to be here. I know
00:22you might be thinking I'm here to promote my album, Mayhem, but I'm actually here to
00:27remind you that I'm an amazing actor. Last time I hosted SNL, I was 27. I'm 38 now, which
00:37is scientifically the best age for a female pop star to be. Honestly, though, most pop
00:43stars are over 40. Chaperone is 58, and Charli XCX, she's 75. Tate McRae is my biological
00:53grandmother. I'm so happy to be back at SNL. The last time I hosted was in 2013, and every
01:01aspect of my performance aged amazingly. There's no need to Google SNL 2013, Lady Gaga featuring
01:11R. Kelly. We all won't, and I won't bring it up, because that would be bad. Anyway,
01:21I'm an actor now. And I've been very diligent about selecting films that would showcase
01:28my craft as a serious actor. Films such as Joker 2. Apparently people thought it was
01:36awesome. Joaquin and I even got nominated for a Razzie, which is an award for the worst
01:42films of the year. So we won for worst on-screen duo. But joke's on them. I love winning things.
01:55And my Razzie brings me one step closer to an EGORT. It's like an EGOT, but it's hurtful.
02:03Tonight, I'm the host and the musical guest, which means someone has to introduce me for
02:09music. I asked Bowen to do it, because apparently he's a superfan, but I think I make him nervous.
02:15Bowen, are you happy I'm here? Ladies and gentlemen, Lady Gaga. It's a little early.
02:26Great job, Bowen. I've had a pretty big year. I got engaged. My mom set us up, and it's
02:38a true story. My mom called me one day, and she goes, I met your husband. And I said,
02:42what does he do? And she said, he works in cancer research. And while we were talking,
02:46I was literally smoking a cigarette. And then we went on three dates, and I never smoked
02:52again, except when I'm drunk. In all seriousness, I'm from New York City, so hosting SNL is
03:07so extra special to me. I respect everyone here so much, so tonight, I promise to act,
03:15to sing, and to not do Joker 3. We've got a great show for you tonight. I'm here, so
03:21stick around, and we'll be right back.
03:35This week, the New York Times broke the story of an explosive Trump cabinet meeting, which
03:39ended in a shouting match between Marco Rubio and Elon Musk, ruining what has been an otherwise
03:44remarkably cool and smooth start to the Trump presidency. We now take you to the Oval Office
03:49as President Trump tries to broker a truce.
03:52Marco, thank you so much for coming. I know you're under a lot of stress, but I can't
04:01have you fighting with Elon, okay? I need you to be my good little Marco.
04:06Mr. Trump, if you think I'm gonna stand here and let you call me that, you're right.
04:12Good boy. We love to say Marco Rubio, but unfortunately, I just made English the official
04:20language, so now your name is Mark Ruby.
04:24I accept that, but what I don't accept is Elon having total access to our government.
04:30Planes are crashing, and he keeps trying to fire air traffic controllers.
04:33Well, Elon knows a lot about air travel, okay? He runs SpaceX, which is doing incredible
04:39things in terms of explosions, and with regard to rocket debris.
04:46Well, just because Elon is a successful businessman doesn't mean he should run the country.
04:51Yeah, you're right. We tried that in 2016, and it didn't work.
04:55Trump 45, not a great president, but now we've got Trump 47.
04:59I'm older, wiser, and frankly, older, but Elon's been doing a good job with Doge,
05:07and he gave me some great stuff to talk about at State of the Union.
05:11They're spending $8 million on making mice transgender. Can you believe that?
05:17Probably not, because it's not true, but I said it, and it got a big laugh, and that is addictive.
05:24But you're doing a great job too, Marco, okay? You're doing great. You're the goat.
05:28You're the scapegoat, but it's still a type of goat.
05:34And that is an honor, sir, but while Elon's been causing chaos, I've been working behind the scenes,
05:41and I am very close to a deal with the Panamanian government to retake the Panama Canal.
05:47Yeah, I don't want it anymore, you know? Seems like a hassle. What I'd really love is Thailand,
05:56okay? Because I've been watching White Lotus, and it looks beautiful, right?
06:03How about the girl with the teeth? I don't mind. So Thailand?
06:11If I may, sir, and this is very important. America's foreign policy has a long,
06:16delicate history, and we cannot afford to- So boring. This guy can't stop talking. I mean,
06:22who the hell does he think he is? Adrian Brody? Weird-looking guy, Adrian. He kind of looks like
06:28Waluigi. We like to say Waluigi. Wait a minute, what is this? I'm thinking something. I'm not
06:35saying it out loud. Whoa, this is a whole new thing. This is crazy. This could save me a lot
06:41of trouble. I should do this more often. I won't, but I should. And maintain America's standing in
06:50the global community. Bet. Well, let's get Elon in here, so you guys can work things out. Elon?
07:08Hi, it's me, tech support. Oh, I'm just kidding.
07:15Elon, I want to thank you for at least wearing a suit this time.
07:19Doesn't look great, right? Billionaire, but he shops at Joseph A. Bank. It's giving groomsmen.
07:26Good one, Donald. Good one, glitch. Buffering.
07:34I'm back, I'm back, I'm back. Never gonna get used to that. Now, look, I can't have you two at each
07:39other's throats, okay? After all, I have a perfect record. Everyone who's ever worked for me has left
07:45on good terms and then gone on to write a book called The Man Who Ruined Everything. So you two
07:51need to start acting like mature adults, okay? So let's begin with Marco. Polo.
07:59No, Elon, I'm trying to talk to Marco. Polo.
08:05What is that? What's this? What's this? He keeps doing this. What's this?
08:09Nobody knows, okay? It's his little dance we let him do it, all right?
08:12It's his least unsettling trick. I can't believe this is the guy you've given access to the entire
08:18government. He's not an elected official. I know you are, but what am I?
08:27Company. That's enough. If you're gonna insult each other, at least make them good, okay?
08:33Something like, Elon, how do you have 20 kids but I've never seen you with a chick?
08:38Just dudes named Donkey Dong and Boner King, you know, stuff like that.
08:42And here, watch this. Marco, short and gay, classic.
08:48Elon, you gotta listen to me, okay? Marco is a very important part of the team, and we all need to.
08:54Phase one of my plan is complete. Ingratiate yourself to the president and take over the
09:00media. But was taking this job a bad idea? A lot of people seem to really hate me.
09:05My Tesla stock is crashing and my personal net worth just dropped by 100 billion dollars.
09:18So headlines from the meeting. One, America is doing bad guy now. Two,
09:25Marco, get your budget under control. And three, Elon, stay in your lane. You're not the boss.
09:31But I paid you 300 million dollars.
09:34And that's why you're the boss. So we'll get out of your office right after we say this.
09:39Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
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