Trump could FINALLY do something to make almost everyone happy and eliminate Daylight Saving Time, five years ago this week Donald Trump announced that COVID was here, Measles has now been reported in at least thirteen states, Elon Musk reportedly got into it with Secretary of State Marco Rubio over not firing anyone yet, Trump eventually came to Marco’s defense but the fallout was so bad that he had to do some spin, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has been hard at work de-woking the government, the stock market was down by almost 900 points today but Trump was busy whipping out his Presidential Sharpie for a special proclamation, Trump’s Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller spent time on Fox objecting to a joke from SNL this weekend, JD Vance is getting the meme treatment and Fox is eating it up, King Charles unveiled his Apple Music Playlist today, and Yehya reviews the new Robert Pattinson movie Mickey 17.
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FunTranscript
00:00I'm Timmy.
00:00I am the host.
00:02Thanks for, wow, thanks for bringing energy
00:07to this room on the Monday after the nightmare
00:10known as daylight saving.
00:11I know that is, I tried something
00:14a little different this year.
00:15I set my clocks ahead four years.
00:17It didn't work.
00:19Let me tell you something about me.
00:21I hate spring forward so much.
00:24And to me, this is Donald Trump's big opportunity.
00:27Because we woke up this morning, an hour
00:29before we usually do, and I have the kids on board now.
00:31My daughter hates daylight saving time.
00:34My son hates daylight saving time.
00:35I'm a longtime hater of daylight saving time.
00:38And my wife hates hearing us complain about how much
00:40we hate daylight saving time.
00:42So there's a lot of hate flowing through the house.
00:44And here in California, we voted.
00:46Back in 2018, we voted to get rid of this.
00:50And we thought we did.
00:5060% of voters said, no more.
00:53And yet, six, seven years later, here
00:55we are dragging our asses out of bed again.
00:59At the same time, we have Donald Trump firing
01:01air traffic controllers, screwing up our national parks,
01:04threatening to annex Canada, focusing
01:06on all these dumb things.
01:08And not just dumb things, unpopular things.
01:11Why not focus on a dumb, popular thing
01:14and do away with this ridiculous clock
01:17change twice a year?
01:19We go forward.
01:20We go backward.
01:21It's like living in a Christopher Nolan movie.
01:23And Matt Damon is in those.
01:26I want no part of it.
01:28Set the clock and leave it be.
01:30Give the people what we want.
01:32Yeah!
01:34OK, are you ready?
01:36So this should be the easiest one of all.
01:39But it's a 50-50 issue.
01:42And if something's a 50-50 issue,
01:44it's hard to get excited about it.
01:46I assume people would like to have more light later.
01:50But some people want to have more light earlier
01:52because they don't want to take their kids to school
01:54in the dark.
01:56That's how you know he's never taken his kids to school?
02:00He thinks it's dark at 745?
02:02Donald Trump would have mailed Eric to school in a box
02:05if he could have.
02:06It's very much, it's a little bit one way.
02:08But it's very much a 50-50 issue.
02:11And it's something I can do.
02:13But a lot of people like it one way.
02:14A lot of people like it the other way.
02:17It's very even.
02:18No, it is not very even.
02:20It's very odd.
02:21In fact, and it's not 50-50.
02:23I guarantee you that, with the possible exception
02:25of those lunatics who get up at 5 AM
02:27and have alone time and watch the sun come up,
02:29if you did a poll this morning, when that alarm went off
02:32an hour earlier than usual, it would
02:34have been 98 to 2 in favor of getting rid of daylight saving.
02:38Trump could finally do one thing to make almost everyone
02:41in this country happy.
02:43This is the thing he's waffling on?
02:46You know, Marco Rubio, a Republican senator
02:49at the time, introduced a bill that
02:51would eliminate daylight saving three years ago.
02:54It's called the Sunshine Protection Act.
02:56It was passed by unanimous consent.
02:59You know how hard it is for the Senate
03:00to get unanimous consent on any?
03:03They can't get unanimous consent on consent.
03:07You want to make America great again?
03:08End this daylight saving madness.
03:10We're not going to make that president.
03:12I dare you.
03:17And by the way, we'll do this all over again next year.
03:23I feel like it's worth noting this week
03:25marks the five-year anniversary of the great pandemic, COVID.
03:28Five years ago this week, Donald Trump
03:30announced that it would be gone by Easter.
03:33He didn't mention it was Easter 2022 he was talking about.
03:38Five years ago, we learned all new vocabulary words,
03:41words we'd never heard before, like coronavirus,
03:44AstraZeneca, airborne transmission,
03:47and scariest of all of them, Zoom happy hours.
03:52Remember when we were, like, carefully disassembling
03:55our DoorDash driver's Chipotle delivery?
03:58Like, we were bomb experts in the Hurt Locker.
04:01I was punching in my ATM code with my foot.
04:04It's hard to believe it's been almost five years
04:06since this brave individual, this woman,
04:09chose the peril of death over wearing a mask
04:12into the ice cream store to get a scoop of Jamocha Almond
04:16Fudge, our own heroic Baskin-Robbin hood.
04:19May she rest in peace.
04:20She's dead.
04:21And thanks.
04:22I want to say thank you to our new Secretary of Health,
04:24Robert Kennedy Jr. F. There are lots
04:28of new and exciting pandemics to come, thanks to RFK,
04:31and some old ones, too.
04:32Measles has now been reported in at least 13 US states.
04:36The number of cases in Texas is up to around 200 now.
04:40And there's a very nasty strain of Elon Musk
04:42making its way around Washington.
04:45This is back from a weekend with President Trump at Mar-a-Lago.
04:50Elon arrived back at the White House last night.
04:53Damn it, he's cool.
04:54I mean, look at that shirt.
04:56He dresses like the first person eliminated
04:58from the World Series of Poker.
05:01Elon Musk was at the center of an acrimonious cabinet meeting
05:05last week.
05:06He reportedly got into it with Secretary of State Marco Rubio.
05:09He lashed out at Rubio, claiming Rubio hadn't fired anyone
05:13in his department.
05:13Yet Marco lashed back, saying, hey,
05:16I forced 1,500 people in my department to retire early.
05:19He said, do you want me to rehire them so you can make
05:22a show of firing them instead?
05:24The argument went on and on for what
05:26was described as an uncomfortable amount of time.
05:28In front of Trump and the whole cabinet,
05:30they were yelling and calling each other
05:32liars in the Oval Office.
05:33He really has turned this into the celebrity of president.
05:36I mean, Marco's meatloaf.
05:38Elon's an even weirder Gary Busey.
05:41And they're fighting.
05:42Trump eventually came to Rubio's defense.
05:44But the fallout from the brouhaha was so bad,
05:47Trump had to do some spin on truth socially.
05:49He posted, Elon and Marco have a great relationship.
05:53Any statement other than that is fake news,
05:56with three triple exclamation points to make it extra true.
06:01Trump has to give his pets a constant diet of liberals
06:05or they start feeding on each other.
06:07You know, poor little Marco.
06:08Used to be this powerful senator.
06:10Now he's first mate on the spray tannic.
06:12He's like, the captain knows exactly what he's doing.
06:15He's driving straight at the iceberg to scare it,
06:18to scare it off.
06:20And then we have our Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth,
06:22who's hard at work de-woking our government.
06:24As part of the Pentagon's war on diversity,
06:27Hegseth has been scrubbing the following words
06:31from military websites.
06:33The military now discourages the use of the words equality,
06:36inclusion, racism.
06:39That's one way to stop racism.
06:41Quit using the word.
06:43Female is on the list of words you can't use.
06:46Male, not on that list.
06:47Sorry, ladies, lists are for us only now.
06:51Black is on the list.
06:53White is not on the list.
06:55And you can't use the term chest feed, which I actually
06:58agree with getting rid of that one.
06:59Breast feed's fine.
07:01Of course, you cannot in any way use the word gay.
07:03Gay is a no-no.
07:05So much so, they're removing a photo.
07:07You might think this is a joke.
07:08It is not a joke.
07:09They're set to remove the name of the plane that
07:12dropped the atomic bomb on Japan in World War II
07:15because the plane's name is the Enola Gay.
07:19And you're next, biplanes.
07:20You'll see.
07:22You know, sometimes it's the little things that
07:26make this country great again.
07:27Meanwhile, our president's out there pumping
07:29his baby fist in the air, bopping along to YMCA.
07:32Nobody says a thing about that.
07:34The stock market was down almost 900 points today.
07:37It was the worst single day of trading since 2022.
07:41But Trump is focused on important stuff.
07:43March, as you may know, is Women's History Month.
07:46And to celebrate, Donald whipped out
07:48the old presidential Sharpie for a special proclamation.
07:51A proclamation that proclaims March
07:532025 as Women's History Month in honor
07:57of all the wonderful women in your administration,
08:00all the wonderful women in America,
08:02and in honor of everything you've done for women.
08:06And this administration has done for women in just, what,
08:09a month and a half?
08:11We've done a lot.
08:13And women have done a lot for us.
08:16This is an honor.
08:25Women, we love you.
08:32He always, you know what, he always
08:33knows the right thing to do in every situation.
08:38So speaking of penises, Stephen Miller
08:42is Donald Trump's deputy chief of staff.
08:44His job seems to be to be very strange on cable news.
08:49Miller is on Fox, objecting to a joke from Saturday
08:51Night Live this weekend.
08:53You know, these guys, they're constantly
08:54calling everyone humorless and thin-skinned,
08:56are themselves humorless and thin-skinned.
08:58But really, what's most interesting about this
09:01is the way the man says the words Saturday Night Live.
09:05Saturday Night Live has not been culturally
09:07relevant in 20 years.
09:10Saturday Night Live has not produced a meaningful talent
09:14since the 1990s.
09:17Saturday Night Live has been a place
09:19where comedy goes to die.
09:21The only good thing that has happened on Saturday Night Live
09:24in the last couple of decades were the times
09:26that President Trump hosted Saturday Night Live.
09:30Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live,
09:32it's like, it's so strange.
09:34It has such a strange rhythm to it.
09:36And it's slightly different every single time.
09:39Stephen Miller was born and raised in Los Angeles.
09:42What is that accent?
09:44No one here speaks like that.
09:47It's Saturday Night Live with guest host Stephen Miller.
09:59You know, they ought to let him host the show,
10:02and then we can talk about how unfunny everyone else is.
10:05Fox is great, because one hour, they
10:07can go from Saturday Night Live being not funny
10:10to J.D. Vance being a hoot.
10:12Vice President J.D. Vance has a new title,
10:14King of the Internet Memes.
10:16There's a zillion of these.
10:17Bob Ross, the Las Vegas Dome, the very popular
10:21chubby-faced Vance.
10:23And the VP finally broke his silence
10:24on this yesterday, telling a reporter
10:26that he has indeed seen the memes,
10:28I don't know how you could not, and is enjoying the fun.
10:31Republicans used to be seen as the party that were
10:34stuffy, white guys, boring, right?
10:36They're the cool party now.
10:38He's like a cool guy.
10:41Yeah, he's a regular Spuds McKenzie, you know?
10:45I hear he even sits backwards in a chair sometimes, you know?
10:49It's depressing to see these non-people in positions of power
10:53here in our country, but I feel like it makes it even more fun
10:55when somebody like King Charles, for instance,
10:58who unveiled his Apple Music playlist
11:00today opens his mouth and shows the world how strange he is.
11:04Kylie Minogue came to St. James's Palace
11:07to perform this song in 2012.
11:12The song is the locomotion, and this is music for dancing.
11:17Again, it has that infectious energy, which makes it, I find,
11:22incredibly hard to sit still.
11:24I am also quite stimulated by the funky, cold Medina, is it?
11:29We need to get him on the Masked Singer or something.
11:31Meanwhile, we have a new number one movie in the United States.
11:35Mickey 17, starring Robert Pattinson,
11:37was tops at the box office this weekend.
11:40Mickey 17, of course, is a sequel to Mickey, Mickey 2,
11:44Mickey 3, Mickey 4, Mickey 5.
11:47What was that film called?
11:48Mickey Mouse.
11:49Mickey Mouse.
11:50Mickey Mouse.
11:51Mickey 4, Mickey 5.
11:53What was after Mickey 5, Guillermo?
11:54Mickey 6.
11:55Mickey 6.
11:57All the way through to 16.
11:58Whenever Hollywood has a new hit,
12:00we have no choice but to turn it over to our in-house movie
12:03critic, Yahya, who's been gone for a while.
12:05We banished him from the show, but he's
12:07back by very unpopular demand.
12:10After a long hiatus, I give you, once again,
12:13Yahya talking about the movie Mickey 17.
12:16Action!
12:17Good, like that?
12:20Action!
12:21Hi, it's me, Yahya.
12:22I talk about the new movie today.
12:25The new movie is called Mickey 17.
12:29This movie talk about the moon, about the fire, about the snow.
12:33You have Mickey 17, and he have his twins.
12:37Ah!
12:38You know Mickey, the guy, what his name, Robert Pattinson?
12:43Robert, also, he's in the movie, Hallabotter.
12:46You know, I got the man, guy, in the Hallabotter,
12:49but I don't know his name.
12:50They have also the Mickey, Mickey Mouse.
12:53You know Mickey Mouse, the guy eat the wood,
12:55do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do?
12:56Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh.
12:58I watch that, and I'm young boy.
13:01The couple here, that Robert, he's in Kiss the Lady,
13:04and the neck, and he take his blood.
13:07And the guy with him in the movie, also,
13:10And the girl with him, I got picture with her.
13:12Her name, Kasten, Kasten, Kasten.
13:17Yeah.
13:18And Eddie Murphy, also, he do Dracula, take your blood.
13:22The other guy, also, he's in the show for the kids,
13:25he dress Dracula for Simpsons, straight.
13:28One, two, three, ha-ha-ha!
13:32And, uh, the movie, I don't know,
13:36One, two, three, ha-ha-ha!
13:39And, uh, the guy, Patrick, he die, and he come back.
13:42He die, and he come back.
13:43And he make himself, like, maybe, I don't know,
13:4620, 40, 50, another movie, Twins,
13:50like Lindsay Lohan, she look same.
13:52Will Smith, also, they have a movie,
13:56Will Smith, one Kenny Will Smith.
13:58Go watch that movie, I don't see it.
14:00Yeah.
14:01The guy do the clone, also, long time,
14:03and, uh, Michael Keaton, he cover himself many time.
14:07And that movie, I watch it,
14:09the lady, she got sex with all the husband.
14:11This movie, they take space in the moon,
14:15like, uh, what is name, Matt Damon,
14:19he go to the moon, call sh** for McPotato, you know.
14:23Uh, go see the movie, good movie!
14:26Right, yeah, yes!
14:27Yeah!
14:28Yeah!
14:30It multiply, once I got on one.
14:33Thank you, Yahya!