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01:00Shall we pull another cracker?
01:10What for?
01:11They've only got paper acts in them.
01:14I'm wearing two already.
01:17Yeah.
01:20One of them had a lucky charm in.
01:22I know.
01:23It flew up and hit me right in the eye.
01:27It worked though.
01:28What do you mean?
01:29Well, lucky it wasn't my eye.
01:31Yes.
01:32I'll give the telly another thump.
01:36Oh, you might as well.
01:37It'll pass the time.
01:38See if I can get it working again.
01:41Look, the tube's gone.
01:43We've had it on morning, noon and night for the last week.
01:45Yeah.
01:46I left a bottle of Winkarness on the top.
01:48It boiled.
01:49You won't be able to see Andy Stewart letting in the new year.
01:55There's always a bright side.
01:58I see the last needle's fallen off the tree.
02:03Well, what do you expect if you buy it in October?
02:08Well, it was cheaper.
02:12Wednesday, December the 27th.
02:13Do you think the turkey will be unfrozen yet?
02:16I doubt it.
02:17Oh, it's a bit off, isn't it, having cheese sandwiches for Christmas dinner?
02:22I've been a miserable Christmas all round.
02:24I mean, I haven't seen a living soul for the whole holiday.
02:27Well, you've seen me.
02:28Not a living soul.
02:35Cheers.
02:36Cheers.
02:37Oh, it's nice to be on our own for a change.
02:40I didn't realise we had so many relatives.
02:43They've probably been breeding since last year.
02:45Do you know we've had 62 people through this house this Christmas?
02:50Well, 62 and a half of you include your Aunt Mary.
02:52What?
02:53Well, she's not all there, is she?
02:54I mean, she gave me an Easter egg and wished me a happy birthday.
02:57It has been busy.
02:59Yeah, that bell hasn't stopped ringing.
03:01Next Christmas, I'm going to fit revolving doors.
03:03I'll tell you who we haven't had round.
03:05Mildred and Mr Roper.
03:06I'll drink to that.
03:07I meant to, but we've been so busy.
03:09We couldn't have got them in without a shoehorn.
03:11Oh, I'm sure they can visit plenty of their own sort.
03:16I had hoped that Ethel and Humphrey might drop in.
03:18I mean, she said they might.
03:20Said nothing more interesting to do.
03:22It's a poor lookout when even your sister would have been welcome.
03:26Shall we play a game of charades?
03:28No, I can't be bothered. Play on your own.
03:30Oh, Marshall.
03:31Come on, we've got to liven ourselves up.
03:34Now, look.
03:35What's this?
03:36Look, look.
03:39Oh, I don't know.
03:40Nor do I, but here's another one coming back the other way.
03:45Oh, you're getting silly now, Mildred.
03:47We can't sit here feeling sorry for ourselves.
03:49You know, I tell you what.
03:50Why don't we go and visit my mother?
03:52Oh, God, you are desperate.
03:55No, I don't want to go, Mildred.
03:57I mean, being with her is the same as being alone.
03:59Only there's an extra person around.
04:02Look, George.
04:03We're sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves.
04:06And that's that poor old lady.
04:07I mean, she's sitting there all alone.
04:09She'll be glad of the company.
04:12Oh, hello, Mother.
04:14What did you say?
04:17It's me, Mother.
04:18Mildred.
04:20Oh, you'll have to speak up, dear.
04:23Oh, just a minute.
04:32That's better.
04:33Here.
04:34I've got 20 members of the Derby and Joan Club round.
04:37Oh, I can hardly hear myself think.
04:40Oh, yeah?
04:41Well, that's nice.
04:43Yes, a very friendly lot.
04:45You ought to join.
04:49Yes, well, um...
04:51I'll keep it in mind, dear.
04:53Now, what sort of Christmas did you have?
04:55Well, you know what it's like down here.
04:58In and out of each other's houses.
05:01Oh, I've almost lost track of which one to go to bed in.
05:08Oh, Larrys.
05:10Leave him alone.
05:12You don't know where he's been.
05:15Oh, now.
05:17How's your Humphrey?
05:19He's George, Mother.
05:21Oh, dear, I am sorry.
05:24It's probably the weather.
05:26Yes.
05:27Well, now, um...
05:28Mother, it sounds fairly lively, your end.
05:32We had the police come here one o'clock this morning.
05:35What?
05:36Yes.
05:37They're still here.
05:39Well, we couldn't send them back to the station the state they're in.
05:44Ooh!
05:46Ooh!
05:47You little cradle such a...
05:49Oh!
05:50Oh, dear.
05:51I've got to go now.
05:53Thanks for calling, Ethel.
05:55Bye.
05:56Ooh!
05:57I want to be Bobby's...
06:01Yes.
06:02Oh.
06:03Bye-bye, Mother.
06:05Yeah.
06:0674 years old.
06:07She's having a better time than I am.
06:09What are you doing?
06:11Those presents are for Ethel and Humphrey.
06:13Well, they didn't come, did they? Have a chocolate.
06:15Look, George, that is hardly the seasonal spirit.
06:18I mean, I think you...
06:20Yeah, you're right to L with them.
06:22People shouldn't say they're going to come if they don't mean it.
06:24Oh, right.
06:25Ooh!
06:26Oh.
06:27I'll get it, I'll get it.
06:29Oh, God.
06:34Oh, hello, love.
06:36Come on in.
06:38There you go.
06:39It's Anne.
06:40Oh, Shrewson.
06:42I'm sorry I haven't been round, but we've been swept off our feet.
06:45Oh, it's been the same with us, dear.
06:47Never a dull moment.
06:50Look, I was wondering...
06:51Well, Geoffrey and I were wondering if you'd like to come round for a pre-lunch drink?
06:55Ooh, I'd love...
06:56Yeah, that's a good idea.
07:0514-0. Come on, son, make a fight of it.
07:07I'm doing my best.
07:1015-0.
07:12Do you fancy another go?
07:14No, thank you.
07:15You always win.
07:16Come on, Shrew.
07:18I'll get you a drink.
07:19Geoffrey?
07:22Hello, Mrs Roper.
07:23Hello, dear.
07:24Mr Roper.
07:25Oh, morning, son.
07:26Would you like a punch?
07:28Oh, no, I'll have a scotch.
07:31Oh, well, what's all this, then?
07:33It's electronic tennis.
07:35Oh, yeah.
07:36I've seen this on Bruce Watt's name's big night.
07:39Ooh!
07:43No, it's done by hand. That's a switch.
07:45Oh.
07:46Did you get any nice presents for Christmas?
07:48Oh, you know, George brought me a new sander for his power drill.
07:51Oh.
07:52It's fairly nighty.
07:53Yeah, well, it was the only way I could ever get one.
07:55How did you do?
07:56Oh, Geoffrey bought me one of those new mixers.
07:58It does everything but eat the food for you.
08:00Oh, I know. I've seen them advertised.
08:02Are they as good as they say?
08:03I'll know when he gets round to putting a plug on.
08:08All right, Anne, I only have to be told ten times.
08:10Can I go and have a look at it?
08:12Yes, come on. Bring the drink.
08:14This is one of your presents, is it?
08:16Yes.
08:17Would you like a game?
08:19Yeah, I don't mind.
08:20I tell you what, make it more interesting.
08:22Why don't we play for, say, 5p?
08:25All right.
08:29It's time you learned to do this for yourself, you know, Anne.
08:32And what will you do when I've gone?
08:34If you don't change those wires over,
08:36you'll be doing something sooner than you think.
08:38Oh, I've always wanted a proper mixer.
08:41It's not the same tying a spoon onto George's power drill.
08:47Ah, that's 14 each.
08:49So it's all down to this point.
08:51Oh, really?
08:53I've got it! I've won!
08:55We are the champions.
08:57That's 5p, Romy.
08:59What?
09:005p.
09:01We had a bet and I lost.
09:03Good game, good game.
09:05You're not really going to take his pocket, are you?
09:07Not at Christmastime.
09:09Oh, a bet's a bet. You've got to pay your debts.
09:11I see.
09:13Tristan, come play upstairs.
09:21But the baby's asleep.
09:23Then play quietly.
09:25And don't worry about your money. I'll win it back with interest.
09:35Yeah, it's a good game, that, isn't it?
09:37A lot of skill involved.
09:39Do you fancy your chances against me?
09:41Yeah, all right.
09:43I warn you, I'm pretty good.
09:45Shall we have a little side bet?
09:47Say, a pound?
09:49All right, you're on. A quid.
09:51Are you ready?
09:53Yeah.
09:55All right.
09:571-0.
09:59I wasn't ready, was I?
10:01It shreds, grates, peels, slices and mixes.
10:04Well, it's certainly got a lot of buttons.
10:06I'm scared to press the red one.
10:08I have a feeling the kitchen'll blast off.
10:10Yeah.
10:12I've got one.
10:14So you did. So it's 14-1.
10:16Oops, I tell a lie.
10:1815-1.
10:20That was offside.
10:22You can't have offside in tennis.
10:24How about double or quits?
10:26All right, shall we try the fast game?
10:28Yeah, why not?
10:30Ready and...
10:32Go.
10:34Oh, hey, just a minute.
10:36Oh, cut. Hang on.
10:38That was a foul.
10:40Hey, stop.
10:42Hey, come on.
10:44No, no, let's not have any nastazi tantrums.
10:46Yeah, but you saw I've not got a pass.
10:48Oh, struth.
10:5015-0. That's two pounds you owe me.
10:52Yeah, something wrong with my controls.
10:54Well, take mine.
10:56Double or quits again?
10:58If you insist.
11:02Microwave ovens, 15 pounds off.
11:04Freezers, 20 pounds off.
11:06God, a money I could save
11:08if I had any to start with.
11:10Last year I queued all night
11:12in the Harrods sale and it was raining.
11:14Oh, did you get anything interesting?
11:16A set of saucepans and flu.
11:18Come on, let's join the boys.
11:20Right.
11:22Ready for coffee, you two?
11:24What?
11:26Oh, no, that last one shouldn't count.
11:28She distracted me.
11:31Oh, that's yet another game I've won.
11:33Oh.
11:35You're right, there is a lot of skill in it.
11:37Well, not all that amount of skill.
11:39I scored some of the points against meself.
11:41George, if you can't play nicely, don't play at all.
11:43Double or quits again?
11:45Right.
11:47And go.
11:49Mr. Fulmire, how do you play this game?
11:51Oh, you see, when I get the ball past his bat
11:53then I score a point.
11:55Oh, like you've just done now?
11:57That's right, yes.
11:59Isn't George allowed to hit it back?
12:01Do you mind?
12:03How can I concentrate with you rabbiting in me earhole?
12:05All right, all right.
12:07They're like little kids, Mildred.
12:09Yeah.
12:13Oh, no, not more visitors.
12:15Right.
12:19Oh, it's my sister.
12:21George, it's Ethel and Humphrey.
12:23They've arrived.
12:25Oh, girl, that's all I needed.
12:27Is he the one you call the awful king of ox shot?
12:29Yes, love.
12:31Why haven't you met them?
12:33Oh, come round and say hello.
12:35I might as well.
12:37I'm not going to get any conversation out of these two.
12:39Your coffee's here.
12:41Right.
12:43I'll send him back when I've won.
12:45Shouldn't take too long.
12:49Oh, well, well, well, well, well.
12:57Mr Roper, the game's over.
12:59I've won.
13:01Oh, yeah.
13:03Well, double or quits again.
13:05Do you think that's wise?
13:07You have done it several times and it does soon mount up.
13:09How much do I owe you?
13:11£128.
13:27APPLAUSE
13:49Oh.
13:51Sorry, I appear to have won again.
13:53Hey, I've just remembered.
13:56I think the gold count is double.
14:00If you doubled your score, you'd still lose.
14:02Oh, well, same again.
14:04Mr Roper, you have guests next door.
14:06Shouldn't you be there entertaining them?
14:08Or at least be with them?
14:10I don't want to be with them.
14:12They're boring people, know what I mean?
14:14Oh, I do. By God, I do.
14:16Yeah, well, double or nothing.
14:18SIGHS
14:22So, you live in a sweet little house
14:24just like this one?
14:26Er, yes.
14:28It must be nice living cheek by jowl
14:30with your neighbours.
14:32Ours are over an acre away.
14:34Oh, you have a big place, then.
14:36Yeah, it's called our mouth.
14:40All right, Mildred, thank you.
14:42I'll stick with the scotch top.
14:44Oh, yes. Yes, all right, then, dear.
14:46Er, Ethel, is it the one we brought?
14:48Yes.
14:50Then I will.
14:53Still, they're cosy
14:55and I expect you can do wonders with them
14:57if you've got decent furniture.
14:59Yes.
15:01Er, not for me, thanks, Mildred.
15:03I, er, I must take the step or two home,
15:05put the lunch on in my tiny kitchen.
15:07Yes, love.
15:09Oh, would you send George home, please?
15:11Bit by bit, if necessary.
15:13Of course.
15:15Bye. Bye-bye.
15:17Right.
15:19Well, she seemed a nice young woman.
15:21Let's not have any smutty talk at Christmas, Humphrey.
15:25Oh, just look at their tree.
15:27It's completely bare.
15:29Well, I'll put some clothes on it, then.
15:33Well, well, well.
15:35Now, isn't this nice?
15:37Now, I expect you want to tell me
15:39what Humphrey bought you for Christmas.
15:41No.
15:43No?
15:45Well, I would, but I couldn't sail it down the street.
15:47It's a four berth...
15:49Ethel.
15:51... cabin cruiser.
15:53Yeah, well, it's, er,
15:55it's more of a company boat, you know.
15:57The MV Tax Fiddle.
15:59Well, it's very nice.
16:01I always say there's nothing like
16:03messing about on luxury cruisers.
16:05Yes.
16:07Oh, is that you sunbathing on the deck?
16:09Oh, no.
16:11It's the anchor.
16:17Oh,
16:19Shrews, you've done it again.
16:21Talk about luck.
16:23You've played this game before.
16:25I feel as if I've been playing it forever.
16:27Mildred wants you home right away.
16:29Good old Mildred.
16:31What about one last game?
16:33And she said something about guts and garters.
16:35Oh, how about this afternoon, then?
16:37Well...
16:39Oh, come on, son. You've got to give me a chance.
16:41Be fair.
16:43Well...
16:46You two haven't been playing for money, have you?
16:48Oh, just a little. It makes the game more interesting.
16:50I'll be back as soon as I can.
16:52I'll see you later.
16:54How much does he owe you?
16:56Well, he has been doubling up and he has lost 16 games.
16:58How much?
17:00£45,568.
17:06So, er, then we had a drink
17:08and we turned the lights up on our tree.
17:10Mm.
17:12I believe half of Oxshot went dim.
17:14Well, dim lighting's always suited you, dear.
17:18Yeah.
17:20But Christmas isn't only about enjoying yourself,
17:22so we thought we'd pop round
17:24and see you.
17:26Great.
17:28Oh, hello, George.
17:30Oh, yeah, likewise.
17:32And, er, Mary, what's-her-name?
17:34Oh, yeah, Tom.
17:36And, er, happy new doodah.
17:38Oh, it's all go, isn't it?
17:40I expect you must be getting fed up with visitors.
17:43I am a little bit, yes.
17:45Now, we're all here.
17:47It's prezzy time.
17:49What?
17:51Now, there's one for you.
17:53Oh, thank you.
17:55And there's one for you.
17:57Oh.
17:59Oh, go on, open them up.
18:01They're only amusing trifles.
18:03Oh, it's very nice of you to think...
18:05A pipe.
18:07Earrings.
18:09Oh, no, you've got those the wrong way round.
18:11I'm using ears to tape them.
18:15Yes, dear, well, they're lovely.
18:17They're antique.
18:19Well, quite old.
18:21Yeah, I shall think of you every time I wear them.
18:23Oh, dear, you're going to laugh at this.
18:25The presents we bought you.
18:27They are in the kitchen.
18:29Yeah, we'll go and get them. Come on, George.
18:31Who are?
18:33Go on, quick.
18:35That's it.
18:37Excuse us.
18:39He's chocked us while he's drunk it.
18:41I do know that.
18:43I suppose I could wrap these up again.
18:45I only ate the soft centres.
18:47The hard centres have got your teeth marks all over them.
18:49There must be something we could give them.
18:51What, in the kitchen?
18:53Well, where else?
18:55Well, there's nothing here worth having except the cooker.
18:57We haven't got enough paper to wrap it up in.
18:59Do you think she'd like a cucumber?
19:01Well, it's hardly festive, is it?
19:03No, I suppose not.
19:05Oh, George, I mean,
19:08what do you give a woman who's got everything
19:10and never stops talking about it?
19:14Oh, that one's from us.
19:16The picture of the robin on the Bank of England.
19:20That's from next door.
19:24And that one's from somebody called Moby, whoever he is.
19:28The goldfish.
19:30Look, stop prying, will you?
19:32Oh, just look at their decorations.
19:34It's all a bit Blue Peter, isn't it?
19:38Ethel, have you got any charity left in you?
19:40Of course I have.
19:42I've come round here, haven't I?
19:44Oh, I was just saying, what pretty decorations.
19:48Oh, thank you, love.
19:50Here we are, then. One each.
19:52Oh, darling.
19:54Oh, you don't have to open them now.
19:56Oh, I must.
19:58This is the best part of Christmas.
20:00We thought we'd give you something different, you know,
20:02that no-one else would have given you.
20:04A pound of cheese?
20:08Yes, well...
20:10It's a thought that counts.
20:12And you thought of a pound of cheese?
20:14Now, don't start, Ethel.
20:16I mean, you ought to be grateful for what you...
20:20Oven gloves?
20:24Gardening gloves.
20:26Yeah, well, I'm not going to do much gardening
20:28with my hands tied together.
20:30Still, they'll come in useful.
20:33Yeah, but, I mean, what do I do with them?
20:35Well, you can hold this pound of cheese
20:37for a start.
20:39Yeah, well, hey, it's been nice chatting to you,
20:41but I promised I'd pop back next door, see?
20:43Sit!
20:45Right, now, we're going to have a little chat.
20:47I mean, we haven't seen each other for ages.
20:49I mean, we've got lots to talk about.
21:03Cheers.
21:11Oh, yeah, I'm afraid.
21:13Is a gambling debt legally enforceable?
21:15What do you mean, like horses and cards
21:17and that sort of thing?
21:19Yeah.
21:21No, I don't think so.
21:23Oh, oh, good.
21:25Not unless you've signed an IOU.
21:29£45,568?
21:31Geoffrey, you can't possibly expect him
21:33to pay this.
21:35He made Tristan pay.
21:375p, that's a bit of a difference.
21:39Imagine if I did, though.
21:41I'd have to sell his house, move away.
21:43I'd be free of him. I'd see colours again.
21:45Geoffrey, you've just got to let him win.
21:47Why?
21:49Because if you don't, he'll keep on playing.
21:51He'll be round here morning, noon and night,
21:53day after day after day.
21:55Ah.
22:01All right.
22:03Up against the wall.
22:05Assume a position.
22:07What position?
22:09I don't know, but that's what they say.
22:11Hold this.
22:13Look it up in my Kojak book.
22:15Ah, Mr Roper, I thought...
22:17Oh, yeah.
22:19Oh.
22:21I'll come round for the game.
22:23Oh, yeah, you'd better come in.
22:25Hello, Mr Roper.
22:27Oh, yeah.
22:29Remember what I said, Geoffrey.
22:31All right, all right, don't fuss, woman.
22:33You ready?
22:35Let's play the fast game, get it over with.
22:37Off you go.
22:39Oh, shoot, I put it through me own goal.
22:41Oh, no, no, look, look.
22:43Look, you twist the controls, you see, like this.
22:45There, there, you've scored a point.
22:47Oh, yeah.
22:49Careful, careful.
22:51There, you've scored another one.
22:54There, you've scored another one.
22:56I'm getting good at this, aren't I?
22:58Give me the watch, mate.
23:00All right, careful.
23:02Up, Mr Roper, up, up.
23:04What for?
23:06The controls.
23:08I've scored again, dammit.
23:10I couldn't help it.
23:12Hey, you scored again.
23:14What? Oh, good grief.
23:16Oh, I can't watch this.
23:18Look, the idea is to get the bat behind the ball.
23:20You see?
23:22Oh, gosh, hey, hey.
23:24Look, here it comes again.
23:26Anne, has George sneaked in here?
23:28I turned my back and he'd gone.
23:30Yes.
23:32No, you twist the controls, you see.
23:34Oh, I've won another game.
23:36You're not giving me a chance.
23:38I tell you what,
23:40it's double or quits.
23:42Yeah, no, no.
23:44We'll toss a coin,
23:46there's no skill in it,
23:48and you'll be as good as me, all right?
23:51And you'll be as good as me, all right?
23:53Right. Call.
23:55Heads.
23:57Tails.
23:59Er...
24:01The best of three.
24:03Call.
24:05Tails.
24:07You're right.
24:09You said the best of three.
24:11Humphrey, I've left.
24:13Not now, Mildred, not now.
24:15He's tossing a coin. I stand to lose...
24:17How much was it?
24:19£52,352.
24:21Oh, I'm so sorry.
24:23I didn't want to disturb anything. How much?
24:25It's all right, Mildred.
24:27Heads.
24:29No, tails.
24:31Heads and tails.
24:33You're right.
24:35You've won.
24:37You don't owe me a penny.
24:39Oh, all right.
24:41George, how much was it?
24:43Oh, it doesn't matter now, Mildred.
24:45Hey, that was a good game, that was, wasn't it?
24:47If you fancy playing again, quit a time.
25:17APPLAUSE
25:47APPLAUSE